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Soo Ho had never loved something so much. Kissing her was a miracle. But he was regretting it, he should have maintained some distance from her. What gave him the right to kiss her after all he had done? He would have to leave or end up being killed, either way he couldn’t stay with her so why did he leave her with such a memory? It was so selfish of him.
She was the daughter of the head of the ANSP. It was more than likely that she will be introduced to some well-off high society bachelor, and they would marry and live in a house grand enough for the President. She was destined for that life, not to be kissing a no-good nobody from enemy territory. He had no right to be kissed by this beautiful soul, yet he couldn’t stop himself as she leaned in again.
Neither of them knew what to say as they pulled apart. He rested his forehead against hers for a moment before moving away. Normally she was the one who spoke, taking him away from all the chaos happening around them. But now she remained silent.
He realised his hands had formed a mould around hers as she tried to extract them. She took them back into her lap but didn’t touch the coffee. She didn’t look at him, only down into her lap.
“That”, she paused, wringing her fingers together, “was my first kiss.”
Guilt formed a prison around his heart. Her first kiss and he had taken it. He wanted to pull at his hair. He shouldn’t have, he didn’t deserve it.
“I wasn’t sure if I did it righ-“
“It was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.” Soo Ho reassured her at the speed of light, the words tumbling out of his mouth. She looked like she was smiling, as the sides of her cheeks rose.
She finally looked up at him again and his heart broke at how beautiful she looked.
“Thank you, for being my first kiss, Soo Ho-ssi,” she said timidly. His heart banged against his ribs and he was sure she could hear it in this silence. She should forget it, he can only leave her with more heartache. But he smiled at her instead, swallowing the worry forming in his chest. He turned and picked up their coffees and handed her her cup. He wished it really could help her forget him.
“You should drink it before it gets cold.” He started drinking his and looked away from her, towards where all their paper planes had landed.
“You’re not trying to make me forget my first kiss, are you?” She leaned in, coming into his field of vision and forced him to meet her twinkling eyes. “That’s not fair, Soo Ho-ssi. You can’t ask me to forget my first kiss.”
He didn’t know what to say to her. He had only just managed to see the smile enter her eyes after all these days. She was starting to resemble the bright girl who had patched him up in this very attic a few days ago. He didn’t know the right thing to say to her. He wanted to apologise. He wanted to kiss her again. She spoke again, saving him.
“But you should really try your hardest to forget me singing at Evergreen records though,” she said with a giggle. He huffed out a laugh too. It was with such ease that she made his broken, black heart truly beat.
“There’s no magic coffee strong enough to make me forget that,” he replied, with the biggest smile plastered across his face.
She then gasped and turned to face him. There was mischief in her eyes.
“Soo Ho-ssi, would you have left me like you did with Bun Ok unnie if we had matched?!”
Soo Ho burst out laughing at the unexpected question.
He thought for a moment about whether or not to tell her the truth and give her false hope for something better for the two of them? Of a life that could have been. But how could he lie to her now? So he told her what he wanted and wished for on that first day.
“Left you? Eun Young Ro, I would have clung on to every second I got to spend with you. I would have have walked with you wherever you wanted to go. I would have tried to spend as much time as you would allow, even walked you back to the dorm but I don’t know if I would have been able to let you go in,” he paused. “Well, maybe if I knew how scary Ms. Pi was I’d have changed my mind.” They both let out a chuckle.
They stayed there, sitting close together, leaning against the wall, as their coffee finished and it dried on the cups. They talked about nothing and everything. He told her about his sister and she told him about her brother. She talked about all the ways she and her brother would prank their stepmother. She asked about his scars. He asked about her love for paper planes. Her head had made its way to his shoulder sometime during their conversation. He didn’t move a muscle for fear she would move it. He wanted it to stay there for eternity. He didn’t know how much time they had left.
But as he finished talking, he realised she might have started to doze off. It had gotten cold in the attic and there wasn’t a blanket nearby to cover her with. But he didn’t want her to move from where she was so he thought he could put his arm around her, give her some warmth while he worked up the strength to stop living in this moment and finally take them both downstairs. But as he lifted his arm, her eyes opened and she looked like she was going to move away from him.
“No, stay right there, please. I was only worried you would be cold,” he said, panicking.
She smiled, shyly and readjusted her head so that now it rested against his chest and his arm went around her. “Don’t worry, I’m not cold. I have a sweater on. I’m worried you will get cold though. So what should we do for that, hmm?” And before he could respond, she put her arm around his torso. “There, much better.”
Soo Ho felt his chest squeeze from happiness. He didn’t think he would ever feel this way. He had never really had time to think about it, only the mission mattered. After finishing one you’d have the next one, that was what his life had been. Up until he met her, only his sister and his job mattered to him. But now she was here, she had barged into his heart and forced him to feel joy and take in the beauty of life, of love.
He didn’t know how he was going to go on with his life after experiencing this. He didn’t know if he was going to live once he made it back to the north and he didn’t know if he was going to manage to escape. He didn’t know if he managed to escape, if he would have the chance or the right to meet Young Ro again. With all these questions and no answers, he just stayed there with her, with his arm around her, her head on his chest, and her arm around him as they both fell asleep.
He awoke some time later, worried about Young Ro getting ill from the cold and getting a sore neck from sitting like that so he woke her up by gently brushing her hair away from her face. He was used to sleeping anywhere, no matter the terrain but she wasn’t used to this. “Young Ro,” he called, gently, “Eun Young Ro, wake up. Let’s go downstairs, so you can sleep properly.”
She came awake in stages, confused at first at the dark before her eyes adjusted. Then her memory came back to her about where she was, whose chest she her head was on and what happened some time ago. She hoped he couldn’t see the blush on her cheeks.
He saw her eyes open so he extracted his arm from around her and instantly felt her loss.“Come on, let’s head downstairs. I’m sure your roommates are worried since you’ve been gone for so long.”
They quietly picked up the cups and all the contents of the box she had come with, washing it and putting it back in its place, sharing shy glances as they passed each other.
He looked at her and smiled before taking her hand to lead her downstairs. But just before they reached the door, she pulled him back. He turned and looked at her curiosly. She looked at him for a heartbeat more before taking the box from him and putting it down. She looked back at him and it looked like she had readied herself for something.
“Soo Ho-ssi?” She squeezed his hand.
He looked at her and took her other hand. “Young Ro-ya.”
“Would you kiss me again?”
His world stopped. He shouldn’t. He had convinced himself that that was the only time. But he wanted it, craved it, needed it like the air he breathed. And who knew if he would be able to once more, in this cruel life of his?
So he lowered his face down and met her lips once more. And he let his lips move this time, just as hers moved with his. One of his hands moved into her hair and his fingers traced her nape. The other caught her around her waist, holding her to him. Her arms came up and locked around his neck. He didn’t want this moment to end. He hoped she would learn of all that he wanted to say and do through this kiss. There was so much standing against them but he hoped this let her know the truth about his feelings, as futile as it was for her to know.
At last they broke the kiss to breathe but they stood as they were. He moved his head to kiss her where her neck met her shoulder. How he wanted to do this when she hugged him in the makeshift infirmary.
“I’ve wanted you to kiss me since the moment you looked at my lips while I was dressing your wound,” he heard her say into his ear and straightened up to look at her. She laughed to herself and his cheeks reddened as he realised he was caught back then. Embarrassed, he quickly pecked her lips again, smiling to himself. Then he bent down and picked up the box she put down.
He lead her downstairs feeling more elated than he had ever felt. And although he wasn’t given the opportunity to drop her off at the gate of the university like he would have done if he were a regular man, he did get to drop her off at the door to her room. And he counted that as a small blessing in this nightmare they were living.
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