Work Text:
“You know, Henry,” Dani said with a smile, “despite you being a lawyer, you really are a terrible liar.”
“I am not!”
“You absolutely are. I’ve taught seven year olds with a better poker face.”
“I’ll have you know that-“ Henry stopped his protest when he saw the twinkle in Dani’s eye. It wasn’t that he was a bad liar, he decided; she was simply far more observant than he’d like. But then again, that same quality had saved Flora’s life — so on second thought, perhaps she was exactly as observant as he’d like.
“Alright, fine,” he said. “What is it?”
They were sat next to the hearth where a fire crackled gently after a long evening of sharing stories and drinks. Dani’s smile faded as she leaned forward.
“I asked how you were doing.”
“As I said, we are well. Miles and Flora are—”
“Thriving, doing well at school and making fast friends. I know, it was all you talked about and I’m so happy they’re doing well. But,” she shot a look at the by now mostly empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table, “that’s not what I asked.”
In a shadowy corner, a familiar figure grinned a wolf-like grin.
Henry straightened in his chair. “If you’re attempting a veiled criticism of my drinking habits, I’ll have you know it doesn’t interfere with my responsibilities as guardian. The children always come first, and I would never allow myself to—”
“I know.” Dani’s voice carried none of the harshness he expected. “You love these kids. You’d never allow anything bad to happen to them. It’s clear as day, nobody is questioning that and I am so glad you’ve taken them in.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The kids are doing well. You, on the other hand, have been going through that bottle at twice the rate of Jamie and me combined. So. How are you doing?”
He looked away. “I’m fine.”
Dani sighed, then spoke in a tone of voice he imagined she used when carefully explaining a new maths concept to Miles, who struggled with the subject. He tried very hard not to take that the wrong way. Or perhaps the right way.
“Jamie and I have been traveling. She’s always wanted to visit the Yellowstone National Park and I’ve been there once as a kid. Got some really fond memories. We spent a week there, hiking and sight seeing and,” Dani cracked a mischievous smile, “sleeping under the stars.”
Behind her, his wretched other self moved closer in anticipation.
“I took up photography. My photos are pretty terrible and I never show anyone besides Jamie, but its been so much fun to explore. Jamie is making plans to open a shop. The point is,” she gave him a pointed look, “we’ve been living.”
As if on cue, his other self clapped his hands in jubilation. “Oh, yes! This is going to be so much fun. This is the part where you tell her that you’ve spent every evening since you moved here drinking yourself to sleep after putting the children to bed. And don’t forget to mention you’ve spent the miserable few hours that you’ve been sober aimlessly moping about, alone in that big, empty house of yours, wishing for a way to… Ah, but think of the children.” He made a mocking sad face and ran a finger down his cheek tracing a phantom tear.
“Henry?” He was startled by the sound of Dani’s voice interrupting his other self, who theatrically shushed himself as he stepped back into the shadows. Hating that he was proving her point but finding his need for a drink outweighing his pride, he reached for the scotch to pour himself another generous helping.
“I’m fine,” he repeated, now painfully aware of just how transparent he was.
“Mm-hmm. Of course you are.” There was a long pause during which he made careful study of the wood pattern in the floor. When it became clear he wasn’t going to reply, Danirolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. “Fine then, you want to drink yourself into an early grave still, suit yourself. But do answer me this. I’ve earned that much. I’ve spent a long time wondering why you never visited Bly or returned my calls. At first I thought you were just a cold-hearted bastard who couldn’t be bothered to look after his only remaining family. But that wasn’t right, was it? You’d die for these kids - hell, you have!” She shook her head. “No, that wasn’t it. There must have been something else.”
Henry kept looking down. He was quite sure that if he met met her eyes she would see every rotten part of him he’d kept so carefully tucked away. She didn’t need to know. Nobody did.
“It doesn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t you come back? Why leave in the first place to let two childrengrieve their parents alone?” Dani’s voice grew sharper with every question. “Why did you leave them to wonder what they’d done wrong to have even their beloved uncle — their last living relative — abandon them?”
From the corner of his eye he could see his other self grinning maniacally, clearly getting off on the spectacle of someone other than himself making him squirm. The glass trembled in his hands as he turned away and squeezed his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to block out her voice.
“You weren’t there for them when Peter robbed them and disappeared, you weren’t there when Rebecca died. Flora found her au pair’s corpse floating in the fucking lake! Do you have any idea what that did to her?!”
Despite her voice getting louder, it grew distant to him as an old memory emerged from where it always lurked just below the surface of his consciousness, threatening to swallow him whole. His breath became shallow and uneven as he fought fought desperately to resist, to stay…
“Every adult in their lives kept leaving them. Where were you, Henry? Where were you when they needed you?”
A dark, empty office. Turning the dial to deliver terrible news . A familiar figure looking over his shoulder, grinning as the phone rang once, twice …
“No… please…” he let out a wretched whisper, barely audible, teetering on the edge of something altogether gaping and hungry.
“How could you just abandon them?!”
Time seemed to slow as the cold light of the street lamps threw jagged shadows on the office floor. The buzzing of the lamps became deafening. His mouth had never felt so dry. He needed a drink.
The phone rang a third time.
“Answer me! Why, Henry? Was it you who called us every damn night, spooking the shit out of us? What sort of twisted game was that!”
“I only wanted to hear her voice…”
“What?”
A tense silence followed as he raised the trembling glass to his lips and drained its contents in one go before immediately reaching for the bottle again. Dani caught him by the wrist. “Henry. Answer me.”
“Yes, Henry, answer her,” his other self said smugly. “Tell her just why the children were orphaned. Why she had to give up her own life to save that of your bastard child. I’m sure she will be absolutelydelighted.”
She wasn’t letting him go, and he didn’t have the energy to resist. Somehow he managed to summon the courage to meet her eyes, expecting to see hate, or contempt, or at least disgust — but there was none. Dani Clayton only looked at him with deep concern. It was like looking into the sun. Had her eyes always been two different colors?
Had he always been such a coward?
“Go on then, say it. I can’t wait to see the look on her face as she realizes what a monster you are, you miserable waste of—”
“Flora is mine,” Henry heard himself say.
Dani’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You mean…”
“I’m her father.” He swallowed hard as he looked away, torn between an instinct to bite his tongue and flee the scene, and a selfish desire to at last confess to the worst thing he’d ever done. The words forced their way out of his throat in spite of his better judgment.
“Charlotte and I… we had an affair. Seven years. I knew it was wrong, but God, I loved her so, so much.” He took an unsteady, shallow breath. “And I thought she loved me too, and perhaps she did… But in the end she chose Dominic. She never told me that I was the father. I had no idea — Until Dom told me. He came to our office to confront me about the affair and he banished me. He told me I no longer had a family. That I would have to live with what I’d done. Alone.” His voice broke as tears threatened to well up. “That was the last time I ever saw him. The trip they went on, the trip to India… they were retracing their honeymoon. They were going to fix their marriage.”
His hands were shaking so intensely now that he feared he might drop the empty glass. He put it down.
“I was the only reason they went on that trip at all. They died because of me, Dani. Flora and Miles, they’re orphans because of what I did. How could I face them? What sort of a monster would defy his dead brother’s last wish and swoop in to take his place?”
Miserable and terrified, he forced himself to meet her gaze again, surprised to see Dani’s eyes filled with tears matching his own. “What sort of a monster has a brilliant young woman give up her life to clean up his mess?” he whispered.
The words hung in the air for a long moment.
“I know I’ve fucked up. I know I’ve let you all down in ways I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for and will never manage. I know what you’re trying to tell me, Dani, but you have no idea what I deserve.”
“I do, actually.”
Wait, what?
There was a look on her face he didn’t know what to make of. One part sad, one part pity, one part wry amusement and one part something else altogether. She looked away into into the hearth, but she was miles away. He had the sense to remain quiet, listening to what she said next in a daze.
“I never really told you why I came to England when I did,” Dani began softly. “What I told you about wanting to make a difference was all true. But I also moved because I was running away. Back in the States I was engaged to the sweetest young man. We’d been best friends since we were toddlers when his parents moved into the house down the street. We shared our first kiss when I was twelve.” A small, sad smile played on her lips. “He was head over heels for me. And I- I loved him too, but… not in the same way. But I thought that… if I just kept trying, eventually I would feel the way I was supposed to. I guess in hindsight, I should have known that was never going to happen.
“A few weeks before the wedding, he and I were having dinner in a restaurant. I was quiet and he sensed something was up, so he asked about it and… I didn’t want to make a scene in public like that, but one thing led to another and I realized I was breaking up with him.” She paused for a moment, as if to brace herself for what came next. “We left the restaurant and had a terrible argument in the car… I was breaking his heart, and he - he was… he wasn’t thinking straight anymore, and he opened the door without looking and…”
There was no need for her to finish the sentence. The pain on her face said it all and Henry felt a wave of sympathy and admiration for her as she continued all the same.
“There was a truck. He was hit. He died in my arms within minutes, and the last thing he ever saw was the face of the woman who had broken his heart.” Her voice was little more than a whisper as she folded her hands in her lap. “His family was so kind to me. They didn’t know we had broken up… much less that he’d died because of it. I didn’t have the heart to tell them, but I couldn’t face them anymore either. Couldn’t bear their sympathies for the woman who had caused their boy’s death.
“You do not have a monopoly on this pain, Henry Wingrave. I know what it is to be haunted by the dead. And I know what it’s like to move halfway across the world to try and escape it.” She turned to him, her cheeks wet with tears as she gave him a small smile. “Doesn’t work, does it.”
In the long silence that followed, Henry found himself overwhelmed by emotion - far too much of everything, a cavalcade of unnamed feelings mixed into a terrible cocktail that made his hands shake again and had him fighting to keep tears from escaping his eyes. Finally, he summoned enough selfishness to manage a hoarse whisper.
“How do I make it stop?”
Warm hands took trembling ones.
“It wasn’t your fault. You need to ask for help, Henry.”
And with that, a crushing sob broke what remained of his composure as for the first time Henry allowed himself to weep for the loss of his family, for the guilt that had consumed him, for the terrible mistakes he’d made. Dani understood. She held him tight.
There was no one else in the room.
-
A few days later there was a gathering in a run-down gymnasium in town. Sat on rickety chairs arranged in a circle was a collection of people of a variety of ages and backgrounds, made somewhat more diverse with the addition of their newest member.After the customary welcome, the newcomer introduced himself in a small, unsteady voice that didn’t suit him, uncertain but speaking up all the same.
“My name is Henry, and I’m an alcoholic.”