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“I don’t think I like sex.” Natasha dropped onto Coulson’s couch.
Coulson set down his pen, and sat back, away from his desk. It was early in the morning, and Coulson had just gotten started on paperwork, but that didn’t matter all that much, because it was Natasha. Natasha had only joined Shield less than two years ago, and was still not ‘adjusted’ to Shield.
“Alright. Why?” Coulson didn’t ask why Natasha was having this conversation with him, and not Maria, Natasha’s semi-girlfriend. They’d started dating a couple weeks back, after a lot of discussion about whether or not Natasha was dating to repay a debt. She wasn’t, for the record. Coulson had worked out a while ago that he was people’s tech support for human experiences, and Natasha had started talking to him a lot after a mission involving a butterfly trading ring.
“I don’t. I mean I understand how to make people want me, how to want them back, but I don’t want sex part of it, you know?”
“Is it okay if I sit next to you?" Coulson asked. Natasha nodded. Coulson sat down on the couch next to her, she leaned against his side, and handed him a cup of coffee.
“So, you prefer cuddling to sex?" Phil, it was Phil now that this was clearly not a work thing, asked.
“Maybe. I don’t know. You ever want the intimacy, but not the grossness of it?" she asked, slightly off kilter. The Black Widow was not supposed to be confused, not supposed to be uncertain, and it still felt like life with Shield was entirely that. The Black Widow had been trained to be fearless about everything, to kill in every situation, to take control.
“Yes," Coulson said calmly. “Some days I want to kick off my shoes, and order Chinese, and go to sleep against Clint.” People have needs, okay? Paperwork does not fulfill those needs, despite what certain Hawks say at the water cooler. “Try telling me everything that you hate about sex, and everything that you like.”
“I like the moments after, where my partner can’t hide, can’t fake what they’re feeling. I hate the slide of bodily fluids, of expectations, or feeling out of control or feeling that way with somebody else. I like the release, but I don’t like the action of it with another person.” Natasha stared at Coulson, trying to get him to understand.
“Do you feel the same sense of release from other activities, like sparring or ?" Coulson asked. His face remained one of non-judgement.
“Yes. I just feel like sex isn’t as much a release for me as it is for other people. I like Maria, I like making her happy, it makes me happy, but I don’t like sex. I like that it makes her happy, but I worry that she’ll think that’s she’s pressuring me or will get all emotional that I don’t like it enough," Natasha said softly. “Is it wrong to not like sex for itself?”
“No.” Coulson didn’t feel pity for Natasha. She could handle herself very well. “Is it wrong that I prefer to have sex with only men?”
“No. You and Clint are great together," she quickly said. There had been a lot of explanations involved for her to get to the point where she stopped threatening Coulson for the remote possibility of hurting Clint.
“So sex to you is like vetables. You know that’s it’s healthy, and it makes your partner happy when you do it, but you don’t like doing it all that much, and cheese cake is much much better," Coulson philosophized.
“Yes, and I am concerned to tell Maria, because I know that she will freak out, because we’ve had sex. She’ll think that because I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to have it.”
“Did you?" Coulson asked sharply.
“Maybe. I liked certain part of it, the touching, but maybe not the actual sex bit. I don’t know.” Natasha looked away from him. “I mean I liked it, but it was like eating pizza when I could eat cheese cake or curl up and watch TV with her. Am I broken?" she asked in all seriousness.
“Am I broken for liking Captain America comics over critically acclaimed literature? Is Clint broken, because he likes singing in the shower and shooting at targets for six straight hours. Nobody’s broken for liking different things or not liking or disliking everything equally. Sex is a personal thing, and attraction to something or against something is not a requirement to not be broken. You’re not broken, Natasha. You have issues, especially if your neutrality over sex is caused by it being a weapon to you," Phil carefully explained.
“I’ve used guns as weapons. I’ve used every part of my body as a weapon. I like both of them. They’re comfortable. Sex is neutral because of me, not what’s been done to me," Natasha said.
“That’s fine then. It’s okay to not want to have sex, because of the past," Phil said gently.
“That’s not it. I want to want. I have the want with myself, just not with other people.”
“Alright. Try explaining this to Maria.”
“I don’t, I don’t want to scare her. She tries so hard to- I don’t want to scare her. What if she doesn’t want me anymore? What if she thinks I am too messed up? Why do I even have to tell her?”
“Okay. First, if she doesn’t want you, that’s her problem, not yours. It would be the same if I didn’t want Clint, that would be completely on me, because it would be cruel to ask him to change for my satisfaction, understand?” Natasha nodded. Clint was awesome to her the way he is. “Second, one day, she’s going to learn, and she’s going to feel bad, really bad, that you couldn't talk to her. You're in a relationship, Natasha, and you should be trust the relationship enough to be honest. If not, then maybe you’re not in the right relationship. Third, do you want me to mediate the conversation?" Phil asked.
“Yes. Tonight?" Natasha asked quickly.
“Sure.”
“Okay, I’ll just go then.” She turned to leave. “Thanks, Phil.”
“Anytime.” Natasha left. Phil got back to being Coulson, and completing his paperwork thoroughly.