Chapter Text
Fezco didn’t get mad often, didn’t let himself. Got annoyed, fucked around? sure. But he didn’t let himself reach that point, and it had been so long he wondered if he maybe lost that emotion completely, as if Ash had reached into his body and taken it all for himself, that mad motherfucker who was always lookin’ for a fight. He needed to talk to Ash about that, maybe try lookin’ up some kinda coping something, maybe ask Lexi about it. She was always goin’ on about something, her knowledge literally unending, even impressing Ash and confusing Faye even more. They had been hanging for a while, with him textin’ her after the gas station… whatever that thing with that weird ass dad was, and her bringing by his sweater (he made her keep it, it looked too damn good in it for him to try to take it away).
He didn’t try to hide how he felt, reading her play in like a day (gave him the worst fuckin’ migraine afterwards but it was so worth it), always inviting her over, even letting her in on movie nights with Ash and Faye. She had Ash lookin’ at some of her easier math homework now, letting him help her, encouraging him to go back to school and he’s been thinkin’ bout trying to get his GED because of her. But he didn’t want to distract her, and especially now with her always workin’ on her play (which was gonna be fuckin’ amazing), and he knew on some level that her being around him wasn’t like, good, for her. She deserved somebody good, somebody who didn’t know shit about drugs, who wasn’t only good at math because it served his job enabling addicts, somebody who didn’t get Rue started on shit. But he kept going back for more, because god, she was so good, so addicting.
She was funny and smart and fucking stunning. She was literally everything his grandma warned about and he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t touch her, kept his hands to himself, but he couldn’t help if he always ended up by her, the inches between them like fire. She never tried either, tempted a few times, but he was always too much of a fuckin’ coward to let it happen, and so she stopped tryin’ after a while. He felt a cold sense of guilt at that, a frozen chunk of ice in his stomach.
But he just got to Lexi’s house, speeding fast as he could, not giving a fuck if he lived, because he was past mad, he was pissed off, livid, any words that meant past mad, he fuckin’ was. He had just gotten a text from Bobbie, not Rue, not Cassie, not any of those girls Lexi considered her fuckin’ friends, that Lexi hadn’t shown up to rehearsal or school today, and had he seen her?
Lexi never missed anything. It was like, sacred to her. If he believed in God, she believed that being consistent was akin to godliness. She still had her Perfect Attendance award from Elementary hanging in her room, and was aiming to get another one by the time she graduated.
He tries to get himself together before he knocks on the door, adjusting his shirt, trying to breath. He won’t ever tell Lexi this, but he hates her house. Feels all fake, and full of stress and lies. Never thought he was unlucky with his grandma and Ash, but Lexi’s home made him grateful for his life. Her mom hit on him, lookin’ him up and down like he was meat, and her sister hated him, blamed him for fucking up Jacobs’, as if the sonofabitch didn’t deserve it.
But he doesn’t give a fuck about himself right now, knocking on her door, waiting for anybody to answer. Her mom comes to the door, slurring her words, reeking of cheap wine. He asks where Lexi is, and she’s clueless, no idea. He wants to cuss her out, wants to shake her, make her into the mom his girl deserves, but instead he just nods, heading back to his car.
Before he gets all the way back though, he turns, where her mom is still lookin’ at him, and tells her that if he had a mom, he’d like a mom that wanted to know where her child was, or was worried when she was missing. Cassie comes out, fuckin’ oblivious of the situation, fixing to leave to go wherever, and when he asks if she knows, already knowing the answer, he tries to show how cold he is towards them, make his disappointment as visible as possible.
-
Once, Lexi called him. It was the same day Ash almost lost it on Jacobs’ dad, at almost 1 in the morning. She had been stressed, but didn’t tell him exactly what was wrong, only hinted that it had been a bad night.
“Do you ever feel like you’re just watching other people’s lives? Not getting your own?” She whispered into the phone.
“Shit, Lexi, that’s all I ever feel.” He responded, marveling that a girl like her could pinpoint exactly how he felt.
-
He calls Bobbi, asking her when the last time she saw her (yesterday), tries to call Rue (no answer), calls Ash, losing his fuckin’ mind. When Laurie calls, he immediately declines, but when she calls again, he knows the risk is too great.
“Hello, Fezco. How are you doing?” Laurie’s talkin’ in that way she always talks, all calm and freaky and shit.
“Yo, not tryna be rude right now, but you mind if I talk later? Kinda in the middle of some shit right now.” He can’t afford to be shitty to her, can’t lose his life just because he’s losing his fucking mind.
“I don’t think you want to hang up, Fez. Your friends asked me to call you.”
“You got Rue there? Fuck.” He seriously needs Rue to get some fuckin’ help, especially if she’s going off to Laurie’s by herself.
“Well, Rue’s here, but somebody else too. I don’t like the look of her.” And if he was mad, livid before, he doesn’t know the words to describe what he is now. He’s pulling up to his apartment, parking the car.
“I’m on my way.” He runs up the stairs, grabbing more weight than he ever dares take outside. He hates guns, usually just uses them as warnings, but he’s gonna fucking kill somebody today. He calls Ash, tells him to shut down the fucking store, he’s on his way, get fucking ready. He knows he’s not thinking clearly, knows that’s what Laurie wants, knows that’s how he gets fucked, so he asks Ash what the fuck they need to do. Ash, with his anger problems and Lexi being as close as she is with him, also isn’t thinking clearly and he can tell, but they don’t think too much, pulling out to Laurie’s.
-
The first time Lexi came to the apartment, she brought Uno. He was fuckin’ blown away, and Ash pretended to be above it all, but he got so intense he made them play 5 rounds, even playing for Faye when whatever the fuck she was on hit her too hard to keep going. Wasn’t ’til he had won multiple times, pulling a +4 on Lexi’s ass that he gave in, declaring, “Fucking hell fucking yeah, uno motherfuckers!”
It was the most he’d ever seen Ash out in front of somebody else, not tryna scare them, just being a kid. Lexi entertained the fuck out of it, telling him about the game she’d bring next time.
-
He sees her as soon as he’s let in, and he knows he believes in a more traditional god, old man with a beard shit, but when he sees that beautiful girl, it feels like he’s found God in that moment. He fights the urge to run to her. He can’t play his cards right out, especially if she just came along with Rue, because of course she would do that, go with a fuckin’ addict to god knows where to try to keep her safe. They’re at the table, playing cards, or at least he thinks Lexi and the dudes are. Rue’s knocked out on the table, head laying down, but no blood, no wounds so probably just fuckin’ high. He never lets himself get mad at addicts, knows they’ll do anything, say anything. Lexi said it’s like a disease, like depression or happiness or some shit, but fuck, he’s mad at Rue. If they make it out, he’s gonna talk to Lexi about setting boundaries, about staying safe, about how sentimentality is fucking dangerous. He realizes, bitterly, looking in her eyes, hands shaking holding the cards that he probably won’t actually have to have that talk. This is the wake up call that she didn’t deserve, that she shouldn’t have had to ever fuckin’ experience and he caused it, but he would fucking fix it.
“Fezco!” Laurie’s in the living room, on that fucking massage chair thing, as if she doesn’t have two hostages in the room over. “We have quite the conundrum.”
He doesn’t know what that means, but he feels like it’s a bad thing, so he keeps quiet, staying standing. Laurie eyes him, then continues, “Rue Rue here has made a very big mistake. She said she was going to start a business, help us with our work.”
And this is strange, because he knows that this is still very bad, but he relaxes. She doesn’t know about Lexi, doesn’t know she has the most powerful card right under her nose. It’s just about Rue being a fuckin’ dumbass. “How much?”
“10,000.” And Fex breathes. He can do 10,000, work that off, pay that back in a year or so. It’s not ideal, but he can do that, can do anything to get Lexi safe again.
“You want me to spot her?”
“That would be lovely, Fezco.” And Laurie thinks she’s won. Fezco gives her the money he’s made so far, gets some more stash than usual, will have to spend the rest of the year pushing people past what he’s comfortable with, but as they’re walking out, Rue oblivious, Fez cussing her to the fuckin’ moon and back, Ash walkin’ beside Lexi, Fez is breathing easier than he has since Bobbi’s call.
-
Once he almost got the nerve to kiss her. He saw her at some house party, talking to some lanky ass dude. He didn’t get jealous, especially not when he knew the dude was obsessed with that Kat chick, but when Lexi saw Fez walking towards her, she threw herself at him, yelling his name, hugging him fully, no side hug shit here. The dude waved his goodbyes, Lexi hardly noticing, too busy asking Fez what he thought of the article she sent him (it was about this play she had to read for class, a breakdown of the history of the authors), to even notice the dude leave. They found a couch, him getting up every so often to work, with her turning her body completely towards him, for once not trying to observe everybody else.
“What you always thinkin’, when you lookin’?” He couldn’t help but ask, had to when it became so common.
“I don’t know, you know? Like at first it started because I was worried, didn’t want them to get hurt, but now I don’t know. I kinda became obsessed with this idea of, like, if I can know what’s happening, then I can prepare for it. And if I’m prepared for it, then it can’t hurt me?”
He nods, agreeing. “I had to learn to do that shit, ya know? I was a quiet kid, ‘specially after this,” He motions to his scar, “So my grandma made me learn how to watch.”
“I get that, I think.” She’s nodding, closer to him on account of this group sitting on the couch arms, and looking at his eyes, and he can’t help but notice how she also has some light freckles like him. Cassie’s the one who interrupts this time, screaming at Maddy in the kitchen. “I’ve gotta go help. Text me?” She squeezes his hand quick, and he’s nodding (“You know it.”) and then she’s gone, dealing with her sister and her friends and carrying the weight of her entire world.
-
He puts Lexi upfront, is half tempted to leave Rue on the fuckin’ street, but sticks with putting her in the back where Ash continues to yell at her. As he’s driving, first to Rue’s house, he notices Lexi crying, trying to keep her tears silent, like she’s probably done her whole fuckin’ life, and he realizes she would’ve been there regardless of him. That she’s been in this life since she was born, that the thing he loves about her the most (how deeply she cares, with her whole body, like it’s the most natural thing in the world) makes it to where she’d follow Rue or anybody that she cared about to wherever they took her, damn the consequences. And he forgives himself, stops tryna force himself to pay for his sins while he’s still on earth. He reaches across the console, reaching out for her hand, bringing it to his face to place soft kisses on. He just planned on holding it, but once he’s started he can’t stop, can’t let go.
Later, he’ll realize he was crying too, but in the moment, all he can focus on is trying to comfort this girl he probably loves. After dropping off Rue, he begins to head to her house, her hand still in his, but she shakes her head, still not talking, still eerily quiet for his talkative girl.
“You ain’t wanna call it a night?”
“I don’t wanna be alone.” She says it quiet, a whisper that he wouldn’t have been able to hear if he wasn’t trying his hardest. He nods, changes the route to his apartment. Ash reaches forward, putting in the one CD he has that Lexi loves, that she bought specifically for his car after she realizes his radio was broken and he didn’t have an aux. Fez realizes maybe he doesn’t need to have that talk to Ash, that maybe this 12 or 13 year old boy knows more about life and how to care for the people around him than most.
When he parks, he lets go of her hand only to run around, open her door, and then the contact is back, Fez wrapping his arm around her, Ash running ahead to open the door. They make it to the couch before she breaks, the sobs making him imagine Laurie dead, making the universe beg for forgiveness. He stops his fantasies when she curls into him, focuses only on holding her, running his hands through her hair.
“Yo, Ash, wanna make like a grilled cheese or somethin’?”
“Bruh, I don’t think a fuckin’ sandwich is gonna help her.” Ash is acting tough, but he’s worried, standing over the both of them on the couch. Fez thinks maybe he should’ve practiced more physical affection with Ash, maybe then the boy would feel comfortable touching people, offering comfort, anything. Fez gives him a look, and Ash gives in, heading towards the kitchen.
He doesn’t know when she ended up in his lap but she is, turned sideways, her head in his neck, her knees curled up, his hands wrapped around her legs, almost in a sitting hug. He’s tryna make soothing sounds, and finally the tears stop, her breathing regulating.
“She… fuck,” and her breathing is going fast again, and he focuses on soothing her, but she keeps trying, as if she needs to get this out, “I just asked to hang out, and I found the suitcase and I told Rue that we had to take it back, that she couldn’t keep it, and she lost it, and then that lady called anyways because the money was due or something and I just didn’t want her to go alone and I’m just so fuckin,” She’s gasping again, and he’s begging her to stop, he doesn’t need to know because he already knows her well enough, knows exactly what she thought, “I’m just so fuckin’ stupid, Fez.”
“You’re not stupid, you’re just too fuckin’ good. Fuckin’ fearless and shit.” And she finally laughs, more bitter than usual, but he’ll take it, take anything Lexi gives him. Ash sets down 4 grilled cheeses, 2 burnt, and Fez lets him take one of the non burnt ones, gives the other one to Lexi, takes the burnt ones for himself.
“I’m gonna go chill.” Ash is standing, not looking at either of them, “I’m glad you’re not like, fucked up or anything.” And with that he’s gone, that being the most sentimental the young boy gets.
“I’m sorry Rue did you like that. It’s mad fucked.” She hasn’t moved, and he finds he can’t remember what it feels like to not have her body against his.
“I’m sorry! God, Fez, 10,000? You’re fucking trapped because of us.”
“Nah, girl, can’t do that shit. Not because of you. You didn’t do shit but try an’ help a friend.” He’s got one of her hands again, placing soft kisses, trying to push a sense of safety into her with his lips.
“Fezco…” and he looks at her, the angle weird, her face almost too close for him to even see. Everything else is blurry, and it’s like his universe is just her. Her hand is on his neck, and when they kiss, it’s soft and desperate and everything Fez needed it to be, and her hands are on the back of his head, bringing him closer, and his tongue is in her mouth, desperate to taste her, and when they stop they are panting, her chest heaving. She readjusts, straddling him, and begins to go back, grinding her hips into him.
And he has to stop this, wants this to be when she’s happy, when they’re happy, “Lexi, I like you, like so fuckin’ much, but you’ve been through some shit tonight, ya know? I just don’t want you to like, regret this or some shit.”
She’s looking at him, eyes cold, and he can see the doubt crawl in, and she’s starting to get up, but he wraps his arms around her, not stopping her, but trying to make her feel how much his body wants her. “Lexi Howard, you blew me the fuck away tonight, so fuckin’ fearless. But on god, when we fuck, or make love or whatever the fuck it ends up being, it’ll be because we’re so fuckin’ happy we gotta keep it goin’, ya know? Tonight’s not about fuckin’ or anything but you feelin’ safe as fuckin’ possible, okay?”
She nods, the tears coming to her eyes again, but lookin’ happier this time at least, her hands on each side of his face, their foreheads touching, her smile comin’ through for the first time all night. “Fezco O’Neill, I think you’re one of the best guys I’ll ever meet.”
And he fights the urge to downplay it, like she always tells him not to, so he just holds her close, leaning in to her. “You wanna watch a movie or somethin’?”
She laughs, not in a mean way, never in a mean way, and nods her head. They decide on the original Frankenstein (his grandma had a thing for old horror movies), and at first they just watch, readjusting again, her moving to lay her head in his lap, sliding on the blanket that was always on the couch. Eventually, like he knew she would, she begins pausing it to tell him facts, and he offers his thoughts back, usually not as nicely as she does, but she always accepts it, nodding along with whatever he says. He runs his hands through her hair, not willing to not have some part always trying to comfort her.
Ash joins them, cursing the villagers and the doctor, and Lexi joins in. Faye gets back from Custer’s and joins them, giving random statements that are only sometimes related to the movie, sitting on the floor, leaning on the seat of the couch. He almost tells her to give them some space, but he sees Lexi lean in, whisper to Faye and can’t miss how Faye rolls her eyes as if to say, “duh” to whatever Lexi says, and when Lexi giggles in response, he decides that maybe he won’t be as annoyed by the druggie in the future.
Hours later, the movie and the movie they started afterwards over, Ash and Faye call it a night, Faye going to get her blankets for the couch. Lexi sits up, starts to put her sweater on, then her shoes.
“Yo, where you goin’?” He’s trying not to be controlling, he’s not like that, but damn if he isn’t automatically worried. He just wants her to be safe, ya know?
“Oh, I was just going to, um, go home? I don’t know, I didn’t want to like, invade your space.” She’s standing now, looking down on him, still on the couch, reeling from the change.
“Lexi, you ain’t ever invade my space, you got that?” She nods, pushing her hair behind her ears, and he finds himself standing, back in her personal space. “If you wanna go home, I’ll drive you, but like, you ain’t gotta run. We’d love for you to stay, ya know?”
“We’d?” It’s a question at his copout, he knows, and she’s reaching out and holding his hands.
“I’d love for you to stay.” He corrects, “But Ash likes you more than he likes fuckin’ anybody, so I think he’d like it too, swear.” She laughs, eyes less swollen now, fear less present.
The next morning, when he wakes up, her hair is in his face, she’s stolen all the blankets, and he’s wrapped around her like a crazy man. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt more content.