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Jun remembered his introduction to Duel Monsters. He’d been flipping through channels on TV, stopping when he saw a huge dragon on the screen. He watched intently, believing it was a new cartoon he’d never seen before, only for the camera to pan to the side. To his surprise, the dragon had been juxtaposed into the real world, and behind it stood a man with neat brown hair and cards in his hand. Jun watched, enraptured, as the man on the screen pointed at the dragon and declared an attack. The dragon obeyed, destroying the monster on the other side of the field. A counter in the bottom right corner fell to zero, and a box appeared on the screen. In it was an image of the man who controlled the dragon. The box read “Tournament Stats” and introduced the man as Seto Kaiba, with nine wins and zero losses. Jun was in awe.
Both of Jun’s brothers seemed to approve of his newfound enjoyment of Duel Monsters. Shoji had taken him to a game store later that week to buy cards. Jun was insistent on getting dragons, even after the shop owner told him the powerful dragon he’d seen on TV was out of reach for him.
“The Blue Eyes White Dragon?” He’d laughed, shaking his head. “Only four were ever printed. And Seto Kaiba has them all. Here, this one’s probably a bit more your speed.” He pulled a card out from under the shop counter and handed it to Jun. It was a dragon: a fat, orange dragon with big eyes and tiny wings. Nothing like the sleek and beautiful dragon Seto Kaiba used.
“This one looks lame,” Jun scoffed.
“He’s not lame,” the shop owner said, pointing to the top of the card. “See how it says Baby Dragon here? He can get older and turn into a better monster. Here.”
He pulled out another card from under the counter. Jun narrowed his eyes at it. It was better, but it was still no Blue Eyes.
“He’ll take them,” Shoji said. “And he’ll take these too.” He tossed a starter deck and a handful of booster packs on the counter.
“Good,” the shop owner said. “Gotta start somewhere, right?”
Jun was disappointed with the low-tier cards at first, but his brothers wouldn’t let him stay disappointed for long. They’d combed various shops and conventions and online forums for rare and expensive cards, all of which went to Jun. For a while, Jun was simply grateful for his brothers’ generosity, but it wasn’t long before he would have to learn that everything comes at a price.
His brothers were determined to bring Manjoume Group to the forefront of society, and as Duel Monsters continued to gain popularity, they’d realized controlling the gaming world was essential to that mission. And since Chosaku and Shoji were fully occupied with politics and business, conquering Duel Monsters would fall to Jun. His brothers entered him in a local tournament at the first opportunity, and Jun spent the night preparing his deck.
He’d entered the tournament optimistic, having played and won games at the game shop on a regular basis. For his first tournament, he felt he duelled well, considering he placed third.
Of course, anything but first wasn’t good enough for his brothers.
It wasn’t the first time Jun’s brothers hit him. He’d been slapped for talking out of turn or showing up in meetings where he wasn’t welcome. It wasn’t pleasant, a blow to his cheek that left it stinging and red for a while afterwards, but any evidence of the injury always disappeared by the next day. When Chosaku dragged him by the wrist into his bedroom, he expected something similar. He expected to be yelled at, he expected a stinging welt on his face for the rest of the day.
He did not expect to be pinned face-down on his brother’s bed and hit with a belt until he sobbed.
The first blow knocked the wind out of him. He hadn’t known what to expect when Chosaku tossed him onto the bed and shouted at him to lay on his stomach. He wasn’t expecting the click of a belt buckle and the subsequent searing pain on his lower back. He’d been innocent up until that day, unable to imagine such horrible pain and violence. The first blow had knocked that innocence out of him for good.
By the third blow, Jun was gasping for breath and tears were beginning to flow down his cheeks. By the fifth, Chosaku’s shouting no longer sounded like words. Jun lost count around ten. When the blows finally stopped, Jun was barely conscious. His skin felt seared and torn from his lower back down to his thighs, and there was a sensation like his clothing was sticking to him. He could only hope it was just sweat and not blood. His face was flushed and soaked with tears, and his eyes itched from crying.
Chosaku set the belt down and took hold of him, lifting him up by the shoulders and sitting him up on the bed. Jun was shaking, the pain only worsened by the motion and being forced to sit up on his wounded backside. He bowed his head, unable to face his brother with his tear-stained face.
“Go to your room,” Chosaku growled. “You’ll stay there the rest of the night. Pathetic losers like you don’t get dinner.”
Jun tried to get up, only to stumble to his knees. It hurt to stand, much less walk.
“I said get out, you little shit,” Chosaku snapped, kicking at Jun’s ankles.
Jun leapt to his feet and limped as quickly as he could manage back to his own bedroom.
Once inside his own room, Jun laid in his bed on his stomach. For a while, he couldn’t stand to do much more than whimper. He felt pathetic. He wasn’t a good Duellist. He was nothing.
Eventually, after an hour or so, the wounds on his back stung slightly less. Jun crawled across his bed to his nightstand, groping weakly for the TV remote. If he was going to be staying in bed all night without dinner, he may as well have something to distract him. He flipped the TV on, and his heart jumped at the cry of a Blue Eyes echoing from the speakers. Instantly, he was laser-focused on the TV, his mind turning away from his pain and towards the duel on TV. No, not the duel: the duellist. Seto Kaiba stood tall and bold, dressed in a bright white jacket and big black boots. Each time he called a move, his deep voice echoed through Jun’s ears and into his very soul. Jun wiped his eyes. Seto Kaiba wouldn’t stop duelling, no matter what. Jun had to be strong like him. He thought of Seto Kaiba as he closed his eyes that night, trying to ignore the ever-present pain. He imagined Seto Kaiba telling him it was all going to be okay.
The next morning hurt in a different way. While the wounds stung less, Jun felt achy all over, but especially where his brother had whipped him. It was like bruises had started to spring up around whatever wounds were already there. Jun took a bath that morning, not trusting himself to be able to keep his footing on the slippery shower floor. Sitting in the tub was not entirely pleasant either, so Jun found himself laying on his side throughout the ordeal. The bathwater was a pinkish colour by the time he finished. It would’ve almost been pretty, had it not been from his own blood. Jun caught a couple glimpses of the backs of his thighs while washing himself, and they were not a pleasant sight. The skin was inflamed, flushed a soft red and tender to the touch. Darker lines cut across the inflamed area, no doubt the areas where the skin had broken and begun to seep blood. Jun felt sick looking at it. He didn’t dare turn around to see the full extent of the damage in the mirror.
Morning brought a strange air to the house. When Jun went downstairs, he found his older brothers sipping coffee as if nothing had happened. Jun didn’t drink coffee, but rather raided the fridge for some juice. The pain of his brother’s beating was making his stomach churn, so he was barely able to do more than lean against the counter sipping his drink. When he looked at his brothers, he had a feeling they could tell he was limping.
“I’m going to the mall today,” Jun said softly.
“Why?” Chosaku snapped back. Jun felt himself flinch. It felt pathetic.
“Because I want a new jacket. Why do you care?” Jun retorted.
“By yourself?”
“Let him go,” Shoji sighed. “Not like he needs any security or anything. No one wants to do anything with our loser brother.”
“Fair enough,” Chosaku agreed. “Go ahead, Jun.”
“I wasn’t asking for your permission,” Jun muttered. He finished off his juice and slammed his glass on the counter.
Jun still ached from the previous day, but at the very least he was able to walk somewhat normally by the time he arrived at the mall. He walked, slowly but steadily, throughout the crowded building. It was true, he did intend to buy a new jacket. He felt like he had to change his style if he really wanted to be a proper Duellist. But he was also at the mall to get away from his brothers. Not that he was scared of them, definitely not, he just didn’t want to deal with them for a while.
He wasn’t really paying attention as he wandered through the mall until he passed a toy store. Jun lifted his head, and a larger-than-life poster of Seto Kaiba was staring back at him. Next to Kaiba was an advertisement:
“Duel Disk 2.5 Launch and Tournament: Win a Duel Disk and new rare cards!”
The tournament was scheduled for a week and a half away. Jun knew he (or rather, his brothers) could afford a new Duel Disk and whatever rare cards he wanted. And he knew now that anything less than first place would mean a painful consequence. There was no reason he should have signed up for that tournament, or any other tournament ever again for that matter. But when he looked into Seto Kaiba’s piercing blue eyes, Jun knew he had to enter. He couldn’t let his brothers beat his love for dueling out of him. Jun entered the shop with confidence, even though every strong step made his wounded muscles throb. It all seemed to happen in an instant, as if something deep in his heart had guided him, and before he knew it he was stepping out of the shop with a smile on his face.
He made a stop for the jacket too, now with the additional motivation of wanting to look the part for the tournament. The shop was expensive, at least for a mall store, but Jun held his head high and acted like he belonged, like his money wasn’t all his stupid brothers’. It wasn’t like he was a celebrity or anything, but the Manjoume Group and particularly the family at its helm were well-known enough that one of the salespeople recognized him as “the little Manjoume.” Jun only hoped that wouldn’t stay his nickname forever, that he’d get a better one once he’d made it in the dueling world.
“What are you looking for today, Manjoume-chan?” the salesman asked, smiling at him.
“It’s Manjoume-san. I’m not a little kid,” Jun growled. “I want a jacket. Something badass.”
The salesman seemed stunned for a moment, then nodded. He directed Jun’s attention towards a display of leather jackets. Jun had to admit, he had good taste.
“Thanks,” he said, eyeing one jacket in particular. It was longer, probably long enough to reach past his knees, and the buttons were shiny and silver. It was the buttons that really sold Jun, as he thought of Seto Kaiba’s own flashy coat. The jacket would be fitting of a proper Duelist for sure.
Jun spent the evening perfecting his deck. He’d studied Seto Kaiba’s duels, and even if he couldn’t recreate the master’s decklist exactly he could certainly learn from Kaiba’s strategy. He kept the TV on in the background, only tuning in at an advertisement for the new Duel Disk. In truth, Kaiba’s technology had never captivated Jun all that much. What he liked about dueling was the strategy, the skill, the thrill of victory, not flashy holograms. However, he still found himself transfixed as Seto Kaiba explained the improvements he’d made to his lifelike solid-vision holograms. Kaiba’s voice sounded more clear than it usually did in tournament footage, and the studio lighting made his soft brown hair and perfect blue eyes shine like the buttons on his jacket. Jun found himself feeling disappointed when the advertisement ended.
He paused then, his cards laid out in front of him, staring off at the wall. What the hell just happened? It was a commercial, a commercial for something he wasn’t even particularly excited about. And yet he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Kaiba’s mouth formed the words, new attack animations that make battles come to life, echoing in Jun’s head in that deep, powerful voice like a message from the heavens.
The feeling which came over Jun in that moment was not unpleasant. It was a warmth, a flutter of his heart; it made his cheeks feel flushed, and his head spun like he was dizzy, but not like he was sick, more like he’d just been on a roller coaster and was having trouble finding his footing again. He recognized the feeling: he’d felt it when he’d first seen Kaiba on TV, when he’d dueled a boy with long brown hair and big dark eyes at school, when he’d walked past a shop in the mall with a large poster advertising men’s underwear. The feeling wasn’t unwelcome. He hadn’t known what it meant before. Maybe if he did, he would’ve pushed it away, avoided that shop in the mall, ignored the dark-eyed boy asking him to a duel, never let himself watch any more of Seto Kaiba’s matches.
But by the time he realized what that feeling was, it was too late. He was neck-deep in it, practically drowning in the wave of dizzy warmth that had been crashing over him again and again while he remained ignorant of its meaning. He felt stupid. He felt sick, a wave of nausea mixing in with the pleasant feeling still clouding his senses, leaving him confused and disoriented. Was this really why he wanted to duel? Was it true that he hadn’t been drawn in by the strategy or the thrill or even the holograms, but by his attraction to a man?
What would his brothers think?
Jun knew what being gay was. He was aware, in an abstract sense, that it was something people could be. That other people could be. Not him.
He’d heard Shoji refer to a rival business owner as a faggot during dinner once. He’d asked what it meant, and Chosaku had offered, smirking, “he likes to screw other guys.” Jun was too young then to know what his brother meant by “screw”, and he didn’t ask. He was old enough now. The next time one of his brothers used that word, he knew what it meant. And he knew it was a bad thing to be.
Jun’s body seemed to crumble underneath the weight of his revelation. He collapsed with his face buried in his sheets, thankfully avoiding his cards. The pain from his brother’s punishment seemed to flare up again, sending white-hot jolts of pain down his back and thighs at the slightest motion. He gripped the sheets tightly and bit his lip, trying not to cry. I’m already pathetic enough, I don’t need to cry too.
Once his deck was assembled, it remained in its box until the day of the tournament. Jun felt dirty touching it now. He didn’t turn on the TV. He didn’t go back to the mall. He didn’t take his brand-new leather jacket out of the shopping bag. If he could just pretend that day never happened, or that Duel Monsters didn’t mean anything to him, or something, maybe the feelings would go away. Maybe he wouldn’t end up being gay after all.
The day of the tournament, he finally put on the jacket. It looked good. He looked strong, masculine, badass. The black fabric reminded him of his brothers’ suits. He felt like a real Manjoume. Jun pulled his deck out of its box and flipped through it. He felt okay. Maybe it really was going to be alright after all.
But as soon as he arrived back at the mall toy store, he felt the feeling come back. That warm, fluttery, dizzy, horrible feeling washed over him again the moment he saw Kaiba’s poster. Jun sighed. He couldn’t back out now, not with his brothers standing right behind him, cold eyes drilling into the back of his head. The wounds from Chosaku’s belt had healed, but Jun still felt a twinge of pain in his lower back. If that was the punishment for placing third, he couldn’t imagine the punishment for dropping out of the tournament entirely.
Jun could only blame himself, really. If he wasn’t gay, if it wasn’t for his stupid fucking crush on Seto Kaiba, he never would have started duelling. He never would have entered a tournament. His brother never would have had to beat him.
It was too late to change that now. Now he was stuck, and he had to duel his best, or he’d end up getting hurt again. It was what he deserved for being a faggot, after all.
Jun won that tournament. His obsessive studying of Kaiba’s duels had apparently paid off. He felt guilty as the store manager handed him his new Duel Disk and booster packs. He didn’t deserve any of this. He was only there because he was a stupid, pathetic little fanboy.
After that, Jun avoided tournaments. He avoided dueling at all as much as he could.
“I was thinking of going to business school like you,” he said to Shoji over dinner one night. The topic of high school had come up, as he’d be starting next year, and his brothers were adamant he needed to start studying for entrance exams right away.
“No, we’ve already got a businessman in this family,” Shoji replied, shaking his head. “You’re going to Duel Academy, remember? We still need someone to conquer the gaming world for Manjoume Group, and Duel Academy is the best of the best. Besides, you’ll be happier there than you would at business school.”
“I… I don’t think I will,” Jun said meekly.
“You don’t?”
“I just… don’t know if I want to play Duel Monsters anymore.”
“You haven’t been playing much lately, have you,” Chosaku observed. “Why is that? Did something happen?”
“N-no, I mean, it’s not that something happened, it just…” Jun sighed, twirling one of his chopsticks between his fingers. “I’ve kind of been… going to a dark place, when I duel, or when I think about dueling. I don’t think it’ll be good for me.”
“Oh, give me a break,” Chosaku rolled his eyes. “You’re telling me dueling is making you depressed or something?”
“No, I don’t mean that at all! It’s just that it kind of… makes me think of stuff. Stuff I don’t want to think about.”
“God, Jun, is this about me hitting you?”
Jun paused. It wasn’t, not really. In fact, he was being sort of untruthful when he explained the problem to Chosaku. Dueling didn’t make him think of bad things. Dueling made him think of incredible things, beautiful things, things he absolutely shouldn’t have been thinking about.
“I told you that was too far, Chosaku,” Shoji sighed, shaking his head. “You’re going to scare the kid out of dueling.”
“It’s not too far! He’s a Manjoume. He can take it.”
“Just because Dad hit you when you were his age doesn’t mean you need to hit him.”
“Well, maybe if Dad had lived long enough to give the runt some proper discipline, he wouldn’t be such a pussy!”
“I-it’s not even about that,” Jun interjected, only for Chosaku’s hand to strike him in the cheek.
“Stay out of this,” Chosaku growled. “Either act like a man and pull your weight for this family, or get out of my sight.”
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t be sorry!” Chosaku grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, nearly pulling him out of his seat. “Be a man and do your part for the Manjoume family. Are you a man?”
“I–um–yes?”
“You are fucking pathetic, Jun, you know that?” Chosaku tossed him back into his seat. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Your brother and I try so fucking hard to give you everything you could ever need, that you could ever want, and you still turn out like this. What the hell is wrong with you? You wanna enlighten me on that?”
“I don’t know,” Jun muttered. He knew. He knew exactly what was wrong with him. But he didn’t dare say it.
Jun felt like he was going to cry throughout dinner. He managed to hold it back until he was safely hidden away in his room, though. He didn’t want to duel, he didn’t want to go to Duel Academy, but if the choice was that or being tossed on the street by his brother, he’d have to. Jun pulled his deck box out of his bedside drawer, where it had sat unopened for weeks. The cards felt warm and familiar between his fingers. As he started flipping through them, he felt that warm feeling in his chest again. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he was attracted to the cards, just their primary figurehead, and Kaiba was nowhere to be seen. If he was going to feel like this every time he touched his cards, he certainly couldn’t duel.
But as he continued to flip through his deck, the warmth diffused throughout his body. He felt his muscles relax, and his tears began to dry. Maybe he was wrong. After all, if that feeling was so wrong, why did it feel so nice? Why were all his memories of dueling, and of watching Kaiba duel, still so comforting even with his shameful attraction casting a shadow over them? There had to be something good there, something Jun could salvage from his pathetic excuse of a soul.
Duel Academy was about what Jun was expecting. A private island, a cushy dorm, state of the art dueling arenas, no surprises there. As an Obelisk Blue, he got his own room, as he deserved. The food wasn’t quite what he had at home, as the cafeteria had a set menu every day and didn’t always have his favorites, but most of it was okay. The other students, however, were a different story.
Not that Jun wasn’t expecting obnoxious kids to be his peers at Duel Academy. While most of the Obelisks had gone to expensive prep schools like him, money wasn’t the only way to get into Duel Academy. With the upper crust all clustered into Obelisk, that meant more than two-thirds of the school had gotten in on test scores alone, and while Jun recognized their skill (at least in the case of the Ra Yellows), their manners left much to be desired. He’d barely been in school a day before he had one of the Slifer Red bottom-feeders hanging off his coattails. Jun managed to catch his name interspersed in his non-stop rambling: Judai. Judai Yuki. It was a name Jun didn’t recognize, and he suspected there was a reason for that. The kid was a nobody.
And yet, Judai ignited feelings in Jun like nothing else ever had.
When Judai dueled, his eyes seemed to shine, his hands moved fast. His mouth moved faster, and yet it was somehow elegant, all of it was elegant, in stark contrast to how annoying he seemed outside the arena. Jun had taken notice during Judai’s exam duel: his heart started to race, his cheeks got warm and flushed, his palms started to sweat. At first he’d brushed it off, thinking it was nothing. There was no way he could have those feelings for this nobody. It was bad enough to have feelings for Seto Kaiba, at least he was powerful and rich and worthy of admiration. Even if Jun’s attraction to him was a bridge too far, there was no harm in admiring him. But to admire someone like Judai Yuki?
Jun had to duel Judai for himself, he had to prove that his feelings at the entrance exam were a fluke. However, once he was actually in the arena with Judai, his stomach was in knots. Judai was beautiful. Jun couldn’t deny it any longer. He was thankful when their Duel was interrupted, not because he thought he would lose, but because he would have collapsed if he’d had to spend another minute with those thoughts swirling around in his head.
He could barely eat dinner that night, even as the other Obelisks encouraged him to partake in the luxurious welcome banquet spread. His stomach was still churning, and the image of Judai’s grinning face hadn’t left his mind. This was so much worse than Jun was prepared for. At least Seto Kaiba was, for all intents and purposes, unobtainable. Jun would never meet him, and if he did, he was nearly ten years his junior. It was just a stupid celebrity crush. It had awakened shameful feelings in him, but as long as those feelings never truly extended beyond Kaiba, they were harmless, intangible. There was no way for Jun to act on them, no way for the sickness in his heart to spill out and ruin his life.
But Judai was so close. If Jun had the courage, or the stupidity, he could have walked right up to him and talked to him, touched him, kissed him. The thought of kissing someone, of that being anything more than a barely-formed fantasy, made Jun’s head spin. He wanted it. It was wrong, and he hated himself for it, but he wanted it.
He tried to keep away from Judai. He had to focus on his dueling, and he just couldn’t when the sight of that boy made his knees turn to jelly. Except bad luck kept on finding its way into Jun’s life, because before he knew it he was slated to duel Judai again. It was hopeless. Jun would always be a pathetic failure, just like Chosaku had worried would happen. He wasn’t even surprised when he lost the promotion duel. When Judai announced he was staying in the red dorm, Jun tried to see it as a silver lining, a sign that his loss didn’t really count, but he couldn’t accept that. It wasn’t the promotion that mattered. It wasn’t even the duel. It was the fact that, in Judai’s presence, Jun seemed to forget everything he knew. His mind was a complete blank, swamped with feelings of hopeless, pathetic love.
Jun couldn’t sleep that night, so he made his way down to the Obelisk arena. He told himself it was for some fresh air, and to be alone with his cards without Judai’s influence, but there was probably some part of him that wanted to get caught in the arena after dark and expelled. Anything for an excuse to quit dueling, to leave Judai and his shameful crush and all his awful feelings behind forever.
“Thought you weren’t supposed to be in here after dark.”
Jun didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. That voice had been welded into his subconscious mind since the entrance exams. He immediately felt his face getting hot.
“I’m not dueling. Just scoping out the place,” Jun growled, keeping his back turned. Judai absolutely couldn’t see him blushing. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh… same as you, I guess. It’s not like Slifer has a dueling arena.”
“Use the Ra arena, then. You did get that promotion, right?”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Judai laughed. “Thanks for the duel, by the way. It was really great.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Hey, if you ever want some advice-”
“I mean don’t mention it, alright?” Jun whipped his head around, figuring the red of his face could now justifiably be assumed to be from anger. Judai was in his pajamas, and fuck he was definitely cuter like that than he was in his uniform, and Jun’s face was only getting redder.
“Y’know, I was kind of wondering what got you into dueling in the first place,” Judai said, taking a step towards him. “Cuz, y’know, you kinda act like you don’t like it all that much.”
“I like it,” Jun growled. “Why do you care?”
“I dunno. Just curious.” Judai shrugged. “See, for me, it was watching Yuugi Mutou duel. He always looked so cool, and I always wanted to be King of Games one day, just like him.”
“Pff. Seto Kaiba’s better,” Jun scoffed.
“I mean, yeah, Kaiba’s good too. Those Blue Eyes White Dragons sure are sweet. Plus, he’s real cute–”
Jun’s eyes went wide.
“How did you know?” he said in a hushed voice.
“That Seto Kaiba is hot?” Judai raised an eyebrow. “Uh, because I have eyes and a brain? Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, I just… sorry. I thought you meant… something about me.”
“Manjoume…” Judai smiled softly at him. Jun felt like he was going to melt. “You can talk to me.”
“It’s Manjoume–um–Jun. It’s Jun.”
“Jun,” Judai repeated, as if testing how the name sounded. (Beautiful, coming from his mouth.) “Look, I know I talk a lot, but I really can keep a secret. And you really seem like you need to get something off your chest. It really does feel better to talk, you know.”
Jun didn’t know why he said anything. Every intelligent part of his mind should have been telling him to just shut up and get out. But, unfortunately, the intelligent parts of his mind didn’t work right around Judai Yuki.
“What you said about Seto Kaiba,” Jun began, avoiding Judai’s gaze. “The thing is, I… I liked him. Like, more than I should have. I always watched him duel, and I even watched commercials for his stuff, just because I liked watching him. Watching him made me feel… it made me feel good. Like, really good. I felt all warm and nervous and my heart would start beating really fast.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Judai said. “I felt like that when I watched him duel. And Yuugi too, honestly. Those pro duelists, man.”
“It’s not just the dueling,” Jun continued. “It’s… it wasn’t just Kaiba. I started t-to feel like that, with other guys. And one day, I was watching Kaiba again, and I just knew. I knew what it was. I liked them. In the way, y’know, like a guy likes a girl. I mean, I like girls, but… I can’t ignore this.” Jun sat down in the arena seat nearest to him. He was starting to feel shaky, like he was going to cry, and he figured sitting down would only make things less embarrassing. Judai took a seat next to him.
“Well, you picked the right person to talk to,” Judai said, smiling.
“Excuse me?”
“Y’know how I’m an expert in dueling?”
“You’re not.”
“Alright, well… I’ve also got experience… being attracted to men.”
“Do you really?” Jun narrowed his eyes.
“Yeah,” Judai said. His tone was still gentle, but he wasn’t smiling any longer. “I mean, I’m gay, Jun. I kinda thought that was clear.”
Jun blinked. He was shocked. On the one hand, because he’d never figured someone like Judai could harbour the same dark secret he did, and on the other hand, because it meant his fantasies about Judai were even closer to reality. Jun pushed the second thought down. He still couldn’t act on that.
“How are you so… happy?” Jun asked. “How does it not eat you alive? How can you even talk about those feelings without wanting to throw up?”
“Because it’s like you said. It feels good. I like seeing a cute guy and feeling all warm and fuzzy.”
“But how do you enjoy it, when you know it’s wrong? When you know everyone would make fun of you and laugh at you and hurt you if they knew?”
“You’re not laughing,” Judai said, shrugging. “And y’know, people laugh at other people for a lot of things. That doesn’t mean those things are bad. People can just like different things. Like, I like elemental heroes, and Shou likes vehicroids, but they’re both good decks.”
“Vehicroids aren’t that good.”
“Okay, well, I like elemental heroes, you like… something good, probably. But the point is, we can like different things, and both those things can still be good. Some guys like girls, and we like other guys. And they’re both good.”
“It doesn’t feel good. I mean, it feels good in the moment, obviously, but I just feel so… pathetic and wrong.”
“You’re not pathetic. I can tell. Between how you duel, and how strong your feelings for Kaiba were, I don’t think that’s pathetic.”
“But what if I told you it’s not Kaiba anymore?” Jun asked. “I like someone else. Someone closer. Someone who’s not just a picture on a screen.”
Judai blinked at him.
“Well, that’d be okay too,” he said. “It’s probably better, actually. I think it’s good to have a crush on someone you actually have a chance with. I mean… do you have a chance with him?”
“You tell me,” Jun mumbled. “It’s you.”
A smirk began to emerge on Judai’s face.
“I knew all the trash talking was an act,” he said. He reached over and took Jun’s hand. Jun gasped. “You like me.”
“Don’t laugh,” Jun stammered.
“I’m not laughing.” Judai squeezed his hand. “I’m just… kind of excited, actually. No one’s ever had a crush on me before. At least not that I know of.” He began stroking Jun’s hand with his thumb in small, gentle circles. Jun felt like he couldn’t breathe. Judai’s hand was soft and warm. It shouldn’t have felt so good.
He felt Judai sliding closer to him. Jun felt his breath against his cheek. Judai leaned in closer to him, and Jun met his eyes. They were shining just like they did when he dueled.
“What are you doing?” Jun asked.
“I was going to kiss you,” Judai replied.
“N-no. I can’t. We can’t.”
“Oh yeah, we probably shouldn’t do that here. Someone might walk in. Or they might have security cameras.” Judai squeezed his hand. “Why don’t we go back to your dorm? I hear the Obelisks get single rooms. It’ll give us some privacy.”
Jun was on autopilot, his mind going blank from the influence of Judai’s shining eyes once again. He led the boy by the hand to his dorm room. Judai was in awe at its size, slipping off his shoes and leaping into the big plush bed.
“Yeah, make yourself at home,” Jun said sarcastically.
“Hey, there’s room for two in this thing,” Judai said.
Jun stared at him.
“I’m serious, Jun. Lay down with me.”
Jun did so, taking up a spot at the edge of the bed. He was stiff as a board. Judai rolled into his side and looked at him, smiling.
“Come here,” he said softly. “You look like you’re about to fall off.”
Jun slid ever so slightly closer to him. Judai reached up and gently laid a hand on his cheek. Jun blushed.
“You’re really warm,” Judai whispered. Of course that only made Jun blush harder.
“I’m nervous,” Jun replied. “I still feel like… like we shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Why not?”
“I dunno. I mean… my brothers always told me how much they want me to be a man. I want to be a man. I don’t… I don’t want to be a faggot.”
Judai paused, his hand becoming hauntingly still on Jun’s cheek.
“Did your brothers call you a… that word?” he asked. His eyes were wide, but in a different way than usual. He looked sad. Jun felt guilty for it. He hadn’t meant to upset Judai.
“No. Not me,” Jun replied. “They don’t know… how I feel. I’m scared if they knew, they’d… I don’t know. They can’t ever find out.”
“Jun, it’s okay,” Judai whispered, stroking his cheek gently. “They won’t. You’re safe here, okay? You’re allowed to have feelings. It’s okay.”
Jun shifted closer to him. Judai felt warm and safe, and Jun needed something warm and safe. He needed to stop thinking about his brothers.
As soon as he was close enough, Judai lifted his head and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. Immediately, Jun felt tears welling up in his eyes. Judai laid back down, looking at him with his smug little grin, until Jun began to cry in earnest, tears dripping down his face onto the pillow.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Judai said softly. “I-I shouldn’t have kissed you—“
“No, it’s fine,” Jun muttered. “It was good.” Too good. I don’t want to feel like this.
Judai draped his arm over Jun’s shoulder. He rested his hand on Jun’s back.
“Please don’t cry,” Judai whispered, rubbing Jun’s back softly. “I don’t want you to be upset.”
Jun sniffled. He shifted closer to Judai until their bodies were flush with one another, until he could rest his head in the crook of Judai’s neck.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Judai asked.
“No,” Jun replied, his voice still shaky with tears. “Please don’t leave.”
“Okay. I’ll stay.” Judai nuzzled his head into Jun’s hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
His hand continued moving in gentle circles on Jun’s back. Jun stayed exactly where he was, pressed against Judai’s soft form. There was still a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, something telling him he shouldn’t feel safe and comfortable snuggled up against a boy like this. But it was wrong. It had always been wrong. Nothing had ever felt better than Judai’s body against his own. He wanted to sleep like this every night of his life. He wanted to hold onto Judai and never let go.