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Cha Young Min was left with a heart that felt heavy after his conversation with Tes. His mind kept wondering about tomorrow. What is going to happen to his life, will he live and wake up and forget everything that he knew and felt and experienced as a ghost the past months. Or will he die and disappear from this world, leaving the people he got to know, the ones he got to tolerate, like, love, and cherish deeply..
His chest hurts just thinking about it. Both outcomes aren’t ideal by any means, both will lead to heartbreak, disappointment or worse; grief.
Also, Tes reprimanding words about his temper makes him wince, he knew it got worse after the accident.
And as a result his thoughts travel back to his conversation with Seung Tak after almost exposing their secret to Se Jin.
—————
“There are things you’re dying to tell her. She must be the same” Seung Tak says, tone soft, almost hoarse from the heavy conversation, his red-rimmed eyes avoiding his gaze, whether with guilt or something else, Young Min doesn’t linger to confirm.
“I will hear and tell her myself, I’ll see her with my eyes and speak with my lips. I’ll bottle it up and later on, all at once, altogether, I’ll tell her with my own self!” he persisted angrily , not budging an inch.
Seung Tak looks at him with an almost pitying gaze, still with the same tone “ No one knows when you’ll wake up”
Young Min sneers outraged “ Whenever I wake up!”
Seung Tak interrupts him trying to hold his frustration “ You won’t even remember this!”
“ I will start over.” He replies, as if it was easy, obvious, not a sad fact.
“What if you don’t wake up then?!” Seung Tak says frustration leaking through, desperate for him to realize how severe the situation is “ the people I saw since I was eight, more ended up dying than waking up.. one day, they disappear without a trace. At a moment when no one expect them to, unable to say goodbye..” he takes a breath in “ .. to their loved ones” not once making eye contact with Young Min, every word spoken from his heart, words that speaks to his own sorrow and experience, desperate for his professor to understand, to listen, to realize... he’s not just speaking about Young Min and his ex, it probably wasn’t about her from the beginning of their conversation, a little part of Seung Tak prays that the man will realize it too, that it kills him inside as much as it might hurt his precious Se jin. That he’s scared and was speaking his fears in her name.. and another part, his insecure one, hopes he keeps being oblivious, and it adds to his pain to know which one won.
Young Min resolves almost crumbles, his heart clinching painfully, both from Seung Tak’s words and the way he looked like he was confessing a secret buried deep in his soul. He decides to ignore it, his anger dominating his senses. What does he even know, he’s not the person involved, not the person who’s life is on the line here, and continue, disregarding his words and his own feelings “ so what, I might die soon myself, so I should say goodbye?” Unconsciously phrasing it like an accusation, looking done at Seung Tak.
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Seung Tak says in defense, voice shaking.
“ Yes, I know that. Pneumothorax, pneumonia, blood poisoning, just one small mishap, and I’ll disappear without a trace! I get that!” He shouts in frustration and pain, breathe hitching “ but even so, even if I end up dying before I wake up...” he chokes up, rubbing his red wet eyes with his hand, taking a moment to collect himself. Seung Tak looks at him with a pained expression, helpless.
“ Seung Tak. When one wakes up from a coma, do you know why.. they remember nothing?” Young Min says tiredly “ because if they remembered what they did as a ghost, they’d never survive. If that’s how hard it is for the patients themselves, imagine how hard it would be for their loved ones” his voice get quieter and hoarser the more he talks, and Seung Tak heart breaks just watching him, wishing to erase his pain, to help.. there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to help if only Young Min would let him..
Young Min swallow thickly “ what if I don’t remember? And she’s the only one who remember?” His voice rises again gradually in frustration(deep inside his mind he’s begging his mouth to shut up, shut up!) he doesn’t, “ just like you said, what if I end up dead? Even if I can’t handle it, how do you expect her to handle it on her own!? No one including myself should know about this, so the world can go on as it should. There are rules in the living realm.. so what gives you the right to break those rules?” Accusing him angrily, his tone reprimanding.
Young Min only later, a little too late, realizes how cruel his words sounded to Seung Tak.
But he didn’t know how hard it stabbed right through his already wounded heart. Only realized later, that in his words he failed to remember that in reality, the one who’s bound to get his heart broken and be forgotten is none other than Seung Tak himself. And neither does he know, how much it took for Seung Tak not to breakdown and shout at him ‘ What about me? What about my feelings? Don’t I matter to you at all? Am I not the one who’s going to get left out at the end? The only one with the memories of them together and everything they went through!?’ Nor does he hear his desperate scream in his head ‘please won’t you see me? Why do you never think of my feelings in this matter? I want you to remember me as much as I will remember you, am I selfish and delusional to want that? I would take anything from you, but please, look at me like you look at her at least once before I lose you..’ but none of that comes out of Seung Tak’s mouth, nor show on his face. Opting to stare at Young Min and blinking as little as possible, so not to let a tear dare to fall.
He looks down and says instead “ when your loved ones pass away all of a sudden without a goodbye, the people left behind end up in tremendous pain” his voice cracks slightly, blinking his eyes quickly to ease the burn and to keep the tears from escaping “ and I’m sure you know that better than anyone”he finished, swallowing the lump in his throat.
———————
Young Min sigh in resignation. He might have indeed been too cruel to the poor guy the past couple of days, not even stopping to think about his feelings in the matter, and the impact on his life or how hard it would be on him to carry the weight of their memories alone. He regent pouring his frustration and anger on him even though he had nothing to do with his fate, but actually was the most help to him throughout their time together, going as far as finding the cause of his weak brainwaves (he doesn’t think about it often, but he’s so grateful to have met him and proud of his student’s intelligence).
He knows Seung Tak can be blunt and rude sometimes with his words and it didn’t help that his badmouth had to open at the wrong time and with the worst words that rubbed salt at Young Min’s wounds and made him lash on him.
Young Min looks around, arms crossed at his chest and mumbles “ did I apologize to him I wonder?”
And just as he reached the escalators, Seung Tak happened to get back from his trip, walking without noticing him.
Young Min looks at him, and his heart drops suddenly, sending a fluttering sensations through his core that leaves him confused. He looks down at his heart in surprise, putting his hand against it, feeling the loud thumping of his heartbeats “ what’s wrong with you? Why are you suddenly getting nervous? It’s just Seung Tak... plain, bratty, annoying, sweet-hearted, rumpled-looking, feeble... precious Seung Tak..” he keeps mumbling absentmindedly, then groans “ what am I saying.. this is Seung Tak, Cha Young Min, get a grip of yourself!” He bangs on his heart to calm it down, swallowing the lump starting to form in his throat. Now it’s just Seung Tak left to say goodbye to... he close his eyes furiously. He doesn’t want to say goodbye to that brat who has been beside him, almost inseparable, for months now... he can’t comprehend how..( if he ever wakes up) how to even start the day without seeing him, bickering with him, drinking coffee without talking with or teasing each other, operating without him, celebrating his successful surgeries without him, laughing and making fun of the staff and getting scolded by Tes about how attached they’re and how much trouble they cause together every day...
“Gosh..” his heart thumping double up and he covers his face with his hands a small dry sob escaping his mouth.
He slaps his face, taking a deep breath, he forces himself to go through this, remembering Seung Tak’s words and how much he said it meant to treasure those last moments even if they’re going to or will hurt in the end and follows him, dragging him to his office so they can talk comfortably.. or as comfortably as this conversation going to be.
They entered his office with a confused Seung Tak, asking about his strange request to come here.
Young Min ignore him and instead order in a calm voice “ Lock the door, Seung Tak”
Seung Tak turns to him in surprise, eyes widening “ why?” He asks, smiling nervously, getting even more confused.
“ are you trying to lock me in here and keep me all to yourself because we were too busy to spend time together recently?” He jokes, trying to lighten the mood, but Young Min looks at him seriously, eyes turning to the door pointedly.
Seung Tak blinks, and goes to do just that. He turns back to his professor “ here, I locked it, satisfied?” He says with a playful smile.
Young Min looks at him for a few long moments, taking in his appearance and his face, as if engraving it to his memory, as if he looked hard enough he could keep holding on to this memory and never forget when he wakes up. He looks at Seung Tak’s messy fluffy hair (that more times than he would like to admit, he longed to ruffle and tug on gently). He looks at his adorable expression, his soft glimmering eyes, and his cute puffy cheeks (that he wants to pinch so bad, to feel how soft and chubby they are). He looks at his small innocent smile, lips he knows can curl into a not so innocent smile too, one he uses when he feels particularly naughty, the same one that made him wanna smack him across the face more than one occasion (and also smooch him, his brain supplies unhelpfully. He doesn’t let himself get effected by the sudden admission). His eyes travels down, taking in his baggy outfit ( which makes him look so huggable). And Young Min hurt, just thinking about forgetting this precious man.
Seung Tak face scrunch up impatiently, a bit tired after the recent events, “ Hello, Professor Cha Young Min? Why are you looking at me like that, do I have something on my handsome face? ” He says cheekily, waving his hands around trying to get his professor’s attention.
Young Min blinks as if waking up from a dream, and clears his throat “ sorry, got lost in thought “ he says to him with a flustered expression.
“ can you stand against the wall please?”
Seung Tak twist his head to the side cutely “ why..?” He asks, looking at the man weirdly, who keeps giving him strange requests.
Young Min sigh in annoyance “ can you do something without being a smartass for once?”
Seung Tak pouts “ you’re the one who dragged me here without telling me anything and kept ordering me to do weird things. You’re making me nervous, what’s going on? Did I do something wrong? Did I make you upset again without realizing?” He says slightly hurt.
Young Min face soften, feelings of guilt for the harsh way he treated him the day before crushing back again.
He soften his tone and says, with a pained smile he hopes Seung Tak won’t notice, “ nothings wrong, and you didn’t upset me. Just trust me and do as I say, okay?”
Seung Tak looks at him warily, but decides to trust him like always and goes to stand against the wall between the desk and the board. And wait expectedly.
Young Min takes a breath, then walks in front of Seung Tak, closing the distance between them, until he had Seung Tak between his arms which he lean against the wall so not to directly touch him, crowding his personal space as much as possible without causing the golden particles to rise and fuse their bodies together.
Seung Tak gasps, eyes widening “ wha.. what are you- what are you doing?” He says body going rigid, his left hand grasping the corner of the coffee stand near his hip unconsciously.
Young Min hides his face near his neck, making it look like he buried it against it, and whispers softly with his cheeks flushing slightly and heart thumping like a drum against his ribcage “ what does it look like? Obviously I’m hugging you. As best as our circumstances allows anyway” he chuckles lightly at their situation, and continue “ so you better not move or I might go inside you by accident” .
Seung Tak trembles slightly, face turning bright red, both at their position and the way Young Min’s breath brush against his neck right under his ear. He begs his heart to calm down before he faint from how loud and quick it became, and from the blood completely collecting into his face.
“ wh- why are you hugging me?” He stutters nervously.
Young Min smile sadly “ I might never get to do that after today... and I couldn’t let myself regret missing this chance. You told me it was better to act upon my feelings when I have the chance instead of wasting time hoping for better or more ideal circumstances” he continue tone gentle “ I made my peace, and I said my goodbyes and I left you last hoping for something, some miracle, but then I realized there was no prolonging our departure. And even if I didn’t say goodbye to you, you’re still going to get hurt, even if I don’t acknowledge the fact I’m actually leaving you behind, I still won’t remember our time.. if I wake up, nor can I stay beside you the same way any longer in any case. So here’s me saying my goodbyes to you, Ko Seung Tak, so you better listen carefully and not interrupt me” his voice cracks in the middle of his talk, small drops of tears falling down his cheeks.
Seung Tak bites his lips harshly to keep his sobs from escaping, not succeeding in holding the seemingly endless tears pouring down his cheeks as if finally bursting out after so much time holding them back. This is it isn’t?. They’re really saying goodbye aren’t they?
His heart squeeze painfully at every word whispered softly against his neck. A sudden violent desire to wrap his arms tightly around the man invading his personal space, leaves him choked up. He squeeze the wooden shelf harder.
Young Min disregard his tears and pushes himself to say everything he wanted to say to him, keeping to his promise to not regret not saying the word he longs to express in his own physical body with his own lips but being unable to “ You’re an amazing person Seung Tak. With a heart of gold, a mind so brilliant and a charming personality that leaves even the most stubborn people helpless not to get drawn to you. I know you don’t care about being a Doctor, but if you ever give yourself the chance, I have no doubt you’re going to shine so much brighter. And I wanted to tell, how much I’m proud of you for helping me save all those people, myself included even when the situation didn’t specifically call for your personal help.
You were there for me when no else was, even though we never got to know each other properly before, you still helped me every step of the way, and even reminded me about my passion as a doctor,I don’t know how to ever repay you” he stopped to breathe, sniffing subtly “ I never had a family or friends who cared about me before or after Se Jin left me, but after we got to know each other, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so lonely anymore...” he pauses slightly to find the courage to say the next words” you- you were the closest thing to a real friend that I ever had. And I wish you could see how absolutely cherished you are in my heart” he sniffs again and then chuckles joylessly.
Seung Tak who kept still and quiet throughout the whole one-sided conversation, was hanging by a thread. God how much he longed to hear those words from his professor. He still can’t grasp everything he’s hearing, but he wishes, oh he wishes, they stay like this forever, with Young Min all to himself, even if it’s just in here, like this, almost hugging, whispering to him sweet things that both fill and break him deep inside. He wants to talk, to tell Young Min how much he cares about him too, how kind, talented and compassionate he is. How Seung Tak feels the same, that of course he’s not going to let him feel lonely as long as he would allow him to stay by his side. That unlike how he is to Young Min, he’s not just a friend to Seung Tak, but so, so much more. That he wishes, horrifyingly, selfishly, cruelly, that nothing ever changes. And he wants to stab himself repeatedly for ever thinking that way.
Young Min finally noticed the shaking body inches from his, and he wants, no yearns, to hug him for real. Not a damn inch separating them, flushed completely against each other not even air could dare hope to get between them. He leans his head against the wall instead, welcoming the cool feeling on his forehead.
“ Seung Tak-ah, I know I have been rough on you recently, overusing your body and lashing at you and not appreciating you enough, and I’m sorry. For everything. For everything I caused and everything I made you go through or feel, I’m sorry” his lips tremble, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. He hears a sob, and for a second there, he fears he was the one letting it out, but then another follows and he realize it’s not him but Seung Tak sobbing. And he immediately leans back, eyes widening, he finally looks at the sight before him.
Seung Tak couldn’t hold it in anymore, his heart hurts, his throat hurts, his eyes hurts, his muscles hurts from standing still, and he breaks down sobbing loudly, fat drops of tears falling down, nose wet and gasping uncontrollably.
Young Min watch helplessly, fumbling to comfort his crying student without touching him, while at the same time trying to hold himself form following Seung Tak and breaking down himself, one hand wrapped tightly around his mouth.
He clear his throat, and wipes his face with the sleeves of his suit.
“ hey, hey don’t cry! I’m still here, I’m right here beside you, calm down Seung Tak-ah” he reassures hands flailing around wanting to touch but unable.
“ please don’t cry.. hey.. stop you’re going to make me cry too you idiot!” he says already fresh tears falling, face red and lips swollen from biting it.
Seung Tak couldn’t stop himself if he tried, his professor’s attempt at comforting him making him cry harder, he can’t even open his eyes from how swollen they were, still pouring down like there’s no tomorrow. And isn’t that true? Tomorrow they mark the ending of their (sort of) relationship, and he laughs and sobs at the same time just thinking about it.
Young Min finally pulls completely away, releasing him from their, kind of, hug.
He says half-threateningly, not actually planning to “ if you don’t do as I say and calm down, I’ll go inside you and make you stop, okay? Now, take a deep breath, in and out, slowly” he instruct gently, arms hovering over Seung Tak’s body.
Seung Tak sniffs, wiping his tears harshly, following the instructions and taking deep breaths to calm down. They both repeat it for a few minutes until they both calmed down, only small sniffs could be heard from Seung Tak.
Young Min smiles softly at him “ are you okay now?” He asks.
Seung Tak nods, rubbing his face and collecting himself. Still not making eye contact, least he start all over again.
Young Min wouldn’t have it “ look at me, Seung Tak-ah” he orders, gaze soft.
Seung Tak ignore him and keep his eyes down.
Young Min sigh. This stubborn punk. He forces a grin on his face and jokes halfheartedly “ if I ever knew that the way to keep your smartass from being rude and actually listening to me for once, was to compliment you, I would’ve done it a long time ago”
Seung Tak snort, his lips finally curling into something resembling a smile.
“ if you-“ he clears his throat after hearing his voice cracking” if you stopped insulting me for a second and actually appreciated me sooner, we wouldn’t be here wiping our red faces” he jokes back weakly.
Young Min, brush the mocking words in favor of gazing fondly at the cute sight in front of him. Seung Tak’s eyes, now dry but still red and swollen, glimmering. And his small smile brightening his expression slightly.
He blink astonished, everything rushing at him in clarity, everything suddenly making sense. The way he can’t help but follow him around, or the way his days would be plain, boring and draining whenever Seung Tak takes a day off, or the way he would smile at him sometimes where everyone and every noise just disappear and only Seung Tak’s face and voice would be clear, or the way he would laugh so hard without a care in the world whenever Seung Tak makes a joke about his colleagues or the staff, or the way he would sometimes just look at him, not a thought in his head, as if gazing at an art piece in a gallery.
Young Min’s breath hitches, he really cares about (loves) him doesn’t he? The boy who won’t let anyone past his facade, who hides his feelings with vengeance ( like he’s scared to be vulnerable, to get hurt), actually cried deeply for him, mourning him,them... Fuck, he wants to wrap him up and cuddle him and protect him from anyone and anything that dare hurt him.
Seung Tak interrupts his thoughts by suddenly sending him a huge unbidden grin and says softly, his face red, whether from his crying fit moments ago or something else, Young Min doesn’t linger, as his heart starts doing summersaults, and isn’t it getting hard to breathe or is it just him?
“ I appreciate you giving me a special goodbye, and I’m sorry for getting emotional, and for being an insensitive jerk the last couple of days. But I will still wait for you, for your actual living body, to hug me for real and tell me everything all over again. And as you said, when you forget, we can just start over from the beginning, after all I’m too charming to be ignored, right?” He finish laughing quietly, hope in his eyes for their future; that was too fearful to appear, finally shining through.
Young Min laughs with him breathlessly, still stunned at finally realizing his strong feelings towards Seung Tak, that it wasn’t Se jin who he was in love with anymore, not for a while now.
He straighten up, brush the creases on his suit and walk backwards a few steps, he makes eye contact with Seung Tak and says seriously with a genuine smile “ About everything up until now, thank you” he says before bowing down slightly. He then rises back and continue “ We shall get to know each other again next time, resident Ko Seung Tak”.
Seung Tak gaps at him, not believing his eyes, he actually... when he said he wished for him to do it after the accident, he actually listened..
Seung Tak blushes, heartbeats rising, he avoid the professor’s eyes. But then his brain catches up with him, he realize he almost didn’t hear the last part, and he bites his lips, containing the huge dopy smile almost splitting his cheeks.
He rises his head and look Young Min in the eyes “can’t wait!” He answers cheerfully.
Young Min smile widened to match Seung Tak’s, heart feeling lighter than ever, the hopes of him regaining his life back, that he didn’t dare feed too much, burst in full inside him without remorse.