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i.
The time spent at Hellgate has taken it’s toll.
Matthias tries to ignore the dull ache of his legs, tries to welcome the frozen breath of the ice as the night closes in on them. It hasn’t truly been that long since he’s been in his country and yet he has grown soft.
His hands still ache from when he had dug a shallow grave with Nina but he tries to avoid flexing his fingers. They are close by the city now, soon they will be able to join the warmth of the upcoming celebrations.
The demjin and the Sulli girl appear to be having some kind of silent conversation while walking ahead of the group. He had thought the cane was another one of his deceits but he can tell now how a couple of miles ago he started dragging his leg, imperceptibly reaching down to press down with his fingers against it every 20 steps. His face doesn’t show anything but Matthias has spent almost too much of his life learning how to notice things about people they don’t want to show. It’s what made him a great Drüskelle.
Nina walks a few steps ahead of him – she’s been quiet ever since the pyres and the attack, and yet he does not take her silence for grief. He knows by the way she clenches her hand that the memory of what had happened, her people massacred and corrupted by that drug. He pushes down the warm thing threatening to unfurl in his chest at the reminder of the deal they had struck. His traitorous heart and his weak body longs for any form of closeness to her.
Push it down.
Whichever path his thoughts were about to take – he is interrupted by mindless chattering behind him.
The tall boy with the guns seems almost worst than the demjin at times. He cares for little next to nothing. Everything appears to be a joke to him. Wylan does appear to have some qualities that might set him apart from this group of criminals they have fallen with.
“You need to stop your teeth from chattering merchling,” Jesper says “You are going to attract every wolf pack near by.”
Wylan shivers a bit and even with the low sunlight Matthias can see his cheeks and his nose are red. “Do you think there are wolf packs here? So close to the city?”
Jesper makes a face that is way too theatrical to be serious. “Have you not heard the Fjerdian legend about the man who turned into a wolf?”
Wylan eyes flicker with something close to fear for a second.
“There is no such story.” Matthias says and Jesper looks at him with a glint with mischief.
Wylan scowls. “You need to stop doing that!” He says as he turns to Jesper. “It’s annoying.”
“You need to stop being so gullible merchling.” Jesper says. “I am just helping you get used to it for when we go back to the Barrel.”
“I’ve done fine without you so far.” Wylan says – his cheeks look somehow redder than before.
“Are you rejecting my protection?” Jesper slaps a hand over his chest as if he had been wounded.
Wylan says something else but it’s too quiet for Matthias to hear. He does notice however that Wylan is no longer shivering and his teeth stop chattering – too focused on his fight with Jesper to even think of the cold.
Jesper keeps him talking until they reach the city. Matthias thinks maybe he was mistaken – maybe the boy cares about something than isn’t his guns.
ii.
Rotty stares ahead – the open sea with night falling over them as quickly as the sun fades by the end of the horizon. It’s the last night at sea and he finds himself missing it already – he likes the Barrel just fine but nothing beats the freedom the salt wind on your face brings.
The ship is silent – he has barely seen the rest of the crew since they returned from their insane heist. Nina is locked away in one of the rooms with the Fjerdian – they have been there for days and he knows best but to wonder what they are doing. Inej sits on top of the foremast – or he presumes she does and Kaz stands right in her line of sight at the start of the deck.
Jesper is the only one who keeps pacing around, swinging his guns and running his fingers over the pearl handles just to ensure they are still there. He moves from one point to the deck to the other for hours, as if he is trying to make the ship go faster just with his will.
Like every night – the hostage comes up when the dark has fallen. And like every night, when Jesper has grown tired of walking from one place to the other he leans against the banister and the hostage takes his place besides him.
They never talk – he is not sure the Shu boy can even speak Kerch. He has seen this same scene every night and Jesper never stops looking bewildered, but he never says anything. Sometimes loneliness doesn’t let one pick who to chase it away with.
He watches them for a while and when he is about to look a way – for an fleeting second – he sees the boy turn to look at Jesper.
Jesper doesn’t move – if he feels the eyes on him he doesn’t give any indication of it. But even with just the moon illuminating the deck Rotty can see the quiet emotion going through his eyes.
A second later he looks away.
The boy won’t make it a day in the Barrel going around with all his emotions written all over his face like that. On the other hand – if he is looking that way at Jesper, he thinks Kaz will have no trouble keeping him as a hostage. The boy might even be looking forward to it.
iii.
Mr. Van Eck is a kind person. Much kinder that his father had ever been.
Jane has been working for the family since she turned sixteen. The entire family has worked in the state since it had been bought. She manages well enough around the kitchen, cutting vegetables and helping her mother cook and letting her pass on the knowledge on how the Lord likes his tea and how he likes to keep the door to sitting room closed when he receives his guests in his study room.
His mother is a kind quiet woman, who takes her tea in the winter garden every morning and likes painting soft portraits. What Jane is really curious about is – Mr. Van Ecks business partner.
She blushes every time Mr. Fahey addresses her – always while insisting she is not to call him Mr. Fahey - and she does not think he notices at all. All she knows about him is that all of the staff know better than to disturb them when they lock themselves away in the office.
It’s a silly fantasy she likes to play out whenever she’s busy peeling potatoes, about the day the Mr. Fahey would start a conversation with her and they would start – well they would start something. It’s foolish – Mr. Fahey is kind but it’s obvious he is not interested in much else than business and the shooting range they’ve built in one of the gardens. Mr. Van Eck pays them all handsomely to look the other way of his strange actions and weird visits from the barrels and from Ravka.
It is maybe that daydreaming that makes her walk around the state in a careless manner while doing her cleaning during the day where the cardinal rule of staying away from the library when the door is closed must be followed. She is thinking about how incredible Mr. Fahey had looked after he came back from his shooting range – eyes wild and body almost vibrating in a way that made her blush - when she pushes the library door open – and then she freezes.
She knows she is intruding in something she should have not seen in the first place. Mr. Fahey is spread out on chair – his long fingers holding up an old book and his other hand is carding through Mr. Van Eck’s hair. Mr. Van Eck is spread out on top of him, smiling.
He is reading to him, Jane realizes. It’s the calmest she has ever seen Mr. Fahey.
“…Am I wrong to presume that you would pursue me?” Mr. Fahey says, he is making a funny voice and Mr. Van Eck laughs – a full belly laugh. He look very young for a minute, he leans back against Mr. Fahey chest, his red-golden hair falling around his head like a halo.
“Jes,” Mr. Van Eck says softly and then Mr. Fahey leans in and kisses him.
Mr. Fahey long fingers drop the book to the floor, it lands on the carpet with a soft thud. His hand goes into Mr. Van Eck curly hair, pressing with urgency against his mouth. Jane’s heart hammers in her throat and she takes a silent step back and another, making sure she is far away enough to not be heard when she finally lets out the gasp that had been lodged in her chest.
She had heard plenty from her cousins who usually did the cleaning and fed the horses about running into Mr. Van Eck and his partner in different states of undress in inappropriate places. They had made the whole affair sound like something dirty.
It’s not. Jane has seen enough dirty deeds – she has lived in the Barrel since she was born after all. If there was a way to describe what she had seen passed between them, she did not know it yet.
After that it had been easy to notice, the way Mr. Fahey looked at Mr. Van Eck whenever he sat by the piano to play, adoration mixed with admiration. His eyes softened in a way Jane had only dreamed she would one day see directed at her.
Jane felt the corners of her mouth turn up whenever she caught them leaning a bit too close when she was serving supper, or saw them stepping out of a room flustered whenever she purposely loudly stepped close.
There were rumors around all of Ketterdam – rumors her mother shushed with intent, not wanting to hear such things about their patrons. Mr. Van Eck is one of the most powerful merchants in town – it’s only natural that there would be rumors about him. Jane had even heard a whisper once about how he was keeping a Grisha as his companion in the state.
Now when she hears the rumors Jane ignores them. The truth is something simple, delicate and small and yet so big it seems to fill the room when Mr. Fahey stares at Mr. Van Eck over his teacup while she’s serving breakfast.
It’s love.
iv.
The dock is silent when she gets off the boat.
It’s strange for any place in Ketterdam to be quiet – Inej knows the map of the city like the back of her hand, remembers the path to everywhere through the roofs while watching the street pulse with something alive, something rotten under her watchful eye.
Every time she comes back she feels certain fear – that she has forgotten somehow of the paths she always knew so well. Ketterdam has changed and yet it is still the same in some ways – and when she climbs and jumps defying gravity, it’s like she’s 12 and back on the tightrope, it’s like she’s 17 and still watching silently over Kaz. It’s like she’s 20 and the captain of her own ship – watching from the foremast the ship of slavers she is going to sink.
She takes the long path – she likes going by the building that used to be The Menagerie closed down – and after a while she feels light as a feather, the only welcome weight of her saints against her hips and chest.
The Financial district is much quieter – here was were her talents were truly used. It was easy to move around The Barrel – the loud music, the gunshots, she wasn’t sure anyone who didn’t intend would be heard. But here, everything is quiet. The light inside each house shines through the clean crystals of the windows. She hears soft piano music as she moves from one house to the other.
When she gets to the Van Eck state she sees all the windows are dark – Wylan likes to let the staff go early so they can do whatever they want and his mother likes sleeping early. There is only one window that still has the light on – the library.
The time Inej had stayed there she remembers how reluctant Wylan had looked when walking by the room. His whole body stiffened and he picked up the pace – even more so than when he walked in front of his fathers office.
But after a week or so – it had stopped. Inej tried not to pry as curious as she was, she didn’t want to do that to her friends. The curios answer to her riddle came unintentionally – a night she was returning from meeting Kaz at the Crow Club and when slipping through the hallway window she was forced to walk by the library door.
The door is set ajar, soft light spilling onto the hallway carpet and someone is singing – her curiosity gets the best of her and she takes just a quick look…
…to find Jesper pulling Wylan around the room, singing ridiculously and dancing in a way that would not be respectable for any social function. A forgotten open book laid by the chair next to the fireplace and Wylan was laughing – his body moving with it while Jesper continued to pull them around the room while singing “…I love you, I love you, I love you….”
The scene she finds now when she drops to the windowsill is much different.
Jesper is sitting on the reading chair but he doesn’t look relaxed, his body tense – tense like he had been all the times Inej had found him after a night spent next to the Makkers’ Wheel. His lip are set in a fine line and he keeps moving his legs against the floor.
Wylan is kneeling in front of him – his hands clasping Jesper wrists. There are tears in his eyes.
Oh. Inej realizes. They are having an argument.
She should go – she should get back on the roof and go anywhere else – leave them to it but she feels anchored to the place where she is hanging. Wylan and Jesper, she realizes, have been a constant in her life – something she has looked at like she did at her parents when she was a little girl. A kind of easy love that has no folds, no darkness to fall over it. She feels her heart stuttering in her chest at the prospect of them breaking apart.
“I’m sorry,” Jesper says and his voice sounds rough. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“No, no – Jes,” Wylan says and he leans forward. “Thank you for telling me – I know it must not have been easy for you.”
“I hate letting you down.” Jesper mutters and it sounds like every word is painful for him to say.
“You haven’t let me down.” Wylan says and he sounds so sincere, his hands move from Jesper’s wrists to his face, his pale fingers seem even paler against Jesper’s dark skin. “Jes, please – I know that – I know this isn’t a straight line – I know it’s normal for you to – but the important thing is that you trust with this.”
Jesper stays quiet for a bit and he stares at his own hands, playing with one of his rings. “You’re too good for me.” He finally says.
Wylan stops moving his fingers across Jesper’s cheekbones. His eyes go from a complete softness to something fierce. Not anger, something else.
“Jesper, shut up.” Wylan says and he grips Jesper face, brings him forward to press their foreheads together. “Stop being dense.” He says and then the corner of his mouth pulls up before he says. “You’re cuter when you’re smart.”
Jesper closes his eyes but Inej can see, even with the shadows dancing against his face that there is a small smile playing on his face.
Wylan leans closer – his lips are almost touching Jesper’s and he starts humming low “…I love you I love you I love you…”
And Jesper laughs – Inej finds herself smiling along with him – his laugh is one of the best sounds she knows, sincere and makes him shake all over – his eyes crinkle and he kisses Wylan while laughing against his mouth.
Suddenly the shadows seem to move out of the room – it is all flooded by the light of Jesper’s laugh and Wylan’s smile pressed against his lips. Inej feels her heart beating slower – the confidence of a quiet display of love unfolding and being pressed against her treasured memories.
She flips to the window of the hallway, making sure she makes enough noise to be noticed.
v.
David has to admit he does enjoy travelling.
Genya loves it – as much as they both enjoy the little palace and the home they’ve carved for themselves, she likes the trade and in Ketterdam she can obtain almost anything she wants to get his hands on for tailoring.
He thinks this will be one of the last trips – or one of the last they have an excuse for. At first he had been dubious when Genya had mentioned that Wylan had reached out to ask if there was any chance of him helping Jesper train.
David doesn’t know them – but Genya seems to think they are quite adorable. And she asks so of course he says yes.
He had never taught anyone before so he was certain he would not be any good at it – but it turns out he is not. Jesper is a good student, albeit a bit unfocused. He talks a lot and fills the silences – the many silences – but he does learn fast. It doesn’t take him long to notice that he’s actually been drawing from his small science constantly – redirecting the bullets from his prized guns.
When he arrives this time one of the members of the staff tells him Jesper is waiting for him in the office. She guides him to the door and when he opens the door he finds the other man staring through the window, leaning on himself. He is dressed in bright yellow and green lime and he turns smiling as soon as he hears the door.
“I’d like you to help me,” Jesper says. “I know it’s a bit unusual. But I want to turn this room into something else.”
David mulls over the words. “I don’t think I understand.”
“This was Wylan’s father office.” Jesper says and his shoulder tense as soon as he starts speaking. “His father was a horrible person – he was especially horrible to Wylan.”
David doesn’t speak.
“This was the place where he was especially horrible to him.” Jesper explains. “And Wylan’s been brave and he comes in here sometimes but it feels like this part of the house has a like a black cloud over it. Like he is never going to be able to let go of all of that if this place sits here – like a mausoleum.”
David thinks of Genya’s delicate hands sewing a beautiful golden thread into her eyepatch. She never needed fixing. But David still likes to present her with beautiful things. Things she deserves.
He thinks of the tiny metal figurines Wylan has lined up on the library window. Jesper made those the first week of training.
He thinks. He understands.
“Of course.” He says and Jesper smiles.
vi.
The Crow Club looks the same every time she comes back.
It’s hard coming back to Ketterdam – every memory of each place seems to be permeated with Matthias and the wound is still too tender, even after time has passed. She fears it will always be too tender.
But Ketterdam is their meeting point. It’s where Wylan and Jesper and Kaz are and it’s where Inej comes. She longs to see them, misses Jesper’s jokes and Wylan’s sweet smile, Inej’s kind words and even Kaz biting sarcasm.
The club is filled with people, coming and going from the streets, people playing cards and drinking. Inej is sitting by her side, nursing a drink she’s been drinking for an hour or so and smiling gently when Nina brings up the legend of the Wraith once again.
Kaz is somewhere near. Business is business.
Wylan and Jesper had said they were getting more drinks – about an hour ago. She can spot them whenever she turns. Wylan is sitting by the bar, Jesper has been consistently getting close and at this point he has him pressed against his chair, towering over him.
Even from the distance Wylan’s cheeks are bright red but Nina can see his finger running up and down Jesper’s arm – dragging on the ridiculous red silk of the shirt he is wearing.
Jesper leans down and presses the side of his face against Wylan’s, he is standing between his open legs and he presses the long line of his body against Wylan’s as well. He must be muttering something into his ear because the tip of Wylan’s ears turn red but when Jesper pulls away he bites his lips and looks up through his eyelashes.
The little minx.
She wants to laugh when she remembers little sixteen-year-old Wylan spluttering and turning bright red whenever Jesper said anything – now he’s sitting there still blushing but playing along.
“You’d think the honeymoon phase would be over at this point.” Inej says “It’s been 5 years.”
Jesper does laugh – loud and infectious – she hears over the music and the yelling. She turns around to look at them again and a second later he leans down and he kisses Wylan. He really kisses him – even from a distance Nina can see it’s a dirty kiss, Jesper’s hand slides down Wylan’s back and –
Out of nowhere Kaz slams his cane on the bar next to them.
She can’t hear for the distance but she senses Inej immediately turns to look as if Kaz’ presence alone could summon her full attention. Kaz says something – probably about them scaring off his beloved pigeons and Jesper laughs again – throws his head back but his hands don’t move from Wylan’s hips. Wylan looks very much like a child getting scolded.
There was a time – seems like a lifetime ago, when Jesper’s entire mood would have shifted just because of an imperceptible twist of Kaz’s mouth. She had known of course, how his heart sped up, how it stuttered.
Now Jesper looks relaxed. His feet are not tapping against the floor, his hands aren’t moving restlessly. He doesn’t seem upset at all by Kaz. In fact – he leans down and kisses Wylan again – pushing him against the bar. Kaz rolls his eyes but he grabs his cane and makes his way towards her and Inej.
She longs for the feeling of that steady beating of happiness she knows must be flowing through both of them.
It is a strange thing to witness in the Barrel – love and happiness on display without any of the dirty exchanges that go on in every corner tainting it.
“They are banned from my club.” Kaz says as soon as he sits down. “I’m telling Rotty to put up the posters.”
Nina snorts. “Good luck finding someone else to make your bulletproof coats for that fee.”
Inej snickers.
“I am so giving my dear Nina,” Jesper says, he comes from the bar holding several drinks in his hand that are probably warm by now. He is bringing Wylan along with his other hand.
He drops the drinks on the table and drops himself on a chair, pulling Wylan into the one next to him – he never lets go of his hand.
“I am allowed to be,” He finally continues and looks at Wylan, the way he does when he is about to say something to embarrass him. “My husband is very rich, I don’t know if you’ve heard.”
Wylan does blush but he leans forward and pulls Jesper down – and they are kissing again, Jesper pressing Wylan into his chair.
“Banned.” Says Kaz.