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The clock read 3:02 as OA lay staring at the ceiling. His chances of getting any sleep before work were slim to none.
He was sure his heartrate wouldn't ever return to normal after today, especially seeing as how he could still hear the nearly fatal explosion on repeat in his head.
..and it wasn't just that. It was the images that haunted him every time he closed his eyes… the images of the massive blast, coupled with the memory of the few terrifying moments before finding his partner crumpled on the ground.
No, there was no way he would be sleeping tonight. At least Maggie, who was curled up next to him with one of his hands gripped tightly in her own, seemed to be getting some rest. OA knew that was only because she crashed after the day's adrenaline wore off.
Engulfed in the silence, he was struck with the startling realization, that if today would've gone any different, he would no longer have her laying by his side. Sure, he knew earlier how close they had come to that scenario, but the longer he thought about it, the more it truly sank in.
The thought nearly brought tears to his eyes, as he couldn't imagine living a life without the brunette that had completely stole his heart. She had quickly become the center of his world, and he wouldn't change that for anything.
He and Maggie hadn't been in a relationship for long, but he could easily say it was already the most serious one he'd ever had. He loved her completely, that's why the thought of losing her scared him more than anything in his entire life… and that was saying a lot considering some of the things he'd been through. It was the truth though, and what made it even worse was knowing that this wasn't the first time he'd come so close to losing her.
His dangerous train of thought was interrupted by Maggie letting out a soft moan. She was starting to stir, and OA knew she had to be in pain. It was dark enough so that he couldn't clearly see her face, but could tell when she opened her eyes.
"OA?"
"I'm right here, Mags." He squeezed her hand, and she moved closer to him. "Do you need anything?"
"No, I'm fine."
He doubted that, but he'd let it slide for now. He knew how stubborn his partner could be.
"What are you still doing awake?" Her voice was still raspy from sleep, and if the weight of today wasn't so heavy, OA could pretend that it was just a normal night between the two.
…but tonight was anything but normal. "I just can't sleep." By now, Maggie was completely curled into his side, and he couldn't help but wrap his arms tightly around her. He needed to feel her against him, to assure himself that she was okay, that she was still with him.
"Are you okay?"
He was going to tell her yes, then hopefully she could get some more sleep… but they desperately needed to talk. Knowing if they didn't do it now, Maggie would find some way out of the conversation later, he reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp. He needed to see her face for this conversation.
Maggie winced at the change of lighting, and OA immediately kicked himself for not thinking about her concussion.
"OA, what're you doing?"
"I'm sorry. I'll turn it back off."
She shook her head. "No, it's okay." She carefully sat up, and OA followed suit, both of them leaning against the headboard.
She obviously knew what was coming, but he stated the obvious anyway. "Maggie, we really need to talk."
"I know," she whispered.
"Th-" His voice broke, and he had to clear his throat before continuing. "This is the second time in less than two months that I've almost lost you.. Do you realize that?"
"Our job is dangerous, OA. Sometimes these situations can't be helped."
He scoffed at how nonchalant she was being. That worried him. "I get that, Maggie, but sometimes it can be helped. You're deliberately putting yourself in these situations."
Something flashed in her eyes, and for the first time since becoming her partner, OA couldn't tell what it was. "Do you think I meant to get shot?"
"I'm not talking about you getting shot. I'm talking about what happened after." His tone was more harsh than he intended, but the memory of her offering herself up to a gunman still burned fresh in his mind.
"OA…" She looked down at her hands, one of which was encased in bandages, not quite able to meet his eyes. "What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to answer my question honestly.. Do you have a death wish?" Just voicing the thought nearly made his heart stop.
Her eyes finally shot up to his. "No, of course not!"
"Then what is it, Maggie?! Why are you always putting yourself in this position?" He was desperate… desperate for answers, desperate for her to see how this was hurting him.
"I'm not trying to get myself killed, I promise. It's hard to explain, but…" She trailed off, as if searching for the right words.
OA stayed quiet, not wanting to push now that they might actually be getting somewhere.
"OA, in our line of work, we see so many people put in life or death situations, people that shouldn't have to worry about those circumstances. I mean, look at the people today that would have been affected by the bomb, look at Colin. These are innocent people that don't deserve to be in that position. I guess I just… I don't know."
"What?" OA was still a little incredulous about the whole thing. "You think you do deserve it?"
She was silent for a few seconds, but eventually looked up with sad eyes that tore through OA's heart. "Maybe I do." In that moment, she sounded so broken, so unlike his Maggie.
He was at a loss for words. What would ever make her think that?
"Look, like I said, it's hard to explain, and maybe I'm being irrational." Now she was trying to brush it off like she always did, but the tears shining in her eyes betrayed her. "I just get sick and tired of seeing so many innocent people get hurt."
"I get that, and I love how much you care, but you don't deserve it any more than they do. I don't know why you think that you do, but it couldn't be further from the truth, Maggie. I'm worried about you, especially now that I know you have this mindset-"
She cut him off. "No, OA. It's not like that. I told you, I'm not trying to get myself killed. You don't have to worry."
"Maggie, look at me." He didn't continue until her chocolate eyes were locked on his. "You do not deserve to be in those scenarios. What gave you that idea?"
"I made the wrong call today. Like I told you earlier, if those people would have gotten killed, it would've been my fault." The pain in her eyes was so similar to their conversation by the ambulance earlier, OA was thrown back into that moment.
He shook his head. "No, that would have been on Dom and his guys. We can't always make the right call in a situation like today. It's just not possible to always get it right." He reached over and grabbed her hand, interlocking their fingers. Maggie held on like it was her lifeline… and maybe it was, because OA knew it was certainly his. "Maggie, you can't carry the weight of the world. I know you try to, but it's only going to break you down… or worse. It could get you killed." He paused, as tears gathered in his own eyes. "I cannot lose you, Maggie, and I can't handle you putting yourself in the line of fire like this anymore. I love you, more than I can possibly say, and there's just… there's no way I could deal with losing you."
Maggie nodded, and now the tears were freely falling for her and him both. "I'm sorry, Omar. I never meant to cause you this much hurt or worry. I promise you, I'll do better. I won't take those chances… because I know how I'd feel if the roles were reversed." Her features shone with sincerity, and OA hoped tonight was a breakthrough.
With his vision still blurred by tears, he pulled Maggie close before covering her lips with his own. The kiss was needy and desperate, and OA never wanted to let her go. He tightened his hold on her, careful of her injuries, and Maggie held him just as close.
When they finally broke apart, it was only long enough for Maggie to murmur "I love you" before she fused their mouths together once more.