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One: Legalities
“Coulson, you’re the smart one, what should Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division actually stand for in the new age?" Fury asked seriously.
“Agent Peggy Carter. Truth, Justice, and the American Way?" Coulson asked. It was his third day of having an actual office. Yay, being moved up to Level Five access.
“I need you to write the handbook, Agent.”
“Sir?”
“We need a new handbook. The most recent copy is ten years old, and it needs to be updated.” Fury tossed a copy at Phil, who caught it.
“Sir, I’m not sure if I’m-”
“What’s the form for weapon discharge, but only in the subbasement of a sewer in Iran?" Fury asked seriously.
“GU/I.3.7/5," Phil answered easily. He blinked up at Fury.
“Right. I expect a rough draught no later than next Thursday.”
Next Thursday:
Phil knocked on Fury’s door, and entered.
“I have the new handbook, sir," Phil said cautiously.
“Good.” Fury didn’t bother looking at the book or up from his computer screen.
“Any particular reason why we’re updating it? You have told me numerous times that I’m the only one who's read it.”
“Did you get to the section on recruitment?" Fury asked. It was always ‘Fury’. ‘Nick’ is the next door neighbor, but ‘Fury’ is the Director.
“Yes, sir. I changed it to ‘recruits will not be judged, given preference, or harassed based on race, creed, gender, gender expression, gender roles or sexual orientation’.” Phil looked at his boss. “That is what you wanted me to change, correct?" he asked a bit sharply.
“Among other things that I have no doubt that you did.” Fury was correct. Phil had added a number of things for LGBT members, and numerous contingency plans for different disasters.
“Yes, sir," Phil responded. “Why not do it yourself?”
“Because I never ever do my paperwork if I can delegate it, Phil.” Fury rubbed at his eyes. It would be another year before he would become a pirate. “Something you would be wise to learn. There’s got to be a new way of thinking now that it’s the 21st century. I want Shield to be on top of it. That doesn’t mean I like doing paperwork, unlike you, you unnatural thing.”
“Eh, I like knowing all the different ways to kill somebody and have it be legal, sir.” Phil stared at Fury in a significant way.
“Useful," was all Fury said. Shield rarely hires anybody who can’t learn to take down somebody with dried pasta. Coulson was just born with the ability.
Two: Knowledge and the Disguise of
Coulson stared at his paperwork, again. Barton, the newest recruit, the recruit that Coulson might have shot to recruit, was failing and it was ridiculous. Coulson had taken college classes and he knew very well the type of math that went into archery. Coulson knew all the different types of knowledge that was needed to hack, avoid, and warn off most of the government agencies on the planet at one time. And Coulson knew the recruit was violating several of Shield’s laws, and would have to file multiple forms to combat such action.
Phil knew that Barton was being a complete dick, for some reason, and acting like an uneducated southern (Phil had stayed in Iowa for a mission once and Iowa does not have a ‘Southern Twang’) farming hick, and pissing off his teachers and teammates in the process.
Coulson sighed loudly, and texted his recruit to get his ass to Coulson’s office ASAP. Coulson carefully did not blink when Barton sprang out of his ceiling ten minutes later.
“Explain to me why your test results are below 60% exactly, Barton. Take your time?" Coulson said politely.
“I didn’t understand the material, sir," Barton responded, making ‘sir’ sound worse than ‘dickhead’.
“It was on the destructive nature of tanks," Coulson said calmly. “With multiple choice. You once rigged a tank to blow up with only a pack of chewing gum and chinese chopsticks.”
“So? I didn’t know the stuff, so I failed the stuff. Is Shield gonna kick me out since I can’t pass your stupid tests?" Barton snapped.
“In the third grade, you scored the equivalent of a 99.99% on a common assessment test. Technically, you are a genius.”
“No, I’m not. Never scored higher than a C- in my life, sir," the archer growled. “I’m just a dumb hick, sir.” ‘Sir’ still sounded like the worst thing he could call Coulson.
“Yes, after that test, your scores dropped considerably. Most notable, however, is how they never were higher than your brother’s," Coulson continued calmly.
“So?" was all Barton could say. Nobody had really bothered to dig into his records before. People just dismissed him as a dumb kid with an ancient weapon, and served no use in the real world. Soldiers weren’t supposed to think after all.
“It would take a talented person to continuously fail just high enough that the teacher would round up at the end, and pass them.” Coulson stared at his recruit, meeting his eyes squarely. Coulson was resolute on this point. Phil wanted to go back in time and rig a couple unsuspicious deaths.“Brilliance should never be beaten out of a person, Barton.”
“Why not? You wear those damn suites to get everybody to think that you’re harmless, that you just file paperwork. What’s the difference if I fail a couple of tests so people underestimate me?" the ex-carnie asked.
“The difference being is that my boss knows why I do it, but yours will not, and they will decide that you do not need all the facts, since you’re slow. The difference is that people underestimate me, because they think that I’m just another suite, and can’t fire a weapon. They know that I handle most of the paperwork for the Director, and therefore, have a brain. People underestimating me means that they will die, because they can not properly judge threats. However, for the moment, you acting thusly means that they will fail you right out of Shield. If it continues, your handlers may not give you vital information, because they think you won’t understand it.”
“So I can continue to act like a hick to my teammates, but not the instructors?" Barton asked.
“I would prefer that you act yourself when you’re at Shield. Baring that, yes.” Coulson grabbed a stack of papers and forked it over to Clint. “In the mean time, you get to take some re-tests to prove that you can succeed at Shield.”
“Why are you doing this, sir?” The ‘sir’ sounded less like an insult.
“Because, knowledge is power. And I don’t wast good resources on dumb people. I don’t like it when people think they have to be something they’re not, or be worried about how to fake normal.” Coulson kept an easy, solid expression on his face, but there was adamantium in his spine, and his eyes glowed more fiercely than Captain America’s did(at the moment, at least).
“So, what do I go ‘fight the good fight?’ ," Barton asked, softer.
“First, stop quoting Angle. He is a fictitious over-dramatic, dusted vampire. Second, you do the best you can with what you have, and sometimes you get dealt a new hand. Now, scram, and do your paperwork!" he yelled after Barton as the archer climbed back up, into the vent.
Three: Yes I will Bake Cookies, No, I will not have sex with you
The Black Widow does not do confused. The Black Widow is a rapier of Russian intelligence, beauty, and destruction. Intelligence is always gained by manipulation, and sex is the common manipulator. It was good that her boss was a man. Weak minds, and all that.
Widow sashayed through Coulson’s office while wearing thin, black heels, and a blue dress. She placed her hands on his desk, and leaned over it. It was a very tight, low-cut dress.
“Yes?" Coulson asked politely.
Widow rolled her body sensuously, rubbing his desk rhythmically. Coulson didn’t seem like he had much in the brain department to her. He had let a known spy, who had doubled crossed at least one agency, into his.
“Can I help you?" Coulson asked calmly, brushing her off.
“How about I help you," she purred, since he didn’t seem to be getting the idea.
“I don’t do relationships," Coulson said firmly, looking straight into her eyes. Natasha almost flinched. His gaze was ice cold, but he broke it quickly by smiling. “How’s therapy going?”
She stared at him. “You don’t get reports?”
“Uh, no. Contrary to popular belief, I am a handler, not a medical doctor, even if the Director thinks I am.” Coulson relaxed slightly, now that he wasn’t being sexed up by a trauma victim.
“You don’t want to have sex with me?" the Widow asked, swaying her hips, but her eyes remained cold. If this man fucked her over after saying he wouldn’t . . .well, assassins earn their titles.
“No. Attractive though you are, you do not have the ability to give consent to any activity, because of the Red Room, and I’m your boss. And Widow, if I find that you’ve been seducing people to gain access . . .” He shifted slightly, stretching back in his seat, slowly. The red head froze. This man had looked dangerous before to her, but only in flashes, tricks of the light really. Sure, he held Barton’s leash, but that was nothing, really. Until now. This was a man who killed easily, cleanly, and with minimum remorse. “You will see it coming, and it would be quick and clean, but you’ll still be dead.”
“Understood, sir.” Natasha straightened her back, and faced him dead on. Coulson was an honorable man. Honorable men break, but they never bend for long. Coulson might be the exception.
“Do you know that people who have undergone partial reinforcement are very resistant to that conditioning?” It was an olive branch, and a blunt question in one. Phil knew better than to pull his punches with the formidable spy. He had learned a couple things in the past several years, especially with Barton.
“No.” Natasha did flinch at that. Well, she blinked, and her face twitched slightly, which definitely counts as a flinch.
“Very resistant does not mean ‘impossible’," Coulson continued more gently. It wasn’t the time to offer friendship so the best he could say was, “I’m not your therapist, but I do make some mean cookies if you ever need to talk.”
“Thank you, sir.” She left, closing the door gently.
Phil sighed heavily, and looked up at the vent. “Think I handled it well?" he asked it.
“Eh. I think you did the best job you could, sir," Barton called down. “She’ll learn that you’re not so bad, besides your fetish with paperwork. And how did you know I was up here?”
“Barton, one only needs to follow the smell of bullshit and disaster to find you," but they both could hear the smile in the Agent’s voice.
Four: How to Be Sex-Positive for traumatized soldiers
The one who knocked on Coulson’s door most often was not Barton like everybody suspects. It was James, formerly Sergeant Bucky Barnes. Steve softballed things. Thor was more confusing, and Stark was just . . .well, he tried, but Stark had been off-putting in the beginning. Clint was bad at putting things into perspective sometimes, but he would help. And James hadn’t liked being anywhere near women in the beginning, because they reminded him of things.
Coulson was good enough to handle James, should he flip a table or two, and Coulson never showed pity or sorrow. It had taken James a while to learn that compassion is not a weakness, and that was mostly from Coulson taking out a goon squad of Hydra, and then asking James if he was okay.
“So I think I want to have sex.”
“Okay. I’d prefer if it wasn’t with me," Coulson answered. His office location had changed, because he had moved into Stark Tower, but other than that, not much else had changed.
“No, I don’t want to have sex with you. I just I don’t know how to go about having sex. Lacigreen does not have any videos about how to achieve sex if you are a traumatized soldier, and have used sex before as a weapon.” Coulson had recommended her, and other youtubers after James had started talking about relationships.
“Are you sure that you want sex" Coulson asked. His tone was not particularly gentle or mean. James did not need any babying. Steve fulfilled that role happily.
“Yes. I want to know how pleasurable it can be. I want feel that pleasure with somebody else.”
“Okay. And what about Steve?" Coulson asked shrewdly.
“I-I don’t know. Him and the others have a Thing, you know? And I don’t want to get in the middle of that or anything.” James looked unsure.
Coulson nodded slowly. The Avengers did have group sex from time to time, because they lived in each other's pocket, and they liked each other (they were consenting adults so Coulson left it well alone).
“Do you want to have sex with them?”
“Sort of. I’m worried that I do, because they’re safe, that they’re the easy solution.”
“Okay. So, options. You can sign up to for an online dating service. You can hit a club. I’ll be happy to be your wingman, so to speak. You can ask me or anybody that you trust to set you up on a date. You can still ask Steve, since you keep staring at his ass after fights.”
“I should ask Steve," James said, whining slightly.
“Only ask him if you feel comfortable," Coulson said firmly.
“Okay. I will. Thanks, man.”
Final: Steve Fucking Rogers
“So, everybody thinks I’m a pansy-assed pre-scholar with the morals of saint, and an education of a third grader," Steve Rogers ranted, brooklyn accent coming on strong, as he entered Coulson’s office(after knocking).
“So?" Coulson asked. “It’s their problem if they want to believe that.”
“Are you saying that I should troll them?" Steve asked.
Seriously, Stark, he has Internet, and it is a prerequisite to the Avengers to be a sarcastic scrapper who doesn’t know why everybody else threw in the towel. Steve had quickly adapted to the 21st century, thanks to Darcy Lewis, Sam Wilson, and Phil Coulson. Pepper Potts had opened the betting pool on when Tony would catch on, exactly thirty minutes after she met Steve. Pepper is a devious human being, and all of the Avengers owed her favors (money means nothing for billionaires) for something.
“Well, it makes my job more difficult if you act like a hellion, and it makes you depressed if you can’t mess with somebody when they make you angry. Really, the only solution is for you to make them underestimate you, especially if they do all the work. Delegation, I’ve been taught, is the golden rule.” It would serve Fury right if Coulson passed this issue right back up to him.
“Okay, then. I’m gonna go tell Stark that I don’t understand what cock rings are. Bye!” And with that, Steve Rogers practically pranced out of the office. Coulson smirked. Stark deserved whatever he got, especially after he announced himself as ‘The King of Irony” last week on the Daily Show. Steve deserves to be happy, especially since he and James are celebrating their four month anniversary. James joined the poly arrangement occasionally, and dated Steve, not minding his boyfriend’s poly relationship. The point is that you would think that Stark would learn, especially after that BDSM scene.
Besides, even badasses need some entertainment, and they like nothing more than laughing at your failures, and sometimes (more often than not for Phil Coulson) fixing them.