Chapter Text
For as long as she could remember, Emma had always depended on Ray.
From the first time they’d met as children to the day they started college, he had always been there, by her side. He was her best friend, in a way that was special, different from how she was friends with everyone else.
She had Norman, who was brilliant and determined, ever willing to assist her with accomplishing her goals. She had Gilda, who was kind and sharp with a fierce desire to keep her safe. She had Don, who was passionate and brave, who would lend a hand whenever she had a need.
But, when she had no one else to turn to, when she needed someone to be there, Emma always had Ray.
–
When it began, Emma knew that keeping it a secret from Ray would be her most difficult challenge yet.
Everyone was entitled to their secrets, but she didn’t have any that he didn’t know about, that he was unaware of. That was how it was. She kept his secrets under wraps, and he did the same for her.
But this was something that not even Ray could know.
She wasn’t delusional. She knew that he would likely notice eventually… the way she used a journal to keep track of every single calorie that went into her body, the way she nibbled at whatever she had for lunch in the cafeteria, the way she sat over an empty plate whenever they hung out as a group and got something to eat.
Ray was just sharp like that, always noticing details about people that they would never expect him to. How much sharper was he with Emma, who he could read easier than his favorite book?
So, Emma took special care to hide things from his careful gaze, to avoid certain topics, to always meet his eyes when he talked to her. He couldn’t think that she had something to hide, or he’d get suspicious immediately.
–
“Hey, Emma, how do you feel about getting ramen with the boys later tonight?” Gilda’s voice floated through her mind like a wisp of smoke.
Snapping to attention so quickly that she almost felt lightheaded, Emma found herself stumbling over her words. “That sounds like a good idea… I had lunch a little earlier so I probably won’t have much, but I’m sure the boys would love ramen.”
They were sitting together in the library, working their way through some assigned reading before their next classes. Light filtered through the windows around them, causing Emma’s vision to become spotty. She squinted, trying to make out the words that stretched across the pages in front of her.
“Emma.” Gilda’s voice was surprisingly sharp, considering how gentle she normally was. “Emma, you and I went to the cafeteria together, and all you had was some rice.” She slammed her book shut, startling Emma from her thoughts. “You’re getting a bowl of ramen tonight, on me.”
With a small shake of her head, Emma was quick to refuse the offer. “I’m okay, Gilda, really.”
Gilda huffed in frustration. “I’m telling the boys we’re going out tonight. It’s a Friday, and we all deserve a bit of fun.” Then, she met Emma’s eyes and narrowed her gaze. “And you’re going to eat some ramen.”
As she reread a sentence over and over again, trying to comprehend it, Emma found that she didn’t really have the strength to argue back. “Okay, Gilda. We can go tonight.”
Sighing in relief, Gilda nodded before shooting off a few texts to the boys. “Thank you.” She pursed her lips, looking at Emma from over the bridge of her glasses. “We’re all worried about you, you know.”
“I don’t know why,” Emma managed to laugh in reply. “I’m perfectly fine!” She flashed her teeth in a bright smile, willing Gilda to just drop it. “We’ll have a good time tonight; it’ll be the perfect way to start off the weekend.”
Gilda still seemed suspicious, but she returned to her reading a few moments later. “Okay, Emma.”
“I appreciate the concern though!” Emma hoped that her act was convincing enough because she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d be able to keep it up. Her headache was getting worse.
–
As Emma, Ray, and Norman piled into the back of Don’s car, Emma allowed her eyes to slide shut, focusing on the comforting sound of her friends’ voices. She’d somehow managed to survive her last class of the day, and she was now more than ready to relax. After settling into her seat, she struggled for a few moments with her seatbelt before Ray’s fingers clasped around it, shooing hers away.
“I’ve got it.” Ray popped the buckle into its proper place before adjusting her seatbelt and tousling her curls.
Emma gave him a grateful smile as her head dropped against his shoulder. “Thanks, Ray.”
From beyond Ray’s other side, Norman leaned forward over the console so that he could help Don program the GPS, and Gilda glanced back from where she was sitting in the front seat to check and make sure that all was still well in the back.
“We ready to get going?” Don asked, drumming his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel.
Curling her fingers around the fabric of Ray’s flannel, Emma found herself nodding along with the rest of her friends. As Gilda and Norman conversed while Don drove, she closed her eyes and focused on the light scent of smoke, mint, and something distinctly Ray.
Up until the past few months, smoke hadn’t been present in most of Ray’s clothing, and Emma wondered briefly why it’d become such a staple for him lately. Still, she snuggled into his shoulder, trusting that he’d nudge her awake when they reached their destination. Through the haze of her mind, she recognized the feeling of his head resting against hers, and her lips curled into a smile.
–
“Emma?” Ray’s voice drifted in and out of her consciousness before her eyes had the chance to pop open and take in her surroundings. “Emma, we’re here.”
Twisting around in her seat to fiddle with her seatbelt, Emma grit her teeth in frustration when she couldn’t unbuckle herself. “Where is everyone?” She asked, finally realizing that she and Ray were in the car, alone.
Swiftly, Ray unbuckled her seatbelt before opening the car door. “Inside. You knocked out on the ride over, and we didn’t want to wake you.” He stepped out onto the sidewalk before holding out a hand. “Norman said that he’d take care of our orders, though, so don’t worry.”
Emma hid a bitter smile at the irony of it all, even as her fingers clasped around Ray’s. “Okay. That sounds good to me.”
After walking down the sidewalk, they entered the restaurant and found their friends already seated with steaming bowls in front of them.
“Over here, guys!” Don called before Gilda hushed him. Lowering his voice, he grinned upon their arrival, “Norman ordered your ramen for you. Everything just arrived so it should all be hot still!”
Ray pulled out Emma’s seat, and she sat down, dread overcoming her at the sight of the very full bowl in front of her. “Thanks, Norman,” she said, cursing the way her voice cracked as she did. Reaching for a pair of chopsticks, she gathered enough strength to meet her friends’ gazes and smile. “And thank you, everyone, for waiting.”
Unable to focus on much else beyond the bowl of noodles in front of her, Emma fought against the anxious knot that was now forming in her stomach. She felt like a child, losing count of the number of times that her chopsticks nearly slipped from her grasp. The noodles were slippery, and the soup was hot, and there were small chunks of seasoned meat in her bowl. Several times, all she could scoop up with her chopsticks were little pieces of green onion.
Every bit of food that slipped down her throat was a mistake, and her stress rose with each bite. She lost count of the number of calories she was eating, but all she knew was that she was eating too many of them.
She fought the urge to cry. This was supposed to be a fun night out with her friends, yet all she could think about was how much she was eating. She hated feeling so fragile. Her vision was growing blurrier by the second, and she could feel Ray’s gaze burning into the side of her face.
Finally, she stood, shoving her chair to the side and racing out of the restaurant as quickly as she could. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she tried to force her breathing to steady, but all she could think of were the numbers. She was choking on something invisible, something unseen, but its effects on her were tangible and real.
When a pair of arms joined her own around her middle, she didn’t even stop to question whose they were because she knew. She knew they were Ray’s. And she twisted around in his arms and hid her face in his chest and breathed in the smoke of his flannel and cried because he was here and she was too and they needed each other.