Work Text:
Neil’s POV:
He knew from the second he saw Todd that he’d end up falling for him and he was right of course.
It may have only been a few weeks since he’d met the boy, but he fell fast and hard for Todd Anderson. Todd was brilliant, shy, but incredibly bright, quiet, but with wicked sarcasm and humor when he did finally decide to speak. He should’ve realized that someone else would eventually realize how amazing Todd was as well, but he was an idiot and hadn’t thought that far ahead.
After Todd gave his unplanned poem in front of the class, he could see the way Todd changed in the other boy’s eyes. Before they saw him as the shy guy that did nothing and stuttered over small words, if they even saw him at all. But now he could see the way they started to see him as an actual person, at least most of them. He hated them all for it, Todd was always remarkable, but no one cared enough to see it. But now that Todd had handed them his extraordinary person on a gold platter they all ate it up like greedy pigs.
Fuck the whole lot of them.
The worst of all was Stick motherfucking Miller, he’d never had any prior problems with Stick, but he was about to flip his lid if the boy continued with his clear obsession of Todd. It started with Stick giving Todd small smiles and shy looks during class and soon morphed into him standing over Todd’s desk to help the boy with class. Stick constantly asked Todd if he wanted help or didn’t understand something like Todd couldn’t figure things out himself. Then he started talking to Todd outside of class and Todd let him, as if it didn’t take everyone else in the group weeks to break down Todd’s walls.
As if it didn’t take him weeks to break down Todd’s walls.
No, Todd talked back when Stick asked him questions, Todd smiled at Stick and blushed when Stick showered him with compliments about his poetry. He hated the way Todd’s face and tips of his ears turned a pretty pink when Stick told him that his poem was amazing. He’d been telling Todd from the beginning that he thought his poems were brilliant and Todd just shut down or ran away from him.
It was the last straw when Todd let Stick look over his poetry that he kept hidden away in his notebook. Todd never let anyone see inside his notebook, not a single poet had been allowed to even glance at the thing. He himself had tried on several occasions, but everytime Todd pulled it away and glared at him until he gave up. But this dumbass, stiff Stick was allowed to look at Todd’s most precious possession, the one he only dreamed of being able to gaze at. He watched the two of them from afar with a grimace on his face, he knew he was being obvious about his hatred of the other boy, but he couldn’t care when he could see how Stick leaned over Todd’s shoulder, all too close to the other boy.
“Stop staring,” Charlie muttered to him and he snapped out of the Stick hating fog that was currently strangling him and turned instead to Charlie.
“I wasn’t staring,” He rebuffed, sounding a bit too much like a petulant child than he would have liked.
“Yeah, just like you weren’t staring in class or at breakfast,” Charlie rolled his eyes at him, voice dripping with slight annoyance.
“Shut up,” He growled, glancing around to make sure no one else heard Charlie talking before returning to his brooding and glaring.
That night when he and Todd returned to their room he was planning on asking Todd about his new friendship with Stick. He was going to try and be subtle about it, to gauge Todd’s level of affection for the spectacled boy to see just how deep they lied. He was about to speak up when for the first time ever Todd beat him to it and broke the silence.
“What do you think of Stick?” Todd asked, and he could see the boy’s face was flushed red even though it was turned away. Todd sounded nervous, apprehensive, like he didn’t want to let too much be known and it irked him.
“He’s fine,” He answers curtly, wincing at the harshness of his own voice.
“Do you, um, do you think, could he m-maybe come to the next meeting?” Todd asked shyly, looking at him with round eyes, begging for the answer he wanted.
He so desperately wished to scream no, tell Todd that Stick shouldn’t come near them ever again, that Todd should lose Stick and come to him instead. He wanted to shout his hatred and jealousy for everyone to hear, let Todd know that he could be so much better. But he couldn’t, not when Todd was looking at him with such pure hope, not when Todd was finally asking for what he wanted instead of cowering away.
“Of course, Todd,” He said softly, ignoring the ache in his chest that burned with loss at the way Todd’s eyes lit up with delight, “I’ll talk to the others.”
“Oh, thank you,” Todd gleamed, beaming smile across the boy’s face and it pained him to know that he hadn’t really put it there, that Stick’s presence had put it there instead.
“Of course, Todd,” He repeated, “whatever you want,”
He meant the words, he would give Todd whatever he wanted, even if what Todd wanted wasn’t him. He might not have put the elated grin on Todd’s face, but he would work to keep it there. Todd deserved to get what he wished and what he wished was for Stick then he would help Todd get Stick, even though Stick didn’t deserve to be in the glorious presence of Todd Anderson.
When he told Charlie that Stick would be joining them at the next meeting the boy thought he was joking, but upon seeing his miserable expression quickly realized his words were true, which prompted the boy to ask-
“Why the hell would you say yes to that?” Which was fair.
“Because Todd asked me and I can’t say no to him,” He sighed mournfully as Charlie looked at him like he was a moron.
“This is only going to push them closer together,”
“I know, Charlie,”
“It’s Nuwanda and I can’t believe you, why didn’t you just say that the other boys might not want Stick joining. Hell, you should’ve blamed Cameron, Todd knows he’s a stiff, he wouldn’t want anymore people knowing about the Dead Poet Society.”
“I didn’t think ahead okay, Charlie, I just, Todd was looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes and I just gave in. Besides, if Stick is what Todd wants, why should I get in the way of that?”
“Because you love him and because you would be way better for Todd and I’m almost positive Todd likes you back.” Charlie said, utterly exasperated and he fought the urge to cuff his friend on the back of his head. Although he didn’t totally disagree with the boy, he did think he could be better for Todd than Stick motherfucking Miller, but at the same time he didn’t.
“Stick’s family is way better off than mine, Charlie,” He said with a defeated sigh, “He could give Todd everything and he obviously pays attention to Todd which we both know Todd needs. Plus Stick isn’t going to be completely miserable as an adult cause he has to be a doctor, to be honest neither of them need to work at all with the money Stick’s got. Besides, Todd obviously thinks he’s handsome, for some reason, you should see the way he blushes when Stick’s kicking in soccer.”
“Dude,” Charlie says, disbelief and annoyance clear in his tone, “It’s not like they’re getting married, stop talking like they’re high school sweethearts that are just waiting to seal the deal. You don’t even know if Todd likes Stick for sure, or that he’s queer for that matter.”
Which Charlie did have a point there, he had no idea what Todd liked, but he was pretty sure it was Stick.
“Also, do you really think Todd cares about something like money, has he ever appeared like a gold digger to you, I should hit you just for thinking that.” When he heard that he honestly felt a little bad about thinking it. Todd was so sweet and he was sure that whoever Todd chose to be with it wouldn’t be because of wealth and status.
Charlie was making quite a bit of sense, it was disconcerting.
“You should try and figure out if he even bats for the same team before freaking out over his ‘crush’ on Stick,” Charlie said, taking a drag on his cigarette before continuing,”If he is then I suggest you pick up your wooing game my dear friend because you are behind.”
He glared at Charlie one last time before getting up from his spot on the ground and heading back to the school, preparing himself for the awkward process of figuring out if Todd was the same as him.
When he did get back he went straight to their dorm room, bypassing all the other poets that tried to get his attention on the way with a mere wave of his hand. He tried to calm his beating heart as he entered their room where Todd was sitting upon his bed, nose deep in a poetry book.
“Who you reading?” He asked, startling Todd slightly, who jumped and stared at him while blushing a bright red and he felt a little victorious at the sight of that flush.
“Walt Whitmen,” Todd answered with an awkward smile, “Mr. Keating gave me a book of his works, it’s pretty good.”
He hummed slightly at the answer before testing the waters in perhaps the vaugest way possible.
“I personally like Oscar Wilde,” He said, trying to gauge Todd’s reaction which was simply a nod of agreement and a brief ‘me too’.
The room fell into an awkward silence after that as he settled onto his bed, trying to figure out how to proceed with his tests of homosexuality. After a few minutes he decided to just go for it, it was always going to be uncomfortable, so might as well jump in head first. He was an actor, he could act like he wasn’t extremely embarrassed.
“So, you went into town the other day, right?” He asked, cursing himself for being so tense, making the question seem like there was more to it than there was.
“Yes?” Todd answered with a slightly questioning tone himself, obviously confused about what was happening.
“Did you see anyone you liked there?” He cringed at the sound of his own voice, trying to ignore how Todd’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his eyebrows shot upwards.
“Um,”
“Just, you know how Knox got a little girlfriend now, was just wondering if you did?” That was casual enough, a friendly explanation.
“Oh, um, no, not really, I don’t, um,” Todd stumbled over his words before pausing and looking at him for a long while before he could see a decision being made in the boy’s eyes. “I, uh, actually don’t really like girls all that much.”
And that was that, it wasn’t a definite coming out, but it was clear enough that he understood it.
“Yeah, me neither.” He replied honestly, chuckling slightly at the way Todd looked surprised before nodding in agreement.
It was quiet for a long while after that, neither saying a word as they processed the information now at their disposal. He mulled over the idea, of Todd being queer like him and liking him back. The first part he hadn’t doubted was true for a while now, but the second part felt foregion to him. But he’d already come this far, and it was no use to him to turn back now, now that he was sure Todd could like him.
“So, you got your eye on anyone?” He quizzed and Todd sent him an odd look before replying.
“Yes.”
“What’re they like?” At that Todd paused and he knew the boy was trying to find the words to form the correct sentence. He knew by now that Todd struggled not only with his inability to speak in groups from anxiety, but also because he sometimes just couldn’t find the words. He guessed it was part of the reason Todd liked written speech, Todd could take time between words to find the right ones without sounding like an idiot.
“Really nice,” Todd finally started answering and he listened intensely, “very smart, got kind of longish hair with glasses. He, uh, he’s really just kind of perfect, talks a lot so I don’t have to, you know?” Todd glanced over at him and he hoped the boy couldn’t see the heartbreak in his eyes because Todd had just described Stick.
He really shouldn’t feel so bad, but thinking and knowing were too different things, he could handle the thought of Todd liking Stick when he could still secretly hope Todd liked him, but knowing Todd liked Stick.
It was a pain he couldn’t have ever imagined before.
His heart contracted to the point of agony as Todd’s words repeated in his head, a sharp aching filling his bones. It was like every nerve of his body was being pinched with pain and he had to fight the urge to show it on his face. He felt helpless because he knew he couldn’t move on from this, couldn’t move on from Todd.
“Sounds like a good guy, hope you get ‘im.” He muttered before turning the other way and settling in for bed as if it weren’t only five in the afternoon. He ignored Todd askingly calling his name a few times, not wanting to face the boy he was desperately in love with, but who was in love with someone else. Instead he stared at the dirty old wall of their dorm room, contemplating on what he was supposed to do now.
In the end he decided to go with his original plan of helping Todd get with Stick, no matter how much it killed him inside.
He convinced the other poets to let Stick come, although none of them were particularly pleased about his presence. He stopped glaring angrily at the other boy and even attempted to make small talk with him, but of course only about things relating to Todd, mostly about Todd’s accomplishments and his various good qualities. He knew that it probably seemed like he was obsessive, constantly talking about Todd, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
Charlie noticed of course and questioned him about it endlessly until he finally broke down and told the other boy about Todd’s confession. Charlie tried to make him feel better, but the teen couldn’t deny Todd’s feelings for Stick, not when Todd so blatantly spoke of them. Charlie briefly tried to add him into dissing Stick around Todd and try and make Todd lose feelings for the boy, but he steadfastly refused. He didn’t want to win Todd’s affections by getting Todd to hate the competition with petty lies, he wanted Todd to want to be with him, to reject the others even though they are good choices. He told Charlie exactly that and the boy quickly backed down, never mentioning that approach again.
He tried over and over to get Stick and Todd in the same room alone, either by telling the two that meetings were starting earlier than they actually were or by luring them in with different study groups. Stick seemed to be pleased by the amount of time he was now spreading with Todd, he could tell from the way Stick started giving Todd more attention and affection, but Todd didn’t seem to notice.
In fact, Todd seemed to be completely out of it, constantly staring off into space, not responding to anything that went on around him. Todd was frowning a lot more lately, not with his mouth, but with his eyes. Baby blue irises always turned down at his hands or feet with furrowed eyebrows creasing the skin between them. He tried to question the boy about what it was about, but got waved off every time, fed the same ‘just school stress’ lie every time.
He started to wonder if perhaps Todd had moved on from his crush on Stick, a small portion of him hoped so because perhaps he yet again had a chance, but Todd never looked twice at him. Plus it had only been a little over a week since they’d spoken about Todd’s object of affection and the only difference between Todd and Stick was that Stick was giving Todd more attention. It caused him to wonder if Todd didn’t like having Stick’s recognition, perhaps Todd liked to pine from afar. He knew that was a thing, people that didn’t want to do anything, but long for someone. Had read plenty of poetry by such people, who only wanted the fantasy of love without the reality, but Todd just didn’t seem like the type.
Todd was the type that didn’t expect to be noticed, but humbly enjoyed it when someone recognized him. And perhaps Todd didn’t like to be pulled from the shadows at first, but the way Todd bloomed under the spotlight when either the poets or Mr. Keating forced him under it was proof of enjoyment. Todd had confided in him before about the neglect he struggled through, the constant comparison between Jeff and Todd that left him feeling worthless and he confessed that he liked it when people finally praised him for something completely unrelated to his older brother. He knew that Todd craved the attention of his peers and knew that Todd would be the same with his lover.
So he just couldn’t understand why Todd was wilting now that he had the devoted attention of his inamorato.
It went on and on, where Todd would shy away from all notice like he did in the beginning. It got to the point where Todd simply stopped speaking once again and he couldn’t take it anymore. The complete absence of Todd’s personality and words was driving him to insanity and he vowed to put a stop to it and after the next meeting. He asked the boy to stay behind and Todd nervously nodded his agreement, but a single word uttered. As everyone filed out of the door the two stayed still, not speaking until the sound of footsteps was long gone.
As he opened his mouth to break the tense silence Todd started speaking, only two words that shifted everything for him.
“I’m sorry,” Was all Todd said before falling silent once more and leaving him to try and understand.
“What for?” He asked, completely bewildered by the unprompted apology.
“I’m sorry,” Todd spoke again, voice cracking and he realized in horror that the boy was holding back tears. The image spurred him into action, racing towards the seated boy with arms wide. He didn’t stop himself from resting next to the boy on the broken couch the poets had dragged down only a few weeks ago and wrapping his arms tight around the other teen.
Todd simply tensed upon the sudden hug before melting against him, sniffling a few times before pulling away to peer up at him with red rimmed eyes of embarrassment. Todd barely held his gaze for a second before turning away, still embraced, but no longer face to face.
“What are you sorry for, Todd,” He asked, tilting the boy’s jaw so he could stare at the beauty that was Todd Anderson.
“I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t have told you, I didn’t mean, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Todd answered, sniffling slightly and wiping his eyes.
“You don’t make me uncomfortable,” He responded honestly, not quite sure what could give Todd that impression.
“Yes I do,” Todd replies, voice wavering with emotion, “ever since you found I like you you’ve been trying to set me up with fucking Stick. I’m sorry okay, I’ve tried to get over it, but I just can’t and I’m sorry. I just want things to go back to how they used to be, I don’t want to keep having to deal with Stick flirting with me.”
Todd’s practically crying by the end of it, but he’s too shocked to try and comfort the boy, his mind repeating the words on loop.
“I like you” “I like you” “I LIKE YOU”.
Todd liked him, but that made no sense because he wasn’t the one Todd described only two weeks earlier, Todd had described Stick. He knew Todd had described Stick, the confession was all he’d been able to think about since it’d happened, but now Todd was talking like it was him he’d described.
“But, but I thought you liked Stick,” He mumbled completely out of his depth.
“I do like Stick, but not like that, he’s fine and all, but no.”
“But you said you liked Stick,” He insisted, “you said you liked a smart, kind boy with longish hair and glasses.”
At that Todd looked at him with a mix of sadness and confusion before stating.
“ You are a smart, kind boy with longish hair and glasses.” And as if to prove his point, Todd pulled his hair directly upwards to show its length and pointed at his left pocket where he kept his readers.
He sat there in shock for a few seconds, each moment that passed Todd became more uncomfortable and started fidgeting and shifting around. He never loosened his grip on the boy, keeping Todd firmly in place between the arm of the couch and himself as mulled over this information.
Todd had been describing him two weeks ago, confessed to him that he liked him and instead of replying in kind he’d turned away and pretended to fall asleep. He started to try and set Todd up with Stick, someone who apparently he didn’t like instead of confessing his own feelings. He can’t imagine how horrible that must have felt for Todd, if their roles were reversed it probably would’ve broken him. How Todd managed to still hang out with him is beyond him, his ‘rejection’ of Todd’s feelings wasn’t even a kind one.
“Todd,” He mumbled softly, knowing the pain he felt was shown on his face, “I didn’t know, you have to believe me, I really thought you were talking about Stick.”
“Is that why you’ve been trying to set us up?”
“Yeah, I thought that was what you wanted,” He replied, “To be completely honest I didn’t even realize you knew.”
“I noticed right from the start when you started lying about the meet times.” Todd said with a slight chuckle, falling silent once more before starting with a more serious tone, “if you had known I was talking about you, you wouldn’t have tried to set me up with Stick, or anyone for that matter, right?”
The uncertainty in Todd's voice confused and irked him.
“Of course not, if I’d known I would’ve confessed my feelings for you and asked you out myself.”
“What?” Todd looked bewildered. “Y-you like me?”
“I love you Todd,” He answered, gently taking a hold on the boy’s cheek, “how can you not realize that?”
“Then, then why did you try to set me up with Stick? If you liked me, why didn’t you get upset when you thought I liked Stick?”
“I was upset, desperately so, but I didn’t want you to be unhappy just because I was. You deserve the world Todd, and if getting what you want meant you dating Stick then by god I was going to make sure you got that.”
Todd looked at him with such pure surprise he felt bad, he knew Todd never really had someone there that did things for him. The boy’s parents only cared for Jeffery and not having any real friends growing up due to his inability to open up and communicate. He could imagine that the idea of someone putting his own happiness above theirs was one forgein to Todd.
“So you like me, but you thought I liked Stick which is why you pulled away from me?” Todd quizzed, “Not because I made you uncomfortable?”
He smiled softly at the blue-eyed boy, pulling him in tighter against him.
“You never make me uncomfortable,” He replied, licking his lips as his gaze flickering between Todd’s eyes and his soft pink lips. “And I hope I don’t make you uncomfortable by asking, can I kiss you?”
“No, uh, not uncomfortable at all,” Todd replied, voice squeaky as his face flushed a bright french rose color. “Actually, uh, quite the opposite.”
He smiled before leaning in and closing his eyes as Todd mirrored his motions only a second later. The first press of Todd’s lips against his had fireworks exploding behind his eyelids and something deep within him snapping into place. It certainly wasn’t perfect, neither of them having really kissed someone before, but it was comfortable. They laughed a bit when their teeth knocked together and they were smiling all too much to actually deepen the kiss, but they didn’t care. He felt as if he could kiss Todd for hours on end without ever getting bored of it, never wanting to pull away.
At least until Charlie’s voice rang throughout the cave.
“Have you two been eaten by animals or something? Why aren’t you back ye- Oh my god, I, my eyes, what the fuck? Why here? I swear, on the couch? If you get anything and I mean anything on the couch Ima strangle you both, any liquids or…or anything. I can’t, just, fuck…wait not fuck, dammit, I just. GOD.”
He turned in time to see Charlie retreating from the cave once more, arm thrown over his eyes as he blindly pulled himself out of the hole. He chuckled in embarrassment as his best friend’s form disappeared from sight with a final “Told you he liked you, Neil” and a few more muttered curses.
“I think we traumatized him,” Todd said with a small giggle that melted his heart.
“Eh, he could've seen worse, he will see worse if he keeps bargaining in on us like that,”
“Oh? Is that so?”
“Defenitly,”
And with that he launched himself at Todd once more, giving the boy another smiling kiss.