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Kit wakes up confused and groggy, and it takes him a full 30 seconds to realize it’s still night time. He’s gotten used to waking up a few minutes before his alarm, so the lack of ringing isn’t particularly concerning. There’s a different noise reaching his ears, however, erratic and muffled, and it’s coming from the other side of the bed, Mark’s side.
Kit tries his best to turn gently without displacing the arm that’s currently draped around his waist. The noise is definitely alarming, broken hiccups and sniffling that sounds suspiciously like crying. Mark’s eyes are still closed but Kit can see the light from the moon and the city lights glistening on fresh tear streaks. He cups Mark’s cheek with a hand and catches a fresh tear as another sob leaves his boyfriend’s lips.
“Mark? Are you okay?” Kit whispers quietly. He’s worried, but it’s the middle of the night and Mark still seems mostly asleep; he doesn’t want to startle him. Mark shifts against him, tightening his hold around Kit and burying his face in his chest.
“Mark, are you awake?” he repeats, dropping a kiss to the top of Mark’s head.
“...No?” is the half formed answer mumbled against his chest. His boyfriend doesn’t seem to be in pain, and Kit isn’t even sure he is awake enough to realize there’s tears all over his face.
“Mark, you’re crying. Are you alright?” The question seems to wake Mark up, because he finally opens his eyes and raises his head.
“I’m crying?” And as he says it, he chokes on another sob. He brings a hand up to rub his eyes and feels the wetness on its back.
“Oh, I am. I was dreaming.”
Kit had figured as much, but he still needs to make sure that his boyfriend isn’t actually upset or in pain.
“Was it a nightmare, can you remember? Do you want to talk about it?”
Mark blinks a few times, drying his cheeks with his pajama sleeve.
“It was just a dream, P’Kit, I’m fine.” he says, but the way his fingers dig into Kit’s side gives him away. There’s more to this, and Kit is determined to find out what it is.
“Mark, look at me. If you’re really okay we can go back to sleep, but if there’s something I can do for you, I want you to tell me.” Kit says, trying to sound stern and soft at the same time. Mark finally makes eye contact and Kit can tell right away that he’s not fine. His eyes are still wet, and the smile Mark gives him is a forced one.
“It wasn’t a nightmare, I promise,” Mark tells him while Kit drops a kiss on his forehead. “Just a memory.”
Oh . Kit swears he can feel his heart stop in his chest for a second. If it’s a bad memory, and Mark is clinging to him so tightly, then…
“Was I in it?” he asks, even though he’s already sure of the answer. Mark nods, and Kit wishes he hadn’t been right, but at least Mark is not trying to hide it.
“Hm. It was when I confessed and you left. Don't worry, P'Kit, now I know what you meant, but in the dream I didn’t yet so I guess it made me a bit sad again.” Mark is being uncharacteristically soft spoken, head once again tucked under Kit’s chin and eyes downcast. Kit’s heart breaks, because they’ve talked about it plenty of times now but it must still not be enough if Mark is waking up crying about it. He wraps his arms around him, kisses his forehead again and tries his hardest to let Mark feel that he’s there now and he isn’t leaving ever again.
“I’m so sorry, Mark. I really should have handled things better. The last thing I wanted was for you to have nightmares about it, especially now that it’s been months.”
Mark doesn’t say anything, doesn’t try to reassure Kit that he’s all right, he just shuffles even closer until their bodies are completely pressed against each other. Kit strokes his hair soothingly, kisses his temples first, then his nose and his cheeks.
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better right now?” he asks. He’s not used to seeing Mark this vulnerable, and it has awoken a protective instinct in him, even though he realizes the enemy he has to protect him from is past Kit and there isn’t much he can do.
“Just keep holding me like this,” Mark replies, and Kit can feel the warmth of each word on his skin.
“Of course.” It’s the least I can do , Kit thinks. Their complicated history has left its mark on both of them, and it hurts because they’re in love and they’re together now but somehow it’s not enough. It’s a matter of time, a matter of showing their deepest insecurities that there’s nothing to worry about, but Kit wishes he could do something to speed up the process. He knows he’s bad at showing affection, yet somehow Mark seems to be able to read through his shell and understand him despite everything.
They’re good for each other. They’ve messed up and there’s no going back to undo it, but they can fix it. The boy currently falling asleep in Kit’s arms deserves to have peaceful dreams and calm nights, and if Kit can’t do anything to stop the nightmares he’ll make sure he’s always there to kiss away the tears in the morning.
Kit is pretty sure he has reached a point where he wouldn’t deny him anything anymore, and it would be scary but it’s Mark . Kit has never been treated the way Mark treats him. He doesn’t feel like he’s being put on a pedestal and adored blindly, because Mark acknowledges his flaws. Mark likes them, though, says Kit would be too unnaturally perfect without them. He often tells Kit that his flaws make him different from everyone else, they’re his and they can get annoying and Kit will have to work on them a bit, but Mark doesn’t mind. It’s hard for Kit to wrap his head around it, but then again he’s also aware of Mark’s flaws and doesn’t mind them either. He’s fond of some of them, actually, he likes how overprotective Mark can get, he appreciates his stubbornness in making sure Kit is alright because sometimes Kit says he is when in reality he isn’t at all. Mark always double checks, triple checks, insists, and that somehow gets Kit to break and be honest.
“I love you,” he whispers in Mark’s hair. He doesn’t care if Mark hears him or not, it’s not meant for him this time. It’s a reminder for himself to be more upfront with what he’s feeling, to reward Mark with more moments of softness.
Mark shifts in his arms and for a moment Kit sees his face in the moonlight. He doesn’t find any tears there this time, no frowning, just a blissfully content smile.