Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warnings:
Category:
Fandom:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
Français
Series:
Part 86 of Koh-Lanta-shot
Stats:
Published:
2022-02-01
Completed:
2022-06-16
Words:
10,756
Chapters:
42/42
Comments:
163
Kudos:
6
Bookmarks:
1
Hits:
317

Koh-Lanta : La Légende incorrect quotes

Notes:

j'ai mis la langue en français mais comme je tiens déjà un compte d'incorrect quotes en anglais je n'ai fait aucun travail de traduction let's goooo (on soutient Olga et Mattéo ici pour le Totem Maudit). Je sais pas si je vais continuer ça ou si ça va être régulier, mais en tout cas ça m'a amusé

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Ugo : I accidentally indulged in too much 'Me Time' 

Ugo : Turns out, I've been reported missing for six months and presumed dead by most locals and national authorities. 

Namadia : You say 'please' and 'thank you' in front of your younger siblings all the time and they never repeat it. 

Namadia : But when you say 'Fuck' ONCE-

Sam : I was so angry at everything when I was 13, and I was right. 

Laurent : I fucked up.

Claude : We. We fucked up. 

Clémence, about l'île des bannis : We call that a traumatic event. 

Clémence, turning to Clémentine : Not a 'bruh moment'

Clémence, turning to Candice : Not a 'major L'

Clémence, turning to Ugo : And definitely not an 'OOF lmao'

Loïc : My middle name is Danger.

Jade, booping him on the nose : That's a lie, your middle name is cutie pie.

Claude : You're the only woman I know who can actually take delicious lemonade and turn it into lemons. 

Coumba : Sugar is bad for you.

Teheiura : If you wake up much earlier than normal, you feel secret emotions.

Phil : One time I just woke up at 7am and stared at the sunrise for an hour. Don't know what emotions those were but they sure were a lot. 

Laurent : If you stay up late enough, you feel those same emotions, but the bad version of them. 

Maxime : I'm hardcore, made of steel, and haven't felt an emotion since 2004.

Cindy : I caught you crying over baby turtles just two hours ago.

Alix : Carpe Diem.

Alexandra : Fish of the day ?

Patrick : Why are you so pissed off all the time ?

Karima : *Pulls out a fifty-foot-long scroll*

Karima : Reason number one out of two thousand four hundred and-

Patrick : Okay, okay ! I get it, there's a lot ! 

Karima : *smirks before proceeding to roll the scroll up and put it back in her bag*

Patrick : You just carry that thing with you everywhere ?

Karima : I get asked a lot.

Freddy : Claude, where are you going ?

Claude : Well, that depends, Freddy. When I die, probably to Hell, but right now, I'm going to the bathroom.

Christelle : Clémentine, would it kill you to take a salad roll instead of a hot dog in your friday lunch order ?

Clémentine : My usual order is pizza, and yes, it would kill me. I will probably, definitely die. 

Denis : This kind of idiocy will not be tolerated.

Laurent : Is there another kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with ?

Claude : I can't believe it. All these people dressed in black. All-black was my thing, and now everyone's doing it to be 'cool'. They're all posers.

Patrick : Claude, I cannot stress this enough. We are at a funeral. 

Sam : I don't know if he even likes me back.

Teheiura : Nonsense ! Loïc would jump off a cliff for you !

Sam : Loïc would jump off a cliff for fun ! 

Alix : It's not the destination that matters. It's the huge amount of enemies you made along the way.

Namadia : You're going to jail.

Ugo : Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by. 

*On the phone*

Teheiura : How'd you get this number ?

Sam : Tehe, I'm your son.

Christelle : Where have you been ?! You left your cellphone in your desk and I assumed you were dead !

Jade : Uh, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Chapter 2

Notes:

ça m'amuse vraiment beaucoup trop

Chapter Text

Loïc : Alex, can you handle that ?

Alexandra : I never know if I can handle anything. That's what makes my life so exciting. 

Jade : What is love ?

Clémentine : An emotional minefield.

Christelle : A neurochemical reaction.

Cindy : Baby don't hurt me, no more. 

*Sam has woken Claude up twice about a ghost*

Claude : Now listen, hermanito. I don't care what you do with your ghost, but leave me out of it, alright ? 

Sam, sarcastically : Don't worry, I won't call you even if I'm in mortal danger !

Claude : Good. Sweet dreams !

Ugo : I'm the sexiest idiot in this therapy waiting room. 

Laurent : Do you ever think ? Because I do not. 

Patrick : It's been a terrible week.

Patrick  : But hearing Maxime and Namadia convince Phil that J.R.R. Tolkien's real name is 'Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien Tolkien' was absolutely priceless.

Alix : What's the phobia for being murdered ?

Coumba : Common sense ?

Denis : What did I tell you three not to do ?

Teheiura : Which one ?

Claude : You tell us not to do a lot of things. 

Laurent : Sometimes I don't even think you let us do things. 

Karima : Freddy told me to give you this. *gives Ugo a piece of paper*

Ugo : *reads silently*

'There's a big sale in your bedroom right now'

Ugo : Huh?

'All clothes are 100% off'

Ugo, sweating : I-I have to go.

Laurent : I'm not going to tell you, I'm not a snitch.

Denis : Right, let's try something else then. Tag a friend you recently commit a crime with.

Laurent : Lmao @Claude 

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Ugo: Look, there's something I think we need to talk about.

Loïc: I'm not reading the last page of that dinosaur book. I know something bad happens to them.

Sam, gesturing : May I sit here?

Teheiura: That's my lap.

Sam: That doesn't answer my question.

Laurent: I've only said ''I love you'' to two people before in my entire life :

Laurent: Claude Dartois.

Laurent: And a dude in a dark club who I mistook for Claude Dartois.

Christelle : Remember, sticks and stones may break our bones--

Cindy : But chains and whips excite me!

Christelle :... No. 

Namadia, holding two pieces of bread on either side of Coumba's head : What are you ?

Coumba, with no hesitation : A snack.

Alix: You can't make everyone like you. You're not Jade.

Alexandra : Not everyone likes Jade.

Alix : Who doesn't ?

Alexandra : Well--

Alix : Names. Now give me their names.

Candice: Claude can't be good at everything, maybe he's a bad kisser.

Laurent : No, he's good at that too.

Candice : What ?

Laurent : What ?

I only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good.

Ugo (about his second Koh-Lanta)

Talk shit get hit.

Karima (to Clémentine)

Denis: Rules are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Patrick : Uh, piñatas.

Phil : Glow sticks.

Namadia : Karate boards.

Maxime : Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Loïc : We're going mattress shopping.

Sam : You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.

Loïc : Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress Trampoline.

Sam :

Loïc : Wait, no. You were talking about sex.

[After that terrible final]

Teheiura, standing alone in the kitchen at 3am eating cheese and alfajores while sipping from a glass of champagne : Self Care.

Denis : I don't have a favorite candidate. How could you even think that? All of them are of totally equal importance and worth.

TF1: It's Ugo, isn't it?

Denis : I can't help it. He has those love-me-tender eyes and I'm weak.

I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde boy with an ass that won't quit.

Freddy

You really know how to put the ''dick'' in ''dictatorship''

Laurent to Denis 

These people are my friends! I've known them for twelve hours!

Loïc, probably

Teheiura : Don't look at me like that.

Sam : Like what?

Teheiura : Like I'm your everything.

Sam : I don't know how else to look at you.

Coumba : You're a lying cheating peace of garbage, this isn't the woman I'm dating.

Clémence : Then we'll split up. And I'm taking the kids.

Candice, lifting the monopoly board : I think we're gonna stop playing now.

Laurent : *bursts into the room, and slams the door shut, clearly panicked*

Namadia: Oh god, what did you do?

Laurent : Nobody died!

Namadia : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Clémentine : I love you.

Candice : I love you more.

Clémentine, putting down her sandwich : Some of us are trying to eat here.

Chapter 5

Chapter Text

Candice : If you had to separate your dog from 49 other identical dogs that were all equally excited to see you, how would you determine which dog was yours ?

Clémentine : I would take my 50 dogs home and live like royalty.

I don't have baggage ; I come with lore.

Teheiura 

Loïc : Oh ! 

Sam : What's wrong ?

Loïc : I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Sam : It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Alexandra : If I die, I want you to have all my books. 

Alix : That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

Alix : Don't die though.

Claude : I identify exclusively as moronsexual. Yesterday, Laurent asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was and now I dream of kissing him in the moonlight.

Laurent : Claude, what kind of animal is the Pink Panther ?

Claude, already taking off his clothes : Laurent, you're so fucking stupid-

Ugo : According to chemistry, alcohol is the solution.

Freddy : You can't just use ''I'm gay'' for every bad decision you make ! 

Claude : But... I'm gay ! 

Karima : I think I'm weird. 

Jade : Well, you've got to be odd to be the number one. 

Sam : Well the saying goes ''Love is an uninvited guest''.

Teheiura : So you broke into my house at 4am ?

Coumba : If the phrase ''contributed to the moral breakdown of society'' does not appear in my obituary, then I've gone about this all wrong.

Chapter 6

Chapter Text

Cindy : You deserved better.

Karima : Fucking right I did.

No, I never work out. Constant stress and panic and lack of sleep and various food intolerances keep me quite thin.

Sam

Kidnapper : We have your son.

Ugo : Hm, my son is with me right now?

Kidnapper : Then who just asked for warm chocolate milk and made us cut the crusts off his sandwich?

Ugo : Oh my god, you don't have my son. You have Loïc.

Coumba : I'm going to the bakery, you want something?

Freddy and Jade laying face down : We want Grégoire back.

Coumba : I've got enough money for 5 chouquettes I think.

Claude : I am a bad person. I am a very bad person. I am a horrible person.

Laurent :

Teheiura :

Ugo :

Claude : ''No you're not Claude. We still love you Claude.''

When life gets tough, it's time to do some weird shit to your hair.

Laurent

Alix, to the others : And I realized, it doesn't matter where you go, there's always gonna be bitches and assholes in your life. So the only thing you can do is surround yourself with the few bitches and assholes you can actually stand being around. And for me, that's you guys.

He's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster.

Claude about Laurent

Teheiura : I'm leaving you.

Sam : Where? Can I come?

Coumba : I hate you.

Clémence : I thought you loved me.

Coumba : I'm multitasking.

Chapter 7

Chapter Text

Sam : I like bad boys.

Loïc : I don't use the safety strap of the Wii remote!

Freddy : Hey! This is not the time to blame Claude!

Claude : Thank you. Finally.

Freddy : There will be plenty of time to blame Claude later, when this is resolved.

It's called chemistry ; I have it with everybody.

Laurent Maistret at some point probably

Teheiura, about Sam : We started as a team. We chose to be a family. And if there's hope for us... There's hope for anyone.

Karima : Someone will die.

Ugo : Of fun!

Maxime: I really don't think you should drink any more coffee today.

Clémentine : Coffee cures depression.

Maxime : I don't think it works like th--

Clémentine : MORE EXPRESSO LESS DEPRESSO

Denis : I need you to be straight with me.

Laurent : *nervous gay laughter*

Candice : When I was small--

Karima : *snorts*

Karima : ''Was''

Laurent : I kissed Claude.

Martin : What ?! When?!

Laurent : He came by our room right after you left.

Martin : I was only gone for thirty seconds! What did you do, shine a bat symbol on your dick?!

Loïc : You know, Sam, I'm glad we're just keeping our anniversary simple this year.

Sam : Ahah, me too *frantically waves off royal philharmonic orchestra*

Chapter 8

Chapter Text

Denis : Why do you two have the same answers ?

Claude : 

Laurent : You gave us the same questions. 

Moussa : I could have done it without my sidekick.

Sam : No offence Moussa, but you are the sidekick. 

Patrick : Are emo kids still a thing ?

Cindy : Yeah, but it's just everyone now. 

Clémentine : I'm not questioning your honour, Coumba. I'm denying its existence. 

Denis : Where did all of the funds go ?

Teheiura : *silently points to Laurent*

Ugo : Everybody's tragic backstory gave them mad skills and all I got were trust issues and anxiety.

Sam : The sky looks beautiful tonight.

Loïc : Wanna know who else is beautiful ?

Sam, blushing : Who ?

Claude, sitting between them : Me.

Clémence : *Lifts weights so she can carry bigger dogs*

Candice : Why do you have to be taller than me ?

Karima : Would you prefer me on my knees ?

Candice : What

Karima : What 

Ugo : Physically, yes, I could fight a bird. But emotionally ? Imagine the toll.

Chapter 9

Chapter Text

Phil : Unfortunately for everybody I will keep doing whatever I want. 

Jade : Why is your back all stratched up ?

Sam : *Flashes back to him chasing a raccoon after Loïc told him to leave it alone*

Sam : I'm having an affair. 

Coumba : Everyone should thank me because as bad as I am, I am holding myself back from being much worse.

Claude : We all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. 

Alix : Namadia.

Namadia : Alix. 

Christelle : For me, it's myself.

Clémence : You attract what you fear. 

Candice : 

Candice : Well, Karima scares me so-

Laurent : We need more excitement in our lives. 

Martin : Being married to you is all the excitement I can handle in my life.

Claude : I have a plan. 

Sam : Does it involve us not getting in trouble ?

Claude : I said I have a plan, not a miracle.

Namadia : This has been a long day, I'm going to bed.

Alexandra : It's 9am, you've been awake for an hour.

Namadia : Good night.

Maxime : Who wins the quarrels ? Karima or you ?

Ugo : Karima and me don't argue, she tells me to shut up and I do. 

Cindy : Why does Freddy call you babygirl ?

Claude : How about we stop talking for a little while- 

Chapter 10

Notes:

Vu que SoFoot fait une pause, je prends la relève en attendant que les rois reviennent, en étant beaucoup moins objective. C'est pas des quotes, mais j'avais envie parce qu'il faut vraiment parler de certains cas de cette saison.
Sinon vu qu'on parle news, bientôt une minific Freddy/Ugo qui parlera de boxe si je me motive pour écrire la troisième et dernière partie.
Ah, et entendre les thèmes de KL La Légende, et plus précisément ceux d'Ugo, sur un gars accusé d'homicide involontaire, bon... Petite descente aux enfers.

Chapter Text

LES BLEUS : 

Alexandra : 6/10 

Être une Alexandra signifie apparemment être douée en puzzle ou être une grande gueule qui pleure(ra) quand on casse(ra) sa flèche. Pour l'instant, un puzzle de réussi, que le Sam qui osera l'empêcher de profiter d'un confort ait les épaules bien accrochées. 

 

Maxime : 8/10

Encore un prénom récurrent de Koh-Lanta, alors, plutôt mauvais stratégiquement et fort sur les épreuves, ou trop sensible ? En tout cas, Maxime sait être le leader sur les épreuves des Bleus. Plutôt arrogant, à voir si ses coéquipiers se retourneront contre lui ou Alexandra. Debout il a dit mme Pécresse. 

 

Géraldine : 4/10

Qui ?

 

Colin : 7/10 

Le BG de cette édition, aura-t-il les épaules pour succéder à Ugo ? Une chose est sûre, Colin est un passe-partout qui saura sûrement s'allier efficacement à Benjamin pour renverser tout le monde jusqu'à l'orientation. Attention aux trahisons, petit suisse. 

 

Olga : 7/10

Olga ira loin, parce qu'elle a déjà trop subi dans la vie pour se laisser marcher dessus par Alexandra et son autoritarisme. La reine de la saison, il ne peut en être autrement. Jolis petits sauts après le puzzle, j'attends d'en voir plus. 

 

Benjamin : 5/10 

Le stratège revendiqué des Philippes. Bon, pour l'instant il est plus proche d'Ahmad que de Javier le stratège belge de 2012/2018 (mais si vous savez, le collier de Namadia), mais sa place dans l'équipe bleue déjà majoritaire risque de l'aider énormément dans son parcours. A lui de montrer autre chose que des limites physiques, et d'arrêter d'être plus froid que Karima. 

 

Fouzi : 7.5/10 

Espérons que le Mbappé de la finance soit à la hauteur de nos attentes. Plutôt discret malgré une équipe fantôme audible uniquement grâce à la grande gueule blonde. On espère le voir aller le plus loin possible, pour nous faire rire et compenser l'arrogance de sa tribu. (Il aurait aidé Ahmad à nager.)

 

Samira : 5.5/10 

Parle beaucoup pour ne pas dire grand chose. La candidate perspicace de la saison, pour succéder à Christelle. 

 

LES VERTS : 

 

Jean-Philippe : 6/10

Beaucoup de paroles, pas beaucoup de démonstrations. Remis en place dès le premier épisode par Denis et Yannick. Mauvais départ pour ce qui aurait pu être le successeur de Phil. On attend mieux d'un sportif arrogant, encore plus quand celui-ci est capitaine. 

 

Pauline : 4/10

On l'a pas vue, pas entendue. Bravo pour ta victoire finale, on a rien pu faire. 

 

Franck : 6.5/10

Il voit un truc qui a la couleur d'un arbre et il croque dedans dans la seconde sans se poser une seule question. Sortira avant l'organisation Rouge/Jaune des équipes sur abandon médical, malgré sa superbe interprétation des fontaines chrétiennes du Moyen-Age. 

 

Ambre :  5/10

Pour l'instant moins détestable que sa compatriote d'Amour Sucré, on en attend un peu plus de la plus visible des femmes vertes. 

 

François : 4/10

Quand on est accusé d'homicide involontaire, on évite généralement de faire de la télé-réalité, à moins de s'appeler Nabilla. Non mais Allo quoi, t'es pompier mais t'agis pas quand ton coéquipier sent sa bouche cramer. 

 

Louana : 4/10

Sortir en débardeur en plein vignoble, en plus sur un cheval, c'est audacieux vu tous les chasseurs de sortie. Hâte de la voir faire du rodéo en maillot de bain sur les épaules de Jean-Philippe pour attraper une noix de coco, avec un caméraman prêt pour le moindre ass-shot.

 

Nicolas : 4/10

Il a des boucles, on le confond avec Bastien, on se souvient que c'est pas la même personne. On l'oublie. On revoit ses boucles et on repense au showman Laurent Maistret. On regrette.

 

Lili : 3/10

Se faire rattraper par quelqu'un qui sait à peine nager, c'est chaud. Perdre sur un puzzle, c'est encore plus chaud. Être éjectée au premier conseil qui se passe même pas la nuit, c'est vraiment la honte. Elle aura fait son tour du monde, mais pas en 80 jours. 

 

LES VIOLETS : 

 

Céline : 3/10

Elle ne voulait pas être capitaine, elle fût capitaine. Elle pensait être sportive, elle ne le fût pas. Elle ne voulait pas être sortie au premier conseil, bye-bye. Elle voulait partir avec honneur, Stéphanie lui a donné le coup de grâce. Comme l'a dit Jonathan, Ciao Bon week-end. 

 

Mattéo : 7/10 

Le benjamin de la saison émeu déjà la France non-homophobe, être choisi en dernier n'est pas un défaut, accroche-toi bébé, ils ont juste peur de toi. On le sait, c'est toi le meilleur. Fonce petit coeur. 

Setha : 5/10

Faire semblant d'avoir un collier, on a déjà vu ça. Faire semblant d'avoir un collier pour se faire viser à la place de sa copine, on avait pas vu. Si les violets retournent rapidement au conseil, on imagine bien que son souhait sera exaucé. 

 

Yannick : 6.5/10

Il s'est cramé tout seul en nageant comme Ahmad sous stéroïde, et en échouant à un puzzle niveau Fort Boyard. Une masterclass contre Jean-Phi, faisant de lui le véritable leader des violets. Bon, il doit sûrement croire au Père-Noël mais on l'aime quand même. Son handicap au poignet pourrait très certainement faire de lui le plus avantagé des aventuriers jusqu'à la réunification, où il sortira, provoquant larmes et colère. 

 

Stéphanie : 8/10 

Pas venue pour récupérer des coquillages ou bronzer sur la plage. Un finish him digne des meilleurs SubZero. Notre croupière est là pour mêler tout le monde essayant de la critiquer, et on est là pour ça. 

 

Jean-Charles : 7/10

Le nouveau Grégoire, passé d'une voiture à une caravane pour vivre, ne nous déçoit pas pour le moment, et on attend une cabane de luxe au prochain épisode pour confirmer nos attentes. Déjà plus stratège que son prédécesseur, on a le droit d'attendre de lui au moins le Top 5.

 

Anne-Sophie : 6.5/10 

Cliché sur pattes, Femme de... On commençait donc mal avec la centième blonde de la saison, pas surprenant vu l'ex de l'Olympique Lyonnazi qu'est son mari, mais son cerveau a pris le dessus pour forger une alliance solide en muscles dès le deuxième jour. 

 

Bastien : 6/10

On sait pas qui c'est,  il ressemble à Nicolas, mais au moins on sait qu'il va apporter du calme sur un camp bourré à la testostérone. Apparemment en alliance avec Yannick, Anne-So et Jean-Charles, on attend de voir qui le trahira le premier. 

Chapter 11

Chapter Text

Patrick : I don't really mind Claude being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Namadia : You really haven't grasped the concept of this ''gay thing'' yet, have you, Pat?

Patrick : Well, there must be homosexual who date women?

Maxime : Yeah. They're called lesbians.

Clémentine : I gave Coumba a get better soon card.

Candice : That's surprisingly nice of you.

Clémentine : She wasn't sick, I just thought she should do better.

Alix, quietly to herself : Okay maybe mama DID raise a fool.

Sam : How did you know I was going to propose?

Loïc : Teheiura hasn't been able to look at me without crying for a month.

Candice : I made you a friendship bracelet.

Karima : You know I'm not really a jewelry person.

Candice : You don't have to wear it if you don't wan--

Karima  : No. I'm wearing it forever. Back! Off!

Phil : Do you think I can fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?

Namadia : You're a hazard to society.

Claude : And a coward. Do twenty.

Christelle : ''To do is to be'' - Socrates

Jade : ''To be is to do'' - Plato

Cindy : ''Do be do be do be'' - Scooby

Laurent : We're like cocoa and whipped cream.

Claude : How?

Laurent : You're hot and I'm on top.

Laurent : It's just so hard being perfect all the time and yet so down to earth.

Laurent : Like, I've never met someone who is as great as I am and who is also so absolutely humble.

Martin : *throws a boot at Laurent*

Ugo : Sometimes I feel like I don't fit anywhere.

Freddy : What are you talking about? You fit right there in my arms.

Ugo, tearing up : Okay.

Chapter 12

Notes:

Sofoot a repris les notes, alors c'est pas que j'ai la flemme, mais ils sont + vifs et drôles mdrr

Chapter Text

Sam : When you said you were magical in bed, this was not what I thought you meant.

Loïc, holding up 8 of spades : Is this your card?

Sam : Holy shit.

Teheiura : *exists*

TF1 : I feel attached.

Teheiura : What?

TF1 : I said I feel attacked by your existence.

Teheiura : Oh, okay...

Sam : One time I was late to practice and my coach made me run laps. My dad was the coach. And he drove me to practice.

Claude : Stop telling everyone I'm your dad.

Phil : *ordering a cake over the phone*

Baker : And what would you like the cake to say?

Phil, covering the phone : Do we want a talking cake?

Claude : I wanted to kiss you earlier.

Bertrand : W-Why didn't you?

Claude : Can't reach your face.

Bertrand :

Coumba : I've been dropping subtle hints that I like her.

Coumba : [walks over to Clémence]

Coumba : I can't stand you.

Clémentine : Nobody's perfect.

Candice : *walks by*

Clémentine : One person is perfect.

Laurent, drunk at a party : I lost my friend Martin, have you seen him?

Person : What does he look like?

Laurent, crying : Beautiful.

[When Jade and Alix are finally reunited]

Jade : Hey Alix, I got you a friendship bracelet!

Alix: Uh, I don't really wea--

Jade : *handcuffs herself to Alix*

Jade, whispering : Stop leaving.

Ugo : [Says something bad about himself]

Brice : Can you not? That's my boyfriend you're talking about.

Chapter 13

Chapter Text

Freddy : Martin, are you a practising homosexual?

Martin : I don't need to practise, I'm very good at it.

Javier, patting Brice and Ugo on their backs : Good job gays!

Brice, laughing nervously : You meant gu--

Javier : Did I fucking stutter?

Candice : Quick, you're losing a lot of blood, what's your type?!

Karima : Short, pretty, intelligent, you.

Candice : Blood type Karima!

Karima : Oh.

Karima : Uh, red?

Coumba : Misery loves company.

Patrick : You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole team.

Clémentine : Why isn't there a sad sunglasses emoji?

Clémentine : To show that I'm dead inside but I'm still cool.

Alix : It's time for Plan B.

Alexandra : We have a Plan B?

Alix : No. But it's time for one.

Laurent : You have no sense of fashion.

Ugo : I think that depends on-

Laurent : No, no, that wasn't a question.

Phil, about the team : I think I speak for all of us when I say we're irresponsible and incompetent. We're practically handicaped.

Claude : There are no straight boys. Only men who haven't met me.

Loïc : Always be positive!

Loïc : *falls down the stairs*

Loïc : Wow I got down the stairs so fast!

Chapter 14

Chapter Text

Ugo : I want to be rebellious but I don't want to get in trouble.

Laurent : Martin and I--

Claude : Are getting married?

Laurent : No, we--

Claude, pulling out a binder : Sit down. I have planned out the entire thing.

Freddy  : -And now for a Gay Update with Martin.

Martin : Getting gayer.

Freddy : Thank you, Martin.

Patrick, wearing Phil's glasses : How do I look?

Phil, squinting : I have no idea.

Namadia: I was born and raised in France.

Coumba : What part?

Namadia : All of me except my heart, it's Ghanaian.

Moussa : Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Bertrand?

Bertrand :... No.

Claude : I do.

Moussa : I know Claude.

Claude : I'm sad.

Moussa : I know Claude.

Alexandra : You guys are holding hands under the table again, aren't you?

Loïc : What? Of course not. I'm just checking his pulse.

Loïc : *Puts two fingers over Sam's wrist*

Loïc : And you have had a lot of coffee... Are you ok honey--

Sam : I DO WHAT I WANT.

Alix : I'm calling Teheiura.

Sam: no wait

Maxime : For 24 hours, all crimes are legal. What crimes will you be commiting?

Cindy : None, because they're now legal.

Maxime : Listen here you little shit-

Martin : *sees someone being stupid in the distance*

Martin : Pfft, what an idiot.

Martin : *Realizes it's Laurent*

Martin : Oh wait, that's my idiot.

Chapter 15

Chapter Text

Claude : Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.

Ugo : *holds the door open for Freddy* After you.

Freddy : No, after you.

Ugo : I insist, after you.

Laurent : *pushes past both of them* After me.

Jérémy : Wow Candice, you look incredibly pretty today.

Karima, aggressively louder : Wow Candice, you look incredibly pretty EVERYDAY.

Teheiura : Be careful son.

Sam : You called me son! No take-backs!

Loïc : One day I will solve my problems with maturity. Today however, it will be with alcohol.

Cindy : You're cute when you get angry.

Maxime : *glares*

Cindy : But not when you're angry with me.

Christelle : My heart says yes.

Christelle : But Jade and Coumba say no.

Phil : Don't underestimate us!

Alix : Our team motto is ''Maybe we'll get lucky this time.''

Sam : I drink to forget but I always remember.

Namadia : You're drinking a Capri Sun.

Jade : You're starting to forget your German. You don't practice!

Loïc : Entschuldigung Mama. Ich bin schwanger.

Jade : You just told me you're pregnant.

Patrick : Congratulations! You're glowing!

Chapter 16

Notes:

eeeerh là c'est dur de pallier aux absences de Niko-Ugo-AVB au secours je souffre

Chapter Text

Alix : Whose turn is it to give the pep talk?

Coumba :... It's Cindy's.

Cindy : Right. Fuck shit up out there, but don't die.

Patrick : Shit!

Jade : *Gasps*

Jade : *Covering Loïc's ears*

Jade : Watch your motherfucking language, there's a baby here.

Loïc : I can still hear you.

Christelle : What would say is your life motto?

Laurent : Single and ready to mingle.

Claude : Gay and ready to play.

Ugo : Bi and ready to die.

Denis : At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?

ALJ: At the hands of the legends?

Denis : An accident.

ALJ : That's how they are gonna make it look.

Laurent : How's the most handsome man in the world doing?

Martin, without looking up from the table : I don't know, how are you?

Laurent, voice cracking : I'm fine.

Maxime : I'm so useless.

Clémentine : Nah, you're not.

Clémentine : You can be used as a bad example.

Denis : I have my own competent team.

Candice : Mr Brogniart! I tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and I broke everything!

Namadia : Sam, what did I say about judging people?

Sam, sadly : Only behind their backs.

Namadia : Exactly.

Ugo : Is something burning?

Freddy, leaning seductively on the kitchen counter : Only my desire for you.

Ugo: Freddy, the toaster is on fire.

Teheiura : I wish you'd just admit when you've made a mistake.

Claude : *calmly stirring his coffee* I prefer it with salt.

Chapter 17

Chapter Text

Denis : How could you possibly get into this much trouble in one day?

Claude and Laurent : It didn't take us the whole day.

Candice : *sliding 10€ to bartender* I'll have the usual.

Bartender : *Gives him a hug*

Alix : Cool top, Sam !

Loïc, quietly : I have a name.

Sam : *chokes*

Ugo : I'm gonna need you to stay calm.

Karima : I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

You're my family and I love you, but you're terrible. You're all terrible.

Clémence (to his teammates)

Teheiura, to Martin : Hey... Are you and Laurent dating?

Martin, head resting on Laurent's lap :... What gives you that impression?

Claude : I can't imagine Pochettino with a sex life.

Namadia : Wtf Claude...

Claude, in creepy Pochettino voice : Change formation from 352 to 4141.

Namadia : *spits out his coffee*

Christelle : If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?

Jade : Strong.

Coumba : Weak.

Clémentine : An idiot.

Teheiura : You'd do that for me?

Sam : I'd do a lot of things to you.

Teheiura : For... For me.

Sam : Yeah. That too.

Maxime : What are the healthiest teas?

Cindy : Honesty, integrity and loyalty.

Maxime : Can you ever give me a normal answer?

Chapter 18

Chapter Text

Sam : I'm doomed!

Coumba : Well, you lived a good life, right?

Sam : I'm only in my twenties!

Coumba : I said good, not long.

[Skipping stones by a lake]

Candice : This is so nice!

Karima, whispering : Take that you fucking lake.

Loïc : *eating cinnamon rolls*

Jade : Cannibalism.

Loïc : *confused chewing*

Laurent : I wasn't that drunk last night.

Martin: You tried to colour my face with a highlighter because you said I was ''important''.

Laurent, sniffling : BUT YOU ARE!

Laurent : Wow it sure is beautiful tonight.

Martin : You know what else is beautiful?

Laurent, blushing : Who?

Martin : Freddy.

Phil : Have I ever let you down?

Ugo : Do you want me to answer or just glare?

Clémentine : I'm sorry that I called you an asshole. I thought you knew.

Someone : *does something*

Claude : *gay judgement*

Sam : And how exactly do you plan to stop me?

Alix : I'll call Teheiura.

Sam : *shocked gasp*

Loïc : Hey what does ''Y/N'' means?

Alxandra : ''Your name''.

Loïc, back to reading : Loïc staring at Loïc's eyes.

Chapter 19

Chapter Text

Christelle : Why is Karima always doing the laundry so loudly?

Alix : So everyone knows that no one helps in this house.

Karima, in the distance : [Slams the washing machine shut]

Laurent : Beauty is in the eyes of whoever is looking at me.

Someone : Daichi what do you want to do with your life?

Loïc : Wtf that's gross I'm 10

Freddy : What are you doing ?

Claude, digging through a jar of M&M’s and putting some in a separate bowl : Coumba really likes the green one, so I’m separating them.

Freddy : Aww, that’s so sweet !

Claude : What ? No, I plan to eat them in front of her and then run.

Denis : What do you want for dinner ?

Clémentine : Updog.

Candice : *Dabs*

Clémentine : No, wait until he asks what it is.

Jade : This is not gonna work.

Sam : Why didn’t you say it before ?

Jade: I DID say so before !

Cindy : Don’t do anything stupid before I get back.

Maxime : How can I ? You’re taking all the stupid with you.

Alexandra : Can I get some advice?

Clémentine : I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Patrick : Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?

Claude : I'm a knife.

Laurent, from across the room : He's a little spoon!

Coumba : Clémence and I have that sort of easy going Chemistry where we finish each other's-

Clémence : Sentences.

Coumba : Please don't interrupt me.

Chapter 20

Chapter Text

Bertrand : You use sarcasm to distance people.

Claude : And yet you're still here.

Loïc : Do you have a bandaid, bro?

Sam : Yeah, bro. Why?

Loïc : I scraped my knee falling for you, bro.

Sam : B r o.

Christelle : If you choke on water, you fail at two of the most basic tasks, drinking and breathing.

Cindy, coughing : Shut up, I'm trying my best.

Candice : I hope you're not going to do anything stupid.

Karima : I hope you're not hoping too much.

Patrick : Can any of you recommend me a book that made you cry?

Sam : Grade one Mathematics, 6th Edition.

Martin : You can't tell anyone yet.

Laurent :... I just told Claude.

Claude : I just told Jade.

Jade : And I just told many, many people.

Person : Don't be bitter. Be better.

Coumba : That's where you're mistaken, fool. I can multitask and excel at both.

Phil : My head hurts.

Alix : That's your brain trying to comprehend it's own stupidity.

Loïc : My teacher was asking kids ''Did you get anything for Valentine's Day?'' If a kid said no, she put candy on their desk. When she got to me, she didn't even ask and she just put it on my desk.

Ugo : *tries not to cry while hugging him*

Denis : Okay, if everyone's finished being stupid.

Laurent : I had more, but you have a point.

Chapter 21

Chapter Text

 

Patrick : Alles ist deine Schuld !

Maxime : I know, I know.

Patrick : You speak German?

Maxime : No, I just know the phrase ''this is all your fault'' in every language.

 

Clémentine : Cindy, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?

Cindy : No.

Clémentine : Did you glue yourself to the fridge?

Cindy :... Yes.

 

Ugo, with a large box in his hands : What would say if I came home one day with 4 puppies?

Freddy  :

Freddy : What's in the box?

Ugo :

Freddy : Ugo what's in the box?

Ugo : I think you know.

 

Clémence, watching Coumba from the bench as Coumba struggles with another coconut : I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with her.

Christelle : Well, you don't have to.

Clémence : No, I'm gonna.

 

Candice : I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life.

Karima : I wake up at 5am.

Candice :

Candice : I want to go to bed with you for the rest of my life.

 

Laurent : I take very good care of myself, I treat my body like a temple.

Moundir : Yeah, open to everyone day and night.

 

Sam : *Laying on the ground, crying*

Phil : What's wrong with Sam?

Jade : He took a ''which Koh-Lanta adventurer is your soulmate'' quiz.

Phil : Okay? And?

Jade : He got Teheiura.

Claude : Everyone has a weakness.

Claude : I, personally, am tragically talented and good looking.

Freddy : Baby.

Ugo : Yes?

Freddy : Nothing, I just wanted to call you baby.

Claude : I just wanna hear those three little words.

Laurent : I love you.

Claude : That's sweet, but try again.

Laurent : Fine. I will behave.

Claude : There we go.

Chapter 22

Notes:

retour de Koh-Lanta ce soir, pour la peine, Spécial Le Totem Maudit

Chapter Text

Ambre : Pauline texted me ''Your adorable'' so I texted him back and said ''No, YOU'RE adorable''

Louana : And?

Ambre : And now we're dating. We've been on six dates. All I did was point out a typo, but I like him so I'm not gonna say anything.

Setha : What do you think of Alexandra?

Benjamin : Watch her before she stabs you in the back.

Setha :... Seriously Benjamin.

Benjamin : I'm not joking.

Stéphanie : What was the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

Mattéo : That I was straight.

Jean-Philippe : When we were in U21, I had a crush on a boy in our team and didn't know how to deal with it, so I wrote him a letter that just said ''Get out of my team''

Fouzi :...

Maxime :...

Jean-Charles :...

François :...

François : Wait that was you?

Anne-Sophie : I could strangle you.

Nicolas : I'm taller than you.

Anne-Sophie, rolling up her sleeves : You're sunk slow enough for me to reach.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough.

Setha, at some point probably.

Maxime : At some point when Fouzi and I were flirting but not quite in a relationship, he asked me how I felt about pet names.

Maxime : To which I replied, ''well you have to call them something''

Maxime : The fact that I have managed to end up in a relationship at all is really testament to my boyfriend's patience.

Colin : What's my sexuality? Well I guess you could say I don't give any fucks.

Olga :...

Olga : Is that your way of coming out as ace?

Colin : Yeah, that's pretty much all I got.

François : Ambre, why are you holding Pauline's hand?

Ambre : Holding hands relieves stress and provides comfort.

François : Oh I thought you were dating or something.

Ambre : We are, I thought that part was obvious.

François  :

Stéphanie : Go on, don't be shy, ask me out.

Bastien : Okay, get out.

Chapter 23

Chapter Text

Claude : I don't let my sexuality define me.

Also Claude : Move, I'm gay!

Mattéo : I'm here

Cyril : I'm queer

Clémence : I live in fear

Vincent : I like deer!

Stéphanie :... And I'm sorry to everyone who has to deal with these idiots I call friends.

Martin : Got a hot date?

Laurent : No, but my date does.

Martin : *offended noises*

Denis : Everyone stop arguing and help with this crossword. I need a 6 letter word for ''disappointment''.

Freddy : Hm... Claude.

Denis :

Denis : It fits.

Claude : There are no snacks left in the kitchen.

Laurent : I'm literally right here.

Sam : Once, Loïc smiled at me and I had to visit the clinic just to make sure I wasn't pregnant.

Moundir : I sleep with a knife under my pillow.

Philippe : Weak. I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Laurent : You both are pathetic.

Philippe : Oh yeah? What killer weapon do you sleep with, Mr. Badass?

Laurent : Martin.

Coumba : Is it okay that I don't hate you like I hate most people?

Patrick, laughing softly : Yeah. Yeah, that's okay by me.

Loïc : A mosquito tried to bite me so I slapped it away killing it.

Loïc : And then I started thinking... It was just trying to get food, right?

Loïc : What if I went to the fridge one day and just slammed the door shut, snapping my neck?

Jade :...

Alexandra : You make me so angry!

Alix : Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly.

Alexandra : You're right because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody. You, however, I would maim.

Chapter 24

Notes:

je pourrais publier plus souvent, mais je suis une giga-fraude je le reconnais

Chapter Text

Alix : You know Alix, after one year and a half I still always think I know what will come out of your mouth next, but I never do.

Alexandra : Yeah, neither do I.

How was I supposed to know there'd be consequences for my actions?

Claude after going to the Sunset Beach Motel 

Sometimes I feel like everyone on this team is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the time.

Namadia, probably.

He has a square jaw, and teeth like a military cemetery. His hair is perfect, and we all hate, and despair, and love that perfect hair in equal mesure. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.

Laurent, about Martin

Candice : I relate to Belle because she loves to read books and loves people for their souls.

Clémentine : I relate to Tinker Belle because she needs attention or she dies.

Loïc : Hey, what if I poured maté into my cereals instead of milk?

Ugo, grabbing the maté as he walks by : Hey what if you don't.

The only thing I am guilty of is feeling too much. And going to the Sunset Beach Motel. But in my defense, I believe cheating should be legal if the game is too hard. 

Claude

Denis : Could you pass the salt?

Jade : *throws Coumba across the table*

Sam : Would you consider us adorable?

Loïc : No, we're adult men. We're cute.

Karima : My greatest weakness? Occasionally, I give a damn.

Chapter 25

Notes:

Mon club qui joue le plus grand adversaire possible de la compétition dans l'un des stades les plus mythiques au monde sans son meilleur joueur. oui je suis stressée, comme à chaque épisode où Ugo était en sursis. Forza Francfort, on fait pas comme en 2019 par pitié...

Chapter Text

Namadia, to Alix : Everytime you talk, I hear that sound that plays when Pac Man dies.

Clémence : Wow, it's pretty dark in here, I mean...

Coumba :

Clémence : I'm not scared or anything.

Coumba :

Clémence : I'm not scared or anything. Nothing at all. Especially not the dark.

Coumba : Do you want me to hold your hand?

Clémence : Yes, please.

Candice : *gets mad and starts yelling*

Karima : I didn't know so much rage could fit in such a small person.

Clémentine : Fuck!

Denis : Language.

Clémentine : English.

Karima : I like dark humor.

Candice : Ah...

Candice, turning off the lights : Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sam : *sniffles*

Claude : Sam, you okay ?

Sam : *sniffles again*

Claude, hugging him : If there's anything that upsetting you, you can always come and talk to me... Cheer up.

Sam : Hm... I have a cold.

Claude :

Claude : If anyone finds out what happened in the last few minutes, no one will find you again.

Denis : All right listen up you little shits.

Denis : Not you Ugo. You're an angel and we're delighted to have you here.

[On the Koh-Lanta groupchat]

Claude : The first one to replay is gat

Claude : gay*

Claude : Wait...

Loïc : In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Alexandra : Wasn't Laurent with you?

Laurent : In my defense, I was left unsupervised too.

Christelle : Is there a word that's a mix between sad and mad?

Clémentine : Disgruntled, miserable, desolated...

Cindy : Smad.

Chapter 26

Notes:

Un mixe La Légende/Le Totem Maudit aujourd'hui parce que... parce que.

Chapter Text

[After coming back from Polynesia]

Laurent : We sure had quite a year.

Claude : What are you talking about? It's May.

Loïc : Is that my shirt?

Sam, wearing a shirt that goes to his knees :... No.

Maxime : I heard you like bad boys.

Fouzi : Yeah.

Maxime : Well I'm bad at everything.

Maxime : *proceeds to fall down the stairs*

Ambre : Pauline has a good heart.

Louana : Yes, I've noticed you staring at her ''good heart.''

Sam, to Teheiura : Thanks, Dad.

Sam : Why is everyone staring at me?

Phil : You just called Teheiura ''dad''. You said ''thanks Dad.''

Sam : What? No, I didn't. I said ''Thanks, man''.

Teheiura : Do you see me as a father figure, Sam?

Sam : No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure because you're always bothering me.

Claude : Hey! Don't talk to your father that way!

When I die, I want my teammates to lower me into my grave, so they can let me down one last time.

Fouzi 

Karima : Okay, so tell me, when exactly will I be allowed to hang out with Candice?

Clémentine : When I'm dead. Plus three days. Just to make sure I'm dead.

Bastien : Looks like it's going to be another hot day.

Nicolas : Yes, good practice for Hell.

[In London]

Mattéo : Oowee! I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!

Stéphanie : No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. Do you know that? It's important to me that you know that.

Patrick : Here's what I know about women : They confuse and terrify me.

Chapter 27

Chapter Text

Clémence : I hate men.

Claude : Good, more for me.

 

Teheiura : What did I tell you about lying?

Sam, sadly : That it only works on Phil.

Sam : The others always accuse me of having a favorite teammate. It's not true, I love Loïc and not-Loïc equally.

 

*Alix's birthday party*

Namadia : Sorry I'm late.

Alix : What happened?

Namadia : Nothing, I just really didn't want to come.

 

Claude, to the cameras: Hi, I'm Claude.

Teheiura, quietly : I know what you did...

 

Karima : I had a dream about you.

Maxime : Aww, you did?

Karima, nodding : Yeah, I was beating the shit out of you.

 

Candice : I guess I'm just too tough to cry.

Clémentine : Just today, you were crying about snakes.

Candice, with tears in her eyes : They don't have any arms!

 

Coumba : We're a team, right? Ride or die!

Clémence : Sure, I'd totally ride you.

Coumba : What?

Clémence : What?

Christelle, tying her shoes : She said she'd totally ride you.

 

Claude : Send dudes.

Laurent :

Laurent : You mean nudes?

Claude : No, I'm in a fight. I need more men.

Claude : Nudes would be nice too.

 

Ugo : What's wrong with Loïc? He's been laying on the floor for 15 minutes.

Freddy : He's a little overwhelmed.

Ugo : Why?

Freddy : Sam giggled.

Chapter 28

Chapter Text

Maxime : I've had a thought.

Fouzi : Oh no...

Maxime : I swear it's a good one this time!

Louana : Fuck, Marry, Kill. Me, Pauline and François.

Ambre : Marry you, Fuck Pauline and Kill Maxime.

Maxime : I wasn't even one of the options, what the fuck...

Yannick : Why are you standing on a fridge?

Colin : I CAN STAND ON WHATEVER I WANT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Yannick :

Yannick : Where's the spider?

Colin, with a small voice : It's under the table...

Louana : You're so tall, Ambre. What can you see up there?

Ambre : Everyone's flaws.

Nicolas : Don't panic, I'm in charge.

Bastien : That's why we're panicking.

Colin : I'd like you both to remember how much you adore me and how dull your lives would be without me in them.

Anne-Sophie :

Olga :

Anne-Sophie :... What did you do?

François : I'm dad inside.

François : I meant dead.

François : *looks over at Louana, Ambre, Pauline and the others*

François : No, I didn't.

François : *sneezes*

Jean-Philippe :

François : You're not even gonna say ''Bless you''?

Jean-Philippe : I'm sitting here with you. You've clearly been blessed already.

Ambre : I am at a loss for words.

Maxime, later : Despite being lost for words, Ambre yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

Olga : You have beautiful eyes.

Alexandra : Thanks, I need them to see.

Chapter 29

Chapter Text

Freddy : For the millionth time, Ugo and I are just friends.

Coumba : *Sneezes*

Coumba : Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Alix : Hey, you're okay Alexandra?

Alexandra : Yeah, it's just these onions.

Alix, to onions : What the fuck did you say to Alexandra?

Clémentine : There is nothing worse than hearing people attempt to sound intelligent by using lengthy words incorrectly.

Cindy : I completely photosynthesize with this.

Loïc : Why are you single?

Sam : Because I have a strict dad.

Sam : Why are you single?

Loïc : Because you have a strict dad.

Laurent : Claude is my best friend.

Moundir : I thought that was Martin?

Laurent: No, Martin's my boyfriend.

Martin, blushing and choking on his drink : Since when? Not that I'm upset, I'd just like to know.

Laurent, frowning : I knew there was something I forgot to do last year...

Namadia : Are you currently seeing anyone?

Jade : No?

Namadia : Holy shit I'm right here, you must be blind.

Clémence : Having something or someone to care for can improve your mental health.

Teheiura : Like a kid?

Clémence : I was thinking of a plant--

Teheiura : Because I already have Sam and that isn't helping my mental health at all.

Christelle : What do you get when you mix a hormonally unbalanced emotionally unstable person with a little ray of sunshine?

Claude : Do I look like I know?

Christelle : I'm talking about you and Ugo.

Loïc : Bro, are your feet tired?

Sam : Yeah, Bro. How'd you know?

Loïc : Because you've been walking through my mind all day, Bro.

Namadia : Carpe diem - Seize the day.

Jade : Carpe noctem - Seize the night.

Laurent : Carpe natem - Seize the ass.

Claude : Seriously if you guys don't stop this, I am going to Carpe someone's neck and break it.

Namadia : Carpe collum - Seize the neck.

Chapter 30

Notes:

Pourquoi réviser pour les partiels pendant les vacances qui viennent de se terminer alors que mater en boucle les mêmes films avec Sam Worthington ce bg est possible (j'attends toujours la suite de Clash/Wrath of the titans même si ça ne viendra jamais c'est vrai)

Chapter Text

 

Candice : *sees tall person*

Candice's Brain : Jump in their arms.

Candice : Why?

Candice's Brain : You Gotta.

Candice : *Immediately complies*

 

Teheiura : What's your favorite cop movie?

Claude : Robocop. It's got everything I like : Gratuitous violence.

Teheiura : Oh, I thought you were listing things.

Claude : I was. I'm done.

 

Alix : Here you go, nice hot cup of coffee.

Mathieu : It's cold.

Alix : Nice cup of coffee.

Mathieu : It's horrible.

Alix : Cup of coffee.

Mathieu : I'm not even sure this is coffee.

Alix : Cup.

 

Loïc : I mean, small creatures are way more vicious when angered. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Sam : That can't be right! Give me one good example.

Loïc : Wasps.

Loïc : Terriers.

Loïc : You.

 

Candice, stroking Karima's hair : You're so cute.

Karima, sleepily : I could beat the shit out of you.

Candice, lovingly : I know.

 

Laurent : You remind me of the ocean.

Coumba : Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Laurent : No, because you're salty and you scare people.

 

Clémentine : Is that a hickey?

Ugo : No, it's a mosquito bite.

Freddy, entering the room : Hey, gu--

Clémentine : Hey, mosquito.

 

Claude : You look tired.

Denis : Yeah, I'm tired of your shit.

 

Phil : I can't believe you and Sam broke the bed last night.

Maxime : It must have been wild.

Loïc : Ahah... Yeah...

[Last Night]

Loïc : Bet you can't jump high enough to touch the ceiling!

Sam : Try me.

 

Denis : Dominik, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Claude : Oooh, someone's in trouble!

Denis :

Claude : It's me. I don't know why I did that.

Chapter 31

Chapter Text

Colin : I hate going into the kitchen to find out I'm the only snack in the house.

 

Jean-Charles : In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

François, yelling : Hey Nicolas, how tall are you?

 

Maxime : I think I'm falling for you. *winks*

Fouzi : Get up.

 

Pauline : You're pretty cute when you're nice.

Ambre : What am I when I'm not nice?

Pauline : Hot as fuck.

 

Maxime : You should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.

Louana : There's horrible people right in here.

Bastien, looking at his long hair : I just shouldn't be allowed to make decisions anymore.

 

Olga : I'm willing to do a lot of things.

Olga : But admitting to Anne-So that I'm cold after she told me to bring a jacket isn't one of them.

 

Ambre : Truth or dare?

Pauline : Truth.

Ambre : I dare you to kiss me.

Pauline : *kisses Ambre*

Géraldine : SHE DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE DARE!

François : Louana's a really good laser tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

 

Fouzi : Max, what are you doing?

Maxime : Making chocolate pudding.

Fouzi : It's 4am. Why are you making chocolate pudding?

Maxime : Because I've lost control of my life.

Chapter 32

Notes:

Francfort en finale de l'Europa League, priez pour qu'on la gagne plzzzz

Chapter Text

Nicolas : I'm thinking a spring wedding or maybe autumn. I don't want it to be too cold though.

Bastien : Hinti, we aren't even engaged.

Nicolas : SO THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO LAST NIGHT.

Mattéo : I have conquered my fear of ghosts.

Stéphanie : That's the spirit.

Mattéo : Oh fuck where?

Colin : Why does everyone always assume Anne-So is the one who has a plan? Maybe someone else has a plan?

Anne-So : Please, go ahead.

Colin : Oh no, that was hypothetical. I got nothing.

Maxime : 99,9% of people here are stupid.

Maxime : I'm the 1%.

Louana : Don't you mean 0.1%?

Maxime :

Fouzi : Honestly, when I'm walking down the street no one's ever like ''Hey, look it's Fouzi!''

Fouzi : I think they're just like, ''Whoaw! That tall child looks tired! Get some rest, tall child! You can't keep burning the candle at both ends!''

Olga : I have a medical condition alright! It's called caring too much and it's incurable!

Ambre : Hey, wanna hear something dirty?

Pauline : Always.

Ambre : The kitchen.

Pauline : What?

Ambre : You didn't do the dishes last night.

Louana : I have a black belt.

François : In judo?

Louana : From Gucci.

Fouzi : I like your new shirt!

Maxime : Thanks, it was 50% off!

Fouzi : I'd like it better if it was 100% off *winks*

Maxime : The store can't just give away clothes for free.

Fouzi : That's not--

Maxime : That's a terrible way to run a business Steven!

Colin : Are we friends again?

Yannick : No.

Colin :

Yannick : We're brothers.

Colin : That was terrifying, don't pause like that!

Chapter 33

Chapter Text

Ambre : Damn, you're sneaky!

Louana : Yeah, but I'm small, so it's adorable.

Benjamin : Hey, Bastien? Can I get some dating advice?

Bastien : Just because I'm with Nicolas, doesn't mean I know how I did it.

Géraldine : I've only slept 10 hours.

François : That's not bad!

Géraldine : In the last 5 days.

François : Nevermind...

Nicolas : My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Olga : Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Anne-So : Tackle him.

Yannick : Dump him.

Colin : Kick him in the shin.

Bastien : NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

Fouzi : Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.

Maxime : What are you talking about? They all make scents.

Fouzi : Shut the fuck up.

Anne-So : You made an enemy this Friday.

Pauline : It's Thursday.

Anne-So : Good to know.

Colin : I'm gay and stupid. That's all I am. God looked at my tiny frame and said ''You're going to be a little gay moron'' then released me into the world.

Colin : I'm powerful. I'm a rebel. I make my own rules and listen to no one else but myself.

Olga : Dej, come here for a second.

Colin : I'm coming big sis.

Louana : Fouzi, truth or dare ?

Fouzi : Dare.

Louana : Kiss the cutest person in the room.

Fouzi : Maxime?

Maxime : Y-yes?

Fouzi : Move over, I need to get to Colin.

Pauline : Can we get two straws with this milkshake?

Ambre : Aww Pauline that's so swe--

Pauline : Look how fast I can drink this!

Chapter 34

Chapter Text

Géraldine : My dearest Colin, my favorite human! My most knowledgeable friend! My--

Colin : What meme do you want me to explain this time?

Anne-So : *over the phone with Olga, talking seductively* So, uh, what are you wearing?

Olga : A blazer and jeans.

Anne-So : You're not very good at this.

Olga  :... Miss-matched socks?

Olga : Do you speak Russian?

Alexandra : I have seen a few scenes of that bat speaking in Anastasia. 

Maxime : I'm friendly, I'm loyal, I'm energetic. I... I just described a dog, didn't I?

Fouzi : Well, yeah. But people love dogs.

François : I need you to swear--

Nicolas : Fuck.

François :

Nicolas :

François : I meant a promise, but okay.

Anne-So : It's cold out here.

Olga : Here, take my jacket.

Pauline :... I'm cold too.

Ambre : Well damn Pauline, I can't control the weather.

Maxime : I'm quick at maths.

Louana : Alright, what's 39 times 19?

Maxime : 42.

Louana : That wasn't even close.

Maxime : No, but I was quick.

Fouzi : Ambre you're a genius!

Ambre : Thanks. I get called that a lot.

Fouzi : What? A genius?

Ambre : No, Ambre.

Colin : Dav, have you ever been with a woman?

Maxime : The only thing I've ever been with a woman is annoyed.

Nicolas : Come on, I didn't drink that much last night.

Yannick : You were flirting with Bastien.

Nicolas : So what? He's my boyfriend.

Yannick : You asked him if he was single. And cried when he said he wasn't.

Chapter 35

Notes:

bon bon bon, Francfort en finale d'Europa League ce soir, 21h je crois que c'est sur la 6 si quelqu'un veut regarder, j'ai peur, j'ai très peur. (Maxime est éliminé j'ai la haine je commençais enfin à l'apprécier, mais Louana est sortie du coup ça reste une victoire) je suis terrifiée, je veux pas qu'on perde

edit : CHAMPIONS AUX TIRS AU BUT CHAAAAAUD avec l'arbitre contre nous évidemment

Chapter Text

Pauline : Don't break someone's heart, they only have one of those.

Ambre : Yeah break their bones, they have 206 of those.

Louana : I don't dress to impress, I dress to depress.

Louana : I want to look so good that people hate themselves.

Yannick : When I was younger, I tried to start a gang.

Bastien : How did that go?

Yannick :... It turned into a book club.

François : You need to make them think you're stronger than you actually are.

Nicolas : That's what you do?

François : Me? Oh, no. My power is no illusion. I can fucking demolish you.

Colin : Jail is no fun, I'll tell you that.

Olga : You've been?

Colin : Once... In monopoly.

*On phone*

Olga : Hello?

Person : It's Colin.

Olga : What did he do this time?

Person : No, it's me, Colin.

Olga : What did you do this time?

Anne-So : How do you like your coffee?

Mattéo : As dark and bitter as my soul.

Anne-So : So as white chocolate mocha?

Maxime, flexing his arms : You see these arms?

Maxime : Wii Sports Resort.

Louana : How do I turn emotions off?

Fouzi : Okay first you go into settings--

Fouzi : I am so dumb, I thought you said emojis.

Louana : No, wait, I still want to try this, what's the next step?

Fouzi : Close your eyes bro.

Maxime : Alright, bro.

Fouzi : What do you see, bro?

Maxime : Nothing, bro.

Fouzi : That's my life without you, bro.

Maxime, holding back tears : B r o.

Chapter 36

Chapter Text

Koh-Lanta's team about Pauline/Ambre : Hey guys. I just discovered a new drug. It's called ''Your relationship'', and I'm high on it.

François : *Picks up Louana*

Louana : Do I even weight anything to you?

François : No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

Maxime : Can I just say - and this is really important so I need everyone to shut up - I love your hair.

Fouzi : Thank you. It's genetic and unattainable.

Anne-So : I only feel one emotion and it's anger.

Olga : Last night you were drunk, and you texted me a thousand heart emojis.

Anne-So: Out of anger.

Fouzi : Bro.

Maxime : What bro?

Fouzi : Tell the whole world we're bros.

Maxime, whispering : We're bros.

Fouzi : Why'd you whisper bro?

Maxime : Because you're my whole world bro.

Fouzi : B R O.

Colin : Wait, I'm having one of those things! You know, a headache with pictures?

Yannick : An idea?

Olga : So what brings you to Serbia?

Anne-So: Cruise ship!

Olga : It's a landlocked country.

Anne-So : Yeah, well, it's an amazing cruise ship.

Maxime : Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Ambre : François, we need a plan of attack!

François : I have a Plan : Attack!

Nicolas : I thought we were having a moment.

Bastien : I was having 12% of a moment.

Chapter 37

Chapter Text

Louana : You mock my pain!

Ambre : Life *is* pain, Louana. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

*Before a 5-a-side match*

Jean-Phi : Surrender!

François : You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

Colin : We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, Schnitzels, and work. Or Schnitzels, Friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third.

Ambre : When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

Olga : That's a genius move.

Ambre : Thank you.

Olga : You're welcome, Pauline.

*After a long day of survival*

Olga : Good night, guys. Good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Nicolas : François?

François : What?

Nicolas : I hope we win.

Bastien : Sometimes he takes things entirely literal. Metaphors go right over his head.

François : Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are excellent and I would catch it.

Géraldine : Who accidentally droped their cellphone into their soup?

Fouzi : It wasn't an accident. I wanted to see if it could float.

Anne-So : Let me ask you something. I'm hot.

Olga : Is that a question?

Maxime : Louana, when I die, I don't care who else is at my funeral as long as you're there.

Louana : Of course I'll be there. The murderer always shows up to throw off the police.

Chapter 38

Notes:

alors oui, j'aurais pu publier avant, mais Roland-Garros. Novak Djokovic en fait. Je l'adore, et les tweets sur le tennis entre 22h et 2h du mat oui c'est moi. Novak et Novak JR (Holger Rune, mais c'est le fils caché de Novak, le même caractère ces cons) éliminés en deux jours, deux horaires de merde pour Amazon... En bref, le tennis me rend triste. Et flemmarde.

anyway, l'alliance Olga et JC c'est le truc le plus improbable de la saison.

Chapter Text

François : Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Maxime : Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frawned upon.

Ambre : We have fun, don't we, Pauline?

Pauline : I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Jean-Charles : Olga, I never doubted you for a moment!

Olga : Thank you Jean-Charles. You're lying, though, right?

Jean-Charles : Yes. I doubted you very strongly.

Ambre, to Bastien: Burr, let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good, except it sucks. So let ME do the plan, and that way it might be really good.

Maxime : I have an idea.

Fouzi : A good one?

Maxime : Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I recently joined the 2 step program. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is ignoring it.

Nicolas

Maxime : How's the most beautiful person in the universe doing?

Louana : I don't know, how--

Ambre, from across the room : I'm doing great, thanks.

Jean-Charles : Why are you helping me?

Olga : Because my life right now is a mess, and I compulsively take care of other people when I don't know how to take care of myself.

Géraldine : What the hell is wrong with you?

François : I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I'm better than everyone else.

Maxime : I'm like... Dropping hints that I'm single.

*Five minutes later*

Maxime, to Fouzi: I'm single.

Chapter 39

Chapter Text

Louana : Good morning.

Ambre : Good morning.

Nicolas : Good morning.

François : You all sound like robots, why don't you spice it up a bit?

Pauline : Well--

Maxime, interrupting Pauline : MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Maxime : This is my ex-boyfriend.

Fouzi : I told you to stop calling me that.

Fouzi : I'm his husband.

Colin : Petition to see the stars during the daytime, please.

Olga : Anne-So already exists.

Nicolas : Okay, Bastien. If I was the last man on Earth, would you date me then?

Bastien : If you were the last man, I wouldn't exist.

Nicolas :

Nicolas : Fuck.

Louana : Oh my god. I hate you. Leave me alone.

Maxime : I'm trying. Let go of my arm.

Turns out the world doesn't resolve around me. Shocked and upset.

 

Ambre

Fouzi : I'm always straight.

Maxime : Oh man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.

Anne-So : Aww babe you had a crush on me? That's embarrassing.

Olga : We're married.

Anne-So : Still though.

François : Aren't you gay?

Maxime : I like how you imply that I have done something heterosexual.

The reason I sin is because there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell and I sure as shit ain't climbing no stairs.

 

Ambre

Chapter 40

Notes:

objectif chapitres tous les mardis et jeudis (ça va vite être rompus me connaissant)

Chapter Text

Fouzi : Maxime and I are dating.

Everyone : *Gasps*

Fouzi : Maxime, why are YOU surprised?!

Nicolas and Bastien : *Bickering*

Nicolas : I want a divorce!

Bastien : We're not even engaged!

Nicolas : And whose fault is that?!

Jean-Phi : *Looks at François seductively*

Jean-Phi : *Lowers glasses*

Jean-Phi : Damn I can't see a thing!

Yannick : Being gay is not a choice.

Yannick, holding Colin like a trophy : But it's a game and I have won.

Fouzi : Are you pro-gay?

Maxime : Well I'm not pro-gay but I'm not amateur gay either.

Ambre : Tomorrow is garbage day.

Louana : I can't believe they have a whole day dedicated to you.

François, banging on the door : Louana, open up!

Louana : It all started when I was eleven...

François : No, I meant--

Géraldine : Let her finish.

Anne-So, about Olga : I don't have a crush on her!

Anne-So : She's just someone I stare at and I like, and when she's not there it ruins my day.

Ambre : Pauline and I don't have pet names for each other.

François : Uh huh, hey, you know what bees make, right?

Ambre : Honey?

Pauline, from the next room : Yes, dear?

François : Don't lie to my face ever again.

Fouzi : *trips and falls on top of Maxime*

Maxime : Looks like someone became the first man to land on the sun.

Chapter 41

Chapter Text

Pauline : How much impulse control have you lost without Louana around?

Ambre : Bold of you to assume I had any to begin with.

Bastien : Shrek came out 21 years ago.

Colin : I didn't know Shrek was gay too.

Denis : Alright now, everyone may I have your attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

François : Why? You're in a hurry?

Denis : No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Maxime: Want to have a baby, Fouzi? Your smile, my everything else. That baby would be unstoppable.

It's not my fault I help boys realize they're gay.

Colin

I'm not interested in being polite. Or heterosexual.

Maxime

Yannick : What did I tell you about comparing the Reds to the Devil?

Olga : That it's offensive to the Devil.

Yannick : N O

Anne-So, as a kid : I can't wait till I'm grown up so I can stay up late EVERY NIGHT.

Anne-So, as an adult, crawling to bed at 6.30pm : Oh thank god.

Colin : Have you seen Maxime? I can't find him.

Olga : I suggest checking under Fouzi.

Colin : OLGA!

I may be a disaster, but I'm a disaster with victories. Fight me.

François

Chapter 42

Notes:

je devrais dormir d'accord, mais la zzccmxtp est sortie :D
(bravo JC)

Chapter Text

Yannick: What even is your type?

Colin : I don't... I don't have a type. I... Just. Men.

Yannick, nodding : Big mood.

Mattéo : You have no idea what I'm capable of!

Stéphanie : Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake.

Nicolas : You're straight, right?

Fouzi : Oh god, no. Please tell me what I did to give you that impression so I can stop doing it forever.

Louana : I hate you with every inch of my body!

Maxime : Well, that's not a lot of inches.

Colin : A girl just asked me out.

Olga : Okay... Ooh, free dinner.

Colin : André, I don't like girls.

Olga : You like dinner.

Ambre : I don't give a damn.

François : You give so many damns they're visible from space.

Pauline : Am I the only straight one here?

Louana : I've seen the way you look at Ambre. You're not even that straight.

Maxime : What happened between me and Fouzi was a complete secret.

Maxime : So, naturally, the whole France knows about it.

Everytime I look in the mirror, God looks back.

Ambre

Maxime : I want a big, strong man.

Fouzi :

Maxime : Who's a brunette...

Fouzi :

Maxime :... With a rugged beard.

Fouzi, tearing up : If you want François so bad just say so.

Maxime : OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Series this work belongs to: