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“You alright, Shepard?” Garrus asked, knowing what the answer would be, but the question begged to be asked. His friend was in Mission Mode, as some of the crew members on the old Normandy used to say. The only way you could gauge Shepard’s mood when on this mode was by the look in his eyes. But even then you’d have to be able to notice the tells.
Shepard nodded once and looked away, quickly enough that Garrus couldn’t quite get a read. But this time, he didn’t really need to look at Shepard’s face. Not when he seemed to have developed a new nervous tic.
Only way to do this was to pull a Shepard, really. So Garrus went on, “I was only asking because you’ve checked your pistol three times now. I don’t think it changed since the last time you checked, oh, three seconds ago?”
At any other time, Shepard would roll his eyes or even grin sheepishly at Garrus. This time, he set the Phalanx down but the blank look never left his face. The last time he was like this was right after Virmire, after they lost Ashley.
“I…” Shepard shook his head, and slowly the emotion began to show on his face. Garrus saw frustration and fear, mostly fear. And Shepard didn’t do fear, not unless it had something to do with the people he cared about. He’d go charging headfirst into danger, not even caring that under that armor was a flimsy human body that can be easily torn apart.
“What the hell is he doing in Horizon, Garrus?”
And there it was, out in the open at last.
Shepard always skirted around the issue of Kaidan, even though it was as obvious to everyone who knew them that they cared about each other. The only two people who didn’t know were Shepard and Kaidan.
“It’ll be fine, Shepard. Kaidan knows how to take care of himself.”
“Against the Collectors?” Shepard asked, incredulous. Garrus twitched, knowing that he shouldn’t have said that. “Against Seeker swarms?” Shepard shook his head.
“He’ll be alright, Commander. He knows you’ll kick his ass otherwise.”
It helped a little, even though Shepard’s laugh was shaky at best.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
Garrus didn’t have to ask how it went. He knew because Jacob had made himself scarce as soon as he heard the shore party was heading back. Probably had advance notice from Miranda, given the fact that Jacob barely left the armory.
He also knew because of the way Shepard practically ripped his own armor off. Could tell that Shepard was about to throw away his weapons as well, but he hesitated at the last moment, probably realizing how dangerous that would be. Wouldn’t want to toss a heavy pistol only to have it discharge accidentally.
Being shot in the face wasn’t something Garrus would recommend to anyone.
“Commander?”
Shepard’s knuckles were white from where he was clutching at the table. His entire frame was shaking. From fury or grief, Garrus didn’t know. He and Joker saw the vid, had hacked into the Cerberus system to catch a glimpse of what went down on Horizon. He heard every single thing that Kaidan and Shepard exchanged, saw them both walk away wounded.
When the words finally came out of Shepard’s mouth, they were spat out, like they were covered with rusted nails and thorny wires, “he said I betrayed the Alliance. That I…shit.” He shook his head once and then pushed away from the table.
“Fuck!”
“He didn’t give you a chance to explain.”
“I don’t think he even believed I’m me. Not really,” he shook his head, laughed. And it was like Virmire all over again. Except Kaidan was walking and talking and breathing. But Shepard lost him all the same.
Though, if Garrus thought about it, this was probably worse than Virmire. Because Shepard and Ashley had been friends, sure, but the tentative relationship he had with Kaidan was something else entirely. And it looked as if Cerberus’ influence had poisoned it, maybe broke it for good.