Chapter Text
16th October
Beomgyu had been feeling under the weather for a long time. At least to him, it felt like a long time. A week. He had been having a headache for a week. Feeling feverish for perhaps three to four days.
He planned to keep it to himself and not tell the members anything until he got better since he didn’t want to worry them. But today, he had to wake up at four in the morning to throw out whatever he had eaten the night before.
And it was of no use to hide anymore, because Soobin had come running to the bathroom to see what had happened to him. He had heard him vomiting in the toilet from the living room because he had stayed up to complete some of his music.
“Beomgyu?” he called, softly rubbing Beomgyu’s back as it seemed like he still had to vomit.
After a while, Beomgyu stopped and leaned himself to the wall. Panting hard.
It wasn’t enough that his head was hurting like it was going to burst soon, and now he had to wake up from his slumber to throw up. He was tired to say the least. Especially when he had been really tired these past few days for no reason. He knows for sure it isn’t because of the daily dance practices.
“Did you eat anything wrong last night?”
Beomgyu simply shook his head. Thinking that it would be the easiest way to answer, but the pounding on his head got worse when he did so.
He clutched his hand on his long hair, hoping that by pulling his hair, it would lessen the pain that he had. But it didn’t and only got worse.
And Soobin knew, by Beomgyu’s body language, that he was in pain, so he didn’t really ask any more questions. Not wanting to make the younger be in more pain.
“I’ll get you some paracetamol. Can you get up? Let’s wash your face first.”
And with a very hard time, Beomgyu got up while Soobin helped him, heading to the sink. One of his hands was holding the pale looking Beomgyu, and another was opening the faucet. He placed his hand under the tap to collect the water on his hand, later bringing it to Beomgyu’s face. Washing off the stains of the vomit.
For him, it wasn’t disgusting at all. They were close enough for him to do this to each other. To take care of each other.
He made a decision to not make Beomgyu walk, and carried him bridal style, which made Beomgyu’s head spin once again. Muttering a sorry, Soobin carried the younger back to his room.
“You need to eat before having the medicine, Beoms. I’ll order some porridge. So wait here.” Soobin said as he headed out of the room.
Beomgyu simply nodded to the leader’s words. It wasn’t really registering in his brain. All he wanted right now was a good sleep.
He fell into a deep slumber in a few seconds. Though it wasn’t really comfortable for him to sleep since his head was aching so bad.
~~~
Soobin went through his contacts list while he went into Yeonjun’s room. Knocking on it before going in, Yeonjun doesn’t often lock his room, so it was easy for him. He didn’t have to wait for any response from the older.
“Yeonjun-hyung.” he called, slightly shaking the older’s shoulder to wake him up.
“Yeonjun-hyung?” again he called, and it didn’t take long before Yeonjun started moving.
“W-what? Soobin? What time is it?” he groggily asked. Rubbing his eyes and trying to squint his eyes open.
“Around 4.30.”
“What? Why are you waking me up?” he groaned, turning to the other side to continue sleeping.
“Beomgyu’s sick, can you look after him? I need to call the manager and need to order some food for him. He needs to eat-”
“Wait, slow down. Beom is sick?”
“Yeah, he vomited in the toilet just now. I’ll call the manager first. Take care of him while I do that.”
Yeonjun nodded to Soobin’s words, his legs busy kicking off the blanket, and his arms moving to take his t-shirt that he had taken off before sleeping yesterday from the footboard of the bed.
Soobin left the room, going to the living room to dial the manager’s number to inform him of Beomgyu’s condition, while Yeonjun walked to Beomgyu’s room.
Yeonjun pushed Beomgyu’s door open slowly. Slightly tip-toeing as he went inside the room. He immediately went to Beomgyu’s side, noticing how pale he looked. Also noticing that he was sweating heavily. His clothes soaked with sweat.
He sighed seeing the younger’s condition, walking up to the younger’s closet and picking some clothing for the younger to change into. He walked back to Beomgyu, delicately moving Beomgyu to not wake him up.
He started with the left hand, taking the clothes off from that and went over his head before fully taking it off from the right hand. Wiping off the excess of sweat on Beomgyu’s body with the t-shirt before throwing it into the laundry basket that was beside the door.
He took the new t-shirt, carefully putting it on the younger. He noted that Beomgyu frowned whenever he slightly moved the younger’s head so he made sure to not move the younger’s head that much.
“Shhhhh..” he shushed Beomgyu, patting his shoulder when he saw him moving. “Go to sleep, Beoms.”
Yeonjun continued patting Beomgyu softly. Humming while he did that. Beomgyu rarely got sick, but when he did, it would either be really mild, or really bad. Now it seemed that it got to him bad.
“How is he? I just called the manager and I’ve ordered some porridge from the Chinese restaurant.” Soobin whispered, coming into the room, closing the door behind him.
“I think he has a headache. He was sweating a lot earlier, so I changed his clothes.” Yeonjun answers. “What happened, actually?” he continues. He was sitting on the other side of the bed while Soobin sat on another.
“I was finishing up some work, then I heard him vomiting, he didn’t seem to be fine. Actually, I noticed him not being fine this past week.”
“Yeah, I saw too. But I didn’t say anything. You know how he is.”
Soobin nodded while sighing. Yeah, he knew too well.
Beomgyu would never tell them if he was having a hard time, whether mentally or physically unless it gets too bad or unless he was asked about it. That was one of Beomgyu’s bad habits.
“The manager said he’s coming. So we’ll just have to wait. And we need to wait for the porridge too.”
“Yeah. Alright. The maknaes don’t know yet, right?”
“Nope. Haven’t told them yet. I’ll tell them in the morning.”
“Mhm.” Yeonjun says, his hand went up to Beomgyu’s hair, caressing it softly as he looks at Beomgyu with adoration in his eyes.
He averted his gaze to Soobin after a while. “You should go to sleep, Soob. I’ll take care of him.”
“I’ll just wait until the porridge arrives, hyung. Then I’ll go to sleep.”
“Okay.”
~~~
The porridge came not long after that, their manager Hyeon also came just before the porridge arrived.
Soobin woke Beomgyu up, feeding him a few spoonfuls of the porridge before Beomgyu didn’t want it anymore. And Soobin understands. Then he took one pill of paracetamol and handed it to Beomgyu, along with a cup of water.
Beomgyu swallowed it without saying anything and went back to sleep. This time looking slightly better than before. Soobin was relieved to see him looking better, but still, somehow, he was anxious, and he didn’t know why.
Soobin walked out of the room, going to the dining table where Yeonjun and his manager were at.
“So, how is he?” Hyeon asked.
“Bad. It’s the worst we’ve seen him sick before.” Soobin says. “But he should be better after eating the meds.”
“Hmm… If he doesn’t get better this morning, then I’ll need to take him to the hospital. It’s been going on for a week, right?”
Soobin’s eyes widened. “You knew?”
“Yeah, he isn’t exactly the quiet type, you know? It’s weird he suddenly got quiet.”
“He didn’t tell us anything either, we just knew too.” Yeonjun says.
“Yeah, he won’t say anything. Unless it gets bad. I know.” Hyeon agrees. “Alright, guys. You guys go to sleep first. I’ll take care of Beomgyu. Soobin, you especially, I heard you haven’t slept yet.”
“Alright. Thank you, manager-nim.”
~~~
In the morning, Beomgyu was still sick. His head was still pounding hard. It didn’t get better at all, in fact, it seemed like it even got worse. By this time, even the maknaes know that Beomgyu is sick. They had asked Soobin about it, and Soobin had told the two of what happened while they were sleeping.
Hyeon decided that it would be best that Beomgyu is checked at the hospital, so after Soobin helped the younger change his clothes, Hyeon immediately drove him to the hospital, Yeonjun tagging along with him.
And before they went to the hospital, Hyeon had called Beomgyu’s parents. Informing them that their son was sick and that he needed to go to the hospital. Beomgyu’s mom was shocked to say the least. Muttering that she would be there in Seoul soon. Along with her husband.
On the way to the hospital, the manager had informed their dance teacher that Yeonjun and Beomgyu would be missing the dance practises and only Soobin, Taehyun and Kai would attend. And then making a call to their other manager, Junghoon to pick the other three at the dorm.
“Beomgyu-ssi, are you getting better at all?”
Beomgyu, who was curled up beside Yeonjun, croaked out a soft ‘no’ with all his might. His head was pounding so bad, and he is starting to feel the need to vomit again after talking.
“T-tic….” Beomgyu breathed out. His fingers tapping Yeonjun’s thigh.
“What?”
“As… tic.. P-plas… tic.. Vo.. mit.”
“Plastic. Right. You want to vomit. Okay.” Yeonjun tried to move only his hands and not his legs since half of Beomgyu’s body was leaning onto it.
He hurriedly took a plastic bag from the back pocket of the car seat. Opening the plastic bag in front of Beomgyu, and almost immediately, Beomgyu leaned forward, and whatever was left in his stomach, the few spoonfuls of porridge that Soobin had fed him earlier in the morning was all out in the plastic bag.
Yeonjun rubbed the younger’s back softly. Muttering that ‘it’s okay’ to him. After a few dry heaves, Beomgyu finally leaned back to Yeonjun’s chest.
The tears that were brimming in his eyes, fell to his cheeks. He turned his head, clutching on Yeonjun’s clothes as he cried heavily, and Yeonjun, without a care that his clothes may be dirty from the stains of vomit on Beomgyu’s mouth, simply hugged him back. Softly rubbing Beomgyu’s back.
“It hurts. It hurts so bad. My head feels like it's about to burst.”
“It’s okay, Beom. We’re almost there. I can see the hospital already. We’re almost there.”
Beomgyu continues crying. Not caring about anything anymore. Not when his head is hurting like hell.
“Yeonjun, I’ll stop at the emergency drop off, you take Beomgyu in there first. I’ll need to go and park the car.” Hyeon stated, glancing at Yeonjun from the front mirror.
“Alright.” Yeonjun says, nodding to his words. Steadily pulling Beomgyu, placing the smaller one on his lap so that it would be easier for him when he goes out of the car. His right hand, already on the car door’s lever.
Heart beating anxiously. Nervous. But he doesn’t know why. It’s not like it wasn’t normal that a member gets sick, but somehow, he has a bad feeling. And he doesn’t like any of it since he couldn’t shake that feeling off of him.
~~~
Like the manager said, as soon as the car stopped in front of the emergency entrance, Yeonjun hurriedly opened the car door, carrying Beomgyu with him. Letting him lie down on the stretcher that was provided by the medics that were waiting there when they saw their car pull up at the entrance.
Beomgyu was still gripping tight on Yeonjun, suddenly scared about seeing a doctor. He didn’t let go of his grip on Yeonjun’s arm at all, making it hard for the medical team to push Beomgyu in the hospital.
“Beoms, I’ll come in later, alright? I need to register you first. Alright?” he kneels in front of Beomgyu, looking at the pale- looking boy directly in his eyes.
Beomgyu had eyebags under his eyes, really dark eyebags, and his lips also lost the pink color that normally was supposed to be there.
Beomgyu reluctantly nods to Yeonjun’s words, giving side glances to the medics. Yeonjun nodded in assurance, then he averted his gaze to the medics, giving them a signal to bring Beomgyu to the doctor.
Yeonjun went to the lobby counter, giving the receptionist all the details as the medics brought Beomgyu to see a doctor. He handed her Beomgyu’s identification card, and filled up some documents that were required.
“Relationship with patient?” the receptionist asked, her eyes on the monitor in front of her.
“His close friend.”
“Mhm. What about his family?”
“In Daegu. They’ll come later.”
The receptionist nodded, typing up some things, before lifting back her head to look at Yeonjun. Handing back Beomgyu’s ID card.
“Here. Thank you, you may go see your friend now.”
Yeonjun hurriedly mumbles a thank you, bowing to her and then fast-walking to the room he saw the medics bringing in Beomgyu earlier. He sat outside. On the bench that was prepared. His hands clasped together as he prayed to God hoping that Beomgyu’s illness was nothing serious.
After quite a while waiting, a doctor went out with a nurse on his side, but both of them didn’t pay any attention to Yeonjun.
“Is the CT scan ready?”
“Yes, doctor.”
“Alright. Let’s bring him in.”
CT scan? For what?
As far as he knows, a CT scan is something like an x-ray. But did Beomgyu’s headache check-up have to go this far? Is it that serious?
What happened to Beomgyu?
~~~
All of the events seemed to happen like a blur to Yeonjun. He didn’t know when, he didn’t know how.
Now he is suddenly beside Beomgyu, his manager was out of the room, making a call to their other manager. Beomgyu was sleeping peacefully, thanks to the painkillers that the doctor had given him earlier.
The CT scan was done. Just a few seconds ago, he guessed. Because he himself didn’t know when it happened. Too busy worrying about Beomgyu.
But now that Beomgyu is looking peaceful while sleeping, he sighed in relief.
“Beomgyu-ssi parents?” a nurse called out as the door of the room opened.
“His parents are not yet here. But I’m his guardian.” Yeonjun says, using the word guardian to be more formal to the nurse.
The nurse nodded. “The doctor is calling you for the results of the CT scan?”
“Ahh.. Just a while, miss.” Yeonjun said. Taking out his phone, texting their manager.
It was better for the manager to go and hear the results of the CT scan. Because Yeonjun couldn’t bring his heart to leave Beomgyu alone. Worrying about his reaction when he wakes up and Yeonjun is not by his side.
Yeonjun
-Manager-nim, can you go and listen to what the doctor says about Beom’s CT scan?
A second later the manager replied with a yes. And Yeonjun turned back to look at the nurse.
“His manager will go and listen to it.” He says with a polite smile. Bowing to her as she nodded her head and went out of the room.
He turned his head back to Beomgyu, sighing as he sat on the chair again. Slowly caressing Beomgyu’s head with an unreadable gaze.
“Let’s just hope there’s nothing wrong, Beoms.” he whispered. “But why am I so nervous for some reason?”
He took a deep breath. He took Beomgyu’s hands to his own.
It wasn’t like Beomgyu had never fallen sick before. It wasn’t like any of the members had never fallen sick, but he doesn’t know why. He really doesn’t know why, for some reason, he feels anxious. He feels sick inside. Like something bad is going to happen.
Was it because Beomgyu’s condition looked really bad?
Was it because Beomgyu didn’t bother to tell them about his headache before?
Or was he just overreacting?
He hoped so. He hopes that he is just overreacting and that nothing is serious.
Beomgyu probably is just stressed. He knows the younger is stressed about their upcoming comeback. To ease his own mind, he concluded it at that, not wanting to further delve deeper in his thoughts.
Now all he needs is to wait for the manager to come in, telling him that everything is fine, that it was nothing. That’s it. After this Beomgyu can come home. He will probably be prescribed a few medicines, and that’s it. Yes. That would be it.
“Yeonjun?”
He was startled when he was suddenly called. He whipped his head to the back, his manager was there standing behind him. He was too deep in thoughts to realise that his manager had come back.
“Ah, manager-nim. You’re back. What did the doctor say?”
Upon hearing the question, Hyeon frowned sadly. His eyes brimmed with tears. And Yeonjun swore, that was the first time he’s seen his manager like this.
“Manager-nim?”
“Beomgyu…” he mutters. “Beomgyu has a... tumor in his brain..” the sentence came as a whisper. If it weren’t for Yeonjun’s sharp ears, he wouldn’t have caught it.
Oh.
Oh.
Beomgyu has a tumor?
A brain tumor?
Was that why he had been feeling anxious the whole day?
Was God making him feel like that earlier so that he could brace himself when he heard the news?
“W-what?” was all he could muster up saying. He couldn’t believe his ears.
“T-the doctor told me, he has a tumor in his brain. It’s malignant, Yeonjun. It isn’t benign. It’s also… in the late second stage.” Hyeon stated. Sniffing, wiping the tears that were on his cheeks even if it was still flooding like crazy.
Not enough that there is a tumor in his brain, it’s malignant?
Why?
Is the manager pranking him right now?
It can’t be true. No. He refuses to accept this.
For all he can remember, Beomgyu has been healthy. Beomgyu has always been healthy. How the hell is it even possible that Beomgyu has cancer? At the late second stage?
It’s just not true. It’s pure bullshit.
He heard a groan coming from Beomgyu. Turning his head to him, he saw Beomgyu moving, waking up from his sleep.
Why must Beomgyu wake up now ?
“Yeonjun-hyung?” he softly mutters out, his eyes squinting open.
“Beommie? How is your head? All better?”
“Mhm. I feel great. Better than the past week.” he says with a big smile. Sitting up with Yeonjun’s help.
“Really? That’s great.”
When Beomgyu sat up, he immediately frowned looking at Yeonjun. “Hyung? Why are you crying?” he asked.
Oh. He was?
He didn’t even notice.
He was too busy. Too busy thinking.
He wanted to shrug off Beomgyu’s question. Tell him that it was nothing. But he knew, no matter how much he avoids it, Beomgyu is the one with the illness. Beomgyu is the one who will be suffering.
“I… Beomgyu..” he began.
“Uuuuu… our hyung is a crybaby it seems~ Were you crying because I was sick??” Beomgyu teased.
His face had a bright smile. A really bright smile. And Yeonjun didn’t want to wipe it off. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t avoid it. Because no matter what, at the end of the day, Beomgyu would find out.
“Manager-nim, you were also crying?? Oh my god. Was my condition really that bad?” he asked, looking at Hyeon behind Yeonjun while laughing loudly seeing the two older.
Yeonjun laughed together with Beomgyu. His hand automatically went to Beomgyu’s head to ruffle the younger’s hair, like he always did.
Except that this time rather than pulling back his hand like he always did after messing with the younger's hair, he let it stay at Beomgyu’s cheek. His expression morphing to a sad one. “Beom... your CT scan results came back.”
“I took a CT scan? When?” Beomgyu asked, his head tilted to the side Yeonjun’s hand was at, wanting more touch.
He doesn't even know he took a CT scan? The headache must've been very painful.
“While your head was hurting earlier.”
Beomgyu nodded his head. His mouth formed an ‘o’. “And then?” he continued asking. This time, taking off Yeonjun’s hand that was on his cheeks, now playing with the older’s fingers.
“I… How do I put this in words?? Your… Your brain Beomgyu… They found a… tumor.”
Beomgyu’s hands froze. In an instant, Yeonjun could feel it turn cold. He didn’t even know that it was possible for a person’s hand to turn cold in that short time.
“Beomgyu?” he calls. His hands squeezing Beomgyu's.
Beomgyu didn’t respond. He looked dazed. Like he’s thinking deeply. His eyes suddenly looked empty. But then, just a second later. He smiled.
“Ayyy.. This is too much of a prank don’t you think?? I just recovered, hyung. It’s not good to pull a prank like this~”
Through his eyes, he could see a little bit of pain in Beomgyu’s eyes, despite him smiling. He could see that the younger was trying to cover up by joking.
“...I am not, Beom..” he mutters sadly. Taking Beomgyu’s hands together and squeezing it lightly. Hoping that Beomgyu would squeeze back.
“Oh.” he blurts out. His eyes looked shocked, and again, it went back to the dazed state. “How bad is it?”
Yeonjun turned to the manager, his eyes telling the manager to explain because he himself doesn’t know that much about Beomgyu’s condition. He was about to ask earlier, but Beomgyu woke up before he could.
“I… It’s in the second stage. Your tumor. In the late second stage, going to the third stage and it’s expected to continue growing, and that would be lethal-”
Yeonjun’s heart felt like it was stabbed a few times hearing the word lethal . Why is the manager putting his words like that? Couldn’t he find better words?
“It’s still possible to have surgery to take it out right?” Beomgyu asked hopefully.
“...It’s in the innermost part of your brain… It would be risky to take it out, that’s what the doctor said.”
“Oh.”
“The success rate in Seoul is lower than in the US, so the doctor advised that it’s better to go to the US.” the manager continued explaining. “They have better equipment in the US.”
Oh. Then does Beomgyu need to go to the US for the surgery? It would be better. At least, at the very least, he can live.
“What about TXT then? What about MOA? And the comeback?”
Beomgyu's eyes started to glisten. His glassy eyes looked liked he could break down anytime. And it hurt Yeonjun. It hurt him so much.
“Beom, now is not the time to think about that-”
“Then what do I live for?”
Yeonjun sighed. He knew Beomgyu had a habit of putting others before him. Thinking about others before thinking about himself. And for other times, it’s good. But not right now. Not when he could die.
The way Hyeon said it could be lethal, it sent shivers down his spine. It’s scary. He can’t lose Beomgyu. He definitely can’t. He’s known Beomgyu for so long, his life is accustomed to having Beomgyu around, and he couldn’t imagine living without Beomgyu.
“Do my parents know about this?”
“No… I haven’t told them yet. They’re on their way here though. They heard about you going to the hospital.”
“What about the other members? And Bang PD?”
“No… none of them know yet.”
“Alright. I’ll just tell my parents. You can tell the members and Bang PD.”
And that happened. Beomgyu told his parents. It didn’t really go well. His mother started crying on the line, worried about her son, telling him that she is on her way to Seoul now.
The same happened with the manager calling Soobin, asking Soobin to put it on speaker so that Taehyun and Kai could listen. Kai, who they have not remembered when he last cried, since it has been so long since he cried, had cried. Soobin was silent. Too dumbfounded to say anything. His ears refused to believe what he had heard. While Taehyun also sniffled a little and was the only one in the right mind to ask the details about Beomgyu’s condition.
It all went so fast. Beomgyu was quite dazed when it all happened. At one moment, Soobin was picking up the phone happily, at another moment, he was silent, and all he could hear was sniffs and cries from the other line.
The doctor let Beomgyu get discharged, asking them to make their decisions as soon as possible so that he could arrange the treatment in the US before the tumor gets bigger. And gets more dangerous.
On the way home, Beomgyu was silent the whole time, only looking out the window, looking at the blue sky. Yeonjun didn’t want to say anything, Beomgyu looked so deep in thoughts, so he kept quiet. Not wanting to disturb him. Though he still reached out his hand to Beomgyu’s, squeezing it lightly. Wanting to give him some sense of comfort in any way possible.
What is he thinking?
Yeonjun would never know. Because that's just how of a private person Beomgyu is. Private of his emotions. People may know his favourite food, his favourite drink, his favourite drama, his favourite emoticon to use. Yet, those are all physical things, no one ever knew what goes on in his head. No one ever knew how he really feels emotionally.
He didn’t even cry when he found out that he had a tumor. He didn’t even react like how Yeonjun reacted.
Why is he hiding his feelings?
Or does he simply not feel anything?
It broke his heart further when Beomgyu didn’t squeeze back. Simply letting the hand be on his. He didn’t even look like he noticed Yeonjun’s hand on his.
~~~
“Beomgyu!”
Beomgyu was immediately engulfed in a hug by Soobin right when he stepped in the meeting room. Soobin cried in Beomgyu’s arms and Beomgyu simply shushed him softly, caressing the older’s hair slowly to calm him down.
If anyone else were to see this, they would think that Soobin was the one having the cancer, but it was the opposite. Beomgyu was the one with it, but Beomgyu was the one to comfort his fellow member.
Taehyun and Hueningkai had red eyes, standing just a few feet away from Beomgyu and Soobin. Watching the interaction, and Taehyun, being the observant person he is, saw how empty Beomgyu’s eyes looked.
Just a day ago, Beomgyu’s eyes held the universe in it, now it was all gone. It looked dull. Too dull for his liking.
“It’s okay, hyungie. It’s not that bad.” Beomgyu tried to laugh it off. Patting Soobin’s back.
Soobin shakes his head. His hug on Beomgyu, getting tight. His cries, getting louder.
He couldn’t comprehend how Beomgyu was so strong. Too strong for his liking. And he knows, he knows that the younger was keeping it inside him. Hiding everything, hiding all his feelings inside him.
“Beomgyu…” Yeonjun began. “Sit down first, okay? Soobin, too. Calm down.”