Chapter Text
“I gotta talk to you, Apollo,” said Athena, tugging on his arm. “See, I’m kind of mad at you right now.”
“Oh.” Apollo’s expression grew solemn. “Is it because I . . . er . . . thought you were a killer? Because you have every right to be mad at me for that -”
“No, no,” Athena cut him off. “That was kind of sweet, actually, in a weird way. No, I need to talk to you because what I’m upset with you about isn’t your fault at all, and I know that . . .” She trailed off. “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble finding the right words.”
“Is this about Juniper?”
Athena looked surprised. “Uh, yeah. I didn’t think you would . . .”
“I’m not that clueless, Athena.” Apollo guided his colleague to the couch in the middle of the agency, and gestured for the both of them to sit down. “I know she has a crush on me. I’m the perception guy, remember?”
Athena nodded. “I just . . . I . . . When we were little, she always said she wanted to marry me when we grew up.” She fiddled with widget. “And I know we’re all grown up now, and that was just when we were kids, but -” She threw her hands up in frustration. “I don’t know! I guess I always thought that we’d end up together for some reason. But now she likes you . . .”
“She still cares very deeply for you,” said Apollo. “You’ll always have her as a friend.”
“I know,” said Athena, “But I want to be more than that! I mean, not more . . . but different.” She sighed. “When I was defending her in the Themis case, I was hoping . . . I was hoping that when it was all over, I’d ask her out. On the mood matrix, it almost seemed like she still had feelings for me. Guess I was wrong about that.” She flopped over on her side of the couch. “This just sucks so much,” she groaned.
How do I handle this? Apollo thought. Usually the options for comforting someone were to assure them that they were wrong about whatever they were worried about, or to share a similar anecdote. And it certainly seemed as if Juniper had a crush on him. Anecdote it was.
“I . . . know how you feel.” Apollo looked around to make sure the Wrights weren’t around. “There’s this guy that I sort of like - even though he’s a lot - and he’s always flirting with other people.” He sunk into the couch with Athena. “It makes me wish I didn’t feel that way about him, but I can’t really do anything about it. It’s tough.”
“Are you talking about Prosecutor Gavin?” Athena mumbled through a pillow. “He asks you out to dinner literally every time he sees you. We are not in the same boat.”
“Wh- how did you -” Apollo tried to compose himself. “He’s only joking when he asks me out, Athena! He’s way out of my league!”
Athena sat up. “Oh my god. Does your bracelet pinch you or whatever when he asks you out?”
“N - No . . .” Apollo furrowed his brow. “You’re distracting me! That’s not what we’re talking about right now!” He rested a hand supportively on his colleague’s back. “I don’t know if I should tell you this . . .”
“Tell me!” Athena grabbed his hand. “If you love me at all you have to tell me, Apollo!” She whined.
“Okay, fine! Just don’t get mad at me if you get your hopes up for nothing.” He took a deep breath to build suspense. “I don’t think Juniper actually has a crush on me.”
“You . . . don’t?” Athena looked puzzled. “But she’s always talking about how great you are, and knitting scarves with hearts on them whenever you come up . . .”
“I think that she thinks she has a crush on me,” said Apollo. “But whenever she compliments me, my bracelet tightens. I thought maybe it was because she was nervous, but lately I’ve been reading up on lesbian terminology -”
“Because of me?” Athena sprung a hug onto him. “Apollo, you’re so sweet!”
“Not just you! Also Ema!” Apollo wheezed through the hug. “But yes, thanks. I think she might be experiencing ‘compulsory heterosexuality,’” he said as Athena released him. “She might be projecting a crush onto me because I’m safe.”
“What do you mean, ‘safe?’” Athena asked, skeptical.
“Well you know me! I would never date an 18 year old!” Apollo exclaimed. “And maybe she can sense that, too. So she knows I’ll never act on her perceived feelings. And this way she doesn’t have to confront the way she really feels.”
“But we don’t know if her actual crush is on me . . .” sighed Athena. “Or if she even likes girls! And this is all conjecture, anyway,” she added.
“When she talks about her crush on me, how does she describe me?” asked Apollo. He hoped he was right about this. If not, Athena would be heartbroken.
“Uh, she always says you have such deep and beautiful eyes, and you’re always there for her, and she loves the way you’ve always protected her. Shit like that.”
Apollo perked up. “A-ha! All that applies to you, Athena! You’ve been protecting her way longer than I’ve been around!”
Athena smiled cautiously. “Yeah, but . . . I dunno. It’s not really proof of anything.” She stood up. “Thanks for trying to make me feel better, Apollo. You’re a good friend.” She headed towards the door. “I’ve got a case I need to investigate, though.”
“You don’t want me to come?” Apollo chewed on his lower lip. Athena always wanted to investigate crime scenes together.
“Not right now, sorry.” She turned around. “I just need some time alone. Is that cool?”
“Of course,” said Apollo.
As soon as the door shut, Apollo heard a long squeak, followed by a thud. He spun around. Trucy was climbing out of the stand-up piano against the wall.
“Wh- How was there room in there for you to hide?” Apollo spluttered.
“I took out all the strings, silly!” said Trucy. “It’s not like Daddy was using it. And before you ask, yes, I did hear your conversation with Athena.”
“You can’t just spy on people like that!” said Apollo, balling his hands up into fists.
Trucy sagged. “I know it was wrong, but I was already in there when you two started talking, and I didn’t want to interrupt. And anyway,” she said, tapping Apollo’s nose with her magic wand, “I have a plan that will make up for it!”
“Your last ‘plan’ had me washing olive oil out of my clothes for weeks,” said Apollo. “I’m not interested.”
“Okay,” said Trucy, “But it’s a plan to help Athena find romance. So if you don’t want to help execute it, you’re basically saying you don’t want her to be happy.”
“No one needs romance to be happy,” said Apollo, sitting down at his desk. “If you care so much, why don’t you do your plan yourself?”
Trucy sighed. “I would if I could, Polly! But your involvement is a vital part!”
Apollo paused his paperwork. “Fine. I’ll let you explain it to me. But that’s it!”
“Alright,” said Trucy, grinning. “First, we need to get Prosecutor Gavin on board.”
***
“I have a proposition,” said Apollo, crossing his arms.
“Oh?” Klavier got up from his desk. “Do tell.”
Apollo took a deep breath. He had biked to the prosecutor’s office as soon as his work day had finished. This was all Trucy’s idea, he thought. And it’s not like I would do this if it wasn’t for Athena’s sake.
“We need to pretend to date.”
Klavier’s eyes widened. He let out a surprised laugh. “And why is that . . . ?”
“L- Let me back up,” Apollo stuttered, scratching his neck self-consciously. Klavier nodded. “Athena really likes her friend Juniper -”
“The one who’s infatuated with you?” said Klavier, cutting him off.
“Yeah - that’s how you remember her?” Apollo pursed his lips. “You sang with her at a show. I assumed . . .”
“Please continue with your explanation, Herr Forehead,” Klavier said quickly.
Apollo paused. “Right. So Athena likes Juniper, and Juniper likes me, and it’s making Athena feel really bad.” God, I sound like a high schooler, he thought. “So if I’m off the market . . .”
“You think Fraulein Juniper will get over you,” Klavier finished. “And perhaps develop feelings for Athena?”
“Yeah,” said Apollo. “Though I can’t really bet on the second part happening, even though I do have a theory. At the very least, it will make my relationship with Athena less awkward.”
“Oh? She resents you?” Klavier leaned against his desk.
“A little,” sighed Apollo. “She’s been very up-front about her feelings, though. I know this must be hard for her.”
“Alright.” Klavier tapped his finger thoughtfully to his chin. “But why choose me for the fake dating scheme?”
“B- Because you probably have experience with acting,” said Apollo, hoping his face wasn’t too red, “Being famous and all. And because I don’t know a lot of people who would say yes to this. This was all Trucy’s idea!” he added quickly.
“So you’ve asked other people?” Klavier seemed mildly apprehensive.
“No . . .” said Apollo. “You’re the first person I asked . . .”
Klavier grinned. “Alright, schatzi . Is there more to this plan I should know about?”
“Uh . . . I thought maybe we could talk to Prosecutor Blackquill while we’re here,” said Apollo. “He knows Athena pretty well. Maybe he’ll have some ideas?”
“Herr Blackquill!” Klavier explained. “Ja, that’s a good idea. The two of us are good friends.”
***
Prosecutor Blackquill and Klavier were not, it seemed, good friends.
“Mm. Hello, german. Justice-dono.” Blackquill glanced up to acknowledge their entrance, then returned to his work. “Skipping work to bother me?”
Apollo nervously eyed Taka, who was sitting on a bird stand near the window. “Uh, no. Well, yeah, I guess . . .” He cleared his throat. “We want to talk to you about Athena.”
Blackquill raised an eyebrow. He turned to Klavier. “You know Athena?”
“I’ve met Fraulein Cykes once or twice,” said Klavier. “She has lots of spunk. I like that in a girl.”
“ . . . Right,” Apollo continued, trying not to think too hard about what Klavier might have meant by that, “Anyway, we’re trying to help her, ah . . .”
“Court a beau?” Klavier offered.
“Yeah, and we were hoping that you might have some advice. On how to help. With our plan . . .” Apollo trailed off as he realized how painful it was going to be to explain Trucy’s fake dating scheme to Prosecutor Blackquill, ex-convict. He decided to back up. “I know I shouldn’t be so protective, and maybe it’s because I haven’t had a lot of friends throughout my life but . . I, er - I sometimes feel like I’m her older brother,” Apollo admitted, hoping his honesty would help him find common ground.
Blackquill scoffed. “I’ve felt like her older brother for much longer than you have.”
It’s not like it’s a competition, Apollo thought.
“I . . . do not know her very well,” Klavier chimed in. “But if our plan were to be executed, perhaps I could be her brother in law .”
Blackquill raised his eyebrows. “Congratulations. I guess Skye-dono was right about you two. But you have yet to explain what that has to do with -”
Apollo groaned and explained the plan as quickly as he could, only to be met with a look of disdain from Blackquill. He got ready to explain himself again.
“I just . . . care a lot about her,” said Apollo. “She’s hurting right now, and I want to do everything I can to help her.”
“Herr Blackquill, it would be most beneficial to us if you were to keep this information on the down low,” said Klavier, who was draped over Prosecutor Blackquill’s antique japanese couch and had his feet propped up dangerously close to their tea.
“Get your feet off of my coffee table,” said Blackquill.
Klavier frowned, but complied.
“I knew Juniper,” said Blackquill. “She was a good kid. She had quite the crush on Athena when they were little.”
“So you think she did too!” Apollo grinned. “Then she’s gay! She can’t like me!”
“Hm.” Klavier raised his hand. “As great as that would be for the Fraulein, bisexuals do, indeed, exist,” he said, gesturing to himself.
“Oh. Right. Sorry . . .” Apollo mentally kicked himself. Way to offend your fake boyfriend.
“All is forgiven, my dear Forehead,” said Klavier. “But back to the issue at hand. How can we get Fraulein Juniper to realize she returns Fraulein Athena’s feelings?”
“If she doesn’t like her, she doesn’t like her,” Blackquill said britishly. “It won’t help matters to get Athena’s hopes up just for her to get hurt.” He turned to Klavier. “Are you close with Athena? Why are you playing such a large role in this scheme?”
“I am simply an agent of love, Herr Blackquill,” said Klavier. “Who knows? This experience might inspire me to write a song about the love between a psychologist defense attorney and a gardener training to be a judge.”
Apollo’s bracelet was pinching like hell, but he couldn’t think of any other reason Klavier might help him. He might just be tensing up because Prosecutor Blackquill is so intimidating, he thought. That must be it.
“We think she really might have feelings for Athena,” said Apollo, addressing Blackquill’s earlier statement. He explained his compulsory heterosexuality theory.
“That would make sense,” Blackquill admitted. “However, I think it would be foolish to try out this tactic. People’s feelings are going to get hurt. And Athena doesn’t like people doing things behind her back.”
“That’s not true!” said Apollo. “She liked the surprise party we threw for her on her anniversary of joining our agency!”
Blackquill stared skeptically at Apollo. “I think it’s clear how this is a different situation. Now please get out of my office.”
***
On the way back to Klavier’s office, Apollo attempted to verbalize his thoughts on their conversation with Blackquill.
“Maybe he’s right, you know?” he said, wringing his hands. “I- I mean, it’s crazy. And what would pretending to be a couple even entail?”
“Well. For one, terms of endearment, schatzi ,” said Klavier.
“Huh? I didn’t know that word was -” Apollo stopped talking in surprise when Klavier grabbed his shaking hands.
“And we’d have to hold hands, of course,” said Klavier, stroking Apollo’s knuckle with his thumb.
“Of- of course,” stuttered Apollo, trying desperately to sound casual. He stared at their intertwined hands. “W- would we have to kiss?”
“No. Not if you didn’t want to.” Klavier dropped Apollo’s hand. “You came to me with this idea, I have no investment in whether or not we do it at all.”
“Right . . .” In the very back of his mind, Apollo thought about what kissing Klavier would be like. It sounded nice. His skin looked smooth, and he always smelled like perfume. “Well . . . Trucy would be disappointed if we didn’t at least give her plan a shot.”
Klavier smiled. “You’re right about that,” he chuckled. “Well. Let me know when you need my assistance.”