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Ayato never had a day in his life where he doesn’t remind himself of the responsibility he carries on his shoulder as head of the Kamisato Clan. Ever since this authority has been passed down to him, he rarely had the time to enjoy his stay on Kamisato Estate. It had always been preparing for his next venture, or signing never-ending paper works whenever he comes home. Even seeing his little sister, Ayaka, had been hard to fit on his schedule. There never really was a line between work and home.
And just like that, he doesn’t notice things changing around him, as if everything went by in a blur. The people he grew up with suddenly seemed like strangers in his eyes. The things he and his sister would usually bond over felt exhausting to even think about. It was sad how the familiarity and comfort of his home felt so distant, like another piece of nostalgic memory, almost nearing impossible to be relived.
It was not until now, with his pants rolled to his knees and feet out open in the sea, did he realize this. It has been a while since he paid attention to the thoughts running inside his mind. Ayato heaved a sigh as he stares at the glowing horizon before closing his eyes.
Memories filled his head. Suddenly, all he heard was the noise coming from two children playing in the sand. Then there was boisterous laughter — followed by screams of protests coming from a little girl.
He chuckled at the thought of Thoma and Ayaka, lively as ever. During this time, he had just come home from another intense day of training, his so-called preparation. As the eldest of the three, he was also the most reserved, the “role model”, the most pristine. It gets tiring, sure, but it was better for all eyes to be on him than his little sister Ayaka, because she was still so young to not be enjoying her life.
Even though there was an obvious difference between their personalities, he never felt out of place whenever he was with them. When his daily practices started, all he could think about was 4 PMs and coming home to both of them.
But as he began to grew up, Ayaka began to slowly vanish from this picture. All he could ever be excited about was seeing a certain blonde-haired guy with the prettiest green eyes he had ever seen.
When did he begin feeling this way? He wasn’t so sure. Maybe it had always been there, but back then it was barely noticeable. But as his practices became a little bit more rigorous and demanding, this certain fondness also started to become uncomfortable and unbearable. Until it grew larger, faster, at an uncontrollable rate. His longing to see Thoma and to be with Thoma kept increasing as the days pass by. Until one day, he was dawned upon the realization that — Ah. I think I am falling in love with him.
Falling in love… with a man he barely talks to? It almost sounds like the funniest joke he had ever thought about. But, also, at the same time… why wouldn’t he? When all the days he had spent looking at Thoma secretly was just him discovering more and more things about him that he finds the most admirable?
Even before then, he had always known how Thoma enjoys baking cakes for him and Ayaka.
But as he falls in love, he sees the way his eyes light up when the cake tasted the way he wanted to.
Even before then, he had always known how Thoma enjoys tending their garden outside.
But as he falls in love, he notices how he would touch their leaves really softly as he hums a different tune every time.
Even before then, he had always known Thoma as the person who would talk to him after an exhausting day.
But as he falls in love, he doesn’t want this small conversation about what he would like for dinner to end. He wants to hold him by his side, closer, tighter, and then never let go. And it’s okay for him if they don’t talk about anything. He just wants to be by his side. Even that is more than enough for him.
These details became clearer and more distinct every time Ayato looks at him. And each time, it was another reason to fall in deeper — all to find more of those little things. It was like dipping his feet in the raging ocean waves. What is beneath those, he doesn’t know. But his curiosity makes him want to drown himself even more.
Though if he were to describe Thoma, he is blazing fire. Everything he gives has some sort of unpredictability, in all its glory. It was exciting, so enticing, that Ayato would gladly live with the scars as his reminders, while he willingly burns himself into it.
He had already memorized the sound of the gentle waves of the sea that were gingerly touching his feet, so when he hears shuffling in the distance he already knows he has company and that he wouldn’t be alone for long.
At first he thought it was Ayaka, for she has always been the one to approach him after all his voyages. Then he recognized how the patterns were different, so maybe it was just a mere passerby. But as the sound of these footsteps approached him nearer and nearer, it wasn’t as foreign as he thought it was. He continued to close his eyes shut, experiencing both cowardice and anticipation for the person these footsteps belongs to.
His heart continued to hammer his chest —
“Ayato!” The man calls out his name.
— and just like that, he’s out of breath.
He opened his eyes, watching as the man sits next to him. Thoma smiled the prettiest smile he had ever seen. And Ayato, on the other hand, can’t help but to continue on falling.
“How have you been?”
“I’m fine,” he responded without even thinking about the words he wanted to say.
All he wanted to say right now is how much he missed Thoma, so badly, and how he wanted to confess every single thing he has been feeling whenever he’s near him. How his simple childhood crush became so suffocating and so uncontainable that he needed to get it out of his chest, just so he could breathe again. How seeing him makes him feel like he is the happiest yet most miserable man to live in this world. Because right now he is with the person he loves, but at the same time it is also his fault why Thoma still doesn’t know that he is feeling this way.
“Well, I’d like to think you aren’t because it’s been almost a year since we last had a conversation properly,” he sounded so devastated Ayato swears he could almost hear him pout. He was about to mutter an apology but Thoma started talking again.
“Every single time I approach you, you tell me you need to do something. Your journeys could go on for months, but every single time you come back we couldn’t even exchange our hello’s and welcome back’s properly. I could only see you when I bring you your dinner and even then you don’t even have time to pay me a single glance? Does this mean I am not worthy to be in your presence anymore, My Lord?”
What does this even…
“Obviously, that was a joke.” Thoma glanced at him and coughed, hiding the piece of paper in his hand on a patch of sand. “Ayaka told me to write what I wanted to say so I just read that.”
Typical Ayaka and Thoma, Ayato thinks, but what does he mean about that last sentence?
“You have always been worthy of my presence, my dear Thoma.” Ayato tells him truthfully, finally gaining some sort of coherence despite everything that has been running inside his mind. “I’m truly sorry, because it seems like my action may mean otherwise…”
“Oh, it’s fine, I’m just joking. I just missed you and wanted to lighten the mood, that’s all,” the blonde-haired guy playfully shrugged his apology and graced him with another breathtaking smile. “But I didn’t expect to find you here today, My Lord. Although I knew how much you enjoyed staying here back in our childhood days.”
Ayato hummed in response, staring at the sky as he once again closed his eyes. Just a few minutes ago he was rambling inside his mind about how dangerous Thoma could have been, and how willing he would be to jump in his flames. But he could confirm that the voyages he took really made him distant, like he’s indeed lost in the sea, forgetting about the real person who is sitting next to him.
Thoma wasn’t a searing, burning wildfire — instead, he was a gentle, dancing flame Ayato doesn’t mind being near to. The warmth Ayato was sure he could handle and could live on with, without suffering any sort of reminding scars or aching burns. And Ayato’s waves, although almost always raging, calms down whenever he’s near him.
When they’re with each other, Ayato likes to think they both feel a different kind of peace.
He became so lost in his thought again that doesn’t even notice the growing blush on Thoma’s face when the latter slowly intertwined his fingers in his own… so unexpectedly.
Thoma was his warmth.
“Will you let me be the unpredictable one now?” Ayato pleaded, holding Thoma’s hand back and putting it so desperately across his thumping chest. With how fast Ayato did all of that, Thoma was slightly taken aback. It also looks like he was about to say something, but to hell with it. All Ayato saw next was Thoma’s beautiful eyes as they widen the moment Ayato closed the distance between their lips.
He leans in wishing for more, helplessly, as he deepens their kiss. He receives his confirmation that Thoma was indeed warm when the latter cupped both of his cheeks with his hands, pulling him closer with the same amount of desperation. Then all of a sudden Thoma retreats back, taking all the magic with him. He started hitting Ayato playfully on the shoulder, a small pout present on his lips.
Ayato chuckled at his reaction, shaking his head in return. And afterwards, he went in for more.
Unlike raging fire, where everything could hurt him, he prefers to live with this forever.