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One night, while cuddling after dinner and before falling asleep, Bucky and Blake are quietly talking in their room. At first, their conversation topics regard nothing important, but as the minutes go by, it gets deeper and deeper.
Eventually, they end up touching more sensitive matters, and Summers takes the opportunity to ask something she has been wondering about for a long time. Something she couldn’t ask before because of either lack of trust or lack of good enough timing.
“Have you ever considered taking your own life? After everything you went through and the pain you endured, I can’t help but wonder about it,” she quietly asks while enjoying the warmth provided by her boyfriend.
Upon hearing that, and although a little surprised by the question, Barnes can’t help but feel worried about the possibility that she’s asking such a question because she went down a similar path. Knowing her backstory and the traumas that plague her from her past, she might have thought about it despite the lack of memories at the time.
After all, she used to wake up screaming at the horrible visions that haunt her mind at night. When the nightmares became too much to bear and there was no one around, death might have seemed a viable option just to stop the pain. He’ll ask about that, but first, he’ll have to answer her question.
“I did, a lot, after breaking free from Hydra’s grasp,” he briefly replies, still finding the subject rather painful to talk about.
Nevertheless, he recognizes how important it is to discuss it, especially if he isn’t the only one that ever felt that way. The possibility of Blake finding herself down that dark path is enough to upset the man.
“I see. Then what reasons did you find to not do it?” Blake asks with a hopeful curiosity lacing her words.
The question takes Bucky aback at first, but he considers it rather pleasant to answer. After all, it’s better to name the reasons he has to live than the reasons he has not to.
“At first, it was only Steve. Finding that despite all the time that passed I still had someone from my previous life, and someone so important to me at that, was enough for me,” explains Barnes, with a wistful air of remembrance at mentioning his life before the war.
“Is it still the same? Or have you found other reasons to add to that one?” The girl further probes, finding an odd comfort at discussing such a gloomy subject.
“I have, fortunately. Steve’s still a big part of my motivation to keep living. But, you are as well, if not even a bigger part,” he assures her while smiling sweetly.
“I’m thankful that I get to play a part in that. I’ll try to do my best to keep it that way,” promises Blake, her cheeks taking on a rosy color.
“I like that, although I don’t think you’ll need to try too hard to succeed”, affirms a confident Bucky. “What about you, though? Did you ever have those thoughts too?”
No matter how much Buck dreads the possible answer, he needs to know if his suspicion about his girlfriend is right or wrong. He wishes to be wrong, yet he already fears that his guess is correct.
“Yes, for some time. Mainly when I was held captive in the lab. But after escaping, even though I had no one yet back then, the desire to see the world I was kept from as well as learning about my past were enough to fuel my will to live.”
Even that particular event is similar in both of their lives, considering that after escaping the organizations that held them prisoners they both spend some time alone trying to reconnect with the world. However, the end result was somewhat different in their cases.
While Barnes began to consider suicide after breaking free (basically because before that he was under such heavy mind control that he couldn’t even consider it, to begin with), the opposite happened to her.
“However, nowadays my reasons have changed, and they resemble yours more. You and everyone else on the team are my reasons to live. That and the opportunity to help and protect people,” cheerfully admits Blake, a happy smile drawing the corner of her lips upward.
After hearing his girlfriend’s confession, the Sarge can do little more than hug her tightly and give her a gentle kiss on her forehead. Despite all the pain and suffering, he is thankful to have been given a second chance, not only to remain alongside Steve, nor even to redeem himself by being part of the Avengers, but to be able to be a part of Blake’s life.