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Five frowned, pushing the book behind him as he straightened on the couch. “Hi Vanya.”
Vanya squinted at him, walking into the room holding a children’s basketball hoop and two live bats. “What are you hiding, Five?”
Five squirmed. The book’s spine was digging into his back. He mentally calculated how quickly he would need to teleport to escape the situation. Unfortunately, Vanya was his best friend. Even more unfortunately, they could hear his heartbeat speed up.
Vanya set the basketball hoop down, keeping a firm hold on the two bats. They paused, head cocked to the side. “Have you read the new Dolores Jones book, Five?” He barely kept from gulping. “Uh, no. Why would you- was there something you needed, Vanya?”
Vanya shook their head. “No, I was hoping you’d be willing to read them with me, since the first movie is coming out soon. Persephone Allison will be playing Dolores Jones, and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.” They fanned themselves with the bats. “She’s so hot.”
Five relaxed slightly. “Okay. So, I might have read the books. He pulled the book from behind him, and Vanya gasped. “Is that an advanced copy of book three?”
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“But the casting is so perfect! I always pictured Dolores as looking like Persephone! The thing’s I’d let that woman do to me…” Vanya trailed off dreamily, and Five slouched on the couch.
Five pulled on his tie, which suddenly felt too tight. “I don’t know about that. I- I don’t really think about things like that.” He frowned, pulling on the tie again. “She’s gorgeous, obviously, but… sex. It seems so… messy, and uncomfortable.”
Vanya blinked at him.
“Wait, wait. Back up there for a second, Five. You think Persephone Allison is hot and gorgeous, but you don’t want her to- I don’t know. Put you on the wheel, or the rack, or tango or whatever?”
He shrugged, fiddling with the cuffs of his blazer, pulling up each sock, one at a time. “… No? Just- just how do you know that you’d enjoy any of that anyway? Luther and Diego tried to show me porn last week and I had to leave. Then I accidentally looked at Klaus’ phone and saw- well. I saw things I never needed to. I think I have PTSD.”
Vanya took his hand, still grasping the bats with the other. “I’ve talked about it with Allison and Wednesday a lot. Then there was Leonard, and I learned something from that. And then now there’s Sissy, and I’m learning even more from that. But I just- well.” They shrugged. “Have you ever—you’ve never even?” They made an obscene gesture.
Five groaned, his head falling into his hands. “No. I’ve never even wanted to. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?”
Vanya finally set the bats down and they flew up the ceiling, situating themselves in a dark corner upside down.
“I don’t think so. If some people like to tango, like Mother and Father, and some people like to do salsa, like Wednesday and Joel and Lydia, and other people like Klaus and Dave enjoy performance art or whatever, I guess it makes sense that there are people who don’t like to dance at all.”
“Its like pizza. When I smell the pizza, I don’t get hungry. I can appreciate the smell, and I might even enjoy the taste- for the sake of this analogy, let’s say I might- but I don’t get hungry. And I probably wouldn’t want it all the time, just because I smelled it or thought about it.”
Vanya looked confused. “… Is Persephone Allison the pizza? Or Dolores Jones?”
Five out his head in his hands again. “No. Van, sex is the pizza. And right now I don’t want a slice. I might never want a slice. But if I did, Dolores Jones might be the only person I’d have some with. But she’s a fictional character.”
Vanya nodded. “I get it. Like gender is a paczki. Some people are jelly, some people are cream, or chocolate. But I’m… I’m pretty sure I’m lemon, but that isn’t the right filling. And sometimes you don’t want people to bite you just to find out what your filling is.”
Five sighed, leaning into Vanya’s shoulder. “I know I just said I didn’t want pizza, but now I’m hungry.” Vanya snickered. “I’m hungry too. Should we invite the others?” Five shook his head, grabbing Vanya’s hand to help them off the couch. “No. My best friend is right here.” Vana blushed, and Five tactfully ignored it. “Besides, we need to talk about the first behind- the- scenes shots of Persephone Allison as Dolore Jones! I wish I looked that good in a leather outfit.”
Vanya shoved him with their shoulder. “I’m picturing you in what you’re wearing now, but all leather-- disturbing. Very disturbing.”
They laughed.
“But, I think you could pull off a leather jacket or something, if you wanted to. Maybe Klaus and Allison would take us shopping.”