Chapter Text
Mina looked over at Nayeon from the kitchen, eyes searching for something , anything to clue her in on what the older girl was feeling. It had been four years together, she should know her better than anyone, but Mina couldn’t figure out what she was picking up from the shifting in Nayeon’s eyes.
“I just want you to try and spend more time with me, show me you care, you know?” Mina said softly. Nayeon shifted slightly in her chair, eyes looking down.
“What if... I don’t feel the same way anymore?” Nayeon finally looked up, locking eyes with the younger girl whose eyes were suddenly brimming with tears.
A million thoughts ran through Mina’s mind as the tears began to fall.
It always ends like this.
Why am I never enough for anyone?
How long has she felt this way?
How did I not see it coming?
Can things change?
Do I want to try and fix things?
Sensing the avalanche of thoughts entering the room, Nayeon reached out and took Mina’s hand in hers, like they’d done so many times before. The familiarity and warmth hit Mina in the heart, although quick as lightning, the words Nayeon just uttered re-entered and echoed in her mind.
“I’ve been pulling away for a while now to see if I could figure it out, but seeing how bad it’s hurting you, I think it might be time to call it. I do still care so deeply for you, I really do. I love this life we’ve built together but I think I want more.” Mina started shaking after hearing these words from Nayeon.
“What is ‘more’ to you? Why am I not enough?” Mina sobbed. Nayeon looked at her, showing emotion for the first time in this conversation, eyes softening as she looked at Mina.
“You have always been more than enough. Do not ever believe otherwise, you have done nothing wrong,” she firmly stated. She wrapped her arm around the other girl and continued.
“When I think about my life, I don’t really know where I’m going. My career feels like it’s really taking off this time, and there’s so much opportunity. I think about my life with you and it feels safe, it feels like home.” Nayeon smiled a little thinking about it. Mina can’t understand where this is going, but hums in agreement.
“The thing is, I also think about all the people I have yet to love. I think about all the things that I want to do, and selfishly I think about how I have to consider your feelings before I do any of it.”
Mina frowned after hearing this. “You offer stability and I’m grateful, but maybe I don’t want that? I want passion, romance, maybe even some insecurity. With all the opportunities out there, I think I want my life to look less traditional, too.”
“We are literally two women dating each other, please tell me how much more untraditional you want it to get,” Mina scoffed, eyes glaring at Nayeon, daring her to respond in a way that shattered her heart even further. Nayeon looked down again.
She had always known Nayeon to be a free spirit, sharing her love and affection with everyone. That’s why seeing her like this, almost ashamed and lost, was so surprising to her. Anyone who knew her knew she was a confident social butterfly, making friends everywhere they went, proudly introducing Mina to anyone and everyone. Nayeon had a warmth that brought you in, made you a cup of tea, and asked how you were really feeling. Always genuine, never shying away from any darkness.
Sometimes these other relationships made Mina jealous. Jealous of the time she was spending, jealous of the intimacy others got to feel with Nayeon, jealous of the way Nayeon talked about everyone else except for her. Nayeon’s voice snapped her back to reality.
“I also wanted to say... you remember my friend Jeongyeon? The one from college? Well, I kind of have a crush on her. I never cheated on you though! And I know you’ve kind of had an inkling for a while so I just wanted to let you know you’re not crazy. Your intuition is stupid good and I don’t want you to doubt yourself more than you already do.”
Mina pulled her hand back and looked at Nayeon with a combination of shock and anger. Her heart plummeted into her stomach as she processed what was happening. It was as if someone had poured hand sanitizer into a stab wound Mina had just found. The girl she had loved for four years, who she had been trying to work things out with for so long, had just dropped three major bombs on her.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t see a future with you.
I want to be with someone else.
Mina looked at Nayeon for what felt like hours. She had so much she wanted to say. She wanted to scream at her, make her hurt the way she was hurting, and then walk away unaffected. Mina knew she could never do that to her. Not to someone she had spent this long cultivating a relationship with. Not to someone she loved. But Nayeon had split her soul into two moments ago, tearing the fibers of her heart at the seams, rendering it useless. The pain was rippling through her body, exiting in waves through her eyes and sobs through her mouth. Unfortunately for her, the person who would be able to help her the most was also the person who inflicted this hurt.
Why do I just want her to hold me and tell me everything will be ok? It won’t, and she’s the reason why.
“I don’t regret anything that happened between us. We really had something great, right? Perhaps we’ve outgrown each other. It’s clear I can’t give you what you need, and it’s pretty clear you can’t give me what I need. Can we still be friends though?” Nayeon casually asked, ignoring the tears falling from Mina’s face.
Mina felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her head was spinning and she was reeling from the idea of trying to be friends when all of this had just happened. She hadn’t even really processed the breakup, it had maybe been an hour of back and forth. Her ears started ringing, and she tried to focus her eyes and her mind on what Nayeon was saying.
Her lips. Her fucking lips.
Mina thought back to their first kiss.
----------Flashback----------
“So, this is what, our third date? This has been really fun even if you aren’t my normal type.” Nayeon smirked as she left Mina’s house. It was one of those warm summer nights where with the right person, you wouldn’t mind walking around and talking about nothing. The air smelled of cut grass and anticipation.
“Yeah, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you too even though you won’t shut up. And what’s your normal type, someone equally as loud?” Mina giggled. Nayeon feigned pain as they walked down the middle of the street.
The date had been simple, dinner and light conversation. They were in college so spaghetti was the meal of choice, especially with Mina’s cooking skills starting on the ground floor. Besides the occasional interruption from Mina’s roommates, there really hadn’t been many breaks in the conversation. It felt like they had been reunited after years of distance, space they had been fighting desperately to close.
“Come on, I know you liked it. You couldn’t stop laughing all night!” Nayeon snickered, elbowing Mina in the ribs. Mina tried to roll her eyes in annoyance but couldn’t keep a straight face. As they stumbled down the road, high off the energy they’d been getting from each other, Nayeon’s car came into view and they stopped under a dim street lamp.
“I guess I do like being around you...” Mina started, staring at Nayeon as she moved to unlock her car. Nayeon grinned, pausing and looking at Mina.
“Is that so? I’m not just some insufferable loudmouth?” Nayeon teased, wiggling her eyebrows. Mina knew what she wanted to do. She just didn’t know how, and not when it would be so satisfying for Nayeon. So she kept talking.
“I mean, yeah. What do your next couple days look like?”
“Mina, mina, mina. Already eager for another date I see? I could free up my schedule if a cute enough girl really really wanted to take me out,” Nayeon snickered. She could see what the younger girl wanted, but she also didn’t want to give in so easily. She also didn’t want the night to end.
“Well, what if the date was with uh me?” Mina asked, looking over to see if Nayeon was just as nervous, only to see a smug smile attached to those bunny teeth. She loved it.
“That could be arranged, a fourth date is pretty serious though so it better be a good one.”
“You know, now that I think of it, I’m the one that’s been planning all these dates so far.”
“You’re wooing me so it kind of makes sense.”
“Please, as if you need to be wooed.”
The banter is what Mina loved the most. It just felt so easy to tease this girl. Going back and forth, escalating but never taking it too far. It felt so natural to her, and she smiled to herself, forgetting to listen to the Korean girl in front of her.
“Hello, are you even listening to me? I just dished a really sick burn and you aren’t even paying enough attention to be hurt,” Nayeon sighed.
“Oh I’m really sorry, I was distracted by something,” Mina said sheepishly.
“Fine, fine. I need to get going anyways but text me?” Nayeon asked. Mina nodded, still trying to find the courage to kiss this annoying girl. She had been staring at her lips all night wondering when the perfect moment would be. It hadn’t been on the porch, perhaps it was under this streetlight? Nayeon looked so cute staring back at her, maybe this moment was as good as any?
“Wait. I...” Mina started as Nayeon was starting to put her legs into the car. She paused, looking up at the Japanese girl with a curious expression.
“Canikissyou?” Mina blurted out, covering her mouth and blushing. She couldn’t believe she’d actually asked. In the movies people always just did it without asking but somehow this felt right. Consent is key, she thought to herself. Nayeon smiled.
“I’ve been waiting all night for you to ask, Minari.”
Making a mental note to ask about the nickname, Mina made her way around the door to where Nayeon was sitting in the front seat of her car. She hesitated as she leaned in. Why wasn’t Nayeon moving into a more accessible position? She had never kissed a girl like this before. Maybe in a car or against the car door, but never partially seated in the car while she stood outside of it. She locked eyes with Nayeon, eyebrows furrowed trying to navigate this new situation.
“So are you kissing me or what?” The older girl asked. The corner of her eyes rose as she smiled at Mina, daring her to make the first move. Mina took a deep breath as she leaned down.
“Don’t act like you don’t want this just as much as I do,” Mina whispered into Nayeon’s ear, grinning as she saw the goosebumps appear on the Korean girl’s arm.
Mina slowly tucked a strand of Nayeon’s hair behind her ear, fingers trailing along her jawline, savoring the contact and a moment where the older girl was rendered speechless. She tilted her chin up, eyes diving into dark brown orbs, and heard Nayeon’s breath hitch. She smiled a little as she gained confidence, closing the gap between them, pressing their lips together.
Mina expected to feel more. She had been expecting fireworks like everyone had talked about before, but there weren’t even butterflies. They smiled shyly at each other as they pulled away, Mina closing Nayeon’s door gently and waving as the older girl left. She couldn’t figure out why there wasn’t any electricity for this kiss. It had felt good, warm, and she definitely wanted to do it again. Her heart had raced at the beginning but had eventually settled to match Nayeon’s. She hummed to herself as she walked to her apartment, wondering to herself if maybe she had been wrong about this. As she reached out to push the front door open, it came to her.
Home.
The kiss was what coming home felt like. It’s odd that something so unfamiliar could remind her of a comfort she never knew she craved. The warmth in her chest, the aligning of her heart with Nayeon’s, the intimate feeling that came over her when they talked. It had been awhile since she had felt this sense of security, nothing like the way her ex had made her feel. She cringed thinking about everything she had put up with in that previous relationship, but felt a sense of comfort thinking about a future with Nayeon. She smiled shyly as she walked in, excited for their next date, hoping it would not be their last.
----------End Flashback----------
Without realizing it, Mina had leaned forward into Nayeon, her hand moving with a mind of its own. Nayeon was extremely confused, as it hadn’t seemed like the younger girl had processed any of the words that had just come out of her mouth.
“Mina, I don’t know if this is a good idea...” she muttered, not able to control her body and the way it reacted to being in such close proximity to the Japanese girl. It was like her mind was shutting down and the only thing that mattered was this magnetic pull they had on each other. It had been four years, their bodies were so used to the other that this was almost inevitable. Almost.
Mina pulled back and released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She looked at her now ex-girlfriend, eyes brimming with confusion and anger, but most of all unspeakable sadness.
“You barely know how to love me, how do you expect to love so many other people then?” Mina spat out, words dripping with spite. She meant every single word and all the implications that came with it.
You never gave me the love I deserved.
Ignoring my feelings and everything we’ve built for this is incredibly self-centered.
Do you really think it’s ok to treat others the way you’ve treated me?
Nayeon opened her mouth to respond, but found nothing there. She hadn’t really considered this, and was slowly realizing the depth of Mina’s question.
Mina stood up, needing to escape the tense atmosphere she had just created. She could see Nayeon unraveling, as her greatest fear had been that she was a selfish person. Part of her felt a sense of accomplishment, making Nayeon feel even a portion of what she felt. The rest of her couldn’t believe she had said those things, and it was taking every ounce of self control not to turn around and comfort the Korean girl who was most certainly crying now. As she turned to leave, she felt a hand tug at her sweater.
“I’m never going to stop loving you, Mina. Do you know that?” Nayeon said softly, wanting to make sure every word was understood.
“If this is what you call love, then I’m not sure I want it anymore,” Mina responded coldly, walking into the room and closing the door. Once the door was shut, she sank to the floor and sobbed, hating how affected she had been by those words. They had meant so much, but at this moment it meant nothing. A bitter laugh escaped her mouth as she thought about the first time she had heard those words from Nayeon.
----------Flashback----------
It had been the best five months of Mina’s life. School was ramping up because of finals, but that didn’t stop them from spending most of their waking moments together. They mostly stayed at Nayeon’s, working out of a precarious dish situation and a messy roommate.
“Let’s go out tonight,” Nayeon suggested, not looking up from her textbook. Mina looked up and hummed in agreement.
“I have work until five though, is that ok?” Mina had felt a weird shift in the air but decided to ignore it.
“Yeah, I’ll pick you up and we can go get dinner?” Nayeon glanced over at Mina and smiled. She wasn’t sure what they were doing, but she was excited.
~
They were walking around the shopping center, admiring all the gifts in the window. Dinner had been at a local pizza place and had cost way too much in Mina’s opinion. Nayeon responded saying nothing was too much for her girlfriend, earning a kiss on the cheek from the younger girl.
“All I’m saying is that I think Wonder Woman could beat Captain Marvel! You know I have a thing for blondes so this is hard for even me to admit!” Nayeon yelled, holding tightly to Mina’s side as the younger girl laughed, unable to contain it.
“Babe Captain Marvel has powers from the Tesseract? Wonder Woman is strong and beautiful, but you really think she has a chance against someone who can fly through space at light speed?” Mina questioned, causing Nayeon to think briefly.
“Ok, ok Minari, you win,” Nayeon replied, earning a small kiss from the Japanese girl.
“Do you remember the first time you called me that?” Mina asked.
“Hmm it feels so natural I honestly have no idea when it began.”
“I do. It was right before I kissed you for the first time.” Nayeon laughed.
“That’s right! You thought you were being so smooth but you kissed the side of my mouth at first!” Mina unlinked her arm from Nayeon and started slowly running away from her.
“Noooo you said you would never bring that up again! I was trying to be cute too!” Mina pouted, causing Nayeon to run even faster after the girl. By the time she caught up, she realized they were back at the car already. Nayeon wrapped her arms around Mina and gave her a tight hug from behind. The shorter girl tried to move, but found unyielding arms so she stayed. Not that she minded.
“You know why I called you that all those months ago?” Nayeon stared at Mina as if the whole universe was right there in her arms. Mina felt safe there, reveling in the warmth on a night that was continuing to get colder as the sun had set. She shook her head.
“I really only give nicknames to people I like. And people I think are going to be around for a while. After that date, I knew you were one of those people. It scared me so bad and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that risk, but I’m so grateful I did. You make me so happy, Minari. You are kind in every way, smarter than anyone I’ve known, and not to mention you are so beautiful. And I don’t think you even understand how gorgeous you are.” Mina suddenly felt very warm even though Nayeon had lifted one of her arms to run her hands through her hair. Seeing an opening, she turned around to face her, eyes beaming.
“I don’t really know how else to say this, but I love you, Mina. I am so crazy in love with you,” Nayeon said, her voice strong. Mina leaned over and kissed her, mustering all the emotion in her body to try and wordlessly respond to her confession. The air felt electric as she pulled her in, willing their bodies to be closer even though she had already pushed Nayeon against the car.
“Get in the car.” Mina’s voice was husky, eyes filled with lust. Nayeon raised an eyebrow.
“This is usually the direction I want to go but here? In this parking lot? It’s too cold to open the windows, it’s going to be so foggy inside,” Nayeon replied, opening the door for Mina before running around to the other side to let herself in.
“I love you too, you idiot,” Mina said, moving her body to straddle Nayeon’s in the driver’s seat. This was going to be interesting.
----------End Flashback----------
The room had grown dark as Mina’s reminiscing came to a close. She felt a pressure in her head that she knew came from crying too much, and closed her eyes, hoping that a good nights rest would make it go away. Maybe she would wake up from this nightmare, too.