Chapter Text
Dean swam slowly towards consciousness, not quite ready to open his eyes yet. Whatever that dream was he was having, he could still smell the salty ocean air and hear the waves crashing on the beach. He wanted to stay there, just for a little while longer. Maybe feel what it was like to walk in the sand without a worry in the world.
Something soft brushed past his face and finally he did open his eyes, thinking some sort of bug had found its way into the bunker. He swatted at it and caught a fistful of gauzy white fabric. He wrinkled his eyebrow in confusion as the room came in to focus; it was bright. Definitely not his bedroom. He blinked several times, certain he was still somehow in a dream. The fabric in his hand was a piece of linen from a canopy billowing softly around him. The sound of the crashing waves continued. The bed he was in was soft against his skin. He let go of the curtain and let it flutter away, breathing deep and staring at the ceiling. How strange that this all seemed so real. He was sure it couldn't be. Maybe a Djinn had put him here. That was always a possibility.
A movement to his right made him jump in surprise, and he glanced over, wondering who was here with him. When his eyes connected with deep, inquisitive blue, his stomach fluttered and his brain went fuzzy.
Cas?
Not possible. Cas couldn't be here. Cas was dead. But if this was a dream…? No, it couldn't be. Why would he be dreaming about waking up in bed with Cas? His heart pounded faster. His mouth felt dry. He was suddenly extremely aware of a thin white sheet being the only thing between him and his best friend. Without being able to think of a single intelligent thing to say, he inched backwards, unable to break eye contact with Cas, who looked just as confused. At least there was that. At least Cas was just as shocked - somehow that thought was soothing. And definitely ruled out the Djinn theory.
After continuing to creep backwards ever so slowly, willing himself to become completely invisible, Dean fell ungracefully onto a cold tile floor, flat on his back. He landed hard, and his connection with the tile was followed by a loud yelp. Then he just lay there, batting the obnoxious curtain away as it continued blowing gently in the warm, salty breeze.
"Dean?" Cas's concerned face appeared over the side of the bed, and in complete panic, Dean grabbed the sheet and pulled it around himself, sitting bolt upright and holding his hand to his throbbing head.
"Cas? What the Hell? What is this? Where are we?" Dean didn't know if Cas would have any answers, but he had to ask.
"I...think this is your dream, Dean. We're in your dream. You don't recognize this place?" Cas tilted his head to the side and squinted thoughtfully at him.
"No. Should I?" Dean looked defiantly back at Cas, even though he realized his defensiveness was ridiculous. But it covered up how vulnerable he was feeling right now. If this was his dream, that meant a deep dark piece of him had come loose and risen to the surface - a piece he had always kept hidden away because he was afraid to face it.
"You saw it on a postcard at a gas station once I believe. It's a beach in Cabo." Cas's face maintained that stoicism that Dean realized he had missed more than anything else, and his resolve started to crumble. He tried to keep the wall up, even for just a little longer while he tried to sort his feelings.
"How do you remember that?"
"I'm an angel, Dean. There's very little I don't remember."
"So what about all this?" Dean motioned pointlessly with his hand, looking nowhere in particular.
"I...don't think I know what you mean?" Cas continued to study him, and Dean finally met him eye to eye, trying hard to keep his breathing even and his heart from bursting out of his chest. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this nervous or disoriented, although he was sure whenever it was, it probably had something to do with Cas. No one else could make him feel quite so frazzled.
"This...us? Like this? Why would I be dreaming about this?" His ears started ringing and he wondered if Cas could read him. He hoped not. His face felt hot.
"Your dreams are a place to face your fears and explore your desires. Which do you think this is?" Cas asked it so matter-of-factly that it made Dean stop and think. Fears and desires. He thought maybe this was both. The heat in his face crept to his ears as he let that sink in.
"You...don't have to answer that." The disappointment in Cas's voice was evident as he disappeared back into the bed. "I'm glad to see you, at any rate. Happy Valentine's Day." His voice echoed back down to where Dean was still sitting on the floor. He heard the bed squeak, followed by footsteps padding along the cool floor. Soon Cas came into view, a duvet wrapped around his hips, trailing behind him like a bridal train as he wandered across the room towards a small kitchenette. He looked ridiculous, but also...adorable? Perfect? And it was Valentine's Day? This just got cheesier and weirder by the minute, but for the first time in recent history, Dean allowed himself to put his guard down just a little.
He glanced around to take in more of his surroundings and saw that they were in a small studio overlooking the sea. His eyes widened as he took in the vastness of the blue water, the waves pounding with so much power along the rocky shore. He didn't think he'd ever seen anything so beautiful and all he could do was sit and stare, enchanted by all of it. The realness of everything overwhelmed him; he'd never had a dream quite this vivid before. The water and the air. This place. Cas. Cas. Dean's eyes wandered back to the angel as the smell of coffee suddenly mingled with the salty air. How long had it been since he'd seen that dark hair? Those blue eyes? Heard that deep, melancholy voice? Over a year. That's how long. Too long.
A moment later Cas was bringing coffee towards him with a small smile on his face, and handed him a cup.
"Do you want to sit on the balcony, Dean? Or do you prefer to spend the rest of the morning hiding on the floor?" There was humor in Cas's face suddenly - that rare humor that Dean had come to love over time, and missed desperately. He cleared his throat and clutched the sheet in one hand and coffee in the other so he could stand. On the way to the balcony, he surveyed the room for clothes, but didn't see any.
"Is this...really my dream, Cas?" He asked it again, as though maybe the answer would be different this time.
"So it seems. Although, if it matters...I'm actually here."
"How?" Dean's eyes widened with curiosity.
"I'm not sure, actually." Cas frowned as he glanced out over the sand and took a sip of coffee.
"But you died, Cas. You died a year ago. You're in the Empty." It came out as a small whisper and Dean's eyes stung. He recalled the nightmares he'd had over the past year about Cas. Replaying that moment over and over when the Empty took him. It had only been recently that the nightmares stopped.
"I'm not in the Empty anymore." Cas paused and looked as though he was still experiencing this revelation himself. Like this was a new thing. "I'm back in heaven. With Jack." His face lit up when he said it, and he grabbed Dean's arm excitedly. "I'm home, Dean. Jack got me home." There were tears pooling in his blue eyes - blue that made the ocean water crashing behind him seem dull.
"Then you can come home to us, too?" Dean's voice waivered when he asked. He was full to the brim with hope. And maybe something else. Something a whole lot bigger. Something he'd hidden away the day Cas disappeared, thinking it didn't matter anymore.
Cas was thoughtful for a moment, staring back out at the water as he contemplated the question. Dean put his coffee down and placed his free hand on Cas's.
"Cas? Can you come home?"
That face. The one that had been so excited a moment before, was solemn now, and Dean felt his stomach fall as he watched Cas shake his head. "I...can't. I'm sorry. I don't want to disappoint you. But it's not my choice." He glanced over, catching Dean's eyes and searching them deeply. Dean was hyper aware of how right Cas's hand felt under his, and he tightened his grip as he tried to keep his emotions from bubbling up and turning into anger. Cas had to do what was required, without having to worry about Dean's feelings. It would be selfish of Dean to plead for what he wanted. He went from hopeful to feeling as though he'd been ripped in half in a matter of seconds.
"So...did you visit me here, in my dream, to say goodbye again? Because even if this is better circumstances, it doesn't hurt any less." Dean held Cas's gaze, warring with the words he couldn't say last time. "I don't know if I can handle another goodbye. I...need you. I've always needed you. And you left. Just like everyone else I've always cared about. You left me alone." It sounded bitter, but he couldn't help it.
"I don't think this is goodbye, Dean. I think this might be the beginning of something new, actually. If you want it to be."
"What do you mean?" Hope bubbled up again, hovering around Dean's pounding heart.
"I think I can visit you in dreams. It's a gift to us from Jack."
"So I can go to sleep and...I can always find you?" Dean softened at the thought that Jack would do this, and was amused that he chose Valentine's Day to bring Cas back for the first time. God had a sense of humor, it seemed.
"I don't know. I don't have an answer. But...I think you can see me again. If you like." It was Cas's turn to look hopeful. "But it's time for you to wake up now. Sam's looking for you." Cas looked as though he were listening to something that Dean couldn't hear.
"What if I don't want to go yet?"
Cas didn't answer - he seemed to be somewhere far away already.
"Cas? Can you hear me? It's both, alright? This dream. It's fear, but it's desire, too. It's both. I -" Dean pulled Cas in by the hand he was still holding. He pulled him close, and for a second their eyes met - Cas's were suddenly wide and questioning. And then Dean leaned in, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to Cas's lips. When he pulled away, he thought he saw the angel smile, just a little, before he was gone.
Then Dean was ripped unceremoniously out of sleep - no white gauzy curtain brushing his face this time…no ocean waves. No Cas. Instead, a strong hand was shaking him.
"Dean! DEAN! Wake up. Are you ok? Hey. Wake up, buddy. It's me. It's Sam. I got you, you're OK."
Dean opened his eyes and raised his head, wiping drool from his face and peeling a piece of paper from his wet cheek. He was in the library of the bunker, and Sam was looking at him with concern.
"Oh, thank God," Sam said. "It's been a while since you had a nightmare about Cas. I hoped we were finally past that."
"It...wasn't a nightmare, Sam."
"Oh?" Sam raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You were having a good Cas dream?"
"Shut up, Sam." He rubbed the back of his neck and tried to keep from turning red.
"Whatever, Dean. Seems timely, since it's Valentine's Day today." All the concern was gone from Sam's face now that he knew Dean wasn't having a nightmare, and Dean swiped at him playfully, connecting only with air as Sam jumped out of the way. "I'm gonna make you some heart shaped eggs. How's that?" Sam winked at him and Dean made a face.
"I want heart shaped foam on my coffee, too!" Dean yelled after his brother's receding form. He glanced down at the soggy paper that he'd peeled off of his face and saw that it was notes he'd written about possible ways of getting Cas back. How many lists had he made like this over the past fifteen months after half a bottle of whiskey? He wondered how long Jack had been trying to get Cas out of the Empty, too, and how he had finally done it.
He looked down at Miracle, who had just arrived and placed his head on Dean's knee. He patted the dog's shaggy head absently and stared off into space for a moment before returning his attention to the sweet puppy dog eyes looking back at him. "What do you think Miracle, huh?" He leaned down to bury his face in Miracle's soft fur as he contemplated what to do next. He needed more time to think before he mentioned Cas to Sam - it all still seemed too surreal. He bit his lip as he stood up and moved in the direction of the kitchen, remembering that kiss. It was like a promise he decided - a promise that he would love Cas the way he knew Cas loved him, if he was given a second chance.
I love Cas. Admitting it confidently to himself for the first time made him feel...excited? Happy? Whatever the feeling was, it made him warm and content.
"I haven't seen a smile like that for...well...I couldn't even tell you." Sam stared at him with interest when he entered the kitchen. Dean hadn't even realized he was smiling, and tried to fix his face, but it was stuck. He ate the tacky heart shaped eggs with enthusiasm, followed by the latte Sam made. God, he hated that fancy espresso machine Sam had purchased most of the time, but today, for some reason, he loved it as he sipped the equally tacky heart shape out of the milk foam.
After breakfast he found himself wandering to his room. He wasn't sure what compelled him to go there, but he felt the need to be alone with his thoughts. "Quiet reflection" wasn't in his nature, but today he thought he would try it out. His whole body hummed with something like anticipation when he opened the door, and his heart nearly leapt from his chest when he saw a piece of paper on his pillow. He sped over to it, and his breath caught in his throat. It was a postcard. The one with the beach from his dream. "Lover's Beach" it was called. And suddenly he did remember the time he had seen it at a gas station somewhere, and maybe he had even thought of Cas when he had seen it all those years ago. That part he didn't remember so clearly, though. He stood with the postcard in his hand, the sound of the ocean roaring in his mind, and suddenly a tiny glowing ember of love that he had buried deep in his heart for Cas ignited into a small, delicate flame, fed by hope. And this time he wouldn't smother it. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He would embrace fear and desire and vulnerability with open arms if it meant he could have Cas back.
He felt something soft on the back of the postcard, and flipped it over to find a raven black feather taped there. And next to it there was a message:
You know that place between sleeping and awake, the place you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll be waiting." -Castiel
"Son of a bitch," he muttered. The message made him chuckle - the quote was something Tinkerbell had said to Peter Pan at the end of "Hook" and it made him think about all the times he and Cas had used quotes from movies to communicate when Cas was still on Earth. Never anything romantic though - this was a first. He decided to write back, seeing as Cas had left out a pretty important line from his message, which Dean assumed he had done on purpose as a test. He searched around for a pen and found one in his bedside table. He hesitated for just a moment, licking his lips and trying to breathe normally before putting an arrow right after "dreaming?" in the note and filling in the missing line:
That's where I'll always love you.
Now it just looked like he was correcting a mistake, even if it was more than that. He was sure it would make Cas smile when he saw it, regardless. Sharing his feelings was still something Dean needed to work on, obviously. But this was a good place to start.
He smiled and put the postcard back on his pillow, feeling confident that he would be reunited with Cas again soon. And when he was, he would say "I love you" for real.