Chapter Text
Sephiroth sat on a rock in his yard at around dinnertime eating an only-the-Goddess-knows-how-old Applebee's meal he found in the back of his fridge. Well, actually, scratch that, the first part. He didn't even live here, just sorta said he did and everybody either believed him or just didn't care. He only used the house as a storage shed for his pears and crap anyway, crap as in Applebee's food. But he liked the yard. The grass was soft and green and sprouted a myriad of tiny yellow flowers in the springtime. There were some skinny aspens and a young pear tree he planted out in the far corner of the yard in hopes it would bear fruit, someday. It was a pleasant place to sit and bark at kids whenever they'd come near 'his' lawn (even though they weren't even touching it most of the time. It's just what the fuck else was he going to do but be a dog?)
Actually, it'd been really lonely recently. First of all, he hasn't seen Cloud in ages, and as much as he'd never admit it, he was a smidge worried about him, but, like, definitely because he didn't want somebody else going out and terrorizing him for no reason themselves. THAT WAS HIS JOB! It was his only purpose in life! Now all he ever does is eat Applebee's and feel sorry for himself. He already got what he wanted, and damn was it easy without Cloud around! Point is is that it's a lot like creative mode in Minecraft, once you do—or build—whatever the fuck you want, you eventually start to run out of ideas, or you just get bored or something, except this is the real life, you can't just push 'quit game' and do something else. All there is is 'quit game' and do something never again because then you're dead. And Sephiroth was not just gonna 'quit game' because that is just plain ridiculous!
And second of all, he has no friends. No friends, no boyfriend… no enemies even! Damn, what the fuck is going on?!
Sephiroth sighed as he finished the last of his chocobo alfredo, which is disgusting, and put the plastic fork into the foam box in his lap. Sephiroth pondered just how the fuck his life came to this, and that maybe if he'd confessed his feelings to Genesis he'd never end up in that library, preventing all of this from ever happening. And about how much he wanted to strangle Cloud, even though he wasn't even that bad and has never done anything wrong in his life and—
He heard a snap, wrenching him out of his thoughts for the moment and he scanned the area, his eyes eventually landing on some John Doe mofo in a mailman outfit, and almost instantly he barked at him.
"ARF! ARF ARF! WOOF, BARK BARK! AWOOOOO! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWWWWN, ASSHOOOOOLE!" The mailman did not listen and continued forward. "I'M WARNING YOU, COME ANY CLOSER TO ME I'LL—"
"HERE'S THE MAIL, IT NEVER FAILS!"
"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ASKING FOR IIIIT!" Sephiroth screamed and charged up his giga flare.
"IT MAKES ME WANNA WAG MY TAIL!"
The flare turned blue...
"AND WHEN IT COMES I WANNA WAIL," Sephiroth blinked and suddenly the mailman had these huge bulging muscles and then he drew a deep, deep breath and wailed, "MMMMMAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLL!!!!"
Sephiroth released his giga flare and as it came barreling towards the guy, he swung his arm faster than even Sephiroth could comprehend, and deflected it towards 'his' house, blowing it to smithereens. "MY PEARS!" Sephiroth shrieked and the mailman threw a knife in his general direction and it barely missed him. The mailman stopped in front of him and grinned innocently, his muscles seemingly back to normal.
"You just got a letter~🎵
You just got a letter~ 🎵
You just got a letter~🎵
I wonder who it's from~🎵"
"WHO ARE YOU?!" Sephiroth shouted and the mailman completely ignored him, pulling the letter out of the envelope.
"Dearest Sephiroth," he read, "You have been invited to join the Smash family as a playable DLC character! Meet with me at Smash Headquarters and I can get you in. Love intimately, Mr. Masahiro Sakurai~"
"Wow~! You must be really lucky!" Said the mailman, twirling his orange ponytail. "I wish I could fight people, but I'm just the mailman~! Haha!"
Sephiroth could feel himself losing braincells as the mailman handed him the letter, and he looked at it, making sure he was still able to read after all that, then he flipped it around and glared at the mailman. "No."
The mailman stopped twirling his ponytail and stared Sephiroth dead in the eye. "No, you say~?" There was something… frightening in that mailman's eyes. Even Sephiroth, Mr. IAin'tScaredOfAnything was admittedly somewhat disturbed, especially with how he deflected his giga flare earlier with nothing but a flick of his wrist and a knife, and he grew muscles whenever he looked away for like, less than a second. This mailman proved he was much more than just a mailman… he didn't know what he was, like, dunno, a youkai or something.
The mailman again approached him, more menacingly than before somehow because his muscles were back and bigger than ever, and Sephiroth pulled out his sword and feebly swung it at him. The mailman dodged it barely, bending his back in such a way that made everybody who witnessed it-'s back hurt, and he continued his steady pace. The mailman soldiered on, backing Sephiroth into the rock in his yard, and he tripped and fell onto the floor. "STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL KILL YOU!" Sephiroth threatened, no one having approached him for anything unless it was a hot waiter at Applebee's coming to take his order so he was obviously rusty on the matter, then the mailman grabbed him and quickly set him to feet, wrapping his hand around his throat and pushing him against the one wall that miraculously still stood after the explosion. Sephiroth gasped and flailed his arms and legs at him, desperately trying to get a hit on him but somehow failing every single time.
"Your screaming of 'I'll kill you' has already sealed your fate! You're going whether you like it or not, cutie pie~!" And the mailman tries every unconsciousness-inducing method he could think of, from chloroform to tranquilizers to horse tranquilizers and even repeatedly beating him across the head all for naught because Sephiroth is loaded with materia and alien cells, so he just gave up and bound his arms in a plate of Minecraft diamond armor just small enough to keep his arms stiff, and threw him into the passenger side of the mail van and strapped him in for good measure. The civilians saw it all but didn't bother calling the police or anything. Instead, they celebrated, blasting Rock 'N Roll McDonald's on their little stereos and dancing with glee. It hurt a little bit, even though Sephiroth hated every last one of them with every single fiber of his being, it would sting less if they'd all simply ignored him.
"Zoo-whee!" The mailman whistled and sat down, turning the ignition. The engines thrummed and the mailman put the van in gear and started going. "You're a real one!"
"Fuck you."
"Ohhh, feisty, aren't we? I like that! Rar!" The mailman imitated a cat scratch with his hand.
"...Are you seriously flirting with me?"
"Hmm~maybe~! Are you in-ter-es-teeed~? A little bird told me that pretty little ladies like you love a good lookin' mailfellow~"
"I'm a man." He stomped the brakes suddenly and Sephiroth's head slammed into the dashboard.
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A TRANNY!"
"Ow… what made you think that?!"
The mailman took a deep breath and continued his course, "Your hair! It's far too pretty for a man to have! It's like… phosphorescent! It's… beautiful."
The mailman peeled his eyeballs off of the road for some reason and gazed at Sephiroth with amazement and Sephiroth rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but notice a little girl drop her pear onto the ground as she celebrated Sephiroth's leaving, and it rolled into the street. The girl noticed this and stopped dancing for a moment, starting back towards it. "EYES ON THE ROAD," Sephiroth screamed and headbutted the mailman and he threw the wheel and they swerved right into the little girl. She flew right over the van and landed on the asphalt with a crack, breathing heavily and her limbs twisted far beyond recognition. Sephiroth began to sweat. The girl gave off bad vibes, there was a dark, inhuman aura about her...
The mailman poked his head out of the van and Sephiroth yelled into his ear, "GRAB THAT PEAR RIGHT NOW."
The mailman quickly stepped out of the van and jogged over to the pear, grabbing it, and returning.
The mailman looked back at the girl as she coughed out a fountain of blood, and he cringed. "Now feed me," Sephiroth commanded as the mailman stepped into the van.
"Shouldn't I wipe—"
"Yes, fucking wipe it off before you feed it to me, dickhead."
So the mailman did that and leaned towards Sephiroth slowly, "This is super hot, by the way, Sephiroth."
"You are disgusting."
An explosion hit the van suddenly, forcing the pear into Sephiroth's mouth and proving Sephiroth's suspicions… vampire. "JEEZ. NOW WHAT WAS THAT ABOOOUT~? JEEZ YOU WEIR—" The mailman stopped cold seeing the little girl he ran over now standing up as if nothing happened, the only difference being that she was covered in blood and that she was pissed.
The mailman punched the gas, the wheels screaming before he started hauling ass in the neighborhood and the girl followed close behind him, zipping through the air. Another explosion was headed for the van but they narrowly dodged it and peeled out into someone's yard, running over their dog with a squeak. He threw the wheel to his right and sped around the bend and hid the van behind a conveniently shaped bush and he peered through the leaves, the girl floating around looking left, right, up, down, sideways, then she looked directly at them and the mailman covered his mouth in fear.
She pointed a finger at the bush and shot some kind of energy bullet out of it, going straight through his hat, missing the mailman's brain by a breath, and the hat became ash within seconds. The mailman wheezed as the ashes fell onto his brand new leather seats. The girl squinted and zipped away and the mailman sighed in relief.
"Well, that was close, wann'it?" Said the mailman as he started up the van again and putted out from behind the bush. "OH CRAP I'VE BEEN FOOOOLED!" The mailman screamed as the girl came back suddenly and punched a hole in the windshield, grabbing his neck, and his veins turned black as his body slowly began to waste away. "H-help meeeee~" the mailman wheezed as he unbuckled Sephiroth's seatbelt, arousing the attention of the girl and she glared at Sephiroth and hissed, yanking the pear out of his mouth and swallowing it whole. She let go of the mailman and lifted the van off the ground, spinning it round and round and round in the air and tossing it out into the horizon.
Sephiroth, having had his seatbelt unbuckled, flew out of the windshield and zoomed through the night sky, looking absolutely ridiculous as he spun in the air, his arms bound by Minecraft diamond armor. Sephiroth watched as the van and the mailman both fell to their presumed deaths, an explosion erupting where the van touched ground, like a yellow flower blooming in the distance.
Boy, Sephiroth sure was glad to be away from that punk.
✉️ ✉️ ✉️ ✉️ ✉️
The last thing Sakurai's translator, a Mr. Rinnosuke Kawajiro, had ever expected to see when on his break was some guy bursting through the building of Smash headquarters, not only making his ears bleed but also getting brick all over his new Armani slacks. He rolled his eyes and put out his cigarette and trudged inside, seeing Sephiroth laying on the tile, groaning and stuck inside of some blue shit.
"Good evening, Sephiroth-san," Rinnosuke politely said. "Sakurai-sensei would like to see you as soon as possible. Would you like me to lead you to his office?"
"Yeah sure, whatever," Sephiroth grumbled and Rinnosuke helped him up and led him there, opening the door for him and everything.
"Ah! Sefirosu-san, konbanwa! Haitte kite, haitte kite. Suwatte mimasen ka?"
Sephiroth stood there awkwardly and Rinnosuke whispered to him, "Say konbanwa, and bow, Sephiroth-san."
"Uhhhh… konbawa?" Sephiroth bowed awkwardly (Wutai was a long time ago, alright?).
"It's konbanwa, Sephiroth-san." Rinnosuke said through grit teeth, "Now go sit down." Sephiroth sat down in a chair and Rinnosuke stood beside him.
"Sukoshi tsuke-mono no naka ni iru you ni miemasu, soko ni. Tasukete kuremasen ka?"
"He's asking if you'd like some help getting out of that."
"Ehm, sure."
"DOREI!" Sakurai shouted and two little men in black suits kicked the door off its hinges and tore the cursed chest plate off of him, violently tossing it out the window.
"Saa, kore o hayaku shimashou," Sakurai pulled out a bottle of pills, some bourbon and a glass full of ice. "Korera no gan'yaku o tabete," Sakurai said, emptying the pills onto the counter, "Kono baabon de arainagashite kudasai." Sakurai took the glass and poured the bourbon inside, "Sefirosu-san o yori juujun ni suru tame ni, suisoku shimasu."
"He's telling you to eat one of those," Rinnosuke translated and pointed at the pills.
"You know I never wanted to—" Sephiroth protested before the dorei shoved a pill down his pie hole the second they detected his resistance. Sephiroth was mostly confused afterward, but as he truly grasped the gravity of the situation he got much more butt-hurt about it. "HOW DARE YOU—" One of the dorei offered Sephiroth the bourbon, "I don't drink." The dorei nodded and put the bourbon back on the desk and handed him a pear instead. "Thank you, ehm… you're my favorite one here."
The dorei smiled wide and puffed out his chest, and the other one smacked him across the head and pouted. Sephiroth ate the pear slowly and suddenly his own head began to throb and he slammed it onto the desk, groaning as the dorei came and rubbed his temples.
"Baabon wa itami o ouhaba ni keigen shitadeshouga, zan'nen'nagara. Tenshi wa kare ga yaritai koto o nani demo suru dakeda to omoimasu." Sakurai stood up, shooing the dorei away. "DOREI! Sefirosu-san no mono o junbi suru."
The dorei scrambled to prepare Sephiroth a suitcase and Sakurai helped Sephiroth to his feet, allowing him to kinda lean against his shoulder. Sakurai snapped his fingers and a glowing green portal appeared before them, then the dorei appeared and handed Sakurai the suitcase which Sakurai handed to Sephiroth, and Sephiroth took it in his hand, his other hand holding his forehead.
Rinnosuke started towards him, "In that suitcase is a bottle of those pills you just took, which you'll have to be sure to take once in the morning, and again in the evening after dinner, and don't worry for your headaches will recede the longer you're on this medication. We've packed a few changes of clothes, as well. You can wear only those clothes during battles so as to not confuse the players, okay? Now, you'll be taken into Dr. Chokolata's room immediately for a physical. Do not worry, this Dr. Chokolata is kind, and he's German."
"Okay? I don't care?"
Rinnosuke paused. "Oh, so you weren't aware? I suppose the 'breaching' of universes is less common here."
"Breaching of what?"
"Nothing of your concern. Sayonara!" Rinnosuke pushed Sephiroth into the portal which caught Sakurai off guard, and he mumbled, "You dumb fucking donut."