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Last year, if someone had asked Lexi who in her family she was the closest to, she would have named her sister with no hesitation. They were Irish twins, close enough in age that onlookers sometimes assumed they were fraternal twins. It annoyed them when they were little, especially Cassie, who held onto the older sister torch like it was her most prized possession in the world. Yeah, they had always been pretty different personality wise. But Lexi used to think that they still complimented each other. They fit together like puzzle pieces.
But Cassie was gone now. She'd caused a hurricane, ruining friendships and lives just because she liked how Nate Jacobs occasionally looked at her. Suze had broken the news to Lexi gently, waking her up in bed like the night Rue overdosed.
"She's a selfish bitch," Lexi said, voice harsh as she choked back tears. Her mother didn't reprimand her for the words. She just pulled them together, running her hands along Lexi’s back until she finally broke out into a jagged sob. They stayed like that the entire night, and to her credit, Suze didn't complain a single time.
"It's just you and me for right now, sweetheart," Suze whispered, brushing some of the chaos out of Lexi's hair.
Just them. The drunk and the least favorite daughter. It was almost laughable.
Suze had offered to let Lexi stay home from school the next day. Lexi hadn't taken her up on it even if she probably should have.
Cassie and Nate were notably both absent. She could feel Maddy staring at her throughout the day, eyes burning a hole in the back of her head during the passing periods. Lexi didn't think Maddy was upset with her, although she didn't have the confidence to go up to the other girl and ask. She didn't want to see her pain reflected back on Maddy's face. Cassie had basically spit on the both of them, and Lexi was running out of excuses.
It was an all too familiar feeling, this punch to the gut. Two family members had left her and Suze now.
Maybe they were the problem.
Maybe Lexi was the problem.
Maybe if she'd been enough, they would have stayed. She'd never know, though. She'd never been enough.
Fez: yo
Lexi: Hey! How's your morning been so far?
Fez: eh
boring
how you doing?
Lexi: Oh, I'm fine.
But just so you know
I guess
Because maybe Rue will tell you or something
Cassie took off last night.
Mom and I think she's living with Nate right now.
[Missed call from Fez]
Fez: you fucking forreal?
lex
ma you cant txt that and not answer me
Lexi: Sorry.
Fez: stop with the sorrys are you ok?
Lexi: I'm fine.
Fez: oh thats bull
come over after school?
pls
[Missed call from Fez]
Lexi: Okay.
She put her phone into her backpack after that, determined to not look even after it kept buzzing. If she didn't look, she could pretend that it was Cassie reaching out, that Cassie was apologizing and of course it wasn't your fault that I left you like our father did, I'll be back tonight for dinner I love you. The illusion would be shattered the second Lexi looked. She could pretend that everything was fine right now.
Of course, that didn't last.
"Lexi," Maddy said in a rush, grabbing Lexi's arm and pulling her into an empty classroom before Lexi could protest or pull away. "Babe, please. I know you have to take your sister's side, but…"
Guilt hit Lexi like a brick to the stomach. Yeah, she was upset. Going through something. But Maddy had lost her best friend and the guy she loved all in one go. Lexi shouldn't have assumed that Maddy would take it out on her, not when Maddy acted like a second sister to her. "Think I'm taking your side," Lexi mumbled.
If anything, that only seemed to further deflate Maddy. "Do you know why they're both absent today?" When Lexi hesitated, Maddy pressed again. "Where are they?"
"Cassie ran away to Nate's house," Lexi said, hating herself when it made Maddy flinch. "She won't answer me or mom anymore."
"That fucking-" Maddy closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. "God, she's turning into your dad, isn't she?"
God. Even Maddy could tell.
Maddy didn't seem to mind when she didn't get a response to that. She opened her eyes back up, running her hand up and down Lexi's arm. "I'm worried, though. Nate...Well. I'd say he isn't being himself, but I think the problem is that he's finally getting comfortable enough to be himself."
"What are you talking about? Did something else happen?"
"He's dangerous, Lex. Seriously. Stay away from him, okay? Cassie made a deal with the devil. You didn't."
"She's my sister."
Maddy pressed a kiss to Lexi's forehead. "I know. But you're also the only decent person left in this fucking town."
Lexi and Maddy walked out of school together at the end of the day. It was almost tempting to invite Maddy to go with her to Fez’s, just so the other girl didn't have to be alone, but Fez didn't like visitors and Maddy didn't like sympathy. She wrapped Maddy up in a hug instead, not pointing it out when Maddy squeezed her back so tightly that it stung. Something had obviously happened with Nate that Lexi wasn’t privy to, but it wasn’t her place to ask. If Maddy wanted to tell her, Lexi would offer herself up as a safe place for that. There wasn’t much else she could do. Maddy still had other friends with less complicated relationships, like Kat. She'd turned down Fez’s offer to pick her up. It still wasn't a surprise when she saw his car in the parking lot.
Fez, to her surprise, cared about people loudly. She wasn't sure exactly what to call whatever they were doing, but while he seemed shy about it sometimes, he never hesitated to tell her that she was important to him. He picked her up from school and didn't care about the weird looks it earned them, other than making Lexi promise to mention it if it started to bother her. He'd introduced her to Ashtray with a smile on his face, ribbing his brother when Ash wasn't that interested in talking to Lexi at first. He talked about his family all the time, never seeming to realize that he was the glue that held them all together.
Lexi wasn't religious, but Fez was. If Lexi was the only decent person in this town, that meant Fez had ascended past her. Maybe she'd be religious if her saints were anything like Fez.
"Yo," he greeted when she got close to the car, windows open. She offered a tight smile as she got in, pulling her knees up to her chest after buckling her seat belt. It was a rule that he wouldn't move the car anymore unless everyone was being safe about it. "How you doing? Forreal."
"Fine," Lexi shrugged. "We don't really need to talk about it."
Fez gaped at her like a fish. Lexi felt a flash of annoyance, then chided herself for the emotion. He was being nice. If she turned into a bitch about it, he'd just leave too. “You gonna talk about it with your mom, then? Cause you gotta talk to someone about it.”
“Sure.”
“Ma.”
“Don’t, okay? Just. Fucking don’t. I’m sorry.” She ran her hands over her face, wondering if the burning in her chest was ever going to go away. “I should just go-”
Fez reached out and gently took her hands, bringing them away from where they were scrubbing at her face. “Hey. Look at me?”
After a long pause, Lexi did. She wanted to crumple a little at the kind expression he was wearing. “I don’t want to do this in the school parking lot,” she eventally managed.
He nodded, dropping one of her hands and keeping grip on the other. “Back at my place, then.”
The whole way home, he didn’t let go of her hand.
When they got to Fez’s house, Lexi instantly started looking around for Ash, only for Fez to quietly tell her that he was out dealing with some business. He didn’t expand on what the buisness was, and Lexi knew better to ask. “Faye’s out too. Making her help grocery shop.”
“Okay,” Lexi said. Surpringingly, she didn’t mind Faye too much once she realized that the other girl wasn’t interested in Fez like that. She was funny in the unintentional sort of way that Lexi always loved, and there was something nice about how she was so unflinchingly herself. Lexi always struggled not to morph herself into who she thought everyone else wanted her to be.
When she didn’t say anything else, Fez led her over to the couch, gently tossing her the crochet blanket she always wrapped around herself while she was here. They left the TV off. Fez angled himself so that he was facing Lexi.
“Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” he prompted.
Lexi tolled over her thoughts for a long moment, struggling to really articulate what she wanted to say. Too much would scare him off, but too little would make him annoyed that she was still keeping this so close to her chest after he’d asked her to talk about it multiple times. He was sitting there so patiently, waiting for her to tell him so he could try to soothe her. God, she didn’t deserve Fez. She didn’t think anyone did. “She’s my dad.”
“Whatcha mean?”
“My dad…ugh. Yeah. I don’t think we’ve ever really talked much about my dad, besides the basics. But the last time I saw him, uh. He’d broken into our house to steal stuff, I think so he could buy more drugs. Maybe pay off someone he’d already gotten drugs from, I don’t know. I’d heard the noise and woken up. I saw him, he saw me. But that didn’t like. Stop him. He didn’t even say anything to me. Just took the stuff and left. And that’s exactly what Cassie fucking did, and. It’s a pattern now, right? Two people have left us. So either the problem is me or my mom, and everyone thinks my mom is awesome, so-”
“Imma stop you right there before you say something real dumb.”
Lexi paused. “What?”
“I ain’t gonna sit here and let you try to say this shit is your fault.”
Now Lexi was probably the one gaping like a fish. “I was just-”
“I know what you were trying to do, and I ain’t letting you.” He moved closer, laying his hand on top of hers. “People are batshit for leaving you, Lex. I’m real sorry that it’s happened more than once, but it’s not your fucking fault. You get your dad into drugs?”
“No, of course not.”
Fez nodded. “And did you get your sister involved with Nate fucking Jacobs?”
“You know I didn’t.”
“So how is they leaving your fault?”
“I-” Lexi floundered for a second. “I don’t know. If I’d been able to-”
“If I’d been able to help my grandmother more, maybe she’d not be in a coma right now.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Right,” Fez looked like he’d just proved his point. “You ain’t a miracle worker, Lexi. Kinda think sometimes you might be a miracle, but. Gus and Cassie got their own crap to work through. It ain’t on you. Not your fault that they being selfish. You gonna tear yourself apart, thinking like that."
“I miss them.”
He softened, tugging at her until she was pressed firmly against his side. “It’s okay to miss them. Maybe Cassie will sort herself out. You can be there for her then if you want. But whatever she does, that’s on no one but her. You ain’t leavable. I ain’t leaving til you tell me to fuck off. They just crazy.”
When Lexi felt herself start to tear up, Fez simply held her tighter.