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Today’s stream was one of the most frustrating streams he’s had in a while. Not because of any mods or challenges, but because of another comparison. A comparison of himself and the other man. Yet again.
He should’ve been more firm from the beginning. He should have told Tanner he was upset from the very beginning. He didn’t mean to get so upset in front of his viewers today.
Eric wants to say he’s not someone who usually gets upset or angry for no reason. But by God, was he furious at some troll’s comment. He has been working so hard to make his own mark on the world without being compared to other streamers. Not that he hates the other streamer’s content, Eric believes their content is good for their own brand, but hearing how “unoriginal” or “boring” his streams are hurts.
The chemistry in the middle of a desert? His idea and a world record. The map randomizers? His idea. Asking for the hate? Not his idea. He’d love to get the chances to join organizations and sponsor offers if and only if they didn’t compare him to others. The man always politely declined and he’d tell many to talk to whoever they actually wanted to contact themselves. He wasn’t jealous. Not at all. Just hurt others wanted to use him as a stepping stone time and time again.
Eric shuts the door to his recording room and enters his room quietly. Abby must be very worried for him and she does have the right to be so; right now, he wants to plop onto his bed and think. Think of something new and exciting that will invigorate people, capture their attention and remember he’s absolutely unique. Grabbing his phone from his pocket he starts jotting some notes down. Chemistry experiment again? He has to plan out the budget for the again and he needs to think of a date and time too. Pokémon? Maybe Arceus? The fervor and craze around the game has died down and the pain of getting the whole Pokédex is too much. He still has a lot of backlogged sub goals he's yet to do.
Ten minutes turned to an hour while he’s making notes physically and mentally of what to do next. His head is starting to hurt from all the emotions: the anger from being belittled, the frustration with the little comments that sets off a bomb, the sadness from cutting the stream short today. His chest gets tighter and tighter. Eric lost sense of his gravity and ground for a minute despite being in bed. He reaches for a bottle of water to chug down immediately.
The anxiety almost got to him again.
”Fuck!” He yells at himself. He needs control over it for the sake of himself and his viewers.
He gets up from the bed to make his way back to his recording studio to work on something. Anything. To get his mind off the damn negativity. Sitting down with a huff Eric gets to work on a new video he needs to push.
First he sends out a warning to those who want to compare him to others again on Twitter; just to set the record straight he’s his own person. With a press of a button his desktop whirs and lights turn on. He’s checking the edits and making sure the recording didn’t get corrupted. Once in a while Eric opens Twitter to reply to people concerned about his welfare. He can’t remember how long he has been sitting down until he checks the time—11:30 pm.
Eric opens Discord to see if anyone wanted to reach out. Instead it’s a mess of messages from viewers on his server stirring up trouble from inappropriate messages and the usual antics. He sighs at the people mini-modding and people fighting off the trolls. Eric swaps over to Twitch to look at the VOD from today. In the small portion of his layout the insult came past and he peeks at Discord to see people clamoring over someone pinging him.
Suddenly tears were rushing down his face. As an engineering student he wanted to leave his own mark on the world to create a better place for all. As a streamer he wants to make people smile and laugh after long days of life getting to them. But in this moment, the need to be selfless shuts down and gets replaced with the need to be held and scream. Eric wishes it wasn’t him being harassed like this; he wishes for no one to be harassed like this.
The young man must have brushed his hand against his mouse or keyboard because the VOD continues to play. He takes a look at all the messages of support and love from his viewers. How they full-heartedly love him for being him. One about how they made them smile despite shitty days. Another about how his original content got them hooked to the games they both love. The more he watched the comments about support and love, the more he cries at the welcoming feeling of relief and happiness. He still has people who love him for him and no one else. Twitter pings for the hundredth time today and he sees people fighting for him and his content to stay. Because they love the content. They love Eric.
Eric wipes away the tears and starts working on the next video. Even though it felt like hours Eric finishes before midnight, and with a pop-up notification his new video is live. Another notification flashes his screen at the sight of people reacting excitedly to his new release at midnight.
Creeping onto his face was a smile with a couple tears at the corners of his eyes. Days like these make him wish he chose things differently, that is until he remembers why he chose to be a streamer. He hasn’t made a large mark on the world, but there is still a positive mark from everything Eric has done. It’s still his own mark.