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“Do you like it?” Felicity asked, her eyes bright and cheeks rosy with excitement as she watched her friend take the first sip of her custom drink. Gan paused, blinked, and looked down to the pastel pink drink in her hand. She gave it a swirl and a nod. Freeze-dried strawberries bloomed in and out of view, caught in the circling motion of the sweet concoction within.
“Wow, that’s… better than I was expecting, actually. You’re right about the coconut milk. It’s really good,” Gan admitted.
“See! I told you, you’d like it,” she said with a teasing smile before she straightened herself and began to walk out of the small coffee shop and into the mall.
“You’re right, you’re right,” Gan said with a small smile. Felicity had grown on her, and, besides Evey, she had become a good friend. True, she was bouncy and bright, always dressed in floras and light colors, a near direct contrast to her own style, but it was a welcomed contrast. All of it was nice. Around Evey, Felicity, and Molland she could be herself… or as close to herself as she had been in a while.
“So, I was thinking we could go to Bath and Body Works, an absolute staple to a mall trip, you know. Then, the local bookshop here? I hear they have a great selection of used books,” she said as she walked out into the bustle of the Wednesday afternoon crowd. “Then! I was thinking maybe we could go to this new pizza place they opened on the south end of the mall. I hear the food is great…” Felicity’s commentary drifted off as Gan looked around. The sights and sounds almost felt like they would become too much, and she wondered how much the medication for her headache would work. She hated the idea of having to abandon this girls-day-out with Felicity over a headache. Felicity had insisted they would only go if the doctor had okay’d it and if she felt well enough to walk around. Gan had assured her that she was well enough to walk around the mall.
Gan inhaled deeply, tried not to think about the din of human voices, how they echoed off the walls and into her head. A store alarm blared, someone stopped, hands loaded down with bags, a child wailed in the distance and the sound of people hawking their wears from the center-isle kiosks rattled around in her head like pinballs.
She took a sip of her drink and inhaled.
I’m fine.
Felicity grabbed her arm and Gan stopped, momentarily afraid that she’d been caught calming herself.
“Oh! We need to go in there,” she said, and Gan smelled the store before she looked up to the bright green sign.
CROCS.
The toothy crocodile mascot seemed to mock her as she followed Felicity into the shop.
The store was small, a few racks stood in the middle of it, displaying a variety of styles, colors, and patters of the brand. Gan had never given the shoe much thought beyond how goofy they looked especially with how steep their price tag was. Not only that but her size was always sold out at the off-price departments stores she frequented. She looked down to her worn out Tom’s then back up to Felicity.
She did need new shoes, but she wasn’t sure Crocs were part of her look.
“Gan, these have flowers on them. Aren’t they cute?” she asked and Gan, nearly high from the smell of the merchandise, approached her.
“I do like the pattern,” Gan said, as she sipped at the pink drink.
“You should pick out a pair! They’re great for standing long periods. You might like them for when you work,” Felicity said and placed the shoe back on its display then wandered to another pair.
“Oh, no, I’m good,” Gan tried to deflect as she turned and looked at the opposite wall.
“Please, Gan, my treat. I think you more than deserve a new pair of shoes. Think of it as a “you got better” gift, okay?” Gan turned to look at the blonde. Her smile was genuine, her eyes full of kindness she didn’t deserve, and she was reminded that this was her friend and friends did things like this. Gan, disarmed, conceded.
“Um… sure. I’ll buy lunch then?” she offered, and Felicity nodded.
“Sounds like a fair trade,” she agreed as she came to stand by Gan. She pointed to a pair of shoes on the wall. “You need those,” Gan followed her finger.
“No,” she dead panned. The blonde giggled.
“What? No yellow polka dot platforms for you?”
“Absolutely not. Who even buys that?” Gan asked, a smile curled her lips again as Felicity enthusiastically pointed out pair after pair of ridiculous suggestions. It was the distraction Gan needed. The mall noise fell away, and the dull throb of her headache was ignored. Even the smell of the store seemed to clear as they looked through the racks and walls for the perfect pair of goofy footwear.
“What about these? The black pair for you and the grey pair for me?” Felicity asked as she held up the Classic Clogs bedazzled with glitter. “Then we could pick out four charms for one another. I won’t look at what you pick, and you can’t look at what I pick, okay?” she offered, and Gan nodded.
“I like that idea, and, for the charms, I’ll buy the next drink you want,” she rattled the ice in her pink drink as she spoke.
“You drive a hard bargain Gan,” Felicity said and both women set about picking the charms.
Gan was a bit overwhelmed with how many charms there were. She, with Felicity, circled the stand of them several times. It was difficult to pick but, finally, she had the four she wanted. Felicity made the purchase and they stepped out into the din of the mall again.
The scent of cinnamon and dough greeted her, a pleasant contrast to the sounds around her. What distraction the Croc shop had offered was lost the moment they left.
“So, which ones did you pick out?” Felicity asked and Gan looked into the small bag she held. The clerk had packed the charms separately at Felicity’s behest.
“Oh,” Gan pulled out the Jibbitz. “A pink flower, that just seemed appropriate for you, and a bee, mostly to go with the flower and I thought it was cute. A White Croc to commemorate today and a Cup of Joe because that’s how we met,” Gan announced, rather proud of her selection.
“They’re perfect,” Felicity exclaimed, and Gan handed them to her. Felicity pulled out her charms next.
“I also got you a Cup of Joe for the same reason. A music note, because your singing and guitar playing are absolutely wonderful and I’d love to hear more of both from you. A “Fries before Guys” one too, but I picked that one mostly because I thought it was funny,” Felicity said, and Gan laughed out loud. Then Felicity held up the last one and Gan felt panic lace her gut. “Then this fire one! I picked it out because of your fiery attitude and flaming red hair,” she exclaimed and then turned to sit down at the bench nearest them. Gan felt rooted in place. Felicity didn’t know who she was, who she really was, it wasn’t her fault. Yet even that thought did not stop the world from coming into acute focus. Again, a toddler wailed, screamed, and kicked with a toy clutched to his chest in the store across the way, his mother tried to reason with him. A woman laughed, high pitched and keening, the smell of something burnt, the blare of an anti-theft alarm sounding, her head began to throb, the sunlight streaming in from skylights blinded her. She would suffocate at this rate.
“Felicity? Felicity!” a male voice called, and it pulled Gan out of her rising panic long enough to see Cody and Logan begin to approach. This wasn’t helping things. So much had happened in the past week and she wasn’t ready to see Logan or process what had happened in the forest just yet. Especially not like this. She tried to slow her breathing, but it didn’t help, with each step the twins took, her heart raced faster. Not yet. Not now. I just need a minute. I’ll be fine. She tried to reason her way out of this, but it wasn’t working, and she knew it wouldn’t work.
“Hey, fancy meeting the two of you here,” Cody said with a grin, Felicity waved to him from where she sat, and Gan caught the concerned look she was giving her. Gan shook her head with a forced smile.
“Are you okay?” she asked as she sat her things down beside her and stood up. Cody stopped in the middle of his greeting and turned toward Gan, but it was Logan that met her eyes and that was it.
“I… I just,” Gan floundered for the words, her chest too tight to speak, and like the goddess she was Felicity took her bag and drink.
“I’ll meet you at the restrooms,” she said, and Gan nodded before she quickly walked away but the pace was too slow for her, and her panic forced her feet to run, and she fled into the crowd. With all the grace of a floundering fish she struggled through the crowd, slipped past people, and down the vast corridor packed with patrons. Someone cursed her when she stepped on their foot, another yelled after her, and the large sign denoting “Restrooms” seemed to move farther away from her. Breathe. Breathe. She thought and she tried to fill her constricted lungs, but she couldn’t stop running.
A hand was at her elbow. Warm. Strong. Reassuring.
“Here,” he said, and they ducked into a maintenance hall. The light was dimmer here, the bright light of the mall shadowed by the stores this small refuge hid between. This change alone was enough to allow her to feel as though she could breathe, if only a little. Still, her heart raced, and her stomach rolled, and she felt hot tears flood her eyes. She hated this. She hated how powerless and small she felt. It didn’t matter how logically she thought about what was happening she could not pull herself out of the mire she was in. “Gan?” his voice was warm on her ears, and she looked at him where he knelt before her. His eyes, green and vibrant, snared her and quieted the thrum of chatter beyond their haven. “Can I have your hand?” he asked, calm, collected and she nodded and slipped her trembling hand into his. He gave it a gentle squeeze. Then he inhaled slowly, his shoulders rose, he held the breath, then exhaled in three beats. Gan followed his lead.
“Lo-Logan it…” she started and loathed the weakness in her voice and hated that she could not find it in herself to finish her sentence. Her heart still raced and part of her wanted to bolt. She didn’t want to be in the mall anymore. She just wanted out. Hot tears tracked down her cheeks in frustration, marring her face with mascara.
“You don’t have to speak,” he said, and she swallowed, mouth dry and throat still burning from her run. “This won’t last,” and Gan knew he was right. It wouldn’t but that didn’t fix anything. It didn’t fix how badly she wanted to push him out of the way and kick down the emergency exit at the end of the hall. Repercussions be cursed.
Logan inhaled and exhaled. Gan did the same.
Gan placed her hand on his forearm. The point of contact grounded her a little more. It stilled the tremors and eased her stomach.
“How’s your head?” Logan asked and Gan nodded, heart still racing, but her head swam less, and her throat wasn’t as dry.
“Pounding,” she confessed and slowly he stood.
“Do you need something for it?” he asked.
“No, I can’t take anything else,” she admitted knowing that she couldn’t mix medications with what she’d already taken for it. “I’m sure it’ll get better once I’m out of here,” she confessed, and he nodded. “I feel so bad. I ruined our day out all over a silly flame charm,” she laughed cynically but Logan’s concerned look quieted her. She released his arm and placed her hand over her still racing heart. He ran his thumb over the knuckles of the hand he still held, and her pulse redoubled, but not from unwarranted panic.
“There you two are,” Felicity said as she rushed into the passage with them. Cody stood at the entrance, two Croc bags on his wrists and two pink drinks in his hands. “Gan, I’m so sorry I had no idea. How are you feeling?” she asked, and Logan stepped back, releasing her, as Felicity came to occupy the space he vacated. Gan found she missed the simple touch and it startled her to think that she missed it because it was Logan’s touch she missed. A blush painted her cheeks.
“I… I’m feeling much better now,” she assured her. “Felicity, I’m sorry-“
“No, there is nothing to apologize about,” she interrupted, and Gan blinked.
“But we had all these plans.”
“Gan, we can come back when you’re feeling better. I can take you home if you’d like, maybe you should rest,” Felicity suggested.
“What about finishing up our drinks and breaking in our Crocs at the park? It’s quiet there and it’s nice outside,” Gan suggested, and she felt the last of her panic attack melt away. Felicity beamed but then her face became serious.
“Are you certain?” she asked as she took up Gan’s hands in hers. Gan squeezed them gently.
“I’m certain,” Gan affirmed and glanced back at Cody who stood, almost obediently at the entrance of the hall. Logan lingered just beyond him. Gan ducked her head closer to Felicity and whispered, “Would you like Cody to join us as well?” Felicity’s face lit up and she nodded before her face became serious again, almost comically so.
“Only if you don’t mind,” she said.
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t,” Gan said with a smile. Felicity quickly wrapped her arms around the brilliant redhead in a firm hug.
“You’re amazing,” she whispered before she pulled back then searched through her purse for something. “Here, your eye makeup ran,” she said, as she produced a wipe and Gan allowed her to tidy the distinct black tear-tracks. “Now,” Felicity took Gan’s hand and turned to the two men. “Would you two want to go to the park with us? Gan and I would like to break in our new Crocs,” she announced.
“Sounds like a great idea,” Cody said, he smiled kindly at the two of them.
“Better than this musty mall,” Logan replied.
The two women walked past them, arm-in-arm, and back into the hum of the crowd. Gan glanced back at the two men as they all strolled toward the exit. Cody handed Logan a bag and drink but not before he touched the cold, wet, cup to the bare skin of his brother’s arm. Logan jerked away and grumbled. Cody laughed and Gan chuckled. Logan met her eyes, and she mouthed a “Thank you” to which he responded with a blush.