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MIRROR OF HEARTS
When you find it for the first time, the weather is horrible. You were never able to sleep with storms, so you get up, careful not to wake Raven or any other of your Ravenclaw first years roommates up. There is no one left in the common room so you guess it must be pretty late already.
You wander around the halls aimlessly. There had always been something about Hogwarts, from the minute you first put your feet in it. It was home, the first you have ever had.
But after a while of walking, you realise you are lost.
A noise from behind you reaches your ears and your heart skips a beat; you can't get caught. If you do, there is a great chance you'd be expelled.
And you have nowhere else to go.
You enter into the first room you see, noticing quickly that it isn't a classroom of any sorts. You mutter a charm and light pops out of your wand. It's an advanced charm for your age, but you learnt it a few weeks ago when you were reading in the library. (Everyone else was outside, playing around in the grass.)
The room is empty but for a very high thing in the middle of it. You can't know what it is, for it is covered with a very large and old blanket.
But the curiosity is killing you so you walk up to it at you pull the blanket off, discovering the biggest mirror you've ever seen. You wonder what it is that makes this mirror so special for it to be hidden here. It doesn't take long for you to find out.
You look into it, and what you see takes your breath away. Your parents are there, right beside you. You glance quickly at your sides but you can't see anything.
The you inside the mirror is smiling widely, your mother places a comforting hand on her shoulder and your father ruffles her hair.
You can almost feel their touches.
You sit on the floor, your eyes never leaving the mirror. You don't sleep that night, and you never come back.
But you do. You come back. You've been avoiding it for a whole year, you know you should keep away from it.
After that first night, you went straight into the library and looked for any books that could explain what you saw. The mirror of Erised, that's the name. It shows one's deepest wishes. And you've read what it does to those who spent too much time exposed to the mirror, you don't want to become one of them.
But it's your second year at Hogwarts and you don't feel nearly as lonely as last year, you feel twice as much. Which is really just your fault, you're the one who pushes away anyone that tries to strike a conversation.
You look into the mirror expecting to see your parents again. But you don't.
You see dark skin, brown chocolate eyes and a very wide smile.
Costia.
You haven't seen her for a year, maybe more. You miss her everyday, you miss her more than you can bear to miss anyone. She was your only friend, the only person you really cared about.
And they took her away from you. They took her away and you never saw her again.
And you are selfish. You are very selfish, because she's happy now, she has a family that looks after her and she's having a normal life in the muggle world.
You are sad and lonely in the magical world. You thought this was home, and it is, but you still don't fit here. You are also sad and lonely in the muggle world, when you have to go back to the orphanage for the entire summer and everybody looks at you as if you are the weirdest thing they've ever seen.
But that's not Costia's fault.
The third time you go back, it's not during the night. The sun is shining and everyone is outside the castle, preparing for the quidditch tryouts. On the two years you've been here, you haven't missed a single quidditch match. It's the only thing that you like more than magic, you think, being able to fly.
You made a friend at the end of last year. Her name is Anya, and she's a sixth year while you're only in your third, but she saw you struggling to get on a broom and she offered her help, though she didn't run to your aid when you fell off several times, nor gave up in your training.
This year, Anya is the captain of Ravenclaw's quidditch time, as well as one of the two beaters. She's been training you for a month so you can make it on the team in the position of seeker.
She's confident you are going to get it, but you feel like throwing up.
You sneak away when everyone else was stretching, waiting for Gryffindor to finish their tryouts. It is more difficult than the other two times, considering the halls are pretty crowded, but you manage to get to the mirror.
You saw Anya smiling proudly, and yourself holding the Quidditch cup, dressed in blue and bronze robes. You saw an enormous crowd cheering your name, and your team flying around you while you held the snitch between your fingers.
Your heart is pounding so loud that you wonder how come nobody else has found you here yet. You hurry to get back to the field, with your broom in your hand and your mind set up on the images you just saw.
All of them banish when you catch a glimpse of golden curls and soft laughter. You see her sitting on the grass, congratulating a brunette girl whose name you think is Octavia for making it on the Gryffindor team and wishing good luck to Raven, who's also going to try out for Ravenclaw's team.
She looks so free and careful, a sketch laying forgotten on the ground while she tackles that Jasper Hufflepuff kid to the ground, Octavia and Raven doing the same shortly afterwards.
You walk away before they can notice you.
The time has come. Anya gives you a confident nod, which you return. There are older kids fighting for the same position as you, but you're smaller and faster. You have learnt how to be patient and you wait until the right moment to stand out.
You make it, and though Anya shows no sign of surprise, she gives you a small hug.
When you catch the snitch for the first time in your first match, it tastes like freedom.
On your fourth year, you become more popular among your schoolmates. And you hate it, you hate the pretending and the need for your attention. If you had known before that being on the quidditch team and winning every single game would cause this, you would have thought it over.
You have people who sit beside you at lunch, people who save you a seat in class, people who wave at you in the halls, people who cheer your name during the quidditch games.
You still have no friends.
Well, you do have Anya. And she is your friend, but your relationship with her is different from the rest. She's, like, family or something. She teaches you advanced magic and she covers your ass when you sneak out, mostly to make out with some random girl whose name you won't even remember the day after. But they make you feel a little bit less lonely for a while. And you're a very good kisser. Or so they always say.
You promised yourself you were not coming back to the mirror, because three times is already a very dangerous amount, yet you find yourself facing it for the fourth time. You should have seen this coming, you think when you look into it. You are surrounded by a group of robes with different colours on them. You recognise all of them. You recognise the girl beside you, her golden curls and her blue eyes. She's looking at you, but not the you, you, the you in the mirror. And she's smiling at that you.
You realise why the mirror drives people mad. In the past you have felt sad and lonely by looking at it. But this is the first time you feel jealousy. You're jealous of yourself and jealous of something that is not happening in your reality. It's pathetic, and it terrifies you.
You run away from the mirror and back to the real world where you don't get love or friendship, only attention.
It's useless, you think, the attention you get. Whenever you walk past the group of different coloured robes, your heart sinks a little further. The relationship between houses is better than what you've read was in the past, but there's still no group with such a diversity of houses as that one. People wonder how they get on so well, but you managed to find that out a long time ago.
It's because of her, you're sure. Because of the one and only Clarke Griffin.
The Blake siblings worship her as if she were a goddess, and you're pretty sure Raven would have blown up anyone else her boyfriend had emotionally cheated on her with, but that someone had been Clarke and the one been blown up had been Finn Collins. After sleeping in the same bedroom as Raven for four years, you had wanted to feel sorry for the boy, until you discovered every attempt he had made at getting Clarke to be with him, while still being with Raven himself.
Raven is okay, you guess. She smiles at you and it's genuine, not the fake smiles everyone gives you. She did make it to the team last year so you kind of spent a lot of time with her. You hardly ever talk, though.
The team is practising one day when Anya throws a bludger at you. You're deep in thought and you only realise it's coming straight to you when Anya gives you a warning shout. It hits you, hard. Anya is angry enough and you feel a little bit guilty for not paying attention so you want to convince her to let you keep playing despite the pain, but your nose is bleeding a lot and you're quite certain not even magic can wash away the amount of blood you've spilled on your robes.
Anya orders you to go to the nursery with Raven, who looks both amused by your stubbornness and upset she has to babysit you and miss practice.
None of you are fans of small talk so the walk to the nursery is quite, but not in an uncomfortable way.
However, the closer you get, the more uncomfortable you feel. You really don't like doctors. At all. When you were younger, there was this man who would come monthly to the orphanage to examine the youngest kids. Once, Costia dared you to take a look into suitcase. You passed out when you saw the needles. So when you broke your wrist on your second year, you were very relieved to find out that wizards didn't use needles nor did they wrap things around broken bones to heal them (with a lot of pain). No, wizards don't do any of the sort. Instead, the make you drink disgusting beverages and heal your bones in a blink (with much, much more pain).
You think you've only been to the nursery once in all the time you have lived here. It's not that you didn't hurt yourself or catch a cold or anything, you simply refused to go.
Your body shudders with anticipation, already feeling the need to puke at the thought drinking such a disgusting thing. Or even healing magic. Because that is also damn frightening.
"Dude, you look pale. You sure you're okay?" Raven asks, snapping you out of your thoughts.
You nod, clearing your throat.
"Yeah, nevermind".
"Whatever you say, Commander".
You roll your eyes at the nickname your teammates gave you last year, when you threatened the Slytherin captain because he had taken the quidditch pitch during your practice hour and Anya hadn’t been there to kick his ass.
Your fourth year is also the one in which you learn Clarke Griffin's mother is the healer in charge of the school nursery.
Maybe that's why Raven doesn't look surprise when you arrive to the nursery and Clarke is sitting on a bed, focusing deeply on a drawing.
"Hey, princess".
Clarke jumps at Raven's voice, closing her sketchbook quickly. She looks up at you both and her nose clenches slightly when she notices your bleeding nose.
"Mom! Someone's hurt!", she yells. She walks up to you and Raven, giving Raven a knowing look. "Please, tell me you had nothing to do with this".
Rather than feeling offended, Raven looks proud of herself as she rolls her eyes.
"Nah, Lexa over here lost focus during practice. And I was sent to babysit her stubborn ass".
You want to defend your pride, mostly because Clarke is there, but before you have time to do so, a woman comes rushing to you and holds your chin in place. Clarke's mother, you guess. She moves your face from right to left, examining your nose and giving a content nod. Then, she looks at her daughter.
"The nose is broken, there are a few broken arteries, too. You know what to do. Don't let her go until she can blow it without bleeding."
With that, she's leaving again. Raven looks at her back as if she wanted to murder the woman, Clarke doesn't comment on it.
"I thought you said she wanted to have some bonding time with you".
Clarke shrugs it off. "I thought so, too".
You don't have time to figure out what is happening because Clarke's fingers are suddenly touching your face, they are touching you and you're feeling very hot and there is not a single place within your body where you don't feel butterflies flying. You want to remember how to talk or even how to breath but all you manage to do is to utter a strangled sound.
You ignore the raised brow Raven is giving you behind Clarke.
"Sorry." Clarke says, probably thinking the noise was out of pain. "I promise this won't hurt a bit." She takes her wand out and aims to your nose. "Episkey".
You feel very hot, more than what you already are thanks to Clarke's touch, than very cold and finally, your nose feels normal again, though it still hurts.
Clarke smiles. She seems to remember all the blood you've spilled, as she glances down your robes and frowns. She points her wand at you again. "Tergeo. Now, there you go".
Your robes are clean again, as if there had never been any blood in the first place.
"Thank you", you say at last.
"You should try to be more careful the next time, though. Broken noses are a pain if they break regularly". You nod, not knowing what else to say. "Oh, and you should rest for a few minutes until I can be sure the bleeding has stopped".
"Yeah, as if she wanted to be anywhere else right now" Raven whispers, loud enough for you to hear and send her a murdering look. Luckily, Clarke is back to her sketch book.
You don't avoid going to the nursery anymore.
Fifth year is the definition of stress and desperation. With Anya’s graduation, you are named Ravenclaw’s new quidditch captain, the youngest in many years. A lot of pressure is on your shoulders, with training, winning matches, being a prefect, studying for your O.W.L.s.
You manage to keep up poorly during half of the school year, doing your homework during the night and sleeping during meals.
And now that Anya is gone, you are more lonely than ever. That is until Raven starts making more and more conversations with you. Since the terrible visit to the nursery that you experienced last year, she’s been teasing you at every chance she gets. You don’t mind it though, she never crosses any boundaries and it makes you feel as if you were a normal kid. It makes you feel as if you fit.
One Sunday morning, you find her in the library playing chess. With Clarke. Clarke is really smart, as much as you, but Raven is a whole new level of smart. She is like a gifted kid in everything regarding to magic or thinking. And yet, she’s losing hopelessly to Clarke.
She waves at you when she spots you.
“Hey, Cap. Wanna sit with us?” She is smirking, but you know she’s trying to help you rather than teasing you.
You can’t help being a coward, though.
“I’m afraid I’ll pass. I have a lot of homework to catch up”.
You nearly run away from the pair, sitting on the furthest table from them as it is possible. You try to concentrate on an essay due to next week, but not even ten minutes have passed until you have given up and start stealing glances to the girl with blonde curls, perfectly matching her Gryffindor robes.
She’s arguing with Raven, her face is all bunched up and you suddenly regret having seated so far from them. She gets up and walks away, leaving a sighing Raven behind.
Raven turns to look at you and narrows her eyes when she catches you staring. You have the decency to at least pretend you weren’t stalking them.
Either way, she gets up from her seat and goes to sit with you instead.
“You’re such an idiot. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Lexa! You practically drool every time you fucking see her and you’re not even able to say a fucking word to her! You’re just… you’re… ugh!”
She slams her head against the table so hard that you get worried despite the amount of insults she just greeted you with. She looks at you, with a very red forehead, and sighs.
“I just don’t get it. Why aren’t you even trying?”
“I will not waste my time on something that will never happen, Raven.”
“Yeah, well I guess you really are an idiot after all.”
And you are. And idiot who is afraid at storms. So much so that you can’t even move during your last quidditch match of the season. You’re losing against Hufflepuff for fifty points and you are trying to spot the snitch, but you don’t really know whether you moved an inch since it started raining.
You haven’t.
Not even when you spot the snitch are you able to move- The other seeker hasn’t seen it yet, and it would be so easy to fly towards it and win this match. Win the cup. But you are terrified and you stay where you are, gripping on your broom with such desperation that your hands are starting to hurt.
Something hits the back of your head very hard. You are falling, and everything is dark.
The next thing you know is that you are laying on a bed that is not yours and the pain coming from your head is killing you. You try to get up, unsuccessfully and groaning loudly out of pain.
Then someone is holding you by the back of your neck, carefully so as not to hurt you, and they bring a cup of water to your lips. Swallowing hurts, but the water helps your throat to relax slightly.
When you open your eyes up, you are met with bright blue sky.
“Hey” She says, her voice soft.
Clarke sets you back on the pillow and settles the glass of water on the table.
“Hey” you reply roughly. “What happened?”.
“A bludger hit you very hard. You were just two metres above from the ground so the fall wasn’t that bad, but you broke your arm and your skull was fractured. They should be both nearly mended by now. But you can’t leave for at least a week. We need to make sure you don’t have any permanent concussions”.
Your head is spinning due to the long explanation.
“What about the… the match, what about the match?” you ask, even though you are not positive you want to hear the answer just yet.
“You lost, by a hundred points”.
“Well done, captain” you say to yourself.
Everything is gone now. You were hoping to get a position in a professional team when you finished school. Now you have nowhere else to go.
“Hey”, Clarke says again “it was not your fault.”
You don’t find comfort in her words. You can’t stand her pity. She tries to raise your mood, but the burden on your shoulders is too heavy, and you don’t open your mouth again. You don’t look at her again.
When it’s late in the night and you can’t sleep, you get up despite Clarke’s mother instructions. Like the first time you came across it, you are wandering around the castle until you get to the very same room you’ve successfully been avoiding this year. Up until now, anyway.
Maybe it’s muscle memory what walks you face to face with the mirror again.
The fifth time you look at it, you see grass and you see happiness. You see friends and you see Clarke. You’ve seen all of this before.
But this time, this time you also see courage. And worried blue eyes.
You see a chess game.
The next morning, you’re alone and bored in your nursery bed. And then Clarke is bursting through the door and walking straight to your bed at an angry pace.
“Look, I don’t know why you don’t like me, because I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything to upset you in the past. But if I have, please tell me so you can get over whatever problem you have with me, because I’m trying to be nice to you, okay? But it’s like I have the plague or something everytime I talk to you! And then Raven keeps saying these things which I don’t even know the meaning of, so just tell me: have I ever done something to upset you?”
You blink once, twice and three times, trying to register what has just happened. (And also the fact that Clarke’s eyes get bigger and darker when she is angry.)
You open your mouth to speak a few times, not quite knowing what to say.
You remember the mirror and the smiles.
“Will you teach me to play chess, Clarke?”
As promised they let you out of the nursery and back to normal life when a week has gone by.
During said week, you’ve learnt how to play chess and how to read Raven’s handwriting, which is something much more complicated than you would have ever thought it was, but you’re grateful she has taken the time to write things down for you so you don’t get behind in your classes.
It’s a shame that you had to fall so hard to be brave enough to do this.
But when you are playing chess with Clarke, when you are studying with Clarke, when you are laughing and playing around with people you can now call friends, when you are watching the stars with Clarke, you find yourself falling over and over again.
The school year passes by too far. You passed your O.W.L.s. with high marks (you can’t know for sure until you receive your letter, but you performed well enough). Anya sent you a letter with great news, saying the professional team she is playing for will be needing a new seeker in two years’ time and are interested in you despite the mess you made during your last game.
Being in the train back home, you should be saddened, a great part of you is, but you’re also in a compartment with way too many people to be in it; Octavia, Jasper and Monty enjoying the last hours of magic they have left until next year, sitting in the floor casting useless spells and laughing freely; Raven talking Bellamy into trading her his Hermione Granger card for her Snape one; Lincoln reading and nodding to something Octavia has said every once in awhile; and Clarke leaning against you, curled up against your chest, tickling your neck with her nose and her golden curls.
And when the train arrives, everyone leaves the compartment, running to greet their families. You gently wake Clarke up, her eyes lingering upon yours. You kiss her.
It’s not a problem that the first time you kiss her is to say goodbye.
She kisses you back.
Year six is love, smiles and kisses. Losing chess games one after another. Having people who care about you, people to talk to, people to tease, people to laugh with and to laugh at.
Year six is talking about muggle philosophy with Bellamy, racing around the quidditch pitch with Octavia, covering Raven up when she has made something burst…
One night, as many others, you can’t sleep because of the storms. So you wake up, but this time you don’t wander. This time you know exactly where you’re going.
And when you’re looking into the mirror, you see yourself, holding Clarke’s hand. You look into the mirror and Clarke says “I love you”.
“I love you, Lexa, I do.” She is saying “But when you dragged me out of bed you promised me cake, not a freaking old mirror”.
“What do you see when you look into the mirror, Clarke?”
“Mmmm ourselves, of course. Isn’t that what mirrors are supposed to do? Show our own reflections?”
You laugh, and you feel tears in your eyes. And you look again and once again all you see is yourself holding hands with a very sleepy Clarke Griffin.
But when later you are on the astronomy tower, watching Clarke eat her promised cake in a very messy way, while she tells you about the stars and the galaxies and all the ways in which she wants to pain them, you realise.
Year six is loving Clarke.
You are walking in a hurry, as you’ve been doing all year. But you just finished your N.E.W.T.s. and Jasper said he had prepared his special drinks for when the exams were over. You’re already pretty late to the party, yet you can’t help yourself when you come across it for the seventh time.
It’s still the same old door as always, and just for a second you want to open it and look at the mirror one last time.
You think about the sky on a sunny day. You think about your friends. You think about your future as the youngest seeker in a professional team.
You think about kisses, whispered conversations beneath sheets. You think about all the freckles in Clarke’s body. You think about losing at chess. You think about being held while sobbing and feeling soft curls on your face in the morning.
You think about Clarke, and you walk away from the mirror.
Year seven is being loved.