Work Text:
Hello, and thank you for calling us. Unfortunately all of our operators are busy.
If this is an emergency, please press one, and we will get to you urgently. If it is not an emergency, please listen to the following instructions.
If you have been kidnapped by trolls, press two, and speak in riddles and metaphors until our responders arrive.
If you have been trapped in a Fairy Circle, press the number three three times, so we know you are not lying.
If you suspect a witch may be looking to eat you, press four, so we can discuss dietary options that will make you taste worse.
If vampires are trying to enter your house, refrain from listening to “You’re Welcome” from Disney’s Moana. Leave seeds in front of all entrances, and avoid any mentions of Twilight. We will be with you shortly.
For any other situations please press nine, and keep a container of salt close by, our operators will get to you at the earliest convenience.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0s6bv4yayOk