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Over the many, many years Logan has suffered through being fri—acquainted with the merc with the mouth, he has noticed certain things about the man. It was normal for two people who were clos—acquainted with each other to know about each other’s quirks. Although Logan considered it to be more of an unfortunate side-effect than anything else. It wasn’t like he wanted to know about Deadpool’s little traits.
Be that as it may, he still found himself with the knowledge that Deadpool’s relationship status depended upon his ringtone. In the early days before Wade had gotten a twitter account it worked as his unofficial status update on relationships, only it was through annoying songs on his phone. And Deadpool seemingly always had his volume on a deathly ear-splitting setting. Even on stealth missions. (Though to be honest only an idiot would hire Deadpool for a stealth mission). It varied from person to person, but the song selections all seemed to stay within a certain theme.
Logan first began noticing it when Wade’s ringtone kept switching from “Me so Horny” to “Pony.” Turned out that Wade had been fucking twins who apparently had horrible taste in men. Wade wouldn’t shut up about how one of them was really into horses and liked to ride his dick into oblivion and back. (“Get it?” Wade giggled out to Logan who sidestepped him in an attempt to get away. “It’s set to ‘Pony’ cuz she rides my diiiiick!”)
The second time he bothered taking notice was when he was forced to listen to the god awful “Baby Got Back” for a solid week. The song had been self-explanatory, but that didn’t stop Wade from constantly bragging about “dat booty.” He’d never been more angry about having to take on a mission with Deadpool than any other they’d ever done together.
Inez’s ringtone had been, and still was, "Honkytonk". Although they didn’t actually fuck for very long, she still called him from time to time. Logan specifically remembered that one because Wade had constantly shoved it in his face whenever Inez called him until he had to break either the phone or Wade’s fingers to get him to stop. Two guesses on which option he’d always go with.
And so, over the years (whenever he bothered to take notice) Logan concluded that they were all about the same thing: ass and sex. From “Super Freak”, to “Dance Ass”, to “Wiggle”, he’d heard it all. So when Wade’s phone went off to the sound of “Smack That” in the middle of a fight, he honestly wasn’t surprised. What did surprise though him was the voice on the other end.
“Wade what’s that sound? Are you fighting someone right now?”
He placed the voice in his mind almost immediately. Peter. The one and only amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker. Peter who was still in high school. Peter who was Captain America and Iron Man’s adopted son and Wade’s best friend for god knows what reason.
“Of course not sweetie!”
Wade’s voice was honey-coated with happiness as he gushed to his friend over the phone right before shooting someone in the head.
“Then what the heck was with that gun going off just now?”
There was no way Wade’s ringtone meant anything less than what Logan suspected it did. He knew Wade all too well (lord help him) to think that it was some innocent teasing on Wade’s part.
When did they start fucking? Logan growled as he punched another guy in face before ripping his claws through his stomach. He did not want to know these things. He never asked to know these things! He just wanted to be left in peace!
Peter’s ringtone used to regularly switch between Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me” and Pitbull’s “I Know You Want Me” depending upon Wade’s mood. It had been a sickening sight how Wade would always squeal like some schoolgirl at her first prom every time he called. But with the revelation of the new song Wade had lovingly attached to Peter’s number, Logan knew the end had finally come. The ringtone never lied. Something had definitely changed in their relationship. So just what the hell was going on? Had Wade actually made a move or had he literally just smacked Peter's ass?
“Noooothing. Just watching TV. You know. Just chillin not killin.”
“Right.” The tone of an unamused superhero bled through the phone as Peter deadpanned his disbelief at Wade’s answer.
Not that Logan gave a shit about Wade’s inability to hold a relationship, or a woman’s ability to not vomit in Wade’s face whenever they went at it, but that kid did happen to be Tony Stark’s and Steve Roger’s son—wait. No. Stop right there. He was not getting involved in this. No, no, and again just no. It wasn’t his problem. Just ignore it. It would go away eventually like all of Wade’s flings.
Just ignore it.
-
Logan watched from the dining table as Peter shuffled about in the kitchen making sandwiches. Annoyance pricked at the edges of his mind. It wasn’t any of his business. He honestly didn’t know why it was even bothering him.
“How’s Wade?”
Fuck.
Peter looks up from the jar of miracle whip in his hands at stares at him. Logan decides to go for the I-only-asked-to-make-polite-conversation-I-don’t-actually-care-about-your-answer look. Which is partly true of course. He doesn’t care how their whole friends-turned-to-lovers thing is currently doing now that Peter has graduated and come out to his parents about his choice of boyfriend. There was bound to be feelings and Logan would rather not talk about Wade’s feelings.
But it’s been a few months since he’s last seen Deadpool. Or heard his ringtone.
What if it’s changed since then?
Oh wait—he doesn’t care. Right.
“Fine.” Peter says, head tilted in a boyish way that makes him seems impossibly younger than he already is. Christ he really was just a kid.
“He’s just dropped by actually. Did you want to talk to him?”
Logan hasn’t even formed the first syllable of his blatant refusal before Wade bounds—fucking prances—into the kitchen. He’s in his civvies underneath his suit and Logan absolutely does not do a double take. He already knew Wade owned a ridiculous amount of Spiderman shirts. This is not new knowledge for him. He could really do without the booty shorts though.
“Com’ on let’s go!” Wade whines in an Australian accent. He flails his arms for dramatic emphasis and makes to tug at the hem of Peter’s shirt. “Let’s go on an adventure! Com’ on let’s gooooo!”
“I thought you said you were hungry!” Peter tells him, exasperation giving way to something Way Too Fond for Logan to be comfortable with overhearing.
“Yeah, but now I want to go do that thing with you!”
“What thing?”
“The thing! You know, at that one place with the—what the hell is that??”
Just as he’s tuning out the conversation Logan turns his head at Wade’s sudden horrified cry.
“Are you using miracle whip?! That sad condiment masquerading as the magnificence that is mayonnaise?”
Peter slowly and deliberately puts down the jar.
“Wade,” he says, and Logan suddenly wishes he were anywhere but here. He’s about take witness to a Domestic Conversation with Deadpool. Lord have mercy. This is not his fucking life right now.
And just as the thought passes through his mind, Wade finally takes notice of him.
“Logan buddy! Hey, tell Peter you agree with me that mayo is the only worthy sandwich condiment!”
And that’s his cue to get the fuck out.
-
Wade is a mess from head to toe and Logan is terrified he is going to ask him for moral support.
The two were fighting. Well, to more accurately put it, Peter was mad at Wade and wasn’t talking to him. It was probably something Wade did. Scratch that. It was definitely something Wade did. It always was. It had probably been inevitable. And let’s be honest, a lot of guys in Stark Tower had been taking bets. But this was the first time Wade had looked this upset about a break up, or at least what Logan assumed was a break up. According to Wade’s current tale of woe Peter had cleared out his stuff from Wade’s apartment. That was usually the final step in breaking up. Plus there was the fact Peter hadn’t called him in over a month and was ignoring Wade’s own attempts to contact him.
Logan gives the man a brief, extremely brief, look of sympathy. Wade was clutching his beer glass a little too tight and his shoulders were stiff with stress. His forehead bangs against the cold surface of the bar as he falls against it.
“Why do I always fuck everything up?” Wade mumbles from his position. “Pete’s like, the best thing that ever happened to me. You know? He’s...he’s my baby boy.”
Logan shifts uncomfortably. He’s heard every sob story from here to Timbuktu. It wasn’t like it was something he enjoyed, but the utter defeat in Wade’s voice is something he’s not used to and he doesn’t like the way it sits in the pit of his stomach. It feels wrong.
“He’s just—so perfect. He’s literally got a hot red-head hanging off his arm, and yet he still agreed to go out with me! That just doesn’t happen to guys like me! Do you have any idea how hot Mary-Jane is? Do you?!”
Wade’s voice grows louder and more boisterous with each word. The bouncer eyes them from the doorway and Logan glares back until the other man caves and looks away.
“—and they’ve both got great asses! All perfect couples have great asses! They could make the most beautiful assed babies together!”
Logan motions for the bartender to come fill up his drink again. It looked like Wade wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And for some weird reason, even though he hates this sort of thing, he can’t really entertain the idea of leaving Wade alone in his spiraling descent into depression. Who knows what the mercenary would do if left alone. But then, at that moment, Wade’s phone goes off and the sounds of “Mad” by Ne-yo fill his ears. Wade’s mouth snaps shut as he scrambles for his phone and hastily presses the answer button.
“Peter?”
Wade’s voice is small and hopeful. The very sound makes Logan’s gut twist.
“N-no, I can talk! Hold on!”
Wade bursts up out of his seat and ends up tripping over his legs in a desperate attempt to get outside to have a proper conversation on his cell.
Logan watches him go in a mixture of relief and uneasiness. On thebone hand, if Peter intended to take Wade back it would be a relief to have the man back to his obnoxious self instead of trying to drink himself to an impossible death. But at the same time he wasn’t sure if it was a smart move on Peter’s part. Wade had made many mistakes in his life after all. And Peter would probably only end up hurt again. They both would.
Logan takes his drink and throws his head back to down the burning liquid. He doesn’t think about Wade or Peter the rest of the night. It wasn’t like it was any of his business.
-
Logan reaches up to pull his jacket tighter around him. The polluted air of New York was getting colder every day. Soon winter would be here and that meant Christmas which meant a giant fucking headache as people decorated everything in an obnoxious pattern of red and green. God he needed a drink, and it wasn’t even 5 yet.
A flicker of red catches his eye on the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Before he realizes it, Logan is turning his head before his mind can catch up with him and tell him that he Doesn’t Care. Deadpool and Spider-Man, or more accurately, Peter Parker and Wade Wilson are clasped hand in hand as they walk down the street. They’re wearing each other’s hoodies again; a sight he’d never personally witnessed before but had been informed about from picking up on the other Avenger’s small talk. Peter’s is a messy home-stitched design (curtesy of Wade himself) of his boyfriend’s costume that hangs off his body hiding the muscle underneath. Wade wears his store bought Spider-Man hoodie proudly. It was honestly one of the most sickeningly sweet things he’d seen a couple of love-struck idiots do. It was the kind of thing that made someone want to puke glitter from all the starry looks they were shooting each other. The thing that had really made him stop to look though was Wade. Specifically his face. It wasn’t often he went out without his mask. Probably something he’d done solely for Peter’s sake.
Logan is about to look away and continue walking when Wade stiffens against Peter. A group of teenage girls hurry past them, a few of them point and giggle at Wade, not even trying to be subtle. Peter looks at Wade, worry in his eyes, but Wade shrugs it off in a nonchalant manner Logan’s been privy to all too often but had never stopped to really take note of before. He nudges Peter in a playful manner, assuring him he’s used to it. It’s fine.
He keeps watching as the two continue down the street. Another couple approaches them, probably out on a date as well. The woman eyes Wade’s face, but instead of laughing, she huddles closer to the man. She stares down at the sidewalk, afraid to meet Wade’s eyes. The man, on the other hand, stares in open disgust, recoiling at the sight of Wade’s scars.
Wade slows his steps and eventually stops walking. The couple passes by in silence. Peter shifts as he moves to stand in front of him. He squeezes their linked hands together and his lips move as he says something to him. Logan can’t quite make out the words in the noise of the city around them. But whatever it was, it makes Wade offer his boyfriend a shy, insecure smile. His eyes are hopeful as he squeezes Peter’s hand back.
Logan looks away. He wasn’t really one for all of that mushy, feelings stuff anyway.
-
Logan walks into the Avengers’ living room, sees the huge ass pillow fort in front of the TV, and promptly walks out. The sound of giggles and laughter follows him down the hall.
-
Logan wrote off Wade’s constant whistling, humming, and yes, even singing of “Chapel of Love” as another weird Wade thing. It wasn’t until his new ringtone carried the tune of “Marry You” that the alarm bells started ringing.
For the first time in his life, Wade Wilson had his full attention. He chatted on with Peter on his cell as if nothing had happened while Logan stood there speechless. What the actual fuck was going on?
He glares at the red and black clad mercenary. He wasn’t supposed to be fucking involved in this! And fuck if he was going to go to anyone about this! What the hell would he say? ‘Hey Stark, so Wade changed his ringtone. That probably means he’s going to propose to your son soon. Just a head’s up.’
He was not a fucking part of this.
-
For the record he’s only there for the beer. Not because he’s there to celebrate Peter and Wade’s marriage or whatever. Sure, he guesses that it’s sort of nice to see both men looking so happy. And Wade does seem to smile a lot brighter these days ever since his engagement to Peter.
He watches as Stark makes to shake Wade's hand and grips it just a little too tight to fall into the friendly father-in-law handshake. Wade grips his hand back and pulls him in for a surprise bear hug. Logan strides past them (Stark had taken to verbally growling and hissing while Steve tries to pacify him) and gives Peter a standard congratulatory pat on the back and grunts out an, “Good luck with your marriage,” before disappearing towards the direction of the bar.
On a happy note, Wade’s ringtone didn’t change from one obnoxious song to another from then on. It gave Logan the nice peace of mind he’d been missing, and it was actually sort of entertaining to watch Peter call Wade while on a mission (he always picked up when Peter called instead focusing on the mission, the dumbass) and watch how the superhero was able to guilt Deadpool into not killing anyone through simply his tone of voice.
Though he does take note a couple of months down the road when Wade’s ringtone is happily set to “I Wanna Have Your Babies.” But that’s none of his business.