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The sun showed itself for the first time in weeks, and Ivan was extremely excited about it. Due to the rain, he was trapped in his home most of the day and his thin walls didn’t muffle the noises of his parents arguing. But it was fine, absolutely fine, Ivan always convinced himself. His papa and mama loved each other, so they would make up and be happy again one day. They were just having a hard time right now.
His day just seemed to be getting luckier, with his papa coming out of his study and offering to take Ivan to a local candy shop. It was exciting— the first time that month he actually got to hang out with his papa. They used to hang out every weekend, but after some work-related thing that neither of his parents dared explain, he almost never saw his papa, much less hang out with him.
So today was a very special day, and Ivan was going to make it more special by wearing the cap his papa bought him for his birthday. It was still too big for his head, but his favorite nonetheless. It was something he got from his papa recently, and he wanted to show how much he treasured it.
Before they left, his papa hugged mama and him. Ivan’s chest was bubbling with excitement and warmth. Things were definitely going back to normal, Ivan was convinced now. If papa was coming out and hugging them before leaving like he did before the whole mess it meant things were going back to normal.
Just like old times, Ivan got to be carried on his papa’s back. They were smiling and laughing, it was like how it was months ago. Ivan completely forgot about the whole drama while picking out his candy. He knew he would never have to think of it again, because they fixed the problem and everything would go back to normal.
He wished he was right about that.
On the way back, his papa did something out of the ordinary. His face turned dark again when he called Ivan, asking him to jump in front of the first carriage he saw.
It didn’t make any sense— why would Ivan jump? Wouldn't that get him hurt? It must have been some joke, but to his horror his papa explained his plan about Ivan pretending to get hurt, likely to charge whoever was riding it.
Obviously Ivan wasn't going to do something so crazy, but his father yelled at him. Ivan’s world stopped and it felt harder to breathe. Things weren’t going back to normal. They were getting worse.
That was all Ivan could think of as they waited for a carriage rich enough to pass by. He wasn’t ready for one to come by and he panicked. Without hesitation, his father pushed him off the sidewalk into the street. The betrayal, the hurt, the many feelings that pulled and hurt his heart like nothing he ever felt before. It spread from his heart to the rest of his chest, to his stomach, to his legs and face until his whole body was filled with panic and pain. It was too much for him, and his world went black.
—————
Ivan was greeted to a familiar wooden ceiling. It was still dark, so he could hardly see it, but he knew it was there. It took him a few minutes of blinking and feeling around to realize that he was in his bed at the organization. It was just a dream.
Or a nightmare more like; his body was heavier than a pile of rocks and tears wouldn't stop spilling from his face. His pillow was wet with tears too, he must have been crying in his sleep.
How embarrassing, Ivan sniffled as quietly as he could, trying not to wake up the many other people who slept in the same room. His father told him that men don't cry, but here he was sobbing silently into his pillow. Maybe that was why his dad decided to sell him away without too much thought. He wasn't good enough for his family.
He hated how he did nothing while his parents fought and struggled. He played the fool, and blindly assumed one day things would go back to normal. If only he did something, his parents would be happy and his father would accept him back in the family.
That was why he needed to get money so quickly; with money all of his family's problems would go away. They would all be back together and Ivan would feel wanted again. He would do anything for that warm, safe feeling. Staining his hands with the blood of others or stealing from strangers was worth it. It was the only way to get his family back, and Ivan was more than willing to do it as long as he needed to.
Right now, Ivan wasn't getting any closer to that dream of his. He was crying miserably, like that small child from that day. The fact that he barely changed, was all that he did really worth it? Maybe he was playing the fool again.
After all, his parents house was destroyed after he was sold.
Playing the fool was all Ivan could do it seemed. It was in his nature to believe that his parents just moved into a different house and everything was okay. Ruwanda would mock him for it, probably saying something about how there was no way his parents were alive. Ruwanda had no right to talk, fully believing his mother was alive and would find him one day. In a sense, they were similar.
Ivan never considered it much, but it brought him comfort to think he wasn't the only one playing the role of the fool. Believing that only good will happen because considering the bad is too much. Maybe one day Ivan would ask Ruwanda if he ever had doubts about his mother. Knowing his stubborn personality, he’d likely disagree quickly and say that he wasn't like Ivan. But they were similar in that way. So Ruwanda likely did have doubts.
Ivan didn't understand why thinking of Ruwanda brought him comfort. He hated Ruwanda. They fought about four times each day to prove it. They disagreed on everything yet they were so similar in so many ways. Their relationship was complex, and neither of them completely understood it.
Ivan crawled down from his bunk bed to see Ruwanda sleeping in the lower bunk. He slept like the dead, completely still. Ruwanda’s face was naturally very pale and sickly looking. Rumors around the organization carried stories of Ruwanda spending most of his life in his basement, explaining the face drained of any life and the social awkwardness. He didn't know why he’d be living in a basement— Ivan actually found it so fitting it was funny. Maybe he wasn't useful to his mother like how Ivan failed his father, and was locked away. If he thought of it that way it became increasingly less funny.
He was still staring at Ruwanda’s face. He must have been in a deep sleep, usually Ruwanda wakes up if you dare move in the same room as him. Always cautious of everything. Someone staring at him in his sleep would normally wake him up very quickly, and he won’t be happy about it.
Ivan should go back to his bed and get some rest. He knows he should, it was a busy day and all he was doing was losing sleep. But he couldn't stop looking at Ruwanda’s bed and his heartache because he craved to feel the warmth of another human being. He wanted to feel someone hug him like his father used to, but this time indubitably safe. Ruwanda would never do that, and Ivan scoffed at the thought. In fact, it would be scary if he did. Ivan wasn't thinking straight from lack of sleep.
Clearly he was going insane from lack of sleep, because he ended up finding himself tucking himself into Ruwanda’s bed next to him. Ruwanda was definitely awake now. He stared at him with those wide cat eyes.
“What the fuck are you doing.” Ruwanda hissed, backing to the edge of his bed.
“My bed wa’ too cold! Yer bed is much warm’r.” Ivan lied, grinning. Ruwanda stared back in horror and disgust. Ivan expected him to kick him out and stare at Ivan as he slept to make sure Ivan stayed in his bed, and not Ruwanda’s.
Ruwanda must have been incredibly tired, because in a matter of seconds he turned away and fell back asleep, taking most of the blanket with him in the process.
Well, now Ivan was actually cold. Confused as hell as well. He didn't expect Ruwanda to let him stay. He wasn’t sure whether he should try to go back into his own bed or stay here. Going back to his own bed and getting a whole blanket to himself sounded appealing, but it also meant being alone. Even with all of the blanket to himself, his loneliness would make him colder than ever.
So, with a few persistent tugs, he managed to get a bit of Ruwanda’s blanket from his little Ruwanda-Cocoon he made. After pulling as much as he could, he got under it and turned away from Ruwanda. Facing him was too embarrassing.
Even though they fought everyday and hated each other more than anything else, Ivan felt the same warmth that he did when his parents hugged him, here in Ruwanda’s bed. He only hoped that Ruwanda wouldn't betray him too. But then again, these were just the thoughts of a simple little child, playing the fool.