Chapter Text
???: “…”
???: “What…?”
Edd sat up from his position on the floor. Looking around, he realized that he was in… a classroom?
Edd: (Why am I in a classroom? I thought I graduated ages ago.)
Edd stood to get a better look at the place. It was, indeed, a classroom. The lights were off, and what windows there were were closed by what appeared to be metal. He began to search for a light switch or something of the like but nearly tripped over something- or someone- else on the floor.
Edd: “What the-?!”
The person stood, rubbing his head, where he had been injured. It was Tom.
Tom: “God, Edd, could you be more careful?”
Edd: “It’s dark and there are desks everywhere. Sue me for nearly bumping into something.”
Tom searched his pockets but came short of anything.
Tom: “What- Where’s my… Where is anything of mine?!”
Edd: “What’s wrong?”
Tom: “I don’t have anything! There’s nothing in my pockets!”
Edd: “Nothing?”
Tom: “Well, there’s this paper, like that’ll help-”
Tom took a paper out of his hoodie pocket. It appeared to be an identification folder or something of the like.
Tom: ““Ultimate Bassist”... what is this?”
Edd searched his pockets as well, finding a similar paper in his jacket pocket. He looked it over.
“ Edd Sworld - Ultimate Cartoonist
Congratulations! You have been chosen as the Ultimate Cartoonist for this game. Ultimate talents are given to those in the highest caliber of their respective talent in the country.
Please meet in the gym as soon as possible.”
Edd: “This is silly. Surely I’m not the best in the whole country.”
Tom: “These are probably just made up. No, they are made up. This is probably some elaborate prank from Matt and Tord.”
Edd: “Yeah, this is something they’d come up with together. Let’s go.”
They found a door and found it unlocked. Outside the room was a hallway that heavily reminded them of a school’s, sans the high ceilings. The hall had monitors in it, like little TV screens. Edd decided not to question those for now.
Edd: “Err, so… what do we do now?”
Tom: “Look through the other rooms? I dunno, Sherlock, I just got here, too.”
They tried adjacent rooms’ handles, but they seemed to be locked. After a few minutes of wandering, they heard voices inside another room. Edd’s heart would’ve leapt if it weren’t for who he thought it was.
???: “Christ-! Do you really not know what’s going on?! I thought it said you were the best Forensics Scientist or whatever!”
???: “Sorry, that has nothing to do with what’s going on now.”
Edd threw open the door that the voices came from behind. Yep, it was Eduardo and Todd, just as he had feared.
Edd & Eduardo: “I knew you were behind this!”
Tom: “Wait-”
Todd: “Aah! Don’t fight!”
Edd stopped himself from going after Eduardo. Not because he was listening to Todd, no, but because of the paper Eduardo held. It looked like his own, and that probably meant that Eduardo wasn’t behind this.
Edd: “What’s your paper say?”
Eduardo: “Why should I tell you?”
Todd: “It says he’s the Ultimate Painter. Isn’t that neat?”
Edd: “Right…”
Todd: “And I’m the Ultimate Forensic Scientist! How cool, right, J-... Edd!”
Todd: “You know, I hardly get recognized for my job, and it’s refreshing to see otherwise!”
Eduardo: “Ugh, Todd, he didn’t ask.”
Todd: “Oh, right. Sorry.”
Tom: “Well, you two carry on doing… whatever it is you are.”
Tom led Edd out of the room the other two were in. As soon as they did, they bumped into someone else.
???: “Oh, Edd, Tom! Funny seeing you here, huh?”
It was Laurel, from their past filmmaking adventure. She was clutching her paper tightly, as if it were the best news she’d ever received.
Edd: “Oh, Laurel! Do you know anything about the situation?”
Laurel: “Hmm… not really! This paper said I’m the Ultimate Actress! Ahh! I’m so excited!”
Tom: “You, too? Maybe they’re just getting people who know Eduardo here.”
Laurel: “He’s here?!”
Edd: “Yeah… we just left him behind alongside Todd.”
Laurel: “Ugh… then I guess this isn’t what I thought it was. See you, Edd, Tom.”
Edd: “Err… see you?”
Laurel left them behind, going the opposite direction of them. Edd and Tom headed in the same direction they had been. Eventually, they stumbled upon yet more familiar faces.
???: “I’m telling you, Larry, this would be an excellent film! Picture it-”
???: “It wouldn’t. I swear, you just copy things off of video games you find on Steam and say it’s your own idea.”
???: “You’re right-! This could get a great video game adaptation! Call it Dang It Grandpa!”
???: “Jesus Christ…”
Edd: “You’re- You’re that director!”
The pair turned to face Edd.
???: “ Evil, Ultimate Film Director.”
???: “This again… jeez. You’re making yourself look like you did this.”
Bing: “And this is my evil sidekick, Larry. He just barely managed to get the Ultimate Film Writer spot just to continue being my evil sidekick.”
Larry: “They already know who I am, moron.”
Bing: “Oh.”
Edd: “Riiight… how’s the next IZFH film coming along?”
Bing: “7? It’s going just swimmingly… hehehe…”
Larry: “Oh my God…”
Tom: “I’m guessing you don’t know anything, either?”
Larry: “Nope, sorry.”
Tom: “Excellent.”
???: “Hey, Edd!”
Edd furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, and turned to see Hellucard.
Hellucard: “Cool seeing you here, too. I always thought, hey, if I were stuck in a weird school, I’d want it to be with Edd.”
Edd: “Uh huh.”
Hellucard: “I got myself a fun job, by the way! Didja know I’m so good at it that they consider me the best in Canada?”
Edd: “Canada?”
Hellucard: “Yeah… I’m an usher in Canada.”
Edd: “I thought you were from here.”
Hellucard: “Nope.”
Bing and Larry had long gone and Tom was tapping his foot.
Edd: “Do you know anything about-”
Hellucard: “Nah.”
Edd: “I thought so. C’mon, Tom.”
They took off again, stopping at a lobby-like area. They checked the room labelled with a fork and knife first.
Inside was a dining hall-type area. There seemed to be a kitchen in the back as well, complete with a serving window. It also had a monitor in it, on the wall nearest the kitchen.
Oh, there was also-
???: “Edd! Tom! Thank God!”
-Matt. Matt alone, with nobody else in sight.
Matt: “Look, they think I’m a prince!”
He shoved his paper in their faces.
Matt: “Finally, some recognition someone like ME deserves! Truly!”
Edd: (So, obviously, this wasn’t his doing. Maybe it’s Tord’s…?)
???: “It’s not my fault we’re in this situation, before Tom blames me.”
Tord came out of the kitchen, cautiously going between tables.
Tord: “And I’m considered the Ultimate Soldier, before you ask.”
Tom: “Weren’t we in the army, for, like, 7 minutes and 42 seconds?”
Tord: “Haha, I know.”
Edd: “Tom’s just mad you’re better at fighting than he is.”
Tom: “‘m not.”
Tord: “... pardon for being curious, but what talents did the nutjobs running this give you, Edd?”
Edd: “Cartoonist.”
Tord: “You deserve that for sure.”
Tom: “... not going to ask me?”
Tord: “I-”
Edd: “Aaaanyway, does nobody know anything?”
They all stood in collective silence.
Tom: “Wonderful.”
Edd: “Should we… keep looking around?”
Matt: “Yeah!”
Edd: “Should we split up again?”
Matt: “Y- no.”
Tom: “I dunno, maybe we should. It could cover more ground.”
Edd: “Well, then, I’m taking Tom-”
Tom: “No you aren't. I won't forget the last time we split up like that.”
Edd: “That was one time -”
Matt: “I don't want to, either! Tord set my hat on fire last time!”
Tord: “Your fault.”
Matt: “... still!”
Edd: “Maybe groups aren't the best course of action…”
Matt: “I’ll stay here!”
Edd: “I didn't even decide anything yet.”
Matt: “I did!”
Tom: “I’ll go back to where we came from.”
Tord: “I’ll go somewhere.”
Tom: “Oh, sure, you’ll go somewhere -”
Edd: “Don't be like that right now! God!”
After a short bit of more bickering, the group split up, leaving Matt in the cafeteria. Edd looked around the lobby before finding a hallway with rooms lining it. It appeared to be a room hall of some sort, with name plates on each door. He felt a chill down his spine when he spotted his own name, along with everyone he had met so far, among others.
Edd: (What kind of-)
???: “Edd! Look, Mark, someone else we know!”
Edd clenched his fists. Was Eduardo and Todd not enough for these people?!
???: “So it is. I think that's the general theme here, Jon.”
???: “Oh, right.”
Edd: “Hey, guys…”
???: “Hi, Edd! What’re you doing here?”
Edd: “Eduardo’s that way.”
???: “I know, we’re just looking around. Might as well bring the Ultimate Paranormal Investigator with you, right, Mark?”
Jon: “Todd’s the Ultimate Forensic Scientist, so it just makes sense that he goes with Eduardo.”
???: “Mhm.”
Jon: “Oh, Mark, you should tell him your talent!”
???: “And why should he or I care? We aren't friends.”
Jon: “Oh, right.”
Jon: “Uuuh… he’s the Ultimate Librarian.”
Mark: “Jon-!”
Jon: “Whoopsie!”
Edd: “God- you two don't know anything either?”
Jon: “No. Didn’t I just say that?”
Mark: “Yeah, you did.”
Edd rubbed his temple. How Eduardo put up with either of them, he didn't know.
He turned to leave them behind, and saw a large door frame. It looked like a sauna of some sort from the outside. He decided to leave it be, and was about to leave (as nobody was left there, Jon and Mark left shortly after their conversation) before two people came out of it. Edd knew one, the other he did not.
???: “This really is a school.”
???: “Yes, we are in a school. Did the classrooms not clue you in?”
???: “The public bath kind of threw me off. Kill me.”
???: “The phrase is ‘sue me’.”
???: “Who asked you?”
Edd: “Paul!”
The one who had spoken first turned to him.
???: “Edd! God, it's been a minute, huh?”
???: “Paul, who is this?”
???: “I told you about Edd! He was my friend in high school, and we kept in touch.”
???: “No, you didn't.”
Edd: “I don't think you know anything about this thing?”
???: “Why would I?”
Edd: “Thought so. Nobody has.”
Edd: “What's your talent, if you don't mind me asking?”
???: “Jack of All Trades, apparently.”
Edd: “What the- so all the talents?!”
Paul: “Nah, I just know a lot of things. You know, jack of all trades, master of none?”
???: “Ahem, ahem.”
Paul: “Oh, right. This is my best friend, Patrick. He’s the Ultimate Pilot.”
Patrick: “Thaank you.”
Edd: “How come I never heard of this Patrick?”
Paul: “I dunno, we haven't texted in a while.”
Edd: “Uh… huh.”
Patrick: “Very nice to meet you, we haveta go.”
Paul: “Wh-”
Patrick dragged Paul away and towards the end of the room halls. Edd rubbed his temple again. What was with this place? Why did he know everyone there?
He decided to go to the gym, because, well, he hadn't gone there yet and the paper did tell him to do that. The gym itself was very big, a staple for a school gym, after all. There were basketball hoops on either wall and bleachers on the side he came from, as well as a stage on the far wall. There was, again, a monitor on a wall. In the middle of the room were two familiar faces, though he wishes he could erase himself from when he met said faces from existence.
???: “Oh, hiii, Edd!”
???: “Him again? Kim, didn't he creep on you?”
???: “I mean, yeah, but I’m sure it's fine now.”
???: “I don't think so.”
Edd: “Uhh, sorry about that. I was a dumb kid.”
???: “‘ A dumb kid? ’ You have got some nerve-”
???: “Katya, give it a rest. He was smaller back then.”
Edd: “Younger, not smaller.”
???: “Fine, whatever.”
???: “How’s it been, Edd?”
Edd: “Fine, I guess. I’m stuck here right now.”
???: “Oh, yeah, haha, I guess so? What didja get on your paper? I got Ultimate Flight Attendant!”
Edd: “Apparently, I’m the Ultimate Cartoonist.”
Kim: “Fuun!”
???: “If you care at all, which I doubt you do, I’m the Ultimate Home Renovator.”
Katya: “Now buzz off.”
Edd: “Okay, jeez.”
He turned to go back to the cafeteria, but was stopped short at the monitors that had been throughout buzzed to life.
???: “Now that everyone’s acquainted, can we hurry it up and go to the gym?”
Edd: (...)
Edd: (I have a bad feeling about this.)
Kim: “We’re already here, so that shouldn't be a problem!”
Katya: “Yeah… right…”
Everyone filed into the gym after a few minutes or so. The usual groups gathered together and chatted amongst themselves.
Matt: “What do you think this is all about?”
Tom: “How many times do we have to say ‘I dunno’ until you get it?”
Jon: “My guess is about five more times.”
Eduardo: “They weren't talking to you.”
Jon: “I know.”
Mark: “Nobody appears to be here. What a hypocrite, telling us to ‘hurry up’.”
Bing: “I know! There will be a twist, and the person who is telling us to do stuff is a hologram!”
Larry: “And where did you read that one, sir?”
Bing: “Nowhere! It's completely original!”
Eduardo: “Shut up, for Christ’s sake! The whole evil act ain’t making you look too good!”
Todd: “I think that's the point. Well, he’s probably like that character on that one show, you know, the cartoon.”
Jon: “Oh, yeah, I know what you mean!”
Patrick: “Does anyone here ever shut their trap? Besides, blondie is right-”
Kim: “Which one?”
Patrick: “-The dude. Anyway, he’s right, where is anyone? Why were we called here?”
???: “Jeez, show a bit of patience for a bear!”
Katya: “Where did that come from?!”
Tord: “The stage.”
The whole group turned to the stage, and the source of the voice was revealed. It jumped up onto the podium, landing with a heavy thud.
The voice wasn't a person, though, rather… a bear?
Kim: “Oh, how cute, a teddy bear!”
???: “How many times do I have to reiterate that I’m not a teddy bear?”
Edd: “But this is the first time we’ve ever met you.”
???: “Gah-! Ruining my perfect entrance like that-! Ugh-!”
The thing held up its paw in annoyance, revealing claws. It then calmed back down.
???: “Moving on… I ammmm Monokuma! This school’s headmaster!”
Tom: “Bears can’t be headmasters.”
Monokuma: “Nobody asked you!”
Hellucard: “Why did you call us here?”
Matt: “Yeah! Why?”
Monokuma: “Getting straight to the point, are we? Refreshing.”
Monokuma leaned forwards, and everyone inched back in turn.
Monokuma: “Alright, let's begin! Welcome to your new school life!”
Jon: “Um, I graduated years ago. Can I go?”
Todd: “I don't think it works like that…”
Paul: “This is ridiculous. Why are we here, really?”
Monokuma: “I just said! Jeez, do you want me to clean your ears out for you? This is the beginning of your new school life!”
Monokuma: “Why are you complaining? Wasn't school the best years of your lives?”
A few people pulled a face, while others nodded a little.
Monokuma: “Well, disregard that completely! School was boring! You know it! So this school will be interesting to make up for it!”
Edd shivered. That certainly didn't sound good.
The room had fallen silent.
Matt: “...Interesting?”
Mark: “‘Interesting’ how?”
Monokuma: “Glad you asked, purples! This school life is interesting because it never ends! Isn't that fun?”
Edd: “Never?!”
Eduardo: “Right, that's it-”
Todd: “Stop! Don't fight!”
Todd had to physically restrain Eduardo from going at the bear.
Kim: “Whoever is controlling the bear, make him stop! This is a little much!”
Katya: “Don't worry, sweetie, I’ll take care of it.”
Monokuma: “Ah, ah, ah! You didn't let me finish!”
Katya fell silent, and froze in place.
Monokuma: “There's no exit to this place, before anyone tries looking for it, puhuhu! A never ending school life wouldn't be never ending if there was a way to end it, right?”
Tom: “Lame.”
Monokuma: “Well, I mean, there is an exit, but…”
Eduardo: “Well, tell us!”
Monokuma: “Are you suuure?”
Todd: “I dunno, maybe not… school life isn't so bad, Eduardo…”
Eduardo: “Jesus Christ-! Shut up, Todd!”
Monokuma: “Of course you’re sure!”
Jon: “Um, nobody said they were sure.”
Monokuma: “The way to get out issss…”
Paul: “...Well?”
Monokuma: “To disrupt the peace!”
The room fell silent.
Todd: “Like, fight? Then why haven't we been able to leave yet?”
Monokuma: “Well, Glasses, it's more than just fighting!”
Todd: “Y-You don't-”
Larry: “Do you mean murder?”
Monokuma: “Bingo! Eyepatch gets it.”
Monokuma: “Stabbing, poisoning, bludgeoning, drowing, hey, even shooting! You gotta do it if you wanna leave.”
The room, again, fell completely silent. Everyone looked at each other with wide (or white in Tom and Jon’s cases) eyes. Kill? Murder? Just to leave?
Tord: “So, say I did kill someone. What would happen then? I just get to leave, scot-free?”
Paul: “R- Tord, you're not thinking about that already.”
Monokuma: “Glad you asked!”
Monokuma: “Basically, no, you wouldn't just get to leave. That's boring, plain and simple! There would be a trial instead. Or a class trial, as it's called round these parts! After an investigation, of course.”
Patrick: “A class trial? Like a court?”
Monokuma: “Sort of! You all are the jury! You all have to decide on who the killer is! If you get it right, then that's bad news for the killer, but if you get it wrong, it's bad news for everyone else.”
Bing: “Aha, here's where he says the bad news is getting executed.”
Monokuma: “Exactly! Jeez, you two are on a roll!”
Larry rolled his eye.
Edd: “Hey, it's not like anyone is gonna actually kill! We all know each other, right?!”
Kim: “I don't know Chris very good…”
Bing: “It's Bing the evil, Ultimate director to you, miss!”
Katya: “Can it. I don't know you either.”
Monokuma: “Glad to see how eager you guys are, puhuhu~!”
Katya: “I am not! Killing is wrong, no matter what!”
Monokuma: “Sure, you may think that. Anyone else may think otherwise.”
Eduardo: “Alright, that's enough outta you-!”
Eduardo stepped up on the stage and took Monokuma by what would be his neck. Paul and Katya followed closely behind.
Monokuma: “How rude! Harming the principal is against school rules!”
Eduardo: “Do I look like I care about that?!”
Katya: “Yeah! You're answering to us now!”
Paul: “I hate to get involved with violence, but if it has to be…”
Monokuma: “Breaking the rules… results in a punishment…”
A beeping noise emitted from Monokuma.
Tord: “Drop him-!”
Eduardo, sensing Tord’s urgency and hearing the beeping noise, tossed Monokuma straight in the air, where he exploded.
Everyone stood in shock.
Eduardo: “Well, I did get rid of him.”
Even though he tried to sound confident, his voice shook a little. A noise came from behind the podium.
Monokuma: “Nope!”
Monokuma jumped onto the podium again, good as new.
Monokuma: “That's what happens if you break the rules! I was going to make an example out of Eduardo here, but he was lucky enough to figure out what happens!”
Eduardo: “...”
Katya: “...”
Paul: “...”
Monokuma: “Oh, before I forget, here are your Monopads!”
Monokuma tossed everyone a tablet-like device. When Edd booted his up, it flashed his name and talent before going to a menu.
Monokuma: “These are essential to your school lives, so don't lose them! If you do, you’ll end up like he nearly did.”
Edd flipped through his handbook. There was a section for rules, a map of the school, and a section with ‘report cards’ for everyone there, sans Monokuma.
Monokuma: “Annnd with that, looks like our little entrance ceremony is over! Happy killing!”
Monokuma disappeared. Fully disappeared; didn't leave the room, just disappeared. Edd couldn't wrap his head around it.
Tom: “So… what now?”
Hellucard: “Well, obviously we have to not kill each other!”
Mark: “Are you suggesting we live the rest of our lives here?”
Hellucard: “No, I’m sure there's an escape!”
Larry: “And how can you be so sure of that?”
Bing: “Well… you see, we had to have gotten in somehow.”
Bing: “Maybe we were brought in through the ceiling because the people behind this had superpowers and-”
Larry: “Can you take anything seriously?!”
Laurel: “This isn't a prank, this isn't a prank, oh God…”
Edd: “C’mon, don't worry about it. We’ll escape in no time.”
Tord: “Are you sure?”
Edd: “Not helping my point here.”
Tord: “Because you're wrong. We can't even trust anybody here.”
Jon: “D-Don't be like that…”
Tord: “It's true! Even your closest friends could be plotting your own death right now!”
Tom: “Shut up, Tord. Nobody wants this right now.”
Edd thought about it briefly. Could he really trust anyone here? He knew mostly everyone, sure, but did he know them enough? What if someone is planning his demise right now? What would he do?
Everyone looked among themselves, marinating in the idea of murder.
Edd: (I really can't be thinking like this, but…)
Edd: (Can I even trust my friends? Can I trust myself?)
This wasn't a dumb adventure of the week. This was real, this was life-threatening, and he did not like it.
