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“Hi Saiki,” Teruhashi greets sweetly.
Several guys behind him go ‘offu’. She’s just saying hi, Saiki will never understand why guys act the way they do around her. “I brought your invitation to my birthday party. Don’t lose it, ok? You’ll need it to get in.” Saiki does not want the invitation.
What is this? A nightclub?
“Oh, and I was thinking that since nobody will be bringing presents, I can do a duet with everyone.” She places a pink envelope on his desk, it faintly smells of strawberries.
I’m not singing in front of everyone. I won't be going.
Teruhashi sways back and forth, looking bashfully at the ground, “Well, I guess we can do the duet alone. Since you really want to…” Feral yowling echoes telepathically in Saiki’s mind. He feels a headache coming on as his classmates agonize over Teruhashi’s words.
That’s not what I said. This could lead to WW3 if Saiki isn’t careful.
“So we can do the duet in front of the others! I’m glad,” Teruhashi smiles, a glint of mischief in her eyes. Sure is sad that I couldn’t invite any of my 35,089 fan club members. Hope they don’t give you too much of a hard time.
He's going to get kidnapped for this.
-
He got kidnapped for it.
As Saiki is walking out of the classroom, about to go home, he was blindfolded, lassoed, and forced outside and into a storage room. This kidnapping, however, was a little different.
Saiki's kidnappers take off his blindfold and familiar faces greet the psychic. The three handsome guys from the mixer Imu Rifuta set up have made a base inside the gym storage closet. They sit upon yoga mats stacked on top of each other. Saiki doesn’t remember their names. Something, something, did well on an English test? Also within the storage room were several other teenage boys, standing in a formation.
You guys joined the Kokomins.
“You are both correct and incorrect. No, we are-”
“It doesn’t matter who we are. We know who you are, Kusuo Saiki,” the one with the beard points at Saiki.
Hey man, it’s not nice to cut off your friends.
“Kokomi Teruhashi’s childhood friend!”
What.
“You see, we have received reports that Kokomi Teruhashi has been to your house several times, knows your mom, dad, and brother, AND is on good terms with your only childhood friend, Akechi Touma which means that you two are actually friends from childhood. You have an unrequited crush on her and that’s why you beat us up at the mixer. You’re just a childhood friend that was pity invited to her birthday party,” the blonde one brings out a cork board littered with pictures of Teruhashi leaving his house, talking to his parents, and studying with Akechi.
The brunette of the trio continues on, “We have a soul connection to Kokomi! I knew what her favorite joke was.”
“I knew her favorite karaoke song.”
“I knew when she felt cold even though she didn’t say anything.”
That was all due to Saiki’s psychic powers. Teruhashi would have left before the mixer even started if not for him intervening. You’re all great candidates to date her. Good job. Now, what do you want?
“We know that you have an invitation to celebrate her birthday party. Hand it over.”
These guys don’t have the usual uniform of the Kokomin nor could Saiki pick up Sawakita’s thoughts through telepathy. These guys must be working on their own.
No. Now get out of our school. You don’t even go here.
Saiki proceeds to untie the ribbons tying his wrists together. These guys are too rich to even use a rope. He stands up, making a move towards the door.
“Where do you think you’re going?” a shadow looms over Saiki. He turns around to find himself face to face with that giant guy from the Kokomins - the defense leader. Didn’t he graduate? Now that he looks around, Saiki starts recognizing people from Kokomins. Is this a new fan club? The trio from the mixer were wearing their rich kid school uniforms, but the rest of the guys in the storage room wore biker jackets with an angel embellishment.
Teruhashi sure attracts a lot of troublesome guys. The ex-Kokomin makes a grab for Saiki with his giant meat mittens, Saiki dodges and pushes him away - accidently sending him into the several other boys. Saiki takes this opportunity to run out the door - the rest of the fanclub hot on his heels.
“Give us the envelope!
“I’ve been practicing the 1999 rendition of You’re my only Sunshine for the past 16 years, I deserve that invite!”
“I have spent the past 6 months looking for the perfect gift for her.”
That’s not my problem.
Saiki loses them fairly quick. Now, he just needed a quiet place to teleport away. Unlucky for him, everywhere he turned, there were guys on the hunt for his invitation. Boys from other schools, students who graduated already, sleazy politicians, and even, the biggest pervert of them, Makoto Teruhashi. He appears to be hiding behind a tree at the school entrance - gaining the attention of some students leaving.
What are you all doing here? Is nobody making sure strangers don’t just walk into the school?
Saiki tried to hide in the gym to teleport home, only to find the baseball team. Next, he went to the teacher’s lounge to find an old man trying to bribe Matsuzaki-senpai for Teruhashi’s address. He even tries the girls’ choir room, only to find an ambush of second-years. Now, he is roaming the second-floor halls to find an empty classroom. Animosity and hostility fill the hot summer air. This has turned into a manhunt.
“Psst, Kusuo Saiki, this way.” An ally? In this godforsaken wasteland? Saiki makes his way over to a dark classroom.
Entering the room, he is greeted by a familiar fan club. The Kokomins, though smaller than before, have barricaded and fortified their club room. Guards were armed with golf clubs and wore armor made of backpacks with a picture of Teruhashi's face taped to the front of it. Some members have started a small campfire in the corner and were sipping on vending machine soda as if it were whiskey. A group forms at the center of the room and standing at the front is Sawakita, the leader of the Kokomins. “Greetings Kusuo Saiki, it's been a long time,” as if they don’t go to the same school.
Why is there another Teruhashi fan club?
“Hey boss, who even is this guy? And why does he get to keep Teruhashi's invite?” one of the background characters asks - probably a first year.
Sawakita hums, “Gentleman, I would like you all to meet Teruhashi’s… baby daddy. As the father of Teruhashi’s child, he gets special privileges. One, we cannot lay a hand on him so as to not hurt Teruhashi. Two, all knowledge of his involvement with Teruhashi must not be uttered outside of this room. And three, we must keep his child safe.”
A spotlight flickers on and in the distant corner of the room is a shrine to… Yuuta. Several pictures of Yuuta, Saiki’s kid neighbor, who is most definitely not his and Teruhashi’s love child, have been meticulously pinned in a collage. Some look familiar, like pictures of him at the carnival watching the “live” performance of Cyborg Ciderman #1 or Saiki carrying him. Other pictures, such as him as a baby, Saiki has never seen before.
Where did you guys even get these?
“Nishi is in the head of Yuuta Defense squad,” Sawakita unhelpfully supplies. The weirdo with the bandaged hand, holds up a camera that is fastened around his neck. The guy has the audacity to give Saiki a wave. This must be illegal, right?
“But sir, how do we know that Saiki won’t hurt Teruhashi?”
“Great question, gentlemen. We have a secret service member tailing at him at all times.”
You’re kidding.
“Codename: Psychic Lover, please give us your status report.”
A figure shrouded in black robes with a single eye visible comes to the front of the room.
Oh, it’s just you.
Just me? I’m doing this for you! They asked me to do this after Teruhashi was seen walking out of an empty classroom with her hair and clothes a mess and her face all funny.
“He has done nothing to harm her highness, sir,” the shrouded black figure states, kneeling in front of Sawakita.
Just then, the door bursts open and in walks the three boys from the mixer along with their pack. “Give us Kusuo Saiki,” the blonde one says.
“This is a lowly club with members that have no resolve,” the bearded one is holding a bat.
“You probably don’t even know what song you sing with her. I have three playlists dedicated to this very scenario,” the brunette rolls up his sleeves.
“Teruhashi didn’t invite you.” Sawakita holds his arm out in front of Saiki protectively, before speaking directly to Saiki, “Those bastards, they had originally tried rushing the Kokomins but once they found out that you have to be C-Suite and above to show Teruhashi memes, they left and took almost a third of our members with them. They call themselves the Angel Twinks.”
Do they know what twinks are!?
(Akechi here with some context. Kokomi Teruhashi’s character song - released on November 16, 2016 - is called Angel Wink. You can see her singing in Season 1 Episode 18 of The Disastrous Life of Saiki K or Saiki Kusuo no Psi Nan.)
“Their only goal is to flirt with Teruhashi. Nobody, nobody is allowed to hit on Teruhashi.” I sure hope not. She already has a kid .
“She must be the one to pick on one of us lower beings to be her boyfriend. You should be grateful that she’s even in our lives - not greedy for more!” Sawakita yells at the rival fanclub.
“How is she supposed to get to know us if we can only talk about the weather?” one of the Angel Twinks yells back. The rest of the group murmurs their agreement, getting riled up further.
“Don’t let them get the invite. Remember, we must protect Teruhashi’s happiness with our lives. FOR KOKOMI!”
“FOR KOKOMI!” One of Saiki’s class members grabs a chair and smashes it against the large guy’s back. It only seems to gain his ire because he turns around, grabs the Kokomin’s head, and tosses him aside. A fight ensues.
Ah, another instance of organized religions butting heads. Saiki decides to leave while they are distracted.
Saiki makes his way to the roof, at least up there, he can get a better view of the school. From there, he sees Teruhashi standing at the front entrance with no Makoto in sight. ‘I wonder if Saiki has opened the envelope yet.’
Isn’t it just an invitation?
Saiki opens up his school bag to find the envelope, pink and still smelling of strawberries. She must have sprayed a fragrance on it. He opens the envelope to find a card that is decorated with small cartoon dogs. Written in neat handwriting are the words, ‘If you’re reading this, I’ll be waiting at the front of the gate to walk home together! P.S I lied :) Why would you need a birthday invitation?’
Saiki immediately disintegrates the card, but not the envelope.
He teleports to Makoto who has been desperately searching for him. The teen superstar has been yelling at an empty stall in the mens’ bathroom for the past 5 minutes thinking Saiki was inside. Coincidentally, this also happens to be the bathroom where Saiko had confronted Teruhashi to be his girl.
Oi.
“There you are, I knew I would find you in the girls’ bathroom. You look like the type of guy who would hide in the girls’ bathroom.”
This is actually the men’s bathroom. With that, Saiki hands him the empty envelope before pushing him into a stall and locking it, then breaking the lock.
Hope you don’t have any upcoming movies to shoot.
The sound of a stampede comes from all around them. Every guy within 300 meters is coming directly towards them. Saiki used his telepathy, ` There is a guy in a black beanie wearing a white mask and sunglasses hiding in the girls’ bathroom. He is the real person that is invited to Teruhashi’s birthday. ’
With that, Saiki turns himself invisible and waits for the chaos to ensue. The carnage and destruction is immense. Hundreds of sweaty, war-hardened, teenage boys barge into the bathroom and beat down the doors of the stalls and each other. Makoto’s face gets sat on, headbands go flying, one guy’s entire right arm ends up in a toilet. Saiki almost has half of the mind to stop the fight or get Teruhashi to stop it. Almost. He has been pursued relentlessly all day and has had to listen to scenarios of him getting thrown down the stairs, maimed by bears, and being choked.
At a certain point, the envelope which now is covered in bathroom grime and blood takes flight and lands right into a urinal. With that, it is covered in piss.
Nendou, who is urinating with his pants all the way, turns to look at the crowd of boys, their faces white. “Oh sorry. Did you guys need that?”
A moment of silence is mandated to mourn a dream that will never come true.
Slowly, one soldier rises and places his hand on another's shoulder. “Just because we weren’t invited doesn’t mean that we can’t still celebrate. Let’s have a party together to celebrate the birth of our goddess.” Sawakita has impressive leadership skills. It’s too bad that being the leader of a cult doesn’t translate well on college resumes.
Saiki leaves. His invisibility is about to end.
As he is putting his outdoor shoes on, Sawakita walks up to him. “We’re going to get ramen to celebrate the union of our two clubs, do you want to come?”
Will Saiki have to add being a member of a cult on his college resumes?
Sorry, I have to pick up my kid.
The guy with the bandaged hand pulls out his phone to show that his lock screen is a picture of Yuuta. Saiki still can’t tell if that’s illegal. It feels illegal.
It has only been about 30 minutes since school ended. Teruhashi is at the gate, just as she said. She is standing underneath a tree for shade. It is pretty hot today. She is putting her hair up in a bun, revealing the nape of her neck.
I wonder when Saiki is getting here. Saiki presses a cold can of coffee against her exposed neck.
“Agh! What was that for?”
Saiki had bought two cold drinks from the vending machine since it was so hot. He wasn’t hot, but he figured that he deserved a treat after the day he had.
Payback.
Teruhashi pops open the can and brings it to her lips. The passing group of fanclub members sigh in unison as she takes a gulp. I had cleaning committee duties so I haven’t been waiting long. Did you have fun?
Saiki starts walking out the gate and Teruhashi follows, sipping her drink.
Your brother was at the school.
“What? Was he there to bother you?”
He wanted your invitation.
Teruhashi huffed, “Stupid big brother, I told him that I didn’t want to spend my birthday with him.” I’ve spent every single birthday with him, I just want this one birthday for myself, and- Teruhashi takes another gulp of her drink.
Once they are far enough away from the school, Saiki breaks the silence. I thought we agreed to be honest with each other.
“I am being honest. I’m being my honest self and,” Teruhashi smiles mirthfully, “I honestly think you have some karma built up.”
Saiki tenses. “You have done a lot of good deeds, I realized. But you’ve also been naughty.”
What are you, Santa?
“Like stopping Chiyo’s crush on you, picking all the activities that I don’t want to do on our dates, turning Kaido into stone, turning Nendou into stone twice, not to mention the biggest travesty of them all, making me think you don’t like me.”
Saiki doesn’t know how to respond. On one hand, Teruhashi was right, he has manipulated some aspects of his life with his psychic abilities. Like a stockbroker that dabbles in insider trading, he has had access to all the information he needs to make things go his way. On the other hand, he is a really bad stockbroker. Nothing ever goes his way. Hell, it took him six years to finally stop the volcanic eruption.
“I have full intentions of getting justice,” Teruhashi says, her mind full of malicious intent.
Don’t make it sound like you can do any real damage.
“Who says I plan on doing any damage?” With that, Teruhashi finishes her drink and throws it away. One of her fan club members disguised as a custodian immediately collects the trash after that. He gives Saiki a thumbs-up. Saiki is going to curse him with a limp right arm for the next three weeks.
Teruhashi notices the fan club member. She isn’t fazed but does ask, “Why did he just give you a thumbs up?”
I’m an honorary member of your fan club.
“No way.”
They think I’m the father of your child.
Teruhashi stops walking. “Sorry, what.”
They saw us walking with Yuuta and mistook him for our kid. Now I can talk to you about the weather and daycare expenses. They actually gave him his membership card. It was shoved into his locker along with a couple of threats. Saiki grabs his wallet out of his bag and takes out the card.
They reused his school picture, but he doesn’t mind. He looks very average in it. The card has a bunch of his general information: eye color, hair color, height, blood type, address, etc. His member number is #000000.
He offers the card to Teruhashi who doesn’t take it.
“You let them think I’m a teen mom?” Her beautiful super perfect face morphs into an oni. Her eyeballs shrink and fangs erupt from her mouth, her hair comes out of its bun and stretches outward, rage rolling off of her in waves. THE PERFECT PRETTY GIRL ISN’T ANOTHER STATISTIC.
Under her intense glare, Saiki feels very small.
I’m sorry. I’ll take responsibility.