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From the living room of the Dreemurr house came Susie's voice roaring above and drowning the music from the TV.
"Hurry up with that treat, Kris! The movie's about to start," she said hurriedly.
But Kris paid it no mind. Their gaze, their whole focus, was fixed on the timer. They followed the needle move clockwise until it reached the five, four, three, two…
RIIIN-clunk!
Kris slammed the timer shut with one hand and turned the oven off with the other. Perfect timing. With their hands safely tucked inside crimson mittens, they opened the oven. The sugary smell of fresh-baked cookies flooded the kitchen. They pulled the trail off and emptied its content on a wide plate, decorated with goat motives. They took the gloves off and picked the plate.
Susie was slouched over the couch, watching the TV, but her gaze fell over Kris as they stepped into the living room.
Kris put on a show to her one-person audience: they spun, then jumped and twirled into the air, landing on its tiptoes, without dropping a single cookie. See? Those ballet classes at eight didn't go to waste.
"Wow, that was…" Susie began and then rolled her eyes. "I mean, it was OK. Kudos to you and whatever."
Kris pretended not to notice how her ears were a slightly pinker shade of purple.
They put the plate on the coffee table. It was a Hell of a snack; toasty gingerbread cookies, shaped in the form of dough monsters, stacked together to make a mountain of flavor. There were enough to feed an army of hyperactive children. Toriel will snap at Kris for using the entire house's flour supply. But any future nagging was worth it if it meant Susie's eyes widening at the sugar-rush-causing sight.
"Hell yeah! Gingerbread cookies. Love them," she roared happily.
"Gingerbread and cinnamon," Kris clarified, in a flat tone. "Family recipe."
Susie licked her lips, reaching for the plate. Kris slapped her hand.
"Too much butter," Kris said, cutting Susie's protest. "We need to wait for them to cool off."
Susie closed her maw, hiding her sharp teeth. "Whatever. Sit down, the credits are rolling."
Kris took a seat in the one-third of the couch that wasn't taken by Susie's monsterness. And just in time; the movie title rolled in.
'Kitten Killers II: Meowing with Vengeance!' was a cult classic. A remake of the first one was announced last week, showing off that those geniuses at Monsterwood can't come up with an original idea even if it were their job. Susie took it personally. 'How can they remake the first movie, when the sequel has everything the first one had AND MORE!' She'd said, followed by the proclamation that they should watch the sequel, which will somehow and without doubt show those idiots at Monsterwood what good cinematography is.
As soon as it began, Susie became enthralled by the film she'd seen a dozen times. Five minutes into the movie, however, she heard a sound that chilled her very soul.
Crunch.
She whipped her neck at Kris and- oh that little bitch. The bottom half of a cookie was poking from their mouth.
"Kris, you lil' shit! You lied to me! Gimme some," Susie said and reached for the plate.
But Kris was smaller and faster, like a cookie-stealing mouse. They snatched the cookie out of Susie's hand. Then the bastard had the gall to pick a handful of cookies and shove them inside their mouth. They flashed a sugary smile at Susie. She smiled in turn.
"Heh… You want to start something here, punk?" She sneered. Her smile was pure teeth. "You think you're a big eater or something? Think you have a big mouth?"
She locked gazes with Kris and opened her maw. Kris stopped munching. How many teeth do Dragon Monsters have? Kris saw forty and stopped counting.
Without breaking eye contact, Susie made a blind reach for the plate. She got a handful of cookies —which was nearly double the quantity than Kris' handful— and shoved them inside her mouth. The gap closed unceremoniously and she merrily munched, not bothering to hide her moan of pleasure.
"Good flavor, dude," she said and smirked.
Kris smiled too, for they'd been bested by the very best. They gave a small clap, and Susie laughed. Then she coughed. Then she coughed again, louder. Then she began to choke on 10 pounds of cookies. Kris laughed at her before they, too, began to choke like an idiot.
Human and monster ran to the kitchen and ransacked the fridge for milk. There was only one gallon so they had to share it.
'Share' in this case meant 'battle for it like two otters fighting for a beach ball'. Kris was faster and got the first chug, but Susie snatched the gallon and emptied half of its content inside her maw. After that, they shared it. 'Share' in this case meant 'sharing for real'. They took turns sipping from the gallon until Susie drank the last few drops.
They fell to the ground, coughing occasionally to stir their burning lungs into proper function.
"Good cookies." Susie breathed with a raspy voice.
"Family recipe," Kris answered, equally tired.
From the living room came the hiss of a cat and the shriek of a terrified woman.
"Goddamit, we missed the first kill," Susie lamented, then sprung up, dragging Kris by their sweater. "Hurry up, or we'll miss the twins' murder at the lake!" She paused. "Do we have more milk?"
Kris peeped inside the fridge. "There's some flavorless soda left."
"Flavorless soda," Susie repeated, in disbelief. She lifted her gaze above, not exactly praying, but almost. "Kris, your family is so religious."
Kris didn't deny it. They returned to the couch and quickly fell into a rhythm. Watching the movie, quietly admiring the killing scenes, and filling the void of plot-based scenes with chatting about their other favorite slasher films. Occasionally they would eat more cookies —in reasonable quantities— and chug them down with flavorless soda.
They were living the good life (except for the soda, which sucked ass).
Halfway into the movie, they'd watched five killings, one dismemberment, and one scene of a sentient tree trying to get frisky with a college student. They also had devoured most of the cookies. Susie suited herself to the three remaining ones.
She laughed childishly. "Man, I don't know if it's your awesome cooking or this epic movie, but I'm still flipping about the monster-shaped cookies. Take a look at this. Eyeball Monster cookie, Bird Monster cookie… heh, kinda looks like Berdly." Susie ripped the bird cookie head in half and swallowed it. "Hey, there's one that looks like me! Check it out."
Susie put her hand two inches away from Kris' face. The Lizard Monster cookie was not a dragon by any chance, but there was a certain 'Susieness' to it.
Kris quipped. "Must be rotten. Don't eat it."
Susie gave Kris a meek kick. "Shut your trap! I taste delicious." Kris tilted their head at Susie and smiled. Susie blushed. "I-I mean… shut up! Next time, I want only Dragon cookies. No other monster cookies. And no human cookies either."
"I didn't make human cookies."
Susie made a mental backtrack. They'd eaten the cookies in a flash, and they were watching the movie too, so she didn't think about it until now…
But it was true. She didn't see a single gingerbread human. She watched intently at Kris, waiting, hoping, for them to elaborate. As usual, Kris was a tomb. It wasn't a big deal, it was only cookies. And anyway, Kris was free to not talk about baggage. They hardly talk at all about regular things, let alone the heavy stuff. And it was just cookies.
Still, it was weird they didn't say anything about it.
"Yeah, you're right. Monster shapes are way better," Susie said, not really sure where she was going. "I just have never tried them before."
Kris didn't lift their gaze from the stupefying box.
"Because… You know, I grew up in a human city."
Kris' neck snapped at her so fast their bangs danced, showing Susie two surprised red eyes. Gotcha!
Seeing what their reaction had been —and Susie's shit-eating grin at it—, Kris tried to play it cool.
"I knew you were a human lover, but I didn't have you pegged for a city slicker," they said, lacking their usual flatness of tone.
"You wish I was a human lover, you freak," Susie said, and when she caught what she'd said, she blushed.
She's been doing that a lot today.
"So yeah… human city." Susie scratched the side of her chin. "My mom worked at a glass manufacturer or something. Good job, since she's strong and fire-resistant. She hated it, tho', and the city too. I… don't remember much of it, to be honest. Only that the human kids were assholes."
There was a pause. The movie kept playing. It was at the part where the Killer Kittens assault a pair of human campers and tear their faces off.
Kris pointed at the screen, and when this didn't magically get the point across, they said, "Did you ever do that?"
"No, you idiot and the kittens didn't either. Since it's, you know, a movie? Its special effects. Way ahead of its time." Susie felt the need to rant about the quality of the handiwork put into the ripping of the faces, but she refrained from doing so. "But I once nearly ate a kid's face," she added.
"Too ugly?" Kris said.
"Kinda… But it was because the little rat stomped on my ta-"
Susie bit her tongue. Much like Kris, she wasn't a fan about 'talking stuff off'. But hey, when you gotta, you gotta! She didn't feel she had to, but Kris…
In any case, it couldn't hurt, right? Kris was a friend. Even if now they were giving Susie the inquisitive Social Services glare Susie had seen a thousand times.
"My tail, alright? BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT!" Susie shouted. Kris said nothing but gave a slight head tilt.
It meant 'proceed', so Susie did.
"M-my mom always told me to hide it. She said the men at the plant gave her shit for it, and she didn't want me to go through the same stuff. She was right, too. The little twerps at kindergarten always make fun of me for it. Or because I was too tall or too scaly or… But mostly, it was the tail.
"And there was this kid —can't remember his name for the life of me— who caught it. He stomped on it. Hard. I think he jumped on it from a chair, 'cause one moment I was munching on my chalk, and next thing I knew something swoops down on me. I shouted so loud I ripped my throat. The little twerp laughed his ass off. He thought he was so funny. But I was fucking hilarious." Susie roared, flashing her teeth. "I opened my mouth and went for the bite. Not for the face, just the shoulder. Didn't want to kill him. I just wanted to see his face twirl with fear. Make him piss his pants, cry like a baby in front of everyone! Maybe then he'll know what it's like to be stared at all the time!"
Susie gave a kick that connected with the coffee table, throwing the glass vase on it to the floor. Susie held her breath and waited for the crash. Again, Kris was too fast; they caught the vase just one inch from the ground. Quietly, they put it back into place. They didn't even mention it, but Susie mumbled an apology.
Kris made a hand motion for her to continue. Susie brought her knees to her chest, making herself small on her couch corner. After a brief pause, she spoke back.
"Anyway, I missed the shoulder. But I got a good chomp at his hand. The kid cried like I had torn his whole arm apart. It was… not funny." Susie went quiet for a while. "And guess who his mother was?"
"PTA Head?" Kris ventured.
Susie tipped her snout. "Yep. Got me expelled alright," she said. "After that, mom decided big cities were for rats and humans —no offense— and we moved here. But it took her a while to find a job here so we could completely move in. And because of that 'incident', I couldn't set foot in the school. Long story short, I lost a whole year. So now I'm the oldest kid in our class."
"Grandma Susie," said Kris with a laugh.
And kept laughing even as Susie pulled them into a headlock.
"You're buying all the tickets for the ass-kicking train, punk!" she said with no bite. After a while, she let Kris go, but they didn't return to their little corner of the couch, no. They scooted closer to Susie, resting their head on the couch head, which is where Susie's arm was. Susie, in turn, made room for Kris to lean against her side.
They watched the movie in peace, gasping as the Killer Kittens stalked an elderly couple in the park. When they went for the kill, Kris spoke.
"I once sent my brother to the hospital."
Susie gave a dissimulated fist-pump with her free hand. Then she acted bored and aloof. "Wow. Don't give me any more context or anything. Just drop the big bombs and walk away from ground zero."
Kris stifled a laugh before telling their tale; slowly at first, but they quickly gained momentum.
"When I was a kid, everyone picked on me. The adults looked down on me for being human. Or maybe it was because I'm… you know," they said and Susie nodded. There was a lot of info in that 'you know'. "And because the adults didn't like me, the kids didn't either. Monster Kid stole my crayons once."
Susie grumbled and made a mental note to give MK a ride in the Morning Monday Asskicking Train.
"The older kids were the worst," said Kris, skipping from one sentence to another like a frog jumping from pond to pond. "Pushing me, yelling at me, stuffing me into someone's locker. Mom was a teacher even back then. They knew she was my mom. Hated me the most for it. One of them, a werewolf named Boris and his brothers, they would wait for me outside school to pick fights with me-"
Susie cut in. "Brothers? How many-"
"Four to one," Kris answered. "I came home one day, all beaten up, with my clothes torn apart. But my brother took the worst part." Kris shook their head. "Why did they attack him? Why? Everybody loved Asriel. But when he jumped to defend me that day, Boris and his brother ganged up on him. They got him well, and he had to be taken to the hospital. Mom and Dad argued over that."
"But that wasn't your fault!" Susie shouted, again cutting in.
"I'm not done," Kris said, in their usual monotone. "That night, I came home with Dad, while Mom stayed at the hospital with Asriel. When Dad went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and stole a knife."
A loud scream assaulted the living room. The Killer Kittens were closing in on the protagonist's girlfriend, ready to tear her guts out. Outside the TV, Susie watched her friend clench their teeth, words coming out as a hiss, as they told the story.
"The next day, I begged my Dad to take me to the park. Then I begged him for ice cream so he would leave me alone. He shouldn't have, not after what happened. But he's just like that." Kris flashed a brief smile. "That's when Boris and his brothers showed up. They ganged on me, a circle, cutting my way out. But I was ready."
Kris brought their hand into their hip and pulled up. The knife shined into the light. Kris jumped over the couch as they said:
"'I am a terrible Human! A hunter! I'll shred your wolf skins and sell them as pelts!'"
Kris was striking a terrible pose; hair rustled like a beast ready to attack, showing off their bright red eyes of Doom. The knife was firmly held above Susie's head. Susie leaned further into the couch, away from the sharp edge. She wasn't scared. Knives just made her anxious, as they do to every reasonable person —except Kris.
Susie gulped. "And… What happened next?"
Like the flick of a switch, Kris' smile banished and they turned stoic.
"They kicked my ass," they said. "They were four monsters twice my age. Boris whipped the knife out of my hand with his tail. Then they ganged on me and beat me out so hard I felt it in my DNA."
Susie covered her mouth. This was a serious discussion, and her friend was opening up. She wasn't going to laugh now.
But Kris didn't feel the same way as they quipped. "Then Mom came in and she kicked their asses. Literally. She kicked them in their wolf asses."
Susie covered her snout with both hands.
"And then she took my sorry ass to the hospital. Guess where they put me?"
Susie didn't even want to speak.
"Asriel's room."
Fat tears rolled down Susie's eyes. Any moment now…
"At least we got a discount for recurring customers."
They couldn't finish the phrase before Susie burst into hysterical laughter, slapping the couch and opening her mouth so wide, Kris could see her uvula dance and jingle.
"Oh, man… Oh, man… Kris. Kris, you're killing me," said Susie between hiccups. "Of course they would kick your ass. Oh, dude… poor little baby Kris."
"I'm just a little creacher. Nobody gets me," said Kris, with a smirk.
Susie's laughter became a roar, which was suddenly cut by a loud burp, exhaling from her mouth. Kris could've sworn they saw a hint of flame. But again, that could've been the spice, not Susie's dragon powers manifesting.
"Uff, sorry 'bout that." Susie rubbed circles over her belly. Several smaller, quieter burps came up. They did the opposite of good; her stomach felt full of lead and cardboard.
She knows because she'd eaten both of those things before. And even then, she didn't feel this full.
Susie whined. "Daaamn Kris. Those cookies are fighting the battle royale in my belly." She burped again. And again, it hurt more than the last one.
Kris held their stomach. They felt it too, the increasing heaviness in their gut. It wasn't as bad as Susie's stomach ache, since Kris hadn't eaten their whole weight in gingerbread, but still...
Susie whined again, leaning heavily into the couch, head dangling over the side.
"Goddamit Kris. What was in those cookies?" Susie moaned.
"Butter," said Kris, painfully. "Tons of it. I used the house month supply." They poked their belly, which was starting to feel like a giant steel basketball ball. "We shouldn't have eaten them while they were still hot."
"Then why the Hell did you eat them?" Susie punched their arm, but in her current state, it hurt less than a kitten lick.
"Because I've got no self-control?" said Kris, matter-of-factly.
Susie lifted her fist but dropped it, pathetically. "Uff… remind me to... to kill you later or something."
"Noted."
With a final burp, Susie gave up on feeling better. "You know what? The Killer Kittens can suck it. The remake is gonna suck ass anyway, we don't need to watch this one. And if Berdly gives us shit for not answering his horror movie trivia, I'll invite him to visit the girls' bathroom toilet."
"Toilet trip. Not good for the soul," Kris joked, drily. Susie gave a small bark that could pass as a laugh.
"Let's nap in my room," Kris commanded.
The duo made a pathetic struggle to get up, proving once and for all what an amazing feat was the power to stand upright, and how easy it was to fail at it. They got up from the couch, stood up for two seconds, shared a look, and then dropped onto the couch like lead dropping from a space station at terminal velocity.
"Let's nap on the couch," Kris commanded, again.
They turned the TV off. Then slowly, painfully, making use of all of their force of will —and occasional breathing rests— they rearranged themselves on the couch. Susie laying down, occupying the whole sofa, with Kris on top of her. It's how they usually napped. They had to do some changes, however, so Kris' weight was laying on Susie's side and not her aching belly.
Finally, after much maneuvering and sweating, Kris rested their head on Susie's chest.
It was easy to fall asleep over Susie; the girl had rough skin and muscles all over, but there was a certain softness to her. She was Kris' favorite spot. When they were about to drift off, Susie spoke.
"Hey, Kris."
"Can't talk. Sleep time."
"Seriously, dude," Susie insisted. "I've been meaning to say, it was alright what you did. Pulling the knife on Boris and his bros."
Kris mumbled a response. "I didn't mean to hurt them," they said meekly, shyly. "Just scare them off their socks. Made them feel how I feel. It worked, too. They thought I was insane and didn't want to risk pushing my buttons anymore. I don't think they bullied anyone ever again."
"I getcha. I don't think you should've killed them either. But some people need a wake-up call. A tug on their arm. Some fools will keep pushing others until they're shoved back. And you shouldn't let anyone push you around."
"Does that include you?" Kris said and immediately regretted it.
Sharp claws dug in Kris' side, causing harm, but not ripping the skin, or even the clothes fabric.
"Maybe," she said. "Maybe I needed a wake-up call, too. Thanks for not giving up on me." Susie retreated her claws, rubbing Kris' side with her palm instead. "And hey, stop blaming yourself for stupid stuff that wasn't your fault! You didn't send your brother to the hospital. Nor made your parents divorce, by the way."
"I disagree," Kris simply answered.
"What did I just say? You want me to tickle you into submission?"
Kris flinched and laughed. They used all their strength to stop Susie's assault on their body —and it wasn't enough.
"Giveupgiveupgiveup, I won't blame myself again!"
"Good," said Susie and rested her hands on Kris' chest.
There wasn't much left to say. Not anything significant. Kris grabbed Susie's hand and squeezed it. Susie picked a stray hair away from Kris' face. They both eased their breaths so they were synchronized. It's what they do, how they showed their feelings. How they said thanks for being…
Well, for being. For existing here, and now, with me.
They slept until late in the afternoon. Then woke up and took turns throwing up in the bathroom.
Kris never made cookies again. They had, however, a Lemon Pie recipe they were dying to try. Butter free this time.