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The reaper stared up at the ceiling from her bed. Her eyes felt tired as she watched the soft light from the tv dance with the shadows. The faint noise of whatever forgotten thing playing on the television was hazy in her ears. She'd put it on for distraction some time ago.
It wasn't working.
It was like she was trapped in a vortex. And no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, or push it aside, it kept dragging her back down into that abyss.
Calli just wanted to sleep. She thought maybe the light from the tv was the problem, so she turned it off.
Maybe some music would be better...
The reaper lifted herself slightly to fish for her phone on the night stand beside the bed in the newly pitch black room. She tapped on the screen when she finally got ahold of it, but there was no response. She pressed down on the power button and a red image of a depleted battery flashed on the screen. The reaper collapsed back on her bed, defeated.
Sometimes silence can be really loud.
The storm of feelings she had been trying to keep at bay crashed into her all at once. And as tears began to break through her defenses, Calli let herself be pulled down into that darkness.
But only for a moment.
In the next the reaper opened her eyes and rose from her bed. She made her way out of her room. Behind her, the darkness beckoned, but her feet followed the soft warmth back to its source.
Standing in front of her roommates door, Calli dried her eyes and attempted to make herself look a little more put together.
She knocked lightly on the door, praying for there to be no answer.
It would be way too awkward if she was awake...
Luckily there wasn't. She slowly opened the door and closed it behind her. The aura of the room was calming. Three mellow lights drew her attention. The first was an orangish red coming from the ever fluffy Chokers, who was peacefully snoozing at the foot of the bed near her owner’s feet. Next was an only slightly brighter greenish blue from Smoothie, who was perched precariously on top of the headboard of the bed.
How can that even be comfortable...
As if hearing her thought the teal cat meowed at her.
Calli brought a finger to her lips as she quietly shushed the cat.
‘Go back to sleep’, she whispered.
She walked further into the room as her eyes fixated on the final light. An iridescent rainbow glow irradiated from the sleeping phoenix. Part of the reaper felt a twinge of guilt at the idea of waking her up, but the thought of how the firebird would react if she found out that she didn't made her shiver with dread.
She stopped for a moment to think about what she'd say. When she was ready enough, she cleared her throat.
Be cool Mori…
She gently shook the phoenix's shoulder.
‘Yo Kiara…’
The bird stirred, making a small noise in protest to the new stimulation.
So the reaper shook a bit harder
‘Kiara wake up…’
Kiara finally opened her eyes and looked at her roommate with sleepy concern.
‘Hmm Calli, what's wrong?’
The phoenix's voice was gravely with sleep.
The reaper shifted on her feet under the sincerity of Kiara's gaze.
‘I um... You were having a nightmare so I came to check in on you to make sure you were ok.’
The reaper watched the concern on her phoenix's face fade into a knowing smile. She rested her head back on the pillow
‘Mmm yes I was having such a terrible nightmare Calli…’ she cooed in faux appreciation.
‘Thank you for coming to my rescue, my Mori…’
‘Yea... Any time my dude…’
Calli pretended not to notice Kiara’s tone.
‘I just wanted to make sure you were good... And you know...I um… I could stay with you…’ the reaper’s voice trailed off.
‘What was that Calli? I couldn't quite hear you.’ the firebird teased.
‘I mean I could stay with you- just for tonight- ya know, in case you needed help falling back asleep... Ya know, after the nightmare and all....’
‘My my that's so very thoughtful of you Calli…’
The rapper could feel her façade beginning to crack, watching the phoenix sleepily scooch over in the bed to make room.
Just as soon as Kiara raised the blanket for Calli to join her, the reaper dove into the bed.
After she finished getting comfortable, the reaper could feel Kiara playing with the hem of her shirt.
‘May I?‘
There was a short pause.
‘I'm not gonna do anything weird, promise.’
Calli finally gave a curt nod.
The reaper's shirt fell haphazardly onto the floor, followed shortly by Kiara's.
Laying on her side, Calli could feel the comforting warmth of Kiara's chest pressed against her back. She lifts herself off the bed slightly so the firebird can worm her arm underneath her. The firm touch of Kiara's hand on her stomach calmed and grounded her. The breath exhaled from the phoenix's nose, which found it's way into the crook of the reaper's neck caused a numbing tingling at the crown of her head. The sensation traveled down her spine as Kiara's lithe fingers traced unintelligible patterns on her lower back.
The phoenix spoke muffled words into the reaper's shoulder.
‘Is that better?’
Calli felt so small and safe in the warmth of Kiara's embrace. She closed her eyes and gave a hum of approval as she melted further into the phoenix's touch.
‘Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?’
The firebird's lips nearly grazed Calli’s shoulder blade and as she spoke she could feel the gentle vibration of Kiara's voice on her back. It made it hard to think.
‘I dunno... It's stupid…’
A thoughtful hum from Kiara sparked more tingles on the top of the reaper's head.
‘If it's bothering you then it's not stupid.’
Kiara lightly pressed her lips onto Calli’s shoulder.
‘But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to... I understand.’
Silence filled the room as the reaper contemplated what to say.
‘I guess... for so much of my existence I dreamed about being where I am now... I remember countless nights like this... hating my own existence and pouring all of that energy into my music... praying that one day people would listen… that anyone would care… I wanted to “make it” so badly… I didn’t care about anything else… I was so fucking miserable, but it didn’t matter... "I'll be happy when I'm successful" I kept tellin myself that over and over and just kept pushing and pushing...
What a fucking lie that was...
I get to make music full time... I have millions of fans... Artists that I used to look up to are envious of ME... So why the hell do I still feel like shit... What the fuck is wrong with me Kiara..?’
‘Calli-’
‘If anything it's worse now... On top of all that bullshit I feel guilty... like how the fuck can someone as successful as me still be so fucking depressed... What the the fuck kinda bullshit is that…?’
She isn't sure when she started crying.
She tried to raise her arm to dry her eyes but Kiara was tightly hugging her.
She wasn't sure when that happened either.
‘There's nothing wrong with you Calli.’
The utter confidence in Kiara’s voice shook her.
‘I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I wish I could do something to make you feel better, but all I can offer you is this.’
The arms around the reaper tightened.
‘I want you to know that this feeling won't last forever, even if right now it feels like it will. Everyone's happiness looks different, Calli... And sure, yours didn't come from where you thought it would, but that doesn't mean you'll never find it. And I promise I will help you as best as I can until you do. You know I will always be by your side as long as you'll have me.‘
‘Thank you Kiara... I'm really lucky to have someone like you in my life…’
‘I'm lucky to have you too Calli…’
They laid together in silence for a while. The reaper found that somehow she felt lighter. Like a weight had been lifted off of her. And all of the sudden the reaper felt exhausted.
‘Hey Kiara…’
‘Yes Calli…’
‘Can you do that thing with your finger again...?’
‘Oh you mean the one from last weekend??’ She asked playfully, running her fingers down Calli's stomach.
‘Oi!’
‘I'm kidding, I'm kidding.’ the phoenix giggled. The vibration of it felt nice against the reaper’s skin. Soon the phoenix busied herself with running her finger along Calli's lower back. It felt like heaven to Calli and fluffy pink clouds filled her mind.
‘Like that?’
The reaper closed her eyes and allowed the sensation to lull her into a peaceful slumber.
‘Yea... just like that…’