Work Text:
Dock Therapy
Joey sat down after a long day of avoiding Pacey, and trying to mend her friendship with Dawson, wondering if it was even possible to go back to they way things were before things got so complicated, before she fell head over heels in love with the man who made irritating her a tried and tested pastime. Joey chuckled to herself, thinking of the charming man who made her see herself in ways she had never fathomed and challenged her beyond what she thought capable.
She rested her head against the Adirondack chair, taking in the cool breeze off the creek, resting after a tedious day of responsibility. Feeling the cool breeze kiss her eyelids, Joey breathed in a feeling of peace and crossed her fingers for some answers.
I’m so tired. Why is my life so complicated? When did things get so messy? What do I do about Dawson and Pacey?
“Is this seat taken?” A crisp voice broke the silence of the creek.
Joey jumped in her seat and turned her head to look at the woman. She recognized her as the one she checked into the B and B a few days ago.
“Is there something you needed, Mrs. Murphy?” Joey asked as she made a move to get off the chair and flopped back down at the woman’s raised hand to remain seated. Joey took in the woman’s loose fitting jeans and her billowing blouse in the chilly air. She looked expensive.
“Please call me Emily. I just came out here for some peace. But to be honest, I’m bored out of my mind.” She said as she sat down and smiled at the young brunette.
“What are you doing in Capeside, then? There’s never anything going on here.” Joey snarled as she watched the pretty older woman.
“My husband took a fishing trip with our son and I’d rather do anything else than that. So I found Potter B and B and booked a stay here. It is stunning.” Emily said, smiling at the young lady.
Quiet filled the air between them for a few minutes.
“What’s on your mind? You look like you have the world on your shoulders.”
“No offense, lady, but I don’t feel like pouring my heart out to a legitimate stranger.” Joey snapped. Emily gave a non-committal sound before a chuckle burst out of her.
“I’m the best person to pour your heart out to. I don’t know you to coddle your feelings, nor do I know about the other people in this scenario. I am a totally neutral third party.” Joey stared unblinking, while the other woman held her gaze. Joey opened her mouth as if she wanted to talk but snapped it shut before taking in a breath before she talked.
“Have you ever been torn in two? Like you’re stuck in the middle of a situation you don’t want to be in, but there’s no way out without hurting someone.” Joey asked, breathing out the words in a rush.
“Ah, matters of the heart then: the most complicated circumstances of them all. Ok. Break it down for me. Tell me about it.”
“I don’t even know where to begin. It’s complicated.” Joey said as she shrugged her sweater clad shoulders.
“We start at the beginning. Who is the first boy?”
“Dawson Leery. He has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. There’s not a single significant event in my life that he wasn’t a part of. We would sit in his room and watch movies. He was there for me when my family imploded.”
“Sounds simple. What’s Dawson like? Who is he?”
“He has this picture perfect life: only child of loving and supporting parents, divorced or not. He’s a total film nerd. Fancies himself a filmmaker. His chief character trait is his ability to reject reality.” Joey explained, not noticing the raised eyebrows and the head nod.
“Reject reality? What does that mean?” Emily asked, stretching out her arms over her head, hearing her back crack.
“Dawson has a hard time dealing with things out of his control, like his parents divorcing, his mom’s affair, our breakup, so he lashes out in anger. Basically, he analyzes and agonizes over these rigid expectations and when people react or do the things that don’t fit his script, he throws a tantrum. He’s like a kid who doesn’t get his way. His parents spoiled him rotten.” Joey said, a dawning realization at how unpleasant she just made Dawson sound but found no inclination to dispel that assessment.
This is feeling like a session. Poor kid. She doesn't even see the red flags this Dawson guy waved in her face. Rejects reality? Lashes out in anger when people don’t conform to his expectations? Yeah not liking this guy. At all. Practically waving the red flags.
“That is a lot to take in. So when did that relationship get complicated?” Emily asked, while biting her tongue.
“Hormones got in the way. I was in love with him, but he never saw me as anything but little Joey Potter, a girl from the wrong side of the creek.”
“So what changed? What was the moment that he saw you differently?” Emily asked. She gave a kind smile to Joey as the tense set of her shoulders melted into the back of the chair.
“Well, there was this beauty pageant I entered. There was a first prize of $5,000 and it would’ve been money saved for college.”
“I understand. It was a shallow reason for this Dawson’s shift in feelings then.” Emily said, as she nodded her head for Joey to continue.
“I postulated the implications of that with him. I told him it was cosmetic, so it got weird for a while until I got an offer for a study abroad program in France.”
“That’s amazing, Joey. How was France then? That must have been quite a learning experience for you.” Emily said, instinctively knowing she didn’t go to France. Joey shifted in her seat, breaking eye contact as she scanned the gently lapping waters of the creek.
“I refused the offer.” Joey said, words soft enough to drown in the gentle breeze. She tilted her head down and glared at Emily from beneath her lashes as her shoulders glided to her ears.
“Oh Joey, why?” Emily moaned. Tell me she didn’t turn down a life-changing opportunity for a boy.
“Dawson kissed me and asked me to stay. I just didn’t want to miss the chance to explore what we could be.” Joey said with a hard tone, every muscle in her body rigid with tension expecting derision for her lack of foresight in her poor decision.
“You regret it, you regret turning it down.” Emily said, knowing the answer already. Emily leaned forward in her seat, not letting Joey avoid her eyes, while shuffling in her seat.
“It was my choice not to go.” Joey said, almost like it was a rehearsed statement. Emily scoffed and lifted one sardonic brow.
“You’re allowed to be honest with yourself, Joey. You regret turning the offer down. It’s okay to say it.” Emily said, softly.
“I stayed to explore what a romantic relationship would look like with Dawson.”
“What was Dawson’s opinion on this amazing offer? He must have been so supportive of you going and grabbing onto this chance.” Emily said, with a pointed look to Joey, who couldn’t meet her eyes. “There're many studies on all the benefits of what these kinds of programs do for teens, from learning about another culture and immersing yourself in an experience far removed from the routine of your own life.”
Joey was silent for a few minutes and Emily left it like that, giving her the room to process her feelings.
“I regret not going.” Joey blurted out, like it was painful to voice, like it was a betrayal of her best friend. “I remember waking up in my bed on the first day of what would have been the first day I would’ve been in Paris and I hated myself for not going.” Joey’s voice took on a sorrowful tone as her hand rubbed her eyes, forcing the tears back in.
“Did you ever confide that regret to Dawson?” Emily asked, while trying to catch Joey’s gaze.
“No. What would be the point? It was done.” Joey said.
“Why do you feel you cannot confide in Dawson?” Emily said, nodding her head at the image of a red flag waving in her mind.
“He wouldn’t know how to handle me expressing regret for not going,” Joey said. “It would have turned into a massive fight and he would just make it about him. I didn’t want to deal with that.”
“It’s okay to feel that. Your feelings are valid. I’m 39 years old and there’s one thing I can tell you about life. It’s a series of choices you make every day. They might be good choices, bad choices or those choices where there's no right or wrong. Heck, even the choices you don’t make.
“I’m petrified of making the wrong choice. Like one wrong choice and my whole life would crumble.” Joey admitted, silent tears fell from her eyes.
“That could happen. Of course it could. Here’s where the pedal hits the metal. You can get back on your feet and start rebuilding, stronger and wiser for it. Alright, let’s get back on track. You stayed to see what a relationship with Dawson would be like. So what was it like? In all my relationships, I’ve never been with something with that kind of wealth of history behind it. It's unfamiliar territory for me. What was a first date like?” Emily asked. Joey’s shoulders lifted with each deep breath she took in. Her head tilted back at the sky, taking in the balayage color
scheme of the setting sun.
Joey retold the story of their awkward first date.
“It felt off. Just off. I expected something different. I thought we would be different. He was the same, and I felt like staying would cause me to lose myself in him.” Joey said. Her words sighed out of her mouth.
“So more or less, immediately after you got together, you felt something was off. And I would bet that you never voiced it to Dawson.” Emily said, with a knowing smirk to Joey. She rolled her eyes in the way only teens could.
“No, I didn’t. I thought it would feel right, eventually. Why wouldn’t it? I finally got what I wanted, what I dreamed of, or so I thought. It didn’t take too long for me to feel unsettled and lost. That’s when I broke up with him. It was horrible.”
“How did you break up?” Emily asked.
“I told him I needed to find myself. That I didn’t know where he ended and I began, and I couldn’t be with him while doing it.” Joey said, with a grimace on her face as she remembered Dawson’s whiny voice.
“Hmm, interesting.” Emily said. With one eyebrow raised, she turned her head and smiled at Joey as she fidgeted in her seat.
“What!” Joey snapped with a scowl.
“ I just find it telling that you didn’t feel safe enough to embark on that journey with Dawson, your newly minted boyfriend and best friend. Finding your identity is an ongoing process. You can find things about yourself, whether you’re in a relationship. It’s not a time-sensitive endeavor. There are no deadlines. I just thought it interesting that you used that excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse. I wanted to know who I am without Dawson, without dealing with his idea of who I should be or who he sees me to be.” Joey explained.
“Bravo. That’s the first smart thing I heard from you thus far. What happened after you broke up? Did you automatically go back to being friends?” Emily asked.
“No, it was awkward. I dated Jack.”
“Back up, back up. Who’s Jack?” Emily asked with an excited tinge in her voice.
“Jack was the new kid in town. We kind of bonded over art and got to know each other a bit while I was with Dawson, and it was a whole complicated mess. Jack sneak attack kissed me and Dawson found out. He got overly dramatic, and we had a big fight.”
“Let me guess. He blamed you for another guy’s actions and made you feel responsible. I have a feeling it was just dramatic. I bet he verbally attacked you. Am I right?
“Yes, he did. Before we broke up, he read my diary, confronted me while I was working, and berated me for what he read. I told him how I felt about his violation of my privacy and how violated I felt, but he didn’t hear me.”
“He read your diary? Jesus, how you didn’t break up with him boggles my mind. At the very least, he must have groveled for that.” Emily said, anger in her voice as she leaned forward in her seat, shaking her head at Joey.
“No, no, he didn’t apologize. Would you believe he blamed me for reading it? Like it was my fault I trusted my boyfriend in my bedroom.” Joey’s voice raised in indignant anger at the memory.
“Classic deflection. He blamed you for his wrongdoing. I see this all the time in my practice. Women that take on dealing with the responsibility and consequences of their partner’s actions. Somehow feeling like they were the ones to blame. What happened after that breach of trust?”
“We worked it out, had our first date with his dad and his date. Don’t ask. It was a disaster from start to finish. Then, he found out that Jack kissed, and that was the death knell of our relationship.” Joey said. Pushing her hair behind her ears, she shrugged her shoulders as she scanned the water on the creek.
“Give me a minute to process.” Emily massaged her temples as she took in a few deep breaths to quell her mounting anger.
Damn! This Dawson is a piece of work.
“Would you like some tea or coffee as you process?” Joey asked and got up as Emily smiled and nodded.
“That would be lovely, Joey. Black, please.”
Joey left for a few minutes and returned with a tray of coffee and muffins. Emily picked up her mug and warmed her hands as she waited.
“So, you have nothing to say?” Joey asked, breaking the silence.
“I have a lot to say. Doubt you would like my professional perspective though.”
“I want to know.”
“Ok, here it is. Any kind of relationship with Dawson, platonic or otherwise, would never work as he sees you as his property. He carries his entitlement around like it’s his right. As you said, he sees life as a movie and he is the director, so he’s already cast you in the role of love interest. We all know the plight of female characters in male driven media. They are portrayed as nothing more than pretty dolls with no agency. Dawson seems like he’s been coddled and enabled his entire life, so he feels threatened every time your attention is not on him all the time. How was that so far?” Emily spoke in a measured professional tone as she recited her opinion on Dawson, which had Joey flinching at certain points.
“You make Dawson sound like an asshole, a bad guy. He’s not. What makes you say all that?” Joey insisted.
“I’m going by the events you recounted to me. How is he a good guy, then? All I needed to know about the guy was that he read your journal without your consent. And blamed you for his mistake. ” Emily replied as she sipped her black coffee.
“Well, he’s my best friend. He’s someone that I grew up with.”
“Still not convinced, Joey. Alright go on. What happened after?”
“Well, nothing. Then he found out Jack kissed me at a school dance and he blew up at me.” Joey said.
“So he blamed you for the actions of another guy. I’m not surprised he lashed out in anger,” Emily said with a deadpan tone to her voice.
“We broke up. I said I wanted to find myself and who I was without him. I started to date Jack.”
“The one who kissed you? Got it. I take it Dawson didn’t like that. How was your relationship with Jack?” Emily turned her gaze , taking in the somewhat relaxed posture of the young woman.
“Jack was awesome. We bonded over art. He listened to me. It was nice to be with someone who knew nothing about my drama-filled family life.
“I like this Jack, he listened. That’s a big difference compared to Dawson.”
“Dawson listened to me.” Joey responded, and trailed off at the eyebrow lift from Emily.
“Agree to disagree on that one. Dawson didn’t listen to you. He felt he owned you. There’s a difference. So what happened to Jack?”
“Long story short, he was forced to come out. There’s a poem he had to read out loud in English class, which caused a ripple effect. Jack turned out to be gay, and he had a hard time with everything being the only gay kid in school.”
“Oh Joey, that’s tough for him. How’s he doing now? Coming out can be a daunting experience for anybody to deal with, but being forced to come out before you are ready to deal with the repercussions is not a painless experience.” Emily said, staring off into the distance as she recalled her own clients with their coming out experiences.
“It was a confusing time for Jack and there was nothing much I could have done for him, other than continue to be his friend. I was hurt obviously, but it wasn’t me. Then Dawson’s surprise 16th birthday party brought everything out in the open.”
Emily furrowed her brow, sensing more about the story. She waved her hand for Joey to continue. Joey straightened her seat before getting up and paced.
“Pacey and I planned this whole surprise party for Dawson. Pacey is one of Dawson’s other best friends. He kept Dawson occupied while I got everything arranged at his house. Dawson got sloshed and turned up to his party in a state. He turned into a different person.`` Joey said, with a wave of her hand brushing the air in front of her. Emily noticed the shifty eyes and bitten lips and raised her eyebrows at the blatant glossing over of that party. Something happened.
Emily decided not to say anything but stare at Joey, and her increasingly restless state indicative of her about cracking.
“Right. He wasn’t a different person, per se, more of an asshole to the highest order. He aired out his parent’s marital problem, called his dad out on his dreamer-like inability to get a paying job, made his ex-girlfriend out to be a giant whore, mocked Jack’s sexuality and made a joke out of me finding myself.” Joey said. Emily blinked in shock, not expecting that laundry list of offenses to wade through.
“Wow. No offense, Joey but your lifelong best friend is way more than an asshole. Dear heavens, he must have been mortified the next day and knee deep in groveling. What about Pacey? Did he escape Dawson’s drunken evisceration?”
“No, he got it the worst. Dawson told him to stop trying to change and be a good student and boyfriend. He told him he liked when Pacey was a screw up so he can feel better about his life.” Joey whispered, her ashamed brown eyes shifted away from the piecing gaze of the perceptive woman.
“Wow. I have no words. So I take it Dawson never apologized for anything he said while in the bottle?”
“No.”
“And you’re still friends?”
“Look, he was drunk. His parents were going through a divorce.” Joey’s voice rose in defense of her friend.
“That’s no excuse for being a shitty friend. Being drunk is not a free pass. Anyways, what happened after that?” Emily said as she took another sip of her coffee.
“My dad got released from prison and we sort of started again.”
“Oh brother.”
“It felt expected, like it was time for us to try again. I guess I needed to be sure if we were meant to be.” Joey said. Her fingers pulled at the frayed edges of her carpenter jeans. Her hair fell forward as a barrier from Emily.
“Let me guess. It didn’t work out again.” Emily asked, knowing the answer.
“Dawson had seen my dad dealing drugs again.”
“Damn, Joey. That’s heavy. That must have been a hard conversation for him to have with you. So how did that go?” Emily leaned forward and laid her hand on the teenager’s hunched shoulders.
“He didn’t tell me. He went to his parents and they had gone to the police before I even found out.”
“Jesus, that was the wrong move.”
“Yes, it was. I went to the police station with Dawson and his parents where the sheriff was adamant about sending my father back to jail. He said that if they were to find the evidence, he would go away for life. If he confessed, he might get a more lenient conviction.”
“Where was your older sister in this whole situation? Why wasn’t she there? I am sorry if I’m prying. That is just a really tough spot to be in with no support.”
“I had support. The Leerys were there.”
“No, Joey. You had no support. Dawson’s parents were there for Dawson. Not for you. Did you feel supported?” Emily asked. Compassionate eyes met the brown pools while Joey bounced off her seat and paced.
“No, I didn’t. I felt cornered.” Joey squeezed out.
“What happened, honey?”
“I - I had to wear a wire and get my father to confess to dealing again. I watched him, handcuffed as he was taken away again from me and it was me who did it. I was so enraged at Dawson for not listening to me when I begged him to leave it alone. And he had the gall to keep saying he did the right thing.”
“Ahh I understand. He wrote himself as the sacrificial hero, doing the right thing.”
“Pretty much. I told I would never forgive him for what he set in motion. Then he left for the summer at some internship program his mother got for him at the news station she worked for.” Joey breathed out, emotions clogged her throat as the memory of her father’s face when she lifted her shirt and he saw the wire attached to her stomach. Images that never left her.
“So he patted himself on the back for being the ‘hero’ and then walked away from dealing with the fallout of the emotional trauma. What a standup guy. Your sister must have been pissed as fu- I mean all hell at what he did.”
“When he came back from the summer for the start of junior year, I wanted to talk to him. I was so scared that he wouldn’t be my friend again that I did something stupid.” Joey said. Fingers combed her air as she continued to pace. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Emily’s head turned to Joey, and waited for her to continue with the story, not missing her agitation.
“I waited up in his room, and I threw myself at him.” Joey whispered the last part. She whirled around and braced herself for judgment from the other woman. Lifting her eyebrow, Emily twirled her hand to go on.
“No judgment here. What happened?”
“Well, he rejected me. He said we needed to move forward and to forge our own paths.”
“I’m impressed. A beautiful woman threw herself on him and he respected you enough not to use you. Ok. This Dawson guy gets some points back.’
“We kind of drifted apart. I found out later on this year that he sent Pacey to look out for me, and he’s become my best friend. To make a long story short, I realized I had feelings of the romantic sort when he kissed on the side of the road. It’s so messy and complicated. I fell in love with my ex’s best friend.” Joey explained in one breath. She sat down at the edge of the seat, energy lancing through her body at the heartfelt admission.
“I can see where that can be messy and complicated, but I fail to see what the big deal is. I mean Dawson and you were broken up at the time. I assume Pacey was unattached as well?”
“Yes, he broke up with his girlfriend at the beginning of the year when she told him she slept with someone else.”
“That’s tough. So what’s making you sad?” Emily asked.
“Pacey is the kind of person who shows you how he feels through action. Like he got into a fight defending me from this rich asshole when he defaced my mural for school. He has always been that person to challenge me and push me outside of my comfort zone. He makes these grand gestures but it’s not cheesy or cliched.”
“Hmm interesting. So one boy denigrates your passion for art, and the other defends it.That’s a great person to have in your corner.”
“It’s not only that. I mean, Pacey is the kind of person who will go out of his way to help you, and expect nothing in return. He has the most beautiful heart. Some people don’t see it because of his devil may care charm.” Joey said, with a faraway look in her eyes as she gazed at the serene water. Emily smiled as she noticed Joey’s spark when talking about the other boy.
“He sounds wonderful, Joey. What’s the problem?”
“Dawson.”
“What about him? He broke up with you. He wanted to forge separate paths.” Emily said, already getting an inkling of what the issue was but wanted Joey to articulate the sentiment herself.
“When he found out about our relationship, he didn’t take it too well. We were sneaking around everyone’s backs. We tried to tell him but something always got in the way.” Pain and frustration in her voice.
“Why was it so hard to tell him?” Emily asked, softly.
“I tried to tell him. I was in his room and he was watching ‘The Last Picture Show’. It was the movie we watched on our first date. I was trying to find the right moment to tell him but I couldn’t.” Joey said.
“He knew then, Joey. You didn’t need to tell him a thing.” Emily said in her no nonsense voice. She sipped her now cool coffee to give Joey time to process.
“What…what makes you say he knew already?” Joey asked, a bite to her tone. She didn’t want to think about the implications of Dawson’s character if he already knew about Pacey at that point. Could he be so cruel?
“Look at me.” Emily waited on the brown eyes to meet her gaze before continuing. “ He knew. Nothing about that setup was a coincidence. It means that he was watching the movie from your first date for a reason. It’s not a coincidence about the plot of that movie. Two best friends fall in love with the same women destroying friendships. I bet that’s how he described it. Didn’t he?”
“Yes, I didn’t know what the movie was about. Once he summarized the plot, I just couldn’t tell him about me and Pacey. I choked. You really think he knew?” Joey said, uncertain as to the tears welling up in her eyes.
“Yes. He knew.” Emily said.
“Why would he not say anything? He asked what I wanted to tell him and he already knew? Who does something like that?” Joey raised her voice in anger, tears falling down her face as she swiped it away.
“If I may interject again. My take is he was creating a scene. He wanted to show you you would lose his friendship if you pursued your heart’s desire. It’s underhanded and cruel, but fits with his penchant for creating and directing his life like a movie, as you said.” Emily said, her tone taking on the cadence of her profession.
“That seems likely. I can see him doing that. But why? We were broken up for months by this point. He cannot act like I dumped him for someone else. He said he wanted to explore our individual paths, away from each other.” Joey said.
“Hmm. I have some thoughts but I want to know before I say anything. So how did Dawson find out about you and Pacey?”
“Jen, one of our friends, accidentally told him. She thought he knew. He overheard Pacey and I arguing on his front porch about telling him. Pacey had wanted to be the one to tell him.”
“I guess he didn’t handle it well, did he?” Compassion laced in her voice. Emily took the last sip of her now lukewarm coffee.
“No, he didn’t. He went completely mental. He was so livid that he couldn’t even look at us. I followed him up to his room to talk, and he said some truly harsh words. He gave me an ultimatum. He wanted me to choose. He didn’t want to be a consolation prize.” Joey said, a dead tone in her voice as she recalled the rife scene in his bedroom, still disbelieving of her friend’s cruelty. Joey narrated more of the scene about what Dawson had said.
“I can’t say I’m surprised. A consolation prize, you say?” Emily made some non-committal sounds, straightening Joey’s spine.
“He was angry. He didn’t mean to-” Joey started.
“Yes, he did. Stop making excuses for his shitty attitude. He meant what he said. Did he apologize after?” Emily asked.
Joey remained silent, bristling with the older woman’s candor.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt me.” Joey finally said, voice soft. Her brown eyes glistened as she turned to the other woman, swallowing the bile rising in her throat.
“He may not have meant to hurt you, but he didn’t care that he did. What’s a consolation prize, Joey? He equated a friendship with you as something the loser gets in a competition. A friendship I gather you hold in the highest regard, and he cheapened it as nothing more than a bargaining chip, a manipulation tactic. He put your friendship as a gamble.”
“I didn’t choose. I couldn’t.” Joey admitted, as a shaky hand passed through her straight brown hair.
“That’s a choice, Joey. Refusing to make a choice is a choice.”
“I just want things to go back to the way it was before. I don’t want to hurt Pacey. I don’t want to lose Dawson as a friend. Everything’s a mess.”
“Life is messy, Joey. You just have to pick what you clean up and deal with and what mess to leave behind. You can’t go back, only forward, a little more battle scarred and a little wiser, hopefully.”
“I understand. Believe me, I understand about not being able to go back. I’ve just been trying to rebuild my friendship with Dawson, while I think he’s trying to get us back together. He said as much at the boat race,” Joey said
“Shocking.” Emily deadpanned as she shook her head.
“Stop it. Stop doing that! If you have something to say, just say it.”
Emily sat up straighter in her chair as thoughts whizzed through her mind, the images of a televised regatta in her mind.
“Wait. Was he the one disqualified in a boat race by any chance? I saw a clip on the news on my first day here.” Emily said as she squinted her gaze in the distance.
“Oh God. Yes, the Capeside Regatta.” Joey groaned. “Dawson entered the race. Pacey had already entered a month before, sponsored by Dawson’s mom’s restaurant.” Joey said, her feelings of being fought over like a toy coming back to her mind. Her hand went to her temple, massaging the tension there as the memories of that day came to mind.
“Why did Dawson enter the race? Does he sail too?” Emily asked, already knowing the answer. Her hackles fired up as the picture of this Dawson Leery character became clearer and cleared. She saw so many red flags and was hoping to help this young woman navigate a complicated situation.
“No, he doesn’t. He entered to give the B and B some free advertising.” Joey said. Her head lifted at the woman’s scoff.
“Do you believe that? The news station replayed the race a few times and getting disqualified for playing maritime chicken is not the positive publicity the B and B were looking for.”
Joey inhaled a long breath as the race itself replayed in her mind, her heart in her throat as she watched Dawson barrel straight for True Love. She remained silent, a prisoner of her own thoughts. Emily turned her gaze to Joey and paused for her nod to continue.
“Positive publicity for the B and B was the furthest thing from Dawson’s mind when he entered the competition. If it was, he wouldn’t have gotten disqualified.” Emily said as she rolled her eyes in Joey’s direction. Brown eyes glistened with the overwhelming feeling of being a fought over plush toy. Anger coursed through her body, ignited all her nerve endings with a rage she couldn’t contain. She didn’t want to.
“I felt like I was nothing more than a fucking toy,” Joey bit out. She rocketed off her chair and walked a few steps away before turning back, chest heaving.
“If you felt like a toy, it’s because you are one in Dawson’s estimation. More to the point, you were a toy that was taken away from him. Why is he your friend? You’re clinging onto a friendship Dawson referred to as a consolation prize.” Emily thought it was prudent to remind Joey of that.
“I grew up with him. He knows my past. I need to get the friendship back to the way it was before.” Joey noticed the lift of that sardonic brow, swallowed the bile rising in her throat, already sensing some more harsh truths she would never be ready to face.
“You can’t rebuild a friendship if you are the only one laying the bricks. Not when the other person expressed a desire for more. You’re not on the same page, not even the same book. Until you are honest with Dawson about what you want and what you don’t want, your situation is going to remain complicated. And Dawson is going to take advantage of every opportunity to guilt you into reconciling. So I will ask you, what do you want?” Emily asked. Her gaze unrelenting as she emphasized her question.
Joey pushed her hands onto her eyes, a harsh breath escaping from her chest.
What do I want? I want Pacey. But I don’t want to lose Dawson's friendship
“I want everything to go back to what it was, before Pacey kissed me on the side of that road, before he forced me to analyze my feelings.” Joey shouted, tears choking her voice.
“Tough luck, Jo. You can’t go back. Why do you need his friendship so badly?” Emily asked. A delicate hand passed through her hair, feigning disinterest in the young teen’s answer. She needs to face some harsh truths and she’s too scared to ask herself the right questions.
Silence.
“It shouldn’t be a hard question, Joey. It should be easy to tell me why your friendship with Dawson is so important? Go ahead. Give me a few reasons.” Emily lounged back in the chair, arms crossed, waiting on a response.
“We’ve been in each other’s lives for over a decade. He’s just my best friend.” Joey stammered.
“It’s prom season, isn’t it?” Emily asked, a non sequitur jolting Joey out of her frustration. She scoffed at the other woman.
“Yes, what does that have to do with anything?” Joey asked, confused.
“Dawson will ask you to prom.” Emily said, point blank.
“That doesn’t make any sense, what are you talking about?” Joey asked. Emily reached over and gripped Joey’s hand.
“Dawson perceives himself as the writer and director of his life, and everyone in it, plays a part according to his script. Prom is a perfect setting, an ideal set up, if you will for a reconciliation. That’s why he will ask you, He will push your buttons on going just as friends. He will make it seem that it would be a fun night to solidify your newfound friendship, while hitting the nostalgia notes of experiencing a high school rite of passage with his oldest friend. So again I ask, what do you want? Do you want to go to prom with Dawson?” Emily said.
“It’s complicated. Saying no would cause him to get hurt and think I wasn’t committed to our friendship.” Joey said, her eyes flicking back and forth as she contemplated the very real possibility of Dawson asking her.
“It’s not your responsibility to protect his feelings, Joey. I get it. Believe me, I get it. The thought of hurting someone you care about doesn’t sit right with you. But here’s the other side of the coin: lies hurt more. So I ask again. Be honest. Would you go to prom with Dawson?” Emily said, with an inflection in her voice.
Why is it so hard for this young woman to be honest with herself? Jeez, it’s like pulling teeth.
“I doubt he would even ask. But if he did, I would suck it up and go. I am trying to repair the friendship.” Joey said. Brown eyes flitting everywhere but the discerning and strangely knowing gaze of the other woman.
“I don’t care about Dawson’s feelings. I’m asking you about yours. Do you want to go with Dawson?” Emily articulated every word. Her eyes not letting Joey shift away, forcing a response.
“No, I don’t.” Joey finally said, as she exhaled a relieved breath.
“Congratulations. You’ve just declared your intentions. You want some advice on how to uncomplicate your life?”
“Would I be pouring my heart out to a stranger, if I didn’t?” Joey snarked. Emily laughed.
“Ask yourself these four questions: What do you want? What do you need? What do you think? And how do you feel? Don’t ever forget that you matter. You matter. Your comfort and wellbeing matters.” Emily said.
“Hey Emily, thanks. Is it so wrong not wanting to widen the chasm between Dawson and I?” Joey said.
Emily took in a deep breath with her eyes closed, and lids scanning left to right, like her sight was taking in a work of deep concentration.
“Why is it so important to you? Explain why you are clinging onto this friendship? Convince it is a worthwhile connection.”
Joey’s jaw flapped, a grimace on her face, and her resolve faltering as she couldn’t find an adequate reason.
“He’s my childhood friend. He’s been there for me for over a decade. That history should mean something.”
“Of course history matters. Even if it is just history. Something you think back on fondly, but look to the future. I think that is what terrifies you. Dawson and everything around him has represented safety and stability for you. Here’s something you learn later on in life. You can’t pin your happiness or stability or purpose on anyone. You are the only one who can make sure the ground beneath your feet is solid. If your sense of stability is dependent on a person, it gives them the power to pull the rug out from right under your feet. And that’s what Dawson did. He callously threw your friendship on the gambling table, giving that petty ultimatum. That’s not the actions of a genuine friend.”
“Ok, oh great and all knowing oracle. Tell me what to do.” Joey shifted in her seat, pulled her legs under her while resting her chin on her hand. Emily’s spirited laugh twinkled through the atmosphere breaking the tension.
“Simple. Do what you want. I will ask again. Do you want to go to prom with him , if he asks?” Emily said as she leaned forward in Joey’s direction, waiting on her to meet her eyes.
Eye contact. A look around and a deep breath, Joey straightened her spine.
“No I don’t.”
“ Bravo. You said what you want. You set a boundary. It’s up to Dawson whether he respects it or not. ” Emily began a slow clap a few times and smiled at Joey.
“He won’t. He likes getting his way.” Joey snarked.
“Fuck that. Pardon my French. His reaction is 100% not your concern. He clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries once they go against what he wants. It’s not your responsibility to protect his ego. You are the main character in your story, not the love interest in his. Dawson doesn’t respect you. Point blank.” Emily said.
“He respects me. He just shows it differently.” Joey said, voice soft enough to be heard. Loud enough to know she doesn’t truly believe what she just said. Emily shook her head and tilted it to the side, a small line across her mouth.
“If Dawson Leery respected you, he would’ve made sure you had a French stamp in your passport. If Dawson Leery respected you, the thought of reading your journal wouldn’t enter into your mind, much less blame you. If Dawson Leery respected you, he would have never made a choice that directly affects your family without your consent and input. Dawson doesn’t respect you. I wager he never did once your friendship shifted into a romance.”
“I guess romance complicated everything. I don’t regret dating Dawson. At least now I know we don’t work.” Joey said, relaxed.
“It would never work. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you own them. Trust, honesty and respect are totally lacking in your relationship, platonic or not.”
“I see that. Still, I’m scared to lose his friendship.” Joey said, with a catch in her throat. Emily stood up from her seat and knelt down in front of Joey, and patted her hand.
“Joey, why would you lose him? Telling a friend no shouldn’t lose you, that friend, if he can’t respect your ‘no’, if you don’t feel safe enough to be honest, is he really the friend you want to carry into the next phase of your life?” Emily got off her knees and cringed at the creak, feeling her age more than ever, and patted Joey on her way around the seated woman.
“Before I go, I want you to do me a favor.” Emily said. Joey lifted her head and her eyebrow, waiting on the request.
“What is it?”
“When Dawson asks you to go to Prom, say no, no matter how platonic he paints it as, no matter how he frames it as a rite of passage… say no. Just no. No explanations or justifications. It’s empowering to say no. No is a valid answer. Trust me on that. And then I want you to look at him. Don’t see him as Dawson, your best friend. Look at him as a human being who had just been told no and won’t be getting his way. Watch his face when you say no. Watch his eyes as you stick to that no. Then come and tell me he’s a good guy.” Emily said. She stretched her arms overhead, feeling all the muscles and joints grind and pull. As she shrunk, she noticed the lost look in the teen’s eyes.
Joey inhaled, held her breath and released in a loud puff of air, releasing all the tension and uncertainty. She stood up, had a few inches of height on the other woman and glanced down.
“Say no, I can say no. I really don’t want to go with him. It would be awkward. I know him.”
“Parting is such sweet sorrow, Joey. It was lovely chatting with you. I hope you get to experience the thrill of power by saying no. It’s something that took me a long time to learn how to do. No, I don’t want to go on a date with you. No, I will no longer be working unpaid overtime. No, I won’t be giving up my vacation leave. Here’s some inspiration. If my prediction is right and Dawson asks you, I will give you five hundred dollars. Tell him no and stick to it, I’ll add a grand for your college fund.” Emily said, with a gentle hand patting Joey’s shoulder. Joey’s eyes widened at hearing the money.
“Thank you for listening to me, Emily. I won’t take your money.”
“Yes, you will take it. It will be in an envelope tomorrow morning at the check-in counter. I want to hear about this other guy in this scalene triangle. He’s got to be better than this guy,” Emily said as she waved goodbye.
—--------------------------------------------------
A few days passed and Emily’s words still reverberated in Joey’s mind as she walked home with Dawson at her side. She can feel his tension.
“Joey, so prom is coming up, and I know we are not the prom going type. Would you be my date for Prom? Just as friends.” Dawson asked, with an expectant smile on his face, waiting for her response.
“Prom, Dawson. I cannot think of anywhere I want to go less than Prom. No thanks.” Joey said, a foreboding feeling crept her spine, as Emily's prediction came to her mind.
Well, at least I’m five hundred dollars richer.
“Ah come on Joey, it’s a high school rite of passage. What could be better than experiencing that with a friend. No pressure. I won’t even get you a corsage.” Dawson cajoled. Joey shook her head in incredulity at Emily’s perceptiveness. She got it word for word.
What do you want? Well, I definitely don’t want to go to Prom with Dawson.
What do you need? I need Pacey.
What do you think? I think I am going to puke. How can I tell him no without hurting his feelings and causing a confrontation?
How do you feel? Backed into a corner.
Joey took in a deep breath and scanned the ground around her feet as she pulled in a few silent fortifying breaths.
“You know that going to prom is about as appealing as getting my legs waxed, thanks but no thanks, Dawson.” Joey sassed, an insouciant smile on her face as she pivoted and stepped towards her front door. Dawson restrained her movement with a tight grip on her arm. She glanced up at his face, noticing, maybe for the first time, the pinched look on his face when he didn’t get his way.
“Come on, Joey. You don’t mean that. It would be fun.” Dawson whined, a pleading look in his eyes, one she recognized as that was the look that got him his way all the time.
“Until you are honest with Dawson about what you want and what you don’t want, your situation is going to remain complicated. And Dawson is going to take advantage of every opportunity to guilt you into reconciling.”
Joey scrunched her eyes closed as she heard Emily’s firm voice state so clearly the first step on what she had to do to clean up the disaster that is her life.
I really don’t want to go with Dawson. It would be uncomfortable as hell. It won’t be fair. I know I would wish I was in Pacey’s arms the whole night. You can do this, Potter.
“Let me go, Dawson.” Joey said, feeling his grip tighten slightly as he pulled her in closer to him. Joey noticed the heated flare in his eyes.
Was he getting off on this macho show of dominance? What did Emily call this? She pegged Dawson from one conversation with me. It’s time to be honest with Dawson. Brutally so.
“Not until you agree to be my date for Prom.” Dawson said, smiling. Something was off with his smile, something was missing. As Joey peered closer, it was a perfectly executed smile, yet she noticed a stiffness to it that belied ice beneath the veneer. Upon Joey’s no response, the smile slipped off his face before a harder look took over. His grasp constricted and without even looking, she knew it would leave an impression of five fingers.
“What part of letting me go was difficult to understand? You are hurting me, Dawson. I won’t ask again.” Joey said, voice and tone hard. At her tone, Dawson finally let go, and widened his eyes when he noticed the forming bruises.
“I. Don’t. Want. To. Go. To. Prom. With. You.” Joey said as she exaggerated each word, head tilted when a quick flash of him standing on his front porch as he railed into Pacey seeped into her mind. Joey inhaled a deep breath and instantly felt lighter.
He really hasn’t grown up at all. Not even a little. He never could handle hearing no. As Emily said, it’s not my problem how he handles my truth.
“Joey, why not? Don’t you want to have fun with me as friends? It’s like you don’t even want to spend time with me to repair our friendship and get it back on track?” Dawson groused, with a deeper frown on his face.
Was he always like this? Has it always been like this where he moans and whines until he gets his way? Was I really that much of a doormat in the past?
“I said no.” Joey said, swallowing her nerves as she observed the boy in front of her. Silent and condemning eyes noticed his tightening jaw, grinding teeth and eyes no longer friendly. His script faded into nothing in his very hands. His narrative derailed into a direction where his girl had her own agency.
“Why? You owe me.” Dawson spat out, his face inched closer to Joey.
“I don’t owe you anything, Dawson. I am being honest with you,” Joey said, as she counted all the threads of his good guy façade unraveling.
“Is there someone else?” Dawson asked, voice hard and unforgiving. Arms crossed over his chest as he moved in even closer to Joey.
A wicked thought entered Joey’s mind.
“I was actually thinking of asking Pacey,” Joey dropped that bomb and waited for the words to hit, getting a sick thrill at each strike.
“What? How could you? After everything. You are just going to throw us away. It’s our time now.” Dawson groused.
“I don’t want to get back together with you. We don’t work romantically, and I have no desire or inclination to revisit that wreckage. We can’t fix our friendship without honesty, so here it is. I fell in love with Pacey.” Joey said. Dawson opened his mouth to retort and closed it at the hand in front of his face.
“It was unexpected. Pacey became the most important person in my world. The one I feel the safest with. I will not apologize for my feelings. I did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong.” Joey said. The pressure in her chest lightened with each sentence. Her resolve deepened into her core, rooting to the depth and strength of her truth.
“You can’t have both of us. Think carefully. Are you really going to throw away a lifetime friendship for a passing fancy?” Dawson raged. His hands raised to bracket her shoulders and shook her to the cadence of each word. Joey felt a red haze of rage overtake her as she shoved him away.
Again? Another fucking ultimatum. Are you kidding me?
“Are you serious right now?” Joey said. Her brown eyes blazed into Dawson, a voice so soft, it was almost a deadly caress.
“I am. I can’t watch you be with him and be your friend. It’s not how it’s supposed to be,” Dawson said, missing the venom in Joey’s gaze.
Joey looked down at the grass, taking in the blend of colors, while feeling the bite of her blunt nails in the soft palm of her hands.
She put her hand out. Dawson looked at it for a few seconds and then looked at her in the face. There was something different in her face, yet he was too oblivious to feel the distance that she was setting up.
“What’s this?” Dawson sneered as he gestured to her stretched out hand. Joey reached out and grabbed his hand in a pseudo handshake, squeezing his delicate hand before the release.
“Twelve years of friendship is nothing to scoff at. All things must end sometime,” Joey said as she turned to walk away.
“Are you joking?” Dawson said as he boiled over at the thought of Joey not being his anymore. Much less Pacey’s.
“Not joking."
"You are throwing away our friendship. You’re not thinking straight.” Dawson said, in a cajoling tone of voice.
“You don’t get to put this on me. You threw it away by constantly using our friendship as emotional leverage. This is your second ultimatum. There’s only so much ultimatums you can issue before the odds don’t land in your favor. I’m done playing your game.”
“We can’t go back.” Dawson said, thinking that would persuade Joey to change her mind. She laughed and turned to him fully to give more voice to her truths that she had silenced for so long.
“Who the hell wants to go back? Recently, I realized something. I am the main character in my story and Pacey is the main character in his. We are not props in your reality. Nor are we obligated to continue to play into the roles you’ve assigned us. I chose Pacey. I chose myself. That’s it.” Joey said.
Last words echoed in his mind. She chose Pacey over him. Dawson paced back and forth, muttering to himself as he combed his hair in agitation. A wolf whistle pierced through the air, distracting Joey from Dawson’s mental gymnastics. Right there on the porch stood Emily, swiping palm over her other palm with a proud smile on her face.
“Hey Dawson, could you have your director’s meltdown somewhere else? You are scaring the paying guests.”