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Eyes on the road. Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t get distracted. You’re fine, everything is fine. Just pick up Max, go home, sleep it off. No one has to know. Billy cursed and slammed on the brake, almost missing the turn for the Byers house. Fuck. He pulled into the driveway and threw the Camaro into park. He pressed his palms into his eyes hard enough to see stars in hopes that that would clear his head. Nope. Fuck.
It had been one of those rare nights when he had let himself slip a little. No one was home so he didn’t have to worry about getting caught. The stuff Steve had let him use was much nicer than anything he had, he couldn’t chance someone going through his room and finding anything.
Billy had dared to pull his tattered little baby blanket out from its hiding place under the bed. He told himself it barely counted, he had had the blanket since he was actually a child so it didn’t matter. He put on some pajamas and laid down, curling up around an extra pillow.
Billy didn’t like being little alone, but there wasn’t really much he could do about it. Going fully into his headspace wasn’t even an option without someone to take care of him.
Billy started to tear up, squeezing the pillow tighter. God, he hated this part of being in his headspace. No matter what he did he always got lonely and started crying. He tried to relax, making a conscious effort to sink into part of his head where everything was simple and he didn’t have to think so hard.
He must have dozed off or something, as he snapped awake to the sound of his door banging against the wall. Billy sat up and froze, Neil was standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the light from the hall. It was a little hard to tell with Billy’s eyes still adjusting to the light, but he didn’t look happy. His mind started racing trying to remember what he could’ve done. Sometimes if he didn’t have a reason, Neil would make one up to be upset with him, but this didn’t seem like one of those times. After a moment of just staring, Neil stepped into the room.
“Where is Max?” he hissed. Max, Max, Max,— fuck, Max. It felt like ice water had been dumped over his head, he was supposed to pick up Max from hanging out with her nerd gang. Apparently he had taken too long to answer, as Neil stepped closer and grabbed the front of his shirt. “Well?”
“I’ll— I’ll go pick her up right now.” Billy stuttered and tried to get up, but Neil held him in place.
“So you forgot.” Neil stated, turning his head away like he couldn’t even bear to look at his son. Billy opened his mouth to say something when Neil back-handed him. Hard. He bit his lip to hold-back any noise, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. If he cried Neil would just hit him again.
“I’m sorry, sir.” Billy muttered, staring at the ground. Neil grabbed his jaw, forcing Billy to look up at him.
“What was that?” he snapped.
“I’m sorry, sir!” Billy yelped. Neil squeezed his jaw hard enough for him to hear the bones creaking, before he let go. Billy dropped his head to his chest, shutting his eyes and trying to will away tears. Neil was still looming over him. He liked looming, liked that just standing over people could make them shy away from him. Finally Neil sighed, releasing Billy’s shirt and stepping back.
“We’ll talk about this later. Go get her.” With that, Nail turned on his heel and left. Billy sat uselessly, he felt empty. It felt like everything had just faded away into noise. Fuck, I don’t have time for this.
Billy scrubbed his hands over his face and pushed himself up to get dressed, feeling a chill run down his spine as he realized Neil had definitely seen the baby blanket. He wasn’t supposed to still have it, Neil had tried to throw it out more than once.
Billy pulled on jeans and a jacket. He definitely wouldn’t be warm enough, but that barely mattered. Boots, keys, walk out the door.
Somehow he had ended up here. Teetering dangerously on the edge of his headspace in the Byers’ driveway. He honestly shouldn’t have driven here, and he had no idea if he could manage driving back. He hit his hands on the steering wheel, usually the pain was grounding but right now it just made him want to cry. Billy sighed, turning the car off and climbing out. He slammed the door, startling himself with the noise.
“...Billy?”
He looked up, Steve was standing just in front of the porch, coming towards him slowly. When he got within arms reach, Steve set a hand on his shoulder.
“Billy… did you drive here like this?” Steve spoke softly, like he was trying to soothe a spooked animal. And while a big part of Billy wanted to melt, the rest of him bristled at the treatment.
“Like what?” he grumbled, toeing the gravel with his boot. Steve huffed, glancing around to make sure no one had followed him outside.
“ Little, Billy. Did you drive here little?” Steve asked.
“So what if I did? It’s none of your business.” Billy hissed, he moved to step around Steve, but Steve stepped in front of him.
“Billy that isn’t safe—”
“Don’t you think I know that?! I don’t have another option here Steve, I don’t have time for this!” he yelled, frustrated tears prickling into his eyes. Steve’s eyes widened, he looked… hurt. Billy didn’t have the time to make him understand. Neil was expecting them both home, and even though Billy was terrified of what was waiting for him, he knew putting it off would just make it worse.
“Billy.” Steve sounded disappointed, and his resolve not to cry broke. Billy made a wounded noise and tears started running down his face. Steve sighed, pulling Billy into a hug. Steve hushed him, swaying them both gently as he carded a hand through Billy’s hair. He whined, tucking his face into the crook of Steve’s neck.
“I can’t…” he whimpered, “I have to go home…” he pushed gently on Steve’s chest, but Steve just cradled him closer.
“I know. I know, I’m not mad at you, just… try to drop by soon. Be careful driving home.” Steve muttered into Billy’s hair, rubbing a hand up and down his back. Billy sniffled, nodding before he pulled away. Steve walked back to the house and called for Max to come out as Billy wiped at his eyes.
Max hopped down the steps and bounded over to the Camaro, sliding into the passenger seat before Billy could even say anything. He waved goodbye to Steve, climbing into the driver's seat and starting the car. He drove slowly, staying a little bit below the speed limit even on the roads he knew well.
Even without looking over, he knew Max was staring at him. She was never the most subtle when she had something to say.
“Billy?”
“Max.”
“You’re not really a neutral, are you?” she phrased it like a question, but he knew it wasn’t. He worked his lip between his teeth for a second, thinking about how he should answer.
“No. No I’m not.” he rasped. Max looked away, studying the floor mats.
“Is that why he… is that why he treats you that way?” she asked, still staring at the floor. Billy heaved a sigh, making a point to keep his eyes on the road.
“It’s… complicated. He’s treated me like that for a long time, even before I got classified.” He glanced over at Max, she was biting her lip, and looked worried.
“If you’re… if you’re not neutral don’t you need to… y’know…” she hesitated, clearly still afraid of pissing him off. It made him a little sad, but he’d dug his own grave on that front.
“Yeah. But I can’t. I mean— I did once, accidentally. But I just— I can’t, Max. What if something happens and I can’t get back out?” he blurted. Max started making her stubborn face, which absolutely could not be good.
“But Mr. Clarke said that littles need to go into their headspaces. Like sleep deprivation, just because you don’t like sleeping doesn’t mean you can just choose not to.” she exclaimed.
“Well then Mr. Clark can tell that to Neil. I’m sure he’ll find it moving.” he said with no small amount of sarcasm. Max pursed her lips, clearly thinking up some sort of plan. He sighed, turning into their driveway.
“Listen, Max. I don’t think I even need to say this but you cannot tell anyone this. Not your nerd gang, not Ms. Byers, and definitely not Susan. Do you understand?” he looked at her, trying to sum up some kind of intimidating look. It came across more pleading, as she could see his eyes were still puffy from crying.
“Yeah, I understand.” Max confirmed. She went to get out of the car, but Billy stopped her
“Just… stay in your room tonight.” he muttered, looking at the floor. Max nodded, shutting the car door and going straight inside to her room. She was going to find a way to help Billy, whether he liked it or not.
—
Billy had a black eye. Billy had a black eye that he couldn’t have gotten anywhere but at home and Steve felt like it was somehow his fault. Billy was keeping his distance, and Steve wasn’t going to disrespect that, but he really just wanted to gather him up in his arms and try cuddling it better.
At least it was Friday, maybe he could get Billy to come over sometime over the weekend. He had to watch Dustin and the gang on Saturday night, but other than that he was all free. He had bought one or two things on a whim since the last time Billy had been in his headspace, and he was excited to give them to him. But until he got that chance, he was just going to have to deal with his caregiving instincts being in overdrive. He was definitely bothering Nancy and Jonathan by hovering. Nancy at least seemed to have caught on what was up and started shooing him off when it got to be too much.
Just a couple days. Maybe. If Billy said yes to coming over. Just a couple days until he could baby Billy to his heart’s content. If he would let Steve do that, that is.
Yeah, if he was going to soothe the part of him screaming to take care of Billy right now at all, he was going to have to ignore the uncertainties. Maybe it was good that Billy was avoiding him, Steve wasn’t sure he’d be able to resist going in for a hug if he got too close.
It was agonizing that no one else knew Billy was a little. And he was so little too. Everyone at school thought he was an asshole, but under that he was just a baby. A sad, scared, little baby and Steve just wanted to hold him close and make it better.
—
Neil had hit him across the face the moment Susan and Max left the room.
Billy had been expecting it, but it still sent him sprawling. Neil stormed down the hallway and came back with his blanket, holding him away from his body like it disgusted him.
“Didn’t I tell you to get rid of this thing? Outside. Now.” Neil growled, heading for the back door. Billy scrambled up from the floor to follow him, feeling a weight settle in his chest. That blanket was the last thing he had from his mom, he had pulled it out of the trash every time Neil tried to throw it out. But this time he was going to destroy it for real.
He tried not to cry as Neil walked out the back door and toward the fire pit. Neil had built it as another piece of his ‘happy family’ illusion, but it was mostly used for burning trash.
Neil stopped by the edge of the brick ring, turning towards Billy and pulling a lighter out of his pocket.
“You clearly haven’t learned your lesson, so I am putting a stop to it. I’m going to burn this, ” he shook the blanket, unwilling to even glance at it, “and we’re both going to stand out here until the fire goes out. You are going to go inside, straight to bed, and I am not going to catch you doing anything like this again. Is that clear?”
Billy nodded, unwilling to speak. He could feel tears pricking into his eyes, but didn’t want to show weakness by having his voice crack on the words.
Neil looked away from him. The lighter flicked. It took a second, but the soft fleece of his baby blanket caught, blue flames working their way up from the bottom. Billy started to cry as the fabric smoldered and fell away, almost wishing it would burn faster just so he wouldn’t have to watch it anymore.
Neil didn’t drop the blanket until the last scraps threatened to burn his fingers, and he stomped out the fire once he did.
Billy didn’t feel any release once it was over. One of the last pieces of his mom was gone. The only little thing he actually had for himself. Gone. There probably weren’t even any scraps to pick out of the ashes.
He was crying, helplessly, when Neil looked at him again. He didn’t want to be weak in front of his dad. He never wanted to be weak in front of his dad. But his legs gave out without his permission. Billy fell to his knees in the wet grass, shaking from the cold and to hold back his sobs.
Neil stepped closer, but Billy didn’t look up at him. He didn’t want to give his dad the satisfaction of seeing his tear stained face in the porch light. Neil set a hand in Billy’s hair, a horribly false gesture of comfort.
“Go to bed, son.”
The back door opened and shut. Billy cried in the grass until his fingers started to go numb from cold. Only then did he stumble towards the fire pit, running his hands through dead leaves and partially melted plastic until he found something soft.
The scrap of his blanket was singed and covered in mud. It was only a couple inches wide, but he couldn’t bear to leave it. Billy tucked it into his pocket before he could really think it through. Then he went inside.
Billy didn’t bother changing clothes, just pulled off his boots and fell into bed. He curled onto his side, feeling cold and numb all the way to the core. Billy cried himself to sleep that night. In the dark. Alone.
Always alone.
—
Billy had to drag himself out of bed the next morning. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to stay in bed and cry some more. But he knew he would only be in more trouble if he didn’t drive Max to school. So he got up.
His jeans were stained with mud, but he couldn’t make himself change out of them. He was in that awful gray area between being in his headspace and being normal, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make himself feel all the way big. So he stayed in the dirty jeans.
Max shot him worried looks as he drove. He hadn’t looked in the mirror to check the damage yet. He probably should have if the way Max was looking at him was any indication. Whatever. It didn’t matter. He had come to school with worse.
No one talked to him at school. Not even Tommy. If Billy had to guess he would say it’s because everyone assumed he was angry. That he would lash out like a wounded animal if someone tried to have a conversation with him. It was all as well.
Billy was half in his headspace all day. He had to run out of the class during math to cry in the bathroom. It was so stupid that he was this upset over a piece of fabric. But he couldn’t help himself.
He drove back home and went straight to his room. Neil had grounded him, and it’s not like he had anywhere else to go. Billy wasn’t even sure he could drive at this point. He did his homework, trying to focus on math problems and allegories instead of his fucking blanket. It only worked for so long. He finished everything sooner than he wanted to.
Billy was so tired . He’d been fighting being little all day because he knew it would just make him feel worse. But without anything to distract him he ended up slipping anyway.
He cried himself to sleep again, haphazardly curled around a pillow with the scrap of his blanket he had left tucked into his palm.
Billy woke up on Saturday morning with a pounding headache. He still couldn’t bring himself to change. Or cook. He just lied there, rotting in his bed. Neil didn’t even bother yelling at him for not getting up.
It was almost three o’ clock when he finally psyched himself up enough to move, tucking his blanket piece safely back into his pocket. He went to the kitchen, he needed water. No matter how much he wished someone would take care of him, it wasn’t going to happen. No one was coming.
So he got up.
Max and Susan were in the kitchen, both pretending to be picking at their lunches. Neil was at work, which was the only reason Billy had come out of his room in the first place. They seemed to be arguing. Or at least having a heated discussion. Billy kept his eyes on them as he tried to find a glass.
“C’mon, mom! Everyone else is sleeping over, it’ll be weird if I don’t—”
“I just don’t feel safe leaving you alone with a bunch of boys overnight. I know it was ok before, but you’re getting to the age that—”
“Nothing is going to happen! Nancy and Jane will both be there, it's not just boys. I’ll be fine.”
“Still. I just don’t feel comfortable with it—”
“What if Billy came along?”
Billy froze with the glass he had managed to locate halfway to his lips. Max and Susan were both looking at him, which is the last thing he wanted. He opened his mouth to say something, but Max was already starting her argument.
“He can come and make sure nothing weird happens. He and Steve have a group project to do anyway. That way you know I’m safe, and he can get his homework done.” Max spouted it off at her usual warp speed, and Billy had to think really hard to keep up. There was no fucking group project. Not at least that he remembered. But Susan was biting her lip, like she was considering.
“I don’t know… Billy’s supposed to be grounded.”
Max rolled her eyes.
“He has to drive me anyway. And it’s for homework, it’s not like he’ll be having fun.”
Susan huffed, but it looked like she was coming around. Max was good at convincing her mom to let her do things Neil usually wouldn’t allow, and Susan had an odd way of making Neil see her side of it. If Max managed to convince Susan to let her do something against the rules, she wouldn’t even get in trouble for it later. Billy was almost jealous of her for it.
“Alright, fine. But someone has to call me before ten, and you have to be home by ten AM tomorrow.”
Max pumped her fist and hopped up from the table, patting Billy on the back on her way past.
“Get your stuff, we’re supposed to be at Steve’s by four.”
Billy ended up standing in his room dumbly. He grabbed his backpack to play along with the ‘group project’ story, but other than that he didn’t know what to bring. He didn’t have any other clean clothes, his blanket was gone, he didn’t even know what people were supposed to bring to sleepovers. So backpack it was.
He didn’t even feel sad anymore. Just numb. It didn’t register to him that he was going to have to pretend to be big in front of Steve until they were already leaving.
He hadn’t called Steve after last time, had barely even talked to him. It wasn’t fair to Steve to show up at his house and break down. He was just being nice when Billy had cried on him picking up Max. That’s what people do. They have to be nice when you’re crying even if they don’t like you.
Even with that resolve, Billy had to will himself out of dropping into his headspace when they pulled up to Steve’s house. The last time he had been here it had been so safe. Comforting. But it just made him anxious this time to walk up and ring the doorbell.
Billy’s breath caught in his throat when he actually saw Steve. He suddenly felt incredibly small, even as Max pushed past him and Steve to greet her friends. It was an effort to stumble past Steve and through the door, but Billy managed. His knees felt weak, and the little part of him shied away from all the noise coming from the living room, so he turned and went up the stairs.
Steve was following him. In fact, was calling his name as Billy stomped up the stairs. He knew he had to respond. That he was acting weird. But first he had to get away. Because Steve might not tell on him for being little, but he didn’t know if that was true of anyone else in the house.
Billy made it to the upstairs hallway before he fell, hitting his elbow against the wall on the way down. He burst into tears as Steve wrapped around him, pulling him into his lap. It didn’t even hurt that bad. He was just so relieved to be able to give in. Billy curled towards Steve, burying his face into his shoulder.
—
Steve knew something was wrong the moment he saw Billy in the doorway. He just looked… empty. Tired. There were bags under his eyes, and he dropped his backpack the moment he stepped through the door.
“Billy?” Steve moved to set his hand on Billy’s shoulder, but it was like he didn’t hear him. Billy turned away and started walking up the stairs unsteadily.
“Billy? Where are you going?”
He still didn’t respond. It made Steve worry, but he might as well just follow Billy and find out.
He wasn’t expecting Billy to fall. If he was, maybe he would’ve been able to catch him. But he went down, and Steve heard the thunk of him hitting the wall. He started sobbing, and Steve had never seen Billy get that upset about an injury before.
Steve panicked a bit as he pulled Billy into his arms, checking him over to make sure he wasn’t badly hurt. It didn’t seem like there was anything wrong, at least physically. But Billy was crying hard enough that he was having trouble breathing.
Steve started rubbing his back, hushing Billy to try and calm him down.
“It’s ok, it’s ok. I’ve got you. Take a deep breath, just like this—” Steve started taking deep, intentional breaths. He grabbed Billy’s hand and pressed it to his chest, making it rise and fall so Billy could feel him breathing. It took a couple more minutes of sobbing for Billy to get the rhythm of it down, but he started copying Steve, taking deep breaths that made his body calm down, no matter how much his brain was still upset.
“There we go, there we go.” Steve muttered, moving a hand up to card through Billy’s hair. It was kind of… greasy. Like he hadn’t washed it in awhile. Which, ok, was really worrying and super out of character. Billy took care of his hair meticulously, he wouldn’t be caught dead with dirty hair, especially in someone else’s house.
Billy was calming down, sniffling into Steve’s shirt and taking even breaths. So Steve pushed him up a little bit. Billy’s face was red and tear-stained and he had his thumb tucked into his mouth. Steve could still see the bruising around his eye, it looked even worse up close. Sickly purple and yellow that trailed up to his eyebrow. He was blinking slowly, like he was struggling to keep himself awake. From the expression on his face it didn’t seem like Billy had wanted to stop crying, just that he didn’t have anything left.
Steve reached up to cradle Billy’s face, rubbing his thumbs over Billy’s cheek bones.
“What’s got you so upset buddy?” He asked, and Billy whined, squirming around to reach into his pocket for something. Steve watched, confused as Billy pulled out a scrap of blue fabric and set it in his hand. Tears started welling back into Billy’s eyes as he did, and he tucked his face into Steve’s chest.
Steve rubbed his thumb over the fabric, it was singed, and muddy, but it felt like it had been really soft polar-fleece before something happened to it.
“Was this yours?”
Billy nodded, making these choked off little sob noises as he started crying again. Steve tried to figure out what the piece of fleece could be from. It didn’t seem like a piece of clothing, or a stuffed animal.
“Did something happen to a blanket you had?”
Billy nodded again, fisting his hands in the fabric of Steve’s shirt.
“Oh baby, I’m sorry. Let’s put this somewhere safe.”
Steve braced himself against the wall, lifting Billy up with him. After the last time he had taken care of Billy, it had occurred to him that most littles didn’t go all the way into their headspaces the first time. Which was… almost unbelievable. Billy was already so fucking little . But last time, at least at the beginning, he had been able to talk in short sentences and walk. This time it seemed like he couldn’t talk at all. And when Steve dropped him onto the bed, he moved clumsily, like he didn’t know quite what he was doing.
It made his heart ache to know Billy hadn’t had someone to take care of him for so long. He knew there had to be a reason Billy resisted his headspace so much, and it had something to do with the bruises he showed up with. Steve just didn’t know how to fix it.
Steve placed the little blanket piece onto the nightstand where Billy could see it. Then he started digging through his dresser for the shopping bag he knew was in there somewhere.
The thing was, Steve had been trying to come up with ways to convince Billy that he, y’know, actually liked taking care of him. And the easiest thing he could come up with was having stuff specifically for Billy the next time he came over. Because he had known there would be a next time, at least, he had hoped. But he didn’t want to overwhelm Billy either, so he had settled on just getting him some pajamas and a couple toys.
He pulled the bag out of the bottom drawer, which of fucking course was the last one he checked. Steve turned back around, walking to the bed to gather a still-teary Billy back into his arms.
“Ok buddy we’re gonna leave that here, and we’re gonna go give you a bath.” Because he wasn’t going to say anything to Billy, but he was visibly dirty. There was mud on his jeans, and it looked like he hadn’t showered or slept in days. If that was true, he probably hadn’t eaten much either. Ok, so bath, food, and then sleep.
Billy still had his thumb tucked into his mouth, so Steve grabbed his pacifier out of the nightstand before they left the room. He also took a detour to his own little bathroom to grab a diaper for after the bath. It was unlikely that Billy would need it, but he was too little to communicate when he needed to go to the bathroom. So it was probably a good idea.
Steve peeked out of the room with Billy on his hip, glancing up and down the hall. No one was in sight, and he could hear laughter from downstairs, so it was unlikely anyone was headed up. He wished the bathroom attached to his room had a tub, but it didn’t. So he was going to have to take Billy to the one by the stairs.
He walked quickly, easing Billy’s hand out of his mouth as he did. Billy whined, and Steve shushed him. He knew Billy was too little to understand getting caught, but he wouldn’t have tried to hide before dropping if he was ok with other people seeing him. So Steve tucked Billy’s pacifier into his mouth instead, thankfully quieting him down.
Steve shut the bathroom door behind them and locked it, setting Billy down on the toilet lid. He kicked his feet, whimpering and making grabby-hands for Steve. Protesting being set down.
“Shh, it’s ok. I just have to turn the faucet on, I’ll be right here.” Steve tried to soothe Billy, but he either couldn’t understand, or didn’t want to. He started crying again, reaching for Steve but unable to move towards him himself. It made something in Steve’s chest ache, but he really just needed a second to get the faucet running and the drain closed.
“It’s ok baby I promise, just give me one minute.”
Billy only cried harder, and Steve started to get afraid he was going to push himself off the toilet and get hurt. But the water temperature was right, so he turned the little knob to close the drain before pushing himself up from the floor. He pulled Billy into his arms, and he came easily, nearly falling into his lap. Steve started rocking him, holding him close to his chest.
“Shh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know you need me right now. I'm not gonna leave you alone again.” Steve rubbed Billy’s back, but he just kept crying, pulling on Steve’s shirt to try and get him closer.
“Dada…” Billy whined around his pacifier, squirming on Steve. Steve felt warm on the inside, but also a little like his heart was breaking.
“Oh baby, Dada’s here, Dada’s here.” Steve breathed into Billy’s hair, feeling a few tears prick up into his own eyes. He scooted them closer to the bathtub, letting go of Billy with one of his hands to pour some bubble bath under the faucet.
“Now, let’s get you into the tub.”
Billy was pliant as Steve pulled his clothes off, but was unwilling to let go of him and actually get in the bath. He whined and clung to Steve shoulders, curling closer when Steve tried to lower him into the water.
“It’s ok little man, here.” Steve pulled his shirt off. He didn't want to get into the bath since he already showered today, but maybe being held against his chest would calm Billy down enough to tolerate getting clean. Steve tried to lower him one more time, and Billy let him. He was sucking nervously on his pacifier, but once he was in the bath, he started reaching out and squeezing handfuls of bubbles.
He… actually started to cheer up a bit, smiling around his pacifier as he played with the bubbles. Steve smiled too, reaching to grab the bag he discarded on the floor.
He had gotten a simple rubber duck from the store, but it did squeak when you squeezed it, which was fun. Steve snuck it up over the side of the tub, squeaking it as he did so.
“Look what Dada got for you.”
Billy’s eyes went wide, and he hesitantly reached out to take it. He squished the duck, gasping as it squeaked.
While Billy was distracted playing with the duck, Steve grabbed a plastic cup from under the sink so he could wash Billy’s hair. He pressed a hand to Billy’s forehead and started pouring water over his head, trying to avoid getting it into his eyes.
Steve started to think he might regret getting a duck that squeaked, but at least Billy was having fun. He let the shampoo sit in Billy’s hair for a minute before washing it out, lathering his hair up with conditioner instead. Steve grabbed a washcloth, getting it damp under the faucet before turning the water off. He wiped the dried tears and snot off Billy’s face and grabbed some soap.
He scrubbed Billy down while he kept playing with the rubber duck. He was splashing a bit, and Steve was getting more than a little wet, but he didn’t mind at all. Billy was having the time of his life. He was glad Billy was finally having fun in his headspace. Billy spent a lot of time crying when he was little, or sleeping after crying. Steve could deal with some water on the bathroom floor if it meant Billy got some good memories out of it.
Steve picked the cup back up and started washing the conditioner out. Billy giggled and held the duck up to him, squeaking it happily.
“I see buddy! I know you like your ducky, but we’re gonna have to get out soon and put on your jammies.” Billy whined, dunking his duck back into the water. But it was starting to get a little cold, Steve could see Billy shivering. So he grabbed a fluffy towel from the cabinet under the sink.
“Ok, I’m gonna open the drain now. We gotta say bye-bye to the bath.” Steve draped the towel over his chest and opened his arms. Billy sadly waved goodbye to the bath, but climbed out onto Steve.
Steve toweled him dry, paying extra attention to his hair so it got nice and fluffy. He put another towel down on the floor and lowered Billy down onto it. He laid Billy down and grabbed the diaper, situating it under him and sticking the straps down. Billy whined in protest, but Steve ignored him, patting his tummy.
“It’s alright bubby, I know you’re a big boy, this is just in case.” Steve reached back into the bag to pull out the pajamas he had gotten. It had been hard, but he had found some fleece ones that weren’t too baby-ish. They were light blue, and super soft since he knew fabrics could bother Billy when he was little. The only childish thing about them was the little teddy bear embroidered on the chest.
Steve pulled the long-sleeved shirt over Billy’s head, and lifted his feet into the legs of the pants, helping him pull them up. They were big on him, since Steve guessed on size and well, it was better to go too big than too small right? But Billy might like them better that way, since he immediately started waving his hands to make the extra fabric of the sleeves flop around. He looked happy, which was a lot better than the sobbing puddle he had been earlier.
“There you go. Why don’t we go get your lion and find something to eat?”
Billy babbled excitedly, raising his arms to be picked up. Steve lifted Billy to sit on his hip, carrying back to his bedroom. He grabbed Billy’s lion out of the drawer in his nightstand, pressing it to his chest. Billy kicked his feet, a smile on his face as he squeezed his lion.
“Dada!” Billy flapped his free hand again, almost smacking Steve, but it was fine. He was just excited.
“Yeah buddy? What is it?” Steve asked, bouncing Billy on his hip. He held up his lion to show Steve, beaming around his pacifier. Steve was starting to think ‘Dada’ might be the only thing Billy could say.
Now there was just the issue of getting Billy something to eat. The kitchen downstairs was occupied, and that was the only place to get food. He couldn’t leave Billy alone, because he was too little to understand that he shouldn’t do things like crawl off the bed or try to go down the stairs. But he also didn’t want to make Billy try and act big to go to the kitchen.
Maybe he could catch Nancy or Jonathan and ask one of them to make up a bottle? At this point that was probably what Billy needed. He was too tiny to hold anything himself, even if he might get fussy about having to be fed. But who to ask? Nancy was a caregiver too, and would probably be very sympathetic to a distressed little. But Jonathan was very good at being discreet when he needed to be. Whatever. He would just ask whoever he saw first.
“Alright buddy, Dada is gonna have to leave you alone for just a second, ok?”
Billy whined, already tearing up at the idea of his Dada leaving. He didn’t want Dada to leave.
“I know, I know. But I don’t think you’ve eaten in a long while and I need to get you something. ” Steve tried to soothe Billy a bit, but he was already curling away, cradling his lion closer, like he was seeking comfort from his stuffed animal because Steve was rejecting him. It made Steve feel guilty. Billy was a baby, he couldn’t understand anything about Steve leaving other than that he would be gone.
“It’ll just be for a second. Stay here.” Steve sat Billy down near the head of the bed, pulling back the comforter and wrapping it around him. It wasn’t exactly a swaddle. Billy could probably get out of it pretty easily. But Billy just layed down, his shoulders shaking in a way that told Steve he was crying. He wanted to stay and comfort Billy, but he would probably be fussy anyway until he ate something.
“I’m sorry buddy. I’ll be right back.” He didn’t wait for Billy to respond, walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him.
Steve took the stairs two at a time, scanning back and forth for any sign of Jonathan or Nancy. No one was in the hallway, and he wouldn’t have any luck in the living room. Even if one of them was in there, he wouldn’t be able to pull them away without it seeming weird. His last chance was the kitchen. If he was lucky, maybe someone was already in there grabbing snacks.
Steve sighed, if he couldn’t spot anyone, he would just have to stay downstairs and make a bottle himself. He had no idea if Billy would be safe for that long, especially because he was upset.
Steve felt his shoulders drop in relief. Jonathan was in the kitchen grabbing sodas, probably for the kids. Now he had just had to beg him for help.
“Jonathan— hey, can you help me with something for a second?” Steve called out. Jonathan turned around, smiling when he saw Steve.
“Yeah, I can help. Is it something to do with your project?” He asked.
“My what?”
Jonathan raised his eyebrows.
“Max said you and Billy had to work on a group project, and that’s why you were upstairs.” Jonathan explained. Steve huffed, of course Max had had to come up with something to cover for them. He shook his head, trying to manually clear his thoughts.
“No, that’s— uh,” Steve tried to come up with a convincing lie, but he had never been that good with improv, “Ok, just— ugh. There is no group project. Billy’s little, and I need to find a way to make him a bottle because he hasn’t eaten in like, days, but I can’t stay down here long enough to make one because he’s too little not to hurt himself without supervision. So could you please, please, put one together for me?” Steve cut himself off before he could ramble more, looking at Jonathan pleadingly.
Jonathan looked kind of flabbergasted. To be fair, it was a lot of information at once. But Steve had extremely limited time to waste. So he walked over to the cabinet, grabbing the only bottle he owned and pressing it into Jonathan’s hand.
“Look, there’s meal replacement shake mix in the cabinet over the stove. If you mix some of that with milk and shake it, it’s done. If you don’t want to do this, say no now so I can do it as quickly as possible.” Steve stared into Jonathan’s eyes, trying to convey that this was important. After a beat, Jonathan nodded, taking the bottle from him.
“Give me a minute, I’ll be right up.”
Steve nodded curtly, turning around and almost running back out of the kitchen. He made it up the stairs in record time, stumbling around the corner and down the hallway. He fell through the door to his bedroom.
Billy hadn’t moved from his spot on the bed, which was a relief. But he was still crying. He was trying to stifle it, but Steve could still hear him sobbing. He rushed over to the bed, gathering Billy into his arms.
“I’m so sorry baby, I’m back, I’m back.” Steve tried to soothe Billy, but it didn’t work. If anything he cried harder, fisting his hands in Steve’s shirt. He was whimpering, the noise catching in his throat. Steve had been worried earlier that ‘Dada’ might be the only thing Billy could say. But he would give anything to hear it right now. Anything that indicated Billy was still… there, that he hadn’t actually broken him by abandoning him for a few minutes.
He was still trying to calm Billy down when there was a knock on the door. Billy whined, his eyes going wide and afraid as he curled closer to Steve.
“Shh, it’s ok. It’s just Jonathan, I asked him to make a bottle for you. Is it ok if he comes in?”
Billy took a second to answer, but nodded. Still in tears. Steve hoped that Billy actually understood what he was agreeing to.
“Come in!” Steve called, and Jonathan cracked the door open, closing it quickly behind him. He looked… shocked when he saw Billy. It was probably jarring for him. He had only seen Billy with his mask up, acting like an asshole on purpose. It was a stark contrast to him dressed up in his teddy bear pajamas, with his blue star-patterned pacifier and lion.
Billy sat up, staring at Jonathan distrustingly. He just looked for a moment, and Steve let himself hope. Because with the distraction of Jonathan coming in, Billy had almost stopped crying. But then his face crumbled, and he started sniffling. Billy started sobbing again, and Steve pulled him back into his lap.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright. Jonathan is nice, he’s not going to tell on you—”
Billy didn’t want to hear it, he whined, curling up and rocking himself back and forth. Like he was overwhelmed.
Jonathan froze. He didn’t know what to do when confronted with Billy upset. He hadn’t even known Billy was a little until a couple minutes ago. He just went with his first instinct.
Jonathan plopped down on the bed next to Billy and Steve, setting the bottle on the nightstand.
“Who’s that?” He asked, pointing to the stuffed lion Billy had cradled against his chest. Billy… almost just quit crying all together, looking confused instead. He held his lion out, almost like he was asking, this? Jonathan nodded, trying to smile encouragingly.
“Yeah, does he have a name?” Jonathan prodded, trying to get Billy to think about something other than being upset. Billy hesitated for a second, before shaking his head. Jonathan pretended to be surprised, gasping dramatically. “He doesn’t have a name? Everybody should have a name. What if we come up with a list of ideas?”
Billy’s eyes widened, and he actually looked excited despite the tears still on his face. Steve mouthed a “ thank you ” over his head, bouncing Billy gently.
“Yeah, we can grab some crayon’s and some paper, and make a little list.” Steve said. “ Box in the bottom of the closet. ” He whispered to Jonathan.
Jonathan nodded, getting up to pull a plain, cardboard box out of Steve’s closet. He opened it to find a sixty-four pack of crayons, some construction paper, and a bag of squishy blocks. It was a bit sad how little Billy had to play with.
They had been super poor when Jonathan was younger, and he still got to play with toys from second-hand shops and hand-me-downs. He shut down that line of thought, Steve probably had a reason for only having a couple things. He grabbed a piece of yellow paper and the crayons, fishing a decent sized book off Steve’s shelf to use as a hard surface.
Billy was a bit too little to actually be able to write well with the crayons, but working together Steve and Jonathan managed to decipher his name ideas. Leon, Alex, Fluffy, Goldie, and Aslan.
“ Aslan like the lion from Narnia?” Jonathan asked, surprised Billy had read through something like that. He nodded, a little shyly, and Jonathan smiled at him. “I think that’s a great name, buddy!”
Billy smiled, tears completely forgotten as he circled Aslan and held up the paper to show Steve.
“You want to name him Aslan?” Steve asked, and Billy nodded. “Good job bud! But I do think it’s time for your bottle now.”
Billy whined, complaining about something. It took Steve a minute of thinking to figure out what.
“Do you not want Jonathan to go away?”
Billy nodded again. Steve glanced over at Jonathan, he didn’t want to monopolize all of his time. But Jonathan shrugged, settling down against the headboard.
“I can stay. Nancy’s reading down there reading a book ‘cause the kids are all distracted with the game. I was just watching them play before I came up here.”
Steve was so fucking grateful that Jonathan was this chill of a person. He wasn’t going to say anything to Jonathan, because he shouldn’t feel obligated to stay, but Billy probably would’ve started crying again. It had started to stick in his head that Billy really hated feeling abandoned or alone.
“Ok bubby, c’mere. Jonathan can stay, but it’s bottle and then bedtime, ok?” Steve said, Billy crawled over into his lap, and Jonathan handed him the bottle from the nightstand without being asked. Steve pulled Billy’s pacifier out of his mouth and replaced it with the nipple of the bottle. He seemed… confused for a second. It was sad how clueless Billy was about things that were normal for littles as little as he was. He did get the hang of it after a second, closing his eyes and drinking deeply. He would probably need something more sustaining later, but right now the bottle was enough.
Billy started to nod off before he even finished the bottle, snuggling happily into the covers as he fell asleep. Steve took the bottle away and put it on the nightstand, giving Billy back his pacifier instead.
Steve and Jonathan sat in silence as Billy slept peacefully, the quiet only broken when Jonathan let out a sigh.
“He’s… really little, isn’t he?” Jonathan said. It was more of a statement than a question, but he was giving Steve the chance to say no, to tell him the situation wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. Sadly, he couldn’t do that.
“Yeah. He’s… barely a baby.”
“Is Billy the little you called my mom about?” Jonathan asked. Steve huffed, leaning back against the headboard and pulling Billy more onto his chest. He wasn’t expecting Joyce to tell Jonathan, but he wasn’t really not expecting her to either.
“Yep. This is only the second time he’s been in his headspace, ever.”
“ Fuck. ” Jonathan breathed. It startled a laugh out of Steve. He had tried not to agonize over how shocking it was Billy didn’t have a complete breakdown before now.
“Yeah I’m… kind of in over my head here. Let’s just say Neil Hargrove isn’t going to be winning dad of the year anytime soon.”
Because Billy may not have told him, but Steve wasn’t stupid. Billy showed up with bruises, said he wasn’t allowed to use a pacifier, and someone had damaged his blanket beyond repair. Steve had met Susan, and while of course parents acted differently in front of other people, he honestly didn’t think she had it in her to do anything like that.
Jonathan nodded, a sad kind of understanding that Steve wished he didn’t have.
“That’s… hard. If you need me I can help. Anytime.” Steve smiled.
"Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
“No problem. I’m gonna leave you two alone now, unless you need anything.”
“Nope. All good.”
Jonathan got up from the bed, swinging the door open.
“Goodnight, Steve.”
“Goodnight.”
—
Billy woke up automatically at seven in the morning. It’s what his body was trained to do, despite how much he wished sleeping in worked. He could only ever sleep in if he was sleep-deprived. He groaned, rolling onto his other side, and almost jumping out of his skin when an arm landed on him.
“Go back to sleep. ” Steve grumbled, muffled into his pillow. Billy opened his eyes. He told himself that Steve was probably half-awake, that he hadn’t realized Billy wasn’t little and didn’t need to be cuddled.
“I don’t think that’s going to work.” Billy responded, hoping that that sent the message. But Steve just groaned again, scooting until he was half on top of Billy instead.
“Then hold still, I’m still sleeping.”
“You’re talking to me.”
“I’m sleeping.”
Despite his protests, Steve cracked his eyes open, squinting at Billy in the light from the window.
“What?” He asked, and Billy sighed.
“You don’t have to keep cuddling me. I’m not… little.” Billy looked away from Steve. He knew this was just a thing that happened when he was desperate. That Steve had to be nice to him when he was little and crying, that he didn’t actually like him. Billy almost startled when Steve just rolled even more onto him, flopping around sleepily.
“If you don’t like it you can shove me off, but right now it’s my turn to be little spoon. I deserve it after being kicked all night.”
That gave Billy pause. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around Steve, relaxing when Steve hummed happily. He tried to hold as still as possible, afraid that if he did anything sudden it would snap Steve out of whatever sleep-induced state he was in where he thought Billy was likable. Eventually Steve rolled off of him, laying on his side to look at Billy.
“You know, we don’t only have to hang out when you need to be little. We can just be friends.”
Billy scoffed.
“No we can’t. You don’t like me.”
Steve looked confused, and a little offended.
“If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t go to the trouble of taking care of you. Why would I do so much for someone I don’t like?” Steve asked. Billy made a frustrated noise. He didn’t understand how Steve wasn’t getting it.
“That’s different, when I’m little we’re allowed to like… hang out and cuddle. But I’m not nice Steve. You wouldn’t like hanging out with me when I’m not little.”
“You realize you don’t… have to be mean. I already know your deepest darkest secret, you don’t really have much to hide from me anymore.” Steve shrugged, like that was it.
Billy huffed.
“That’s not my deepest darkest secret.” Billy stopped. He didn’t know why he had said that. Steve looked at him for a minute, quizzically.
“Do I have to guess… or…?” Steve asked, and Billy thought about it. He didn’t really have much to lose.
“I’m gay.”
Steve shrugged.
“Ok.”
“Ok? That’s fucking it ?” Billy snapped, and Steve sat up to throw his hands up.
“I don’t know what you want me to say! I’m bi, like I care… but I don’t really care. I’m not withdrawing my offer of being friends because you’re gay, that’s ridiculous.”
“Fine. We can be friends. But you’re not allowed to coddle me unless I’m little.”
Steve nodded, like that was already a given.
“Now that we’re friends will you answer a question I have?”
Billy sighed, he felt a little bad for snapping at Steve earlier.
“Sure.”
“What happened to your blanket?”
Billy sighed again, pushing himself up to sight across from Steve. He felt kind of stupid in the childish pajamas, but they were also comforting. He would never admit that out loud, of course.
“My dad caught me being little and burned it.” Billy shrugged, like he didn’t care. Steve already knew he cared a lot, there was no point getting upset about it again. Steve looked… sad. And Billy wanted to snap at him and say he didn’t need pity. But that weird vulnerable feeling had come back when his brain replayed the blanket being destroyed again. So he held it down. He kind of wished Steve would cuddle him again.
“I’m sorry. Do you want me to sew the bit of it onto the blanket you have here? That way you can still keep it.”
Billy looked up, suspicious.
“You’re not going to interrogate me?”
“Why would I? You can tell me what you want me to know. My house is alway open if you need a place to stay, but I get that it’s probably complicated.” Steve said it… gently. And Billy felt like his breath was catching somewhere in his chest. He felt himself tear up a little, and goddamn how did he have any tears left?
“I’d like that.” Billy choked out, trying not to cry.
“Do you want a hug?”
“Yeah.”
Steve scooted closer and pulled Billy towards his chest, cradling the back of his head and pressing it into the crook of his neck. It wasn’t quite how Steve held him when he was little, but it was close, and it felt really good.
Billy didn’t want the hug to end, but he knew eventually it had to. He wrapped his arms around Steve to give him a good final squeeze before letting go. Steve was smiling at him, a little sadly, a little fondly.
“Do you want to change clothes now? People are probably expecting us for breakfast soon.”
Billy nodded, and took his clothes to the bathroom to change himself.
Breakfast was over quicker than he wanted it to be. It was overwhelming to be around so many people, but it wasn’t awful. It actually felt like people were enjoying themselves. Like they were a family eating breakfast and actually having a good time.
Billy grabbed his backpack as Max gathered the last of her stuff. It was already 9:30 and they needed to get home. Steve gave him one last hug goodbye, patting his shoulder as he pulled away.
“Remember, anytime.”
“Yeah, I remember, you fucking dork.”