Work Text:
MERCY
"How to join Overwatch again even though it was probably a mistake"
"How to get your stupid teammates to stop running around so I can heal them”
“Overwatch was a mistake”
"How to ask someone out."
"HOW TO ASK WOMAN OUT"
"HOW TO ASK WOMAN OUT AS A WOMAN IM NOT STRAIGHT IM A WOMAN IM A GAY WOMAN"
"HOW TO ASK LESBIAN OUT AS A WOMAN IM NOT STRAIGHT"
"my crush has really nice mucsles and i'm crying”
"she looks so GOOD h,w"
"I have made many mistakes in my life but I am too scared to even try to fix them."
"how to ask girl if you can feel her arm but gayly"
“Messes with the natural cycle of life and death on a daily basis”
"my crush is so beeffy she can't fit through my office door sostiemstis"
"Coworkers back from the dead and one is half-dead and it might be partially my fault"
"yes homo"
"Are we dating (for gay women)"
"My girlfriend's mom came back from the dead and she doesn't know I'm dating her daughter"
Dear Angela here tried to bring Reyes back to life but in the process fucked up so badly he became the ghost we know and love today. Good job, Doctor. I’m sure you’re very proud.
MCCREE
"cowboy memes"
"good cowboy memes"
"how to make a meme"
"how to tell if boy is my boyfriend"
"how to ask someone out"
"how to ask someone out (for men)"
"how to ASK A MAN OUT AS A MAN IM NOT STRAIGHT"
"HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT -GAY"
"HOW TO GAY"
"cowboy memes"
"western vs country music"
"neon genesis evangelion opening"
"how to get your coworker to stop sleepdarting you"
"how to stop crying when i think about dogs"
"a dog licked my face today am i in heaven"
"my boyfriend walked into the room holding a puppy in each arm i'm pretty sure i died"
"...is boy my boyfriend yet if he offers me dog"
How did you even end up with Deadlock, Jesse? Did your parents let you run around like that shooting people? Did you know your parents?
Well, I guess he has Reyes.
Or had Reyes, depending on how you look at it.
PHARAH
"How to join Overwatch"
"Is it legal to call myself part of Overwatch"
"How to get from Giza to Gibraltar without a car or plane or boat"
"Can I run to Egypt to Spain"
"Can I run to Egypt to Spain if I am really buff"
"How to reintroduce yourself to people you met when you were 12"
"I knew this really cute girl when I was 12 and she was nice to me and now we're both adults how do I ask her out"
"Can't fit though my crushes door because I'm so beefy"
"Do girls like power armor with rockets"
"How to lift weights in a way that makes girls like you"
"How to ask a woman out"
"PLEASE HELP I'M GAY"
"My mom is alive even though I thought she was dead"
"My mom keeps walking in on me and my girlfriend (gay)"
Is Overwatch exactly how you imagined? All of those people you looked up to, is it just how you wanted? Was it worth throwing your life away? You do know half of these people ran away, right?
WINSTON
"How to recall Overwatch"
"How to get teammates to stop using emergency channel for memes"
"How to fire people you technically never hired"
"How many bananas does a gorilla eat in one day"
"If you're a hyperintelligent gorilla can you eat more than the recommended amount of bananas"
"Why do people keep faking their own deaths"
Never met Harold Winston, but he seemed like a decent enough guy. Too bad about the whole moon gorilla rebellion thing. LOL.
GENJI
"My brother keeps breaking into my room to leave food and while i appreciate it i cant eat and it would be better if he just apologized"
"How to name attacks but in a cool way"
"Sword tricks"
"How to tell a man to stop finding more and more convoluted ways to apologize to you before he throws himself off a bridge"
"How to throw a man off a bridge"
"And let him live i guess"
"How to be really cool in everything you do"
"How to be cool"
"How to be super cool"
"How to be the coolest"
"How to be cooler than pharah who is pretty cool and has muscles and stuff"
"How to roast"
"How to roast (not bbq)"
"How to roast (not bbq) so your mom is proud of you"
"Genji shimada cool?"
"Which overwatch agent are you personality quiz"
"How accurate are personality quizzes"
"How many dogs can i help my brother smuggle into an overwatch facility before the hyperintelligent gorilla stops us"
"How to confess to cute dj medic revolutionary"
"Whos really nice as well"
"Lucio correia dos santos gay"
"The rumor come out: does lucio is gay?"
Heres a fun story
When genji was sixteen he killed someone for the first time
His father handed him a gun and told him to kill a man who had been stealing shimada information
Ill give him this though
He hesitated for at least ten seconds
hanzo
"Apologizing for dummies."
"How to tell if someone is flirting with you"
"Cowboy."
"What does "happiness" feel like."
"What is an emotion."
"How to stop emotions"
"Best memes 2009."
"Is a cowboy a boyfriend."
"How many dogs can I smuggle into an Overwatch facility before I am caught."
Who do you blame for your brother’s death? Is it your family? Is it Genji?
Hahahaha.
Don’t kid yourself.
I think we all know who’s fault it was.
76
"everyone thinks i'm dead how do i keep it that way"
"how to hide secret identity"
"best ways to cut apples"
"ex who i thought was dead is actually not dead"
"jack morrison shouldn't have been promoted to strike commander"
"golfing tips"
"overwatch conspiracies”
"nearest golf course"
“who was behind overwatch fall”
"best golf course local"
"how to unbreakup with someone"
"how to get your coworker to stop sleepdarting you"
"21 pilots greatest hits"
"how to get coworkers to stop making fun of your music tastes"
"are my coworkers making fun of me because i can only speak one language"
"how to get stickers off of visor"
"how to establish dominance as cooler mentor"
“how to accept that you aren’t the cooler mentor”
"updog?"
"dog that is up"
"WHAT IS UPDOG"
"i"
"i just got it"
i know that reyes and mccree were investigating all they could about what was happening at overwatch, but commander here didn’t even believe them.
the clues were right in front of him, but he couldn’t even put two and two together!
pretty ironic, isn’t it?
lúcio
"how to care for frogs"
"how to incite rebellion"
"frog videos"
"best ways to be a friendly but good leader for a revolution"
"baby frogs"
"TADPOLES"
"vishkar problematic"
"how to callout vishkar online while maintaining my chill persona"
"how to break into vishkar again"
"how to confess to cool cyborg man"
"how to stop gentrification and also maintain chill persona"
"how to be the best sjw"
im sure those vishkar people you killed had family
just like you did
REINHARDT
"hasselhoff lore"
"is hasselhoff actually dead"
"hasselhoff conspiracy theories"
"hasselhoff cryptid"
"hasselhoff sightings"
"how to be a cool grandpa"
"hasselhoff discography"
"people i thought were dead arent"
"how to get over funerals that were apparently fake"
"does this mean hasselhoff could still be alive"
"how to convert to facebooks 2040 layout because it was better"
"how to get facebook to stop changing layout"
"how does facebook exist in 2060 still"
"WHY does facebook still exist"
"every movie hasselhoff was in"
"sharknado the 4th awakens"
"german naruto dub"
oh, reinhardt. you were such a hero, werent you? and yet youre still going after everyone around you has died.
get a grip, old man.
MEI
"ice puns"
"how to confess my love to a really buff girl"
"ice puns"
"gay ice puns"
"AHHHHHH MY CRUSH SAW ME LOOKING AT HER IN THE GYM!!! WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO"
"i love my big girlfriend with my whole heart"
"my girlfriend keeps on lifting me up when i'm trying to work!! i'm proud of how strong she is but she keeps interrupting me!!!"
"30 years of memes"
"best blankets"
"cute polar bears"
"how to confess to a cute girl who is good at hardlight engineering"
"good pizzas for dates"
"i love my girlfriends!!!!"
"one of my girlfriends keeps on accidentally breaking the kitchen appliances i made for her because she is so strong and she looks really cute when she apologizes!!"
do you miss your lab partners, doctor?
you were stuck in there so for long
everything’s changed, doctor.
D.VA
"how to join overwatch even though it's illegal"
"how to enforce my own gayness when literally every person i work with is also extremely gay"
"how to be gayer than gayest"
"but first we need to talk about parallel universes video loop"
"hana song rankings starcraft II"
"how to get my viewers to stop asking me to play league"
"cool socks"
"cool bunny socks"
"cool bunny THEMED socks jesus"
"bootleg d.va merchandise"
"fareeha amari"
"ana amari"
"jack morrison"
"gabriel reyes"
"100 ways to cook shin ramen"
"hana song"
"how much kbbq can i eat in one sitting without dying"
"kbbq world record"
"d.va fanfiction"
"where to buy bleach"
"how to tell followers you're gay"
"lucio's birthday"
"frog merchandise"
"cool frogs"
"can i ship frogs internationally"
"lucio memes"
"d.va memes"
"the rumor come out: does hana song is gay? yes"
"adopted like twelve siblings"
brought onto the front lines at 16
you watched your best friends die before your very eyes
paraded around by the korean military like a show dog on display
you’ve come face to face with death, yet you still act like it’s all a game
i wonder how you do it, hana song.
i wonder how much you miss your fathers.
REAPER
"Broadway greatest hits"
"How to look cool and edgy on purpose"
"Overwatch recall"
"Overwatch agent locations"
"Ex-boyfriend who I probably accidentally killed isn't actually dead"
"What happened during the overwatch bombings"
"Can I type in bold in google"
"No ahora por favor meme"
"How to rehire someone you scared off with memes that were too advanced"
"How to get coworkers to think you're cool"
"Can I still wear heelies if I'm dead"
"Am I still cowboy's dad if I died"
"How to establish dominance as cooler dad"
"Broadway greatest hits"
"Evanescence greatest hits"
"It's in the refrigerator video"
Sometimes I wonder who you’re really loyal to, Reyes.
WIDOWMAKER
"Emotions 101"
"Girl who I am attempting to kill is attractive"
"Tracer"
"Lena Oxton"
"Chronal Dissociation?"
"Gérard Lacroix?"
"Who is Gérard Lacroix"
"Amélie Lacroix"
"How to be attractive and also murderous"
"What is a femme fatale"
"Ideal bra for sniping"
"Supposed to not have emotions but girl is cute"
"Is it okay to give gifts to person you tried to kill if you have a crush on them"
"Coworker keeps sending bad memes"
"Can I kill my coworker if he is mostly dead already and has no other friends"
"How to join Overwatch"
"How to keep pet spiders"
"Spider pet names"
“Pet spider enclosure”
"Harold good spider pet name?"
Do you regret what you’ve done, Widowmaker? Do you regret killing him?
Do you even remember it?
Do you even know who you are? Amélie Lacroix? Widowmaker? Are you even anyone at all?
SYMMETRA
"Vishkar problematic?"
"How to join Overwatch"
"How to get teammates to trust you"
"Teammates are loud and obnoxious"
"Teammate keep misusing her gun how to correct her"
"Teammate attractive"
"Teammates attractive"
"What is a crush"
"How to know if you have a crush"
"Was I asked to go on a date?"
"Am I in a relationship?"
"I love my girlfriends a lot?"
"Girlfriend keeps breaking kitchen appliances and I can't focus whenever I'm rebuilding them because she is very strong"
You’re scared, aren’t you. That you’re just another tool to them. That you’re just being used. That you’re just some puppet to be strung around for your talents, and that no one will ever care about Ms. Satya Vaswani.
ZENYATTA
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Whale noises 12 hours"
"Cute whales"
You never got a proper farewell to your brother, did you?
ZARYA
"Cute scientist who i want to be my girlfriend"
"Help my girlfriend keeps being really cute"
"Snowflake glasses gift for girlfriend"
"Is weightlifting record still held by zarya"
"Another cute scientist who i want to be my girlfriend"
"Cute scientist who knows a lot about my weapon"
"Are pizza dates good"
"Keep breaking my girlfriends kitchen appliances"
"Girlfriends built super strong kitchen appliances just for me how to stop crying"
"Gifts for girlfriends"
"Stim gifts"
"Gifts for girlfriend who is always cold"
"Gifts for girlfriend who stays up too late"
I wonder how many people were killed in russia
Were any of them your family, aleksandra?
TRACER
"gotta go fast meme but with tracer"
"girl i like keeps trying to kill me but i think she likes me back"
"cheeky nandos"
"gay how to confess to girl on the battlefield"
"gifts for femme fatales"
"kissed a girl"
"coworker came back from the dead"
"coworker came back from the dead"
"coworker came back from the dead"
"how to get coworker to stop sleep darting my girlfriend"
"disassociation but because of time travel?"
"girlfriend joined work because of memes"
"best memes for girlfriend"
"best memes for girlfriend gay"
"which overwatch agent are you personality quiz"
"i love my girlfriend"
you dont want to disappear oxton
not again
the only thing keeping you from vanishing is that machine strapped to your chest
between you and the slipstream
between you and nothingness.
how long will it hold?
JUNKRAT
"BOMB NOISES ON LOOP"
"WILL IT BLEND BUT WITH EXPLOSIONS"
"CAN I MAKE A TV SHOW LIKE WILL IT BLEND BUT WITH EXPLOSIONS"
"HANA CAN I MAKE A SHOW LIKE THAT WAIT THIS ISNT THE CHANNEL"
"BOMB NOISES ON LOOP"
"MYTHBUSTERS BEST EPISODES"
ROADHOG
"how to get someone to shut up forever without murder"
"baby pigs"
"how to get someone to shut up forever with murder"
"baby boars"
Do you remember anything before the Omnium? DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING WHEN YOUR HEAD DIDNT SPIN FROM RADIATION AND SCAVENGING BITS AND PIECES WHILE THE REST OF THE WORLD LEFT YOU BEHIND?
ANA
"cool masks for vigilantism"
"soldier 76"
"is jack morrison soldier 76"
"is reaper gabriel reyes"
"my friends arent dead unsurprisingly"
"my coworkers who were boyfriends are now trying to murder each other"
"how to get coworkers to stop being dramatic"
"how to make a cool entrance to impress my old teammates and new teammates"
"cowboy son cant dress himself"
"hana song"
"d.va"
"lucio correia dos santos"
"aleksandra zaryanov"
"satya vaswani"
"symmetra"
"junkrat and roadhog"
"my daughter and my old doctor are now dating and i want to let them know i support them"
"ana amari"
"grandma memes"
"death metal playlists"
"kids these days run their mouths like theyre hot shit"
"can i become an online star if im legally dead and a vigilante"
you left your daughter and your team behind
your family
you were alive and you left them behind to fend for themselves
selfish woman
Author's Notes:
[nge voice]
congratulations!!