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𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐊𝐎𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄 and is greeted with silence, kamisato ayaka attributes thoma's cold shoulder to the childish fight they had just after the traveler's departure from the teahouse the night before. she isn't surprised by thoma's childishness ── professionalism is abolished behind the closed doors of the teahouse, they can afford to be thoma and ayaka away from prying eyes ── rather than miss kamisato and her most loyal attendant.
rather than frustrated with thoma, she's filled to the brim with annoyance for herself. irate that she hadn't managed to keep her temper under control the night before and had driven out someone with infinite patience, furious that she'd snapped at the only person who was there at her lowest, at her highest and always there to mend the pieces of her fractured façade behind closed doors.
as she pokes her head down the winding corridors of the teahouse and checked every room ten times over, a sinking feeling began welling in her throat as she finds the lump that grows within her was becoming increasingly harder to swallow. surely, he wouldn't quit over such a silly argument, right? she tries to convince herself that he's merely running late ── maybe he got caught up feeding the animals on his way in, maybe he stepped in like the justice-seeking citizen he is to stop a scuffle between citizens and the tenryou commission ── whatever it is, he isn't absent because he's upset with her.
though he has every right to be upset with her, she realizes defeatedly as she sits down on taroumaru's stool, taroumaru perched on her lap as he rests his head on her lap, tongue lapping at her wrist as if he can sense her discomfort and anxiety, doing his best to wordlessly comfort her. the lapping at her wrist reminds her painfully of thoma kissing her inner wrist the day before ── right before they'd met the traveler and she'd been beside herself with worry that her plan would fail and as always, he was right there to assure her of her caliber ── as she feels a sharp pang pierce through her fragmented heart.
"he's okay...right?" ayaka asks taroumaru helplessly as she runs her fingers through taroumaru's comforting brown fur, the poor dog only able to lick the distressed noblewoman's hand as she sighs heavily, placing her hands on the teahouse's front counter as she buries her face in her hands, quickly drying straying tears on her kimono's sleeves. "oh, taroumaru...maybe if i hadn't blown up at him like that...this wouldn't have happened."
"ayaka?" the sound of the teahouse door flying open snaps her out of her wallowing as she lifts her head abruptly to find a visibly winded paimon and an anxiety-filled traveler facing her, eyes roaming around the whole room as ayaka stands uncertainly, placing taroumaru gently back in his stool as she catches the traveler's gaze to find their expression mirrors her own ── worry, anxiety and fear stare back at her and her heart only sinks further. "is thoma here?"
"n-no," ayaka admits regretfully, "w-why?"
"then the rumours are true," paimon cries in despair as the traveler shushes their companion, crossing their arms in dismay.
"w-what rumours?" ayaka can barely bring herself to ask.
"you haven't heard?" paimon is practically screeching as ayaka remains as reserved as she can, lips pursed together thinly as she shakes her head stiffly, "the raiden shogun's ceremony...a vision hunt ceremony...everyone is saying that thoma is the person of honour. h-he is the vision hunt decree's hundredth victim."
in that moment, it's as if the world around ayaka caves in ── maybe it has, it doesn't matter to her because her axis mundi, the person her world revolves around, is in grave danger. she feels her heart crush itself with grief, how her already pained heart can still find it in itself to wither further and shatter itself into a million more pieces. the fear that's been eating at her ever since their fight finally overwhelms her and a broken sob slips past the people's self-proclaimed princess' lips before she can stop herself.
"ayaka..." the traveler begins to speak but the traveler's gentle words of comfort are drowned out ── all ayaka can hear is the sound of her heart's broken pieces pounding in her chest, the sound of her chest heaving so rapidly, the sound of taroumaru's anguished barking. it has barely hit her that thoma could d─ no, she can't say that. he can't, he won't, he can't leave her like that.
he promised, ayaka thinks brokenly, he promised he wouldn't leave me.
but she made promises too ── promises like i won't hurt you, i will never treat you as anything less than an equal ── and she too broke those promises like they'd meant nothing at all.
"this cannot happen! i must go and rescue him!" ayaka cries out before she can stop herself and she is in the midst of drawing her katana when the traveler's firm grip on her wrist snaps her out of her trance.
"do not be rash," the traveler warns sternly, lips pursed together in anguish, visible anxiety overwriting all over the traveler's typically blank expression, "you are the shirasagi himegimi. should you pull a stunt like this──"
"you're declaring you and the whole of the yashiro commission as enemies of the shogun," paimon finishes worriedly as the floating being eyes ayaka nervously, "surely you must think twice before you do something so consequential."
she remembers then, what thoma had been trying to tell her the night before. how she would never be in a position to refute the vision hunt decree despite the hatred she harboured towards the shogun's latest decree, how she would involve innocent people if she showed a hint of her true feelings towards the shogun and her puppeteering. he's right, she realizes miserably, as he always is.
"b-but...there's no other option," ayaka whispers defeatedly and the traveler and paimon witness firsthand what the shirasagi himegimi's perfect facade hides ── a girl with emotions just like any other human being, a girl wrecked with guilt and anxiety thinking that her closest confidant is hanging onto life as they speak. "i must act with haste," ayaka states firmly, the hand on the hilt of her katana tightening its grip, "the ceremony is about to begin. i will not abandon thoma like this."
the weight laden behind her heavy words is ignored momentarily as ayaka's distress is written all over her face ── the traveler and paimon can both see so clearly how ayaka is on the verge of collapse and immediately, a wave of sympathy washes over the pair as the traveler places a comforting hand on ayaka's trembling shoulder. though never explicitly said aloud, the traveler could tell that ayaka and thoma were bound by something stronger than a noblewoman-attendant relationship ── whether it be from the way thoma had so proudly brandished ayaka's fan when facing confrontation and admitted she insisted he kept it with him for safekeeping, or from the way ayaka's eyes wandered over so lovingly to thoma during the hotpot game and how her eyes clouded over with worry when he nearly passed out.
"i will save him," the traveler replies calmly.
"i cannot ask that of you," ayaka refutes in frustration.
"you aren't asking, i am volunteering," the traveler argues just as earnestly, "thoma is my friend too."
"thoma isn't just my friend," ayaka fires back before she can catch herself and her hand claps over her mouth when she catches herself. the traveler's hand pats her shoulder reassuringly as ayaka's body convulses with sobs once more ── even as her brother's advice to never cry over spilled milk echoes through her mind, all she can do is weep. "he...is so much more than just an attendant to me, than just a friend. i can't...i won't lose him."
"and you won't," the traveler insists as paimon nods determinedly.
"our friend's life is on the line, we aren't about to mess this up," paimon adds.
"a-alright," ayaka relents defeatedly as her shoulders slump. yet again, she cannot rush to his aid ── and the knowledge that he would've taken her place in a heartbeat had it been her kneeling before the raiden shogun eats away at her even more. "i...i await your return, traveler. please be careful."
please, bring thoma home to me.
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their fight haunts ayaka as she paces back and forth along the front of the teahouse. even taroumaru, who initially followed her with his eyes has long since slumped down on the tabletop, eyes barely open as he sleepily glances over at the kamisato lady occasionally to find that ayaka hasn't calmed down at all.
her hands clap over her ears, a desperate attempt (in vain) to drown out thoma's voice taunting her in her head. their fight plays in her mind as she tries her best not to wallow in self-pity and blame but she can't help herself. thoma should be right here now, thoma belongs right here beside her as he always has been.
"do you think the traveler will change the lightning?" thoma asks patiently as he clears the hot pot and the used plates, ayaka kneeling down on one of the bamboo cushions in the room as she drags her fingers along the ridges of her ornate fan, silently praying to her mother's spirit to guide her along this arduous path. "ayaka?"
he calls her name so tenderly ── in a way he only dared to because they were behind closed doors. in the shadows of the quiet teahouse in the middle of the silent night, they didn't have to maintain their façade of a kamisato heiress and her lowly attendant. in the privacy of the teahouse, they could afford such a priceless luxury of being thoma and ayaka, of being irrevocably in love with each other and not having to count the seconds their eyes linger on the other.
he watches her worriedly, for he knows what she says aloud is only a small fraction of what runs through the young kamisato heiress' mind on the daily. what he wouldn't give to take even just the slightest load of her overburdened shoulders, what he wouldn't give to hold her hand in public when the crowds get too much, what he wouldn't give to be more than her attendant at meetings and be able to hold her close, protect her from the brutality of a world so undeserving of her.
"i'm sorry, w-were you speaking to me?" ayaka replies dazedly as thoma sets the plates on his cart before walking over to kneel down beside ayaka, brushing his hand on his pants before placing his palm to ayaka's forehead. "i'm not unwell, thoma, just...preoccupied," ayaka assures him patiently as thoma reluctantly drops his hand, a troubled expression on his face as ayaka notices his knitted brows, reaching to take his fallen hands in her own as she gives him a reassuring squeeze.
"then...a mora for your thoughts?" thoma offers with a halfhearted attempt at a smile as ayaka smiles back slightly. thoma takes the initiative to sit beside her ── though there's no cushion beside her, he sits down all the same, his clothed knee brushing against her own bare one (barely covered up by the hem of her kimono) as he places his hand on her thigh, causing her to jump slightly but one look into thoma's tender eyes and she knows he means no harm. he never does.
he recoils his hand attentively and almost immediately, ayaka is left craving his warmth. she reaches for his hand again and he gives it to her without an argument, allowing her to place their interlocked hands on her lap as he leans forward to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. one look into her eyes says everything he cannot bear to say ── i love you, you can tell me whatever's on your mind and i'll do whatever i can to chase it away.
"i was just wondering if it's too much to entrust all our faith in a traveler we've just met," ayaka admits sheepishly as thoma nods thoughtfully, "i know their reputation precedes them, evident from the tall tales of their adventures in mondstat and liyue thus far ── if the rumours hold true ── but they're outlanders after all, this isn't their battle to fight. it is ours."
"the traveler has seen firsthand what the vision hunt decree is doing to the citizens of inazuma, thanks to your intelligent planning and top-tier negotiation," thoma offers kindly, buttering her up as ayaka rolls her eyes pointedly ── but the flush decortaing her cheeks says the compliment clearly went to her head. "don't doubt yourself, milady, you know well enough to trust your instincts ── place your trust in the traveler now."
"but...you know this is a tall order, i can't help but feel guilty," ayaka confesses quietly as thoma knits his brows together thoughtfully, "asking someone, who isn't from this land and is merely passing through to find their sibling, to fight a war that isn't theirs to fight isn't something i'm very comfortable with..."
"but you know this is our best plan of action, right?" thoma reasons as gently as he can. he says 'ours' with such conviction ── why shouldn't he? every battle she faces, he takes it to be his too. for ever since he was appointed her closest attendant, he walks alongside her down every lonely road and draws his polearm as readily as she draws her sword when faced with confrontation. "what are you really trying to say, ayaka?"
"i just wonder...if i can do more. i don't think this is really my most effective plan," ayaka confesses, her thoughts tumbling past her pursed lips before she can catch herself as she turns to meet thoma's eyes to find his piercing green eyes gazing at her worriedly. thoma's shoulders slump and she catches this out of the corner of her eyes but brushes it off ── he never liked it when she degraded herself or her own plans anyway.
in hindsight, she realizes, he wasn't just upset about that. my, my, my, the selfish pronoun haunted her and she wanted nothing more than to rephrase that. this is why she held her tongue ── for she was never eloquent with her words the way her mother was. a million thoughts run through her mind every second of every day but she can only articulate a select few that are worded elegantly enough to be spoken aloud by the shirasagi himegimi.
"ayaka..."
"i m-mean...as the shirasagi himegimi, i'm in a significantly better position to refute this nonsensical decree than the average citizen," ayaka backpedals slightly and the mention of her title alone is enough to make thoma stiffen up. his eyes cloud over with an emotion unfamiliar to ayaka ── even more foreign amidst thoma's gentle green irses ── and when she meet his gaze, it's colder than the vision she wears on her back.
"ayaka," thoma's tone is stern but laced with genuine concern, "you being the shirasagi himegimi is precisely why you are in no place to stand in. think about it this way: the whole yashiro commission will fall under the category of enemy should you cross the shogun. that is your brother, all your loyal employees ── crucified without reason."
"i can't just stand idly by when the country that relies on me ── my country ── is going down in flames around me!" ayaka cries out. she lets go of his hand and it falls limply to his side ── much like the rest of thoma's body, that seems to have lost its entire skeletal system as he sits there motionlessly, looking like he's about to keel over at any given moment. ayaka's hands fly in the air out of frustration and the fan that rested on her lap is knocked out effectively, the pristine ornate fan taken from her mother's collection skids across the tatami mat swiftly but she is too worked up to pay it much attention.
"i'm not asking you to stand by," thoma replies sternly. he keeps his voice as steady as he can but the way his voice wavers tells her that he too, is close to teetering over the same edge she just hurled herself off so carelessly, "i know you feel as though this vision hunt decree is your battle to fight...but how many times must i tell you that you do not have to fight alone? you have ayato, the whole of the yashiro commission, the general inazuman public to stand by you...and even when all else fails, you will always have me."
on a typical day, this would've resolved any silly bicker that erupts between the pair ── trust thoma and his way with words to keep ayaka's heart captive. but this is no typical day ── hearing the stoic traveler recount the horrors of the vision hunt's victims they have seen and declaring their allegiance serves as a stark reminder that even an outlander, who has no reason to meddle in inazuma's affairs, is doing more than the princess of the people. guilt that has eaten away at ayaka ever since her brother stepped up to be the head of the yashiro commission and took on burdens far beyond ayaka's understanding has finally made a breakthrough ── it floods past ayaka's concrete floodgates and she cannot hold it back.
"you?" ayaka says it so scornfully, she too winces at the mere recollection of her icy tone. thoma's face crumples immediately when she speaks and ayaka is seconds away from backtracking but she stops herself ── she needs to say her piece, she needs to get the last word. "as if the people of inazuma would listen to you," ayaka retorts flatly and thoma looks like he's just been struck across the face. she might as well have ── for he clutches at his heart like she's caused him physical pain. "the amount of flack i've gotten for merely taking you in ─"
"do you think i don't know?" thoma fires back. he is standing now, so livid his body is shaking and ayaka stands right up in front of him to stare him down so coldly thoma wonders where his princess has gone. "i know that i will never be worthy of you, of the average person's lowly gaze. i know the inazuman public will always see me as a miserable foreigner who w-weaseled his way into inazuma and now leeches off your family. but you promised."
his voice is shaking just as much as his body is, he clutches onto the pyro vision hanging from his belt so tightly as if he's contemplating using his vision against her. his lips quiver and he lets go of the vision so she can clearly see him tremble with each broken breath he takes. she forces herself to stare back at him and thoma's disheartened green eyes meet hers for a second before he looks down, crestfallen.
"you promised you would never think of me the way they do," he whispers brokenly.
"all i'm saying is...this is an inazuman affair," ayaka explains as calmly as she can ── though she can't hide the way her voice trembles as well. "this is a matter for me, an inazuma noble to handle, not some outlander."
"i'm an outlander too, aren't i?" thoma's miserable attempt at his usual hearty chuckle falls flat as the cruel nature of ayaka's words fail to strike her. "so...this isn't my problem either? then why discuss this with me when i will always be less than you are? because i'm half mondstat...and i grew up there. because i'm not a kamisato and i never will be able to stand beside you. because my last name holds nowhere near the prestige of yours so i don't even bother saying it. because i'm always going to be thoma, the attendant of the kamisato clan. so my words won't mean anything?"
"thoma..." it hits her then when thoma asks his last question so softly, it's as though he doesn't think there's a point to saying it any louder because it doesn't require an answer. it hits her when she steps towards him to beg for his forgiveness and rather than take her smaller hands in his larger ones, he takes three steps back for every step forward of hers. it hits her when he gazes at her feet rather than her eyes, when he stands there, taller than her as always but he's never felt smaller.
"don't," he replies defeatedly and ayaka's hands fall to her side as thoma continues to step away from her. she hears her heart break and wonders how she blocked out the sound of his shattering ── she can't say he isn't heartbroken because the fact that he can't even meet her eyes, won't let her touch him speaks volumes. her hands tremble by her side in tune with his trembling shoulders and she cannot do anything except looking forlornly in his direction.
the world falls silent and she can't even hear the sound of thoma's boots against the tatami mat as he leaves the room over the sound of the apologies that hang off her lips. 'don't go,' she wants so badly to say, 'just don't go. it's all me...but i don't wanna do this with you. i don't wanna lose this with you.' but it's unbecoming of a lady to beg ── so she stays mum and stares at her crossed feet as thoma leaves.
leaves when he always promises to stay. leaves when he isn't supposed to go.
it is only when taroumaru comes into the deadly silent room and laps at ayaka's ankle bone above her socks that ayaka snaps back into her sense. it's unbecoming for a lady to dwell on her emotions, she remembers and immediately, she pushes her grief down and bottles it up. it's unbecoming of her to chase after a man when he should be waiting on her, she remembers, so she stays put.
she walks over to her mother's discarded fan that she'd so carelessly flung moments before when a soft bark from taroumaru attracts her attention. with the fan in her trembling left hand, she reaches her right hand out to stroke taroumaru's fur. surely, the canine so fond of thoma's presence must be nearly as distraught as she is over his abrupt departure. it is the least she can do to console him.
only when she looks down to meet his daunting gaze does she realize the dog isn't beckoning for her attention for no reason. her eyes fall down to the fan that rests on the table and she swears, if it isn't already broken, that her heart stops right then and shatters itself into a million more pieces.
thoma's fan. the one she gifted to him as a card to pull when he found himself in sticky situations she wasn't there to wriggle him out of. the one she saw him holding close to his chest when he fell asleep in the estate garden after a long day's work. the same one that he tells her reminds him of her when they have to spend weeks without holding each other.
she can't even process this as taroumaru nudges the fan with his paw and into ayaka's subconsciously awaiting palm, it falls.
archons, above why did she have to break what she loves so much?
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when the door opens to komore teahouse, taroumaru leaps out of ayaka's lap and she earnestly stands up, eyes blurry from the tears she's been crying for the past hour or so as she rubs her eyes to find the foggy figure of her dearest thoma clearing up as he stumbles towards her, using his polearm as a crutch. instantly, taroumaru leaps off the counter so skillfully and nearly tackles thoma to the ground as thoma drops the polearm to catch the excited canine, the clatter of the polearm ringing in ayaka's ears as she watches him stumble into the door as taroumaru laps excitedly at his flushed cheeks.
"hey, buddy," thoma greets weakly as he holds the dog close to his chest, "yeah...yeah, i'm back."
"thoma." her voice is an airy whisper that still somehow carries to his ears ── maybe he's just that attuned to listening for her voice ── and his haunting green eyes leave taroumaru to meet ayaka's guilty irises. a beat too many of silence drowns out all the world ayaka was drafting in her mind as the waiting killed her inside, she can only watch helplessly as thoma lumbers over to the counter to set taroumaru down.
it is when his arms are empty that something inside ayaka's head snaps and she throws her arms around him in a desperate hug that she can only hope conveys all her emotions ── regret, guilt, remorse but relief above all else. the sheer force of ayaka's uncharacteristically enthusiastic hug sends thoma staggering backwards into the counter, a small grimace leaving his lips when his back hits the counter but his pain is forgotten when ayaka begins to weep into his chest.
the shirasagi himegimi is known for being perfect ── even as her closest attendant (for lack of a better term to encapsulate their relationship and its complex entailments), thoma is rarely ever privy to this side of her. he sees the real her whenever they are behind closed doors ── the ayaka who despises memorizing lines of poetry and often has thoma parrot the lines back to her so she can engrave them in her mind, the ayaka who showed him her most precious moriwakamaru and taught him how to play temari on a sleepless night ── but rarely does the inazuman princess cry.
"milady..." thoma begins to speak but his voice is drowned out when ayaka continues to cry. he's never seen her so deep in despair, all he can do is rub her back as her arms sling tightly around his neck, her face buried in his heaving chest. he keeps one hand on the small of her back, the other encircling her waist as the smaller girl clings to him like he's her lifeline.
"it's just us," ayaka rushes to reassure him, pulling away slightly as her quivering hand leaves his neck to caress his cheek so tenderly that thoma instinctively pulls her closer to him. his eyes are then met with ayaka's glassy eyes and cheeks and he can see so clearly the anguish that tattoos her porcelain skin and it breaks him beyond explanation. "we're alone," she breathes out heavily as she speaks and thoma nods, knowing that she wants him to drop the formalities, to drop the strings attached with their social statuses and hold her the way she wants to be held.
so he does. he clings onto her as tightly as she clings to him, her body practically melts into his and he has no qualms about holding her the way he yearns to. even taroumaru falls silent as ayaka's sobs are the only sounds echoing off the walls of the teahouse. thoma can only rub her back as he rests his chin on her trembling shoulder, breathing heavily as she rests in his arm, her body so limp he can feel how battered and broken ayaka is.
that's what his absence did to her, it hits him as ayaka reaches to stroke his cheek once more as if she can't believe he's holding her.
"i'm here," thoma whispers and it is the first time he's spoken directly to her since he burst through the teahouse doors and ayaka's faith in the fates is restored. the hand that rubs her back wanders to her snow blue hair, the fingertips that remain exposed through his gloves tickling her scalp as he threads his gloved hands through her hair. the love radiating from his gaze makes ayaka wonder if one of the effects of the shogun nearly taking his vision is short term memory loss ── for he appears to have no recollection of their fight.
either that or he's already forgiven her ── and that only makes her cry harder.
"ayaka," thoma implores desperately as the tears that have been pooling in his eyes since he laid eyes on the distressed girl awaiting his return begin to spill out as his hands reach to cup ayaka's damp cheeks as he pulls her away from his chest so he can just meet her eyes ── archons above, he just needs to look into her eyes so his eyes can tell her all that he can't. i love you, i'm here, i'm real, you haven't lost me and i'm not planning on losing you. "please...what's wrong?"
"i'm so sorry" is all ayaka can bring herself to say before another suppressed sob slips past her lips and thoma, so attentive as always, engulfs her in an embrace tighter than before as his strong shoulders serve as her personal handkerchief. she weeps and each cry she lets out is louder, rawer and harder than the last one. "i t-thought you left," she weeps and her tears stain his dusty shirt but he holds her close nonetheless, "w-when i saw your fan after the fight we had..."
"i'm sorry if i scared you," thoma replies gently and he kisses the top of her head for good measure but she can only continue crying, "i didn't mean to break you like this, my love."
"n-no," she refuses firmly, "you don't have to be sorry when i'm the one who's sorry. thoma, i said such nasty, u-untrue things about you and you took it. you d-didn't even fight back because that's just how good you are. that's how amazing you are...s-so shame on the rest of inazuma if they can't recognize what a good heart you have. i-i'm so sorry i made you feel like you were less of a person when the truth is...you will always be more than i can ever dream of.
"milady..."
"n-no, i was in the wrong," ayaka murmurs into his shoulder and thoma nods slowly. they both know she crossed a line last night but he's too kind with her to say that ── so she takes the first step to take the rightful blame for their fight the night before. "i know n-now you didn't mean that you didn't think i could do it," ayaka whispers hoarsely as thoma nods slowly in response, chin resting on her shoulder, "you were the first person to ever believe in me, how could i accuse you of otherwise? blaming you for something you didn't do? twisting your words s-so carelessly and then driving you out? m-maybe if you'd stayed the night with me in the e-estate like we planned, they w-wouldn't have──"
"ayaka," thoma interrupts gently ── even with his interruptions, he's so tender with her ── as he holds her face gently in his loving hands, "don't blame yourself for what happened."
"b-but..."
"you and i both knew that with the vision hunt decree's proficiency, i was bound to end up on their radar at some point," thoma reminds her, his words worded as gently as he can manage to, "i'm not immune to the decree's effect the way someone influential like you or ayato is, nor am i cunning like the likes of yoimiya to slip through the cracks and throw the tenryou commission of my tracks. you and i both know...we stand on different ground...for much as we pretend social hierarchy has no effect in our society, it does. you're a kamisato...whereas i'm a kamisato attendant, those are two vastly different titles."
"you know you're not just an attendant," ayaka refutes sharply. archons, she hates when he demeans himself like that. sure, it reigns true but that doesn't mean she enjoys it being thrown in her face. she gets enough slack from the inazuman public ── who question her choices enough when she took him in and they ridiculed her for extending her hand to a mere commoner. archons above, what nasty words would they hurl at her if they knew a noblewoman like herself had fallen heads over heels for a mere commoner?
but he was so much more than just a commoner ── he was thoma. her thoma.
"i am to the public," thoma argues coldly and ayaka clenches her fists so tightly at that she can feel the crescent-shaped imprints her nails would leave when she could finally bring herself to unclench them. the rest of his sentence remains unsaid but looking at his crestfallen expression and she knows the wounds her words left the night before are still bleeding. you said so yourself ── it hangs over both their heads but neither of them chooses to acknowledge it.
"but you're not to me!" ayaka fires back through the tears she swore moments before that she wouldn't let trickle down her cheeks, "i-i was so wrong for saying that when the truth is...you will always be so much more than an outlander, than a commoner. you are my thoma." she says it with such conviction that he has to believe her ── even if just for a few fleeting seconds. "s-surely that counts for something?"
her hands are pounding at his chest as she cries out at him. still, thoma is backed up against the komore teahouse counter and any second, someone could walk in on them in such a precarious position and the rumours would spread like wildfire but neither of them could care about the outside world. thoma catches her clenched fists with his gentle hands and dainty as ever, he delicately massages her hands open as he gazes into her eyes so lovingly she forgets that he's the reason for her madness.
"your opinion will always count the most to me," thoma assures her, tone significantly more gentle than it was seconds prior as he touches her cheek with the back of his hand, gloved knuckles drying her once again damp cheeks as ayaka leans into his touch instinctively, craving his warmth, his touch ── something she was at her wits' ends terrified that she would lose. "but you know the public sees differently."
"i wish things were different," ayaka can only sigh wistfully as thoma nods slowly, the hand around her waist pushing against her spine gently as ayaka's body limply falls against his chest, her face buried in the crook of his neck as thoma holds the weeping kamisato girl in his ever warm and welcoming arms. "i wish you could hold me like this whenever we wanted and we didn't have to hide," ayaka confesses before she can hold back the words and thoma's lips curl upwards in a small smile that she pulls away from his chest fast enough to catch, "i wish i could tell everyone how much you mean to me. don't you wish the same?"
"i tell the world every day how much i care about you ── you're my world, ayaka. and inazuma doesn't need to know i love you the way i do for it to count. they may make it hard for us but we grow stronger when we push through adversity. you will always be of paramount importance to me," thoma promises her lovingly as he dips his head down to press a kiss to her head. watching his head lean down, ayaka immediately tiptoes so his lips meet hers rather than her head and thoma pulls back, flustered as he always is whenever ayaka initiates a kiss and ayaka can only giggle at the reddening of his cheeks.
"my romantic," ayaka can only gush as thoma scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, a sheepish smile on his face as ayaka coaxes his hand back around her waist as her own hands snake around his neck to pull him back down in a loving kiss. "when the traveler told me you were captured," ayaka speaks once more when their lips part but their foreheads stayed pressed together, "i felt my world end right then and there. you're my world too."
"i love you," thoma replies sweetly, "you're all i'll ever want."
"i would've come save you." in that moment, she knows those words are stronger than a declaration of love back. ayaka feels like she needs to tell him. as unfeasible as it would've been, she feels like he needs to know nonetheless. that she was prepared to jump out the door and draw her katana, pointing the blade directly at the shogun's throat if it meant keeping him safe. "if it wasn't for the traveler being so brave and going to save you, i─"
"i thank the archons that you didn't have to see that," thoma interrupts hurriedly as he shudders visibly at the mere recollection of the events that had unfolded at the vision hunt ceremony and ayaka can only feel her hands clam up and her body shake with another imminent sob from thoma's reaction alone. what had the universe put him through this time?
"know that i would've...though...that i would've come to your aid," ayaka feels the need to reiterate and thoma nods in acknowledgement, lips curling upwards in a loving smile as his fingers stroke her chin to guide her head towards him as their lips meet in another tender kiss that has ayaka's insides turn into slime condensate. "i love you so much," ayaka adds shakily and he nods in understanding, quivering lips braving his pain as he forms a smile for her, "and i would never leave you in the lurch. i would've come for you. i was s-so close."
"i'm grateful it didn't come to that," thoma notes softly and he falls silent. ayaka can tell he's holding something back ── from the way he swallows so painfully and his shoulders begin to quiver ── and she places her hands squarely on his shoulders, a tangible reminder that she's right there. that he can lean on her the way she so recklessly does on him. so she remains silent and her fingertips stroke against his shoulders in wordless comforting till he is ready to speak again.
"it almost killed me seeing the traveler nearly executed at the hands of the shogun," thoma admits shakily and ayaka's tender hands are there instantly when tears trickle down his cheek to brush them aside the way he always did hers. "and the traveler is a mere acquaintance at best," thoma continues to speak, his voice trembles now and seems to rise an octave every time he speaks, "but l-look at how shaken i am, i can't even be strong for you."
"you never have to be strong for me," ayaka replies steadily as she caresses his cheek so tenderly and he relishes in the feeling of the pad of her thumb against his moist cheek ── a tangible reminder that she's alive, she's real, she's with him now. "i can be your rock ── as you've always been mine," ayaka adds hopefully as thoma leans into her touch, ayaka's actions growing bolder as she touches his cheek with her whole palm now, meeting his eyes with such love that thoma's heart melts on the spot, "you can tell me whatever is preying on your mind, my love."
"i'm so...distraught over the potential hurt that could've been inflicted on someone i barely know...i can't even imagine what i would be like...i-if it was you." when she hears the palpable pain in thoma's tone, it takes all of her willpower not to collapse into a fit of her own sobs. it's so excruciating to see him so blue, so low ── all because of her. all she wants in that moment is to lift him up, to hold him close and never let him go. so she holds him tighter than she does before and he relaxes into her grip. "i-if i had to s-see you..."
he cannot go on and the way his voice shakes acts as a precursor for what's to come as thoma's shoulders convulse as his long-suppressed sob brokenly leaves his quivering lips and ayaka swears she will bring her own wrath down on the shogun if she could for shaking thoma up so badly. she wants so badly to avenge thoma and every other fallen vision owner ── but she knows she can't do that so she settles for holding onto thoma's shaking frame as she rolls down his collar to pepper gentle kisses down his collarbone and his neck.
"it wasn't me, you don't have to see that and you won't." ayaka is so unlike him ── she will make such bold-faced declarations just to comfort him and though he finds it hard to believe her, the ache in his heart lessens when he meets her eyes to see the sheer determination they radiate. "you protect me," ayaka whispers gently as thoma nods slowly when ayaka's wandering hand returns to cup his cheek as he leans closer into his touch, craving the warmth of her hand, "you protect me always...and because of that, you will never have to see that. i won't make any rash decisions...n-not again. i won't make myself a target of the shogun, not when i know what it does to someone i love."
"we can still fight the vision hunt decree, just more discreetly ── like what yoimiya does," thoma suggests as a compromise as ayaka nods slowly. if they'd only come to this compromise earlier, if she'd just listened to him, maybe─ no, she's just chastised him for letting his mind wander, she can't let her own spiral. what's done is done. what matters is that thoma is back safe and sound, snugly in her arms. where he belongs.
"whatever fight we get into, as long as we're together, my heart can rest easy," ayaka replies truthfully and thoma musters the courage to crash his lips into hers. "i was so scared i was gonna lose you," ayaka mumbles against his lips as they break apart slowly.
"you didn't," thoma replies kindly and ayaka wants so badly for him to promise that she never will. but she knows thoma well enough to know that he will never make her a promise he cannot keep ── for his stark awareness of their standings in society is why his hands never touch her unless he's confident they're alone, why he will never address her without her title unless he's coaxed by her.
he knows he can't promise her that she won't lose him. for he will, much to ayaka's chagrin, readily lay his life down for her should the time come. he knows, she knows, the position he's in makes it hard for them to ever see a true future together but it doesn't stop them from dreaming of a life together.
thoma wants kids, she asked him once if he did and he replied that in all honestly, he did. and ayaka could see why ── he'd make a great dad. he was already a good father to taroumaru, who was practically their fur child and with his wide range of homemaking skills, ayaka can only imagine how perfect of a husband and father he would be. she likes to think of things like this when she goes to sleep holding him, knowing he will rise before she does to make sure no one catches onto them. still, she can hold onto the fleeting happiness dreams as blissful as these bring her.
"i'm sorry we got into that fight," ayaka blurts out, she needs to get this off her chest and rather than be cross with her, she feels thoma's chest rumble with a hearty chuckle as he tenderly runs his fingers through her hair once more, "i'm so sorry i lost my mind on you the way i did."
"everyone fights, milady," thoma notes playfully as ayaka musters the strength to pull away from his tender embrace so her eyes can meet his and he can see her narrow her displeased eyes at him ── to which he only pulls her back into his arms, sitting up slowly so ayaka is now seated comfortably on his lap rather than sprawled out on top of him. "even we do. but we'll come back to each other, i'm sure of it."
"it was all in my head," ayaka admits bashfully as thoma shushes her gently with a hand that runs through her hair gently, "i t-twisted your words of concern into ones of malice and b-burned us down....but it's not what i meant."
"i know."
"i'm sorry that i hurt you."
"you didn't mean to."
"i never mean to hurt you but it seems it's all i do," ayaka whispers quietly, her voice so quiet thoma wouldn't be able to hear her had he not been seated right below her and his ears next to her lips, "it's just...you know i've never felt this way about anyone before you. i've never...had a confidant like i have you. even as much as i hold my brother close to my heart, we're both so drowned in work i've never had the chance to be close to him. whereas...with you..." she trails off sheepishly, unsure of how to continue.
"it takes time for people to learn to trust. you've had no one to trust in the past, i'm honoured to be bestowed the honour of being your first," thoma consoles calmly as ayaka nods headily, leaning her head against
"i've lived so long like an island...and i've resented the world for sentencing me to such a cruel fate. instead, i've directed my anger at you, my darling salvation," ayaka whimpers remorsefully as the words leave her lips and instantly, thoma kisses her bangs over her forehead in wordless comfort as ayaka snuggles deeper into his chest. "i don't want to do this to you...i-i don't wanna lose this with you."
"and you won't," thoma proclaims boldly as her lips curl upwards in a ghost of a smile.
"i thought you walked out on me, walked away when you didn't come in today," ayaka reveals sheepishly.
"do you think that lowly of me, my darling?"
"i feared the worst. i mean, i gave you more than enough reason to walk away," ayaka admits quietly and thoma kisses her head reassuringly ── just in case ayaka needs a reminder that he's real, he's here, he loves her. "thank you for staying with me, thoma," ayaka whisperes in quiet reverence as he smiles lovingly at her and ayaka just wants so badly to kiss him.
"of course, my love."
"we'll be just fine, right?"
"always," thoma replies easily, "this...what we have...will always be worth the fight."
"i will always fight for you, my love."
"no, we will fight alongside each other."
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