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Chuuya was cold.
It was his own fault, really. He was the one who thought it was a good idea to step out to the balcony in the middle of a winter night. The party inside had gotten too loud, too chaotic for him, and this was unfortunately the only place where he could find any peace.
Ironically enough, the outside was loud as well. Even though there was still 10 minutes until midnight, the sky was already being lit up by fireworks. Figures, no one in this town had any patience left in their body. This was still better than the mess that was going on inside. Chuuya had no idea why he had been invited, really. The only people he knew were Tachihara, who seemed to only invite him out of pity.
Part of him regretted coming out; maybe it would have been a better New Year’s Eve if he had just stayed at home, watching the fireworks from the comfort of his own bedroom. But what kind of college student would he be to turn down a party?
He was leaning on the railing, overlooking the city below him. There was barely any wind, so the cold was not incredibly unbearable. His jacket had been left inside, so the only thing keeping him warm was his college hoodie, and the alcohol in his hand. He didn’t even know what Tachihara had mixed him; knowing him, it was ninety percent alcohol, and ten percent soda.
Chuuya heard the balcony door behind him open briefly, the sound of the party pouring outside. He did not to turn back and look at the action; he preferred to forget the mess inside. The sliding door closed again, the sound of the occasional firework being the only noise left.
A few steps, and suddenly, there was a person next to him, leaning on the railing. Chuuya’s eyes darted to the side, and he saw the tall brunette next to him. It was not someone Chuuya recognized; not that he recognized a lot of people here to begin with. The stranger was wearing a dark, thin turtleneck, with a large, knitted cardigan over the top. In his hands was a cup just like Chuuya’s, presumably with the same, horrible mix that Chuuya had as well.
“There are way too many people in there.” The stranger said. His voice was sweet and calm; you would not think he just came from the insanity inside.
“Mhm.” Chuuya mumbled in agreement, lifting the drink to take a sip from it, but his face turning sour as soon as he tasted the pure alcohol he had been handed. He heard the stranger next to him laugh and take the drink from Chuuya’s hands. “Was yours also mixed by that idiot by the bar? I swear, he barely puts any soda in there.” He asked as he took a sip of Chuuya’s drink as well.
“Oh, yeah, he’s my only acquaintance at this party... he really sucks at mixing.” He answered, looking up at the stranger making the exact same Chuuya had.
“Bleh, this sucks!” He said, then poured the drink over the balcony. Chuuya leaned over, and saw the liquid fall down the four stories, and land on the pavement below them. “Hey, what if you had hit someone?!” The stranger only rolled his eyes, then poured his own drink over as well. “Relax, I can clearly see that there is no one there. These drinks deserve worse fate than this, believe me.”
The stranger had an endearing smile on his face; it was hard to stay angry at him. There was a subtle, red blush over his cheeks, Chuuya could only assume it was from the alcohol he had been drinking. He leaned over the railing again, resting his head in the palm of his hand. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before; what’s you name?” The stranger asked, his eyes looking up at the moon above them.
“It’s Nakahara Chuuya.”
The stranger looked down at Chuuya. “I’m Osamu Dazai. It’s nice to meet you.”
The name did not ring a bell for Chuuya. “Don’t know if I can say the same for you; I did just see you pour my drink over the balcony.”
Dazai laughed again, his body moving closer to Chuuya’s. “Sorry, I’m not the best at first impressions.” Chuuya rolled his eyes but leaned slightly closer to him as well. Even though he had no idea who this person was, and he had just poured Chuuya’s disgusting but very effective drink away, he was glad to talk to someone who wasn’t screaming in his ear over annoying music. “What do you major in?” Dazai asked, looking down at Chuuya.
“Photography. Lame, I know, but I really enjoy it.” Dazai smiled at his answer.
“I don’t think it’s lame at all, especially if you’re enjoying it.”
Not the reaction he had expected, but he was glad to hear it either way.
“What about you?” He asked back.
Dazai leaned slightly further over the balcony, as if he was reaching for something in the sky. “Astromony. But it doesn’t really matter. I’m dropping out.” Chuuya saw Dazai’s eyes stuck on the moon above them still.
“Dropping out, why?”
“I was going to kill myself tonight.” Chuuya was surprised to hear such a strong statement be spoken so peacefully. He took a step away from Dazai, staring at him. It was weird now relaxed Dazai’s body was. There was a kind smile on his face, and no fear in sight in his eyes. It was like he had made up his mind about this a long, long time ago.
“‘was going to’? What changed?” Chuuya asked.
Dazai’s eyes moved down to the now empty cup in his hand, moving it around. “I was invited to this party. Decided I might as well have some fun before I go.” Dazai looked out to the city again, then took a step back, and threw the cup in his hands out over the balcony, neither of them seeing where it landed.
“Are you still-“
“Did you know that the Earth’s Moon is the fifth largest in our solar system? It’s quite large, considering there are over two hundred of them to compete with.” Dazai cut him off, his eyes now back at the full moon above them, which had over time become accompanied by more and more fireworks. “There are so many craters on it, from asteroids, meteoroids, and comets abusing it over billions of years. Still, it’s standing strong, despite the pain it has been through.” Dazai continued.
Chuuya felt bad for just standing around, not saying, or doing anything to this stranger who just confessed to planning a suicide. Should he stop him? Should he call on someone, the paramedics maybe? He didn’t really know what to do, so he resorted to simply standing by, listening to this stranger talk.
“I wonder if it’ll ever hit an obstacle so painful it just crumbles into pieces.”
Chuuya looked up at the moon. The two stood in silence for a few minutes, inching closer and closer to each other as the cold began creeping up their backs. Neither of them realised they were practically leaning on each other after a while. They were just happy there was warmth near them.
“Hey, since I’m a dead man walking, do you want to do me a favour?” Dazai asked, leaning his head atop of Chuuya’s. Chuuya looked down at their hands, both hanging limply over the balcony. “Depends on what it is.” He replied.
Dazai laughed, leaning even closer to Chuuya.
“I’ve never had a New Year’s kiss. Will you do me the honour of being my first and last?”
Chuuya felt his body tense up and moved his head quickly to look up at Dazai. He didn’t have anything against kissing him; Dazai was probably the prettiest person he had seen in a long time. But he knew he would get attached; what good would it do him to fall for someone who was going to die?
“Alright.”
Fuck it, maybe he will pretend this was all a dream tomorrow morning. Even if Dazai didn’t die, there was little chance he would see him anyways, since they never met on campus to begin with. What could it hurt to give him one, meaningless kiss?
Chuuya felt Dazai wrap his arm around his shoulders, pulling him in close. “Yay⁓ I won’t die completely sad.” He said happily. These words combined with his tone still sounded foreign to Chuuya. He had never med someone who excited about their own death. Chuuya looked down at the watch on his wrist.
11:59.
“Look at that, you asked me just on time. There’s one minute until midnight.”
“Chuuya.” Dazai said quietly, his voice drowning out between the fireworks. Chuuya looked up at him. “Hm?”
They began to hear the countdown of the last seconds from inside the apartment. The music had died down, everyone was screaming the last ten numbers from the top of their lungs.
“Thank you.” Dazai’s tone was comforting, kind. The fireworks around them were roaring, only a few seconds were left until midnight. Chuuya felt Dazai’s gentle hands hold around his face, then pulling him in into a kiss as the voices from inside shouted zero.
Chuuya’s hands found their way around Dazai’s waist, holding onto him as if his life depended on it. The brunette’s lips were soft and tasted of alcohol. They kept pulling each other in closer, no space left between them. The kiss was sweet, tender; Chuuya hated how much he loved it. There was no way he would be able to forget the stranger who held him so close, kissed him so perfectly, on his last day on Earth. Even though the party inside had restarted again, and they had entered the new year, the two strangers on the balcony seemed unable to separate from each other, their kiss only deepening, their grip around each other growing.
After what felt like an eternity, Chuuya felt Dazai carefully pull away, their lips separating. Chuuya’s instincts had him lean in further, missing the warmth of Dazai’s lips on his. “Hey, be careful now, I don’t want you to fall for me as I am about to disappear.” Dazai joked, moving his hands down to Chuuya’s waist. The redhead leaned his head against Dazai’s chest, his hands still loosely holding around him.
“You’ve already stepped into the new year, why not stay for a while longer?” Chuuya mumbled, burying his head further into Dazai.
“Falling for me already? Chuuya..” Dazai’s hands moved up around Chuuya’s back, pulling him into a tight embrace.
Chuuya did not respond. He fell into the embrace, hoping to hold onto this stranger for only a moment longer. He was sure there was no way to convince himself this had all been a dream.
-
January; a new semester.
After their exchange on the balcony, the stranger Chuuya had gotten to know eventually slipped back into the crowd, disappearing from his sight. Deep down, he had wanted to ask around for him; find a way to see him again, to kiss him again. The few days after the party, he hated how this dead stranger had taken over his mind.
He saw Dazai’s face in his dreams, muttering on and on about the moon, while Chuuya would idly sit and listen. By the third night, his face had completely disappeared, only his voice left. Chuuya did not even know if the statements his mind had come up with were true; but since Dazai’s voice accompanied them, he believed them.
Chuuya hated himself for falling so hard for a dead man. It was unfair, but he knew what he was getting into. Who knew that one, stupid, drunk kiss would affect him so much?
It was now late in the afternoon, and Chuuya was walking home through the snowed-over campus grounds. Even though it still relatively, the darkness had succumbed the city, the moon sitting brightly up at the sky, taunting him.
Even though there were people around him, Chuuya felt weirdly empty looking up at the moon. It hadn’t feel the same ever since that night.
“If you had to guess, how many human visitors do you think have been to the moon?” A voice behind him spoke. Chuuya was quick to turn around, and was surprised to see the same, tall brunette in front of him he had spent the past few nights dreaming of.
“Dazai?” He mumbled, the books in his hands suddenly feeling very heavy.
“That’s not a guess. Come on, give me a number!” Dazai said, wrapping an around around Chuuya’s shoulder, pointing him to look at the moon. Despite his attemps, Chuuya’s eyes were still stuck on Dazai, reading in on every detail on his face, just in case he was dreaming again.
“Chuuya, come on!” Dazai spoke again.
“I don’t know, ten?”
Dazai shook Chuuya lightly, a sweet laughter escaping him. “Wrong! It’s twenty-four. The latest being a man named Gene Cernan, who walked on the moon in December of 1972.” Dazai was still smiling, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. He seemed happier; more alive.
“Are you busy? I was thinking we could go to the planetarium in town.” Dazai asked.
Chuuya leaned his head on Dazai’s shoulder, smiling to himself. He didn’t want to ask what happened, or why he was here; no need to dig around in the pain. Dazai was next to him now, which was enough to make him happy.
“I would love to go.”