Work Text:
Gay Lawyers #1
Phoenix, pointing: May I sit there?
Miles: That's my lap
Phoenix: That doesn't answer my question, Miles.
Gay Lawyers #2
Phoenix, thinking back on his college relationship with Iris: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Miles: If anyone, and I mean anyone , wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.
Gay Lawyers #3
Larry: How many kids do you have?
Miles and Phoenix: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?
Gay Lawyers #4
Phoenix, still reeling from his disbarment but also having gotten a boyfriend out of it: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Miles: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Phoenix: Absolutely not.
Gay Lawyers Two: Electric Boogaloo #1
Apollo, referencing that weird as fuck eyepatch phase from Dual Destinies: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine.
Apollo: I became more evil if you’re curious.
Klavier: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!
Apollo, referencing his character in Spirit of Justice: I’m going to get worse on purpose.
Gay Lawyers Two: Electric Boogaloo #2
Apollo: *holding a bottle he picked up from a crime scene* Is this whiskey or perfume?
Klavier: *chugs entire bottle*
Klavier: It’s perfume.
Gay Lawyers Two: Electric Boogaloo #3
Apollo, having found himself in the position of defending Klavier in court: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!
Klavier: How can you still say that?
Apollo: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.
Gay Lawyers Two: Electric Boogaloo #4
Apollo: Can you please be serious for five minutes?
Klavier: My record is four, but I think I can do it.
If Cody and Trucy Were Friends
Trucy, bragging about her latest magic trick: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon.
Cody, not looking up from his Steel Samurai graphic novel: Spear.
Trucy, already pulling up his profile on Twitter: BLOCKED.
If Dahlia and Iris Were Roommates
Iris: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.
Dahlia: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.
Iris, completely sick of her sister’s shit, not even afraid anymore: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?
If Maya and Miles Actually Got to be Friends
Maya, seeking purely to mess with Miles: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise.
Miles, disturbed: I beg to differ.
Maya: Then Beg. =3
If Simon and That Asougi Guy Met Somehow
Asougi: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.
Simon, about to become this man’s best friend: That's why I carry two swords.
I've Never Even Played Investigations But I Love Her Your Honor
Kay, standing with her back turned to look all cool like the protagonist of an old noir detective film: I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Edgeworth.
Miles, legitimately impressed: How did you do that without turning around?
Kay, thinking back to when Franziska, Gumshoe and Sebastian all walked in earlier: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.
L.A.P.O. #1
Miles, addressing the Prosecutors’ Office as Chief Prosecutor: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.
Payne: But – that’s just a trash can.
Miles: It sure is!
L.A.P.O. #2
Franziska: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.
*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*
Payne: *Out of breath* SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.
L.A.P.O. #3
Kay, with a shit eating grin: Is letting “That Man” win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?
Miles: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak?!
L.A.P.O. #4
Franziska: *Stubs her toe* FUCK!
Miles: Mind your language!
Franziska: What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”???
Miles: ...
Franziska: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.
L.A.P.O. #5
Klavier: Hey Fraulein, can I get a sip of your water?
Ema, drinking some liquid out of a beaker: It's not water.
Klavier, giving finger guns: Vodka, I like your style!
Ema: It's vinegar.
Klavier: Wh-Wha-
Ema: It's vinegar, you glimmerous FUCK!
L.A.P.O. #6
Kay: Do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn’t Notice It?
Klavier: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!!
Kay: Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I’m glad I could be an inspiration.
L.A.P.O. #7
Miles: Good morning.
Franziska: Good morning.
Payne: Good morning.
Klavier: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Simon: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!!
L.A.P.O. #8
Miles: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Franziska: Have everyone stand.
Klavier: Bring three more chairs!
Payne: The most important ones can sit down.
Simon, getting a kick out of playing up his criminal record to mess with people: Kill three.
She Blinded Me With Science! #1
Ema: Man, I only ever see you awake, do you ever shut down or stop running?
Kay: Oh, I’m always running!
Kay: The question is from what.
She Blinded Me With Science! #2
Ema: Please, I'm begging you to go to a doctor.
Kay: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.
She Blinded Me With Science! #3
Ema: Heads up: if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you can’t blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.
Kay: What did you do babe?
Ema: A MISTAKE!!
She Blinded Me With Science! #4
Ema: You often use humor to deflect trauma.
Kay: Thank you!
Ema: I didn't say that was a good thing.
Kay: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny.
So About That Orca Case
Sasha Buckler: Are you an ‘arr’ pirate, or a ‘yo ho ho’ pirate?
Phoenix: I’m a ‘I’m not paying $600 for Photoshop’ pirate.
The Gavins Have Some Issues
Klavier, having had it up to here with his brother’s bullshit: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder?
Kristoph: Stop romanticizing the past.
To the Five Pearlthena Shippers Out There #1
*Pearl and Athena skipping stones on a lake in Kurain Village*
Pearl: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Athena, whispering: Take that you fucking lake.
To the Five Pearlthena Shippers Out There #2
Pearl, helping Athena investigate a cavern for a case: It’s dark in here.
Athena: Don’t worry dude, I got this!
Athena: *Stomps her feet*
Athena: *Skechers light up*
What Do You Mean This Isn't How Investigations 2 Went?
Simon Keyes: You kill people for money?!
Sirhan Dogen: I can explain!
Simon Keyes: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!
What Do You Mean This Isn't How Farewell My Turnabout Started?
Miles: What’s up guys? I’m back.
Phoenix: What the- you can’t be here! You’re dead! I literally saw your suicide note!
Miles: Death is a social construct.
What Do You Mean This Isn't How Turnabout Goodbyes Ended?
Miles: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.
Phoenix, fucking ecstatic: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?
Miles: No! Four to five seconds!
Phoenix: Too late!!!
What If We Had Similar Character Arcs, And We Were Both Girls? #1
Franziska, looming over Maya in the detention center: I’m going to take you out.
Maya, completely nonplussed and determined to mess with her: Great, it’s a date!
Franziska, flustered: I-I meant that as a threat.
Maya: See you at five!
What If We Had Similar Character Arcs, And We Were Both Girls? #2
Maya: Change is inedible.
Franziska, confused: ...Don’t you mean inevitable?
Maya, spitting out coins she thought were chocolate coins: No, I did not.
What If We Had Similar Character Arcs, And We Were Both Girls? #3
Franziska: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.
Maya, drinking toast: Why do you say that?
What If We Had Similar Character Arcs, And We Were Both Girls? #4
Maya: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Franziska: Okay.
Maya: And make out during the scary parts.
Franziska: Th-
Franziska: The scary parts.
Franziska: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
When Something Smells #1
Larry: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Phoenix, standing on the other side of the screen in the Detention Center: Larry, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
When Something Smells #2
Larry: You saved me. I owe you my life.
Phoenix: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.
When You Try to Bond With Your Girlfriend's Uncle
Juniper: Treat spiders how you want to be treated! =3
Simon: Killed without hesitation.
Juniper: No! ={
Wright Anything Agency Shenanigans #1
Phoenix: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail
Maya: No, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police.
Wright Anything Agency Shenanigans #2
Trucy, having just finished describing her next off-the-wall magic trick: So that’s my plan.
Apollo: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Trucy: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Apollo: It fucking sucks.
Trucy: That’s not constructive criticism.
Wright Anything Agency Shenanigans #3
Maya: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Phoenix: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
Wright Anything Agency Shenanigans #4
Apollo: Where are you going?
Trucy: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there.