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He’s running.
He doesn’t know where to and he doesn’t know what he’s running from, but he knows he’s running. His members are calling out to him, screaming his name so loud, his ears ring. All he can hear are their calls for help. His heart is hammering in his chest as he runs and runs and runs. Then his legs give out and he’s falling. When he finally lands, his hands are bloody, his legs are covered in scrapes, and there are cuts that run down the side of his face. He looks around, trying to figure out where he is.
Then out of nowhere Kai and Taehyun appear in front of him. His eyes widen because there are his members. Two of them anyway. They’re safe and they’re there and he just has to get up and get to them. Except Taehyun is suddenly being engulfed by darkness, followed closely by Kai. He tries to get up, tries to save them, but something is holding him back and he struggles. He does. But he’s being held back by something. A vine? A chain? A rope?
He hears Yeonjun and Soobin’s screams from somewhere in the vast darkness. They call out for him, shouting for help. Then Kai utters the same words he always hears the moment before he wakes up. “You didn’t make it in time, Bam hyung.” Then Kai is taken away with Taehyun and he is left in a crying puddle of his sorrow.
He drowns in his own failure.
☀️☀️☀️
Beomgyu shoots upright, his breathing rugged as he tries to remember where he is.
The alarm clock on his bedside table reads 7:39 AM. He can hear the laughs of Kai and Taehyun through the door and takes a deep breath. It’s fine. He’s safe. His members are safe. Everything is okay. He wipes the cold sweat from his forehead, ignoring how his hands tremble with every move. There’s no point in going back to sleep so he flops back onto his bed and sighs. He doesn’t think he would be able to go back to sleep anyway. Not when the remnants of his dreams are still there. He brushes them aside; that’s for future Beomgyu to deal with.
His eyes float to the door as it’s slammed open. He winces when it bangs against the offending wall. A fluffy-haired Kai comes bounding into the room, tackling Beomgyu into a big warm hug. Beomgyu elicits a small ‘oof’, but otherwise says nothing. He would never deny Kai’s cuddles.
Taehyun comes in behind the maknae, a cup of herbal tea in his hands. He pushes the mug in his hyung’s hands carefully. Beomgyu smiles lightly. He thanks Taehyun with a kiss, and promptly smirks when the younger’s face flushes bright pink.
“Shut up, hyung,” Taehyun pouts. Beomgyu smiles a little wider.
“I didn’t say anything,” he replies, throwing his unoccupied hand into the air. Kai whines at the movement, shuffles, and then continues to cuddle his hyung.
Taehyun leaves just as quickly as he came and everything Beomgyu had been worried about from his nightmare is gone. There’s a warmth in his heart and the tea in his hands is warm and now he knows his members are safe. Nothing’s wrong. It was a stupid nightmare. Just a nightmare. Beomgyu lets himself bask in the peacefulness of the room. Kai’s warmth helps ease him immensely as he lets the tea run through his system. He’s so engulfed by the peace that he jumps when he finally registers Soobin leaning against the doorframe.
A few drops of tea end up on the floor, but Beomgyu disregards them. He can clean it up later.
“Tell me, Gyu, what time did you get back home last night?” Soobin asks softly. It’s the same question he asks every morning and Beomgyu should be used to it by now, but it still always seems to catch him off guard. The door closes behind him as he edges into the room. His eyebrows are raised in suspicion.
“I’m fine,” Beomgyu responds quickly, punctuating his sentence by finishing off his tea.
Soobin chuckles lightly. “That’s nice to know, angel, but that doesn’t answer my question,” Soobin responds just as fast. Beomgyu knows that Soobin knows all his tricks to hide how much time he spends in the studio. Soobin sits on the bed, placing a hand lightly on Beomgyu’s shoulder.
Before Beomgyu can attempt to lie, a head pops around the door. “You’ll be pleased to know that he crashed in my bed at around 2 am,” Yeonjun answers. Beomgyu pouts as Yeonjun reveals his night time activities. Yeonjun smiles, pressing a kiss to Beomgyu’s pouty lips, and taking the empty mug from his hands.
Soobin hums, kissing Yeonjun before the oldest leaves the room. Kai is still stuck clinging to Beomgyu, a smile of bliss spread on his face. The two oldest smile affectionately at their maknae. Soobin shares a look with Beomgyu and he instantly knows what to do. Without even pausing to think about it, Beomgyu lifts his hands and violently tickles Kai. The maknae releases screams, similar to that of a dolphin, in protest. The oldest pair laugh at the younger’s pain.
“You need to get up, Hyuka,” Soobin iterates, punctuating his laughter. He hauls himself up from the bed, stretching and letting out a groan. Then whips around and playfully whacks Beomgyu for calling him an ‘old man’ . “Ningning, if you’re not in the shower in 1 minute, all your plushies will magically disappear and never come back.”
The threat has Kai running out of the bed so fast, Beomgyu can only see a flash of pink hair before he’s gone. Beomgyu grins, chuckles falling from his lips. Soobin steals a kiss from him and then goes to leave, but not before turning around to add, “You should shower after Hyuka.”
Beomgyu hums. “I love you,” he sings. Soobin scoffs, seeing the deflection from miles away.
“I love you, too.” Soobin chuckles, closing to the door as he exits. Beomgyu watches him leave and swiftly grabs his phone from his bedside table. He reads through some messages that MOAs left on Weverse. He smiles, and laughs and replies to as much as he can, skipping the ones that talk about how tired he looks recently. He hears Kai leaving the shower just as he presses the post button on a selca he had been meaning to show MOA for awhile. He grins widely as he sees the comment section fill almost the second he posts.
Beomgyu reluctantly rises from his spot on the bed and stretches. He grabs the first outfit he can see and heads to the bathroom. He can hear Kai’s signature laugh, and the smell of Yeonjun’s cooking. He notices Taehyun and Soobin cuddling on the couch. He knows his members are safe. He has nothing to worry about.
☀️☀️☀️
“I’m so bored,” Kai sighs, falling flat on the couch inside their group studio. The others ignore him except for the small giggle from Taehyun. Beomgyu continues with messing around with chords on his guitar and adding in random synth sounds here and there. He’s really glad he took those extra mixing lessons that their BTS hyungs had offered to teach for them. It’s helped immensely with their music and Beomgyu just finds it fun.
Soobin sits in a chair in the corner, spinning a pen between his fingers. A soft tune is being hummed by him, it’s quite an interesting tune and Beomgyu saves what he’d been messing around with, opening a new file and starting to put together what Soobin was humming. He spends the next ten minutes adding his own idea for mixes and melodies. He’s actually quite proud of himself when he finishes it. It’s not his first ever draft, but he likes it more than his other ‘messes’.
He takes his headphones off and finds Soobin still in the corner. “What do you think of this, Binnie hyung?” Beomgyu asks. Soobin lifts his head. Kai and Taehyun visibly perk up at the prospect of listening to something made by their hyung. Beomgyu resets the audio so it starts from the beginning and presses play. As the melody filters through the speakers into the small studio, Yeonjun also removes his headphones to listen.
And when the rough draft finishes, Kai’s mouth is agape, Soobin’s clapping, and Beomgyu feels a small sense of accomplishment.
“Woah, Gyu. That was amazing. Did you use the tune I was humming before?” Soobin asks, and Beomgyu replies with a timid nod. He looks to Yeonjun for his reaction. His face has a calculated look on it, but then it’s like a lightbulb goes off in his head because his eyes light up and he spins in his chair to bring up a file in his hard drive. Beomgyu watches his hyung in bemusement and anticipation.
Then,“ I have the perfect lyrics to go with that, Beom. It’s like we’re telepaths or something. That beat is incredible.” Beomgyu beams as Yeonjun praises him. “I was thinking of a dreams and nightmares concept. One track for nightmares, one track for dreams,” - he pauses, looking through his notes - “I think this fits the nightmare style more, but I’m sure we can come up with a dream one later.”
Beomgyu hums, a small sense of dread filling him as he listens to Yeonjun’s idea while reading the lyrics. “That’s really something, hyung. You thought it through and everything.” Beomgyu doesn’t mention that the concept hits a little too close to home. He’ll take what he can get. The tips of Yeonjun’s ear turn red at the compliment, and to save himself, he quickly puts his headphones back on and turns to his computer. He mumbles a small ‘thank you’ two seconds later.
Kai gasps then, prompting everyone to turn to him, including Yeonjun who quietly sighs at being interrupted again. “What if we have opposite melodies! The angry and dark one for dreams, and-”
“And a soft and melodic one for nightmares!” Taehyun finishes. They share a quick high five. The two maknaes bounce up and down, excitement bubbling inside them. Beomgyu loves the idea, almost a little too much. “So actually, Beomie hyung’s melody is perfect for dreams. Now we need one for nightmares,” Taehyun adds.
They spend the next half hour putting together a rough idea for the melody for nightmares, they each input their own ideas and by the end of their group session, the members begin to pack up their things. Beomgyu stays put, brows furrowed. “I think I’ll stay and polish the dream track.”
Soobin seems hesitant to let the younger stay, but he relents. “Okay, Gyu, but don’t stay up too late this time. Please.” There’s a knowing smile on his lips.
“I can’t promise that,” he answers as a joke (It’s a little more real than a joke, but Beomgyu is ignorant, and ignorance is bliss.), “but I’ll try.”
Beomgyu watches Taehyun and Soobin carry a half-asleep Kai to the company car. “Don’t come home too late, Bam hyung,” Kai mumbles in his sleepy state, “I miss our cuddles.” Beomgyu nods, then remembers the younger can’t actually see him.
“I do too, Ning. I’ll be okay,” he promises. The rest filter out of the studio, stretching and groaning, ready to hit their bed and sleep for as long as they possibly can. And just like that the studio lapses into silence, but unlike last time, it’s a little more lonely without his members’ constant presence. Beomgyu should be used to it, but there’s this strange isolated feeling that comes with being in their group studio alone. He shakes it off though; there’s a track to polish.
He really likes the idea. It’s something they haven’t done before, and it’ll definitely reach out to fans that are struggling. Ever since they were given permission to make some of their own tracks, each of them have been trying to find their own style of mixing, and working on songs. Beomgyu finds it fun and relaxing, but he’s run on little to no sleep and he doesn’t really find peace in working like he used to. He thinks back on the lyrics Yeonjun had written,
“It’ll go away as soon as you wake,
But the chasing never stops,
It’s never forgotten,
Trying to forget about my troubles,
But they always come back again,
The cycle is the same,
But I always get up.”
Beomgyu sighs. How has Yeonjun described his nightmares so damn well? Beomgyu always admired his hyung for how well he wrote lyrics, but these lyrics don’t bring him the usual comfort that they normally do. He can feel his body trembling, but he shoves that thought aside. He goes to the small coffee machine in the corner and makes his fifth coffee of the day. It’s bitter and he hates it, but if he wants to even attempt to get any work done, he needs his awake juice. He knows he isn’t going to sleep tonight.
Beomgyu knows he’s breaking the promise he made Kai before they left for the dorm, but anything hurts less than having another one of those nightmares. It’s going to be a long night, so Beomgyu sits back in his chair once his coffee is finished, and resumes his fine tuning of the tracks.
☀️☀️☀️
Beomgyu is up and off the couch in an instant, sobs claw out from his throat as fat tears pour down his face. He collapses to the floor, hitting his arm against the small coffee table on the way down. His body shakes with violence.’
“It’s not real. It’s not real. They’re okay. I’m okay. It was just a nightmare. It’s all okay.” He repeats it to himself over and over again. The same way he does ever since the nightmares started. He curses himself quietly for being so weak, but pushes those thoughts aside and focuses on regulating his breathing.
He feels his heart rate slow, and his hands shaking less than they had been before. He stares at the painting Taehyun had done a few years ago when they were all still trainees. It’s bright and vibrant, colours flooding not only the canvas but also the entire room. Beomgyu feels guilt engulf him at the thought of his members at home. He wants his members. Now.
His phone sits on the same table he had hit his arm on barely two minutes ago. It lights from its place. Beomgyu shakily lifts himself from the floor, slowly. The first thing he sees is the message from Soobin telling him to come home preferably before 3 AM. That was over an hour ago. The other was from Kai wishing him a goodnight and telling him to come home as soon as possible. The last was from Yeonjun telling him that he’ll be dragging ‘his ass’ home if he isn’t home in ten minutes. That was five minutes ago.
Beomgyu feels the tears before he even registers them to stop them. He considers calling Yeonjun, asking him to come and take him back home, but he doesn’t want to burden his hyung. He doesn’t want to burden his members. He’s not 3 years old; he can take care of himself. He sighs, sending Yeonjun a reply, telling him that he’s leaving now. He sends a laughing emoji to Soobin jokingly. There’s no smile on his face, but he hopes at least Soobin can chuckle at his antics.
The members’ screams are still ringing in Beomgyu’s mind, but he pushes them away. He feels exhausted. But he shudders at the thought of succumbing to sleep and experiencing yet another nightmare.
☀️☀️☀️
When Beomgyu arrives back at the dorm, it’s pitch black, a complete contrast to the multicoloured sky that had been there when the members had left for home. He chuckles sadly at his predicament. He kicks off his shoes, and shuffles quietly to the hyungs’ room. Only one bed is being used. Yeonjun and Soobin are plastered closely to each other, and Beomgyu lets a small grin appear on his face. He feels relieved that his members are safe, and together, and they’re okay.
He shuts the door behind him softly and enters his own room with Taehyun and Kai. Unlike the hyungs, Taehyun and Kai are sleeping in their own beds. Taehyun looks so peaceful in his bed and if it weren’t for the rise and fall of his chest, Beomgyu would’ve thought he was dead. He kisses his forehead lightly and grins even brighter when Taehyun smiles in his sleep and curls up a little. Beomgyu crosses over the room to Kai, heart-squeezing guilt seeping through and causing him to pause in his steps.
“You’re safe here, Ning. I promise. I’m so sorry,” he whispers, leaving a light kiss under the maknae’s eye. He moves away and lets them sleep peacefully.
He stifles a yawn as he shuffles into the kitchen, switching the light on as he goes past. He fills a glass up with water and sips slowly. He needs to get over himself. He’s not a child that runs to his mother at the first sign of danger. He’s an idol who needs to keep an image.
Beomgyu turns to return to his bedroom and almost drops the glass of water at the sight of Yeonjun leaning against the doorframe. “Someone’s up late,” the oldest hums, a knowing look in his eyes, “or should I say early?”
“Yeah,” Beomgyu breathes, once he’s steadied himself, “Do you want water?” Yeonjun shakes his head at the offer, instead moving to hug the younger’s behind.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, by the way. Sorry about that.”
Beomgyu hums, “You didn’t, don’t worry.”
“But your heart is beating really fast,” Yeonjun quips. Beomgyu laughs awkwardly in reply. His hands shake slightly, but he’s going to ignore it. (He always does.) They fall in a comfortable silence. Yeonjun is an even pressure on Beomgyu’s back and he can feel himself relaxing further into his hyung’s embrace. It’s safe and warm and it reminds him of their trainee days when they had to neglect their physical - and mental - health just for a chance at debut. And now they’re almost three years past debt and Yeonjun still feels safe and warm. He’s okay. They’re okay.
Beomgyu feels the tears slip before he has a chance to stop them. He lets out silent sobs. Yeonjun continues to back hug him. Beomgyu knows that Yeonjun knows that he’s crying, but the older doesn’t say anything. He simply squeezes his dongsaeng’s waist a little tighter, and kisses his neck and whispers ‘I love you’ into his ear.
It’s 5 AM when they finally slip under the covers of Yeonjun’s bed. Beomgyu protests, “Won’t Binnie be lonely?” Yeonjun simply shakes his head, sighing lightly and then gently pushes Beomgyu closer to the wall so that he himself can lay down next to him.
☀️☀️☀️
Normally, mornings in the dorm are beyond hectic, their manager arrives and promptly walks out again, telling them that he’ll wait in the car. He usually mumbles something along the lines of being ‘too old to be dealing with these children’. But today, it’s calm and quiet. Beomgyu wakes up to an empty room (without a nightmare plaguing his thoughts this time and he’s extremely grateful for it). Soobin’s bed is made neatly, pillows fluffed and everything. Beomgyu almost rolls his eyes. He can’t find Yeonjun either, but that’s okay. They’re all probably in the kitchen or the living room.
Except when he finally stretches and goes to look, they’re not. He can feel his hands shaking, but he wills himself to not panic. Shakily, he travels back to the bedroom and picks up his phone. It immediately lights up with a message as if knowing his despair. It’s from Soobin.
morning, gyu!! yeonjun and i needed to meet with some of the managers, taehyun went to the gym, and kai has vocal practice so don’t worry too much if you wake up to an empty dorm. kai should be back by 12. see you soon! ily <3 - S
Beomgyu heaves a deep breath. They’re all safe. He didn’t fail. It’s not real. He can feel his heart rate slow and his hands shake a little less. He slides down, leading his back against the bed and laughing at himself. “I’m so stupid,” he breathes. His shoulders sag, he pushes the threatening tears away and pushes himself up.
He busies himself with making coffee while scrolling through twitter. He posts a quick selca, knowing how much MOA have missed him recently. As he scrolls, he notices MOAs discussing ‘how tired beomgyu looks recently’. Beomgyu taps onto the thread and notices how concerned MOAs are for him. He doesn’t know where he wants to cry from humiliation or from how much they care about him. He doesn’t know so he does neither. He takes his finished coffee, drinking it as quickly as he can without burning his tongue, and once he’s finished dives under the covers of Kai’s bed.
The smell of Kai immediately comforts him. Beomgyu can feel himself relaxing almost instantaneously and he’s so relaxed, he considers trying to sleep, but before he can try, the front door is slammed open, and Kai’s infamous squeal of ‘Honey, I’m home!’ echoes through the dorm. Beomgyu giggles quietly to himself. He can’t be asked to move so he stays under the covers and waits for Kai to come to him.
“Bam hyung? Bin hyung said you were home,” Kai eventually enters their shared room, and spots the lump underneath his covers. Without a second thought, he bounds up to the bed and jumps on top of the older. Beomgyu lets out a groan at the added weight, but otherwise doesn’t move. Kai giggles like the action is the funniest thing in the world. Beomgyu joins him not too long after.
“Let’s go somewhere, hyung,” Kai asks after a moment of silence. Beomgyu raises an eyebrow, rising from the covers. “We haven’t spent much time together, and we don’t have group dance practice until 6,” the maknae reasons.
And Beomgyu has never been one to deny Kai anything. “Okay.”
☀️☀️☀️
For the first time in a while, Beomgyu is actually enjoying himself. He lets himself go and just spends time with Kai. They go to the main shopping centre, only a 10 minute walk from their dorm. Kai drags him into shop after shop. They try on clothes, and end up having a small fashion show in the changing room, laughing until their stomachs tie up in knots. They eat from the small carts that are dotted around the centre. They laugh until they cry and Beomgyu enjoys himself.
Eventually, they sit themselves down in a small café for a drink. “You came home late again, Bam hyung,” Kai pouts. Beomgyu wants to kiss his pout away so badly, but since they’re in public, he instead grins brightly.
“Sorry, Ning,” Beomgyu pouts back. “I promise we can cuddle as much as you want today after practice.” At that, Kai practically beams with happiness. Beomgyu squeezes the younger’s cheeks in his head.
They finish their drinks and head back to the dorm. They’re greeted with Yeonjun cuddling Taehyun, and Soobin pouting in the single arm chair, while glaring at them. Kai turns to Taehyun. “He lost rock, paper, scissors again, didn’t he?” Kai asks, already laughing at the image of Soobin losing the game yet again. Taehyun giggles, nodding. “Don’t worry, hyungie. One day you’ll win,” Kai tries, but Soobin continues his pouting.
Beomgyu lowers himself on top of the leader and cuddles close to him. “Well, now you have me to cuddle with!” Beomgyu announces. Soobin pout is instantly replaced with a bright smile. The whole room erupts into laughter at that. Beomgyu feels at home.
They keep cuddling until the manager enters the dorm. He sees all of them cuddling, Kai and Taehyun already asleep, and smiles softly. Then bangs two pot lids together to wake them up and smirks evilly when Yeonjun jumps 10 feet into the air, sending the maknaes to the ground. “You guys have 5 minutes before we leave for dance practice.” The groans he hears in response cause him to laugh on his way out.
Eventually (after many casualties - Soobin’s sanity being one of them), the 5 of them pile into the van. Beomgyu startles when he feels someone pulling his head onto a shoulder, mumbling a firm ‘sleep’ into his hair. “It’s a 15 minute drive, at least sleep a little bit. I’ll be here to wake you up,” Soobin promises. Beomgyu feels his body melt a little when Soobin presses a kiss to the crown of his head. He knows he won’t sleep, but the comfortable atmosphere is nice to revel in.
☀️☀️☀️
“Beomgyu! This is the tenth time you’ve messed up!” The choreographer shouts after yet another misstep from Beomgyu. He bows profusely, but she ignores it. “That’s enough for today. I can’t deal with this today. I want better tomorrow,” then she walks out, slamming the door shut behind her. Beomgyu winces at the loud sound of the door.
“I’m sorry, guys. I didn’t mean-”
“She was harsh, Beomgyu, but you do need to work a little better. The comeback is in a month and we still need to learn the other choreo,” Soobin reasons. Beomgyu tries not to show the hurt on his face. The others stay quiet, but Beomgyu can see the agreement in their eyes. Beomgyu nods silently. He doesn’t have it in him to disagree with them. They all begin to pack while Beomgyu glares at himself through the mirror.
Just a stupid failure.
The other four file out of the practice room. No one bothers to ask Beomgyu if he’s coming. They all know he isn’t. Beomgyu sets the music on loop. And he dances. He dances and dances and dances and he doesn’t stop until his legs scream at him to. His head spins in every direction and he feels sick, but he pushes through. He could see the disappointment on everyone’s faces after he messed up multiple times. He isn’t good enough. He’s not trying hard enough. He hates how much it affects him.
He doesn’t know what time it is when he stops dancing to gulp down his energy drink. He doesn’t care to find out what time it is. All he knows is that he’s been in the practice room for a large amount of hours and he has made almost no progress. The room door swings open, banging against the wall, sending Beomgyu 5 feet in the air. Behind the door is a timid looking Kai, and a slightly agitated Taehyun, who starts to pack Beomgyu’s things.
“You two should be asleep. Why are you here?” Beomgyu inquires, struggling to process what’s going on while Taehyun shoves everything inside the tiny backpack.
“You should be sleeping too, Beomie hyung,” Taehyun responds, a pointed look on his face.
“Touché.” Beomgyu disconnects his phone from the speaker. “But still… Why are you here? You all went home,” his confusion increases when Taehyun sends a glare to Kai.
“Are you gonna tell him or should I?” Taehyun urges, nodding his head toward the oldest of the maknae line.
Kai fiddles with the sleeves of his hoodie, boring holes into the floor with his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep so I went to the storage cupboard again…” His voice trails off, but it’s enough for Beomgyu to understand what happened. He puts on a sympathetic smile and pats the maknae’s shoulder, sharing a concerned look with Taehyun.
“We talked about this, Ning.”
“I know. I’m sorry…” His eyes fill with tears, but they don’t fall. Instead he wipes them with his hoodie sleeve and quickly plasters on a small smile. Taehyun hums at the apology, satisfied. He looks over the room one last time to check nothing has been left, and then he ushers the other two outside.
Beomgyu shivers, but then he feels a tap on his shoulder and Kai is offering his hoodie to him. Beomgyu goes to protest, but Kai is pouting with the biggest puppy dog eyes he has ever seen, and… well he just can’t say ‘no’. The hoodie is big on Kai so it absolutely swallows him when he puts it on.
“Are you guys trying to kidnap me or something?” Beomgyu jokes.
Their laughter can be heard in the quiet of the streets.
☀️☀️☀️
“BG, are you okay?” Yeonjun asks, concern playing in his voice. He looks the younger over worriedly.
“Of course, YJ. Why wouldn’t I be?” Beomgyu quickly dismisses. He shoots a smile at Yeonjun, and seems to be enough to satisfy him because he then leaves to both a tired Soobin.
In all honesty, Beomgyu was far from okay. It’s been over 4 days since he last slept properly, and it’s starting to have an effect on him. He can’t remember the last time he ate something that wasn’t energy drinks, coffee, or protein bars. His body sways slightly as he watches Taehyun chase Kai around the practice room, while Yeonjun tries to kiss every place on the leader’s face. Beomgyu stands in the corner of the room, trying to keep up the illusion that he is okay, but it’s getting increasingly harder to do so.
His head spins, even more intensely than it had in past incidents. His ears ring painfully and he isn’t entirely sure where the wall ends and the floor begins. Someone’s shouting his name. He doesn’t know who, and he can’t figure it out. He can feel his legs about to give out from under him and it reminds him almost too much of his nightmares. There are too many similarities. His heart squeezes in fear. He can hear the screams of his members screaming his name, asking for help. He’s exhausted and barely able to control his movements.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Beomie hyung?” Beomgyu turns and is vaguely able to see Taehyun standing next to him, “it’s okay if you’re not okay to dance, hyung. It’s just a practice-”
“I said I’m fine,” Beomgyu snaps. He doesn't mean to, but he does anyway. “It’s just a headache, I’m probably just dehydrated,” he excuses himself to walk on unstable legs, taking a swig from his water bottle. There are black spots in his vision, but he ignores them. Taehyun’s eyebrows furrow and the unbalanced movements of his hyung.
“He’s not okay,” Kai mutters quietly, “He hasn’t come home the past two days.” They both know they won’t be able to do anything about it. Everyone and their mothers know how stubborn Beomgyu can be. Getting him to take even the smallest of breaks would be next to impossible. Dance practice continues and all the members watch Beomgyu struggle to keep up, always one step behind where he should be.
The song is almost over, but Beomgyu can feel every nerve in his system shutting down. His head pounces ferociously, but he doesn't stop himself. He just had to finish one more hour. His body is relying solely on muscle memory so he narrowly misses the cue for ‘Cat & Dog’. He curses himself for messing up yet again. He’s meant to be a dancer, he can’t slack off like this. After 3 years, he should be better than this.
Beomgyu feels sick and cold, and his body is trembling uncontrollably. He starts panicking when he realises everything around him is fading; he can’t hear the music or the squeak of trainers against the floor, the lights are blinding him, and he feels himself spiralling into his nightmares without even being asleep. He can’t control his body anymore, and his movements are not his own, and his hands are shaking more violently than ever before. He vaguely hears someone shout his name over the loud ringing, but everything goes black before he can figure out who it is.
The music stops immediately. Kai’s loud “Bam hyung!” breaks the complete silence the practice room is thrown into. Taehyun is frozen in place while Soobin and Yeonjun rush to their member’s side.
“Come on, Gyu. Wake up,” Soobin’s trembles as he lifts Beomgyu’s head into his lap, “Jun hyung, can you lift his legs up, please?” No time is wasted as Yeonjun stumbles to gently lift the younger’s legs. He tries to stop his hands from shaking, but it doesn’t work that well. Kai and Taehyun hold onto each other, sobbing quietly.
What feels like an eternity later, Beomgyu’s eyes open. He feels someone is constantly drilling into his skull. He’s disorientated and the lights are almost as blinding as they had been when he passed out. His eyelids weigh tons to him, but he tries his best to keep his eyes open.
“Hyung! Hyung, you scared us so much!” Kai chokes out, he tentatively takes a step forward, closer to his hyung.
“What… What happened?” Beomgyu’s voice is slurred, and he’s really struggling to keep himself awake.
“You passed out, Gyu. We’re going back to the dorm,” Soobin informs him. That has Beomgyu shooting up and out of Soobin’s lap (and has Soobin pushing him back down to his lap again). He curses himself. How had he let this happen? How had things gotten this bad? He can see the sadness and guilt riddled on every one of his members’ faces. He’s fucked up so badly. Mood maker, my ass. He feels Taehyun squeeze his hand, and Beomgyu has to use everything he has to not burst into tears there and then.
“I’m tired. I’m so tired, guys. It’s been days- weeks - I don’t even know anymore! I’m just so tired! If I sleep, the darkness will take you away… I can’t be alone, not again…” Beomgyu's voice starts to fade into whisper. Soobin holds him a little tighter, Taehyun squeezes his hard a little harder, and Beomgyu knows they’re safe. They’re all here. They’re okay.
“It’s okay, angel. It’s okay. I promise that you’re safe. We’re all safe,” Soobin reassures, “now tell me, when was the last time you slept?” And Beomgyu racks his brain. He really does, but he has absolutely no idea when he last got a wink of sleep, and that almost sends him into more panic.
“I don’t- I don’t know. I can’t remember,” his voice hitches, but Yeonjun interjects, quietly reassuring him, telling him that it’s okay, and that he’s okay. The constant reassurance does somewhat help, but it does nothing to stop the tears falling from his eyes. He feels so ashamed. He should be better than this.
There are hushed whispers between the other members while Beomgyu tries to clear the fog in his mind, but then he sees Kai and Taehyun leaving the practice room, and he lets out a borderline wail for them to not leave.
Soobin is quick to stop another breakdown. “They’re just going back to the dorm, Gyu. It’s okay. I promise they’ll be okay.” The leader exchanges a worried look with Yeonjun. Whatever is going on with Beomgyu, it’s serious. But for now, they’ll swaddle him in blankets and get to sleep, before coaxing the younger into talking.
☀️☀️☀️
A fort is waiting for them when they arrive back at the dorm. Beomgyu wants to forget everything that has happened in the past 10 minutes, but he knows there is absolutely no way of getting out of this confrontation. So once everyone has settled inside the fort, comfortable (and safe ), he starts talking.
He steels himself, taking a deep breath while his members wait patiently. Then he begins, “I’ve been having nightmares for weeks now, and they’re all about you being taken away from me…it’s the same nightmare repeating over and over and over so I stopped trying to sleep so that I wouldn’t have to face the horrors my brain supplied me, but it made everything worse because I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t get any work done,” he lets out a small sob, “and then the dance instructors were getting mad at me, and then I thought I was just doing badly at everything, and-” he stops, trying to compose himself before continuing, “this is all I have, and I would hate to think what life would be like if I didn’t have all of you in my life. I’m so sorry.”
There’s silence. Beomgyu shuffles, uncomfortable with the quiet in the usually loud dorm.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone, hyungie,” Kai starts, effectively breaking the silence and almost making Beomgyu break his neck. “It must’ve been hard. Sorry I- we didn’t notice.” Beomgyu gapes when the others nod in agreement.
“We’ll talk about it more tomorrow, Beomie hyung. Right now, you need sleep. I promise we’ll protect you.” Taehyun declares. Beomgyu’s heart swells with happiness and pride. He leans his head on Yeonjun’s shoulder, softly humming in approval when the oldest starts to card his fingers through his hair.
Soobin whispers, “We’ll always be there to protect you, Gyu,” and with that sentiment, Beomgyu lets his eyes fall shut, successfully closing the door on the world. “Sleep well, angel.”
☀️ B O N U S ☀️
Beomgyu presses pause on the track, eyes hopeful as he gages his members’ reactions. “So…what do you think?” He knows that they’ll love it, but it’s still nerve-racking every time he shows them a new piece.
“It’s…wow- I-”
“Amazing. Show stopping. Beautiful. Fantabulous. Stunning-”
“I literally cannot wait until I get to start choreographing it.”
Beomgyu’s smile is wide as he looks at his members with the fondest expression. The lyrics Yeonjun had come up with were almost too perfect. He’s so glad that the members agree. They all crowd around the laptop, begging for Beomgyu to play it ‘just one more time’. Beomgyu just chuckles, while pressing play again.
Off to the side, Taehyun nudges him, using his eyes to ask if the older is okay. Beomgyu smiles. It’s all he’s been able to do, and Taehyun knows, grinning back. The second maknae steals a quick peck from Beomgyu’s lips before joining Kai in squealing over the song. Beomgyu blushes, but there’s still a wide smile on his face.
This is happiness - his happiness. Beomgyu knows that he’d do anything for the four people sitting in front of him, and he also knows that they think the exact same thing. The five of them are strong. Nothing will be able to break them. They’re his family.
And he loves them.