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Henry had been taking antidepressants since he was a teenager. He takes them every morning, and he’s managed to keep this from Alex. Not because he’s ashamed but because the reactions he’s gotten from past partners were not always kind. It’s one thing to know in your head that you won’t be judged by the people you love and another thing entirely to know it in your heart.
They had been living together in the brownstone for 4 months without having this conversation when it happened.
“Hey hen, what are these?” Alex asked with no malice in his tone, standing in front of the drawer of tea bags in the kitchen, the one he never opened. Henry had hidden the bottle there because he was the only one who drank tea in the house.
“Oh… um-” Henry wanted to tell him. He wanted them to not have any secrets, but this one was big for Henry. It took up space in his heart and his brain and it made him feel less than.
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“What do you even need these for? Are you crazy or what?” He had asked Henry, bottle in hand and the Fluoxetine wikipedia page open on his phone.
“I need them to function in the world, now put them away please.”
“So this is what that NDA was about, I see why you wouldn’t want this to get out, it’s pretty embarrassing. Wouldn’t want the world to know their prince is a broken man.”
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“They’re um-” Henry cleared his throat and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, a nervous habit “-antidepressants, I’ve taken them since I was young.” He finally managed to say, his voice coming out more strained than he had hoped.
“Oh,” Alex paused, apparently looking for the right words for what he wanted to say next. Henry bit his lip and rocked back and forth on his heels in anticipation of his reaction. “Were you hiding them from me?” Alex sounded hurt, they’ve lived together for months and he’d never seen Henry swallow any pills short of aspirin, so he probably was surprised.
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“Depression isn’t that bad, you’re just lazy. You just have to shake it off and get it together like the rest of us do instead of acting like you’re … what?... too sad to function.” He mocked Henry with his laugh. “That’s absurd, you’re a ridiculous man Henry. You have everything, your life is what everyone on the damn planet wishes their lives could be and you’re too spoiled and ungrateful to even see how good you have it.”
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“I was, which seems silly now,” Henry tried to laugh, but it came across short and clipped. The sound of his teeth grinding together and the feeling of hot tears building behind his eyes at the memories coming out of nowhere to attack him were alarming, and Henry pushed it down. He didn’t want to seem ridiculous . “I’ve had some rather… unkind responses from partners.” He felt a tear slip down his cheek and swiped it away quickly.
“Oh baby, hey come here,” Alex had seen the tears of course, but he doesn’t seem mad or judgmental. He just seemed sad. He pulled Henry in by the forearms, pill bottle left on the counter, and hugged him tight against his chest. “You don’t have to keep things from me, I’m here for you. I’m here for the real stuff, for the long haul. I’m not going anywhere, and any idiot who got scared off by some fucking Prozac-” he laughed against Henry’s chest, “well they weren’t worth a second of your time.”
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“I can’t believe this,” he had said over the phone when Henry had called to cancel plans that evening. It was going to be a dark day, he could feel the grief swelling in his chest, grabbing hold of his lungs. “How long do you expect me to put up with this shit? You’re canceling on me so you can cry about a man who died years ago. Alright, give me a call when you grow the hell up.”
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Henry felt his shoulders shake as all the memories of him bubble to the surface, escaping the tightly corked bottle Henry had left them in all that time ago. He remembered all his cruel words and passive aggressiveness. Henry couldn’t understand, now, why he had stayed with him for so damn long. Hot tears packed with the shame that Henry hated spilled over his cheeks and onto Alex’s shirt.
Alex pulled away slightly to kiss him. It was tender and loving and everything Henry needed and wanted. “I’m sorry someone made you feel bad about this baby. I wish I could convince you that you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all.” He gently brushed the tears from Henry’s face and pulls him to the couch.
In their living room, they sat in silence for a while, Alex combing his fingers though Henry’s hair, and brushing gentle kisses on his knuckles and wrists.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked him. Henry could feel his breath catch as he thought about the memories of him and all the cruel words he had said.
“His name was Jack-” Henry started and then he told Alex things he had never told anyone before. He laid out the entirety of what had happened, he cracked open his chest and gave Alex the contents of his heart as he had done many times before. Alex knew him better than anyone else in the world, and now Henry finally could chase away any doubt in his mind and knew that he would never be judged by the man in front of him. Alex loved him like no one ever had before, and now he knew everything, he had Henry’s last secret in his hands to hold and help Henry carry the burden of the lives that he lived before Alex had been there.
“Henry, I’m so sorry that happened to you, I am so sorry that anyone treated you like that. You deserve so much better than what he did to you.” Alex said after Henry was finished. He held Henry’s face between gentle hands, like he was something precious and fragile, like he really was holding Henry’s beating heart between his bare palms. “I love you so so much, and I hope you know that I would never treat you that way. The love I have for you is not conditional upon you being some perfect flawless being. It’s okay to need help and it is more than okay to get the help that you need. I admire your strength and I hope that you don’t feel like you need to hide things from me.”
“It was just this one thing, I have no more secrets, my life has honestly never had room for many secrets, but he made me feel like if anyone ever found out, I would be an outcast and no one would ever love me. I know that’s not true, really I’ve always known that you wouldn’t treat me the way he had when he found out. I was just scared because the idea of losing you is scarier than hiding painful secrets away in the dark corners of my heart.” Henry held Alex’s hand in his, unable to meet his eye with guilt and hurt still swirling around in the pit of his stomach.
“C’mon baby, it’s getting late, let’s go to bed.” Alex pulled Henry to their shared bed and wrapped him up tight in his arms, and Henry knew that he was safe and loved.
The next morning, Henry took the pill bottle from where it was left on the counter and put it in the cabinet in their bathroom, right next to the disgusting organic cinnamon toothpaste Alex liked. Alex kissed him and told him he loved him when he saw it.
“I’m so honored to get to know more of you my love,” Alex had told him, and Henry almost couldn’t hold back more tears. “I love you so much.”
“And I couldn’t be more grateful for your support darling,” Henry grabbed Alex’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I love you.”