Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Light is not present at the burning of the Death Note. He wakes up in a hotel room on another continent with only vague memories of the last two weeks. On the only table in the room is a USB stick, a laptop and a note in his own handwriting telling him to watch the video on the USB. He knows what it will tell him before he even hits play.

Later that day when Watari knocks on the door with an offer of food, Light has lost count of how many times he has watched himself explain the details of the Kira case. How he went about murdering hundreds of people. He can almost remember filming it, he knows that he spent yesterday recording something, but he can’t remember saying any of the things in the video. Even so, he knows that it is the truth.

The worst part is that none of it comes as a surprise.

L returns to Amsterdam that afternoon, after having witnessed the Death Note go up in flames in person. Seeing L now... it’s awkward to say the least. Light is no longer sure where they stand. L told Light that he loves him, Light remembers that clearly. And Light kissed him.

When you put it like that it sounds like a love story; the criminal gives up because he has fallen in love with the detective trying to catch him. So why would things between them be awkward? Well, Light is not in love with L for a start. The Light in the video tells him that L made him remember how he perceived Kira when he didn’t have the memories. He gave up because it made him realize that he’d become the very thing he was trying to rid the world of.

Then why the kiss you may ask? He isn’t in love with L and casual sex is hardly appealing to someone who is asexual. Truth is, he did it because he misinterpreted L’s intentions. He thought that the reason L offered him an alternative to prison was because L wanted him. It’s embarrassing that he was willing to go along with that. Even more so, seeing as L turned him down. Spending time with him now should be nothing short of mortifying but, in the end, it's only one of all the horrible things he’s done.

L said that working together will give Light a chance to make amends. As if helping to solve a few murder mysteries would erase his crimes. Still, he accepted.

The Amsterdam case turns out to be a bit of a disappointment, L solves it in only two days. Looking back, Light doesn’t remember much from this particular case, except for how quickly it was over. Although, even if it had been as extraordinaire as the Kira case Light doubts that it would have made a lasting impression on him. He read the case files and went through the evidence with L, but he was never able to fully concentrate. His head was a mess, still is when they leave Amsterdam. Despite not being surprised to learn about what he's done, to be faced with the reality of it has him reeling.

After Amsterdam Light, L and Watari travel to a big American city, he later learns that it is Boston. Here they install themselves in what he guesses is one of L’s home bases. He is surprised to learn that L has something like a home base but, he theorises, this is probably just one of many. The base itself is located in an ordinary looking apartment building in a quiet part of the city. Despite the humble exterior of the building the apartment itself is large and luxurious, it takes up the entire top floor of the building. L and Light have their own separate rooms, each with an attached bathroom.

From the base in Boston they work on multiple cases. Or, at least L does. His home office is the largest room in the apartment. It is dominated by a big, practical looking desk on top of which are more screens than should be physically possible. They are stacked on top of each other all the way to the ceiling, giving the room a futuristic look. The space on the desk that isn’t taken up by screens, keyboards, headphones and the like, is covered in case files, loose papers and candy wrappers. If L was left to his own devices there would probably be a mountain of dirty dishes as well, but thankfully Watari takes care of that. L works non-stop at that desk; he does not seem to sleep. Ever.

There is a second desk in the office, it looks new and was most likely installed shortly before they arrived. However, there is also a desk in Light’s bedroom. He prefers to use that one.

The case files Light works from are heavily redacted. There are no names in them, neither of people nor places. All descriptions which might help Light figure those out have also been redacted. L may be willing to work with him but he does not trust him. Good, he shouldn’t.

Another sign that L doesn’t trust him is that he isn’t allowed to leave the apartment without being accompanied by Watari. Strictly speaking it is a rule stipulated by Interpool, or so Watari tells him, but L has never been one to follow rules set by others. Light has no desire to go anywhere so it is all the same to him.

Sometimes, Light wonders if L feels as uncomfortable around him as he does around L. To be stuck with a person who you are in love with, and knowing that that same person tried to murder you, cannot be easy. The tentative almost-friendship that they formed during the Kira case is no more. Maybe, if Light had the energy to pretend that nothing had happened things would have been fine, but he doesn’t and it isn’t. Their conversations now are awkward and he avoids them when he can.

While L is working non-stop Light is finding it hard to concentrate on anything, most of all the case work. He can never remember any of the particulars of the cases and constantly has to double check details. The reason why is obvious; it’s the lack of sleep caused by the nightmares. The subject of the nightmares shift; he dreams of being locked up in a cell and wakes up with the sound of a gunshot still echoing in his ears. He sees himself stabbing a man without a face to death with a pen. He is holding a strange notebook and writing L’s name, his real name, in it… The nightmares blend together with reality. Every morning, sometimes in the middle of the night, he has to watch the video he left for himself again to remind himself of which parts of the nightmares were true, because, apparently, he cannot trust his own memories anymore. But he deserves this.

Actually, he deserves much worse than this. He was never possessed by Kira. He chose to be Kira. He truly believed that he was doing something good, no not just good, something great. Sometimes he wonders if maybe he was. After all he was killing criminals, people who had done terrible things. He only punished people who deserved it…

It is at this point that he usually catches up with his own train of thought. He feels disgusted with himself for thinking like this. His brain is trying to trick him into justifying his actions but some actions cannot be justified. The murders of Penbear, the other FBI agents and Naomi Misora for example. That is why he cannot allow himself to think like this anymore. The fact that he sometimes does means that he is still the Light in the recording. He is still Kira.

He should be locked up in a cell, not living in a posh apartment in Boston.

Or he should have been executed.

Dying would be a mercy. He does not deserve to die. Or maybe he does… He is afraid of dying, does that mean he deserves it? Even if he did, he is not sure he would have the courage to take his own life.

He used to be so sure of himself, his self-confidence could carry him through anything. Now, he’s sure of nothing, except for one thing: he hates himself.

After about a month into this new life Light almost cannot recognize himself when looking in a mirror. The dark circles under his eyes can rival L’s, his cheeks have hollowed out and his clothes no longer fit him properly. He tries to keep to his old habits, to get dressed every morning, brush his teeth, comb his hair, but some days it all seems so pointless. Sometimes, he doubts even his family would recognize him.

L, who has thus far witnessed the decay with a blank silence, tells him that he should eat more and offers him a large piece of cake. Light takes one bite of the cake and then forgets about it in favour of the case they are working on.
The day after that sad interaction L decides that Light needs to talk to a psychologist. Because, if cake doesn’t fix the situation, then drastic measures are required. Or it might be that Light forgot to eat breakfast again and L simply had had enough. Either way this is how Sarah Morgan enters Light’s life. She is a tall, rather large, broad-shouldered woman in her 40s and Sarah Morgan is not her real name, she informs Light of this straight away in a no-nonsense voice. She also tells him that her working under a pseudonym was L’s idea, and that she disapproves of it. This is yet another sign that L doesn’t trust him.

Light wonders how you can be in love with someone you don’t trust. But who is to say that L is still in love with him? L fell in love with a person who was as close to perfect as Light could force himself to be; beautiful, athletic, smart and charismatic. Now, he’s a wreck.

Morgan visits them at the apartment building two times a week. During these sessions they use one of the other apartments in the building two stories down, Watari escorts Light to and from the meetings. Light briefly wonders if L owns all of the apartments in the building, he never meets any other residents.

Having to subject himself to therapy is humiliating. It only highlights how far he's fallen. But Light accepts this humiliation as part of his punishment and thus diligently shows up to every meeting. Still, he has to guard his words when talking about L as no doubt everything he tells Morgan is getting reported back to the detective.

At first, he tries to play along. This was back when he still thought that Morgan was not really interested in helping him but rather a psychologist who had been thrilled at the opportunity to study the most famous serial killer of all time. He has to revaluate this assumption eventually because the questions she asks does not seem to be crafted to better understand the thought process behind his actions as Kira. It is so much worse. The questions always seem to lead to subjects he does not wish to discuss. Like for example his need to be perfect, his lack of an appetite and how many times he has watched the video he left for himself on the USB.

After the first two sessions she prescribes sleeping pills. Light hates those, they make him feel drowsy and strange in the mornings. After four sessions he is prescribed antidepressants.

Morgan encourages him not to watch the video and instead try to trust in his own memories. She thinks that he is overly dependent on the video, that him watching it more than once every day is unhealthy and obsessive. She does not understand that he has to watch it because he has to remind himself of what he has done, or he might forget and become Kira again.

“Are you sure that you’re not just needlessly punishing yourself?” Morgan asks him.

“Needlessly?” he wonders aloud. “I killed hundreds of people and despite confessing I’m not even in prison.”

This leads to a whole new avenue of questions: “What do you think punishing yourself will accomplish?” “Do you think that maybe your lack of appetite is you subconsciously punishing yourself?” “Are you afraid of losing your memories again if you don’t constantly remind yourself of what happened?”

When Light enters the room the next session Morgan hands him a notepad and instructs him to, word for word, produce a transcript of the video. Light obeys. When he starts to write his whole body is tense. He feels an intense need to double check every word he puts down on paper, just to make sure that he hasn’t forgotten anything important, and the fact that he can’t makes his skin crawl. But the more he writes the easier it gets. After he is finished Morgan tells him to go and get the USB with the video. She has Light watch it while reading along with his transcript.

Turns out Light knows the video by heart. Hell, he could probably recite it in his sleep, who knows maybe he does. For every word he gets right he feels a little lighter and a little more confident in his ability to remember.

He also feels tricked because he can tell what Morgan is trying to achieve and yet it is working. At the end of the session, she hands him the USB back. She says that she understands that it is a sort of safety net for him, not just a way to punish himself, but, again, encourages him not to rely too heavily on it. He resents her for that, maybe because it is true, but she has also earned his respect.

However, therapy is still exhausting. It consumes most of what little energy he has making it even more difficult to concentrate on work which in turn makes him feel increasingly guilty. Thus far he doesn’t feel like he’s contributing to solving the cases, he’s only helpful in way of validating L’s theories by coming to the same conclusions, or giving L someone to bounce ideas off. Still, he gets up, almost every morning, gets dressed, takes his medication, and joins L in the study to receive new, heavily redacted, case files. He takes the work with him back to his bedroom.

One morning, a little over two months after they arrived in Boston, Light enters the office to find L missing. He stops in the door, dumbfounded, while his brain, still drowsy from the sleeping pills, struggles to catch up to the scene before him. L is always in the office; he is there when Light arrives in the morning and he is there when Light leaves at night.

It is completely illogical but Light’s first thought is that L is dead. Light must have written his name in the Death Note before losing his memories again. The thought brings with it a wave of panic, it washes over him, threatens to pull him under, makes it hard to breath…

A small noise from behind has him whirling around, eyes a little wild, almost losing his balance.

L is standing in the door to his bedroom, hair even messier than usual but the dark circles under his eyes are less pronounced. It makes him look a little more human. On seeing Light, L freezes. Light would feel awkward about staring at L but it's such a relief to see him alive that he doesn’t even care. Air returns to his lungs and he takes a calming breath.

“I was sleeping,” L says, giving Ligh a confused look. “Contrary to popular belief I'm human and I do require sleep.” He cocks his head at Light, seemingly waiting for a reaction.

“Oh,” Light says intelligently.

L looks away and Light gets the distinct feeling that he disappointed L by not reacting in the correct way. It was maybe supposed to be a joke, he thinks as he follows L into the office. Or maybe L is annoyed by his silence.

“You’re not going to have breakfast?” he asks.

“Are you?” L looks at him with raised eyebrows. “Or have you already eaten?”

“No,” It feels like L has caught him doing something illegal, like not eating somehow amounts to him breaking the law. He expects L to tell him off, but of course L doesn’t. All L does is nod and walk over to his desk.

“Aren’t you going to tell me to eat?” Light asks, cursing himself the next second for asking such a stupid question.

“No, I haven’t had breakfast either so I am in no position to tell you what to do.”

With that L turns to the computer screens and begin tapping away at the keyboard. After a moment's hesitation Light moves towards the pile of case files precariously stacked by L on his, mostly unused, desk. They are both pretty miserable excuses for human beings, he reflects. All they ever do is work, even eating is secondary. That cannot possibly be healthy but he cannot bring himself to go into the kitchen and find anything to eat, the very thought makes him feel utterly exhausted.

He has only begun looking through the files when suddenly a voice coming from the door interrupts;

“Well then. Since you are both awake now and neither have eaten anything, may I suggest, before you get to work, that we go out for some breakfast?”

Both L and Light startle in surprise, neither having heard Watari enter the room. But there he is, standing in the door to the room wearing the usual suit and, on top of that, an elegant winter coat, looking vaguely disapproving of the both of them. L and Light share a guilty look.

Watari has been listening in on the conversation, Light concludes. He is usually the one who makes sure that L eats, mainly by bringing him food in the office. Light finds the babying annoying and the eavesdropping unsettling. Is Watari always monitoring them? Or is it just Light he is monitoring?

L doesn’t seem to object to the surveillance or the idea of going out for breakfast, he swivels around in the chair almost at once with an agreement and a name of a place.

It’s the first time Light leaves the apartment complex since arriving there a little over three months ago. Right now, it’s the middle of February, something he has only been abstractly aware of until now. Boston seems to be experiencing a cold spell accompanied by clear skies, the sun is peeking above the rooftops. Light takes a deep breath and it feels like the first one in ages. He does not feel free or happy, but he feels a little less weighted down.

L is wearing a too large ski jacket which looks ridiculous on him. It almost makes Light smile.

The place L suggested turns out to be an upscale hotel which serves late breakfast. Here, out in the open, they cannot discuss the cases they are working on, not even in Japanese, because someone might overhear. At first, they eat in silence. It should be awkward but Light is too distracted by all of the people suddenly surrounding him to feel awkward, and L probably doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. After maybe a solid 10 minutes of silence Watari looks up from his newspaper to comment on the tennis scores from a tournament in China that wrapped up yesterday. Somehow, he manages to engage both L and Light in the conversation and, even if it is mostly small talk, it is nice in how almost-normal the entire situation is. Light never imagined that he would have anything resembling a “normal” conversation with L without anything going on underneath the surface pleasantries. The experience makes him feel like he is watching himself speak with L while having breakfast, not like he is actually doing it. When he gets back to the apartment the morning’s adventure feels less real to Light that the nightmares that woke him up that morning.

Gradually, the outside world becomes more real again. Light starts accompanying Watari on non-case related errands. It reminds him of back before the Kira case when Sayu and he would run errands for their mother. Sayu would talk about school or the latest drama in her friend group. In return Light would alternatively offer advice or laugh at whatever trouble she had landed herself in.

He hasn’t talked with Sayu or his mother in over 8 months, not since he was first put in that awful holding cell during the Kira case. He never told them the truth. He just left, leaving his father to explain that he had gotten a job offer from L. The only person he said goodbye to was his father. Thinking about them now makes him feel numb but he has nobody but himself to blame for the fact that he will never see them again.

Unlike Sayu, Watari doesn’t bother filling the silence with small talk when it’s just him and Light. He cannot help but wonder how Watari feels about the situation L has landed them in. It was easy to tell during the Kira case that Watari wasn’t too fond of him and now he’s stuck playing babysitter. The silence should be enough of a clue that Watari hasn’t changed his mind about Light.

The strange breakfast is not the last time Light, L and Watari go out to eat together. Light has no idea if L actually leaving the apartment for a meal is something new, or if he used to do it all the time before they met. Light does find it strange that, before their breakfast at the hotel, L never once went out to eat in Boston, and now they are going out at least once a week. He does not understand what changed and he finds that annoying enough to bring it up with Morgan.

“Well, you have made some definitive progress lately. I think that both L and Watari can see that. Do you think that maybe they are taking you out now because they recognize that you are at a stage where you can handle being outside?”

The words are meant to be encouraging but they make him feel incredibly guilty. What does progress even mean in this scenario? That he is moving on and forgetting what he did and who he is? He cannot be allowed to do that.

Morgan keeps telling him that he achieves nothing by punishing himself. The public doesn’t know that Light used to be Kira and so cannot be upset that he's allowed to continue living his life this way. The people who do know that Light used to be Kira either isn’t here to witness how he’s being treated or seem to think that solving cases while supervised by the world’s greatest detective is enough of a punishment. That isn’t even a punishment as far as Light is concerned, L’s eccentricities be damned. To Light it is not a question of what he is achieving by punishing himself as much as it’s about right and wrong. And for him to be allowed to continue living his life unbothered by the past, after what he has done, is wrong.

The next time Watari goes out to pick up something from the local bakery for L, Light is too busy to go with him. Later the same week he declines going out for dinner, he's not in the mood for eating out that night. Besides, he has to eat the leftovers in the fridge or they will spoil.

Morgan goes back to worrying about his eating habits. Light smiles and reassures her that he has not missed a meal this last week. The suspicion he's met with is surprisingly annoying. According to the Light in the video he used to be an excellent liar. Maybe he lost that ability along with his memories.

Well, at least she has yet to realize that he has stopped taking is medications.

Concentrating on the cases get even more difficult. Light is still plagued by nightmares. They wake him up in the middle of the night. More often than not after a nightmare he has to recite the video to himself, or, after particularly bad ones, watch the video itself. Still, he cannot bring himself to go back on the sleeping pills, much less the anti-depressants. They dull his emotions and make him forget. He does not deserve to forget.

The case work feels utterly pointless, which does nothing to help him concentrate. L doesn't need him here, he was doing just fine without Light, is doing just fine right now without any input from Light. He should not be here. He should be locked in a cell. Or dead.

The week after Light turned down the offer of going out for dinner L suggest they go out for breakfast. Light declines with a prepared excuse and a smile.

“You have problems concentrating, you’re constantly tired and you’e losing weight again. You need to eat,” L says this as if he was stating facts about a case, his tone of voice is as void of feeling as always.

“And what would be the point of that?” Light surprises himself by how tired and annoyed his words come across. It's as if his brain has short circuited and is now stuck on ‘angry’. L always manages to provoke him with his neutral voice and blank face. “Why am I here? I shouldn’t be here after everything I’ve done.”

“We have already had this conversation. You are here because you agreed to work with me instead of going to prison. You made your choice, you agreed to work with me. But right now you are just wasting away in this apartment trying to punish yourself which is very childish of you Light. Solving cases is your punishment, not slowly starving to death.”

The reprimand makes Light even more angry. He remembers feeling this way, back when they used to fight during the Kira investigation, feeling like he wanted to punch something (or someone), to storm out of the room, or maybe both. There is no chain stopping him from leaving now, however, the little dignity he has left refuses to let him act like a child and, by doing so, proving L right when he called him childish just now. Instead, he does what he always used to do, take a deep breath and let L know exactly how annoying and unreasonable he's being.

“L, rehabilitating a serial killer is not your job.”

“That is why I hired Sarah.”

“You are being purposefully obtuse.”

“The guilty party is not allowed to decide on their punishment. By locking yourself away in this apartment and not eating you are neglecting your actual punishment which is not morally justifiable.”

“I can tell that you are trying to manipulate me.”

“Maybe,” L concedes, “but you have to recognize that the way you are judging yourself now is not so different from how Kira used to judge criminals.”

“You mean the way I used to judge criminals?” Light says, L stares blankly back at him and does not comment. “If that was true, I would not be alive right now.”

L flinches. It is almost impossible to detect, the only reason Light is able to catch it is that he was looking for it. Expecting it almost. It does not make it less annoying. Why does L care whether he lives or dies? L is the world’s greatest detective. And Light is… a failure.

“I mean that you are willing to condemn a person before giving them a chance to learn and change,” L counters.

“Do you actually think a serial killer deserves that chance? They decided to kill, decided to end another person’s life. Someone who would do something like that must be truly rotten. Believing they can change is foolish. Allowing for them to keep on living as if they have done nothing wrong is not justice.”

The silence between them is deafening. In it Light can hear his own words echoing and he knows L is right. He sounds like Kira.

Pressing his lips together hard he turns his head away from L. He is struggling to get back in control of himself. The anger is gone, it has been replaced with regret and a feeling closely related to panic. He cannot allow himself to think like this anymore. Why is he still thinking like Kira?! Has he learnt nothing? And why is he saying these things aloud? And to L of all people! He can feel the panic creeping closer. He needs to breath but there isn’t enough air in the room.

“I think you deserve a second chance,” L says quietly. He sounds sad.

Light cannot handle this right now. It is not until he hears the door to the apartment slam shut behind him that he realises that he’s run away. A part of Light wants to continue running but another part reminds him that he is not allowed to leave the apartment on his own. The result is a compromise, Light sits down on the stairs leading down from the floor of the apartment.

He thought he was different now compared to when he was Kira. Sure, he has to check himself sometimes when he is trying to justify Kira’s behaviour to himself, but that means he knows that what Kira stands for is wrong. Turns out he still subscribes to the same ideals that allowed for him to act as Kira. Not so different after all. He feels disgusted with himself.

Until now he must have believed that L would stop him from turning again. What an idiotic notion. There is no “turning”, there is just Light. He does not magically turn into some kind of devil when he is acting as Kira. It is still just him.

He is at a crossroads. Either he accepts that he cannot change and that he's rotten to the core. If that is true then what is stopping him from reverting back to his former self? He no longer has the Death Note, true, but he is still a genius, although a broken one. Maybe he will find a new way of being Kira if he is allowed to keep living like this…

He has been a coward. He is one of the people that makes this world rotten. He should not be allowed to carry on living.
Light envisions himself going back into the apartment, into the kitchen, opening the second drawer next to the refrigerator, picking up one of the kitchen knives and slitting his wrists. The last image makes his mind go pleasantly blank but his gut fill with fear. He stays in that mental image for a moment as the sense of vertigo increases. Then he backs up and turns the idea over in his head, trying to look at it logically. Would it hurt? Yes, his brain supplies, of course bleeding out on a kitchen floor would hurt. He gets the same feeling of vertigo again so he moves on from that thought. Would anyone try to stop him? Yes, L and Watari both. Probably. There might be cameras in the kitchen so they could see him. However, if they are not in the kitchen with him then there would not be enough time for either of them to stop him, provided he does not hesitate.

Would it be the right thing to do?

Kira sure would think so.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before reaching for his phone.

Morgan picks up after the third signal. In as calm a voice as he can muster he tells her that he believes himself to be suicidal. She does not even pause before asking where he is and whether he is with someone. Light answers her questions in a detached voice. He gets the same feeling he had that first time they went out to get breakfast, like he is watching himself from outside his own body.

Together they agree that Morgan should contact Watari. She first offers to call L but Light askes her not to. While waiting for Watari, Morgan stays on the phone with Light, talking in a calm voice, telling him to remember to breathe.

Light sits on those stairs in an almost meditative state, not really listening to the voice on the other side of the phone, and breathes until Watari shows up.

Chapter Text

Looking back, Light isn't sure why he didn’t go through with it. Maybe it was because of what L said, about him deserving a second chance. Or it might have been that he didn’t want to put the life of yet another criminal on Kira’s, on his own, conscience. Honestly, it could have been something so simple as his fear of dying being stronger than his conviction that he didn’t deserve to live.

After yet another evaluation with Morgan and a conversation with Watari they decide against inpatient hospitalization. That would have been the common course of action but, as usual, he is a special case. Morgan asks if he would prefer to move to a different apartment, away from the city. A change of scene can sometimes be beneficial for someone in his situation. Someone who is suicidal. Light declines. Instead, Watari gets tasked with keeping an extra eye on him and all objects that Light could potentially hurt himself with are removed from the apartment or placed under lock and key.

The biweekly therapy sessions double to four times a week. Light reluctantly admits to Morgan that he stopped taking his medications. After a long lecture about the dangers of quitting all at once, instead of slowly over a longer period of time, he is left with strict orders of never doing it again.

During this period, he doesn't participate in any of the detective work. It should make him feel even more worthless, now he's truly just wasting away, but honestly, it's a relief. It's not as if he was contributing, not really, so the work only served to remind him of how useless and pointless he is. Apparently, the only thing he is good at is killing people and getting away with it.

Considering his current position, he wasn’t even good at that.

About two weeks after the phone call on the stairs a new person enters Light’s very limited social circle. Morgan has grown tired of his non-existent relationship with healthy eating habits but, as she points out herself, she's not a specialist on eating disorders. She has L hire another psychologist for him, a Robert Young, who takes over one of the four weekly sessions. Young is a healthy-looking man in his early thirties with lively brown eyes and a beard that doesn't suit him. He doesn't tell Light whether “Robert Young” is his real name or not, and Light doesn't ask.

The first few sessions Young seems much more hesitant and nervous around Light than Morgan ever was. With everyone else Young is perfectly cordial and he seems like an easy-going sort of person, very American. He has clearly been told who exactly his patient is.

Despite his obvious hesitation, Young manages to focus on his job. After the second session he tells Light that he agrees with Morgan’s theory that Light’s habit of skipping meals is linked to his depression and negative self-image. Young follows that up with creating a mealtime schedule for Light. He tries to involve Light in the process but it just seems so pointless. Young doesn’t seem to dare push Light into cooperating so the psychiatrist ends up putting the schedule together on his own. It gets handed over to Watari who is tasked with making sure Light follows it. This means that Watari now has to make sure two geniuses don’t starve to death. Light is not sure whether to find the thought amusing or tragic.

He does feel guilty for forcing Watari to spend so much time looking after him, especially since Watari doesn’t even like him. The guilt makes him at least try to follow the schedule but it proves surprisingly difficult. Everything, even getting out of bed in the mornings, is surprisingly difficult. It is an uphill battle and most of the time Light lacks the motivation to even try. However, neither Watari, Morgan or even Young will allow him the alternative.

Seeing as he is on a break from detective work and L is a workaholic, it takes Light a while before he starts to wonder if L may be avoiding him. It’s not as if they were constantly spending time together before but L would extend the occasional invite to go out and eat together. Him avoiding Light now is most likely due to the fight. Maybe, this is L giving him some space? Or maybe, the fight was the last straw and now L has finally given up on him.

Sitting in the apartment downstairs opposite Morgan he considers bringing it up with her, but he doesn’t trust her not to report it to L. Sighing, he leans further back in his chair. He used to be good at figuring out what L was thinking but ever since they got to Boston it’s been a mystery to him.

“You are sighing an awful lot. Has something happened?” she gives him a curious look.

“Not really, just tired,” he deflects.

Morgan hums thoughtfully as she turns over a page in Light’s journal before changing the subject. “It says here that Robert suggested exercise but that you were against the idea?”

Light sighs again, which makes Morgan give him an amused look.

“I can’t exactly go out jogging by myself now, can I? And I refuse to spend L’s money on training equipment that only I’m going to use.” L has already spent way too much on him, case in point the two psychiatrists he’s hired. When Watari heard that Young suggested regular exercise, he immediately offered to rent a tennis court along with a personal trainer for Light. Honestly, the amount of money they are willing to waste on him is absurd.

“I rather suspect that L is quite wealthy. Spending some of his wealth on another person’s mental health is a worthwhile cause in my opinion.”

“If that’s what he wants to do he should donate the money to some charity. At least then it might go to someone who deserves it.”

“Mental health and happiness are not things you need to prove you deserve. Sometimes one has to work rather hard for it but that doesn’t mean that one is any less worthy of it.” Light makes a face which Morgan promptly ignores. “Now, getting back to the topic of exercise, why don’t you try inviting someone to go with you? That way you share the experience and it will not be money spent solely on you.”

“Who do you imagine I should invite?” It’s not like he has a ton of friends in Boston.

“Well… what about L?”

Light hesitates. He does miss playing tennis and L is good enough to match him. However, seeing as L has been keeping his distance ever since Light got put on suicide watch chances are he would say no… Right?

The initial silence he is met with when he asks L later that day seems to agree with that assumption.
“Forget I asked…” Light begins.

“Sure. It was some time since I last played,” L cuts him off in his usual monotone as he stats to get up from the sofa where he has been reviewing police reports, supposedly from one of his current cases.

Light blinks at him, feeling rather surprised. “We don’t have to leave at once, please finish your work first.”

“It’s nothing that can’t wait.”

So, Watari drives the both of them to a nearby tennis court and they play a game of tennis. It is a nice reminder that Light can still beat L at something. When Watari brings up the topic of exercise the week after L just happens to be in the same room. Light invites him along again. It becomes a regular thing after that.

Some things start to get better. His mood evens out a little as his body gets used to the medication again and he can recognize that the combination of food and regular exercise gives him a little more energy, although he still has trouble sleeping. The sleeping pills make him feel dull and slow. He often opts to skip them since that has no long-term consequences on his mental health, unlike the antidepressants.

As Light gets back some of his energy the boredom returns. Looking out the window of the apartment, down at a busy street in Boston, the April sun warming the concrete, he gets a feeling of déjà vu. The realization hits him that, though feeling utterly bored, he also feels more like himself than he has in years. He is once again the child genius, top of his class, one of the brightest students in Tokyo, with absolutely nothing to pose and actual challenge to him. How large a part did this boredom play in him becoming Kira?

The moment the thought strikes he knows that he has to find something to distract himself with, something that will keep the boredom at bay.

This is how, a month and a half after admitting to being suicidal, Light for the first time in the same amount of time sets foot back in L’s office. L swivels around in his office chair and gives Light one of his blank stares.

“Is it time for tennis practice?”

“No, that isn’t until tomorrow,” L knows this, just as Light knows that the question L really asked was ‘Why are you here’. Still, they have to go through the motions of pretend aloof-ness, even though nobody is looking. Force of habit maybe. Light decides to answer the unspoken question as well “I was bored and so I was wondering if you wanted help with one of your cases?”

L glances at the stack of folders to his right and seems to think for a moment before choosing one and holding it out for Light.

“Could you have a look at this? I have a theory but I would like a second opinion. The case summary and the testimonies are all in there. I will forward the rest to your computer.”

Light takes the proffered file and moves over to the other desk in the room, the one placed there for him. It is completely empty, a stark contrast to L’s desk which can only just be glimpsed below all the electronic devices, folders and general litter. Light sits down at the desk, disturbing the layer of dust which has gathered on the wooden surface as he places the folder on it. He opens it and pulls out the first report.

And freezes.

L has given him the wrong file, he thinks, because this file contains addresses, telephone numbers and names. It's very unusual for L to make a mistake like this. Does that mean that it isn’t a mistake? Could it be a test? Light can feel his heart speed up and his hands are shaking ever so slightly. If this is a test, the correct response would probably be to speak up and point out that there has been a mistake with the file…

“L, this folder…” Light begins.

“Is the one I meant to give you. If you look in the folder for the case on your computer – I have given you access to it – there is a link to a newspaper article talking about the Turner-murders with a rather interesting interview with the brother. Please have a look at that as well.”

Light gives a jerky nod and slowly returns his gaze to the case file. He gets as far as the first actual name of a suspect and then he has to stop because he feels lightheaded. Why is L trusting him with this? Light takes a deep breath in, counting to four. He holds his breath, again counting to four, and then exhales slowly through his mouth.

He shouldn’t be reacting this strongly to something so small but L has never trusted him with anything before – rightly so, Light is not a person to be trusted. So why now? He repeats the breathing exercise but his thoughts keep spinning out of control.

“I should not be allowed to read this,” Light closes the folder.

L sighs, actually sighs out loud, and gives Light a look. “Remember how I said that I believe you deserve a second chance?”

Light swallows and nods. Of course he remembers.

“I realized that by keeping you under constant surveillance, and not trusting you with information, I was not actually giving you one. Both Morgan and Watari agree with me on this. We are giving you a chance to prove yourself because we believe that you will make the right choices.”

Light wants to complain but what can he say? Confronting L about being biased will get him nowhere. If L still has feeling for him, confronting him about it will just make things even more awkward, and, if he doesn’t Light will come across as narcissistic. He hates that they trust him, he has managed to manipulate all of them into believing in him. Still, a small part of him whispers, maybe they see something in him that he himself doesn’t. Maybe he has changed.

He wishes he could believe that part of himself.

It’s too much right now. Light leaves the room, file still open on the desk, to go calm down. It takes over half an hour for his hands to stop shaking. L never gets his second opinion on that case. None of the information for the subsequent cases they work on together is censored. Light gets used to it eventually.

An unexpected consequence of their regular games of tennis is that Light starts to feel more at ease in L’s company. It’s not as if L has changed, he is the same as he’s always been. Although, the fact that he isn’t trying to con Light into confessing that he’s a serial killer makes it easier to get along with the detective. Additionally, L shows no signs of harbouring stronger feelings than friendship towards him which also helps put him at ease. He wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that L has gotten over his feelings. It would make sense, the person he used to be, the boy who L felt drawn to, is gone. Even though he is feeling better than he did a month ago he knows that he will never be that person again. In this context maybe that’s a good thing.

Light starts to spend more time working from L’s office. L shares more of his theories and suspicions related to the cases now, it’s a stark contrast to when they were working on the Kira case together. A benefit of not being the main suspect, Light supposes. It’s one of the main reasons he continues to work from the office; as long as L is sharing information with him, he’s on the right track.

Some of the cases are pretty challenging, one especially has both L and Light stumped. They have been working on it for over a week. A Canadian politician and her husband poisoned at a restaurant when they were out for lunch together. The suspects are the people who works at the restaurant but nobody has a clear motive. They have run thorough background checks on all employees trying to discern if maybe one of them disagreed with the politician’s policies. She was pretty outspoken on the topic of immigration which is always a touchy subject. Thus far they have come up with nothing.

Light is going over the testimonies again. L suggested they try to look at them from a different perspective. They are currently testing the theory that it was the husband the murderer was after.

“Or maybe none of them were the target,” L says, eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. Light guesses this means that he has already gone over the evidence and found nothing that supports the theory.

That doesn’t sit quite right with Light. He glances down at the testimony he’s reading, the waiter’s testimony. When shown pictures of the victims and asked if he knew the names his answer was peculiar. He had zeroed in on the husband, telling the police he had no idea who that man was. Most of the others had mentioned the politician, some knew her by name and others only stated that she looked familiar. The waiter was the only one who had mentioned the husband.

It could be nothing. Then again, they have nothing else to go on.

It takes some digging but he finds the connection.

“What do you think about this conversation?” Light angles his laptop slightly to show L an old chat log from two years ago, pulled from the husband’s computer.

“We already know that the husband had an affair, but that ended a year ago,” L was the one who found that chat log among the deleted files of the husband’s computer two days ago. At that point they had failed to connect it to the case.

“And we know that they were careful. The woman even used a fake name”, Light points at the screen where it says Casandra Mortmain. “That’s the name of a character in the young adult book I Capture the Castle, and guess what the waiter’s soon-to-be ex-wife lists as her favourite book on Goodreads?”

L leans in closer to the screen, biting his nail. Light can see a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“The waiter recently found out that his wife had had an affair with the politician’s husband.”

“Yes, and they were regulars at that restaurant since it's close to Parliament Hill. The waiter could plan the murder knowing that sooner or later he was very likely to get an opportunity.”

“If you're right about this then there should be chat logs on her computer as well. I’ll try to pull those up”

Light watches as L hacks into the wife’s computer in a worryingly short amount of time. Finding the chat logs are easy, unlike on the politician’s husband’s computer they have not been deleted.

“Maybe this is how the waiter found out?” L suggests as they scroll through the conversation, verifying that it is a match.

From there everything starts falling into place. It takes them the rest of the day to piece everything together and gather the necessary evidence but once it's done Light is left with a feeling of accomplishment. It’s thanks to him that they could solve the case today, because he noticed something that L had missed. Light glances over at L, who has just got off the phone with their contact in Ottawa.

“Good work today,” L says, noticing Light looking his way.

“You would have solved it in the end,” Light responds.

“Probably,” L agrees, “But your help is appreciated, though I could do without the gloating.”

It’s typical of L to pick up on that, Light wasn’t even fully aware he was gloating until L pointed it out. His first reaction is bemusement at the fact that L is a sore loser, however, he can feel the doubt creeping in at the edges. The feeling of accomplishment, of having outsmarted both the murderer and L, and the accompanying feeling of pride, reminds him of Kira. Did he feel like this when he manoeuvred around L’s traps, getting away with an ever-growing list of murders?

“Still, you did solve the case,” L cuts through his spiralling thoughts. Light looks over at the detective who is studying him closely while trying to give off the appearance of doing nothing of the sort. “This calls for a celebration. How about dinner? My treat.”

“You always pay for dinner,” Light points out.

L just smiles. After some bargaining (“dinner means actual food L, not cake”) Light ends up agreeing to going to a Japanese restaurant around the corner. They buy ramen and L explains how he hacked the wife’s computer and accessed the files remotely. If Watari was with them Light is willing to bet that he would object to having this conversation in public. All things considered, it’s a pretty fun outing. Only a month ago that would have surprised Light, it doesn’t anymore. This is apparently his new normal.

It isn’t until later that night that Light realizes that maybe L was trying to distract him from his thoughts.

Morgan is happy with his progress but much less vocal about it this time around. He is taken off suicide watch; his razor is returned to the bathroom cabinet along with the knives in the kitchen and his shoelaces.

Only a week later Watari bring another case to their attention. Two murders in Milan taking place withing a week of each other and similar enough that the police have made the connection. However, that seems to be the end of their usefulness. Light and L struggle to work together with them for a week and get basically nowhere. At the end of that week reports of a third murder reach them. They are officially dealing with a serial killer.

Someone dying on their watch is not a good feeling but it spurs them on. They have to work quickly before someone else dies. The feeling of urgency has Light so distracted that he doesn’t even think to object when L suggests travelling to Milan to carry out their own investigation. They solve the case within a week after arriving there and, with the help of some of L’s contacts, catch the killer.

A sour aftertaste lingers even after they’ve closed the case. If only they had acted sooner Maria Santoro would still be alive. It seems to affect not only Light but L as well.

“Aren't you to finish that cheesecake?” Light asks as he closes the laptop for the day. The cheesecake in question was placed next to L over an hour ago but has since then remained untouched, an unprecedented series of events.

“Maybe later.”

“Is this about the third death?”

“It has happened before. While I was working on the Kira case there were far more casualties. I don’t blame myself but... The death of Maria Santaro was unnecessary.”

Privately Light agrees with him, although the choice of word, ‘unnecessary’, annoys him. As if some deaths are necessary to catch the killer. Choosing to ignore that, the fact remains that they screwed up and that the death of Maria is on their conscience. However, saying that out loud will not help L.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks instead.

L gives him a sarcastic look. “Not really. Do you want to play tennis?”

Light was expecting the brush-off and if L needs a distraction, then by all means they can move tennis practice to today. He’s just happy to help honestly.

“You know, the Light I met at To-Oh would not have asked if I needed to talk,” L says in a deliberate offhand way as they leave for the sports centre.

The next case they travel for is in Auckland, the one after that is in Hong Kong. After the Hong Kong case the travelling becomes more frequent, they visit Berlin, Pretoria, Kairo and Oslo in quick succession.

They never go to Japan.

This is how L used to work up until the Kira case, Watari tells Light, but if Light would prefer to work remotely from Boston that can of course be arranged. Light has yet to make any objections to the traveling, it is part of the work after all, so the offer seems a bit off. There are two possible explanations: either Watari worries about Light’s mental health, or he wishes to get rid of him.

Does Watari still worry about L? Should Light also be worried about L? They have been working together for a while now without incident, despite Light having access to the same information L has. L seems to believe that he has changed and he may be right. Light would not deliberately do anything to hurt L.

In the end he declines the offer to work from Boston, he doesn’t examine the decision too closely because that will only end with him convincing himself to stay behind.

While they are traveling Light’s sessions with Morgan and Young are held digitally. Watari makes sure that he follows his mealtime schedule and somehow manages to find Light and L a tennis court for tennis practice no matter where in the world they are. After each successfully solved case, they go out to dinner together. Sometimes Watari joins them but most of the time he stays behind.

“So, where are we heading next?” Light asks. They are out celebrating yet another victory. Light got to pick the place so they are at a small, but nice, Italian restaurant.

L is currently halfway through his third desert but the question makes him pause, spoon hovering in the air above his panna cotta. The small smile he was wearing just a minute ago disappears and Light can almost see how he shuts away behind the carefully constructed neutral mask he so often wears.

“The Japaneese police contracted Watari this morning and requested our help with the Nakameguro killings.”

“You’re going to Tokyo?”

“We are, if you want to go.”

“Am I allowed to?”

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

Light doesn’t have a good answer to that. He grew up in Tokyo, sure, but why would that matter? If he had wanted to run away Tokyo would probably be the worst place in the world to do so. There he is most likely to get recognized and several members of the police force knows what he used to be. He just figured that banishment from his homeland and the city where he grew up was part of his punishment. Stupid really, after all of L’s talk of giving him a second chance he should have seen this one coming.

“If you want to you could visit your family. It has been over a year since you last saw your mother and sister, I’m sure they miss you.”

A wave of guilt washes over Light. If they knew the truth, they would be glad that he’s gone. They don’t, however, and they never will. Learning the truth behind his sudden disappearance would just cause them unnecessary hurt. What little appetite he had is completely gone.

“I don’t know if my father would want me to”, he tries to sound calm but it is mostly for the benefit of those at the nearby tables. He knows he can’t fool L.

“You don’t have to visit them. I just wanted you to know that it’s an option.”

Light nods and changes the subject.

That night he wakes in a cold sweat, eyes flying open and a gunshot echoing in his mind. The room is dark and silent. Slowly he sits up and switches on the bedside lamp. For a second, he is unsure of where he is. The room looks strange only because he was expecting a cell. He has to remind himself that he isn’t in that cell anymore, the Kira case is over. He gave up and L is still alive. He is still alive. His father would never.

With a heavy sigh he reaches for his computer and presses play on the video message he left for himself. He watches it from start to finish. Sometimes it helps calm him down but this time it only makes him feel worse. It serves as a reminder, not only of what actually happened during the Kira case, but also of who he was. Of who he could become if he were allowed to go back home…

Light knows that his fear of returning to Japan is irrational. The topic of L’s planned visit to Tokyo gets brought up in his next therapy session with Morgan. She sees right through his hesitation to accompany L but points out that fear isn’t always rational. If he isn’t ready to face this fear just yet he doesn’t need to push himself. Light almost scoffs, he is a rational human being so he will go to Japan.

However, he is not sure if meeting his family again is the right thing to do. On the one hand his mother and sister surely miss him, but, on the other hand, his father might prefer it if he stays away. In addition to that, Light is not sure he is ready to face his father again…

Still, if he went to Tokyo without saying anything and his father found out afterwards it would make it even more difficult to reach out the next time. He may end up never seeing his family again… That thought is in itself enough to motivate Light to at least contact his father. If he is rejected then so be it, at least he tried.

He doesn’t quite have the strength to call so he sends an email to his father to let him know that he will be going to Tokyo for work. In the email he enquires about his mother and sister but he doesn’t ask for an invite. The reply contains one anyways, along with a suggestion to coordinate the details with his mother. The feeling of relief that fills Light upon reading the answer surprises even him.

Gathering the courage necessary to make the phone call to his mother takes an embarrassingly long time. He makes sure to call during the day when his father will be away, he doesn’t want to risk his mom handing over the phone to him. It turns out ok, his mother is happy to hear from him and they agree on a time for him to come over for dinner. He goes over the details with Morgan and they make a plan for the visit. When he and L leave for Tokyo everything is settled and Light is more nervous than he can remember being in his life.

They don’t stay in the headquarters from the Kira investigation. For that Light is glad. It would have brought back too many memories. Memories he cannot afford to dwell on now. He has enough to occupy his thoughts, considering that he is meeting his family for the first time in over a year in only a few days.

Instead, they stay in a hotel suite, the layout of which is similar to that of a two-bedroom apartment but without the kitchen. The large living room quickly gets converted into an office.

Although the case is interesting enough to keep both L and Light occupied, it’s not so convoluted as to pose a real challenge. They solve it earlier than expected. The next thing Light knows L is packing up his things. Light gives him a confused look.

“Why are you packing already? I didn’t think we were leaving until tomorrow.”

“I don’t remember deciding to stay until a particular date,” L answers. They usually don’t, once the case is solved, they contact Watari and, as if by magic, not more than two hours later they are on a flight to wherever they are going next. However, this time is different and frankly Light is a bit surprised that L seems to have forgotten.

“We are invited to my parents for dinner tonight”, he clarifies, giving L a questioning look.

“You never informed me of that.”

“No, but I told Morgan.”

“You think that Sarah reports the things you tell her to me”, it is not spoken like a question but rather as a statement. They stare dumbly at one another.

“She doesn’t?” Light asks, feeling both rather stupid for assuming that she did but also sceptical of the fact that she doesn’t.

“She doesn’t”, L confirms.

An awkward silence falls between them. L not knowing about his plans are proof that it’s true. He will have to talk to Morgan about this at some point but not right now. Now, he has to focus on the plans for tonight. He briefly wonders how L, the world’s greatest detective, could have missed Light making plans with his family. It’s not like he was trying to keep it a secret.

“So, how do we solve this? Can we cancel the flight or should I reschedule?”

“We can cancel the flight. I’ll contact Watari.”

“I’m sorry for not informing you. I should have asked you before making plans for the both of us.”

“You want me to go with you?”

Light’s first thought is to question if he's even allowed to go by himself but he manages to stop himself from voicing it out loud. Of course he is. It shouldn’t surprise him considering that L apparently trusts him now. The question is, does he want to go alone? When he and Morgan was making a plan for this visit Light was counting on either L or Watari being there with him, acting as a kind of buffer between him and his family. He resents how week that makes him sound but the thought of facing his family alone is overwhelming.

“You are welcome to, if you want,” Light finally manages to get out. “I’ve told my mother that I will bring a college who also works for L.”

“You thought you wouldn’t be allowed to go by yourself,” L states in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Well yes, but… I wouldn’t mind,” he is stubbornly looking at L, trying to convey the sincerity of the request. When L looks sceptical Light sighs and continues, “it’s just… I think it would be good to have someone else there to keep it a little more formal. My sister is going to have questions that I’d rather not answer. Also, my relationship with my father isn’t what it used to be. I think he is willing to tolerate me for one night for the sake of my mother. Honestly, it’s the same for me as well because, well, you know about what happened.”

It’s weird telling L this. It should make him feel incredibly exposed, however, he is becoming used to talking about these kinds of things. Also, L has seen him at his worst, compared to that this is nothing.

Standing on the doorstep of his childhood home with L hovering a step behind holding a nicely wrapped box of cookies that Light bought in New York, is the last place on earth Light would have imagined himself a year ago. Nevertheless, it is where he ended up.

His mother hugs him. She has tears in her eyes. It makes him feel slightly uncomfortable, quickly followed by a sense of guilt for feeling uncomfortable. His sister is there too, she does not hug him.

L presents himself as Richard and hands over the gift. He is wearing his usual white shirt and blue jeans combo. However, the shoes are new and he is actually wearing socks! Light’s mother still gives him a sceptical look which Light feels is unfair. L has clearly made an effort.

The inside of the house hasn’t changed at all in the time he has been away. As he hangs his coat in its usual place, he notices that his hands are shaking. He quickly hides them in his pockets. Taking a calming breath, he applies a technique from therapy to ground one in the present; to look around and notice things. His initial thought was that nothing in here had changed but maybe something has… There is a new pair of white trainers among the shoes, they likely belong to Sayu. One of the potted plants have been replaced. His dads old coat is missing, Light wonders if his mother finally managed to convince him to get rid of it.

Turning around the corner into the combined dining and living room he sees his father. Light can feel his chest tighten, he glances behind him and sees L and his sister enter the room after him. Steeling himself he greets his father who responds rather stiffly.

Light’s body is on high alert and his heart is beating in his ears as they sit down for dinner. It takes conscious effort and no small amount of energy on his part to play the role of the prodigy son visiting his family. It is a lie and half of the people gathered around the table knows this which makes it even more taxing to keep acting. However, he does his best as he asks about mundane things like his mother’s friends and his sister’s studies. In return he is met with questions about his work that are just slightly on the side of accusatory, especially the ones coming from his sister.

L continues to be on his best behaviour. Most of his weird quirks are nowhere to be seen; he even sits normally on the chair, for which Light is eternally grateful. When the questions turn accusatory, he inserts himself into the conversation and tries to lighten the mood by re-telling one of the less gruesome locked-room mysteries they have worked on together. To Light’s surprise it works, his mother is proud to hear about the cases they solve and Sayu is too preoccupied with asking follow-up questions to remember to be angry with Light.

Light actually catches his father giving L confused looks. He is probably wondering what happened to the L who crouches on chairs, is constantly fidgeting and stares owlishly at people. It is understandable, though, Light does not, and never has, found it confusing. L can act normally if he wishes. It is definitely an act, slightly over-played, as if L is trying to parody a normal human man. Watching L like this feels a bit like listening to someone tell one of your inside jokes in a group setting, knowing that only you will understand it.

When they have finished eating Sachiko and Sayu start gathering the dishes. L and Light help but, as the women start bringing the things back to the kitchen, Light looks back at his father who is just quietly observing the rest of them. Light gets the distinct feeling that his father wants to talk to him. While he had been able to gradually relax during dinner it makes his anxiety levels rise again. L gives him a questioning look, as if to ask if he is ok. Light gives a small nod and hands over his pile of dishes to L. L accepts the collection of plates and cutlery and follows Light’s mother and sister to the kitchen, the door clicking shut behind him.

Light sits down at the table again. A heavy silence fills the dining room. Now that they are alone, he cannot quite bring himself to look at his father. The sound of cheerful voices float from the kitchen. It is impossible to distinguish the words. Light glances over at his father, Soichiro is looking straight ahead with a stern face. Light looks away again. He takes a calming breath.

“Thanks for having us-“

“You’re doing good work-”

Light looks up, giving his father a surprised look.

“I heard about the Nakameguro killings,” his father explains. “I’ve heard of other cases too, from my contacts at Interpol. They say that L has become even more productive these last few months. You and L, you’re doing good work.”

This is the point in the conversation where his father would normally tell him how proud he is. Only this time, he doesn’t. But that’s ok.

“I agree. I know that it doesn’t change what I did but I’m glad for this chance to do something good. Something important,” it’s true, even though he has never voiced it out loud before.

His father gives a curt nod. Before they get the chance to return to the tense silence the kitchen door opens and L returns, looking rather chastened.

“They told me that, since I’m a guest, I should stop helping and go back to the table,” he reclaims his seat. “So how is Aizava doing these days?”, the conversation turns to inquiries after the previous members of the Kira task force. Light thinks he catches L giving him a slightly worried look. It's strange to imagine that he cares about something so trivial and unrelated to himself as whether or not Light is feeling ok in this situation, but Light doesn’t know what else to think.

The evening progresses in much the same fashion as it began, soon it is time for them to return to their hotel. Before they leave, Light promises to call more often. His mother hugs him and tells him to give his best to L and to thank him for taking such good care of her son. It’s a bit awkward with L actually standing only a meter away but Light manages to smile through it. His sister accuses him of being a terrible big brother and says that if he fails to show up at her graduation, he is dead to her. She rather takes the edge off that threat as she follows it up with a hug. Light’s smile turns genuine for a moment as he hugs her back and promises to be there.

When they get back to the hotel that night Light is absolutely exhausted. His hands are shaking again.

“Do you… need anything?” L asks rather hesitantly. He looks vaguely uncomfortable hoovering a couple of steps away from Light.

Light shakes his head no. L looks even more hesitant but backs off. Good, Light doesn’t have the energy to be around others right now. Closing the door to his bedroom behind him, Light sinks down on the bed. Too many thoughts and feelings are rushing through his head, loudest out of all the feelings screaming for attention is the sense of relief. Something wet falls on his hand and he flinches.

Oh. He’s crying. And he doesn’t quite know how to stop.

So, he lets himself cry silently except for a couple of quiet sobs. His thoughts are still noisy; all of the reasons why he should not be allowed to meet with his family, the guilt of having avoided them for so long and the happiness of seeing them again mix together.

Eventually the tears dry up and a strange calm settles in. He’s still tired but he doesn’t think that he will be able to sleep without the sleeping pills. Usually, he avoids them but he has been under a lot of stress today. Also, they are not working on a case right now so if he feels sluggish tomorrow that may be acceptable. He will be much worse off if he doesn’t sleep at all.

Looking around, Light realizes that the suitcase where he keeps his medication is not where he left it. L must have moved it earlier today when he still thought they were leaving today. That means he will have to leave the room and talk to L. He would rather not but his pyjamas and toothbrush are also in that bag… Wiping the tears away he stays on the bed for a while, waiting for his eyes to look a little less puffy before exiting his room.

Opening the door, he is met with a mostly dark room. The only light is the faint white glow from L’s laptop over by the desk.

“Are you working on something new already?” Light asks.

“Yes, Watari sent over the files just now.”

“Oh. Have you seen my suitcase?”

“It’s over by the minibar.”

Light navigates the dark room stopping by the sofa to switch on the standing lamp. With the room now more clearly lit he can see his suitcase laying on the floor right where L said it would be.

“There it is, thanks. And… Thank you for coming with me today.”

“I don’t think you should be thanking me,” L says, not taking his eyes of the screen.

“Why not?”

“I’m sorry that I put you in that cell.”

“During the Kira case?” Light frowns, why does L want to discuss this now? “As I remember it, I asked you to do that.”

“Even if you asked me to, I know it wasn’t exactly a fun experience. I dragged it out for longer than necessary as well. So, I want to apologize, for that and for the events of your release. Having your father threaten to kill you was my idea. I don’t think I understood how it would affect you.”

Light doesn’t believe that for a second. What you didn’t understand was that you would care he thinks rather viciously. He doesn’t say it out loud, instead he goes with something a bit more neutral. “I’ve done a lot of really bad things, things I cannot even begin to apologize for. If anything, I deserved to be put in that cell.”

“You didn’t,” the conviction with which L says this annoys Light. L was the one who put him there, what right does he have now to say that it was unfair.

“I was already a killer back then. Killers go to prison, that is just how things work.” L opens his mouth but Light doesn’t want to hear it. He is tired and unusually emotional because of his recent breakdown. “And don’t say something stupid like ‘you’re not a killer anymore’ because I am. I killed people and I can never change that.”

“I would never say something so inane,” it’s said in a calm voice but Light isn’t really listening anymore.

“And now I have to live with this… this guilt. And I can’t allow myself to ever forget what I’ve done. I’m thinking about it every minute of every single day and it makes me feel absolutely horrible. How the fuck am I supposed to live with that?!” his voice has been growing increasingly louder without him realizing until he reaches the end. As always when he loses his composure, he is left feeling embarrassed and raw. With a heavy sigh he sinks down on the sofa, hiding his face in his hands. It feels like he’s on the verge of starting to crying again.

After a moment the cushions next to him dip as someone sits down beside him.

“You focus on the now. The person you are today. And you try to do better.”

Light glances up at L, but L is not looking at him.

“It just doesn’t feel right. To forget and live in the now.”

“You don’t have to forget. In the past I’ve been willing to do pretty much anything if it would help me solve a case. I haven’t forgotten that. But if I were constantly thinking about it, I wouldn’t be able to live as I do, much less solve the next case.”

“Well… you haven’t resorted to any extreme measures since the Kira case,” Light says, voice hesitant.

“And I hope I never will,” the emphasis with which this is said actually surprises Light. “But… If I tried to, I know you would stop me,” a small pleased smile is playing on L’s face.

“You do remember that you’re talking to Kira, right?” having L rely on him to act as a moral compass is just bizarre.

“I am aware that you used to be Kira, yes. Right now, I’m talking to Light Yagami, the person who once shouted at me for even suggesting we let the executives at Yotsuba murder someone to gather evidence, and then proceeded to invent a plan to not only make it unnecessary, but also stopped them planning future murders. That was really annoying by the way.”

“And here I thought you never wanted to apply extreme measures again?”

“I don’t. It was still annoying,” and now L has no problems looking at him. Despite his poker face Light knows that L’s wearing a shit eating grin behind the mask. Sometimes Light forgets how annoying L can be. However, it doesn’t negate what he just said.

“I know that I’m no longer the same person I was when I acted as Kira and…Thank you.”

“I believe I told you not to thank me,” L cocks his head. It’s cute but in that same way a Furby can be cute.

“Whatever. Now, are you going to let me take a look at the new case?”

L nods and moves over to his laptop. Light stays on the sofa, reaching for his laptop where it has been conveniently left on the coffee table, he opens up the file L just sent over. Only a couple of paragraphs in Light finds that he has to struggle to stay awake. Today has been draining and the exhaustion is catching up with him again. The mostly dark room with the slight glow from the monitors and the muted sound of someone tapping away on a keyboard are creating an atmosphere that he finds surprisingly calming. He lies down on the sofa and closes his eyes, thinking that he is going to rest just for a moment.

The next morning when he wakes up, he finds that he is still on the sofa. Sometime during the night someone has closed his laptop, placed in on the coffee table and put a blanket over him. One does not have to be a genius to figure out who. To his surprise it has him feeling lighter almost. A tiny bit happy. Though, that may be due to him feeling more well rested than anyone who has spent the night on a sofa has any right to be. To be honest Light cannot remember the last time he slept this soundly.

Chapter Text

“L told me that you aren’t sharing anything I tell you with him, is that true?”

Light is sitting on a modern-looking sofa in the apartment two floors down. Opposite him is Morgan. She is dressed in a loose white shirt which, while appropriate for the warm summer day outside, is too light for the airconditioned building. Light can see goosebumps on her upper arms.

The question seems to almost offend her. She actually brings up the American Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act on her iPad and walks him through it, all the while assuring him that it applies even to his case. The only exception to the confidentiality she, as a psychologist, is allowed to make is if he is a danger to himself or others, hence why she told Watari and L about him having suicidal thoughts.

Feeling reasonable sure that what he says won’t reach L, Light tells Morgan an unedited version of the trip to Japan. He even mentions how grateful he is to L, not only for going with him to visit his parents and supporting him through the dinner, but also for believing that he could be something else than Kira. Morgan suggests that he should tell L that. Light smiles, nodes and internally decides that he would rather run naked down Columbus Avenue than tell L anything of the sort. It would probably be less awkward.

At the end of the session Morgan visually hesitates, Light stays in his chair wating for her to make up her mind.

“I’ve been against you calling me Sarah Morgan from the very start. There has to be a measure of trust, you see, between a patient and the psychologist, and I feel like me going under a pseudonym is undermining that trust. However, this has been a… special case, and so I’ve been willing to go along with it. Now thought… I think we’re well past that now, don’t you?”

Light frowns. “Have you cleared this with L?”

“No. I trust my own judgement when it comes to this. But I don’t want to put you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable. Would you be ok with me sharing this information with you?”

It’s just a name and Light doesn’t own a Death Note anymore. Even if he did, he would never use it. He has to believe that because that belief, that new image of himself that he has been struggling to build, is one of the things stopping him from reverting back to what he used to be.

“Yes, that’s ok.”

“Ok,” and she smiles, almost playfully, and reaches out to him as if to shake his hand. “Hi, my name is Lena Stawski. Nice to meet you.”

Light rolls his eyes at the theatrics but shakes her hand nevertheless.

“Should I call you Ms Stawski then?”

“That would be Dr Stawski. But no, just ‘Lena’ is fine.”

Bit by bit throughout the following sessions Light shares his and L’s full story with Lena, including the fact that he knows L’s name and that L at one point admitted to being in love with him. He admits to being asexual and talks about how he used to feel very awkward around L because of their past but that it isn’t a problem anymore.

“It’s good that you were able to overcome the past and become friends, it shows great maturity on both parts,” Lena says a couple of sessions down the line. Light frowns at her, not sure if he would classify L as a friend. They dine out together, play tennis, talk… And then there is this new habit he has picked up in the weeks following their visit to Tokyo where he stays up late into the night working with L. The lateness combined with the dark room and soft glow from the computer screens has a soothing effect on him. Falling asleep on the couch of a hotel room has becomes less of an exception and more of commonplace occurrence, and so is waking up the next day covered by a blanket he cannot remember being there when he fell asleep. At first it only happened when they were travelling, and thus forced to use the living room of their hotel suite as their office, but eventually it carries over to when they are working from Boston as well.

He hasn’t told Lena about any of that, not wanting to make a big deal of it.

The moment Light starts to wonder if things are getting out of hand is when a new desk shows up in the living room of their apartment. He knows he should say something but so far L hasn’t commented their new arrangement, and he is sleeping better. He doesn’t even need the sleeping pills anymore.

Life goes on. Crime never rests and neither do Light or L. Although short breaks are allowed, Light has to make time for a weekly phone call with his mother and, sometimes, sister. Sayu loves to hear about his work but she thinks that “Richard” is better at retelling the stories than Light.

The knowledge that he is feeling more stable, happier even, is not an uncomplicated one for Light. He can almost hear Lena patiently reminding him that he does not have to deserve happiness. Still, like a small child he is too hung up on the idea that the world should be fair. But the world isn’t fair, wasn’t that how he justified becoming Kira in the first place? He wanted to fix the world, but being obsessed with right and wrong only lead him to make bad decisions.

So, if he can’t solve the problem that is his continued existence, then what should he do?

The only thing he can do is try to be better…

He isn’t completely sure what that looks like but he can’t let that stop him. Nowadays, he is allowed complete freedom of movement, even during cases. Truth be told, he probably has been for a long time but it isn’t until now that he has come to realize and benefit from it. Light has always been good with people and sending him out to directly communicate with the police or suspects have proven useful on several occasions.

A New York based serial killer have them pulling overtime. Eventually, they realise that one of the reasons that they are getting nowhere is that someone in the police force is an informant. This information can be turned to an advantage; if they can find the leak, they can follow that thread back to the murderer. Their main suspect is a young charismatic woman, Grace Ramotswe, that was recently added to the team after having specifically asked to join the investigation. Light has been acting as L’s contact to the police for this particular case so it is only natural that he is the one to talk to her in order to learn more.

He is trying for nice and charming, but not overly so, and is met with suspicion. Grace covers it up well but Light can sense the mistrust. Unfortunately for her, that only makes her seem more guilty. Still, he doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. He has all but decided to give up and report back to L that they have to try a different angle when Grace approaches him saying she wants to talk. On her suggestion they go to a bar a couple of blocks away from the police station. Once they have ordered their drinks, they move to one of the tables at the back, far away from the other patrons.

“Why couldn’t we have this discussion at the precinct?” Light asks.

“Because I believe someone at the precinct is feeding the information we gather back to the Bronx Strangler,” Grace is studying him closely as she is divulging this piece of information.

“Yes, L suspects so as well.” She is rather clever; he will give her that.

Grace nods thoughtfully.

“I don’t think I’ve ever asked you, Liam, for how long have you been working with L?”

“Not long, I moved to the U.S. only a year ago to be his east coast contact,” Light lies smoothly, reciting the backstory of his false identity.

“I thought his contact was Watari?”

“Still is, but L is expanding his operations, so to speak. I’ve come to understand that he has been taking on even more cases recently.”

“And where do you come from Liam? I mean, I figured you weren’t from the U.S based on your accent. You from China? Japan?”

“I’m afraid that is confidential, Miss Ramotswe.”

She eyes him with suspicion and it’s making him uncomfortable. Obviously, she doesn’t know about his past but the way she is looking at him still manages to get under his skin.

“Would it be possible for me to talk directly to L?”

“Whatever you want to say to him is perfectly safe to tell me. I will pass your message along.”

“But I would rather discuss this with the detective directly, without the middle man.”

Light shakes his head. He is doing his best to remain calm and collected but her distrust is wearing on him. Still, this is a good opportunity to gather information. “I’m afraid that’s not possible. Now, you say that you believe someone to be sharing information about this case with the killer, do you suspect anyone in particular?”

He is met with a steely gaze. “Do you?”

It's as if someone has emptied a bucket of cold water over his head. She suspects him of being the informant. Hell, maybe she thinks that he is the Bronx Strangler. That is the reason why she wanted to talk to him. He does understand why she came to that conclusion even though it makes his stomach turn. He is a stranger, at least to this division of the NYPD, who showed up out of nowhere, claiming to represent L. For all she knows his credentials could be forged. Searching for his alias, Liam Min, will not yield any meaningful results which of course is suspicious in itself.

Of course, he knows that he isn’t the Bronx Strangler. It’s impossible, he was in New Delhi with L when the first two murders occurred. However, the fact that she suspects him of being the murderer means that she cannot be the contact. This means that he can extract himself from this conversation with good conscience.

“Miss Ramotswe, I believe we are getting nowhere like this. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing information with me I am going to leave,” he gets up from their table, leaving his untouched beer. Standing on the pavement outside the bar it’s a little easier to breathe again.

Reporting back to L has him feeling mixed. On the one hand it’s good to report something concrete, but, on the other hand, they have to look for a new suspect.

“Seeing as she suspects you, will you be ok going back to the precinct tomorrow?” L asks.

“Who are you going to send in my stead? Watari is in Stockholm tying up loose ends from the Östermalm-affair.”

“You should probably have tried harder to put her suspicions to rest. Contact me if it gets out of hand.”

Light shrugs. She is just a junior officer and a woman. The senior officers have been in contact with the Boston Police to confirm the identity of Liam Min, they know that they can trust him.

Or so he believes, until he walks into the precinct the next day. Turns out Grace is more persuasive that he gave her credit for and the senior officers are more inclined to listen to her than to the assurances of the Boston Police. They politely inform him that he is under arrest and ask that he stays in their holding cell until they can confirm that he is indeed working with L, and not with the Bronx Strangler.

Light tries to reason with them but the officers are too anxious, too suspicious, to really listen. They worry that maybe he is impersonating Liam Min, after all there are no pictures of him to be found. There is also the possibility that he snapped after having worked with L on one case and became a serial killer. They don’t trust him to contact L by himself, perhaps they worry that he will call an imposter. He gives them the number to one of L’s burner phones anyways, hoping to speed up the process.

In the end he is put in a solitary cell. Again.

This time he is innocent. He knows that he is.

He knew that he was innocent last time too, only it turned out he wasn’t.

This is ridiculous, he was in New Delhi when two of the murders occurred!

He was in Japan when Kira killed criminals all over the world.

He can feel himself spiralling. He tries to centre his mind in the present, to breath, notice his surroundings. But his surroundings are a holding cell for crying out loud. Bad memories and thoughts which he can usually keep at bay come flooding back. His breath is coming in quick and his heart is racing. It’s beating too fast… Is he having a heart attack? Has someone written his name in the Death Note? His chest feels tight and he’s not getting enough air.

He is left in that cell for what feels like hours. After a while his heart slows down and he is left trembling, shirt absolutely soaked through with sweat, and feeling about ready to pass out. He is still alive though.

This is how Watari finds him. Light glances up at the other man then quickly averts his eyes. He doesn’t want to be seen like this but there is nowhere to hide. His heart picks up the pace again and, oh god, is he going to have another panic attack? What will Watari think of him if he loses it in front of him? What will L think?

Watari sits down next to him.

“Try to calm your breathing. Can you match your breathing with mine?”

Light does. After a few breaths he recognizes the pattern, it's a familiar breathing exercise; one he has practiced with Lena.

“You know, New York has never agreed with me. The people here are so rude and always in a hurry…” Watari continues to relate a rather dull story of the troubles of getting hold of a rental on short notice in New York. Light does his best to focus on the story.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that trouble because I messed up,” Light grits out eventually.

“It was not my intention to imply that any of that was your fault. No, if the people of this city could only slow down and think it would all have been sorted much quicker.”

“Oh, come off it. I know you dislike me,” it is said in a much harsher tone than Light intended which makes him wince at himself.

“Well… When we first met, I didn’t know what to think. I’ll admit to being a bit… worried about your influence on L for a while. I’m not anymore,” Watari puts a hand on Light’s shoulder. Light would have expected it to feel like an intrusion on his personal space but it’s actually oddly comforting. “I hardly need tell you that the two of you work well together. It is an absolute pleasure to follow your combined work. And it’s good to see L happy. I suspect he was lonely before you met. I did my best, of course, but he needed a friend.”

“You’ve been doing a lot for him. And for me,” Light shifts awkwardly.

“Don’t mention it,” Watari says with a comforting smile. “Now, are you ready to leave?” he gets up and, for the first time, Light notices that the door to the cell is open. A new wave of panic hits him at the sight and he hesitates. Should he really be allowed to leave? They haven’t solved the case yet so it might not be safe to let him out.

“Before I leave, can I talk to L?”

Without questioning it Watari produces a phone from his coat pocket and dials a number. Light is wondering if it is too late to change his mind and instead ask Watari to contact Lena. She might also be able to help, although, Light suspects that the only thing that will truly calm him in this moment is to get confirmation directly from L. Even if it will make him look like an idiot. So, he takes the phone as Watari holds it out for him.

L picks up after the first signal. Light takes a deep breath, he just has to power through this question, don’t hesitate, just ask and then, hopefully, he will be able to leave this cell.

“Hi L, it’s me. I just wanted to confirm, there is no way I could be tied to these murders, correct?”

“Are you asking me if there is a way you could be involved in a serial killing of random twenty-something year old women in New York? When the first two victims were murdered while we were in India? And the third while we were in Boston? And you would have been involved in this while working in close proximity to myself and Watari?”

It sounds stupid. He knows that it sounds stupid. But he has managed that exact thing once before. However, back then L suspected that something was wrong. If L doesn’t suspect anything now then maybe Light can let it go too. After all, L was able to tell when he had the memories and when he did not.

“Yes. Am I a suspect?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should stay here until we wrap up this case? Maybe that would make the officers feel more at ease?” he doesn’t really care about the officers and he doesn’t want to stay in the cell but he will not leave if it means putting others in danger.

“There is no need for you to stay in the cell. We have no real leads to the killer at present so it may take a while still to track him down. I think I will need your help with this, preferably in person and not from a holding cell. Watari will take over the contact with the NYPD.”

He was right, he is being stupid and worrying over nothing. L must think that he is insane to even suspect himself. He takes a breath to centre himself, then follows Watari to the car. Getting into the backseat, he is surprised to find L there. L looks up from his computer and gives Light a quick searching look before turning back to the screen.

“I wanted to stop by the bakery on 49th street, the station was on the way” L says, offering an explanation to his presence in the car instead of a greeting.

“Sorry you had to wait so long,” Light says, feeling even more foolish, not because he believes L’s very see-through lie, but because of how long L must have spent outside the precinct wating while Light was busy having a mental breakdown.

“I got some work done so it was no matter.”

Watari puts the car in reverse and gets them back on the road. Looking out at the people and shops Light can feel himself calming down. He’s no longer locked-up and he is not a murder suspect.

He is fine.

“I’m sorry,” L says in a voice which is barely audible above the sound of the car engine.

Light doesn’t have to ask what for. “You’ve already apologized for locking me up during the Kira case,” he almost-whispers back, glancing over at L before returning his gaze to the window.

“I know. I just…” L interrupts himself, biting down hard on his thumb nail. It doesn’t matter, Light can hear the end of that sentence loud and clear; L is feeling guilty.

“I forgive you.”

L doesn’t even look at him.

“Come on L, why shouldn’t I forgive you? Besides, there is no need for you to feel guilty this time around, this wasn’t your fault.”

More silence but with an added self-conscious glance over at Watari. Light is keeping his voice down so it is unlikely that the old gentleman can distinguish what is being discussed in the backseat.

“Maybe you don’t need me to forgive you. Maybe you need to forgive yourself?”

“I could say the same to you.”

Light huffs irritably and decides to give up on the conversation.

Unfortunately, Light being arrested on suspicion of being the Bronx Strangler alerted the police to the fact that they have an informant among them. This information seems to have reached the informant as well because the killings stop and the informant makes no further moves. The track runs cold quickly, no new information turns up and what they do have has thus far been insufficient to even narrow it down to a list of suspects. Despite this, L refuses to give up on the case.

Waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from a half-remembered dream, the first thing Light notices, as he starts to calm down, is the sound L’s fingers tapping away on the keyboard. The sound originates from the desk in the corner of the living room, Light’s eyes seek out L who, as if sensing his scrutiny, look over at him. Light's shirt is clinging uncomfortably to his back and the feeling of dread he got from the nightmare is still lingering, but it all feels further away now somehow.

“Would you like a cupcake?” L asks, giving Light one of his usual blank stares. The question makes Light smile fondly, isn’t it just typical L to offer sweets as comfort. Ignoring the question, Light sits up and detangles himself from the blanket which was definitely not there when he fell asleep.

“Are you still working on that Bronx Strangler case?” he asks.

L immediately launches into an explanation of his latest theory. To Light it seems a little far-fetched. A week has gone by since he was arrested and they have made zero progress on the case. It’s all his fault. He absolutely hates this case. Before it his nightmares had all but stopped. Now, they are back with a vengeance and most of them revolve around being locked up in rooms full of cameras greedily watching his every move.

The next day, when Light gets back early from buying them lunch, he happens to overhear a conversation between L and Watari. It’s about L’s insomnia; apparently, he’s been sleeping even less than usual lately and Watari is worried. Light does his best to push down the feeling of guilt. If only he had managed the situation with Ramotswe better…

Now that he knows to look for it, he can tell that L is operating on even less sleep than usual. Some of L’s theories don’t line up as neatly as they usually do and he accidentally ate some of Light’s dark chocolate the other day. He looked almost sick afterwards which was, admittedly, a little funny.

Light remembers what L told him once, about the time he stayed up for over 6 days and started hallucinating. It might have been a lie but, then again, it might not have been. Light does not want to have a sleep deprived hallucinating L on his hands. Neither does he want to be the one responsible for the three greatest detectives alive loosing braincells because he is too stubborn to sleep.

Since L doesn’t seem to notice what he eats at present Light hacks up some of his sleeping pills and puts the powder in L’s coffee. L drinks it without comment. Light gives the pills an hour to kick in then asks L to have a look at some of the files he left on the coffee table. L sits down on the sofa and picks up the files. Not even 10 minutes later he is asleep. All according to plan.

Light cannot help but smile as he's putting a blanket over L, thinking about how their roles have reversed. This is the first time he has actually seen L asleep, Light realizes. How strange, they used to be chained together, didn’t he see L sleep once during that time? Not that he can remember. L is cute when he sleeps, his brain unhelpfully supplies. You only think that because he can't annoy you when he's asleep, or stare at you with those weird owl eyes of his, Light tells himself. Just wait until he starts to drool, then we’ll see how cute he is.

L sleeps for 11 hours. When he wakes up, he is bleary eyed and his hair looks even worse than usual. More than anything he seems confused. Halfway through his first cup of overly sweet coffee that confusion turns to anger as he starts to piece together what happened yesterday.

“You drugged my food,” he accuses and, just as Light has never seen L asleep before, Light realises that he’s never seen him angry either.

“Your coffee to be specific,” he offers because L’s mannerisms are rubbing off on him.

L looks at the cup he is holding as if it might bite him and puts it down.

“It was just my sleeping pills. I don’t even know how long it’s been since you last slept, it wasn’t healthy. You needed to sleep.”

“Clearly,” L says in a voice dripping with sarcasm and repressed anger. “So instead of talking to me about it you decided to drug my coffee.”

“Don’t act as if talking with you would have made a difference. Watari tried that two days ago.”

“So, you’re eavesdropping on my private conversations now too,” said in the same sarcastic angry tone. It really gets on Light’s nerves.

“That was an accident! In fact, that’s rich coming from you, who have cameras following my every move!”

“Watari and I took down the cameras after we got back from Japan. I thought you would notice but maybe you aren’t as clever as you like to think.”

“Maybe I didn’t because I’m not paranoid, unlike you!”

“I think I’ve been acting very trusting with you. Maybe more so than you deserve.”

Light can feel his stomach drop. L’s words cut deeper than he had expected them too. He falters for a moment staring at L.

“I’m taking you off case work for a while.”

That is decidedly unfair! Light finds his voice again. “What?! Don’t you think that is an overreaction?”

“No. I do not.”

With that, Light’s access to case-related information is revoked. When L finally give up on the ‘Bronx Strangle’-case, temporarily at least, and moves on to something new he doesn’t include Light in it. Additionally, L stops working from the desk in the living room, instead favouring his home office. When Light ventures into the office he's met with the silent treatment.

“He's acting like a child,” Light complains to Lena. “Pretending like he can't see me when we are in the same room.” He rubs at his eyes which he knows have dark circles under them. “I’m not getting as much sleep as I used to either since I went back to sleeping in my room again.”

“It's understandable that he's upset.”

“Really?! All I did was make sure he got some sleep for once!”

“You fed him something, prescription medication even, without his knowing or consent. Light, you understand how that is bad, right? It could be a trigger for him, considering he may worry about being poisoned because of who he is.”

“Why do you two insist on treating this as if I fed L some harmful substance?!”

Lena gives him a measuring look. “It is ok if you feel guilty about what happened. That is a perfectly healthy response when you do something wrong. But instead of spending your mental energy trying to deflect, or to justify what you did, I think you need to admit to yourself that you made a mistake.”

Justifying his own wrongdoing is dangerous and something he knows that he's very good at. Is this what is happening right now? “But someone needed to do something or who knows for how long he would have gone without sleep.”

“Ok, let’s try this then. Imagine you swapped places, and it was L who tricked you into taking medication that you may have needed, but didn’t want. How would that make you feel?”

He would feel angry, betrayed even, because he trusts L not to do that. He would also feel tricked which is maybe worse than the betrayal because it would be a blow to his pride. So, Lena may be right. Shit. Keeping his features carefully neutral he turns his head away from her, looking out the window where a steady October rain is falling. The room is quiet for a moment as Lena patiently waits for him to answer.

“Why do I always make the wrong choices?”

“That’s not true. You have made a lot of right choices, if you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be sitting here. This doesn’t take away from that. But you need to learn how to recognize when you’ve made a mistake and respond to that in a way which will correct it. I would like for us to work on strategies for that in our next session.”

Light leaves the session feeling agitated. He knows Lena is right, he needs to get better at checking himself. If he could trust in his ability to do that, he wouldn’t have to worry as much about falling of the path again. Although, it all seems like a lost case to him. Ever since the end of the Kira case L has been trying to help, he didn’t even blame Light for screwing up the ‘Bronx Stranger’-case, and what does Light do? Ruin everything by ignoring L’s feelings. He needs to own up to it, but the silence from L is keeping his anger alive and makes it difficult to admit his mistake out loud to the detective. It’s as if there is a mental block making it impossible for him to apologize. He needs some space, and something to occupy his mind with, or he'll go insane.

It so happens that he has a follow up session with Young, the specialist in nutritional counselling, this week. Light have been doing well following his mealtime schedule the last few months and is almost back to his original weight. Because of this, the weekly meetings with Young are a thing of the past. The follow up sessions are further in between, once every other month or so, and not as mentally taxing as the bi-weekly therapy sessions with Lena.
After the usual questions about his diet, Young moves on to the topic of exercise. He asks about the weekly tennis practice and Light tells him about the ongoing disagreement with L, leaving out most of the details.

“I feel like you need to get out more,” Young says. Light scowls internally, that is really none of Young’s business, but keeps his polite smile intact. “Actually, that reminds me! I saw this on my way over here and thought of you guys. I get that not all geniuses like chess, a bit of a stereotype, eh? But in case you do it might be fun,” He hands Light a flyer advertising a weekly Sunday afternoon chess game at a nearby café.

Light directs his internal scowl at the piece of paper. He has played before but not as frequently as one might expect, choosing to instead focus on school and tennis. Still, it would be something to do and he is extremely bored...

By Sunday L is still giving Light the silent treatment. Well, that settles it, Light thinks as he goes to put on his jacket. Some might describe the café with its old wooden tables and worn sofas as cosy, others would say that it is rundown. Light belongs to the second category. The customers at the café are not all there to play chess, however, he quickly spots a couple of tables at the back on which chessboards have been placed. After buying a cup of coffee Light makes his way over there in search of an opponent.

He wins his first two games. On his way to get a refill on the coffee he notices that a small crowd has gathered around one of the tables. A middle-aged woman is playing a 20-something year old man. To his surprise they are both clearly very good at the game. Good enough to be interesting to watch, he thinks joining the crowd. The woman ends up winning, the young man thanks her for the game.

When the chair opposite the woman opens up Light is quick to sit down. He presents himself as Haru Asahi. She tells him her name is Mary Sartori and then proceeds to embarrass him at chess.

“You have a lot of natural talent but I take it you haven’t studied different tactics or styles, am I right?” she says with a smile.

“That obvious, huh?” Light does his best to hide his annoyance at the loss behind a sheepish smile.

“Well… you didn’t recognize the Lasker-Bauer combination.”

They continue to chat for a while. Light is keeping his polite smile intact but with every word from Mary he can feel his hackles rising. She is a very ordinary person, a stay-at-home-mom with three children of which she talks excessively.

How did she manage to beat him at chess? It makes no sense.

The whole way home his head is full of chess tactics. Going out of his way, he stops by the library to pick up some books on the topic. Upon re-entering the apartment, he remembers the fight with L. Thinking about it now, it is as if part of the mental block has been lifted. He has a new problem to solve, the fight seems less important. Besides, he needs to succeed at something today so why not behave like the adult he is and apologize to L?

He finds L in the office. Light knocks on the door, which was already slightly ajar, before entering the room. L doesn’t even turn around.

“L, I wanted to talk to you…” Light begins but pauses, waiting for L to acknowledge his presence. L continues to ignore him. It’s like talking to a petulant child. “L? Are you listening?”

Slowly L turns around and gives him a blank look that still manages to convey how utterly boorish he finds Light at this particular moment. “Hi Light. Didn’t see you there.”

“You were looking at the screens so I wasn’t sure if you heard me come in,” trying to ease the situation Light attempts to act like L isn’t giving him the cold shoulder. As usual, L refuses to act with him.

“No. You just wanted me to pay attention to you. Are you planning on distracting me so you can put something in my tea? Some vitamin D perhaps? I probably need that, right? Or arsenic? It would be for the greater good.”

No apologies are made that day, only more bickering followed by more complaining to Lena.

“I don’t want to sink to his level but he has a way of getting under my skin! Can you imagine, he actually hid his teacup in one of the drawers and locked it…”

At this point Lena actually snorts making Light shift his attention on her.

“Are you laughing at me? You’re my psychiatrist, I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that… You are two of the world’s greatest minds and your way of fighting is so…” she trails off searching for the right word.

“… Juvenile?” Light fills in.

“You said it not me.”

They both burst out laughing at the same time. Light can appreciate the absurdity of the situation and laughing about it helps.

Judging by the way L acted during their fight the other day he isn’t all that angry anymore. Wounded pride? Maybe. Stubbornly holding on to a grudge and trying to get back at Light? Most likely. He probably knew that Light came in there to apologize but didn’t want to hear it. God, they are both so stubborn. Light is surprised by how fond that thought is. He will have to give apologizing another shot tomorrow, if only L will let him.

When Light and Lena are both done laughing Lena gives him a reassuring smile.

“You will work it out eventually. You are clearly important to each other. That reminds me about something you mentioned last session. About your sleeping arrangements? I didn’t want to ask about it then because it felt like getting off topic but…”

This is the exact moment when Light realises that he has, to put it simply, fucked up. When complaining last week, he must have said… something. The worst part is that he can’t even remember what he let slip. He wasn’t going to tell her about this, because it isn’t a big deal. And he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Fuck! He is supposed to be a genius, he shouldn’t make mistakes like this! Judging by the way Lena has been acting this whole session Light has to wonder if he has given her the wrong impression. The thought makes him feel almost panicked, as if he has been found guilty of something.

“It’s not like that,” he finds himself blurting out, which, great, very smooth Light. Now he has made it seem even more like he is sleeping with L. He takes a breath and makes an effort to focus on actually explaining the situation. “It’s not what you think, it’s just, you know, sleeping. I started sleeping on the living room couch while L was working in the same room, it helps with the nightmares.”

Lena nods, she seems to think for a moment before leaning forward and giving him a searching look. “In what way does it help?”

Light shrugs, “when we were working together on the Kira case we shared a room. I guess I find the familiarity comforting,” it’s what he has been telling himself these last few weeks and, although it’s the truth, for the first time he gets a sense that it isn’t the whole truth. Lena seems to pick up on this as well because she just waits for him to keep talking.

As he continues, Light knows that he has been subconsciously avoiding thinking about this. Now that he is, he's not sure he wants to dig deeper into this particular corner of his mind, however, judging from experience, that probably means he should. Then again, judging from experience, he's pretty sure he won’t like whatever he finds.

“It’s more than that though, he can tell when I have my old memories. If I were to regain them, he would know. And I find it easier to ground myself in reality after waking up from a nightmare when he is right there. I trust him and feel safe when he is around…” Light trails off a terrible realization hitting him. “Oh god, I’m in love with him, aren’t I?” he gives Lena a wide-eyed stare. “Is this some form of Stockholm syndrome?”

She hides it well but Light can tell that she is trying very hard not to smile. What is there to smile about? Does she find his predicament amusing?

“I can say with full confidence that you do not have Stockholm syndrome.”

That means he has real feelings for L. Stockholm syndrome might have been preferable.

“I don’t know what I should do with that,” Light confesses. He wasn’t even aware that he was capable of developing romantic feelings for someone. While his classmates back in high school wouldn’t shut up about their latest crush, he was always left wondering what all the fuss was about. When he came across the term “asexual” and “aromantic” they resonated with him. The descriptions felt familiar and suddenly he had an explanation to his complete disinterest in both the opposite and same gender, other than him being wrong or broken. However, he knows that what he feels for L is different from the platonic love he holds for his mother and sister. It is frustrating to have to re-evaluate something he thought he knew about himself. Even more frustrating that L of all people is the cause of it.

“What do you want to do?” Lena asks.

“I have no idea.”

Chapter Text

So, he has feelings for L. Romantic feelings. Great. Just wonderful.

He needs to formulate a plan for how to deal with this. First point of order is to apologize for what he did but after that… it’s just one big question mark.

Say he did tell L about his feelings, what would happen? L may have been in love with him at one point but he isn’t anymore, right? No, he can’t be. Not after seeing what an absolute wreak Light has been this last year. Although, he did show up in person after Light got arrested which was actually very sweet of him… So, they’re friends. Friends care about each other’s wellbeing. That thought gives Light pause. They’re friends? Well, of course they are. Why does that surprise him? Admittedly, L is rather strange with his lacking social skills, weird way of sitting and owlish stares. Not the kind of person Light expected to become friends with, much less develop feelings for.

Does L consider him a friend? The fact that he always wakes up covered by a blanket when he falls asleep on the sofa implies that L does. Or is that a sign that L still has feelings for him?
Even if L did still have feelings for him, it doesn’t matter because Light is asexual and L isn’t. A relationship would never work. Even the thought of being anything more than friends with L seems surreal. Light cannot even begin to imagine it.

The memory of the kiss they shared back at the Kira headquarter resurfaces from whatever deep dark corner of his mind he had buried it in. Back then the kiss had meant nothing. Now, it is a source of embarrassment. He was trying to manipulate L but, in the end, it was he himself who got fooled into revealing that he had regained Kira’s memories.

And there it is. L cannot have a relationship with the person who used to be Kira. It’s bad enough that they are friends! It doesn’t matter that Light feels like he could give kissing L another chance, it isn’t happening. He needs to get a grip and get over these feelings.

Thus, the plan is as follows; Step 1: apologize to L. Step 2: Stop sleeping in the living room. Step 3: Ignore this thing going on between them until it goes away on its own.

However, L showed quite clearly yesterday that he doesn’t want to listen to an apology. Light sighs, why does L always have to be so difficult? He resolves to give the detective some space. The books on chess tactics provide a good distraction, Light spends the day reading at the desk in the living room. L has passed through once or twice on his way from the office to the kitchen and back, he has yet to even acknowledge Light’s presence. By evening Light moves his books to the sofa and, to his surprise, L emerges from the office and sets up his things on the desk Light vacated. That in itself is a good sign. Best to remain silent thought, and let L speak first. After about 30 minutes he actually does.

“Light, do you have a moment?”

Light looks up from the book he's reading. “Yes, do you want me to get something for you?”

“No. I’d like a second opinion on this chat log. I pulled it from the computer of one of the victims.”

“Well… I’m not familiar with the case, but I could take a look,” getting up from the sofa Light moves over to stand behind L.

“My first thought was that the victim was blackmailing someone, but going over it again I’m not sure…”

Does this mean that L is willing to pretend as if the fight never happened? If so, Light should be relieved. He’s off the hook, right? Leaning over L’s shoulder to read the text, he doesn’t feel relieved. He feels nervous. Suddenly he is acutely aware of L, who is simultaneously too close and not close enough. The memory of the kiss resurfaces again, of L stepping into his personal space, leaning in, the soft slide of lips against his own... Light firmly shoves it to the back of his mind, forcing himself to concentrate on the task at hand.

“That is definitely an attempt at blackmail,” he says, hating how his voice sounds slightly strained. “But it is strangely worded…”

They bounce ideas between themselves, managing to come up with some new theories. L hands Light the case summary and asks him to read up on it. Just like that, he is allowed to re-join in the detective work. Light takes the file, being extra careful not to accidentally brush his hand against L’s. He straightens, but doesn’t move away from L. The fight still gnaws on his conscience, pretending that nothing happened doesn’t sit quite right with him. It also goes against the plan.

“About the other day… I wish to apologise. You’ve been really good with everything that’s been going on with me and I just… Completely disregarded your boundaries with the sleeping pills. I want you to know that I’m sorry.”

“So formal,” L says raising his eyebrows at Light, voice sarcastic.

“Well, it needed to be said. And I promise you that I will be more mindful in the future. It won’t happen again,” Light does his best to pour as much earnestness into that sentence as possible, willing L to believe him.

Something in L’s expression softens. “Ok,” he says, reaching out a hand and touches Light’s upper arm. What feels almost like electricity spreads from the point where L is touching him all the way down to his fingertips making them tingle. “You are hereby forgiven. Happy?”

Their eyes meet and L seems lost for a second, the hand on Light’s arm lingers. Then it is suddenly snatched away as if it burned L. Light gives L a searching look but the soft expression has been replaced by L’s carefully crafted neutral face which makes it impossible to guess at what the detective it thinking.

“Thanks,” Light says rather hesitantly. “I’ll… um… take a look at the file?”

L nods and turns back to his laptop. Light returns to the sofa.

So, it might just be that L still has feelings for him. Light can scarcely believe it, just considering it makes him feel like a total narcissist. It makes him feel other things too, a heady mix of anxiety and excitement for example.

It would never work out, he reminds himself. He was Kira, someone like that shouldn’t be with someone like L. No, he needs to focus on getting over his feelings, putting more distance between them will help with that.

Needing some form of mental distraction Light decides to continue focusing on chess. Watari finds him a chess set and Light borrows more books from the library. The following days are spent pouring over the books, when he is not working that is. Next Sunday he’s back at the café.

Mary is already engaged in a game when Light shows up. Instead, he plays the guy who he saw Mary beat last time, one Thomas Robin. After an intense game Light comes out on top, the training having paid off. By then Mary has moved on to another game so Light stays and chats with Thomas for a while, waiting for the seat opposite Mary to open up. Thomas tells Light that Mary and he are both part of a small friend group who met while attending these weekly chess games. He also talks a lot about himself, his work and his partner. It feels a bit strange, conversing with people who so freely share so much about themselves with a complete stranger. Light makes up some lies about being a student at Harvard.

Eventually, he gets to play Mary again and, although the game is more even this time, she still manages to beat him.

“Oh, don’t look so upset love. I’ve been playing for longer than you’ve been alive,” she smiles at him. Light wants to flip the chess board over.

Despite his annoyance he stays at the table. Swallowing his pride, he actually asks for some pointes regarding the game. Mary gladly shares what she knows. She is so sweet and open that despite himself he cannot help but like her just a little bit. She reminds him of his mother. If his mother were American and could beat him at chess.

The week after that he's at the café again, and the week after that. By the third time he visits the café it’s no longer about beating Mary at chess, although he still hasn’t managed to do that. It’s nice to hang out with others who doesn’t know who he is, or what he has done, for a change. Especially when they are intellectual and welcoming people. After they are done playing for the day Mary invites him and some of the others to dinner at her apartment on Wednesday. Seeing as he has nothing else planned, and that it will have the added benefit of distracting him from thoughts about L, Light accepts.

Wednesday morning finds him sitting by the kitchen table, a cup of coffee next to him, reading the morning paper, when L walks in holding two folders and some loose papers. He unceremoniously dumps them on top of Light’s newspaper.

“You need to read up on this. We’ll be leaving for Vancouver in two hours.”

This is the first Light has heard about this new case. He feels like rolling his eyes because this behaviour is so typically L, but, as he looks over at L, he is met with a small, teasing but also very cute, smile, which causes his brain to just. Stop. So instead of rolling his eyes Light only just manages to keep his voice calm as be blurts out “I have dinner at Mary’s scheduled for tonight.”

“So, you cannot travel to Vancouver to help me solve a triple homicide… Because you have dinner at Mary’s?” it is obvious by L’s slightly petulant tone that he is disappointed.

A part of Light regrets mentioning the dinner but the more logical part of himself tells him that this is for the best. He is putting distance between them, just as he decided to do. “I’ve already said I’m going. This is the first time I’ve been invited, if I cancel last minute Mary might be offended. Is there any way I could help you with the case remotely?”

L stares at him for longer than would be polite, but this is L so staring is par for the course. Light wonders if L suspects anything. He makes sure to present L with a relaxed smile which does its absolute best at conveying honesty and that the owner of said smile has nothing to hide. When L’s eyes suddenly widen and the detective looks away Light is forced to wonder if L didn’t see through him after all. L has an almost embarrassed look about him.

“If I thought that we could solve the case remotely I wouldn’t be going to Vancouver. However, I have another case lined up, you could start working on that?” L says, still not looking at Light.

Light accepts and then awkwardly helps L gather up the case files for the Vancouver case, all the while worrying over how much L knows. Light has stopped sleeping on the living room sofa but maybe he has shown other signs without meaning to?

Not even an hour later, L and Watari leave for the airport and Light is left alone in the apartment for the first time since he arrived there over a year ago.

Reading up on the case L left for him doesn’t take long. Once he is finished, Light swivels in his desk chair, ready to share some of his initial theories with L, only to remember that L isn’t here. That’s ok, Light can manage on his own. He does some more research before reaching out to one of their contacts in the area to get some help with the legwork. By then it is time to start getting ready for dinner. As Light moves around the apartment he cannot help but wonder if it has always been this empty. The furniture and paintings on the walls are the same but, somehow, everything seems farther apart, like somehow the silence is increasing the distance. It’s a silly thought so he pushes it aside.

Returning to the dark and silent apartment after the dinner party the same feeling of emptiness hits him. The most annoying part is that the emptiness doesn’t feel equal to the physical space L occupies.

Work is a welcome distraction. There is no word from L, not that day or the next. It probably means that he is busy working as well.

Three days after L left, Light is able to wrap up his case. It has him feeling unusually excided, it is a completely different feeling compared to the calm satisfaction of a job well done he normally associates with solving a case. He doesn’t question it and thus doesn’t realise the real reason for his excitement until he is calling L and Watari picks up. L is busy and cannot talk so Light has to give his report to Watari. As he does so the excitement slowly morphs into disappointment.

To be perfectly honest, Light is surprised that L didn’t take the time to speak with him. However, that surprise is overtaken by annoyance at himself for being disappointed by not getting to talk with L. It’s pathetic honestly, it hasn’t even been a week since they last spoke.

The phone call ends with Watari giving him a new case, curtesy of L. Concentrating on solving this new case seems to be a good way to distract himself from the fact that he apparently has grown embarrassingly co-dependant on L.

The week continues in a similar manner as the Vancouver case drags on, effectively consuming all of L’s time. Light solves the new case in under two days but, again, L is unavailable and he gets to give his report to Watari. After ending the call with Watari the apartment feels emptier still. The emptiness makes his thought circle towards the self-destructive and negative. Maybe L is avoiding him because of something he did? Has he noticed Light behaving more like his former self lately? Actively pushing the thoughts aside he picks up his laptop and opens a case file but reading the names of the suspects makes him break out into a cold sweat. As the starts to feel lightheaded he closes the laptop.

When he starts to feel like this talking to L usually helps. However, L isn’t here. So, he contacts some of his new Boston friends and arrange to go out for lunch. The thing is, it actually works. After lunch he is able to pick up work again without the intrusive thoughts getting in the way. What doesn’t go away is his wish to talk to L about the his theories, about the work or just about anything really.
So, although step 1 and 2 of his plan can be ticked off the metaphorical checklist, step 3, i.e., ignore feelings until they go away, is not going so well.

A week and a day after he left, L is back in Boston.

Staying true to himself, L did not tell Light that he had solved the case or when he would return. Because of this they end up passing each other in the door, Light is on his way out to play tennis with Thomas and his partner. If he had known that L would be returning today Light would have cancelled. He could still cancel, but that would mean giving L yet another clue that may help him figure out that Light has feelings for him. That would work against the plan, so Light goes to the tennis game.

L being back in the apartment turns out to be hell on Light’s nerves. He is constantly experiencing a low level of stress and has to put a lot of effort into acting like everything is normal. It’s frustrating that this is affecting him so much, wasn’t he once a literal serial killer working in close proximity to the detective trying to capture him? That has got to have been worse right? Shouldn’t his body have become desensitised to the stress of hiding something from the person you spend most of your time with? Apparently not. So, as much as he has missed talking to L, Light finds he needs to give himself a mental break every now and then. This mental break comes in the form of him spending more and more time with his new friends.

When he gets back from Sunday chess that week L is waiting for him in the living room. Light tries to ignore him as he passes through on the way to his bedroom.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Light stops. Has he been avoiding L? He has been trying to put space between them but he didn’t think L would notice that. Maybe, he hasn’t been as subtle with it as he intended. Damn it, he can feel his heart speed up. He has to force himself to calm down before turning towards L, putting on a confused and slightly annoyed air as he does so.

“I have not, we spent all of yesterday working together.”

“And then you went over to Thomas for dinner. The day before that you went with some friends to the Museum of Fine Arts. This is the first time I’ve seen you today.”

“Do you miss my company?” Light gives L a teasing smile, hoping the quip will be enough to make L back down.

“Yes, but I can take a hint. I don’t see the need to keep you here like a prisoner anymore. If you wish to build a life for yourself, here in Boston or somewhere else, me and Watari will assist you. You have worked with me for little over a year, so far without payment. I could either pay you what you’ve earned this far and you can find a place on your own, or we could find something for you, whichever you would prefer. I believe you still enjoy the work we do but if you’d rather start over doing something else that could be arranged to.”

Light blinks dumbly at L, trying to think of what to say.

“I thought one of the stipulations from Interpol when they released me into your custody was that you and Watari would keep me under strict surveillance?”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly planning on asking them for permission on this,” L gives him an amused smile. “Besides, keeping you here against your will is likely to do more harm than good. We would still keep you under surveillance, of course, but we would do so from a distance.”

“Do you really believe that I want to leave?” the confusion in Light’s voice is genuine because never has L been this wrong about something.

“You don’t?” L asks, sounding as confused as Light.

“No. I hadn’t even thought of leaving. What made you think I wanted to leave?”

“We have already established that you’ve been avoiding me. I thought that I had made you feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t feel uncomfortable around you. Why would I feel uncomfortable around you?”

They stare at each other, both equally confused.

“… No reason,” L says eventually.

“… Right. Ok. Good. I was going to go read up on that Orlando case that just came in. If you don’t mind?” Light makes a gesture towards the office.

“No. Go ahead.”

Light spends the rest of the day picking apart that conversation. It has seriously strengthened the theory that L has feelings for him. Still, he is unwilling to accept it as a definitive truth. There is always the possibility that he is interpreting this all wrong, but it’s slim.

What is surprising is that he has managed to mislead L so completely. Up until now that is. Because if there is one thing of which he is absolutely sure it is that L is currently also going over and examining every minute detail of that conversation.

If being around L was stressful before it is even worse now. The awkward silence stretches throughout the day as Light wonders and worries about what L is thinking. He gets little to no work done. The first time Light wonders if telling L might not be for the best, they are having breakfast together the next day. L is quiet and seems pensive. Light does his best to hide his nerves as he steals glances at the detective. Telling L would mean no more hiding his feelings and wondering about L’s. They would just know. With some luck he might even get the headspace back to properly focus on case work. And if it all goes to hell at least he can always leave, L has given him that option.

By lunch the idea has properly taken root. Maybe they need to talk? It won’t even be the most awkward talk they’ve had. Nothing will ever beat the conversation in the holding cell at the end of the Kira case. There is no need to worry, the outcome will be the same no matter what L feels about him. Once the air has been cleared, they will both understand that they don’t want the same thing, what with Light being asexual and all. They will talk, and then agree to stay friends. And there is no reason for him to feel sad about that.

With a sigh Light closes his computer. He has put off the conversation for most of the afternoon and evening, choosing to work from his room. It’s past 11 pm, normally he would be getting ready for bed about now. However, going to bed would be pointless, it’s not like he would be able to sleep.

L is, of course, still awake. Light finds the detective in the living room seated by the coffee table, his computer precariously balanced on his lap. On the table in front of L is Light’s chessboard. It wasn’t there at lunchtime which means L must have moved it. Curiosity peaked, Light sits down opposite L.

“Did you want to play?” he asks.

L looks up from his computer. “What do I get if I win?”

“The satisfaction of beating me?” Light offers. L just raises his eyebrows, unimpressed. Light is about to wave the whole thing to the side, he did not come here to play chess, but then he has an idea. “How about this: the looser has to tell one truth?”

“That could potentially be interesting,” L allows, putting his computer to the side.

L’s playing style is strange, to say the least. Some of the combinations are familiar to Light but most seem to be improvised, invented by L in the moment. Light wonders if this is how he himself played the first time he showed up at the café. At first his plan was to purposefully loose but it’s an interesting match. Also, he is loath to lose to L after having put time and effort into getting better at chess this last month. Playing against L never fails to bring out his competitive side.

Being the more experienced player, Light is not too surprised to come out on top. L is obviously annoyed at his loss, it’s pretty amusing.

“I guess that means you owe me one truth,” Light says, smiling cheekily at L.

Biting down on his tumbnail, L thinks for a moment. Light leans back in his chair and waits patiently.

“Remember when we were playing that game where you present three statements about yourself and the other person has to guess which ones are true and which ones are lies?” he pauses waiting for Light to nod in agreement before continuing, “you got the last two right but not the first one, I’ve only broken my arm once.”

“How did it happen?” Light asks, genuinely curious.

L looks him dead in the eye and with the most dead-pan voice imaginable says, “I fell off a swivel chair.”

Light doesn’t even have to imagine it because he’s seen L fall off a chair before. Still, imagine falling off a rotating chair because you insist on squatting on it like a damn moron and learning nothing from the experience.

“You can stop laughing now it wasn’t that funny,” L cuts in.

Catching his breath, Light looks up at him and, at the sight of the small fond smile L is wearing, sobers up a little. The expression is unusually open, at least by L’s standards. He can feel a blush creep up his neck and does his best to will it away. The smile is reminding him of the real reason he came to talk to L. He clears his throat and looks down at the chess set. “Would you like a re-match?”

L agrees and they place the chess pieces back at their starting positions. Light is no longer aiming to lose; their talk can wait until later. Thinking about it now will only distract him and make him throw the game. Which would force him to tell L one truth… No, that can wait. It is easier, and more fun, to beat L in a strategy game. The price is pretty tempting as well.

This time the game takes longer. L manages to skilfully manoeuvre out of one of Light’s combinations, he looks pretty pleased with himself for that.

“Have you played much before?” Light asks.

“I could tell you if you win.”

“That is not a very interesting truth, not much of a price for winning against the great L.”

“And the story of me breaking my arm was?”

“Definitely.”

In the end, Light still manages to pin down L’s pieces. After having studied the chessboard for an intense minute, L tips over his king.

“Well played. I resign.”

“Have you thought of a more interesting truth? Or will you regale me with stories from back when you were in chess club?”

“I was never in chess club. Don’t look so disappointed, I’ll give you that for free.”

“How generous,” Light smiles. L does not smile back. He meets Light’s eyes with his usual blank stare, only it seems more open and sincere.

“In the beginning of the Kira case when I told you that you were my first friend, that was a lie. I did not consider you a friend back then. I rather disliked you actually. It’s ironic that it turned out to be true in the end. I find working with you very rewarding and talking with you even more so.”

Light swallows, he can feel the blush from earlier coming back with a vengeance. He kind of already knew L felt that way but to hear the words spoken aloud is surprising. “I feel the same,” and damn it all, his voice is a little unsteady. This feels like the moment to tell L but all of a sudden it’s as if all words are escaping him. Just broaching the subject feels like stepping off a cliff.

“How about another game?” L asks, giving Light a vaguely amused look as if he knows about Light’s predicament.

Why is it so difficult to tell him? Light needs a push. He needs to choose a game L will win so that he is forced to tell the truth. “You’re not going to beat me at chess, L. How about we play something else? In fact…” Light is grinning as he gets up from the sofa, “I know just the game”. He noticed it before, sitting in one of the bookshelves in the living room. Returning to the sofa with the box he holds it up to L, “you’ve never lost a game, right?”

‘Sorry!’ is a luck-based game and indeed last time they played L won all three times. He is cheating, of course, but Light hasn’t been able to figure out how.

“I’m beginning to suspect that there is something you want to tell me,” L says, still looking amused.

“Only one way for you to find out, right?”

They move the chessboard to the side and set up the board for ‘Sorry!’. Still curious to know how L cheats, Light watches him closely. So closely that it takes him a little too long to realize that L is falling behind and is actually losing. When Light moves his last pawn into his “home” L still has two of his left on the board. The surprise on Light’s face seems to further amuse L.

“You do know that this is a luck-based game, right?” he teases. “You did not actually think I had some secret tactic that only I knew about?”

Of course, Light knew that, but L just loves making him look stupid, doesn’t he? “I just thought you had found some cleaver way of cheating.”

“At ‘Sorry!’, really Light?”

L’s amused smile is actually getting on his nerves now. The detective probably did this on purpose just to ruin Light’s plan. Well, he succeeded, the mood is completely ruined now. Better just call it a day, right? He doesn’t really feel like saying anything anymore.

“It’s getting pretty late, I should probably go to bed now,” he makes a move to get up from the sofa. He feels calmer now, less anxious, but also a little guilty. It’s the kind of guilty one feels when cleaning the house despite knowing that what one really should be doing is one’s homework.

As Light moves to stand up L catches his wrist. Light stops but gives L an annoyed look. As usual L ignores it.

“I still owe you one truth.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m too tired…” Light cuts himself off as L shifts his grip from Light’s wrist and gently takes his hand. Light’s heart immediately answers by speeding up. He is still looking at L but the other man won’t meet his eyes.

“I know that you have feelings for me,” L tells Light’s hand.

Light can feel himself blushing. “That’s the truth you’re going to share?”

L is still looking at their hands but a small smile is tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Yes. You made it clear yesterday that you weren’t avoiding me because I make you uncomfortable and just now you confirmed that you like spending time with me. Knowing that, you having feelings for me is the only thing left that would explain your behaviour lately. Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re right,” Light is trying hard to not sound as breathless as he feels. Not one to be outdone he continues, “for what it’s worth I know that you’re still in love with me.” It’s a bluff, he isn’t 100 % sure.

“Yes, but you figured that out before I left for Vancouver.”

Light feels lightheaded, it’s half relief half nerves. L thought he knew. So that’s why he was worried that Light felt uncomfortable around him.

“I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure until now.”

“Ah. A bluff?” L is smiling but the smile is still directed at their joined hands. Light would very much like to kiss that smile…

“I’ve been trying to distance myself from you,” Light confesses. He pulls a little on the hand L is holding and L lets go without a fight. “It’s… I can’t do a relationship. I used to be Kira… The notion is absurd.”

“So, you are going to not only continue to punish yourself for what you did but you are going to punish me as well?” L looks up, looks right into Light’s eyes. Light averts his gaze.

“You know a relationship might be difficult for me. The fact that I have,” he pauses struggling to get the words out, “romantic feelings” (there, was that so hard?) ”for you, does not change the fact that I’m asexual. We don’t want the same thing.”

“I didn’t think it would,” L sighs. “I don’t know if it will work out. I just know that I’m in love with you. If you feel the same then I expect we will figure out the rest together. We’re good at that. I think it’s worth a try.”

Light melts a little at those words. The conversation isn’t going like he expected and he doesn’t quite know what do to…

Turing L down would be the right thing to do. Light doesn’t deserve this, it’s not right. However, L says he loves him, doesn’t L deserve to be loved in return? Or is that just him trying to find an excuse?
Maybe, it isn’t about what they deserve or what he should or shouldn’t do. Life is rarely that simple or fair.

Maybe, right now, it’s about what they want.

What does he want?

Taking another deep breath, Light turns back towards L. L looks happy and for once it’s clearly written across his face for anyone to see. The expression makes what little resolve Light have left evaporate. He hesitantly reaches out his hand and places it on L’s cheek. His hand feels like its buzzing and his head is spinning, he is nervous and happy all at once. It’s the kind of feeling you get almost drunk on. L is smiling at him again.

“I want to give it a try,” Light says, voice steady. He still very much wants to kiss that smile. So, he does.

L meets him halfway.