Work Text:
Worthy
A/N: I’m no Jaito expert. I will leave that to my wonderful and talented friends. But I wrote a Jaito thing that’s kind of personal and wanted to share it. <3
Why does being in love with someone hurt so much?
I told myself that I would never let this happen again. The Switchblade mask was a way to guard my heart, ward off anyone with the potential to toy with it, manipulate it, shatter it. I’ve been hurt before, so much and so often that I hardly remember what it’s like to trust someone. It’s much safer to push people away through whatever means necessary than to let yourself believe for even one moment that this time could be different.
And then I met you.
You’ve held my heart from the moment I first laid eyes on you. You felt like home before I even knew your name. I spent years torn between trying to forget about that feeling—that terrifying, undeniable, unforgettable feeling—and desperately and blindly running towards it. Somehow, someway, I ran right into your arms. That’s when everything changed. That’s when I decided.
I want to give you every bit of my heart and soul. I'm either all or nothing when it comes to love. It's all I know how to do; I don't know any other way to be. But I'm scared. I don't know how to take things slow. When I let myself feel, I fall so deeply so easily so quickly. What if I scare you away? What if I'm too much and everything you despise in a lover? You're my whole world. I don't wanna lose you. Even if I don’t, what reason would you have to stay? The simplest of gestures is often too much—a brush of fingertips, a smile, a term of endearment, the offer of a hug, a simple “Are you okay?” How can I stay in your arms, tell myself that I’m allowed to have this, let myself be loved, when I’m still expecting to find a knife in my back one day?
And what right do I have to ask you to wait for me? What right do I have to ask you to forgive me? I can't give you what you need or accept what you offer. I want to be able to, more than anything. But I don't want you to waste your time with someone who's struggling to heal and afraid to move forward when you could have anyone else. I don't want life to pass you by because of me. I don't deserve you, never did and never could.
Yet you stay. Your patience never wavers, and the kindness and warmth never fades from your eyes, your smile, your voice, your soul. I want to be worthy of all that someday. I'm trying. I’m trying so hard to be the person you see me as, this brave, sweet, shining presence that lights up your world. I’m sorry I might never get there. I’m sorry it all might be for nothing.
I’m sorry I don’t remember what it’s like to be Jamie. I’ve been “Jay” and “Switchblade” for so long that I’ve had to relearn how to just… be me. And sometimes I don’t even know who I am. But what I do know is that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and one day, I’ll be enough for you, and for myself. One day, I’ll be worthy of you.
Jay gently closes his journal with a soft sigh, setting it and his pencil aside and anxiously running his hands through his hair. Naito looks up from across the LIJ locker room with a curious gaze, and Jay feels his heart skip a beat at the genuine concern staring back.
“Is everything alright?”
After a moment, Jay slowly shakes his head.
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “I’m thinking about a lot, about things I want to say to you one day. I figured writing them down might help.”
And it did. He already feels a little lighter, relieved to pour the emotions and doubts and fears into journal pages instead of drowning in them all the time. Naito smiles at him, and it’s the kind that makes Jay want to both hold that expression in his heart forever and run as far away as possible before Naito realizes how undeserving of that kind of look he is. He settles for packing his things away and moving a little closer, bridging the gap between them just a bit more. One day he hopes there won’t be one anymore. Until then, he’ll settle for moments like these when he feels like it’s possible, when he feels himself unable to help but smile back.