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Colin opens his eyes, but this time, he’s in his bed. He’s in his bed, in his own pajamas, under his own comforter.
He breathes, and it feels like the first time in a long time that he’s truly done it.
He wagers it has. The air in the hospital felt borrowed, and he was holding his breath half the time.
Colin crawls out of bed, slowly. He’s still recovering, of course.
Around 3 weeks ago, Colin started physical therapy. It was a miracle how essentially no damage had been done to him, other than leaving a nasty scar from his cheek and down by his ear.
So, just to be safe, Colin takes everything slow.
He doesn’t drive himself anywhere. His hands shake, and it’s too much information to focus on. So, his mother and Mare drive him everywhere instead.
It makes him mad, because he wants to take care of himself. He’s already a lair and burden, and miracles run out after all.
But Judy and Mare are insistent, patient, and understanding. All of it makes him want to cry, but he thinks that might make his pride hurt worse.
--
Today, Colin had wanted to go shopping. Mare was going to drive him, and he’d come out of the store with a pretty bouquet of flowers to thank her, and maybe they’d get lunch together.
Instead, Colin’s plans are foiled.
“So, Mr. Zabel, would you like to try coming back?”
The question shocked him.
There was a lot of required paperwork and procedures, but if Colin wanted, he could go back. Go back to the county. Go back a hero, a real one this time. Have something to be proud of, and use his new skills to help more people.
There was a lot of required paperwork and procedures. Colin would be stuck with small, useless work until he was well enough to do anything real. He’d go back to the county, a stranger, who wouldn’t even have the exact face.
Colin would return himself, but with a whole lot more. So did that mean it was even really him anymore?
Colin’s hands shook, and the phone shifted in his uneasy grasp. “Hello? Mr. Zabel? Colin?” The voice over the phone asked. It asked and asked and asked and asked and asked and-- Colin gasped in a short breath, “I don’t…. Can I have more time to think it over?” He asked, voice weak.
The person on the phone barely took notice. “Of course! Take all the time you need!” They said, “You’re a miracle case after all.” They cheered.
It was a simple sentence tacked on. Miracle case . But it was enough to send Colin over the edge.
The second he hung up the phone, the line dying with a satisfying beep, he knew his answer.
Colin slid his back down the wall. He covered his face with his hands, feeling suddenly horribly distraught. He didn’t want to be a miracle case . He didn’t want to be a miracle . He just wanted to be Colin Zabel. Not detective , or miracle , or anything . Just Colin Zabel.
His breath hitched. Even as he tried to fight it, Colin's throat tightened, and his eyes burned. And he cried until he couldn’t anymore.
--
Mare knew there was something off with him the second he entered the car. “Can you take me to the store?” he asked, voice a little lower than usual. His back was arched and he was hunched some as he sat in the passenger side.
Mare had known him for a good while now. And for a good while now, they’d been… something .
A very good, and very pleasant something .
So, Mare knew Colin well. She knew when he was upset, and all of his little tells.
“Something happen?” Mare asked, eyes fixed on the road. Colin shifted, hands secured around his seatbelt where it pulled against his chest. There was a pause, and they both knew Colin couldn’t hide anything from Mare.
“I guess so, yeah.” Colin relented. “The county called me.” he said, motioning with his hands.
Mare turned to look at him briefly. “Oh, really?” She asked. “What’d they want?” She questioned, like she didn’t already know. Colin shifted in his seat again. “They wanted to know if I was coming back or not.” He explained.
Mare nodded, pulling some of her fingers off the steering wheel to gesture. “And?” She pressed. Colin squirmed, he knew what he wanted. He just didn’t know if it was right or not.
“I told them I needed more time.” Colin replied. Mare raised an eyebrow, “And do you?” She pressed further.
Colin swallowed thickly, throat closing up. It took him a moment to reply. “ No .”
--
Mare pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store. Colin went to exit, only to find the door locks slam down. He turned his head back to her, confused.
“Are you going to quit your job, Zabel?” Mare asked sharply. Colin frowned. “Yeah, I uh, yeah.” Colin managed.
Mare nodded, and he could tell she didn’t fully accept it.
“I just… I can’t.” Colin said. He’d always been open, and almost oversharing. It shocked Mare that he very clearly held his tongue.
“Why not?” Mare prodded. She knew he was very sensitive about it. But she also knew how Colin worked. He was open about his problems, which often helped him through them. She wouldn’t have him shut down now, not after how far he’d come already.
Colin looked displeased that she’d decided to keep asking. “Can we not talk about this now? I need to go shopping.” Colin huffed. Mare rolled her eyes, “Yes, we need to do this now.” she gruffed, clearly making no exceptions.
Colin sighed, and slumped some in the seat.
“Fine. I guess I just…” He tried, voice trailing. Mare wasn’t always patient, but this was important. So she held out as Colin tried and failed to form his thoughts.
“I just, I can’t stand the thought of it. Honestly, Mare, it terrifies me.” he said, voice low and horribly tired sounding.
Mare pressed her hand on top of his, wanting somehow to comfort him. She’d never been very good at that, but she was trying. “That’s ok, Colin. But are you sure you want to pull back fully?” She asked.
Colin’s hand shook under her’s, and she squeezed.
“Yes. Oh god, Mare, it makes me so afraid. And then i feel so stupid for being scared.” Colin choked. “I’m a fully grown man.” He said.
“But I can hear it, and feel it. The gunshot I mean. Sometimes, when I turned around, I can still feel him staring at me.” Colin added, as if to justify himself. Or maybe, just to share the load of his fear.
Mare was happy to share the load.
“I know, Colin.” she sighed. Maybe it was best that Colin let this one thing go. He’d been fighting so hard. Maybe, of all the things, this was the one to die with that bullet.
“It’s ok, don’t feel ashamed.” Mare said, although it sort of sounded like an order. Colin nodded, taking slow breaths.
“He’s gone. It’s just you and me now.” Mare promised. She squeezed his hand again, and wished that she could somehow fix everything. (But she’d always wanted to fix all the things in her life that always seemed to inevitably break).
“Right. It’s just you and me.” Colin reiterated, cementing the notion in his mind.
Just her and him. Just Mare and Colin.
--
In the end, Colin had managed to find a very pretty bouquet of dark red flowers. Mare had pretended not to like it as much as she really, really did--And Colin pretended not to know how much she actually liked them.
The two had driven to a small coffee shop that sold sandwiches and head lunch.
Just like Colin had planned.
His life was just full of miracles and second chances.
Maybe… letting his job as detective go was his second take. He was going to take a chance, and let himself go of one more worry.