Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ilivedbitch has added 10+ users to Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : If I have to die again and the Hi High and Cupcakke remix isn’t playing as I do so, then I don’t want it

Ilivedbitch : If you don’t know what that is, @ OakTree will be the one explaining it

OakTree and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OakTree : I don’t want to! I already had to explain it to Gramps!

Ilivedbitch : Pay for your sins, Gary

RealMagicalGirl : Is this what it’s like having siblings???

Ilivedbitch : If Gary was my brother, one of us would’ve been long dead by now✌️

Ilivedbitch : Also, no, I don’t think so

OakTree : I have a brother and we ignore each other’s existence 

Ilivedbitch : Yeah, because Blue’s seven years older than you, you hardly know him

OakTree : Just like how you hardly know your dad

Ilivedbitch : You’re no better with your dad

AllBiMyself : I ain’t never seen two pretty best friends, only one of them is pretty 

OakTree : Yeah, and it’s me

AllBiMyself : It’s Ash

RealMagicalGirl : Damn, you just killed his ego May

Ilivedbitch : Both of you are wrong. May’s the pretty best friend

OGMagicalGirl : I thought I was the pretty best friend

Ilivedbitch : All of you but Gary are the pretty best friend

OGMagicalGirl : Ash, you’re also the pretty best friend. Gary on the other hand… he looks like something Glameow dragged in

OakTree : Y’all are brutal😩

Ilivedbitch : It’s the consequences of your actions 

OakTree : We were ten!

Ilivedbitch : Perhaps, but I don’t care

Ilivedbitch : Anyways, if anyone brings up anything I haven’t mentioned from my journeys to my parents, I will hunt you down

OakTree : Bitch, you added them!

Ilivedbitch : Oops, but both won’t see it. They’re busy right now

OakTree : This is why your dad’s always so stressed

Ilivedbitch : Ha, jokes on you, his work stresses him out a lot more than me

AllBiMyself : Imagine being your dad’s main stressor, I can’t 

OGMagicalGirl : Imagine having a dad

RealMagicalGirl : I’d say to get therapy, but I’m no better 

OakTree : All of us have daddy issues at this point, huh?

Ilivedbitch : Someone suggested I get therapy

Ilivedbitch : I would’ve told him to fuck off, but I didn’t because it was Riley and he was just worried about my emotional well-being

OGMagicalGirl : I thought I saw him at a contest two weeks ago and I said hi to him, but then he glared at me and it turned out it was his brother

Ilivedbitch : How do you mistake Roark for Riley

OGMagicalGirl : I thought they were brothers too, but they’re actually good friends and Byron’s his honorary dad. Riley does have a brother though, his name is Remy

RealMagicalGirl : Like the Rattata?

OGMagicalGirl : Yeah! He even had a Raticate named Ratatouille

Ilivedbitch : Why’d he glare at you??

OakTree : If you got mistaken for your brother, you’d be mad too

OGMagicalGirl : In my defense, from a distance they look alike

AllBiMyself : Remy????

AllBiMyself : The one with a Houndoom and Frosmoth????

OGMagicalGirl : Yeah?

AllBiMyself : Dad doesn’t like him and said he’s sketchy. Something about his mentor being Wallace??

OGMagicalGirl : He’s not that bad. He just doesn’t like Riley

Ilivedbitch : Do you have his number? I just wanna talk 😊

OGMagicalGirl : No <3

OGMagicalGirl : It’s typical sibling shit

OakTree : Ash, one tip about siblings, they hate each other in a certain way when they’re close in age. 

Ilivedbitch : I can understand hating Blue, but not Riley

OakTree : Not my problem. Sibling hatred is different

Ilivedbitch : Thank Arceus I’m an only child

OakTree : If you want, I can hate you like I hate Blue ❤️

Ilivedbitch : No <3 I am your best friend and unlike him, I don’t ignore your existence 

RealMagicalGirl : Sounds like someone needs therapy

OakTree : We all do

*********

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : If I die, don’t exclude Sycamore or Sophie as possible killers in the next few days

Ilivedbitch and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : Alain, what did you do

GayorKalosian : I’m not telling you because you’ll laugh

Ilivedbitch : Alain

RealMagicalGirl : You worked with Team Flare, whatever you did now probably won’t get you killed by Sycamore

GayorKalosian : Swearing in front of brand new trainers will get me killed though

GayorKalosian : Also having berry dripping down my hand like blood

Ilivedbitch : Idiot. I can’t believe you beat my ass in the Kalos League

GayorKalosian : I’m good in a Pokémon battle, but shitty around people

Toomanythoughts : Same

RealMagicalGirl : Aren’t you a gym leader, Clemont?

Toomanythoughts : Yeah, I don’t participate in the league meetings often though

Toomanythoughts : I’m “too young”

GayorKalosian : Yeah, you have to be 20+ to participate in anything major. Sycamore and some other higher ups changed it up the year before you became a gym leader

Toomanythoughts : Really? I thought Eris was the only kid in the league at the time

GayorKalosian : On Kalos’s end, yeah, but a handful of others were in training, like Korrina and Viola

GayorKalosian : Sycamore and Zenzi were uncomfortable with some decisions being made by teens. 

Toomanythoughts : I helped in the Kalos incident 

GayorKalosian : Yeah, but he’s not happy about it. He’s not happy with some of you for getting involved 

GayorKalosian : @Ilivedbitch

Ilivedbitch : Shhhhhh

Ilivedbitch : Bonnie was involved too

GayorKalosian : Yeah, but you were the only one who nearly died

Ilivedbitch : We don’t talk about that, it’s really not uncommon 

GayorKalosian : Get help

Ilivedbitch : You first

GayorKalosian : I’ll have you know I do see a therapist

Ilivedbitch : I’m not in one place often enough to see a therapist 

GayorKalosian : They do video calls

GayorKalosian : Get help, Ash. You are too casual about almost dying

Ilivedbitch : Only if I’m forced to

GayorKalosian : For fuck sake

Ilivedbitch : :)

Ilivedbitch : I have to go, Professor Kukui wants to talk to me

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

*********

Ilivedbitch : Haha, so Brock and Misty are in Alola right now and Professor Kukui invited them for dinner since they’re really good friends of mine and they made a joke or two about some stuff from stuff from our past journeys 

Ilivedbitch : Anyways, Kukui now wants to send me to therapy and is talking to my mom about it 

GayorKalosian and five other have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : Thank Arceus

OakTree : Ha! 

Ilivedbitch : Shut up Gary ❤️

OakTree : Absolutely not. This is too good. Arceus really looked at you and said “Fuck you, get therapy”

Ilivedbitch : Gary, I know where you live

OakTree : Kill me, I dare you

OakTree : See how far it gets you 

Ilivedbitch : I can blame it on Blue and no one would doubt me

OakTree : Maybe it would be a gift

Ilivedbitch : Fine, I’ll dye your hair orange and call you Ed Sheeran 

OakTree : You wouldn’t dare!

OGMagicalGirl : I’ll have to let Riley know you’re finally get the help you need 😌

GayorKalosian : Who’s Riley and why does he care about Ash’s mental health 

OGMagicalGirl : A friend of ours and I have no idea. I can ask him though, he’s online in another chat rn

GayorKalosian : Go ahead

OGMagicalGirl : 👍

OakTree : You’d like Riley. He doesn’t talk much and is kind of stand off-ish

GayorKalosian : You know him too?

OakTree : A little, he hangs out with Roark so I see him from time to time when I work with Professor Rowan

GayorKalosian : Huh

OGMagicalGirl : I asked and I regret it

OGMagicalGirl : Something about an aura signature that could be harmful if his emotions build up too much

GayorKalosian : What the fuck

OGMagicalGirl : He’s an aura guardian

Ilivedbitch : Going to Rota was a mistake

Ilivedbitch : Ha ha, I’m gonna be dming him about this shit soon I think :)

GayorKalosian : I regret agreeing to this chat

Ilivedbitch : :((((

Ilivedbitch : All of my close friends are here, it would make me sad if you weren’t 

GayorKalosian : Not my issue

Ilivedbitch : I can make it your issue :)

GayorKalosian : Ash, I will fight you behind the dumpster

Ilivedbitch : Great, I’ll meet you in Kalos :)

Chapter Text

Ilivedbitch has enter Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : I have therapy on Thursday now. First one is tomorrow 

Ilivedbitch : Dad said that maybe I’ll learn some self preservation now

RockDad and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

RockDad : After knowing you for seven years, I know for a fact you will not

Ilivedbitch : That’s what I said!

MistywithaB : You can admit your shortcomings?

Ilivedbitch : Look, I may be an idiot but I still am very aware of my idiocy

Ilivedbitch : Also, it’s not my fault I get caught up in godly business, isn’t just an accident 

MistywithaB : That’s caused you to die 8~ish times? Possibly more?

Ilivedbitch : Yeah

OGMagicalGirl : Why is Paul here

Ilivedbitch : Some people are here to pay for their sins 😌

OGMagicalGirl : That’s threatening

OGMagicalGirl : @ Grouch

Grouch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Grouch : No, get fucked. I want to sleep

Ilivedbitch : Paul, would you like to meet your god?

Grouch : Let me leave and I’ll let you

Ilivedbitch : Don’t be a bitch to Dawn and no <\3

Grouch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RockDad : Why did you invite him and how’d you do it?

Ilivedbitch : Because he’s not bad bad and we’ve kinda have a friendship, but I did it with threats

RockDad : You’re as threatening as Eevee

Ilivedbitch : Perhaps, but not Charizard

Ilivedbitch : Also, if you Rickroll him or play any Cupcakke remix enough, he’ll cave to make it stop

RockDad : I don’t know to laugh or not

AllBiMyself : You’ve changed since Hoenn

Ilivedbitch : Ues, but I was 12-13 when we were traveling in Hoenn. I’m seventeen now and close to snapping

RockDad : It’s the trauma

Ilivedbitch : Maybe, but it may be from getting involved with so many world threatening situations 

RockDad : That caused trauma

Ilivedbitch : Okay, so maybe it’s the trauma

Ilivedbitch : Anyways

AllBiMyself : Who’s your dad

Ilivedbitch : What

AllBiMyself : I thought he was dead, but then I found out he wasn’t, but it still doesn’t change the fact he’s never around

Ilivedbitch : 👁👄👁

Ilivedbitch : You thought he was dead?

Ilivedbitch : May????

AllBiMyself : He’s not around and you don’t talk to him!

Ilivedbitch : He’s around sometimes and I do talk to him

Ilivedbitch : Brock, Misty???

RockDad : I know he’s alive and that he’s topically away because of work. Don’t worry, your mom and I talk over tea every once in awhile

MistywithaB : I can’t say I knew, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was dead. You portray fatherless behavior

Ilivedbitch : ????

MistywithaB : You’re very self-sacrificial

Ilivedbitch : Rude

RealMagicalGirl : I’ve met Ash’s dad once as a kid, but I really don’t remember his name or face

Ilivedbitch : 👁👄👁

Ilivedbitch : I’m out

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OakTree : Y’all are killing him

AllBiMyself : I just asked who his dad is ;-;

OakTree : Yes, but you also said you thought his dad was dead

*********

OGMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OGMagicalGirl : How am I supposed to become a top Coordinator when this is the competition?

OGMagicalGirl has uploaded video file RemyRatatouille 

Toomanythoughts and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

RealMagicalGirl : Hey, don’t bring yourself down like that! You’re wonderful 

AllBiMyself : Man, imagine having the honor of being up against him. 

RealMagicalGirl : ?

AllBiMyself : Serena, watch the video, please

RealMagicalGirl : Oh

RealMagicalGirl : OH

OGMagicalGirl : My friend Remy in all his glory.

RealMagicalGirl : I’m a little concerned about his eye and how he’s able to cover up the bruise so well

OGMagicalGirl : Least concerning part about him. He’s in his school’s basketball team, it’s not what you think

AllBiMyself : Isn’t that Wallace’s protege or something?

OGMagicalGirl : Yeah which makes it funnier

OGMagicalGirl : Watched him get tripped by his Houndoom and land head first into the wall. Dude’s got beauty but no grace

OGMagicalGirl : Damn, how are most of my guy friends dark haired and have daddy issues

Toomanythoughts : Who are you referring to??

AllBiMyself : Ash and Remy probably 

OGMagicalGirl : Riley too

RealMagicalGirl : Ash has daddy issues?

OGMagicalGirl : Definitely

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : Don’t talk shit about me while I’m in therapy and yeah, I do probably have daddy issues

Ilivedbitch : I can’t say I’ve ever had a proper relationship with my dad

AllBiMyself : Yeah, I think that goes for a good number of us

GayorKalosian : Wait, you’re actually going to therapy? I thought it was a joke

Ilivedbitch : Didn’t you literally tell me to go to therapy?

Ilivedbitch : Before I forget

Two user have been removed from Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : Did you just remove both of your parents?

Ilivedbitch : Yes

Ilivedbitch : If someone brings up something they shouldn’t hear, I don’t want them in the chat

RealMagicalGirl : Do you… want to talk about it?

Ilivedbitch : Nope!😌

AllBiMyself : Ash, have you met Remy before or no?

Ilivedbitch : No? That’s Riley’s brother, right?

AllBiMyself : Yeah

OGMagicalGirl : All I’m saying is that if you ever do meet him, just know to not bring up Riley

Ilivedbitch : Okay?

MistywithaB and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

MistywithaB : Congratulations on finally getting some fucking therapy

DragonTamer : Let me die for a week without something big happening, just once. What do you mean Ash got therapy

Ilivedbitch : I got therapy. Mom and dad said I needed it, they’re right though

Whowantslasagna : You sound like you’re reluctant about it?

Ilivedbitch : Well I’ve hardly talked about it to my parents. Only the people here know what I’ve been through and not even fully

Ilivedbitch : Mom and dad only know about Entei and Kalos. Not that I’ve had my shit rocked by every other legendary too

Ilivedbitch : ANYWAYS

Ilivedbitch : What’s lasagna 

DragonTamer : Say psych

Ilivedbitch : No

Whowantslasagna : You’ve never had lasagna? I have failed as a friend 

RealMagicalGirl : Ash, what type of life are you living

Ilivedbitch : Idk, not a good one from the sounds of it

Whowantslasagna : Next time you’re in Unova, I’ll have to let you try some

MistywithaB : That’s cool, but what is it

RockDad : It’s a pasta dish from a region near Kalos and Galar. It’s layered with pasta, tomato sauce, and a cheese mix. My mom made it once but wasn’t well received by my younger siblings

Ilivedbitch : Huh, that makes sense then I guess

RealMagicalGirl : Respectfully, it’s still a crime you’ve never had it

Ilivedbitch : Hey, I’m not saying I won’t try it

OakTree has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OakTree : Ash, you are a trash can. There’s almost nothing you won’t eat

Ilivedbitch : I won’t eat bell pepper

OakTree : Oh boy, one food

OakTree : Garbage child

Ilivedbitch : You will be the garbage child if you aren’t careful

MistywithaB : Behave

Ilivedbitch : No❤️

Ilivedbitch : I have homework to do, bye 😘 

OakTree : I’m going to strangle you

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OakTree : Yeah, run off coward

*********

Toomanythoughts has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Toomanythoughts : I got a call from Eris last night, I’m in danger

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : That sucks I guess

Toomanythoughts : Alain please

GayorKalosian : She’s like four feet, what can she do? 

Toomanythoughts : Look, I promised to update her on the shit in Kalos and I forgot to for the past year

GayorKalosian : Tell her Sycamore’s a bitch and leave it at that

Ilivedbitch and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : Hey now, only Gary and I can say that

OakTree : We’re finally slandering Sycamore here?

RockDad : He’s not that bad, is he?

GayorKalosian : Idk, Eris has “tea” on him but refuses to tell me any of it

Toomanythoughts : Because you’ll snitch

GayorKalosian : I would not

Ilivedbitch : Look if you want tea, he’s home for two weeks every six months and he doesn’t want mom and I moving to Kalos because of him

OakTree : You’re not even gonna tell them about the family chat right now?

OakTree : Your dad asked you how it went and you responded by leaving the chat. Now he’s being passive aggressive with “You can just say you don’t want to talk about it” and shit

RockDad : Your whole family needs therapy, Ash

Ilivedbitch : Yeah, I know. One of my uncles went missing a few years back and I don’t think my dad fully healed from it

RockDad : 👁👄👁

Ilivedbitch : I don’t blame him for it. He’s on poor terms with his parents, his brother was the only close family he had

RockDad : Therapy, now 

Ilivedbitch : You tell him that

GayorKalosian : He’s in his 40s or something, he’d never willingly go to therapy 

Toomanythoughts : I can pull some strings and get him in therapy🥴

Ilivedbitch : Lol sure, go ahead and try. Just… never use that emoji ever again 

Toomanythoughts : Okay. Eris said she’s down to help

RockDad : Ash not being mental stable makes so much more sense now

Ilivedbitch : I thought it was the trauma

RockDad : This is probably a source of it

Chapter Text

MistywithaB has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

MistywithaB: So are your friends from Alola going to join us? 

Ilivedbitch and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

AllBiMyself: Ash made new friends and said jack shit?

Ilivedbitch: Unlike them, you all are used to my bullshit and I haven’t told them even half the things y’all know. 

Ilivedbitch: But I can ask if they do. Toes will be stolen though if you aren’t careful

Lillie and four others have been added to Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lillie and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch: Hello hello, feel free to cause unadulterated chaos, just don’t cause problems that will alert the adults

MistywithaB: You literally threatened to kill Paul

Ilivedbitch: I threatened to send Gary to the eternal pits of hell over a family dinner once, I’ve said more concerning things

Kiawe: I feel like we’re missing some key knowledge

Ilivedbitch: Not really. Everyone here has been a rival or are friends of mine. Some I’ve known longer

Ilivedbitch: Gary is my childhood friend who’ve I’ve known since I was 2-3, so no one but him take my threats seriously 

MistywithaB: If Ash turns into a gremlin, hit him with a rolled up newspaper

Lillie: It’s very nice meeting all of you! I hope we can get along

Ilivedbitch: I have to add Professor Kukui. He says we need adult supervision and Brock and Alain don’t count

Pr.Kukui has been added to Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Pr.Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Pr.Kukui: Ash… you can’t just say things like that

Ilivedbitch: Say what?

Pr.Kukui: Telling Gary that you’d send him to the eternal pits of hell?

Ilivedbitch: I’ll admit, it was a bit extreme, but he deserved it

Pr.Kukui: You are quite the headache sometimes

Ilivedbitch: Yeah, my uncle tells me that a lot

Pr.Kukui: Do you mind explaining your username by the way…

Ilivedbitch: I’ve been through many things that should’ve killed me

Pr.Kukui: I’m surprised you didn’t get therapy sooner

Ilivedbitch: I’m never in one place long enough

Kiawe: All I’ve gotten from this chat and conversation is that Ash isn’t as sane or mentally well as I though

Ilivedbitch: That’s about right

Ilivedbitch: Honestly, I probably need therapy but I don’t want to confront those issues

Pr.Kukui: Are you okay? You know you can talk to me if something’s wrong right?

Ilivedbitch: I am as okay as I can be after the Kalos Incident and everything else

Lana: Get help

Ilivedbitch: I am

Ilivedbitch: You know what? If I ever see Lugia, Xerneas, or Arceus again, it will be on sight

MistywithaB: That is assuming that you won’t be saving them and you will have the heart to fight them

Ilivedbitch: I’ve fought gods before, I should be fine

Pr.Kukui: …

Ilivedbitch: Look, I get thrusted into things on accident, like the time my mom got kidnapped by an Entei or saving Meloette and other legendaries from Team Rocket and Plasma

Ilivedbitch: I’m fine

Pr.Kukui has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lana: You’re going to give the poor man grey hairs before he’s 35

Ilivedbitch: Oops

*********

RealMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

RealMagicalGirl : @ Ilivedbitch So

RealMagicalGirl: Tell us about your dad

Ilivedbitch and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch: No

Lana: Isn’t Kukui his dad?

Lillie: /j or /srs?

Ilivedbitch: No, he’s not

Ilivedbitch: That is Kukui Slander and I won’t stand for it

RealMagicalGirl: You’re really going to try making me remember events from 12 years ago?

Ilivedbitch: If you want to know so badly, yes

OakTree: Ash

OakTree : Ash

OakTree: You said you’d tell them if they ever asked

Ilivedbitch: Receipts? 

OakTree sent file Getfucked

Ilivedbitch: Damnit 

Ilivedbitch: I don’t want to get rid of the peace of mind knowing barely anyone knows my dad

Toomanythoughts: I know already 

Ilivedbitch: IVE BEEN MEANING TO ASK ABOUT THAT

Toomanythoughts: It’s easy when your dad is my coworker

RealMagicalGirl: AH!

RealMagicalGirl: SO HES IN THE KALOS LEAGUE 

Ilivedbitch: Clemont 

Toomanythoughts: :)

RealMagicalGirl: It’s Sycamore isn’t it

Lana: Haha what

OakTree: Lol yeah

Ilivedbitch: Gary, that’s whore behavior 

OakTree: Yeah and? At least I tell people who my dad is

[This message has been deleted]

OakTree: Expect violence in your near future

Ilivedbitch: Bestie, I know where you live

Lillie: Please don’t fight you two

Ilivedbitch: Okay

OakTree: YOU LISTEN TO HER

Ilivedbitch: I will listen to a lot of people. Just not you. 

Ilivedbitch: She also has little sister privileges

OakTree: Why don’t I get childhood friend privileges

Ilivedbitch: Lol

Ilivedbitch: You were bullying me ever since we were eight. You didn’t stop until we 13 or smth 

OakTree: Okay fair 

RealMagicalGirl: Wait, Lillie’s your sister too???

Ilivedbitch: No, but honorary little sister 

Toomanythoughts: So quick to adopt a friend

Ilivedbitch: The power of having an emotionally distant dad

Ilivedbitch : Gary, @ GayorKalosian, do you think I could put my mom back in and trust that she won’t bring any of this up to dad

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian: Idk

OakTree: Yeah. She’s not gonna cop you out like that

Ilivedbitch: Bet

Momthership has been added to Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Toomanythoughts: Does she know?

Ilivedbitch: Yes

Momthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Momthership: You don’t have to add me, sweetie

Ilivedbitch: Yeah, but someone has to keep Gary in line

OakTree: Why me?!

Lillie: Hello Mrs. Ketchum!

Momthership: Delia is just fine, sweetheart. No need for formalities for Ash’s friends!

GayorKalosian: If I called Sycamore another other than “Professor Sycamore” or “Professor” I’d be beat. 

Toomanythoughts: 🧍‍♂️

GayorKalosian: No

Toomanythoughts: You called him Sycamore when the Chairman was talking with him about recent research

[This message has been deleted]

GayorKalosian: Clemont, I can literally walk to your place right now and fight you. Your little twig bones won’t get you away fast enough 

Ilivedbitch: Good Arceus what have I started

Momthership: No insinuating violence

GayorKalosian: Yes, Delia

*********

RealMagicalGirl: Rumor has it Clemont is a quirked up little white boy

GayorKalosian and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian: Yes, but is he goated with the sauce?

Lana: Is he goated with the sauce and has a little bit of swag?

RealMagicalGirl: Last I checked yeah

RealMagicalGirl: Clemont is the quirked up white boy with a little bit of swag busting it down sexual style, while being goated with the sauce

Ilivedbitch:

Toomanythoughts:

Toomanythoughts: Alain, I am closing in on your location

Chapter Text

OGMagicalGirl : Gods are nothing more than false deities of flesh and bone, as Arceus has foresaken me since the time of my conception. 

Ilivedbitch and six others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : Dawn what the fuck

Lana : Lol okay edgelord, go back to your Gacha Life

Grouch : That’s not Dawn dipshit

Grouch : She doesn’t talk like that ever

OGMagicalGirl : How do you know that?

Grouch : Who am I irl 

OGMagicalGirl : That’s a stupid question 

Grouch : Answer me

OGMagicalGirl : Zoey

Grouch : Wrong, give Dawn her phone back asshole

OGMagicalGirl : No <3

OGMagicalGirl : She gave it to me since she got caught up talking to my idiot brother

Grouch : It’s you

RockDad : I’m sensing some hostility 

Lana : Bruh

Ilivedbitch : Who in Arceus’s name are you 

OGMagicalGirl : Your sleep paralysis demon🥴

OGMagicalGirl : Sorry about that, my friend Remy had my phone. Ignore him

Ilivedbitch : Like the Rattata?

OGMagicalGirl : He says he’s going to choke you in five days

Ilivedbitch : Edgelord

OGMagicalGirl has sent a Video File

OGMagicalGirl : I suddenly have never met this boy in my life

Ilivedbitch : Riley is being taken down by a kid a head smaller than him???

Grouch : Sibling on Sibling Violence

OGMagicalGirl : Gay on Gay violence

RockDad : Siblingly hostility 

AllBiMyself : Sibling Rivalry 

Ilivedbitch : Okay, since when did Riley have a brother

OGMagicalGirl : I don’t know

RockDad : How do you not know?

OGMagicalGirl : Never came up in conversations

OGMagicalGirl : I only found out Remy was Riley’s brother because of Wallace pulling Riley by the collar into the contest hall 

Grouch : I overheard that they’re from Kalos and Remy’s in Sinnoh for school 

Ilivedbitch : How old is Remy, Dawn😶

OGMagicalGirl : 16 or 17 now I think. He’s our age

Grouch : I thought he was 12 when I first met him

OGMagicalGirl : He’s like 5’8 or something 

Grouch : He’s really pissy

Ilivedbitch : NOO

Lana : What’s wrong now?

Ilivedbitch : KUKUI HAS A BUSINESS TRIP

Lana : Yeah that happens. He is the region’s professor. Principal Oak will probably be our sub 

RockDad :  You want to talk about it Ash

Ilivedbitch : This is not about my issues for once. My brain short circuits when listening to Principal Oak

Lana : Lol same bestie

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : Lol, y’all are in some luck. I have tea

Ilivedbitch : Alain, spit it out or I will hunt you for sport

GayorKalosian : Old coworker of mine and Clemont is a teacher in Alola, she knows Kukui and says they’ve been talking back and forth about her subbing for him

Ilivedbitch : THAT IS HORRIBLE NEWS! SHE KNOWS MY DAD THEN

GayorKalosian : She doesn’t know you. She knows your dad is… well a dad but doesn’t even know your name or your mom, you’re fine

Ilivedbitch : Ha, what

GayorKalosian : This was more of a her thing than your dad thing

GayorKalosian : She’s spacey and only got along with a handful of people

Ilivedbitch : And she’s a teacher now why???

GayorKalosian : It was until she left the league that she bothered being a fucking human being

RockDad : Are you talking about Eris?

RockDad : She’s always been good with kids

Lana : ERIS

Lana : AS IN THE KALOSIAN FAIRY TYPE GYMLEADER

GayorKalosian : Yeah

Lana : Oh Arceus have mercy

Ilivedbitch : Gay

Lana : She’s pretty okay

GayorKalosian : She fried her hair like seven years ago

Lana : I aspire to be her one day

GayorKalosian : In a constant state of emotional turmoil?

Lana : I already am

Ilivedbitch : Alain, I will hunt you for sport now

GayorKalosian : Have fun with that

*********

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : I swear she was glaring at me

Lillie and six others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Lillie : She seemed really nice;-;

Lana : Sounds like a you problem 

Toomanythoughts has sent File

Toomanythoughts : Did she look at you like this?

Ilivedbitch : Exactly like that

Toomanythoughts : She’s trying to figure out who you look like

GayorKalosian : F

Ilivedbitch : Ha ha

Ilivedbitch : What

Toomanythoughts : You’ll live, just don’t talk about your dad

Ilivedbitch : EH-

Lillie : Who’s Alain again?

Toomanythoughts : What happened?

GayorKalosian : Oh word?

Ilivedbitch : SHE ASKED IF ALAIN WAS MY COUSIN OR SOMETHING. SHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND JUST ASKS IF I'M HIS COUSIN OR SOMETHING 

GayorKalosian : Oh of pocket smh

Toomanythoughts : Common Eris L

Ilivedbitch : No, sorry, I guess I’m Alain’s cousin now

Ilivedbitch : @ GayorKalosian am I invited to Christmas dinner? I’ll invite you to New Years

GayorKalosian : Dead ass?

Ilivedbitch : Dead ass

GayorKalosian : Yeah. I’ll bring… something 

Toomanythoughts : 👁👄👁

RealMagicalGirl : Alain makes a mean galette

Mallow : Bruh

Mallow : First, I’m curious about Alain’s abilities now. Second, Ash, I can’t believe you said yes

Ilivedbitch : Okay, Christmas with Alain sounds fun. I want to meet his family

GayorKalosian : Do not bring up anything with the league, do not bring up the professor. I do not need my sister breathing down my back

Ilivedbitch : Dude, if she didn’t know then, I’m sure she knows now

GayorKalosian : Ash.

Ilivedbitch : Okay

Mallow : Y’all are really making these plans

Ilivedbitch : Second! Christmas! 

Ilivedbitch : Mallow, wouldn’t you want a second Christmas

Mallow : You’re a goof

Ilivedbitch : Yes!

*********

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : Okay, Eris is actually pretty neat, but on god

Ilivedbitch : What was that

Lillie and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

GayorKalosian : What did she do????

Ilivedbitch : Nothing really aside from what I said earlier, she’s just… strange. She just set down a bag of candy and said whoever answers questions gets a piece

Ilivedbitch : None of us even have issues like that, but I’ve never seen anyone so focused

Rockhard and three other have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Rockhard : It’s her ability to deal with kids

Pr.Kukui : Man, maybe I should have her sub more often. She said all of you behaved really well. She did mention Ash being nervous but it kind of just faded away pretty quickly

Ilivedbitch : Read up

Pr.Kukui : Oh. I still stand my case

Mallow : When do we ever misbehave?

Pr.Kukui : You have about as much energy as an overcharged Togedemaru

Mallow : Hey!

Ilivedbitch : I was quaking the whole day. I was praying she wouldn’t realize I was lying and realize who I actually look like 

GayorKalosian : Nah, I texted her about it. I asked if she was really teaching my cousin’s class

Ilivedbitch : Godsend

Pr.Kukui : But yeah. Eris is amazing with kids. Her first job here was at a preschool before she got picked up by a trainer school. Ex Gym Leader looks great on a resume with that shining education degree

Ilivedbitch : Do you have one?

Pr.Kukui : I wouldn’t have this job if I didn’t

Lana : WAIT

Lana : IS THAT WHY SHE GAVE US CANDY

Pr.Kukui : Probably. She works with all ages, she probably knows that any kid will do anything for candy

Mallow : Look, I’ll turn the other way for being treated like a preschooler if it means I get candy

DragonTamer : Man Ash, how does it feel to lose the chance to become the Kalosian Champion to your cousin

Ilivedbitch : Oh it caused some major family drama, you know that

DragonTamer : Oh I’m sure. I’m surprised you two are on such good terms😳

Ilivedbitch : Our moms are too

GayorKalosian : I’ve always been the stronger cousin💪

DragonTamer : I think Ash could win a fist fight with you tbh

GayorKalosian : Idk, we could fuck around and find out

Ilivedbitch : I’ve thrown hands with a god, you can’t do shit to me

GayorKalosian : Sure you have, dweeb

Ilivedbitch : I’m-

Ilivedbitch : You’re going on my shit list under Gary’s name

Rockhard : Welp, have fun, Ash

Chapter Text

OGMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OGMagicalGirl : Alain!

OGMagicalGirl: @ GayorKalosian 

GayorKalosian and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : Yeah?

OGMagicalGirl : Are you actually 💅

GayorKalosian : What…

OGMagicalGirl : Are you actually gay?

GayorKalosian : If I wasn’t, I don’t think this would be my user

GayorKalosian : Why

OGMagicalGirl : because of your user…

Toomanythoughts : At least he knows why and if I ever have to sit through Legally Blond again, I will pass away due to unfortunate circumstances

RealMagicalGirl : It wasn’t that bad

Toomanythoughts : Debatable. Even Sycamore said to keep it down when you guys turned it on

GayorKalosian : I’m not a fan of the movie myself, I just think that part was funny

OGMagicalGirl : What’s funny is your fashion sense and your baggy ass pants

GayorKalosian has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OGMagicalGirl : Oop-

RealMagicalGirl : Alain can’t handle the truth

Toomanythoughts : No, Valerie started yelling at him in another chat and he just went offline as a whole to not deal with it

OGMagicalGirl : Does that happen often?

Toomanythoughts : No. Typically it’s Olympia or Sycamore scolding him

Toomanythoughts : His sister is in town after being in Galar for uni for the past eight months. Valerie saw her walking around and I guess is yelling at him for not spending time with her

RealMagicalGirl : Okay, I’m listening 👀

Toomanythoughts : Oh man. Alain’s responding, he’s yelling back. They live on the other side of the region, it’s a three hour train ride back home

RealMagicalGirl : ALAIN @ GayorKalosian 

GayorKalosian and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : I do not do that daily! Only twice a week! I stay with the professor during the week since I work with him! I stay with family on the weekend!

RealMagicalGirl : >:(

GayorKalosian : I will compare you to Valerie!

RealMagicalGirl : I don’t care!

Toomanythoughts : That only works on Eris and Viola

GayorKalosian has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Grouch : You Kalos fuckers need to get your shit together 

OGMagicalGirl : Shut up Paul

OGMagicalGirl : Not everyone has a great relationship with their family and brother like you do

Grouch : You’re just jealous

RealMagicalGirl : Wait, @ Grouch is Paul, right?

RealMagicalGirl : Are you serious Dawn?

OGMagicalGirl : YEAH

Grouch : You should probably get help if you have really bad relationships with your family 

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : MY SISTER LIVES ABROAD 

GayorKalosian : MY FAMILY LIVES FAR AWAY FROM MY WORK

GayorKalosian : SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS

GayorKalosian has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Toomanythoughts : HA

Grouch : Someone has a stick up his ass

OGMagicalGirl : Have you met yourself?

Rockhard : Don’t act like you’re an angel, Paul

[This Message has been deleted]

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : Shut the fuck up and never say that again

OGMagicalGirl : 👁👄👁

*********

Pr.Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Pr.Kukui : Can you guys behave in the chat for one day when I’m not online?

Ilivedbitch and six others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : I didn’t do anything as bad as Paul

Grouch : Shut it

Ilivedbitch : I have met your god and they do not scare me. Shut up or I will have no choice to let you meet your maker

Pr.Kukui : Ash. Behave.

Ilivedbitch : Okay

Lana : Invite Eris and we’ll consider 

Pr.Kukui : No

GayorKalosian and Toomanythoughts have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

GayorKalosian : ABSOLUTELY NOT

Toomanythoughts : NOOOOO

GayorKalosian : She is not a benevolent person, Lana. She’s nice at face value but if you know her personality, it’s a living nightmare

Lana : I aspire to be her

Ilivedbitch : Let’s not invite my dad’s coworker

Pr.Kukui : Wait we’re actually talking about that finally?

Ilivedbitch : No

Pr.Kukui : Okay

GayorKalosian : What is there to say? Sycamore is Ash’s dad and Ash doesn’t live with him

GayorKalosian : Like, is there a lot more to unpack? Yes, but preferably in therapy 

Ilivedbitch : I have therapy tomorrow, this can all wait until I see my therapist and I don’t trust anyone here with the job

GayorKalosian : Good. I failed psych in high school 

Ilivedbitch : I-

Mallow : Isn’t Psych supposed to be easy

GayorKalosian : I hate people and it was very people involved 

Kiawe : What classes did you pass?

GayorKalosian : Everything with an A but psych

GayorKalosian : I’m ✨special✨

Ilivedbitch : There’s a reason Auntie was worried you’d fail out of high school

GayorKalosian : At least if I failed, I could still bounce back on baking I think

[This message has been deleted]

Ilivedbitch : You were always the family disappointment smh

Ilivedbitch : also never say that again 

Ilivedbitch : Lillie is in the chat

GayorKalosian : Hey, I just have really good arm and leg strength and some amazing muscle control

Ilivedbitch : I never would’ve guessed any of that until you hugged me that once and almost cracked every rib that wasn’t already broken 

GayorKalosian : Baggy clothes are comfy

Mallow : I want to meet Alain irl so badly 

Ilivedbitch : He’s pretty disappointing irl, tbh

GayorKalosian : Mh hm 

GayorKalosian : Literally shut up before I do what my sister did at Christmas when I was 14 that literally kept me from returning home for two years

Ilivedbitch : Ooo

Ilivedbitch : Someone’s trauma dumping

GayorKalosian : We’ve both been through shit far more traumatic

Pr.Kukui : Stop. 

GayorKalosian : Yes sir

Mallow : He’s got you guys on a short leash ha!

Pr.Kukui : Do not rile them up

Mallow : Okay, professor 

Pr.Kukui : I know for a fact most of you should be asleep, working, or pay attention to Eris right now

*********

Lana has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lana : Her Pokémon are so cute

Lillie and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lillie : It’s strange to see a fairy type specialist with a Steel type like Lucario

Sophocles : Yeah, but she hasn’t been a gym leader in multiple years! Maybe it’s still new to her team

Ilivedbitch : No, I think Clemont or Alain mentioned it being her starter

Sophocles : That’s strange, why a Lucario?

Ilivedbitch : Well, probably a Riolu

Kiawe : Who knows, not all professors have normal starters. Even look at Ash and Pikachu

Ilivedbitch : Yeah! Maybe she got it because she was late waking up too!

Lana : Now Ash, let’s not be unrealistic 

Lana : We know she’s not like that

Mallow : Why isn’t Florges a grass type

Mallow : LOOK AT IT

Ilivedbitch : because their flower from when they’re Flabebe evolve with them, but they don’t become a part of them. They nurture gardens

Mallow : I still want one

Ilivedbitch : Oki doki 

Lana : Do you know any water-fairy types?

Ilivedbitch : Azuril

Lana : True true hmmmmm

Kiawe : Are we going to ignore the staring contest Ash and Lucario are having

Mallow : lol, looking them now, Ash looks like he’s gonna cry or shit himself 

Lana : Or both

AllBiMyself has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

AllBiMyself : Be nice :(

AllBiMyself : He has a history with a Lucario

Mallow : ASH LORE :o

Lana : ASH LORE!!!!

AllBiMyself : I feel like I should not have spoken

DragonTamer and eight others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OakTree : WHATS GOING ON

Rockhard : You should get permission from Ash before anything

Ilivedbitch : Stop making my phone go off

Lana : Can we learn the Lucario lore

Ilivedbitch : The…?

Ilivedbitch : Oh

Ilivedbitch : …Brock and May can tell you… I guess 

Lana : Hot

AllBiMyself : Brock?

Rockhard : I will respect his privacy, but I can tell you a little bit

Rockhard : He used to be close to one in particular but a lot happened between them so Ash hasn’t really been the same with them since

Lana : I wanted hot goss 

Mallow : Aw, poor Ash :((((

Kiawe : Lana behave. This isn’t gossip

Lana : Yeah yeah. It’s still interesting, Ash doesn’t tell us stuff like this

Kiawe : Lana, c’mon. I don’t think Ash really likes the conversation

OakTree : If I don’t know it, you guys probably shouldn’t either. There’s some things Ash likes to keep between certain people

Lana has uploaded video file SKREEE

OakTree : Why the hell did it just dive towards Ash

Lana : Dude, I think Ash is fucked

Lana : She’s standing there like “I’ve only seen Lucario do this to one other person”

Mallow : But who and why is the question 

Mallow : Eh-

Kiawe : Ash, you’re a horrible liar

OakTree : What happened!!!!

Kiawe : She’s like “Are you related to Professor Sycamore” and he’s sweating bullets laughing and just says “nope!”

Kiawe : My baby sister is a more believable liar

Lana : I think you’re missing the fact she’s just going with it

Mallow : Her Lucario is dead ass glaring at her

GayorKalosian : Realistically, I should be working on a research paper right now

GayorKalosian : But this is entertaining

GayorKalosian : Also, that’s a very Eris thing for her to do and yeah, Lucario used to just headbutt Sycamore

Ilivedbitch : I cannot escape the cruel fate of being my father’s son

Kiawe : Edgelord

Ilivedbitch : Look

Kiawe : No

Ilivedbitch : Kiawe!

Kiawe : You’re overdramatic

Ilivedbitch : I know. It’s what makes me so fun

OakTree : You’re a dingus

Ilivedbitch : Uh

Ilivedbitch : Shut up before I give your brother all of the dirt I have on you?

OakTree : there’s nothing he doesn’t already know

Ilivedbitch : Dude

OakTree : He stole my phone once and I have not lived down anything he read

OakTree : I’m literally so close to just moving to Sinnoh and filing a restraining order against him

Ilivedbitch : I don’t think you can, I don’t think any actual crimes were committed 

OakTree : Do not ruin my plans

Ilivedbitch : No, you’re still paying for the shit you pulled when we were kids

OakTree : Do not make me fly to Alola and beat you

Ilivedbitch : You’d be doing me a favor!

Chapter Text

OGMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OGMagicalGirl : Broskis, I had a realization 

RealMagicalGirl and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

RealMagicalGirl : Dawn

RealMagicalGirl : Never say Broski again please

OGMagicalGirl : Look, it’s 2 am in Sinnoh

DragonTamer : Go to bed then?

Whowantslasagna : What was your realization?

OGMagicalGirl : …I don’t remember

Toomanythoughts : Dawn, you make me lose my mind 

OGMagicalGirl : I have not been the same since meeting my own creator

Toomanythoughts : I don’t think any of us have been the same since meeting our respective gods

Grouch : You… met Arceus

OGMagicalGirl : I’ve also met Giratina, Palkia, Dialga, Darkrai, Shaymin, and many others from Unova

OGMagicalGirl : I think I just cried for two days when I actually sat down and thought about it all

DragonTamer : I think we should all get a little bit of therapy

DragonTamer : It’s a miracle Ash is getting any since I think the only person who’s seen nearly as much as him is Brock if we don’t count Pikachu

Rockhard : Hey now, let’s not trauma dump here

Rockhard : This isn’t the trauma olympics either

OGMagicalGirl : Yes dad 😫

*********

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Ilivedbitch : I am 

Ilivedbitch : This close to hiding in the dryer🤏

Rockhard and Lillie have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lillie : Please do not?

Rockhard : What happened?

Ilivedbitch : Hmmm

Ilivedbitch : I have to go to therapy soon and I don’t want to

Rockhard : Get help

Ilivedbitch : Nah cuz I cried last time

Ilivedbitch : Mhm, I don’t want to go if Kukui’s not here

Lillie : Burnet is there though?

Ilivedbitch : I don’t like crying :)

Ilivedbitch : My mother hasn’t seen me cry in years :lipbite:

Rockhard : Go to therapy. I will literally call Burnet and tell her where you are

Ilivedbitch : No

Rockhard : Ash

Ilivedbitch : Brock

Rockhard : Ash

Ilivedbitch : Brock

Lillie : Please, Ash?

Ilivedbitch : Okay

Rockhard : I’m not going to question it

Ilivedbitch : Good

OakTree and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

OakTree : Ash?

OakTree : Are you bending to Lillie’s words?

Ilivedbitch : I don’t want to make little sister sad :(

Ilivedbitch : And shut up you chronic nasal infection sounding bitch

OakTree : Ash, therapy will be the last thing you need when I fly over to Alola and strangle you myself

Ilivedbitch : DO IT I DARE YOU 

OakTree : Okay

Ilivedbitch : Wait are you /srs or /j

Rockhard : Gary for the love of Arceus do not

Rockhard : Kukui, from what I understand, is still not back. Do not do this to Professor Burnet

OakTree : No, if Ashy wants a fight, it’s a fight he’ll get

Ilivedbitch : Just don’t be here on a Thursday or you’re sitting through my therapy session with me

OakTree : Suck it

OakTree has sent file Eatmysock

Ilivedbitch : I literally hope Tapu Koko smites you the minute you step out of the airport

OakTree : You don’t scare me, you 5’5 angry pidgey

Ilivedbitch : WOW

Ilivedbitch : Putting my height out for everyone to see!

OakTree : Dude! You’re a whole two inches shorter than Misty

OakTree : MISTY

MistywithaB has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

MistywithaB : I resent that

OakTree : I technically never said anything about you

MistywithaB : I I’m technically not going to drown you in the Cerulean City gym

OakTree : You’ll have to get me first!

MistywithaB : I know where you live! I can easily drag you there!

OakTree : Shut it!

Ilivedbitch : Bye ✌️

Ilivedbitch : I have therapy time now 😘 

MistywithaB : I’ll deal with Gary while you’re gone!

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lillie : Should I be scared, Brock?

Rockhard : If anything happens, I’ll take care of it

MistywithaB : You’re just going to mute us

Rockhard : Yeah

OakTree : Brock! She’s out for my blood!

Rockhard : That’s so strange, it says Gary sent a message but there’s nothing there

OakTree : BROCK

MistywithaB : Nothing is saving you :)

********

DragonTamer has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

DragonTamer : I’m literally going to bite Georgia if I ever see her again

Whowantslasagna and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Lana : Georgia?

Lana : Can we please start adding context

DragonTamer : She kind of my rival but I also didn’t even meet her until after traveling with Ash for a little while

DragonTamer : She calls herself a “Dragon Buster” and the most annoying person I’ve met

DragonTamer : I’d rather be stuck in a room with Ash when he was a toddler for a week instead of have a single conversation with Georgia

Whowantslasagna : What happened this time?

DragonTamer : She came to “check” on me and then insulted the fact Axew only recently evolved into Fraxure

DragonTamer : I literally am just standing there, trying to help Drayden and she comes out of nowhere and just opens her mouth 

Whowantslasagna : What did Drayden do?

DragonTamer : As my father figure and only parental figure, he literally just told her to leave. Unless she had something constructive or important to say, he wasn’t going to let her talk down upon his best trainer 

Whowantslasagna : Drayden is once again the best father in the league

DragonTamer : Literally look at his competition

OGMagicalGirl : Did I ever meet Georgia?

DragonTamer : I don’t think so, but if you did, I’m so sorry

OGMagicalGirl : It’s okay, we’ve all met our fair share of annoying trainers 

AllBiMyself : Drew

OGMagicalGirl : Didn’t you have a thing for him??

AllBiMyself : No? Maybe?

DragonTamer : That’s convincing

AllBiMyself : I don’t know

AllBiMyself : Last week we literally just like… tried fighting each other?

OGMagicalGirl : Pokemon or…?

AllBiMyself : Fist fight

AllBiMyself : My dad was so proud 

MistywithaB : What

Grouch : Does Ash fall under the same category as Georgia?

MistywithaB : Paul was it?

MistywithaB : Shut up before I kick you in the shins

MistywithaB : Ash is not here to save you

Grouch : I literally have never met else anyone so persistently play fucking Cupcakke

MistywithaB : Eat my shoe

Grouch : I hope he wakes you up at 3:28am and blasts the most god awful Ariana Grande-Cupcakke remix to ever in your ear for absolutely no reason

Grouch : I’ve never met someone with such a grating personality or voice in my life. That kid literally has nothing better than to bother me and it’s getting on my nerves 

MistywithaB : I will make you my Payduck’s next meal. Do not pretend like half the chat doesn’t know what you did when you first challenged the Sinnoh league, when you first even met Ash. I know he is annoying but he’s not the kid you make him out to be

Grouch : You’d be doing me a favor. I finally don’t have to deal with this anymore. 

MistywithaB : You’re insufferable, I’m surprised Ash has even tried being your friend

Grouch : I get that a lot

Pr.Kukui and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

Mallow : I am terrified of how long the professor has been typing

Pr.Kukui : You two, behave now! I will not tolerate this type of language and especially not that type of talk about Ash! If you are genuinely having such issues, both his mom and I are here, we can talk to him if you’d like but fix that bad attitude of yours first. I don’t know about what happened in the past, but right now, I know for a fact that Ash has done nothing for you to talk about him in such a rude way. Paul, I don’t know what fucking vendetta you have with Ash, but this is not the place. If you won’t take it up with Ash, don’t take it out on his friends. 

Mallow : 🧍‍♀️Okay

Grouch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now 

MistywithaB : Yeah, run away you bitch!

Pr.Kukui : Misty

MistywithaB : Yes sir

Pr.Kukui : Sorry about that. Even though I didn’t technically raise my voice, I know I did use some rather strong language and was heavy handed for this chat. 

DragonTamer : Sorry, I know I started the conversation 

Pr.Kukui : It’s okay, Iris. You weren’t the problem. We just don’t need anyone to feed the fire. 

Pr.Kukui : On a more positive note, I was sent this by my wife, Burnet since I’m not home at the moment

Pr.Kukui has sent file ElGordo

DragonTamer : He looks so squishy 🥺

Pr.Kukui has sent file Cuddles

Mallow : So that’s why Ash hasn’t been on in a while

DragonTamer : What is he, I want to squish the chonk

Pr.Kukui : That is a Torracat! It’s the first stage evolution of Alola’s starter Litten!

DragonTamer : Adorable!!

Pr.Kukui : Ash’s is a little feisty at times and he’s very strong, he’s just likes to loaf

Pr.Kukui : Especially on Ash

MistywithaB : He reminds me of those pillow pets that were popular like… ten years ago?

Mallow : Man, I remember getting one of those when I was little

MistywithaB : I had one. It was a Goldeen. I still have it but it has been through hell

OGMagicalGirl : Mom got me a Galarian Ponyta one when I was a little kid. I still have it and it is my prized possession, her name is Princess Glitter

Lana : I ever got one of those, but I do have a 3’ Wishiwashi plush

Lana has sent file Wishiwashi

Mallow : Why are you holding it like that

Lana : Because it’s big

Mallow : You look like the fisher bros from Unova

Lana : Exactly the point😎

Mallow : :p

Lana : You’re just jealous 

Mallow : Who’d be jealous when my Leafeon can be launched at you like a Dreepy

Pr.Kukui : Please do not throw things at each other, including plushies 

Mallow : Aw man

AllBiMyself : We are ignoring the little bow tie wearing borb on his head and I will not stand for it

Pr.Kukui : That’s Rowlet! He’s the grass type starter in Alola

AllBiMyself : He is a little gentleman and I want to hug him

Kiawe : Is that why Ash isn’t on at all?

Pr.Kukui : That and Burnet mentioned that she was getting dinner ready, so they’re probably eating now or soon

AllBiMyself : Man, imagine having peace of mind at any point

Pr.Kukui :…

AllBiMyself :…

*********

Ilivedbitch : What the fuck happened

Ilivedbitch : I literally took a nap and ate dinner, what is this

Chapter Text

Ilivedbitch : Paul, you are so close to just getting your kneecaps stolen

Pr.Kukui and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Pr.Kukui : Ash

Ilivedbitch : No, because if he’s going to act like he’s got such a problem with me, I’ll make myself his problem

Ilivedbitch : You could’ve left at any point. You are able to leave this chat, but I swear to Arceus, do not act like I’m holding you hostage here and then talk shit about me to my friends when I’m not around.

OakTree : 👁👄👁

Grouch has permanently left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : Bitch

OakTree : !!!!!

OakTree : I didn’t know you had it in you

Ilivedbitch : Look, I know I have too much energy, but he’s never genuinely told me down and I’ve never gone out of my way to piss him off over messages. I’ve jokingly threatened him, but he knew I wasn’t serious

Ilivedbitch : I was also under the impression that we made up and were friends, considering we have talked outside of just my time in Sinnoh

OakTree : I’m surprised you ever even tried to be friends with him

Ilivedbitch : I thought we made up after the Sinnoh league, but I guess I was more of just a burden to him

OakTree : :(

Ilivedbitch : :(

*********

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : Bruh, why I am watching my dad chew out my uncle

GayorKalosian and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OakTree : Dude, idk but it’s so fucking entertaining 

AllBiMyself : Wait

Ilivedbitch : Yee?

AllBiMyself : Why is Gary part of your family chat?

Ilivedbitch : He’s kind of my brother in the way that I’ve known him for way too long for my family’s liking but my mom doesn’t care and considers him her second son

AllBiMyself : Damn, I want a friendship like that. My dad’s title as Gym Leader just pushed everyone away though

Ilivedbitch : And that’s why I don’t talk about my dad

OakTree : Shut up, you don’t even have his last name. That’s your saving grace

Ilivedbitch : And I thank fate for that every day 

OakTree : Dude, why is your dad such a simp 

Ilivedbitch : Idk. I don’t want to think about my parent’s love life. It makes me feel bad about mine

OakTree : I mean same but it’s hilarious 

Ilivedbitch : Gary

OakTree : Ash

Ilivedbitch : And that is exactly why you get no bitches

OakTree : At least it’s willingly 

OakTree : ALAIN

GayorKalosian : What

Ilivedbitch : Why do you cry based on a timer

GayorKalosian : HE SAW THAT

Pr. Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Pr.Kukui : I used to do that in my last two years of college. It’s called time management and having no focus for writing papers

OakTree : You are a professor

Pr.Kukui : The PHD program was a nightmare 

Ilivedbitch : My dad has mentioned that a few times. He also mentioned not even originally planning to be a professor 

Pr.Kukui : That’s surprisingly common. We’re mainly picked up because of our specific research focus 

OakTree : I don’t know if becoming a professor is a good idea anymore 

Pr.Kukui : Just fixate on any select topic and make it your whole personality, you’ll be fine

OakTree : No because too much interests me and I can’t research just one thing

Pr.Kukui : Your dad, your grandfather, your boss, and your best friend’s dad is a professor 

Pr.Kukui : I’m sure they’re more than willing to help

OakTree : That’s another reason I’m unsure

OakTree : I don’t want to do the same exact thing as dad and gramps

Pr.Kukui : Oh?

OakTree : Dad was a champion for a whopping hour before some guy took the title and then gave it back to Lance and then he became a professor and fucked off the face of the earth. Gramps was a champion for a short time before becoming a champion

OakTree : I was never a champion and part of me hopes that if become a professor he’ll be proud of me, but part of me doesn’t want to and research like that doesn’t really interest me

Pr.Kukui : Is your dad a regional professor?

OakTree : Nah, but I also don’t care about his profession

OakTree : I do but I don’t. I just want my dad’s attention, I think. My brother was always my dad’s pride and joy, I don’t think he really cared much for me

GayorKalosian : Man, if I had a nickel for every friend from Kanto who wants his dad’s attention, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but weird that it happened twice

OakTree : Alain, what area are you even researching right now. 

GayorKalosian : Currently Mega Evolution, but my intention for uni is to study genetics and more specifically, probably Mega Evolution or the general evolutionary forms like Eevee or the ones that have specific evolutions in specific regions or situations m

OakTree : Damn 🧎‍♂️

GayorKalosian : I’m just waiting to start. My parents want me to wait until next year to start since my sister graduates soon

OakTree : Where are you going???

GayorKalosian : Ehh, Naranja Academy in Paldea or Galar Uni

OakTree : Oh

GayorKalosian : It’s going to be expensive even though I’ve been saving money for a while

GayorKalosian : I can neither confirm or deny that Lysandre offered to pay my tuition 

Toomanythoughts and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts : I wouldn’t mind joining Team Flare for free college at somewhere like Galar Uni

Toomanythoughts : It’s a shame he’s dead/j

Whowantslasagna : Isn’t that a little insensitive to say

Toomanythoughts : Maybe, but he did try to kill me and my baby sister so I think I can make a joke about it

Whowantslasagna : …ooo… that’s right…

Toomanythoughts : Yeah, I had to go through that shit

RealMagicalGirl : :Debby-ryan-hair-brush:

RealMagicalGirl : Maybe I’d go to Uni if that walking fashion crime of a poorly dressed Pyroar Furry paid for it 

GayorKalosian : Eh, I think I can pay for a good chunk of it and dorming with my league earnings

RealMagicalGirl : Does participating in the league really pay that well?

GayorKalosian : Kind of. Winning really pays well

GayorKalosian : @ Ilivedbitch

Ilivedbitch : I am giving you two days to just run and we’ll find out what happens

GayorKalosian : I’ll tell Eris you lied

Ilivedbitch : …okay🧎‍♂️

RealMagicalGirl : Uh-

GayorKalosian : You are very insistent on hiding it, aren’t you 

Ilivedbitch : Yeah, I don’t know this woman. I have to talk about him enough to my therapist

GayorKalosian : I’d say get help but you already are

GayorKalosian has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RealMagicalGirl : So… I may be crossing a boundary but is Professor Sycamore really a bad parent

Ilivedbitch : >:o

Ilivedbitch : SERENA

Ilivedbitch : Yes and no. It’s mainly just that emotional and physical distance that does him in 😳

RealMagicalGirl : And you live in Kanto why…?

Ilivedbitch : :lipbite: Mainly dad not wanting mom to uproot her whole life because she’s lived in Kanto her whole life

RealMagicalGirl : I’d say move to Kanto then, but something tells me no

Ilivedbitch : I don’t question my dad unless it’s about his dwindling sanity 

Toomanythoughts : You jumped off Lumiose Tower, my brother in Xerneas 

Ilivedbitch : Yeah? And?

RealMagicalGirl : My brother in Xerneas 

Ilivedbitch : I’m not dead permanently, yet

OakTree : Ayo

OakTree : Permanently?

Ilivedbitch : Eat my socks

OakTree : Ash!

Ilivedbitch : don’t make me get mom to yell at you

Ilivedbitch : Nevermind, she dmed me and yelled at me to take better care of myself :(

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Themomthership : <3

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RealMagicalGirl : So… your dad wasn’t very… dad-like when you were in Kalos 

Ilivedbitch : He’s a man who cries behind closed doors. Trust me, he was very “dad-like” when you weren’t around 

RealMagicalGirl : Why the quotation marks

Ilivedbitch : Dad-like is a weird term

RealMagicalGirl : I don’t know how to phrase it

Ilivedbitch : Neither do I

Ilivedbitch : Professor when will you return :((((

Pr.Kukui : Soon I hope. I fly back tomorrow assuming my flight isn’t delayed 

Ilivedbitch : Yes

*********

MistywithaB has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

MistywithaB : Fellow gym leaders and league members

MistywithaB : We live in a godless society and work for a slowly burning world

Rockhard and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Rockhard :Hm? Misty?

Toomanythoughts : What happened in Kanto?

MistywithaB : well first of all

MistywithaB : It’s not just Kanto

MistywithaB : Second of all, we have the international meetings next month and my sisters are making me go in their place

Rockhard : Oh that

Rockhard : I’m surprised they’re doing it so soon. Isn’t Kalos still kind of in poor condition, I feel like this may be a poor time for the region…

Toomanythoughts : We have it covered now. I think there’s bigger issues right now in other regions. 

Pr.Kukui : Are you kidding me…

MistywithaB : At least it’s in Alola?

Pr.Kukui : I still have to find a sub and I just had to do meetings with Traumburg’s professors 

Rockhard : I didn’t realize Traumburg had two

Pr.Kukui : One drops in a month, he’s not going to be the professor much longer and his successor is still considered “In-Training” even though I swear she’s done more in the past month than he has in the past year

Toomanythoughts : Wait, Professor Betula’s leaving???:0

Toomanythoughts : Who’s replacing him

Pr.Kukui : Eira Hawthorn. She won’t be at the meetings very much next month because she’s got work she can’t push aside, so she’ll be there for the tail end if at all. She’ll try being there virtually to at least introduce herself to other professors 

OakTree : Gramps was talking about her with Professor Rowan the other day. I think the league as a whole is worried about her…

GayorKalosian : Is she the one without Pokémon

OakTree : Yeah, she was never a trainer, but she had a “history” with the league ig

Pr . Kukui : We actually talked about that! She was an intern with Blumenthal Technologies for years before interning and training under Professor Betula. She also can’t be that bad if she’s trusted by their primary legendary

OakTree : Is she related to Ash or smth???

Pr.Kukui : No no they have something a tune to Z Crystals and are only passed out by their legendary. She has one without even having a Pokémon 

OakTree : What’s the fucking point then🧍

Pr.Kukui : Not sure. She can use it as normal supposedly, as it doesn’t need to be used with a Pokémon 

OakTree : Sus

Pr.Kukui : She’s a nice woman. A little aloof, but nice

GayorKalosian : Gross. I’m either going to be left to watch the lab or get kicked in the fucking shins by that Sinnoh kid

Toomanythoughts : Candice…?

GayorKalosian : yeah

GayorKalosian : She’s mad at me for something

MistywithaB : The only good coming from this is being away from my sisters and since it’s in Alola, I get to torment Ash

Pr . Kukui : Misty

MistywithaB : :)

Pr.Kukui : Oh dear

Chapter Text

FlowersandKisses has sent file May6 and six others

FlowersandKisses : Aw Lance, remember when we were little? I found Nana’s old album!

DragonRider has entered It’s Hereditary 

DragonRider : Oh my god

DragonRider : Is that LuLu too???

FlowersandKisses : I know! It’s been forever since we last saw her and Mo. It's a shame I couldn’t visit her in Alola, but she was busy with work :(

DragonRider : When were you in Alola?

FlowersandKisses : A few months ago with Ash and Mimey! We won a four day trip, Ash stayed though to explore

DragonRider : Oh???

DragonRider : @ Sapling

Sapling and two others have entered It’s Hereditary 

Sapling : Yeah?

Sapling : Oh

DragonRider : Does your dad know???

Treedad : Why wouldn’t I?

DragonRider : He hasn’t mentioned it here

HonoraryKetchum : Lol, he has you’re just not online when he does

DragonRider : Of course

Sapling : Anyways

Sapling : More baby pictures of Uncle Lance and Clare please

Treedad : Hold on a second

DragonRider : Wait, do you have pictures of Cole?

Treedad : I even have photos of Aurea and Lysandre

DragonRider : I’m surprised you didn’t burn Lysandre’s 

Treedad : Lance

DragonRider : Sorry, sore spot?

Treedad : 🙄

FlowersandKisses has sent file Dec25 and four others

Sapling : Is the blonde girl LuLu?

FlowersandKisses : Yep! She used to live in Cerulean but moved to Alola when she was 12, so we really only saw her during Christmas or New Years 

Sapling : Man :(((

DragonRider : Have you heard anything from her recently?

FlowersandKisses : No, we’ve been out of touch since she lost her husband. She really took it hard when it happened 

HonoraryKetchum : :0

Treedad has sent files IMG567 and four others

Treedad : Found some older stuff when Aurea was still living in Kalos with her parents and stuff of Cole as a kid

Sapling : Lysandre is like… a head shorter than you

Treedad : Yeah, he shot up in middle school ish

Sapling : Whose the blonde kid with the Klink?

Treedad : My brother Cole. Let me see if I can find more recent photos. I know he left when you were still little and he was still in school at that point

HonoraryKetchum : 🫠Therapy please

Treedad : Gary, I have been to therapy about this. I still do go

HonoraryKetchum : Deadass?

Treedad : Dead…

Treedad : You know what, I’m not going to question it tonight

Treedad has sent file IMG573 and two others

Sapling : Huh…

Sapling : Hmmm…-_-,

Sapling : Give me a minute

*********

GayorKalosian : Look, I don’t know what I did to make Candice my enemy

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Ilivedbitch : CILAN IRIS

Ilivedbitch : @ Whowantslasagna @ DragonTamer 

Ilivedbitch has sent file IMG574

Whowantslasagna and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Whowantslasagna : Professor Sycamore and Colress were friends?????

DragonTamer : Hey what the fuck

OakTree : Who’s Colress

DragonTamer : A mad scientist who worked with Team Plasma

Whowantslasagna : A man who tried killing us albeit reluctantly. He did seem to recognize Ash a bit but not too much if that makes sense

Whowantslasagna : I’m surprised those two were ever close 

Ilivedbitch : HEY MOTHERFUCKERS

Ilivedbitch : THAT’S SUPPOSED MY DAD AND UNCLE COLE

Whowantslasagna : Huh???

DragonTamer : Ash I’m about to march on over to Alola and beat you

Ilivedbitch : Iris, we were just talking about my mom’s and dad’s child photos and my dad whips that out

Ilivedbitch : I’m crying 

DragonTamer : I’d be crying too😭

Whowantslasagna : Is this why he seemed to begrudgingly do it

Ilivedbitch : You guys he fucking disapeared when I was 6

Ilivedbitch : I don’t remember this man, I just remember being told about my Uncle Cole

Ilivedbitch : Hold on, wait

*********

Treedad : Is everything okay Ash?

FlowersandKisses : Ash, is something wrong

Sapling : Was Uncle Cole’s full name Colress?!

DragonRider : Yeah, why?

Sapling : 🫣

Sapling : I had a man who looks an awful lot like Uncle Cole and working for Team Plasma try to kill me in Unova

Treedad : Ash

Sapling : Now is not the time for scolding

Sapling : Now is the time for a fucking crisis and questioning my whole life

Treedad : I’m calling Aurea. She told me Team Plasma was usurped but I was never told anything about Colress

DragonRider : Ash are you okay????

FlowersandKisses : Ash, do you need to talk sweetie?

Sapling : I’m just going to pass away honestly 

Sapling : Anyone else’s full name I should be aware of?

DragonRider : Well our Cousin LuLu’s full name is Lusamine Aether.

Sapling : That’s it

Sapling has left It’s Hereditary 

*********

Ilivedbitch : Update, my dad is not pleased™️

DragonTamer : Ash, what the fuck happened

Ilivedbitch : I do not know and am terrified to ask

Ilivedbitch : ALSO

Ilivedbitch : @ Lillie

Ilivedbitch : YOUR MOM IS MY MOM’S COUSIN

Lillie and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Mallow : Huh???

Lillie : This feels like a prank :(

OakTree : It is not, I’m on call with him right now 

Lillie : :’/

OakTree has sent file PROOF

Lana : So they’re cousins? 

GayorKalosian : Ash, I will literally send you to Yveltal’s realm myself if you pull an Eris

Ilivedbitch : WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

GayorKalosian : She’s got 4 cousin’s who are specifically the children of her mom’s cousins and she treats them like her own siblings

GayorKalosian : It is a nightmare

Ilivedbitch : Daily announcement of I doN’T KNOW MY DAD’S COWORKERS LIKE THAT

Kiawe : Ash, how about you step away from the phone for a little bit

Ilivedbitch : My uncle almost killed me and my friends, you guys 😰

Pr.Kukui : I’m coming up to the loft now

OakTree : Good, I don’t want to have this crisis 

Pr.Kukui and three others have left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Sophocles : The more I learn about Ash, the more I worry about him I think

Kiawe : I second that statement 

Lana : His therapist is going to have a hay day with him next time they meet :)

Mallow : Dude, I want to become his therapist. I want to hear the tea 👀

Ilivedbitch : MY LIFE IF NOT A FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW

Ilivedbitch : Ignore him, I’m calling his therapist in the morning

-Kukui

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

*********

Alain peers into the kitchen, hearing the oh so familiar sound of bowls clanging. He grew familiar to the sound within the first year as Augustine Sycamore’s assistant, the sound of the professor’s “Stress Baking” as Sophie would always refer to it as. The nights he would spend multiple hours baking to clear his mind, to find control in something. It wasn’t something common, but it wasn’t unheard of. The first time he bore witness, word of Ash and Delia’s involvement with Entei. The man was panicked, worried for his wife and son’s well being. It was the first time he’s seen the man’s attitude shift so quickly, the first time he saw the man as anything but collected and smiling. 

“Professor Sycamore? Are you alright?” Alain asks, his eyes landing on the man. His eyes are red, his body shaking. “I heard… about what happened from Ash…”

The professor jumps slightly at the voice, “O-oh! Alain, what are you doing awake?” He gives Alain a small, shaky smile. “It’s late and I know you’ll be busy finishing that report in the morning!”

“Professor, are you okay?” Alain asks again, “I’m not a kid, I want to talk.”

Augustine sighs, “Alain… it’s not that. I need time to collect my own thoughts… My problems are my own. I just need some time to think.”

Alain pulls up a stool at the little island in the kitchen, “Sophie won’t be happy when she finds out you stayed up.”

“I know, but there’s just so much going on, I can’t sleep.”

“Yeah… Ash told us about your brother and all,” Alain says. Something about the conversation makes his spine shiver. Is it the lack of trust? Is the fact he knows something he most likely shouldn’t? “Professor, I’ve been put through hell with Team Flare and Lysandre. I can handle a conversation about this”

Augustine sets a bowl down, clattering against the counter. It startles Alain a bit as Sycamore looks at him, “Alain… it isn’t you. I can’t handle this conversation.”

“Then… let’s just shift it. If you’re staying up, then I will stay up with you.”

“Alain-“

“I can’t sleep either, plus coffee exists.”

“I don’t think your parents wouldn’t be happy if you started your caffeine dependency at the age of nineteen.”

“I don’t think my parents would be happy about a number of things. I think my dad’s still mad I skipped Christmas two years in a row,” Alain scoffs, a small smile adorning his face. 

“Oh I know. I remember the incessant calling from your parents and older sister, apologizing and begging for you to come back home,” Augustine muses, shaking his head at the memory.

“I… forgave my sister eventually… but being forced to come out before I was ready was hard. I trusted her to not tell anyone and she told the whole family,” Alain explains, “I can’t say I regret it though. My sister was never malicious, but she took things too far. She finally stopped after that, but I know I missed out on a lot.”

“Siblings are a fickle thing,” Augustine laughs, “I remember the trouble Cole would get us into when we were young. I remember when he blamed me for staining the bathroom sink blue, mom was not happy about it.”

Alain raises an eyebrow at the comment, “Oh?” Augustine was a man who was always reluctant to speak of his family. He spoke fondly of his wife and son, even when Ash was causing trouble for someone, yet parents and his brother were always touchy subjects with the man. 

“He really thought it would work even though he was the one with a brand new blue streak in his hair.” He smiles at the memory, at the indignant cries of his brother trying to defend himself from their angry mother and happier times before his brother disappeared. 

“So does Ash get his more mischievous side from you?”

“Delia and my brother-in-law insist he does. I can’t really deny it,” Augustine laughs. He stares at the mixing bowl for a second, “…Aurea… had a lot of stories of our time as trainers.”

“That’s Professor Juniper, right?”

“…Yeah.”

Alain looks at the professor, his eyes glossy and red around the edges, “I don’t think she was trying to hurt you.”

Augustine wipes his eyes with his sleeve, setting the bowl down before leaning over the kitchen sink, “I-I don’t think so either… but he… I thought he was dead for the past ten years, Alain,” Augustine chokes out. “Oh Arceus… I-I’m sorry Alain, you shouldn’t see me like this. You’re just a kid, you shouldn’t have to worry about my problems.”

“It’s fine, professor, really,” Alain says, standing up from the stool. “I’m almost twenty, I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle adult topics.”

“You spent most of your teenage years working with me, though. You spent time working with Lysandre!”

Alain smiles softly at him, “When I was a kid, my grandma thought me to not dwell on the past. Cherish the memories, but don’t get lost in them as,” he starts, “Not sound philosophical like some of your… older corkers, but the past is just that, the past. Don’t worry about what you did then as long as you improve yourself now.”

Augustine gave a small laugh, “At least you’d get along with Professor Oak, that old geezer.”

“He’s not that old, is he?”

“Old enough to have been a professor for ten years by the time I was 15,” Augustine shrugs.

Alain grabs a cup from the cupboard and fills it with water, “Like I said though, or grandma rather, don’t dwell in the past. Shit happens sometimes, I’ll make the most out of what’s going on now. If that means staying up reading conspiracy theories and talking to people I hardly know on a group chat, then so be it.”

Augustine shakes his head at the comment, “Never change, Alain. Never change.”

“I don’t plan to,” Alain smiles, “Those meetings are next month, maybe talk to her then.”

“I’ll try, I just hope I don’t cry.”

“If you do, so be it. I cried a lot after the crisis… emotions are a crazy thing.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting life advice from some kid,” Augustine laughs, “Good Arceus, I need to get myself together.”

“I’m almost twenty!”

“Close enough to Ash’s age, still a kid to me,” Augustine says, quickly washing his hands before continuing his cooking escapade.

“So mean, and for what?”

“You’re the third kid I’ve had to take care of, I think I can safely call you one.”

“Third? I know Ash and I, but who else?”

Augustine sighs, “She never told you? Eris was under my care for about six months. I can’t say I saw her as family like you, but… she admitted pushed me away more than anything. She was always so flighty.”

“Really? I thought Zenzi took care of her.”

“Yeah… this before all of that. Back when Eris was training to be a gym leader, she needed to stay with some sort of guardian due to the Gym Leader system we have as the do schooling and all for the role. Her parents were out of the picture so as the professor, I took her in until she was a gym leader.” Alain takes a long sip from his glass, thinking about something. Augustine was sure it was about Eris and something she said to him. “I don’t suggest you talk to her about it. I had a call with her two months ago, she really wants to leave Kalos behind her.”

“I know… she’s mentioned that to me once. She feels at home in Alola, she’s a teacher and has connected with people like Kahuna Nanu and Professor Kukui.”

“That’s good. I’m happy to know she’s doing better, she was always so reserved in Kalos. It’s shocking to hear her being more open,” Augustine smiles, “I don’t talk with her very often any more, but I don’t… Regret it?” His tone is confused, questioning his feelings.

“She asks how you’re doing sometimes, but she never liked to dwell on you. She feels bad for pushing you away, even if you aren’t upset with her,” Alain explains, “She just didn’t want a connection like that, her parents already hurt her. The only reason she’s so close to Zenzi is because Zenzi won’t let Eris push her away.”

Augustine scuffs and rolls his eyes, “Chairwoman Zenzi never lets anyone push her away. Her and I may get together like oil and water, but she’s the thread keeping Kalos together some days. I can’t say many of the gym leaders are really tight knit like they were when you started your journey.”

“Did you preheat the oven yet?” Alain asks, watching the professor scoop the dough onto trays.

“Damnit! That’s what I forgot!”

Alain laughs a little at his reaction, “What temp do you need?”

Augustine peers over to the cookbook he was using, “Let’s see…” He drags his finger over the page, looking for the temperature, “I need it at 190.”

“What are you making anyways?” Alain asks, typing the temperature into the oven.

“Delia sent me a recipe book for Pokemon Treats, so I thought now is a better time than any to try it out,” Augustine answers, “My Kantonian is a little rust though, so translating it is a little rough.”

“I didn’t even know you knew Kantonian.”

“I do, I speak it more often at home when I’m with just Delia and Ash…”

Alain looks to the professor, a bashful expression adorning his face. “I see,” Alain looks to the clock. “22:34” it read. He sighs, it’s getting late for both of them and Augustine was right. I had a paper he need to finish in the morning. He doesn’t want to leave Augustine alone, but the man is fully capable of himself. Alain sets his glass in the sink, “I’m going to bed, I have that paper to finish in the morning.”

Augustine nods, “Okay, I’ll try not to stay up too late myself. Goodnight, Alain.” With that, Alain finds himself dragging his tired body to his room. He hoped Augustine will go to bed at a reasonable hour, but he had little hope for the man. He can’t blame him though, the professor has dealt with a lot tonight. He’d leave it for now, Sophie would surely reprimand him when she comes to work in the morning. 

Chapter Text

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Ilivedbitch: Why is my dad sending me homophobic Fidough memes

Ilivedbitch: nvm, they’re for my uncle

AllBiMyself and two others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

AllBiMyself: Huh?!

Rockhard: Which ones

Ilivedbitch: I know what you are and not homophobic, just don’t agree with your lifestyle

AllBiMyself: Is Professor Sycamore homophobic???

Toomanythoughts: No, look at Alain

Ilivedbitch: I think…? He’s bisexual??? He mentioned having an ex boyfriend before he dated mom

Ilivedbitch: Anyways

Ilivedbitch: I guess my uncle NOT COLRESS made mom cry???

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Themomthership: August is overreacting a little bit I think

Themomthership: And yes, he did have a boyfriend before me

Ilivedbitch: Mom!!!! What happened!!!

Themomthership: Your uncle failed to mention he’s been dating someone for about two years

Ilivedbitch: WHO

Ilivedbitch: and two years???

Themomthership: I’m a little heartbroken he didn’t tell me 😢

Ilivedbitch: Violence against Uncle Lance

OakTree: Mmmmmm

OakTree: Can I get involved?

Themomthership: I’d prefer neither of you do. Augustine is giving my brother a hard enough time for it

AllBiMyself: Considering yesterday…

AllBiMyself: Is your Uncle Lance Champion Lance

Ilivedbitch: Yeah

AllBiMyself: I feel like you need a little more than therapy once a week

Ilivedbitch: I have an amazing relationship with my uncle I have you know 

AllBiMyself: Mh Hm

OakTree: I feel like we’re ignoring that Ash’s dad, Regional Kalosian Professor Augustine Sycamore, knows how to use the homophobic dog memes and had a boyfriend before Delia

Ilivedbitch: I didn’t even teach him

OakTree: Probably Alain

OakTree: If there’s something I’ve learned, it’s blame Alain

Ilivedbitch: Don’t blame things on my cousin😫

Themomthership: Ash, you don’t have any cousins, at least not any immediate cousins?

Ilivedbitch: Oops, you weren’t on when that happened

Themomthership: Ash

Ilivedbitch: One of his old coworkers was my sub last week and she asked if I was related to him and it’s been a running joke I guess

Themomthership: Oh, no. I saw that, I didn’t realize you were still running with it. 

Ilivedbitch: Might as well for the foreseeable future 

Themomthership: What is the ”Homophobic Fidough” by the way?

OakTree: Memes about these two guys’ dog who they say is homophobic

Themomthership: Your generation has some interesting jokes…

Ilivedbitch: Yeah

Rockhard : If Eris ends up subbing for you guys again during the international meetings and both Alain and Sycamore are there, what are you going to do about it?

Ilivedbitch: Do what I’ve been doing for the past 6-7 years, pretend he’s just not my dad

Rockhard: There’s many of us here who can prove you are, in fact, Professor Sycamore’s kid

Ilivedbitch: And that would be a betrayal of trust

Pr.Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Pr.Kukui: Ash

Ilivedbitch: Yes

Ilivedbitch: I promise I’m not having a crisis again

Pr.Kukui: I literally heard you fall off the couch in the loft

Ilivedbitch: Okay, but have you ever been sent homophobic Fidough memes without warning or context 

Pr.Kukui: Ash

Ilivedbitch: I’m fine! I’m not having a crisis!

Pr.Kukui: If you say so

OakTree: Kind of offended Lance didn’t tell you at least

Ilivedbitch: Why?

OakTree: Aside from myself, he was the first person you ever talked to and came out as gay to

Ilivedbitch: True

Ilivedbitch: Uncle Lance is also just a very special case, so I’ll ignore it

Ilivedbitch: For now

AllBiMyself: I’m missing something

OakTree: Ash

Rockhard: Ngl, but I think we all know even if he didn’t say it

Ilivedbitch: Oh yeah, I never told y’all that I’m fruity

AllBiMyself: Like, we been knew but why did you never say anything 

Ilivedbitch: Sorry May😫

Ilivedbitch: I think I’m Omni or Pan

AllBiMyself: Hot girl shit

OakTree: Who knows-knows

Ilivedbitch: Everyone here I would imagine, dad, Uncle Lance, your brother

OakTree: Why my brother

Ilivedbitch: IDK, he just asked me out of nowhere

OakTree: And you answered

Ilivedbitch: I know, but I think I can kill him if he does anything 

Pr.Kukui: Ash

Themomthership: Ash

Ilivedbitch: OKAY

Ilivedbitch: Anyways

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

GayorKalosian: WHY DID SOPHIE JUST BRUTALLY DRAG ME OUT THE OF CLOSET

OakTree: Hey, we’re having a very important conversation here!

OakTree: But actually continue 

GayorKalosian: My apologies

GayorKalosian: I just finished and sent my paper in… maybe ten minutes ago and Sophie barges into my room, slams open the closet door and pulls me out cursing Sycamore’s name

GayorKalosian: Turns out

GayorKalosian: When I went to bed last night, he spent the whole night baking and Sophie’s mad because he didn’t sleep at all

OakTree: You guys in Kalos doin okay…?

Pr.Kukui: Why the closet?

GayorKalosian : I needed the paper finished before noon and I just needed somewhere without so much stimulation and stuff around

GayorKalosian: I like smaller spaces, I cannot explain it

Ilivedbitch: Alain, you’re like 6 foot something 

GayorKalosian: And?

Ilivedbitch: Are you small enough to fit in small spaces?

GayorKalosian: Some, yeah

GayorKalosian: Also, there are no clothes in my closet, it’s all in the dresser because I don’t like using closets for clothes and I own nothing but my lab coat and jacket that need to be hung up

OakTree: My brother in Arceus

Themomthership: Is August okay?

GayorKalosian: Finding that out now 

GayorKalosian: Ehhh… he’s not horrible? Very heavy eye bags and a little slow to responses

Themomthership: 

GayorKalosian : Whatever you are planning, please save it for Friday night or Saturday when I’m back home 

GayorKalosian: I am begging you, Mrs. Ketchum 

Ilivedbitch: I’m just gonna…

Ilivedbitch and three others have left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

*********

OGMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

OGMagicalGirl: According to Zoey, listening to Cutlery by Uki3 for five hours is heavily concerning. I say it’s just a typical Tuesday afternoon

Ilivedbitch and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Rockhard: Dawn, is everything okay?

OGMagicalGirl: I’m not the one to be worried about

OGMagicalGirl : Our lovely Kantonian Professor in Training has been listening to it again

OakTree: STOP AIRING OUT MY DIRTY LAUNDRY 

OGMagicalGirl: No!

OakTree: What are you even doing? You’re not even active on the Sinnoh chat but have been on for the past hour and a half

OGMagicalGirl: Cuddling my girlfriend while we watch movies since mom’s out of town til tomorrow 

Ilivedbitch: Reminding us how lonely and single we are*

OGMagicalGirl: >;p

Ilivedbitch: I’m passing away

Ilivedbitch: I’m so lonely, even my uncle and fucking Blue have partners

OakTree: …

Ilivedbitch: …

Rockhard: What’s happening

OGMagicalGirl: I don’t know and I don’t want to

MistywithaB: They’re doing their dumbass to dumbass telepathic connection thing

MistywithaB: They’re planning something stupid, I know it

OakTree: Ash are are you thinking what I’m thinking

Ilivedbitch: I’ll literally pay you 30 bucks if we get my uncle to see it

Rockhard: Uh

Rockhard: Elaborate? 

OakTree : I’m just going to tackle Ash and give him the biggest platonic kiss the day I arrive in Alola for the stupid meetings

Ilivedbitch: We’re going to make a big scene out of it

MistywithaB: There it is

Rockhard: How did you even formulate that idea?

Ilivedbitch: Don’t worry about it

OakTree: Telepathy after being friends for so long

OGMagicalGirl: You two probably dmed each other

OakTree: Okay? And?

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

MistywithaB: YES

MistywithaB: Please talk some sense into them!

Themomthership: Why my brother specifically?

Ilivedbitch: When he and I talked about my sexuality, he said and I quote “I really don’t care who you date as long as it’s not Gary”

Themomthership: Tormenting him like that would be mean…

Themomthership: But I will give you each $20 if you can rope your father and Professor Oak into seeing it too 🤭

OGMagicalGirl: I never thought of Ash’s mom being an enabler

OakTree: Dude, neither have I but 20 bucks is 20 bucks

Ilivedbitch: HA

Themomthership: I shouldn’t enable it, but I’m not exactly able to stop them if they do it

OakTree: The only people to get hurt would be Ash or I and that’s if I push us too hard

OGMagicalGirl: I would pay for pictures of whatever happens

OakTree: I will get you pictures of whatever happens

Rockhard: This is all horrifying but also hilarious to think about

Rockhard: By next month, y’all will have to corral probably a dozen people to see you kiss and make it seem natural

Ilivedbitch: Should we use pet names like sugar and babe?

OakTree: I think dweeb and dork would be more believable 

Ilivedbitch: Mom?

Themomthership: I don’t want any part in this

Themomthership: But I do call your father a dork endearingly 

MistywithaB : Mrs. Ketchum

Themomthership: They’re not causing any harm

Themomthership: Truthfully I wish they wouldn’t but they’re both 17 and I can’t do very much to stop them

MistywithaB : Ash please

Ilivedbitch: :))))))))

MistywithaB: :((((((

Chapter Text

RealMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

RealMagicalGirl : How do you know if you’re gay or you just really care about someone 

OGMagicalGirl and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Lana : If you have to ask, you’re probably gay

Mallow : Flip a coin

OGMagicalGirl : My therapist actually diagnosed me as a lesbian

RealMagicalGirl : You got diagnosed as a lesbian???

OGMagicalGirl : Yeah

OGMagicalGirl : I was talking to her and I’m like “hey, why do I have this burning feeling in my chest when I’m with my best friend? I don’t think it’s jealousy because I’m always so happy when I’m around her, but it makes me want to hide.”

OGMagicalGirl : She stares at me and is like “That’s a crush” and I’m sitting there like “But I don’t feel I that way about any guys”

Lana : Man, I want a diagnosis of being gay, maybe then my dad would believe me

OGMagicalGirl : Imagine having a dad

Lana : Back to the story 🔫

OGMagicalGirl : Oh! She’s like “You can have crushes on just girls, Dawn. You can be not straight” and I’m like “are you saying I’m a lesbian?” And she said most likely!

OGMagicalGirl : And now me and my girlfriend have been dating for seven months

Mallow : Okay, cool

Mallow : This is a cruel reminder of how sad and lonely half the chat is

RealMagicalGirl : I

RealMagicalGirl : I think I need to lay down

OGMagicalGirl : Comp het is one hell of a drug

AllBiMyself : Serena, are you okay????

RealMagicalGirl : I think I have a crush on someone🫣

RealMagicalGirl : But I’m scared she doesn’t feel the same way

AllBiMyself : If she doesn’t return your feelings I’ll steal you for myself

RealMagicalGirl has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Lana : You are going to make her self combust

AllBiMyself : I have that effect on people 

AllBiMyself : :lipbite:

Lana : I’m going to drown myself, I think

Lana has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Mallow : LANA NOOOO

Mallow has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

***

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

GayorKalosian : I’m going home early Thursday, I do not care about the consequences 

GayorKalosian : I don’t want to be in the same building as Professor Sycamore and Mrs. Ketchum 

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Ilivedbitch : Oh no

GayorKalosian : YOUR MOM CALLED AND I AM EMOTIONALLY SCARED

Ilivedbitch : Alain you’re 19

GayorKalosian : Dude, I’ve been living with Sycamore for years and I’m his coworker. I do not want to hear their anything they do as a couple

Ilivedbitch : And I’m their son. My parents still love each other Alain

Ilivedbitch : They’re going to fuck

GayorKalosian : I don’t want to find out anything about their sex life

Ilivedbitch : Fair enough. I don’t know what they do, I just know I’m still an only child after many many years, so 

Ilivedbitch : At least they’re using protection

OakTree has four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

[This message has been deleted]

Ilivedbitch : GARY

OakTree : Hey, if this is the direction we’re taking it why not?

Ilivedbitch : I will literally send you to the reverse world if you do not stop

OakTree : Okay! Okay!

Rockhard : Again, I am reiterating this

Rockhard : Are you guys in Kalos doing alright?

GayorKalosian : When has my name and “Alright” ever been synonymous with each other

Rockhard : Are you guys in Kalos doing alright

GayorKalosian : No, many of us are severely sleep deprived

GayorKalosian : EVEN VALERIE 

Rockhard : I’m gonna have to tell Diantha and Zenzi to get you mfs therapy

GayorKalosian : most of us are in therapy???

Rockhard : Most?

GayorKalosian : Olympia is special :)

MistywithaB : I do not like the energy we have generated in the chat room this week

MistywithaB : I would rather listen to Serena’s pining than this

Ilivedbitch : Same!

Ilivedbitch : @ RealMagicalGirl

RealMagicalGirl has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RealMagicalGirl : What do you mean “my thing”?

RealMagicalGirl :

RealMagicalGirl : ASH

Ilivedbitch : LISTEN 

Ilivedbitch : I don’t want to hear Alain

RealMagicalGirl : 🫣

RealMagicalGirl : Well if you really want to hear it 

RealMagicalGirl : She’s really nice and I love being around her. She makes me feel so fluttery when she smiles at me and cheers for me. Love the way she smiles and there’s just something so comforting about being around her even when she’s got too much energy. She’s just so… arrgh… some of it’s so hard to put into words. I want her to hold my hand, I want her to tell me I’m pretty, I just want to be with her. I feel like I’m going insane because I have these feelings and I’m just so scared to tell her because I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I want to hold her face and kiss her

GayorKalosian : Are we allowed to guess?

RealMagicalGirl : Alain, I literally know where you live. Do NOT

GayorKalosian : You know where I work

Ilivedbitch : And my dad’s your boss. I will tell him to not stop her

GayorKalosian : Hey now

RealMagicalGirl : It’s my crush and I decide who knows

GayorKalosian : Who does know then?

RealMagicalGirl : Wouldn’t you like to know

GayorKalosian : Serena I have a 24 year old sister. do not play these games with me

RealMagicalGirl : Uuugh

Ilivedbitch : The tea is good today

OakTree : The curse of older siblings </3

Ilivedbitch : Blue just calls you an ass when you refuse to admit who you like

OakTree : Your point??? I knew who he liked long before he even said anything

Ilivedbitch : Everyday I thank Arceus that I am only child

OakTree : I still have no idea who you like

Ilivedbitch : Good

Ilivedbitch : I’m sure my mom knows and I fear that she’s going to bring it up one of these days

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

Themomthership : I do <3

Themomthership : But I won’t say anything until you feel comfortable with telling me yourself <3

Themomthership has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Know

RealMagicalGirl : I wish other people were like that

RealMagicalGirl : @ GayorKalosian 

GayorKalosian : I’m not your mom or brother, I don’t care

RealMagicalGirl : But you’re my friend and should care about my boundaries 🥺

GayorKalosian : I’m sorry Serena. I’ll stop with it

RealMagicalGirl : 🥰🥰🥰 Thankie

OakTree : @ Ilivedbitch

Ilivedbitch : No

Ilivedbitch : I did not get bullied by you since I was like 8 or 9 until I was damn near 13

Ilivedbitch : To listen to your boundaries after you texted me at 2am to tell me your crush

GayorKalosian : Get help!

Ilivedbitch : I am????

GayorKalosian : Group therapy

RealMagicalGirl : I swear, you two are a lot like brothers

Ilivedbitch : It’s the Eldritch entity known as Professor Augustine Sycamore that keeps us close together

GayorKalosian : I actually got mistaken as his son once

GayorKalosian : I don’t remember who did it but I vaguely remembering them knowing Zenzi in some capacity 

Ilivedbitch : ?

GayorKalosian : Chairwoman Zenzi :)

GayorKalosian : She is… interesting :)

Ilivedbitch : as in???

GayorKalosian : :)

Ilivedbitch : I’ll find out next month I guess

GayorKalosian : Yeah, you will. She’s known your dad for like… 12-13 years now? She worked with him when he first started because she was Bisset’s intern

Ilivedbitch : Stop throwing out names I don’t know!

GayorKalosian : Absolutely not

RealMagicalGirl : I remember my mom celebrating when Bisset stepped down and gave the title to Zenzi. I do not know what was going on with him

GayorKalosian : He was old and people wanted changes in some of the laws and regulations that he was against

Ilivedbitch : Kalos is… strange

GayorKalosian : Well when the two highest positions of power in the league are filled by people a sneeze away from disintegrating, shit happens

RealMagicalGirl : Was Castanea really that old?

GayorKalosian : No, that was mean to say, but she wasn’t the youngest. She was a crazy professor(derogatory) from the few times she checked on Sycamore’s work

RealMagicalGirl : I was gonna say, she was out before any of us were trainers

GayorKalosian : I’ve met a number of old league members. Astrid was my favorite tbh. She was before Eris became a gym leader. She used Flying types iirc

Ilivedbitch : Kalos league stuff sure is…

GayorKalosian : Weird. We’ll go with weird. 

RealMagicalGirl : My mom would say so much worse

GayorKalosian : Current league or…

RealMagicalGirl : She likes the current league, but she’s waiting for Ramos to leave

GayorKalosian : We are dreading that day because there’s no one to take his place

Toomanythoughts has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts : Oh!!!

Toomanythoughts : Eris mentioned coming back the day that happens

GayorKalosian : WHAT

Chapter Text

Private messages between AskK and SerenaY

AshK : :))))))

SerenaY : Ash :((((((

AshK : I can play wingman :))))

AshK : We know she likes you

SerenaY : But what if she was joking 

AshK : Don’t look a gift rapidash in the mouth

AshK : I know her brother. I can see if she actually likes you

SerenaY : D O N O T

SerenaY : I will tell everyone that you are Professor Sycamore’s son

AshK : Everyone in the chat knows already I’m sure???

SerenaY : Not Trevor and the others from Kalos :)))

SerenaY : Miette doesn’t :))))))

AshK : :((((((

AshK : Serena please

AshK : That stays in the chat and that chat only :((((

SerenaY : Then this stays between you, Clemont, and I 😘 

AshK : Okay :(((

*********

AllBiMyself : All I’m saying is that if I see Drew today, it’s on site!

OGMagicalGirl : May, please do not punch Drew!!!

AllBiMyself : But consider

AllBiMyself: But he’s flirting with me after we broke up months ago

RealMagicalGirl : I’d pay good money to watch it

Toomanythoughts has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts : 1. Do it. Boundaries bitch

Toomanythoughts : 2. Why am I only now learning that my dad had to take batteries away from me multiple times because I tried to eat them as a toddler

AllBiMyself : See!!!! Clemont gets it!!!

AllBiMyself : My dad had to stop me from eating the little rubber grocery toys as a kid too

AllBiMyself : Also Polly pocket clothes

RealMagicalGirl : Why are you two eating random things??? I’m worried about the hospital bills

Toomanythoughts : I never swallowed anything, at least

AllBiMyself : He doesn’t know about the ones I did end up eating

RealMagicalGirl : I swear you two

AllBiMyself : Shhh, you love me :)))

AllBiMyself : You’re my bestie :))))

*********

Private messages between AskK and SerenaY

AshK : :))))))

SerenaY : Do not make me fly to Alola myself and throw you

AshK : :))))))))))))))))

AshK : I know what you are

*********

RealMagicalGirl : You’re a dork 

AllBiMyself : It’s what makes me so fun

Toomanythoughts : Serena!!!

Toomanythoughts : Do you have recordings of your contests btw!!!????

Toomanythoughts : Bonnie wants to see them since they don’t air in Kalos!!!

AllBiMyself : Wait, deadass???

AllBiMyself : That sucks

RealMagicalGirl : Yeah!!! I need to send some to mom so I’ll send some to you too!!!

Toomanythoughts : Are you going to be back in Kalos anytime soon?

RealMagicalGirl : Maybe? I’m am considering it, I just gotta look at some contest schedules first

AllBiMyself : Week of the international meetings should be safe! All league stuff goes on a hiatus that week until the end of the following week!

RealMagicalGirl : You godsend

Toomanythoughts : Wait fuck

Toomanythoughts : I’m a part of those this year

AllBiMyself : If we go to Alola

RealMagicalGirl : Two birds one stone

OGMagicalGirl : Lol I’d join but peace and quiet with Zoey :))))

AllBiMyself : Hey :((((

AllBiMyself : Most of us are single here :((((

OGMagicalGirl : :))))

*********

Private messages between MayS and DawnB 

DawnB : Serena 😘

AllBiMyself : But she has a crush on someone 

AllBiMyself : And I don’t think it’s me

DawnB : oh nuar 😢

*********

RealMagicalGirl : I’m game to go to Alola and catch up with the gang if you want to come with May

AllBiMyself : Yes! Yes!

AllBiMyself : H A  W A I T

AllBiMyself : My dad has to be there too, I’m in danger

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : I’m in danger 

Ilivedbitch : My dad, Alain, Clemont, Brock, Misty, May, Norman, Iris(maybe???), Cilan, and Serena

RealMagicalGirl : I’m gonna get you 🤩

RealMagicalGirl : Should I ask your dad to bring Greninja too?

Ilivedbitch : Only if he wants to but I worry it’ll make the separation worse :((((

RealMagicalGirl : True :(

Ilivedbitch : Man, I haven’t had such a fear of separation since my dad left for Kalos

Toomanythoughts : I

OGMagicalGirl : Ash

AllBiMyself : Out of pocket

Ilivedbitch : What’s out of pocket is my dad practically adopting Alain when he has me :(

RealMagicalGirl : Is your mom… not in this chat???

Ilivedbitch : Oh she is

Ilivedbitch : She knows my feelings on it. She doesn’t like I haven’t talked to dad about it, but she understands 

OGMagicalGirl : T H E R A P Y P L E A S E

Ilivedbitch : I keep saying this, I am getting therapy

Toomanythoughts : I’m going to force you to sit down and talk with your father when we’re in Alola

Ilivedbitch : Have fun?

Toomanythoughts : If I have to use a taser, I will

Ilivedbitch : Do you even have one?

Toomanythoughts : I can always make one

Ilivedbitch : …

Toomanythoughts : :)

Ilivedbitch : Anyways, I promised to help Kukui with something, bye bye

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OGMagicalGirl : I still want to know who his crush is because he knows everyone else’s 

Toomanythoughts : My money is on Gary

Toomanythoughts : His plan is a little bit sus

Themomthership has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Themomthership : It’s not Gary 😊

Themomthership has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts : Hey now

Ilivedbitch has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch : Hhhhng

Ilivedbitch : It’s a free pass today

Ilivedbitch has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OGMagicalGirl : …

RealMagicalGirl : Now that’s just unfair 

*********

DragonTamer has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

DragonTamer : Can I have… peace of mind for one day? I am on my knees begging for the gods to stop throwing me curve balls

Whowantslasagna and three others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Whowantslasagna : Then beg

DragonTamer : IM SERIOUS

DragonTamer : I don’t like that the league is looking at me to become the new champion and then have to deal with Georgia a g a i n

Whowantslasagna : Is she still near you?

DragonTamer : Yeah she’s talking my ear off and trying to see what I’m doing since I’m ignoring her

Whowantslasagna : Give me a second

Whowantslasagna has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OakTree : Ah, league siblings, you gotta love them

OGMagicalGirl : You literally threatened to turn Roark inside out last week and I watched you tackle him the week prior

OakTree : Yeah and?

OGMagicalGirl : Gary

OakTree : Dude I’ve bit my own brother, Roark is fine

DragonTamer : What’s goin on in Sinnoh?

OakTree : Sin

DragonTamer : Anyways they want me to become champion and I am going to scream. The only ones not really pressuring it are Cilan and Drayden but the rest of the league really wants me to at least try and take the title

DragonTamer : Wait

DragonTamer : Why are there footsteps 

OakTree : People are walking?

DragonTamer sent video file Goated

OGMagicalGirl : Stan Cilan for clear skin

OakTree : That’s one way to say eat shit and die 

OGMagicalGirl : Have you ever met Cilan irl?

OakTree : Twice??? I think

DragonTamer : He can’t tackle her but by the gods, he will insult her. And she’s finally fucking off!!!

DragonTamer : Cilan and Drayden are my favorites in this godless league for a reason :))

Whowantslasagna has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Whowantslasagna : :))))

Whowantslasagna : Having two brothers is overwhelming, having Iris as my little sister is very refreshing and I swear to Arceus I will fight anyone and anything that threatens to harm her

Whowantslasagna : :))))))

OGMagicalGirl : So I’m guessing you just finished meetings with the Unova league

DragonTamer : Ye

DragonTamer : That’s why this is all an issue rn but also why I get to have my brother with me >:3

OGMagicalGirl : That’s how you treat an older brother Gary!

OakTree : Blue is seven years older than me! I don’t know what a brother should be like because he was gone before I turned three!

OGMagicalGirl : Maybe you need therapy too to sort out your family issues 

OakTree : There’s no maybe about it. But Rowan ha tried and failed to get me to go to one

Chapter Text

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

GayorKalosian: My sister has a fiancé…

GayorKalosian: Oh noooo

Toomanythoughts and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts: Alain, is everything okay???

GayorKalosian: Very scared :)

GayorKalosian: 1. I’m only really out to my friends and family. I’m out but it’s not… common knowledge 

GayorKalosian: 2. The crisis and Team Flare

RealMagicalGirl: We’re all here is something goes astray

Themomthership: If something happens, I’m sure Auggie won’t mind if you stay the rest of the weekend

GayorKalosian: This is my one weekend to catch up with my sister and little brother because I skipped last week for the paper but I’ve never met the guy

GayorKalosian: Mom says he’s nice, but my sister is an older sibling and ehhh

Themomthership: Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry

Toomanythoughts: My doors are always open if something comes up 👍

GayorKalosian: I’m still going, I just hope my sister keeps her mouth shut about anything she knows I’m uncomfortable with

RealMagicalGirl: I can offer emotional support! Feel free to call!!!

GayorKalosian: I’m going to just try and stick through it, at least for my brother. I know he struggles with us being so much older than him and I feel bad about it

Toomanythoughts: How much older are you than him?

GayorKalosian: I’m eight years older, my sister is twelve years older. 

Toomanythoughts: 😬

GayorKalosian: I know 

GayorKalosian: I have to go. Mom wants me to “help with dinner”. Meaning she’s going to talk to me probably about my sister and not fighting her this weekend

GayorKalosian has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RealMagicalGirl: This will be… interesting

AllBiMyself: Did anyone else think… that Alain just… didn’t have parents??? Like before I found out Ash is his kid

AllBiMyself: I thought Professor Sycamore was Alain’s dad

Toomanythoughts: You’re saying this with Alain being a member of the chat??? WITH ASH’S MOM ONLINE????

AllBiMyself: After accidentally breaking one of my mom’s ceramic figures, I no longer fear any god

Toomanythoughts: Are you implying Ash’s mom is a god?

AllBiMyself: Look at Ash! One of them has to be and it don’t think it’s his dad

Themomthership has left Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts: If I die, tell Eris she gets the Lumiose Gym

RealMagicalGirl: NONE OF US KNOW HER?????

Toomanythoughts: Ash, Alain, and Professor Kukui do

*********

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

GayorKalosian : Update, I just had to listen to Dorian and Brannon talk about Lego Bionicles for two hours after my mom told me to not fight Lucille. Brannon then proceeded to show me pictures of his “Serotonin Room” which is just a room with Legos and model planes 

Ilivedbitch and four others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

RealMagicalGirl : Whomst

GayorKalosian: Dorian is my brother, Lucille is my sister, and Brannon is my sister’s fiancé 

Ilivedbitch : Serotonin Room

GayorKalosian : Yeah. I am going to fight him though??? He’s wearing shoes in the house and it makes me cringe

GayorKalosian: My mom even offered him some slippers when he arrived 

Ilivedbitch: My mom would not allow something like that

GayorKalosian: My mom has been passive aggressive about it all day 

Ilivedbitch: Also

Ilivedbitch: Everyone talks about fucking legos, I’ve never owned a single set and I feel like I’m missing something 

Toomanythoughts : Because you are

GayorKalosian: Never????

Ilivedbitch: Never. Gary did, but I never took interest in them

RealMagicalGirl: Legos and a no shoe rule??? Are your parents masochists???

GayorKalosian: Serena

GayorKalosian: We had an established play room and also, it’s just part of life 

AllBiMyself: You don’t know real pain until you step on a Lego

Ilivedbitch:

AllBiMyself: Hey

Ilivedbitch: 

AllBiMyself: You already know you aren’t included in these statements. You are not normal, normal statements do not apply to you

Ilivedbitch: May

AllBiMyself: Ash

Ilivedbitch : May

AllBiMyself : Ash

Toomanythoughts: Clemont

Toomanythoughts: Now shut up

RealMagicalGirl: Ash, when is your next session ista 

Ilivedbitch : Do you really think we’ve crossed that bridge yet?

RealMagicalGirl : ASH

Ilivedbitch: I one in the afternoon. So far we’ve just covered family, we’re taking this step by step because there is so much and it’s just 🙃🙃🙃🙃

RealMagicalGirl: I’m really worried about you

Ilivedbitch: I’m sorry :(((

RealMagicalGirl: Don’t apologize :((((

RealMagicalGirl: I know you’re going through some Stuff™️

Ilivedbitch: Hell yeah I am 🤩

GayorKalosian: Ash, I’m deadass going to drag you to Christmas without any goddamn context and minimal warning

Ilivedbitch: Oh???

GayorKalosian: I am reeling from the fact it took my sister 6 years to tell us she’s dating some dude and by the time she did she’s engaged

Ilivedbitch: I suddenly feel so much better about Uncle Lance not telling us he’s been dating some guy for two years

GayorKalosian: Okay, can I please have an update on that situation? Your dad has said nothing about it since getting the text from Wallace and Steven about it. 

Ilivedbitch: HE FOUND OUT THROUGH WALLACE AND STEVEN??? THE CHAMPION AND HIS HUSBAND????

GayorKalosian: See, that’s what I was confused by

Ilivedbitch: Hold on, I’m going to go yell at him 

*********

Sapling has entered It’s Hereditary 

Sapling: MOTHERFUCKER

Sapling : @ DragonRider

DragonRider and two others have entered It’s Hereditary 

DragonRider: I’m not having this conversation with you

Sapling : You are the first person I ever told I am queer, do not break my trust you asshole

DragonRider: Wait

HonoraryKetchum: Oooh nooo

HonoraryKetchum: 🍿🥤

DragonRider : Gary

RisingDragon: Lance, what did you do now

Sapling: Oh my Arceus

Sapling : Aunt Clair

RisingDragon: It’s been awhile but I’m not the topic here

Sapling: Right right

Sapling: Uncle Lance

DragonRider : I WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TOLD

DragonRider: Oh my Arceus, I am so sorry Ash

Sapling: Why did I find out through Alain that dad was told by Wallace and Steven Stone that you were dating someone for TWO YEARS

DragonRider : It’s a long story and I don’t think we’re official 

Sapling: I’m going to strangle you

RisingDragon: I know I’m your cousin and not your nephew and all, but

RisingDragon: Why in Arceus’s name and I finding out now

DragonRider : It’s not an official relationship yet

Sapling : You think it’s not official 

Sapling: You better not be leading your partner on

DragonRider: Shut??? Up????

DragonRider: Misty literally had a thing for you for four years and you???? Had to be told???

Sapling: Shut up

Sapling: Mom and dad are sappy, but painfully so and I saw it so often before dad left that I thought it was the norm until I met May’s parents

HonoraryKetchum: Sounds like a skill issue

DragonRider : Ash

DragonRider : Four years

HonoraryKetchum: Lance, shut up. He’s 17

DragonRider : Your grandfather will not be your savior, Gary

HonoraryKetchum: True, but Professor Rowan will

DragonRider: Where are Delia and Augustine when you need them

HonoraryKetchum: Having date night probably 

DragonRider: What?

Sapling: Mom’s in Kalos rn with dad

DragonRider: He’s okay with that?

Sapling: Huh

DragonRider: Nevermind

DragonRider: Back to the Stones though

DragonRider: That’s how Augustine found out?

Sapling: According to Alain, yes

DragonRider: I am currently in Hoenn for something 

DragonRider: Clair, if anything happens, take care of my Pokémon 

RisingDragon: Lance, you know I’d bail you out if Delia doesn’t 

DragonRider : After this past week, she’d probably let them lock me up

HonoraryKetchum: Am I??? Am I watching a crime in the making????

Sapling: Multiple if you count what I’m going to do to Lance for not telling me

DragonRider : I promise I’m not leading anyone on

DragonRider: I talked to him about it a few weeks ago. He’s not sure if he really wants to make it official yet. 

Sapling: …

Sapling: That’s far worse

Sapling: Time to ✨commit arson✨

HonoraryKetchum: We still don’t know the guy

Sapling: Fire spreads

*********

OakTree has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OakTree: PROFESSOR KUKUI

Pr.Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

OakTree: Ash is threatening arson

Ilivedbitch: I have an update, my uncle’s “boyfriend” is a bitch

Ilivedbitch: GARY

Pr.Kukui : Ash

GayorKalosian: No no, I gotta hear this

Ilivedbitch: They’re not official because his “boyfriend” doesn’t know if he wants them to be official 

Pr.Kukui: Ash, behave. Please talk to your therapist if this is genuinely bothering you

Ilivedbitch : I don’t know any feelings but rage

Ilivedbitch : Uncle Lance has been there for me through a lot of things

Pr.Kukui: Then talk to Mahina about it, I’ll even text her and give her a heads up if you want

GayorKalosian: Can you do that???

Pr.Kukui: I’m his legal guardian right now and he’s still a minor, both in Alola and Kanto

GayorKalosian:

OakTree: I can see him thinking 

Ilivedbitch: Contrary to half the shit I have done legally, age of majority in Kanto is ✨20✨

GayorKalosian : Oh sweet Xerneas

GayorKalosian : I almost killed you

Ilivedbitch: So did my own uncle, you’re not special 

Pr.Kukui : Ash

GayorKalosian: Honestly, from the stories I’ve been told, I thought it was some obscene age like 10

Ilivedbitch: Yeah, Kanto I funny like that

*********

GayorKalosian has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

GayorKalosian: My brothers are fucking dorks

GayorKalosian has sent IMG48 and three others

Toomanythoughts and five others have entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Toomanythoughts: Uh… who are you??? How did you get into Alain’s phone??

GayorKalosian: His sister, Lucille

RealMagicalGirl: 😨

GayorKalosian: Alain’s password is very predictable if you know him

MistywithaB : @ Ilivedbitch

Ilivedbitch had entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Ilivedbitch: 🧍‍♂️

Ilivedbitch: Leave

GayorKalosian: So mean to your own friend’s sister >:’^(

Ilivedbitch : Leave

Ilivedbitch: There is information here for Alain’s eyes only >:((((((

GayorKalosian: Make me :p

Ilivedbitch: I will stuff rocks in your goddamn skull and let my Charizard shake you around like a fucking rattle if you do not give Alain his phone now 

Pr.Kukui has entered Only Arceus Can Stop Me Now

Pr.Kukui: ASH

GayorKalosian: ASH

GayorKalosian: Answer the phone call, now. Your dad cannot save you right now

Ilivedbitch: Is it really you now?

GayorKalosian : Ash I literally am trying to hide the Team Flare stuff from her still, I am not pleased with her looking through my phone either but you are apologizing

MistywithaB: What type of sibling bullshit is this

GayorKalosian : I’m getting the death glare from my mom right now

MistywithaB: Yeah, that’d do it

Ilivedbitch: Fine

GayorKalosian : Thank you

Toomanythoughts: She’s literally 24, what’s going on

Pr.Kukui: 24 is a very strange age

MistywithaB: Really?

Pr.Kukui: I was 24 once and also, Clemont, aren’t Eris and some of your coworkers 24~ish

Toomanythoughts: Not important

Toomanythoughts: I’ve heard them be told worse

GayorKalosian: Only my mom is mad, really. Lucille blue screened for two minutes before laughing like a maniac. She told mom what Ash said and was not happy

GayorKalosian: My mom is very protective of all of us, you know?

Ilivedbitch: 

Ilivedbitch: My brother in Arceus

GayorKalosian: Ash

Ilivedbitch: Fair enough. I’m scared of my own mom

Chapter Text

Private Messages between Pr.Sycamore and Ch.Lance

Pr.Sycamore : Lance we’ve talked about this

Ch.Lance : It was a slip up

Pr.Sycamore : I don’t need my son worrying about this whole situation 

Ch.Lance : Augustine, he’s not a little kid anymore. You and I know he’s been through hell

Pr.Sycamore : And that’s even more of a reason to not tell him! He’s been through so much, I don’t want these issues on top of it

Ch.Lance : I know, I know. But with Colress and all, I think he’ll find out sooner rather than later. He needs to hear it from you

Ch.Lance : Not Delia, not me, by Arceus not Colress

Ch.Lance : But you. I know part of it is work, but I know most of it is keeping them away from your parents. 

Pr.Sycamore : It’s not that easy. Only others who know are Aurea, Colress, and Delia. I didn’t tell anyone outside of you four

Pr.Sycamore : I don’t want my son, who already has to deal with world ending events and gods, to worry about the possibility that my own parents might hurt him because they’re mad at me 

Ch.Lance : Speaking of Delia, I know she’s with you right now

Pr.Sycamore : I know. I saw the messages. I’m happy to see her, really

Ch.Lance : But

Pr.Sycamore : I still worry they’ll find out. When Ash was in Kalos, there was not a moment I wouldn’t worry that they would be right there and try something 

Pr.Sycamore : I don’t want them to hurt Ash, I don’t want them to hurt Delia, and I know I’m hurting them by keeping them at a distance and I hate it. 

Ch.Lance : Then why did you agree? Why did you become the Regional Professor for Kalos?

Pr.Sycamore : Because I was stupid. Because I hated Castanae, I hated the position she put people like Eris, Thorne, and Helena in. I hated how broken Kalos’s league was because Castanae couldn’t be bothered to learn what she was working with. Bisset put pressure on my to take the spot, Lysandre did, my parents wanted me to do something they deemed “respectable”

Pr.Sycamore : I was supposed to take Rowan’s place. He was going to give it to me or offer me a spot as a researcher at his lab if I didn’t feel comfortable in such a high position. We were planning on moving to Sinnoh. But then Castanae announced she’d be leaving her spot as a regional professor to focus on her research and they put the pressure on me. Rowan tried to help, but I crumbled and accepted. I was stupid and took Castanae’s place knowing I was putting myself in my parent’s reach again and the only thing I could do was keep Delia and Ash in Kanto to keep my parents away from them

Ch.Lance : You really should tell him, Augustine. This is a lot to not tell him. You don’t need to tell him everything, but Ash has a right to know why you don’t want him living in Kalos. He doesn’t know the full extent, he only knows you had to leave because you were given the role. That you had things and people thrusted into your care almost immediately. Some days I wonder what he really thinks of you and the Kalos league. 

Pr.Sycamore : His therapist mentioned it once to Delia and I. He’s resentful of them and he doesn’t like himself because of it. I really do want to tell him, but I can’t bring myself to, I also lose the words and I can’t say anything but “I’m sorry”

Ch.Lance : Tell him all of this. You’re able to tell me so easily, but why can’t you tell them? Why can’t you tell your own son?

Pr.Sycamore : I don’t know, Lance. Maybe it’s because you remind me of Cole, maybe because you’re in a similar position of power, maybe it’s because you’re Delia’s brother

Pr.Sycamore : Maybe it’s because you’re not the one who’s not the one I’m hurting. You’re not the one who got left behind like Delia and Ash

Pr.Sycamore : I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be venting like this. This is my problem not yours, I’m sorry. Just forget about this all

Ch.Lance : Augustine, I’m worried about you. Delia is worried about you. You’ve been on the decline for awhile and it’s not getting better

Ch.Lance : Call your therapist in the morning, ask for a meeting when they have an open spot. We both know you’re tearing yourself apart, Augustine. Delia’s worried, I am too. If not for us, at least for Ash and Alain. They look up to you more than you know and they’re still so young and impressionable. I know Ash still looks up to you, whether you realize that or not

Ch.Lance : I’ll let you sleep, I know it’s late for you right now. Just be sure to talk to someone, Augustine

*********

Private Messages between DeliaK and Ch.Lance

DeliaK : Stop abusing my husband’s sleep deprivation 

DeliaK : Especially so late at night

Ch.Lance : He’s not getting better, Delia. You and I both know he’s on a sharp decline. He needs help and if he’s not going to talk to his therapist, then he’s gotta talk to someone