Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jaehee was seventeen when she got a boyfriend for the first time.  

Her classes, her part time job, her hours at the study hall. These were the three main things that devoured most of her life during those years. Back then, the wooden dividers of study rooms, desks and libraries were almost her second home (if her first could even be considered a home). She spent her time rummaging through the textbooks and stuffing herself with just enough knowledge to be able to evenly display it on the lines of every test paper that fell onto her desk. 

Typical of any student, really, but to Jaehee, it was her entire life. Both as someone who craved an escape and as the highest ranked in her school. The gradings that bit back onto the report cards were, truly, what regularly defined how her aunt would treat her until the next one arrived. 

Yet, even then, it wouldn't lessen the blow of her words. It'd simply give her aunt more of a reason to ignore her more intensely. 

But that had already been enough. 

Night fell quick that evening – she had to be home from the study hall by 11pm sharp. Exhaustion rarely came to her unless she remained disorganised in her self made schedules, but on this particular night, she had spent hours cramming math into her head for an upcoming test the following week. 

The intense silence was starting to get to her. The fluttering of a textbook's pages could be heard ever so slightly against the wooden dividers that separated each student's private space, and even the faint snores of those who failed to carry out their plans seemed to make her lose focus, although it never did before.

I need coffee , she sighed, rising from her seat, gently enough so as not to disturb those next to her. 

There had been a vending machine right outside the building. It was affordable, barely even a thousand won for a canned iced coffee. Just enough for her to slip spare change from her part time jobs into the money insertion. 

The contrast of the dark blue sky saturated the blatant white lights that burst from the windows of the establishment. Jaehee tended to squint whenever she stared through the glass, at the heads and backs of other students sitting in unison, moving their fingers like clockwork to their notes. All with a destiny just as undetermined as her own, perhaps, but set in stone by those around them.

She let out an exhale, sitting herself down by a bench, facing a blanked out street. The iced coffee, cold to the touch as well as taste, refreshed her mind from the stuffiness of sitting inside. It was nothing special – but despite her need for it, she always particularly enjoyed the taste of coffee, no matter it's price or source. Perhaps it was the result of drinking it so many times despite her age.

Seventeen and overdependent on caffeine. How reassuring, she scoffed to herself, pressing her lips to the iciness of the tin. Another person soon emerged from the building as she sat there in her puddle of gloom, still trying to revise in her head even during what was supposed to be a short break. 

It had taken a few seconds for him to catch her attention. When it came to Jaehee, a simple “Um, excuse me” wouldn’t be enough to break her from her train of thought. Finally, she glanced up to meet the eyes of the boy who stood by the vending machine, under the lighting of where they situated themselves. He looked to have just said something. 

“You’re Kang Jaehee, right?” He asked, fiddling with his sleeves. “You go to Haneul High school?”

“Ah,” she replied, uneasiness riding up her cheeks.  “Yes, I am.”

She’d never been used to actually talking to new people – she only kept a close circle of two friends she barely even met after school, merely people that attached themselves to her due to her status at school. For free tutoring, maybe, as an additional advantage. Starting up a fresh conversation with a face she couldn’t quite recognize made her fidgety, unsure of where to place her gaze or her hands. 

The boy let out a gasp, as if in awe. “Woah, who knew the top student went to the same study room as me…”

“Er...you go to Haneul, too?” 

“Well, obviously,” he laughed, taking out the drink that rattled onto the bottom of the vending machine. When it became clear Jaehee wouldn't laugh along with him, he continued.

“But it's not like no one knows who you are at school...you're pretty popular.”

Jaehee wanted to reply, “I’m aware,” but she had no idea how to say that without sounding a little conceited. She supposed she could take her liberties with her reputation; it’s not like she particularly cared, anyway. But highschool was highschool. 

Instead, she chose not to say anything. Words were not her forte at that age, and she knew anything she said might be taken the wrong way. Anything that would eventually anger her aunt would only deter and embarrass Jaehee.

But what the boy had said next, truly, was so unexpected, to the point where the canned coffee had spilled all over the brick pavement below, touching her school shoes.

“Then, could I have your number?” he asked. “Shit,” Jaehee cursed, when the stain had settled. 

Silence followed, half awkward and half stunned. Her hands reached down to rub off the liquid, another pair helping her after a few seconds. Perhaps she misunderstood his request, for a second there – could you blame her? Everything girls her age seemed to talk about was the concept of dating; and she's seen her friends getting asked out. She's read the novels at least once or twice. She knew how to read hidden meanings when they were blatant.

But, well, she didn't even know his name. 

“Ah, crap, I’m sorry,” the boy gasped, standing himself up as if he had read her mind. “I haven’t even introduced myself.” He rubbed the back of his neck as Jaehee stood to match his gaze, only slightly taller than she was. 

“It's okay,” Jaehee reassured, tossing the now empty can into the nearby bin. I might have to get another one , she sighed to herself. I only drank three sips . 

“I'm Han Joowon. I'm from the class next to yours.” He lightly bowed, then, out of courtesy. She reciprocated, offering him a polite smile that thinned out her lips. Nevermind. It seems I don't have any more change.

Something about him made him seem like an earnest puppy;  a little desperate to make Jaehee's acquaintance, but not to the point where it came off as creepy or invasive. She almost felt a little bad for him – but she had to return to her desk. Her self appointed break would end soon. 

“I'm going to head back inside, now,” she managed to note, nodding at him before stopping in her tracks. “Ah, wait – you wanted my number, right?” 

“Oh, uh, yes.” He took out his phone the moment she uttered the word 'number.' 

“Might I ask what for?”

“I’d like to be friends with you,” Joowon replied, rather sheepishly. “We go to the same study room after all. Oh, only if you want to, of course.” He punched a few buttons onto his phone, presumably to search for his contact information, as if he didn't expect her to decline. 

Still, she took out her own phone – a flip phone, as it was back then. Joowon smiled at her politely; he took this as confirmation that she'd be okay with it. And the exchange was quick; as soon as they added each others' numbers, Jaehee bid him goodbye.

“Are you sure you don't want another coffee?” he asked, motioning to the vending machine. “I could buy you one.” 

She waved her hand, then, rattling them as if to refuse profusely. Jaehee's break was sure to end in a moment; the minutes were ticking. “No, no, it's alright. Thank you for the offer.” 

“Um, okay.” Joowon pressed his own can to his mouth, taking a large gulp. A grin lined across his lips, waving at her lightly. 

“Well, I'll see you around, Jaehee.”

“...You too.” Finally, her back turned on him. As soon as the instance of needing to keep polite conversation had cut itself short, she jogged back inside and into her seat, where the rest of her night took place. 

“Oh, he's definitely interested in you,” Ahyoung, the more mischievous half of her two friends, had snickered, when Jaehee relayed this incident to them. 

“How the hell did you gather that from just one conversation!?” Yujin, the other half, exclaimed. Jaehee couldn’t particularly pinpoint what defined her, as a person – she barely fit the categories of ‘smart’ or, at least, ‘self aware’. She, however, in this moment, was definitely her voice of reason. 

Ahyoung released a heavy sigh, as if the answer was clear enough for both of them to see. “What kind of boy just comes up to you to ask for your number? Clearly, he had hidden intentions.” 

“Yeah, like letting him copy off her homework,” Yujin scoffed, rolling her eyes. Jaehee was usually the neutral face of their bickering, but when the topic centred around her – a rare occurrence – she obviously swayed between one or the other.

Truth be told, she didn’t know what to make of it. She hadn’t seen him since that conversation, not even this morning, on the way to school. At some point she had begun second guessing herself, as if the existence of Han Joowon was a hallucination, a dream manifested from her fatigue. Or too much caffeine, perhaps.

But apparently, the boy did exist. Ahyoung had a friend of a friend of a friend who went to the same clubs as him, according to her memory. He was even rather popular within their social hubs – though to her, it seemed unlikely that he would be the type to befriend everyone, due to his bashful display the previous night. 

“What if…” Jaehee objected, her words trailing off her mouth thoughtfully. “What if he just wanted to be my friend?” 

The two, having been caught off from their earlier squabbling, turned to look at her. They were all seated by her desk during their lunch break, when the sun had doused the entire classroom in a stagnant yellow. She sat by the window, in the first row – the other girls loved to group up with her just to talk, instead of heading into the cafeteria. It was sort of a routine for them, a little reminder to Jaehee that perhaps they genuinely wanted to be around her, after all. 

“That’s possible,” Yujin nodded. “But wouldn’t he have picked up a conversation if that were the case?” Jaehee had the jajangmyeon and rice that the school provided – they usually tasted like they always did, but the bitter tang of the sauce suddenly got to her. But, well, she would never be the type to talk to the cafeteria ladies about it. 

Ahyoung placed a hand on her shoulder, suddenly very intent on pushing the agenda that he was after something more than being friends. “She’s right, Jaehee. I know these things. And from the way you described it, he has to be interested. He isn’t the type to cheat off of you for assignments – honestly!” The fair haired girl giggled, then, continuing to eat her own food. Home cooked, and Jaehee could tell from the way the rice still steamed on the lid of her salmon pink lunch box. 

“At least, that’s what I heard from Jiho.” This statement was, however, heavily muffled from the rice Ahyoung had stuffed into her cheeks. Garnering an eye roll from Yujin, she began to start giving off her spiel about manners – in any way, the topic had changed, and Jaehee preferred it this way. Being teased after an encounter with a boy was the last thing she needed – their CSATs were coming up in due time. If she didn’t put her entire heart and soul onto it, like she always did, then what point would it be getting this far? 

Unfortunately, that surge of determination had been cut short. Especially when the boy they had just been talking about entered the classroom, not catching Jaehee’s attention until Ahyoung roughly shoved her with her elbow, motioning with her eyes. 

Joowon had appeared by her desk, still fiddling with his uniform’s sleeves like he did last night. In this light, Jaehee was much more able to observe his features – dark hair that brushed over his rounded face, with a constant expression that seemed to almost never have any bad intentions. Looking at him felt like looking at something small and puffy – like a chick. She almost laughed at her own comparison. 

“Um, Jaehee?” The boy called, until she finally glanced up to meet his eye. Whispers began to swarm around the classroom, and suddenly, all eyes were peeled onto the scene before them. Even her cousin, who went to her class during lunch to sit with his friends, looked pointedly at her, as if she had an abundance of secrets left to unravel before him.

She felt a thorny sensation catch in her throat – she didn’t like this feeling, of everyone watching her for all the wrong reasons. This wasn’t who she was.

Or...was she?

“Yes?” She ignored the hushed voices, pretending she didn’t care. This had been inflated into something more absurd than what it truly was. Joowon, a practical stranger to her, only the topic of discussion simply because he was a boy, smiled at her. He seemed oblivious, and Jaehee felt a wave of relief crash over her. 

“You remember me, right? From yesterday?”

“Well, it was only yesterday,” she acknowledged, pointing out the obvious. “Of course I would remember you…er, Joowon.” 

When his name fell from her lips, the boy brightened. Did he really doubt her that much ? she wondered, another enigma to the way others might talk about her in the hallways. 

“Great. That– that’s great.” He had brought out his phone, even though they weren’t allowed to use them within campus. A charm dangled from it in thick string – it was a character Jaehee couldn’t recognize, moving back and forth in slow motions as he pressed on his dial pad. 

“I think I got your number wrong,” he continues, showing her the screen. Ahyoung, Jaehee, and even Yujin bent over to observe the white glow. Rubbing the back of his neck, soft, apologetic laughter rumbled through him once he revealed that he had tried to contact her earlier, only for it to be a completely different person texting him back.

“This is really embarrassing,” he chuckled, before motioning his phone to her. “But could you put in your number, this time? Just to make sure I don’t get it wrong?”

Jaehee eyed the message he was supposedly going to send her. hey jaehee!, it read . thank you for giving me your number! lets get along well for the CSATs ;)

Yujin and Ahyoung must’ve read through it too, because now they were both exchanging knowing glances, both at each other and to Jaehee. She gave them a pointed look, whatever you two are thinking, you’re wrong, before shifting her gaze back up to Joowon. 

“Sure,” she said, rather blankly. She offered her hand to him so she could dial in her number herself, but in an instance, she stopped what she had been doing.

Jaehee analyzed the situation, and its implications, once again. Exchanging numbers with a boy she barely knew wouldn’t be that bad, would it? It was hard to get the wrong idea (unless you were someone like Ahyoung). 

And so far, her impression of Joowon was far from the men her friend surrounded herself with. He seemed genuine enough – and she could always delete and block his number if he came off as sketchy…not like she had any experience of such an encounter before. 

“I’ll just text you,” she remarked, eventually. “I am quite sure I’ve gotten your number right.”

“Oh…” Joowon trails off, retracting his phone slowly. “Okay. That’s fine too. Oh, what are you guys eating?”

This boy, after nonchalantly shoving his phone back into his pocket, had his attention suddenly diverted by seeing the meals they all shared on her desk. Truly, this fact had been quite intriguing to Jaehee – how he would so effortlessly change the subject. But she didn’t know that back then. To her friends, and perhaps any prying eye besides her own, they’d find this quite endearing of him. 

So she assumed she must, as well. “This is nothing,” Jaehee admitted, even smiling up at him with a bashfulness that felt as genuine as it was forced. “It’s just jajangmyeon from the cafeteria. The pleasant smell must be coming from Ahyoung’s – her, well, her mother made hers, right?” 

Why was she pushing for conversation between them? She couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Whether or not it was a social responsibility had been one thing, but she was usually the type to end conversations with strangers as soon as they’re started. Ahyoung had gone off explaining the intricacy of her meal – a fried egg with an assortment of side dishes, each of which her mother had a particular way of preparing well. If there was one thing Jaehee could trust her on, it was her ability to talk on and on about her mother. 

As she finished up her meal, the conversation blurring itself out of earshot. He remained here, fixing himself into her puzzle of friends as easy as he convinced her to be his. Jaehee pondered on the probability of him asking for their numbers pretty soon – this is what highschool is all about for those who bore lesser burdens on their hands, after all. 

She shook her head. It felt rude of her to assume such things, of these people. Because, well, what did she know about their lives or their own unspoken burdens?

Just then, her name had been called within the mist that bubbled from the outward fog of voices. Joowon was still here, blinking expectantly at her. 

“Jaehee,” Yujin repeated, allowing her to look up, once more. “Geez, you really tend to space out a lot,” she heard her friend chuckle. 

“Hm?”

“I asked if you would like some of my mother’s sweets,” Joowon said, apparently already seated on top of the desk next to hers. “My family, uh, owns a bakery. Ahyoung tells me you like pastries a lot."

“Oh, that’s an understatement,” Ahyoung giggles, flashing a look at her. “She can’t help herself to them when I bring some to school. But for some reason, she never comes when we ask her to come along to eat some outside.”

“That’s because –” Jaehee starts, but is unable to finish her sentence. That’s because she needs to study. Because her aunt…

The topic had centered around her again – this time, her so-called love for pastries. That idea had been absurd to her; was it not normal for an average person to enjoy sweets? She was ready to argue to this notion, almost with the intent to defend herself, but Joowon had continued his case.

“Well, if you're free, I'd love you guys to visit us – ah, don't worry, I'm not advertising or anything!” He waved his hands in a way that feigned nervousness, allowing a bit of giggling from the two girls before her. 

“I can just guarantee you'll love our sweets. What's your favorite, Jaehee?” Whenever he addressed her, he looked directly at her, as if a response was vital. 

Their conversation had gone on that way. She told him she had no favorites, but chocolate cake was nice after he'd prodded her about it. He'd said that he'd bring her some for free, a sample test, to which she politely declined, until she gave in after an insistent back and forth.

Finally, the bell rang, indicating the end of their lunch break. Joowon shifted away from the desk when he saw it's student approaching, and waved goodbye to their group before leaving. Jaehee felt the breath she had been holding release itself, the tenseness loosening — the nerves and uncertainty of this whole situation finally shook itself free, but its remains stayed.. But at least she finished her food. 

Forgetting the gritty details, the weeks that followed were similar in fashion. Joowon became a familiar face, fitting himself along with her other two friends. The whispers and high strung gossip began to settle in time – there was probably something more interesting to talk about next, anyway – and Jaehee’s earlier doubts about his intentions were nothing more than a precautionary tale. Perhaps a result of an encounter she found foreign to her.

However, Ahyoung was still insistent on him being interested, ever since she eyed that winky face in his message within their first – no, second – encounter. When it was just the three of them, she’d pick apart his words and turn them into ridiculous implications. And even when he was around, present in the room, sharing his day, Ahyoung would look at the two of them with a teasing smirk. 

In fact, she was more desperate for Jaehee to get a boyfriend than Jaehee herself. 

But it wasn’t as if Jaehee didn’t like him – in fact, she enjoyed his company. He stayed true to his word, and bought pastries for them to try (His mother’s chocolate cake? Definitely to die for). She had someone to talk to during her breaks in the study rooms, and he was never a distraction to her. He knew of her situation at home, like most people in their school did, but said nothing of it to her. Sometimes, he’d even walk her to her part time job, at the convenience store. 

He was, if anything, refreshing and bright. A break from the silence she often surrounded herself with. 

On paper, he was the perfect candidate for a boyfriend, or even just a passing crush. The first boy who’d been this nice to her, courteous and friendly, without ever coming off as overbearing. When they sat together by the benches one night, drinking their iced coffee, she decided to get a good look at him for the first time. After all, in their conversations, he did most of the talking – and he never minded.

Though his face was round, babyish in nature, she understood the parts of him that made him popular and well liked – he had fairly pretty eyes, almond shaped and the colour of the chocolate cake he often brought over. His eyelashes were long; she figured other girls loved that in men. His nose wasn’t that bad…well, it was just a nose. He had a bowl cut that framed his face, brushed his eyebrows, with a height that could be considered tall, since Jaehee was considered short. 

And his lips…she struggled to think of something to say about them. They were clean, a thin glimmer of the coffee they were drinking gleaming on his bottom lip. When he talked, he loved to smile; as if everything he said was funny, or was bound to be laughed at by others.

In a way, she understood why other people might find him attractive. Even she could acknowledge it – he was cute, to more accurately describe it. 

But, well, that was it. 

“Jaehee…?”

She realised she had been staring at his lips for too long. It seemed he caught her, too, from the flushed colour of his cheeks that highlighted itself under the glow of the vending machine. 

Expressing a wave of shyness, her gaze averted, but one thing had become clear; Joowon suddenly grew silent, rubbing his thumb against the coolness of the iced coffee. Jaehee had words urge themselves out of her, providing some sort of explanation, anything to excuse herself out of this silent misunderstanding –

But she didn't dare to set them free.

Huh, she remembered thinking, in that moment. Ahyoung was right. 

That night, Jaehee wanted, for once in her life, to play hooky with the decisions she made. Even if it were inconvenient, difficult – against all the safeguards and walls she constructed to keep her safe, to keep everyone around her happy . She wanted to be a teenager in one, pure aspect, like Ahyoung, and all her endless romances. Perhaps even like Yujin, with her own desire to have her feelings returned by the same bot who never reciprocated, ever since middle school. 

She wanted to have a crush. To be in so-called love . To experience it, no matter how pointless it all was for people her age. To grasp the human desire of having something to herself, and could enjoy just for the sake of enjoying it. 

And there he was. An opening, an opportunity , sitting by her side as he blushed under the moonlight. She liked him just enough to not be appalled by the idea, and she figured in time, she'd be able to understand what this all meant. 

But she could not kiss him, even though the situation would be perfect for it. She didn't know how, or if she even could. Instead she reached for his hand, intently, as if she had been planning to all along. He returned the gesture, carefully taking her fingers into his own – she flinched when he moved, but let herself be carried by every inch of what was to happen next. 

“Your hands are cold,” he murmured, only loud enough for her to hear. 

“Yours are, too.”

“Do...you think it's the weather, or the iced coffee?”

“...Perhaps it's both.” 

Then, he grinned. She did the same. This wasn't too bad, even as something clenched under her skin, something she assumed had been her heart.

Her hair, still long and straight up to her back during those years, had been carried by the breeze, sweeping tendrils across her temples. She began to draw them back behind her ear, until his fingers grazed across her jaw, tucking it gently before she did. Joowon's touch was tender, as if Jaehee would crumble under it, effortlessly careful. 

This escalation of events made her light-headed, unsure of how such a small action led to something like this. She wanted to say something, but couldn't find words that would make sense in this situation.

“So…” He finally spoke, even after minutes of them holding hands. Jaehee couldn't remember what time it was, but she knew her self appointed break was almost over from the way her iced coffee emptied. 

“Does this mean, we're – uh, well, you know…” Joowon struggled to utter the word dating , even though he had the confidence to do everything he was able to do up to now. She found this odd, but chose to not address it. Neither of them even voiced the heavily laced confessions that would confirm what the other felt for each other, but she supposed that in this moment, actions did more than mere words. 

“Yes.” She tossed the empty can into the recycling bin, a certain distance away. “If that's alright with you, I suppose we are.”

“Oh – it's...it's definitely alright. More than alright, actually–”

“Great.” Jaehee let her hand slip out of his, standing up. Something was ringing in her ears – a silent triumphant victory or the feeling of having another thing checked out of her list, she didn't know. Regardless, her prospects were not about to change, dating or not. 

“I have to go back inside.” She let her fingers into the pockets of her navy blue jacket, the ones given off from the school. There's only so many times she can smile in one night and have it be genuine , so she does not.

Instead, she said, “I'll text you when I'm home.” Her legs seemed to take her back to the building, lightly nodding at him in farewell, but it was polite to at least wait for a response.

“I...I can walk you home,” Joowon offers, already following after her. He's beaming at this point, satisfied and excited. His puppy-like behavior doubled from the way she could imagine his tail wagging from the prospect of taking her home.

But, of course, she shook her head. “Not tonight,” she managed to say.

He stood, digesting her response. “Not tonight,” he echoed, quietly elated. 

She was by the glass entrance now, where the lady stationed by the front desk blinked at the two of them. Jaehee allowed her gaze to drift over him, about to bid him goodnight or good luck in his studying. But in a swift instance he leaned over her, and she immediately guessed what was about to happen.

His lips brushed over her cheek, close within the spot he’d brushed her hair back, by her ear. He was too close, and everything progressed far too quickly than she imagined. It had been only a peck, but she felt as if he had kissed her silly in public.

A rush of pink flooded her skin, dusting the coolness over its color as her eyes widened. Her attention switched to the lady in the glass cubicle, responsible for letting them rent their desks, thinking she’d judge them – but she merely ignored the two, flipping through some paperwork mindlessly. 

“Don’t do that.” She huffed, distancing herself further from him. “...Not…not yet, okay?”

“Sorry,” Joowon grinned, teasing now that he had gotten a reaction out of her. “I’m just really happy right now.”

“I understand, but…” The boy moved past her before she could even finish, his strides giddy and quick.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jaehee.” And just like that, he disappeared into one of the cubicles, only the top of his head visible. 

She blinked. Once, then twice, before slowly returning to her own desk as well, when a single realization had come to her.

Jaehee, at seventeen, had just gotten a boyfriend, during a breezy October night. 

Her first boyfriend. Supposedly a feat, a high achievement, for girls like her. 

Searching for the notes she had left off on – she was revising English – and her fingers lingering through the handwritten sentences, repetitions of the same words and phrases she had ingrained into her mind, she supposed she were to feel as high and woozy with contentment as Joowon.

And she was, sure, just a little. Just decently. 

Joowon, she said to herself, letting the syllables spill and droop from her thoughts. Han Joowon, she wrote, in romanized letters. 

But back then, to her, that was more than enough. 

Chapter Text

The following morning, Jaehee's heart was shifting up to her throat. The commute to school felt different than usual; like she had suddenly become aware of her surroundings, or the people around her.

She wondered if they knew, just by looking at her – that she was a teenage girl with a boyfriend now.

Boyfriend. The word, foreign to her tongue, felt so common when referring to other people. But now the word directed itself to her, belonged to her. She still couldn't believe it, nor even find it in her to truly feel it just yet.

That opportunity had risen when Joowon stood at the front of the subway station, waving brightly up at her. He seemed to shimmer up against the early morning sun, lighting up the moment they caught each other.

Jaehee stopped in her tracks, bound to the ground beneath her feet. She was unsure of what to do – it was a bit hypocritical, really. She was the one who wanted this to happen, and now she has no clue what came after the confession. She knew what happened several steps down the line, and it didn't seem appealing at all – but what about the immediate jump start? What do they do, what do they say? 

“Good morning,” she greeted sheepishly, waving back at him as soon as she noticed her cousins move ahead of her. She had been cautious about hiding her little friendship with Joowon with them, out of fear they’d tell their mom; but so far they said nothing. Which was a relief.

“Hi,” he replied, still smiling his best Joowon smile. After it was clear there was nothing more to say to each other, they began to walk, side by side. Jaehee was quick, Joowon only trying to match her pace. 

The first few days of their relationship were like that. Quiet, awkward, new. Jaehee figured she’d eventually get used to him being around in a romantic sense, staring at her with a different glint in his eye like she was the prettiest thing in the world – or caring for her in a way that made other people notice. He liked to carry her bag, buy them both vending machine drinks at their sessions in the study room, or brush away food that got on her cheeks. 

But she wasn’t used to it. It’s not that she didn’t like the attention he was giving her; in fact, it made her blend in with her friends, now having something to relate about when they talked about the men in her lives. Ahyoung found it hilarious, but Yujin was proud of Jaehee, as if she had finally taken a step towards becoming what was "normal." And Joowon was a saint when she told him she wanted to take it slow – the most they’d gone is holding hands for a minute or two. 

She just felt like she wasn’t ready for this. All this skinship, romance, the whole thing. This hadn’t been what she had hoped in its entirety – but perhaps this feeling, the quickening of her heartbeat when he had gotten close, or how nervous she would be for anything he did, was exactly what these girls were always talking about. Young love, or whatever it might be. A new experience she would eventually learn to enjoy. 

But soon enough, this became a routine. She’d loosened herself around Joowon, let herself talk to him more. She was more willing to spend alone time with him, to let him be more affectionate (with the exception of kisses, of course). He was a good listener, and so was she; conversations were what she supposed to be their love language. And she trusted him – genuinely, truly trusted him. 

And that was all that mattered to her.

Jaehee had just finished judo practice. She used to go to the dojo thrice a week on days she didn’t need to attend cram school – and today, her instructor had complimented her on her form. Because of this, she was in an elevated mood on the way home.

However, by the time she had arrived home, the air in the house had been more tense than usual. The living room was eerily quiet, but the light was on, which meant there was someone present. 

Removing her shoes with the obligatory chime of “I’m home”, Jaehee noticed that her aunt and uncle were seated at the dining table next to each other. There was nothing on the table except her aunt’s folded hands, the woman’s face hardened and vicious under the white light of the living room. 

Almost immediately, Jaehee knew she had done something wrong. 

“Jaehee,” her uncle coughed nervously, “we, uh, we need to talk.”

Her eyes scanned the situation. Left, then right. Back from her uncle to her aunt – and a million variables bulldozed into her brain. Had she scored too low on her last test? Spent too much time away from home? Spent too much pocket money for food?

But, of course, the main thing that she thought about was her relationship with Joowon. 

Slowly, she sat herself down across from them, making sure to not be loud enough to aggravate her aunt as she settled, bracing herself for impact. If they had asked her to end things with him, she would have no choice but to do so. That was final.

“Your aunt has noticed that you’ve been lacking on your share of the chores,” he began, motioning to the woman next to him. His aunt was the least agreeable person to be with, but Jaehee could never completely dislike her. She was nice enough to at least let her stay with them, make her food, and pay for her expenses. Even if she held that fact above her head almost every single day. 

And, of course, she had yet to notice something suspicious from Jaehee. Her relationship with Joowon was safe – and yet, a wave of guilt seemed to wash over her, and how easily she accepted her supposed fate with him. Weren’t teenage girls usually more stubborn when it came to things like that? 

“So we’ve decided to give you some more–”

“You will be doing your own laundry from now on,” her aunt intervened, trying to cut to the chase. Jaehee nodded politely, ready to accept anything that came to her. 

“You may be a freeloader, but I expect you to at least be able to be responsible for your own things.” 

“Yes, auntie.”

“Also, I expect you to be back home as soon as you are done with your classes. No hanging out with those delinquent friends of yours.”

If anything, your sons are the delinquents, Jaehee wanted to say, but bit her tongue right before it came out of her lips. And thank God for that. 

She bowed politely at the both of them before entering her room, which was at the furthest end of the hall. As soon as she had shut the door, a shaken breath fell out of her mouth, the dim light of the room enveloping her into a deep sense of comfort. 

This was the only place on Earth in which she could be herself. This tiny room that, although didn’t entirely belong to her, was where she spent her most vulnerable hours. She combed through her long hair, staring at herself blankly at a small mirror she had put on the wall – this was something her mother had done every night, a routine she decided to keep even after she had gone. With each stroke, her thoughts resonated within the in-betweens; how much she would work to leave, how long she had left before the CSATs (around 11 months), what she would do on her birthday, graduation – and Joowon. 

Did she picture a future with him? She wasn’t sure. She had never thought that far, especially when they had only been dating for around a month and a half. Maybe she should spend her Christmas and birthday with him and her friends, but her family would definitely get suspicious if she had gone out on those particular dates during their winter break. 

The thought of sneaking out, however, offered a certain thrill that made her smile. The same kind that thrived within her senses when she first held Joowon’s hand. But she figured she would never actually do it; it was too dangerous, and too radical for someone like her to ever carry out. 

Winter break eventually rolled in, snow lightly falling against her nose and cheeks. That December was a particularly cold one – she never liked her birthday month, not ever since she was 14. It had become a dreadful reminder of things she preferred to keep shoved down her throat; and staying at home, toiling away at her aunt’s orders was nothing short from an undesirable set of weeks to come. 

Joowon would often text her, and even a day into their vacation her flip phone would buzz with at least five separate messages from him. This often annoyed her – because why wouldn’t you just put everything you wanted to say all at once? – and it made her weary of her relatives' hearing, so she left it on silent. He’d understood that they couldn’t meet due to her circumstances, but hoped they’d at least be able to call one another often. Jaehee eventually wondered why he was so hellbent on talking to her so frequently when he had dozens of other people in his contacts, friends, who could most probably provide much more interesting conversation than she could. 

But she still appreciated the attention, since she didn’t have the liberty of talking to that many people over the break. This was what her relationship with Joowon became – full of self compromises despite her discomfort, of half truths and insincerity. Even now, she couldn’t picture the true difference that the two of them had from friends and partners besides the affection. 

The thing is: what she felt for him, she was beginning to realise, was the exact same way she loved Ahyoung and Yujin. She enjoyed his company, trusted him with her thoughts and words, and didn’t mind when he occasionally annoyed her. The same way she relished in being around her two friends, was herself around them, and allowed them their liberties even if she didn’t like some of it. Did that mean she loved Ahyoung and Yujin romantically? Or that she merely loved Joowon platonically? 

What even was love to her? 

Now, it was already Christmas Eve. Jaehee was walking to the store, her hands in her pockets and her hair knotted into a bun. Her aunt had sent her on some errands, so she was heading on into the cold early in the afternoon. The streets that day were dusted in white and gold, her footsteps crunching against the ice. There were fairy lights all over town – and at the centre, she knew there would be a grand Christmas tree, where couples would visit during the evening. A huge twinkling fantastical spectacle just waiting to unfold.

If you asked her what she always wanted to do at this time of the year, Jaehee couldn’t answer you. She enjoyed watching the snowfall, balled them up into her fists until they became perfect spheres. She liked observing the picture-perfect families thumping along the pavement, laughter trickling out from their little bubble. She enjoyed drinking hot coffee under the cold, desserts to match. So she did all of it during her walk outdoors, moving in silence, happily alone. 

It wasn’t until the last part, when she went to buy herself a chocolate cake (and eat it before she got home) did she notice things falling apart. She realised this was Joowon’s bakery – he told her the name and location of it many times, but it didn’t occur to her until she accidentally stumbled upon it – and Joowon himself had stepped out of the back, his eyebrows raised. 

She had been ignoring his messages for almost the whole day.

Struggling to think of what to do next, she forced a polite smile at him, then at who she supposed was his mother, who was neatly wrapping up her slice of cake. She looked just like him, with the same almond eyes and nose, her hair cropped into a short, wavy bob. 

As soon as she had paid and the cake was in her hands, she bowed at his mother before taking her leave. Soon after, she flinched once she heard the clink of the bells that echoed after her exit. 

“Jaehee,” she heard him call, gently. Joowon was always so nice to her, so understanding, so loving. Even when she could never completely reciprocate it. So why, why –

“You haven't been answering my messages the whole day. I…I even called. I thought something was up.”

She turned, finally, to face him. He was dressed in an apron with his hair pinned up so it wouldn't touch his eyes. He wasn't wearing a jacket in this cold, and his breaths were merely mist against the air. His eyebrows were furrowed, his arms kneading against each other, his eyes desperately searching for hers. 

“I'm sorry,” she breathed, tightening her grip on the bags she was carrying as well as the cake, the plastic digging into her palms. “I was really busy the whole day. My aunt gave me a lot to do so –”

“Tomorrow,” he said, his tone steady. “It's Christmas. We should go on a date.”

Jaehee's eyes couldn't help but sweep briefly back across the glass of the bakery. Did his mother know that they were dating? That she , of all people, was this guy's girlfriend?

“You know I can't leave the house for no reason,” she reasoned, sighing. “This is the only time I could go outside.”

“You could sneak out. That's what people our age usually do.”

“I will not risk seeming ungrateful and rebellious in front of my aunt and uncle,” she cut in, sharply. Jaehee didn't want to argue with him, and her face seemed to fade out as soon as she got to the end of that sentence, but she had to. 

“Not even for you.”

There was a pause. Joowon looked away from her, at their feet. They were a close distance away from each other, and in public. She knew this would be dangerous in case anyone who knew her relatives saw, so she took a cautious step back. This, however, seemed to be what started something in him.

“You never seem to risk anything , Jaehee,” he mumbled, kicking lightly at the snow. “You know – by dating a person, you'd have to take some chances. I thought you knew what those chances were, but I guess not.”

“Joowon–”

“I'm trying my best to be patient because I really like you, Jaehee.” The words made her flinch. “And I know stuff back at home isn't – well – it isn't easy. But you and I have never gone on a proper date. We've never kissed. And you never even told me that you liked me back.”

She looks at him, sympathetically, almost hurt. Because she knew everything he was saying was the blatant truth. Despite wanting to be daring with her life, to make choices that put her on the edge, she never actually made them. Maybe she did, but she still chose to play it safe, within the guidelines. 

But never tried to challenge them. 

“I just think that I deserve something too. Both as your boyfriend and as your friend.”

“I do,” she replied, almost desperate. “I do…like you.” I think. “I'm sorry. But I am not the type of person to completely rebel, and I don't think I will ever be.” Even though she wanted to, so badly. Even if it weren't for Joowon.  

“How do you think I feel?” he smiled, sheepishly. “I don't know. I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you. I just got a bit too heated is all.”

“Don't apologize. I'm the one at fault.” Thinking to herself, the plastic in her hands starting to ache, she managed to blurt it out without a second thought. 

“Tomorrow,” Jaehee muttered, nervously, as if she was still unsure of what she was confessing. “Tomorrow, 10PM.  Meet me at the centre square, where all the lights are. I will…I will try to sneak out.”

It took a moment for the both of them to comprehend what she just said. Regret seemed to flash across her body – but it was already too late. He smiled his signature smile that reassured her that everything was going to be okay, before reaching over to take the bag from her hands.

It seemed that he wasn't mad anymore.

“Let me help you with that. At least a few blocks down.”

“No – I'm alright. Thank you.” Jaehee tightened her grip, pacing backwards onto the street. She needed to find a park to finish her cake quickly, before her aunt noticed that she was gone too long. 

“Tomorrow, then,” Joowon grinned, waving at her.

“Yes,” she huffed, beginning to walk away. “Tomorrow.”

And before Jaehee knew it, the dreaded date finally arrived. Ever since she had finished her dinner and was excused to her room, she had been pacing back and forth, unsure of what to do. She tried studying a bit, doing her workbook exercises, but her mind still wandered off into the thought of meeting Joowon at this hour. 

They would hold hands. She knew that already, and she preferred that with him. But he might expect something more - something she definitely wasn’t ready for. And her birthday was in three days, so he probably got her something for that too.

Jaehee sat down at her desk, running her hands through her hair. It wasn’t like her to be so uneasy – Jaehee was good at keeping calm, at being rational. But it was getting difficult to do so when she herself had made a decision so unlike her – and she wasn’t even sure if she actually wanted it to happen or not. She’d much prefer being at home, working on her exercises and playing safe with her current situation. If she were a college girl, or a working adult, she could go on as many dates as he wished – but she wasn’t even eighteen yet. She was living under someone else’s roof, and Jaehee made the oath to herself that she would remain indebted to them. It was a battle between what he wanted, what her family wanted and what she wanted, but even she couldn’t figure that out for herself. 

But she recalled what Joowon had said the day before. About how he deserved to receive some of the things that he was giving her – and he wanted this from Jaehee. It felt like her duty as a girlfriend to at least make an effort to be with him, for the sake of satisfying him the same way he had always tried to satisfy her. 

“This is so ridiculous,” she mumbled to herself. Finally, she rose from her desk, opening her cabinet. She grabbed one of her coats, steadying her breaths. 

Joowon would be waiting for her. She couldn’t let him down. And Jaehee didn’t have the conscience to leave him stranded alone on Christmas, even if her feelings for him were not as strong as she’d wished they would be. 

Jaehee had worn a dark blue coat that fell to her ankles and enough layers underneath to keep her warm, but also enough to make sure she was as quiet as possible when leaving. She wondered if she had to wear makeup, but decided not to – Joowon had always seen her without it, anyway. There wouldn’t be a difference if she wore some or not. 

And she combed through her long brown hair, each stroke reminiscent of her mother. Perhaps she was guiding her now, in a way, giving her the courage that she needed to do something like this. 

Quickly texting Joowon that she would be arriving soon and shoving her phone into her pocket – it was 9:30 – she allowed herself at least a minute of deep breaths. 

She would quietly make it out of here, and reach the centre square by 10. She would spend time with him until 11. Then she’d make it home by 11:30. She'd seen those dramas where they managed to do so successfully, and while those things were dreadfully convenient, who's to say things wouldn't work out for her, too?

Jaehee let her hands rest on the knob of her bedroom door, and felt herself softly prod it open. She took a step out, then another. The hallway was enveloped in darkness, not a sound filling the air. When she reached the living room, she knew she only had a little more to go until –

“I knew it.”

Her heart nearly burst out of her chest, a gasp strangling out of her lips. The lights flickered on to reveal one of her cousins seated on the couch, his arms crossed, a serious look on his face. Her hands fell to her waist, her stomach dropping as if she had just been pushed off a cliff. 

And next to him, of course, was the cutthroat glare of none other than his mother. Her aunt. 

Chapter Text

The silence was deafening the first day back.

The train furiously clanked against the rails, the howling of the wind piercing through the windows. A resolution had overcome her then, similar to the way the morning light overpowered her senses, striking her blind, when it passed through the glass in heavy tendrils. Her cousin sat next to her, sullen and silent, but on his phone texting who she believed was his girlfriend. 

So you can have one, and I can't?

Their station arrived. A cool voice announced it on the speaker, but she had gotten up beforehand. Her cousin shot up from his seat first and sped past her, as if she were only a vision, or a ghost that haunted him in the mornings. 

That night was incredulous, to say the least. Jaehee knew if her aunt found out, it would be bad. But she didn't know it would be that bad.

She had her phone taken from her. If she needed to call someone, she needed to borrow her cousin's. Frankly, it took everything in Jaehee to not body slam him onto the pavement whenever she saw him, but with enough practice, the urge had subsided. 

She wondered if this was the end of her time with Joowon – if she would feel something, like a rebellious spirit to keep fighting for their relationship, to become more secretive. But it was impossible. 

I don't think he'll be there waiting for me Jaehee guessed, taking small steps forward to the exit. He's probably mad. 

No matter how sweet tempered he was to her, she couldn't blame him if he wanted to put an end to things once she stood him up. She then supposed how long he waited for her, out in the cold, whilst people swirled around him in pairs or groups. He probably decided it would be the end of their relationship then and there - she was sure that there was a dormant text in her phone left unread, detailing it all.

Yet for some reason, she was more apologetic than heartbroken, to say the least.

And just like she predicted, he was nowhere near where he usually waited for her in the mornings, like a bare spot in a place that once filled her with steady warmth - the kind that made her smile, that made things tolerable. It was only then she realized the gravity of the situation. She did not just lose a boyfriend – but she lost a friend, too.

Each step forward came with a new realization. What would she tell her friends? Did Joowon complain to his own? Would half the school know of how badly he'd been treated, if it came to it

God, she didn't want anyone else to know of this business. It was awful enough already. 

“That's it,” she mumbled to herself. “I am never doing this again. I–”

Jaehee stopped in her tracks. Because before her was the very boy she had been mulling over for the past few minutes. He stood there in his winter uniform, the cold breeze biting against his ears. His hair had gotten longer, now brushed back to not cover his eyes. He seemed to be waiting for someone, and it had been confirmed when his eyes met hers. 

She approached him, thinking of what to say. Usually, she'd come equipped with a script when it came to heavy confrontations, but ever since that night, she had been drained of all her emergency procedures. 

That God awful night. She was lucky that she didn't get kicked out of the house then and there, into a boarding school or even worse, foster care. She was lucky her uncle, as woeful and timid as he was, had stepped in to soften the blow. 

“She's been sneaking out with a boyfriend! After all we've done for her. I will not have this slut messing about under my roof!” Her aunt had yanked at her hair, and if she knew if she would give even the slightest reaction, a slap would find its way across her face. She had done this once before, when Jaehee forgot to put away her clothes. 

“Darling, calm down,” Jaehee remembered her uncle urging his wife. “It's almost midnight. The neighbors might complain.” 

“To hell if they do!” She had turned, waving her fingers at Jaehee with such viciousness it would seem like she was using it as a wand to turn her into a frog, or something. The thought almost made her laugh. 

“You listen here, you brat. You will not see that boy ever again, or you'll be out the door by spring time. My goodness, could you imagine if she stepped out? People would talk! Imagine what they would think of us–”

“It was a very bad thing to do, Jaehee,” her uncle pressed, glaring tiredly at her. The whole time her feet were practically glued to the floor, her hands pressed into fists. This was how she dealt with things in this house – she would be silent. She would be good. 

“But it's too late for this. How about we finish this conversation in the morning?”

“She's just like your sister,” her aunt added plainly. “Doesn't listen to anyone but herself. I reckon the man she's meeting is also an old–”

Abruptly, Jaehee had turned her heel, slamming the door to her room behind her. 

“Jaehee,” Joowon had called, snapping her out of her thoughts. She felt very sheepish to be standing here in front of him, while other students rowed past them on the path, the shape of their school building shadowing over them. 

“Good morning, Joowon,” she replied, her tone still and polite. 

Side by side, they eventually walked together. She could feel him glancing at her several times, opening his mouth as if to speak. But he never did. 

And neither did she. 

“Did you two split up over break?” Ahyoung, the ever resilient addresser of the elephant in the room asked as soon as the two of them entered the classroom. Her cousin wasn’t in class, and Joowon had made it a routine to stop by and talk to her friends, but the thought of someone connected to her relative hearing made her swallow hard. She flinched, then steadied herself. It would’ve been best if the both of them just talked this out in private, but the question had shoved itself right in front of them. There was no other choice. She just had to lay down the blow now.

But… she didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t deserve that. Not after all he’d done from her: for buying her drinks at the study hall, always waiting for her every morning, for being patient and kind and perfect. He was much too good to her, for her. 

However, she remembered what she had told him that day, in front of his family’s bakery. I will not risk seeming rebellious in front of my aunt and uncle. Even for you. 

And it was true. She was really a coward, after all. Especially now. And it hurt herself to see how much she failed to see through to what she wanted, all those months ago. 

Slowly, she drew a breath, opened her mouth, forming her lips to utter a “Yes” –

“We decided we would be better off as friends,” Joowon cut in, right before her voice found its way to her throat. His tone was still light, cheery and calm. No sarcasm or any lilt of anger or pettiness. It was plain and simple, just like something he would do. 

“Wha-at!?” Ahyoung gasped, almost an exaggeration. Yujin had merely expressed herself with the rise of an eyebrow, the reaction of someone who was shocked, but not surprised. Jaehee rolled her eyes, but it still felt like she had been struck by lightning. First came the tightness of the blow, the electrifying jolt that shook through her fingertips. But then came the calm, the relief that he had said it before her, like the after effects of a numbing drug. 

“Yes, well…” Jaehee paused, shrugging. “It was just too difficult to maintain a relationship… considering my situation and all.”

Yujin noticed her expression, shaking her head sullenly. “That damn family. Can’t they let you breathe?”

Jaehee didn’t know how to respond. Well, technically, she did – No, they can’t, because that house is a matriarchy and said matriarch has made it her life mission to make my own miserable. But, of course, she couldn’t say that out loud. Instead, she offered her friend a sad smile, one that she knew Joowon could see. 

“Well, I better head off to class,” he said, after a moment. He waved to the two girls, then to Jaehee – he gave her a look that only she understood. Then all of a sudden it was only the two of them in the classroom, the voices and excited chatter around them blurred and melting away by this mutual understanding that stilled the longer they held the other’s gaze.

I’m sorry, Jaehee seemed to say. I’m sorry for everything.

I know, his smile would indicate. You don’t need to apologise. I understand. 

A student shoved past him, startling the two back into reality. Swiftly, he turned his back to her, she sat at her desk, and that was that. 

“This career plan form is killing me, you guys,” Ahyoung huffed, the crumpled up paper suffocating under her grip. “Why do they ask us what we want to be now? Seriously – I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for dinner, much less what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.” 

“It’s not asking that,” Yujin sighed, taking a bite from the open bag of chips on the desk (Joowon bought it from the vending machine, along with some other snacks). “It’s more like… what do you think you want to do at the moment. I’m sure these forms won’t matter when we’re in our thirties.” 

“So I could just think of something right now, and it wouldn’t matter in the end?” Ahyoung scoffed. “I could just write that I want to be a world class chef, or something.”

“Yeah, but then everyone’s going to know you as that one person who wanted to be a chef,” Joowon added, chuckling to himself as he gobbled down some chips. He had bought Jaehee’s iced coffee, which she was sipping on next to him. He was often around when her cousin and his group, a trail of gossips, weren't in class. “Then in, like, twenty years, they’re going to see you as something else entirely and think, dang, she didn’t end up fulfilling her dreams.” 

“I’d be surprised if people would still remember by then,” Ahyoung sniffed. “But then, I am pretty popular.” 

The group shortly erupted into laughter, Ahyoung excluded. She rolled her eyes and looked down at the paper.

The career path form. Jaehee debated about what she would put there, but she knew what it would be along the lines  – something stable, something that paid a lot. Like a businesswoman, or even a politician’s secretary. Or a politician itself. She laughed at the thought of her relatives seeing her on the TV. 

But she knew what she wanted in the end. She wanted to earn enough money to live independently, and with her marks and status as the top student in their grade, it was all possible and close enough for her to reach. 

“What are you going to write, Jaehee?” Yujin asked, as if hearing her thoughts. “What university did you say you were going to?”

“Probably something fancy, like Seoul national university,” Ahyoung sighed weakly. “Top students have it so easy. You’re so perfect for a place like Seoul. I don’t even think I could get past Incheon.” 

“Well, we wouldn’t know until we do the exam and get our results,” Jaehee replied, laughing humbly. “You might get the same marks as mine.”

“Thanks for the comfort, Jaehee, but even with the cram school I go to, my grades barely reach 70. I’d be glad to at least pass.” 

Yujin slapped her hand on Ahyoung’s shoulder, as if to comfort her. “The sentiment is shared.”

Joowon placed his on her other shoulder, exaggerating a blow of defeat. “Me too.” 

Jaehee glanced at the three of them. For a moment, merely a split second, she felt alienated from this cast of friends. They were giving up so easily, when her entire life seemed to depend on how good her marks were. Whether she would get accepted into university, peel herself off of her home life, to cause no more trouble for her relatives. Her friends’ goals seemed to scramble off into the distance, aimless – the end goal was merely their own happiness, their freedom.

She assumed that her route would also help her achieve that, in her own way. 

“I think I might pursue Business,” Jaehee acknowledged, pressing the tin can to her lips thoughtfully. “And also some other courses as minors. Such as marketing and the like.”

“Doesn’t Y university give good classes on that?” Yujin noted. Yujin, though still the type to leave it up to fate when it came to her future, was still competitive. She had a plan, just like Jaehee did. She was the type to do whatever she could, but give in if it didn’t work out in the end. “They made us read a pamphlet on it on career day. It’s a top university, too.”

“Yes,” Jaehee nodded. “That’s where I plan to go.” 

“Really…” Joowon hummed. “That’s so far from here, though. I don’t even plan to go to university out of town.”

“You’re going to the local college?” This was Ahyoung.

Joowon folded his arms, leaning back on his chair. “Yeah. I’m just going to take over the family bakery anyways, so what’s the point in doing anything different?” There was a pause.

“Well, it’s not like I hate the idea of it. I like baking. It’s part of the family tradition. And I love our bakery. I wouldn’t give it up for the world.”

“That’s…surprisingly simple,” Jaehee had commented. She did not expect this from Joowon, as free spirited as he was. She assumed he’d want to study abroad, consume various different cultures all at once. Then he’d come back to Korea speaking a whole new language, with dozens of new friends made. That’s just the type of person he was.

“Yeah, well, I’m pretty simple,” Joowon shrugged. “It might not be much compared to wanting to work at a big company, or studying at a prestigious university, but…”

He smiled. “Well, it’s good enough for me.”

Jaehee still thinks about what he said that day, the way he looked as he spoke. He was sure about himself, and what he wanted. And she remembered how envious she felt of him, but never quite realised it. 

Months of studying vigorously, heaving over the mock tests. She even had to stop taking her judo classes for some time because of how much she needed to go over. Everything had started to blur together in the final months of Jaehee’s high school life. Before she knew it, the date of the dreaded CSATs arrived. Everything she had worked for in the past few years had added up to this. What she would do in that hall for the next few days would define how she would survive in this world.

She sat down at her desk, her hair tied into a ponytail. Her fingers brushed against a stray lock that escaped onto her forehead. Her other hand clenched against the pen she was holding, her breath steady and her heart burning with an even ferocity that could burst at any moment. 

Mom, she said to herself, the moment the paper reached her desk. I hope you’re watching.

“Holy shit!” Ahyoung exclaimed, along with Yujin and Ahyoung joyously. They were visiting her at her part time job, shortly after they graduated. They had finally found a loop in the system so that they could meet out of school. “You actually got accepted for a scholarship?”

“Yes,” Jaehee chuckled. “It’s a full ride one. I suppose my grades were in fact impressive.”

“Oh, stop showing off,” Yujin huffed, but the smile on her face showed otherwise. 

Truth be told, she was on cloud nine after she received the letter. It felt like all the incoming troubles that came from college – whether her aunt and uncle could afford such an expensive university, whether she could survive there financially, or whether she was even good enough to study there. But now there was a sparkle in her eye, a skip in her step. Much to the dismay of her aunt. 

Joowon nudged her with his arm, a small grin on his lips. It reminded her of the way he smiled the day they first met – it suddenly made her nostalgic to all the days gone by. But it was all the days that would come that seemed to thrill her – now, at 19 years old, with the whole world ready to take her on. 

She almost no longer cared what her family would say, and she didn’t know if that was the excitement in her bones that made her say that or the genuine eclipse of independence that seemed to dawn upon her. I’m always thankful, but – to hell with them.

“We’re so proud of you, Jaehee-ah,” Joowon whispered. “I always knew you were capable.”

“I know,” she replied, the small hint of a smirk simmering on her lips. “I always knew I was capable, too.” 

Chapter Text

Jaehee was twenty-one when she had a boyfriend for the second time.

When she was twenty-one, she also had her third, fourth… Well, they weren’t all exactly boyfriends. 

But what was a boyfriend, anyway, if someone you occasionally went on one-on-one outings with? Someone that liked you?

That was a question that remained ever prominent the longer she stayed at university. In her first year, she decided to shrug off the entire premise of romance as a whole – she was goal oriented, knee deep into her studies. 

She never left her dorm, or the library; it was already difficult for someone as introverted as her to create friendships in such an open, newly refreshed setting, with only her roommate, a vivacious yet far too eccentric Theatre major named Park Binah as her closest companion. And by extension, she was often surrounded by her roommates' friends, thus extending their conversation onto her. She was a good listener, and honest in her opinions; so they gradually adopted her into their group.

Eventually, by her second year, she had made a few friends of her own. First was the girl that sat next to her during lectures – Kim Eunji. She was bright, pretty and popular in her own right, with bleached blonde hair that glowed under the sun, slender hands with the kind of smile that made you dizzy. She was the kind of girl that befriended anyone she deemed approachable enough. 

At first, Jaehee assumed she befriended her due to her growing status as the one who had reaped the most credits in the first semester, as well as the one with the highest scores – the greatest example of an honor student. But after observing how Eunji liked to talk to anyone within her general vicinity, it became clear that it was merely her natural personality that let her feel inclined to talk to her.

Second, though he was more of an academic rival turned acquaintance than a friend, was Soohyuk. He was the one who had the grades to match against Jaehee’s amidst the entirety of the Business department  – and she noticed how often they butted heads when it came to test scores or earning credits.

At some point he approached her, before class started – they only shared one lecture with each other during the week – all cowering and sharp, with long dark hair that grew to touch his chin. His expression reeked of coldness, as if you could tell exactly what he majored in the moment you got a good look at him. 

“You’re Kang Jaehee, correct?” he asked, his face plain, his tone civil. People shared glances, passed whispers – she assumed he was infamous within their crowd. She suddenly felt lucky to be given this much attention by those deemed worthy of the public’s social graces. 

“Yes.” She was wearing a gray sweater that day, with a zipper at the neck. Her hands reached over to fiddle at the sleeves as she attempted to match his iciness. “And you’re Choi Soohyuk.”

“Indeed.” 

There was a rather awkward pause, Jaehee unsure if she should be saying something more to this conversation as he simply stood there. Eventually, he spoke, his hand outstretched to hers.

“I have an understanding that you and I have identical scores from the last semester’s exam,” Soohyuk acknowledged. “It is nice to know that someone here actually values the education they’re receiving. I hope we can get acquainted with one another.”

His overly formal way of speaking, the way he seemed so out of place – like he was in his own world, people merely gawking at the sight of him; these were all things Jaehee noticed the first time they talked to each other. She raised an eyebrow at this oddity. 

He's challenging me, isn't he?

Funnily enough, it somehow reminded her of how Joowon approached her, back in high school. 

She took his hand then, shook it lightly and cordially, as if they were both conducting serious business. He released their hands, then, and took his leave. 

After that, they mostly saw each other in passing – their conversations stayed purely within academic context, their relationship half rivalry, half comradery. They helped each other with their citations and research, recommended articles and books, glossed over questions whenever possible. He felt like her perfect equal in that sense, and she didn’t mind it in the slightest. 

For all these people that surrounded her, all so social and colorful in their individual settings, Jaehee certainly started to feel envious of the lives these other college kids were living. Her initial burning flame of ambition had started to flicker ever so slightly the more she began to notice how lively campus was when class was over, or how many parties and concerts took place over the weekend, all invitations of which she usually declined. Binah – her roommate – and Co. were the types of people that drank until they dropped, with Jaehee dragging her roommate by the ankles onto her bed after more than one occasion. 

Jaehee, on the other hand, let herself indulge in alcohol whenever she could at that age, like a true Korean in their twenties. But it wasn’t for her – she was a lightweight in every sense, and at some point her drunkenness garnered her unable to even remember her own name. So after a few attempts to drink at home while Binah was out, she finally decided to give up on the drinks for good. If anything, caffeine was her version of soju. 

It was one such night where she had a few sips of  instant coffee, her hands rattling up against her desk. She was studying, a usual routine that lasted up until her energy ran low. She didn’t really like the taste of instant coffee – she much preferred ones that were naturally brewed, or poured into a coffee maker – but she didn’t have much choice in the matter. She had to revise the rounds of paragraphs in her textbook, half an essay to complete and two group projects to lead in her other classes. All due next week. 

Her mind was far too busy to notice Binah pouring into their room, giggly and excited. She had a performance coming up next week – and while rehearsals were hectic, as they usually were, she still found energy to be jumpy and giddy as she yanked open her clothing drawers.

“Jaehee, do you know who Kim Hana is?” she asked, running her fingers through her dresses. It took a few seconds for Jaehee to register the question. 

“Kim Hana, as in the English major you kissed last week?”

“No, that’s Chung Hana. Kim Hana’s in Marine Biology.”

“Ah.” That’s why Jaehee had never heard of her.

“Don’t you know who she is? She’s loaded as fuck. Parents are government officials, actors… or whatever. She’s holding a party at her penthouse apartment, not far off campus. And apparently she’s close with Kim Eunji, that girl from your class that you talk to a lot.” Binah’s suggestive tone said it all. 

“Eunji has a lot of friends. I’m not acquainted with all of them.” She tapped the side of her head with the back of her pen in rhythmic motions. In order to enunciate a corporation’s value… 

“Yeah, but doesn’t that mean you’re invited by default?” Jaehee could hear the cogs in Binah’s head beginning to turn. She knew where this was going – this wasn’t the first time Binah wanted to drag her along to a party. She asked her the question every weekend.

“I can’t go. I have two group projects coming up–”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” Binah tied her hair up into a ponytail, slipping two bright colored hair clips onto either side of her wavy brown hair. “Just saying. You might meet someone tonight. I might, too. I’m feelin’ lucky!”

“You say that every time you go to a party.”

“I won’t stop until it happens, Miss Kang,” She then began singing a few lines from a Girls Generation song ( “Here comes trouble, ey oh..”) as she then turned to put on her makeup. Jaehee had already become used to this routine, her focus already shifting back to what she was doing. There had been at least a few more thumps and clatter of jewelry before the ever-present chime of “I’m out!” and the slamming of the door. 

Silence soon followed. One, then two minutes of it. Jaehee finished up her essay in under twenty more. The people she had those group projects with weren’t responding – presumably at that party, or some other event that took place during the weekend. Jaehee sighed, leaning back onto her chair. She turned to stare at the full length mirror Binah had placed by their door during the second semester of their first year; she couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for herself.

Her long brown hair, almost touching her waist, had coiled into disarray. She forgot to tie it up, and everything about her face seemed fatigued. Dark circles shadowed her under eyes, her cheeks red as if threatening to grow new zits at any moment, and her attire – an oversized shirt with the university logo on it, matched with pink pajama bottoms with sheep dancing around the cotton fabric – made her look like she was someone that didn’t know what the hell a rave was. Or even a drop of tequila. 

“Well,” she mumbled to herself, turning back to her desk as she stretched out her arms. “I haven’t had time to go hiking lately. A few hours in the sunshine tomorrow will do the trick.”

So stop feeling so bad about yourself, she concluded, rubbing her eyes. You’ll get enough of that fun once you actually get a good job. 

Eventually, she grabbed a novel that she was in the middle of reading, sifting through the pages. It took a few more minutes before she finally stood up from her seat, grabbing her wallet, wearing her shoes.

The night was particularly warm. She could hear the distant thump of a bass hum through her chest as the clatter of voices poured in through the air. Her footsteps against the pavement, her hands in the pockets of her pajamas – she would do good by not making herself known, blending within the crowd, as she always did. But it was the first time she went outdoors on a Friday evening: vehicles seemed to clog up the streets, and as she crossed, people on her side were dressed in things that glittered and glowed. 

It was unusual, from someone who came from a small town – or simply someone who barely went out at this hour if not for school-related reasons or work. But she mostly took up campus jobs, at the library or in the mailroom. Never somewhere out here. 

She finally reached the convenience store, the chime of the bell followed by the low mumble of the cashier’s greeting. Suddenly washed over with a wave of cold air, she let herself relax by this cool silence, guiding her feet to turn into the cold drinks area. 

But when her hands reached out for a can of iced coffee, the usual brand that she usually got at vending machines, she noticed the glowing green rows of soju far off into the corner of the refrigerated shelves. 

The glass seemed to glint against the white light protruding from below, its contents seemingly taunting her. There was no one in this aisle except for her.

Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have just one drink. 

She grabbed two bottles, wrapping it around her fingertips – the grapefruit flavored one, as she couldn’t stand the pure taste of soju – but as she was about to swerve into the cashier, she crashed into someone’s elbow, knocking the both of them back.

The girl turned her head, and almost immediately, Jaehee felt a sense of alarm cower over her.

“Oh, Jaehee!”

“Hello, Eunji,” she smiled politely, hiding the bottle against her back. She felt the coldness of it bite at her skin, through the fabric of her clothing. 

Eunji looked stunning. She wore mascara which highlighted the shade of her almond eyes, with her lips colored a deep, fashionable red. Her outfit had been some sort of white dress with a tousled hem that went up to her knees, and long black boots covering up that expanse of skin. She smelt strongly of some kind of flowery perfume and hints of flavored soju like the kind Jaehee was just about to buy, and so were the three other people circling around behind her friend.

“What a coincidence!” Eunji grinned, before motioning to the rest of her group. 

“We were all just about to go to a party. I’m sure you’ve heard of it – you know my friend, Kim Hana?”

Two were tall lanky men, wearing colorful button-ups tucked into pants far too tight for them. One of them wore thickly framed glasses, the other an eyebrow slit with a mohawk taller than his own head. The third was another girl – short and chubby, wearing a bedazzled blouse matched with a skirt that complimented her figure. They looked like they were going off to perform at a music festival, compared to Jaehee, who’s own fashion consisted of the ‘barely crawled out of my dorm’ look. 

“Yes,” Jaehee replied, suddenly feeling even more self conscious. “Binah…my roommate… she told me about it.”

“Well, aren’t you going?” Eunji inquired, as if she didn’t notice Jaehee’s attire.

She shook her head, before persisting the same smile she kept at the beginning of this conversation. 

“Aw, that’s a shame!” her friend pouted, and in typical Eunji fashion, she seemed truly genuine about it. “I was really looking forward to seeing you there. But, if you want, you can tag along with us? We took Mina’s SUV, you know.” She assumed Mina was the other girl in their group.

A pause. “I’d love to, really – but I don’t think I’m really dressed for –”

“Ah, don’t worry about that. We can stop by the dormitories, if you wanna. We gotta be quiet though. You know how it is. Can’t we, Mina?”

Slowly, as if merely simmering herself into this conversation, Mina allowed herself to speak. “Um, sorry, but your name is…?”

“Jaehee Kang,” Eunji finished, before Jaehee could even reply. She wrapped her hand around Jaehee’s elbow comfortably, as if they were close enough to touch each other like this without warning. For some reason, the softness of her skin made Jaehee feel hot at the cheeks, as if she was still outside. 

“Haven’t you heard of her? She’s the one with the highest grades in all of the Business department. Well, right next to Choi Soohyuk.”

“Soohyuk’s contender,” one of the guys – the one with the glasses – spoke knowingly, as if she was a household name within their group. “I’ve seen you around on campus before. Don’t you work at the library?”

“Um…yes.” Jaehee’s fingers tingled from the iciness of the glass wrapped around her palms, the precipitation catching against her skin. “It’s nice to meet you…?”

“Ah, right – I’m Lee Daesung. This–” he motioned to the guy with the mohawk, who offered Jaehee a polite yet curt nod – “this guy’s Woogi.” 

After lightly bowing at the both of them, Jaehee could feel herself sinking into the tiled floor, folding in on herself. There was something about the way that all their eyes were on her except for Eunji, judging her accordingly despite her not being her best self, that made her feel so uneasy.

She needed to drink. Now.

But then, as if Eunji herself had noticed, she squeezed Jaehee’s arm gently. “Don’t worry about it if you don’t wanna go,” she chuckled in a low voice as the others resumed conversation. “We’re not forcing you, or anything like that. I just think it’d be fun if you came along, you know? I’ve never seen you dance before!” 

Jaehee’s gaze flitted to her friend’s – and something in her melted, but it wasn’t the coldness of the soju. It was like she was falling over for the way Eunji spoke to her so tenderly, like a genuine friend that considered her happiness first above all others. This had been something that rarely happened to her; it made her stomach crumble, trying to bite down a smile after something so minor, so subtle.  

It almost made her want to hear even more of it as the night went on.

Finally, she allowed her lips to break loose from the reigns she’d been keeping them in. Her face softened, though only just enough to make it known to the others. 

“Sure,” Jaehee chuckled, shrugging as she visibly saw her friend brighten. Her hands, still holding the bottles of soju, fell to her sides. “I don’t see why not.”

As soon as they entered the penthouse apartment, a chill trembled against Jaehee's bare skin. 

Multicolored lights flashed across the corners of her eyes, music racketing against the walls as people gathered into choruses of shouts or cheers or both. It was in every essence a party – Jaehee's very first ever since she came to college, perhaps her first in general . 

The more she mixed through the crowds, strong soured scents of alcohol and perfume clouded her senses, dizzying her composure as she ducked and grooved through shoulders and skin. This apartment was huge, windows expanding up to the tall ceilings to reveal the endless metropolis of lights beyond the bubble that Seoulites lived in. Jaehee's breath faded softly, just before she felt Eunji loop her arm around her own.

“You look stunning,” Eunji teased, in that particular way girls compliment each other in tones too sugary and sweet for one's liking. “Like. Actually gorgeous. I don't know how many times I've said that.”

A tinge of red flushed through Jaehee's cheeks – she needed to stop blushing – as she shrugged it off. “Oh, it's nothing. It's just a dress.”

It was a dress Jaehee borrowed from Binah the moment she heard that she was coming to the party. Emerald green with a thin strap hugging the shoulders, falling only up to her mid-thigh as she moved. She took at least five minutes debating whether she should actually wear this, if this was too raunchy for her to dive into, but Mina had started honking outside the dormitory.

The dress fit her perfectly, but it was definitely rather cold, her skin prickling at any minor touches Eunji kept giving her.

“Come, I'll introduce you to some people,” Eunji whisper-shouted in her ear. “Oh, yeah – also! I need to ask you something.”

“What is it?” Jaehee yelled through the music.

“I'll tell you later. For the suspense,” Eunji winked, before her the heels of her boots stepped back, towards a standing group of people. 

“Guys, meet Jaehee!”

And just like that, an hour had gone by of Jaehee witnessing new faces, memorizing new names, to the point where it made her even more dizzy. Because of this, she had finally managed to get a bit of alcohol in her system, and it allowed her to loosen her nerves a bit. 

But the more she was encouraged to drink, the less conscious she was becoming. It wasn't long until she slurred her words, all giggly and hiccuping after every sentence. When Jaehee was drunk, she was the complete opposite of who she was when sober. A little reckless, much more confident in social situations, and infinitely louder. 

Binah and Jaehee eventually found each other, pulling each other into the dance floor. The music grew more bold and deafening, living and growing in her lungs. Sorry, Sorry by Super Junior blasted against the speakers – and though Jaehee only heard the song once or twice on the radio, she was screaming along to it amongst the crowd as she let the lights take over her, letting herself loose in front of all these strangers. 

It was a strange thing, this feeling. Perhaps it had been the alcohol or the aura that clouded her vision; but she loved the essence of not caring what anyone else was doing , prioritizing her own. The only person she could see and recognize was Binah, cackling as she watched Jaehee clumsily dance along to the music, missing the beat more than once (she really never gave this song a proper listen). In that moment, she wanted to drown herself in this memory, keep it within a bottle of perfume so she could wear it in her thoughts.

Perhaps it had been one of the few times she felt truly liberated. 

However, that time has crumbled along when an unfamiliar warmth crept up against her, showing her nostrils with the scent of a powerful cologne that made her want to sneeze. She felt the fabric of a linen button up with her hands, until she felt skin – sweaty from the dance floor, pricking at her fingertips – and when she looked up, she could catch the face of someone she had never seen before, a man.

Or had she?

He was saying something, his mouth pressed into a small grin. Jaehee couldn't hear him – a PSY song started to play next – and got up on her toes to edge her ears next to him. 

“Huh…what?” Jaehee seemed to mumble lazily. “What did you say?”

“I said I think you're hot,” the guy laughed into her ear, suddenly pressing up against her. “We should find some place quiet, yeah?”

His hand wandered across her back, landing on some place downward. Jaehee felt a bit of pressure banging against her chest.

“Quiet?” she repeated, chuckling as if he had said the most hilarious thing in the world. “Yes…okay. I like quiet.”

“Good,” he seemed to say, or at least something like it. He grabbed her by the wrist and was beginning to yank her across the crowd.

“ Hey,” she heard someone else say. Binah?

“Jaehee, do you know this guy?”

“Yeah, she does,” he answered for her instead. “Sorry, we have some place to be, so–”

“Not really?” Jaehee raised an eyebrow, stumbling in her step as she swayed to and fro. “Haha, you look like every other man I've seen tonight, so I don't…I don't really know.”

Binah, or whoever, stepped in between them. She took her free hand, clasping it into her fingers. That didn't feel like something her roommate would do.

“Let's go,” she had said, half urgently yet half playfully. “I still need to ask you my question, Jaehee.”

“Question? What que–”

“Can't you see we're busy here, Eunji?” the guy suddenly barked. His grip against Jaehee's wrist tightened, almost starting to annoy her.

“She said she wanted to come with me. So let us be and– fuck!”

Half of the people within their surroundings seemed to stop. Binah – or Eunji? – gasped as the guy fell to the floor after Jaehee yanked him towards her with the strength he used to clasp her arm, lifting her leg, then kicking him behind the knee until he fell on his back in a resonant thud. 

Finally, he had let go of her. 

“That was much too tight, sir,” she drunkenly grumbled, winding her wrist around as the crowd fell into whispers. Her voice was high, like she was talking to a child. “ Never do that to a woman. You know what– what they'd call you? A certified perver –”

“Okay, Jaehee, let's get some fresh air,” her friend mumbled, gently guiding her by the shoulders out of the dance floor. It felt like she was seeping through a deep maze of limbs and fabric and heavy voices that washed over her smoothly – until finally, she saw the clearing, a glass door that led to the terrace.

The rush of warm night air flooded over her heated skin. It was slightly more windy up here, and much more quiet. The only people that were out here were smokers, cigarette smoke tufting up into the wind…and couples passionately making out. 

“Christ,” her friend, which Jaehee now realized was definitely Eunji, sighed. “I didn't know you could do that, girl.”

Jaehee laughed, a real, genuine laugh, letting herself closer to the railing. From this height, everything seemed to matter less and less. The endless curves and pathways stretched across the cities packed with people, the bubbles of light floated into the air; they were all filled with lives Jaehee could never touch with her own fingertips. 

“Wow-wee. It looks like an alien planet,” Jaehee sighed, still feeling the bitterness of the alcohol burning into her throat. “Strange trees with even stranger buildings. Every single lifeform is different from what I'm used to…” 

“Are you talking about college?” Eunji chuckled, moving next to her. “Or Seoul? Or this party?”

“Hmm,” Jaehee pondered, tilting her head. “I'm not sure. Maybe all of them? That’s funny – we’re all aliens.”

“God, you’re definitely wasted. But – I feel you on that one.” Eunji had a bottle of vodka in her hand, which she was drinking straight out of. “I still feel weird, living this life. College, I mean. I can't believe I've made it this far! It's so weird! I thought I would be stuck as the little nerd at the back of the class for the rest of my life…oh, no offense Jaehee.”

“None taken. But...hm, you have so many friends .” She was unsure of how else to word it. If she were being honest, she was still stuck in a daze that dancing had placed her in. 

“Friends is a strong term I'd use for, like, seventy percent of the people I talk to. Plus – I don't know why I'm saying this – it takes a while to get to know that many people. It takes effort. ”

“But you make it look so…I don’t know, effortless.” Jaehee absorbed her friend in this light, devoured by the flushed colors down below. She was a mix of red, blue and yellow, settling against the night.  

Eunji giggled, rushes of gold humming through her lips. She took another swig from the bottle, offering it to Jaehee. Clumsily, she accepted it, taking in the taste of vodka against her tongue – she couldn’t stand it. But at this moment, just like the view below them – it was meaningless to her. 

Moments of them looking out into the distance flew past, the silence comfortable from all the noise. Jaehee ran a hand through her hair, scooping it up into her right shoulder. She couldn’t think properly. She still had things to do for class – but what, she couldn’t remember anymore – and she had used a judo move when she wasn’t supposed to. She was drunk out  of her mind, sharing a bottle of vodka with a girl who kept smiling and touching her over and over again, so much so that it was driving her crazy.

Maybe it’s because she’s so… pretty, Jaehee thought to herself, blinking at Eunji. I can see why she’s so popular. Guys would love a girl like her.

“Really?” Eunji smirked, until she realized she had spoken aloud. Jaehee shook her head, laughing once more, her friend eventually joining in again. Through the laughter, Eunji started to speak.

“I’m glad you think I’m hot. I think you are too– oh, which reminds me!” Eunji finally lowered the bottle against their feet, turning to face her. “What I wanted to ask you earlier!”

For some reason, the unspoken promise of a question seemed to unnerve her, even through the bleariness of the alcohol. She swallowed, then, looking down at her expectantly (Eunji was slightly shorter than her). 

What could the question be? Was it related to school again? That was the topic of most questions directed towards her. Or she could be asking her to hang out somewhere again, this time with those people in the car. They seemed to at least tolerate her company to the point where they were genuinely intrigued with her existence. Or it could be something entirely unrelated – like what product she uses for her hair.

All these thoughts swam at the back of her mind, but one possibility shocked her, made her recoil with the idea of it. 

“Are you interested in going on a blind date?”

There it was, directly out of Eunji’s lips. It hung in the air like a fog that wouldn’t subside. 

Blind dating was a normal occurrence for their age – outside of being in parties like this, setting up blind dates was the second most popular way of obtaining an ounce of romance within this social environment. She had grown accustomed to Binah rushing to get ready for at least three of them in the middle of the day, or rushing at night. But when Jaehee thought about it, the idea of meeting a stranger under a romantic premise made her uneasy. Right from the get go, they would judge you – compare your minor traits to their own, size you up to see if you were good enough to bite into, like looking into a menu. Like a job interview but with less tenderizing aspects. This was at least what she summed up from her roommates' descriptions of her own affairs. 

If the opportunity arose, Jaehee decided, she would decline. She preferred meeting men in a natural way – it was how she met Joowon, after all. And even if they didn’t work out in the end, who’s to say there won’t be one guy to sweep her off her feet in the future?

“Ah…I’m sorry. No, I’m not–”

“Oh, would you, Jaehee, please?” Eunji suddenly clasped her hands, the alcohol finally starting to shine through her eyes. “It technically isn’t even a blind date. You met Daesung in the car on the way here – he’s the glasses guy. He asked me to hit you guys up, if I could. He thought you were cute! Plus, I really owe him.”

Jaehee awkwardly smiled, laughing again. “But that doesn’t involve me!”

“I know it doesn’t! I’m really sorry, but I promised I would make it work. That’s why I wanted to pull you aside for this. But – he’s not a bad guy, I promise. You could tell, didn’t you?” Eunji placed her hands on Jaehee’s arm again, as if to plead with her. “And you said you wanted a chance at making an effort to meet more people! This is it!”

“I never said that,” Jaehee mumbled, but she was already getting convinced by the way her friend seemed to look at her. If she wasn’t careful, Eunji might start doing aegyo. She’s seen her do it once or twice sober, so there’s no telling that she wouldn’t do it drunk.

And for some reason, Jaehee would melt like putty in her hands whenever she did it. 

“Ple-ease? I promise you he’s perfectly decent. He’s polite and dependable. I think he’s great for you, personally. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just assume it was his fault, and I’ll make sure you’ll never see him again. I swear!” 

“You’re making an awful good case for yourself,” Jaehee beamed, starting to feel dizzy again. “Those courses on marketing are really working out for you.” 

“Shut up! Just – please tell me you’ll do it. Hm? Hmmm ?” She pouted her lips, leaning towards her as she swayed. 

Aegyo. Jaehee’s greatest weakness when it came to her. “Okay, okay, fine. But if I end up despising him–”

“Oh my god, thank you!” Eunji cheered, dancing in one spot as soon as she released herself from Jaehee. “I love you, Jaehee! I’ll leave the details of the date upto you, okay? God, I’m saved! I’m fucking winning!”

And before Jaehee realized what was happening, Eunji raised her heel, and kissed her – right on the lips.

“You got a fucking what?” Binah cackled the following morning. 

Jaehee had no memory of what time she woke up. All she could remember were shooting pains up her temples, her throat dry with contempt. Everything had been too much – the blaring brightness of the morning sun, the sound of her mattress’ springs, or the way Binah’s voice grated into her the moment she stepped out of their shared bathroom, recounting what she could remember of the night prior. 

Binah was ecstatic. This had been Jaehee’s first party since she joined university – and for some reason, she had gotten a triple combo of things that usually happened.

“The only thing left is for you to get yourself a one night stand,” she heard her roommate joke, which she blatantly ignored.

“Eunji set you up with someone, huh,” Binah hummed, offering a few pills to Jaehee on her open palm. She grabbed them, chugging them with a mug of instant coffee that she had just made themselves. “I should’ve known she was good at stuff like that. She must probably know a ton of cute people.” 

Their dorm had a decent enough space; it was roomy enough to fit both of them into one room, two beds pressed against either side of the wall. Once you entered their dorm, you were immediately met with a second door on the left beyond the foyer – that was the bathroom. For some reason, it was semi-connected to the bathroom of the girls in the next room, as there was a small rectangular window close to the ceiling where you could sometimes see faint silhouettes of whatever business they were doing on the other side. And likewise. 

Jaehee didn’t really have much on her side of the room. She had a small shelf for all her novels, her textbooks in drawers. Her desk was the most decorated piece of furniture she owned – notes were scattered the walls in all the colors of the rainbow, some encouraging herself, others reminders. And Binah’s side had definitely been the more lively one, reflective of her own personality: she was the one who dominated their closet space, her clothes bursting from each crevice of storage she kept. She never really bothered cleaning up: it was all binders of scripts old and new, notes jotted lazily down across notebooks, and endless clutter scattered over and under her bed. 

For some reason, this direct difference seemed to be even more obvious to Jaehee that morning. She had the sudden urge to nag at Binah, to clean up – but she bit it down, for fear she might come off as some kind of mother figure. Like an old man yelling up at the clouds.

“Damn, Jaehee,” Binah scoffed sarcastically, pressing the mug to her lips. “Don’t worry, I’ll clean my shit up. So stop glaring at me like that.”

“I wasn’t glaring,” Jaehee apologized, half embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m just – I keep thinking about that blind date.”

“You regretting it?” 

“God, yes,” Jaehee laughed, rubbing her temples. “I despise the idea of blind dates. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to agree to it.”

“It’s not really a blind date though, isn’t it? You met him, like, just yesterday too.” Binah shrugged nonchalantly. 

“I know. And he seemed okay. It’s just – I’d prefer it if we befriended one another first, instead of jumping directly into a date.” 

“My poor, innocent Jaehee,” Binah cooed, almost making the other girl roll her eyes. “Who’s saying you guys are going to date right away? Dude, that’s the whole point of meeting up. You’re just getting to know each other first, it’s to decide whether to take one of two paths. Friends or dating. Just think of it as hanging out until then.”

“What if I want one thing, and he wants the other? It’ll be so unbelievably awkward.” 

“I just don't see why you're so worked up over this,” Binah sighed. “Maybe it's just me – but you're going to have to start going on dates sooner or later. If there's any better time to get into a relationship, it's now.”

Jaehee's forehead seemed to have numbed from the ache. She took a large gulp of the coffee, almost burning her tongue to the point where it made her flinch. She had to drop by her judo classes in a few hours across campus – they had a club here, much to Jaehee's advantage. She was even once considered for a competition as soon as she got her black belt last year, but she shrugged it off. Going professional in judo wasn't really in her agenda; she just enjoyed the sport and the strength it gave her – and she needed to make sure this entire hangover was long gone by then.

But the main problem was this stupid date. When she went on her phone, she could see that his number was now in her contacts. She didn't remember how it made it in there – was it Daesung himself? Eunji? – but she knew it meant either she had to text him first, or he would. 

She pressed the button to create a new message. Running a hand through her hair, she culminated a few words that would take the edge off:

Hello, Daesung. This is Jaehee Kang. I believe Eunji gave me your number the previous night. 

I apologize, but I would like to cancel the blind date. I just don’t believe such a thing is for me. I hope we can still –

Her phone vibrated, startling her for a moment. She put down her mug of coffee on her desk and checked the new message that settled in her inbox. When she saw the unknown number, her heart bobbed up to her throat, as if the very thing that had been making her nervous was growing louder and more relentless. 

Hey, Jaehee! Thanks for giving me your number last night ^^ 

I was hoping the date could be this weekend? I’ll leave it up to you to plan where we’re going. Just give me the details and I’ll pay if needed – really excited!

Daesung

“Goddamn it,” Jaehee cursed under her breath. She slapped her phone shut, tossing it onto her bed. “He beat me to it.”

“What? Your date canceled on you?”

“No. Quite the opposite. He seems adamant about going.”

“God, I wish I had your problem right now,” Binah groaned, before ducking into the bathroom. 

“He said I can set the location. He wants it to be this weekend. I don’t have enough time to prepare. I must cancel…” Jaehee trailed off. Her eyes shifted back to her phone on her bed. For a moment then, she felt like she was stuck in between two worlds – one where she went on this date and possibly gained a boyfriend, someone who can change the course of her experience here in uni. In another, she canceled, and she would spend every weekend night stuck studying in her room, consumed by silence as the whole world around her danced and celebrated their freedom. 

Jaehee had no idea which one she wanted. And it was almost infuriating on how she stood her ground in almost every decision she made in life – but the moment it came to relationships, it had been as if an earthquake shook her to her core. 

She felt nothing for him. She didn’t even find him attractive – or at least as she remembered him. But things could change.

That’s how love was, according to the dramas and novels she loved reading. It always changes. It adapts. 

All she needed was to suck it up and take the first step. 

“Okay, fine,” she grumbled, grabbing her phone again. As if on cue, Binah poked her head out the bathroom door, a smirk curling up her lips.

“Fine, what?”

“I’ll do it. I’ll go on a date. I don’t want to disappoint Eunji.” Not when she was one of her only friends in this place. 

“Well that was quick. I thought it would at least take you an entire day to convince.”

“Yes, well, I’m quite tired of being single,” Jaehee admitted blandly. “I suppose I should try to go out there. Even if it means going on stupid blind dates.”

“Technically not a blind date,” Binah reminded, rubbing her face with a towel. 

“Yes, I know.”

Jaehee opened her phone again, choosing the option to reply to Daesung’s message. 

“But I need to give him a location. I’d suggest a cafe, but I’d like to do something else first to take the awkwardness out of the equation.”

“Oh! Shit, I know,” Binah cut in, tossing the towel onto her bed as she sat herself next to Jaehee. “You wanna go watch a musical with him? I scored some tickets to this show called Tei’s Tea Leaf on Sunday. I was supposed to go with Jeongha, but we were going to cancel because of last minute rehearsals. You know how it is.”

“A musical?” Jaehee repeated, blinking up at her. She didn’t have anything against musicals, but she much preferred watching plays up on stage. It also felt like something a guy would be against, especially on the first date. 

“Yeah. It’s actually pretty popular these days. Maybe that date of yours heard of it if he’s not one of those hyper masculine types.” She nudged Jaehee on the elbow. The edges of her hair were still damp, and she smelt like lemons and mint air freshener, like the one Jaehee usually sprayed in the bathroom. 

“Come on. Message him and let me know. I’ll give you the tickets if you’re both game.”

It took a moment for Jaehee to think about it again, re-evaluating the decision she had just made. The last time she did something impulsive like this, it didn't go well. The relationship turned sour and ended that way too, even if Jaehee and Joowon remained friends. Could she risk making such a mistake again?

She typed in her message, slowly scanning each sentence she punched in until she was completely satisfied. 

Hello, Daesung. Thank you for reaching out to me.

Are you interested in musicals? I can suggest we watch Tei's Tea Leaf on Friday and catch coffee after if you're interested. I already have tickets, so if you'd like, you can just pay for the coffee.

Jaehee 

Her thumb hovering over the enter button, she bit her lip. This didn't feel like her. Nothing about this did.

But maybe that was a good thing. 

Finally, she pressed send. 

Friday came. Jaehee was standing by the front of the theater at 5PM, when the sun was already beginning to set. The sky slowly slumped into darkness and warmed the small of her neck as her eyes roamed around the thickening crowd, searching for the man she remembered was Daesung. Tall, thick glasses, a mop of curly black hair that covered his forehead. His face was round yet his cheekbones were pronounced in an odd, out of place way. That's all she could recall. 

For the date, she decided to put together a rather simple yet neat outfit. She had her high waisted corduroy pants that she usually wore when she had a presentation at school – then a button up shirt that clipped at the sleeves. Jaehee managed to get herself in these heels that made her look taller – she wasn't going to do a lot of walking, anyway – and her makeup was done by Binah herself.

It was uncomfortable, to say the least. She kept fidgeting with the handle of her bag sling around her shoulder, glancing at her watch and then at the glowing neon sign that advertised the theater's name. Was this the correct one? 

She grabbed her phone from her bag, eyeing the last message she had sent him. They didn’t really say anything after they both agreed on a location and time, but it didn’t hurt to double check. The show was going to start in about twenty minutes, after all.

As she stood amongst the crowd, she couldn’t help but feel silly. She had never watched a musical before outside of supporting Binah – the first time she watched her roommate perform, she was starstruck. Like something moved in her. But she supposed that was for how different she was up on stage; another person masquerading with Binah’s face. And the songs were lovely, too, inflicting themselves against her lungs like a distant wildfire that she could sense, but never touch. 

The world of acting and theater was something that felt opposite to what she was as a person. All rigid and logical and needing to fit in just enough to survive – her main mode of survival. 

But this world was the complete opposite of that. 

“Jaehee!” She heard a voice call, snapping her out of her thoughts. 

She turned her head to catch Daesung’s a few meters away, closing the gap within every passing second. He looked decent, at least to her standards – he had a lovely head of hair, if that was worth anything. And he dressed himself well for the occasion. His smile was polite and easy, his wave obligatory. It felt awkward to consider these things assets to examine as the night would proceed, but Jaehee saw that it was necessary considering the purpose of their meeting. 

“Good evening,” Jaehee greeted, her smile curt. The two bowed slightly at each other – “Sorry I came in a little late, the traffic was horrible!” – before a bout of thick silence consumed the two of them. 

“Let’s go in,” she finally said, shuffling her hand into her bag. “I have the tickets here. Have you… have you heard of this show before?”

Daesung chuckled, the both of them beginning to edge into the line of the ticket booth. “Yeah! I saw it once before with my younger sister – she loves musicals. But I don’t think I really paid attention, haha.”

“Oh, I see.”

“That isn’t to say I won’t pay attention this time around!” Daesung held his hands up in defense. “The songs were pretty good. The plot’s kind of confusing though. It’s about this college girl who loves dolls, and they all suddenly come to life…or something.” 

“That sounds like a very vague synopsis,” Jaehee laughed. Daesung reciprocated. 

“Well, it’s definitely been a while. You should be glad I at least remember the basics of it.” 

The rest of their conversation had been like this. Laughing politely, innocent banter. They hadn’t really asked each other anything personal – she supposed that would be for after the show. She did manage to learn that he had a little sister, but that was about it.

Once they claimed their seats, they squeezed themselves into them within the middle of the rows of chairs. The theater was quiet despite the amount of people, their voices hushed into a low murmur as the dim light crisped her surroundings. She placed her bag on her lap, brushing away a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“You have really nice hair,” Daesung commented, almost startling her. “I think that’s the first thing I noticed about you.” 

“Ah…” Jaehee trailed off, nodding at him. “Thank…you. I could say the same about you, actually.” 

“We’re a couple with really nice hair, then,” he smiled. 

A couple? She gulped, raising an eyebrow. He noticed this, and laughed it off. 

“I’m just kidding. But you never know – oh, the show’s starting soon.” 

The announcement to shut off all phones reverberated through the walls. Then, after a moment, the lights slid off into darkness, the curtains on the stage rising. The entire audience turned to silence. 

Minutes of the musical carried on. Eri, played by a girl with short brown hair, had a fascination for dolls, but she had to hide it from everyone else. Her grandfather dies, and as she’s filled with grief, her little dolls eventually come to life – in the form of fully grown human beings. 

Even though she’d never admit it, Jaehee was pretty intrigued by the way the performances were playing out. It was different from the shows she watched Binah in – for some reason, it was more heavy, more professional. 

But the main thing that made it different…

One of the dolls – Lance, was that his name? – stepped out into the limelight for the first time in his human form. He had a youthful face, but something about the way he presented himself made Jaehee’s fingers fill with an electrifying pulse. 

His long snow-white hair; it flowed down past his broad shoulders like a smooth curved river. His eyes were an incomprehensible shade of ruby, his eyelashes matching his hair like they were crystallized into ice. The man was tall, his build heavy yet thin, meeting perfectly in the middle. He looked like a prince – no, he was one. 

And for what almost seemed to be the first time in Jaehee’s life, she felt her heart shift in its place, wonderfully displaced with what felt like a scorching high searing through her chest. 

Is this what love feels like? 

Chapter Text

By the end of the play, Jaehee had been riveted by some sort of resolve. Her heart was shifting up to her chest with this newfound daze of euphoria, simmering up to her cheeks. She was smiling like a beast, to the point that it made Daesung notice. 

“How did you like the show?” Jaehee had asked, when they were walking together, side by side on the busy pavement. The theater district was always busy at this time, so they had to be a little loud when speaking to one another. Her shoulder pressed against his – his coat was warm, making her slightly recoil backwards. 

“It was as I remembered it,” Daesung chuckled, his hands in his pockets. “But with a different cast. Now that my memory’s been refreshed, I think I can form a proper opinion on it this time.”

“Which is?”

“I didn’t like it as much,” he laughed, in this half-embarrassed, shameless way. Jaehee reciprocated, though hers was weaker, and much more forced. “It was… a little too cheesy for me. Definitely more for kids, which was probably why I brought my little sister to watch it with.” 

And just like that, she was once again isolated from the rest of the world, as if stuck inside a mason jar for that split second. It was the feeling of not being understood and all its countless little aches.

Because for her, for the two hours she spent seated at that little chair in the theater, it was the first time she saw herself so engrossed in something that wasn’t so far from her reach. They were there, before her eyes. All shiny and beautiful, their voices still ringing in her ears, the tune of each chorus humming in her veins. She had almost fallen in love, in the very general term of the word. 

“What about you?”

Jaehee glanced up at him, her fingers itching at the pockets of her pants. She could feel herself receding back into the corners of her heart with every second that she spent staring into his expectant gaze. It was something so simple, so subtle, yet for some reason, she couldn’t simply ignore it. So she smiled a short grin, shrugging her shoulders as they turned a corner, wrapping both her hands around the strap of her bag. 

“It was just alright, I suppose.” 

“Lance’s actor?” Binah asked, her back turned to Jaehee as she struggled with her crochet kit. Her fingers fiddled with the edge of the hook, the singular string of thread dangling off to the side. Jaehee stretched her legs on the floor, craning her neck back onto the foot of her bed. She had been very subtle about her new discovery with Binah, but accidentally ended up asking if she knew anything about this mysterious new face that slipped into her life. 

“He’s relatively new, I think. He isn’t even in any acting school, just does workshops. Nineteen or eighteen years old? I just remember he’s a little younger than us. He’s pretty good, but it’s not like the industry is running dry on tenors.” 

“Do you know what his name is?” Jaehee asked, butting in. He was two years younger than her – the idea struck her with a sense of envy. That young, and already fulfilling a life completely different from hers. Past the boundaries and qualifications of a successful future. 

“His name is Zen. There’s no way that’s his real name though, but for a guy that young, you never know.” 

Zen. Even his name was mystical. She repeated it in her head like it was a foreign delicacy landing on her tongue, something strange and exciting. The more she thought about him, the more she felt herself light on her feet. A small smile ran up her lips, which Binah noticed when she turned around to get more yarn. 

“Wait.” Binah pointed her needle at her. “Are you asking because you think he’s cute?” 

He’s more than just cute, Jaehee wanted to say. He’s beautiful.

When she didn’t reply, and instead grinned, Binah let out the loudest cackle known to man. Even Jaehee was startled, jumping back from the intensity of it. 

“Binah!”

“Oh my God, you have a crush on a boy!” Binah barked, dropping her things to slap Jaehee on the shoulder. “You see something new everyday. Although, you should’ve opted for someone more attainable. Zen’s on his way to infinite stardom at this rate.”

“God, Binah, I don’t want to date him,” Jaehee groaned, shoving her off. “He’s two years our junior! Plus, I don’t think I like him that way.”

“Then what other way is there? You wanna make out with him, don’t you? Or have him hold your hand, or some virgin shit like that.”

Jaehee felt a chill up her spine from imagining it, scrunching up her face. “You’re so gross. I don’t even know him.”

Binah snorted. “You don’t need to know a guy to imagine yourself eating his face. Believe me, I feel that every time I see Soohyuk on campus.”

Jaehee had to take a moment to fully absorb what her friend had just said. “Wait, Soohyuk? ”

“What, are you blind? Soohyuk isn’t called the ice prince for no reason. Don’t tell me you haven’t at least found him attractive.”

“We’re talking about too many guys at once. I don’t even know what to think of him, either.  We barely talk.” 

There was a short pause, Jaehee’s eyes roamed to the other side of her wall. She was waiting for the question to drop, about that night – the curiosity that Binah was an expert at. But it didn’t. She figured she knew that she shouldn’t, or that the answer itself was obvious. 

“Things between me and Daesung didn’t work out, you know,” Jaehee sighed. She wanted to say more, perhaps the whys and hows – but even she couldn’t think of what to say. Instead, there was only confusion, embarrassment, maybe even a bit of guilt. Daesung didn’t even do anything wrong, but at the same time, it felt like he had done nothing right.

"Yeah, I figured," Binah said, unwavering. She didn't even look up from her crochet kit. "Bet he was super turned off when you started getting all hot and bothered over Zen."

"Oh my God, shut up."

In the novels Jaehee always read in her sparingly little free time, the heroines always described the moment they fell in love as something electrical; a deep instinct that lurched into their bones. That feeling was almost a natural necessity in order to charge into a relationship – it was something that was required in order for the chain link of reactions to work. Love, affection, marriage, children, and ecetera. The very idea of it was so deeply ingrained into these stringed pages, from the fluffy, flowery words to the heavy, tear-jerker proclamations. And Jaehee could imagine it in her head; that potential, that yearning to feel the way these fictional girls did. One day, she knew it would happen to her.

However, she was already twenty-one. Not once had she ever felt that way towards a man – Joowon was a close call. She could even cite him as something of her first love, if that’s how the title worked. But… he wasn’t what she expected. Neither was Daesung. And it seemed to make her bite at her insides, make her wonder what the hell she wanted, what the hell she would have to do to light that spark in the first place. 

But the moment she saw Zen up on that stage, she felt something in her shift. The gears in her brain whirring, her heart thumping deep within her chest. When she saw him at that distance, he almost sparkled. Even now, in her memories, he was perfect. 

And that was the closest thing to romantic love she had ever felt. Even if it wasn’t, in its entirety. No way. Jaehee brought her knees up to her chest; Binah was still going at her crochet kit. I can’t imagine myself dating someone like Zen.

But do I enjoy the idea of it, in the first place?

She pictured herself in the place of those girls in her books, her dramas. At the earliest of autumn, the orange shaded leaves swimming through the air. A tree-lined street, a perfect hue of honey and cider. She would be wearing some kind of coat, her hands deep within her pockets. On the other side – there was Zen, or what she remembered of him. She figured he’d be taller than her, more broad shouldered. His long, snow-white hair flowing perfectly down his shoulders, his smile peering down for her, and her alone. 

He looks so hot in that coat, she probably would think. Zen in a turtleneck and beige coat… no, focus, Jaehee. 

He’d wave at her to come closer, his hands outstretched. Then she’d quicken her pace until they were at a considerable distance away from each other. It felt like a cut and paste of various imagined scenes throughout her life coagulated together, but it didn’t matter to her anymore. She needed to know if the thrill was there, the flicker of desire, somehow, someway –

She pictured his breath against her skin. His hands grazed against hers. The feeling of being known by him, and knowing him in its entirety. Living a life with him, or at least someone like him. Half sexy, sure, but also half sick – in the end, it felt like jamming together pieces of a puzzle that didn’t fit. She figured in her imagination, she was almost there to figure out her feelings…

( But. There was always a but.)

“Don’t you have a shift at the library in half an hour?” Binah asked, cutting off her train of thought. Jaehee slowly looked up at Binah, realizing how long she had just been sitting there. Fantasizing about God knows what.

Stupid Jaehee , she grumbled to herself, standing up. You’re always way into your thoughts. Maybe that’s why you ruin things for yourself so often. Like with this date, and why you’re so incapable of being content with romance, whilst always being so desperate for one. 

She got dressed, grabbed her coat. Glancing at herself in the mirror, she started combing through her hair. And once again, she thought of her mother. It had been a habit she would never be able to forget.

My mother would tell me that I should focus. That right now, I only need to think about my future. All this stuff about love and dating should come later. But she isn’t here to tell me that. No one is. 

Her fingers in her hair, the sensation of skin. The heavy, welcoming hand that cupped against her scalp. Jaehee, hoping Binah wouldn’t see, closed her eyes for a brief moment. 

I only have myself. So you can’t waste time on things as temporary as this. You simply can’t. 

She opened her eyes again, glancing at them through her reflection. She salvaged a breath – hard and deep, sinking into her lungs – then turned away. 

“I’m off,” Jaehee said, closing the door behind her. She didn’t wait for Binah’s response.

At night, Jaehee’s hands fidgeted under her sleeves. Her thoughts seemed to spiral at the seams; there were her assignments, the endless flow of things to do and things already done. But there was this sensation that she couldn’t shake off; the bareness of her skin despite being fully clothed, like the ghost of someone honing over her body. 

Was it her mother? No, that gaping hole was always there. Jaehee was used to feeling her gaze in the air, the echo of her warm voice that faded away in time. This was different – in the silence of the evening, with Binah’s gentle snores and the cold darkness that left a shiver up Jaehee’s spine, she had suddenly become aware of the state she found herself in.

Jaehee was never one to self-pity. She never had time for it, and knew lingering onto those hopeless emotions for too long was practically useless. It can’t be helped , was always her motto when things didn’t go her way. Depending too much on the unpredictable world and its whims were, in her opinion, stupid. She was often more self reliant and preferred it that way.

But now it seemed to take flight, unable to be resisted under her power. Earlier, it had been easier when her mind was on something else, but the very thought of it was difficult to entirely erase. Even at work, she eyed the devious couples studying together at the tables, a boy brushing a lock of hair behind a girl’s ear until they erupted into a fit of giggles. A brief flash to Joowon squirmed itself into her mind; back to them sitting together on a bench during their breaks at the study hall, the wind and the endless strings of time whirling past their shoulders – and for the first time, she found herself thinking I had it so good back then, didn’t I?

Now, in the privacy of her dorm, she ran her hands up to her shoulders, the pads of her fingertips to her skin, slowly tracing circles around the fabric of her shirt, then under it. She was hugging herself in the dark, imagining it was someone else – but hadn’t the slightest clue who would fit the bill. She held herself tight in her arms, and only then did her mouth form the words she had been too scared to say aloud.

“I am lonely in a way that hurts,” she whispered to the ceiling. Her breath steady yet hollow, the proclamation was a weight that settled into her ribs, unable to shake off. 

“...What would you have done, mom?” 

She searched for a memory that didn’t seem to exist, clawing hard for it. When her mother was alive, they never talked much about love, or anything close to what it meant to be lonely the way Jaehee was now. Even back then, Jaehee was especially uninterested in crushes and boys. But she recalled once, how she used to ask about her father – rumours were vicious, and so were children in middle school. For some reason, they liked to etch the fault of the parent onto the child, like Jaehee was a product of some monstrosity.

“How did you meet dad?” Her younger self asked. There it is, a morsel of something that’s important. Her and her mother slept in the same bed at night, a thick blanket draped over her shoulders. Back then, she was more restless, unable to stifle down any kind of curiosity. Somewhat of a split personality to who she was now. 

Her mother smiled that sweet, iridescent smile, a thin line pressed against the folds of her cheeks. Jaehee inherited most of her features from her mother – except for her smile. Her mother always said that came from her father. 

“At a pharmacy,” she said, under her breath. “It was in the morning that I had a terrible hangover. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, at your age, but I don’t want to sugarcoat anything regarding your father.”

Jaehee arched her head, supporting it with her arm to look up at her mother. She was always so brilliant at recounting memories, telling stories that Jaehee could only imagine being a part of. 

“Anyway, I stumbled into the pharmacy looking for some hangover pills. The night before, I had gone drinking with some coworkers. But it turns out I forgot my wallet.”

“Did he buy them for you?” 

“Well, technically, no. He was the pharmacist, and I told him that I’d come back to pay him. I had to go to work and couldn’t afford to walk in with a raging headache, you know? And your father, as kind as he was, let me go.” 

Jaehee pictured it then, a memory within a memory. Her mother – slightly older than she was now, probably – with her hair in disarray, pounding into the pharmacy. Her father, always kindly from the way the pictures showed him, smiling hesitantly at her. Sparks lit themselves on fire while her mother thanked him, knowing that this wouldn’t be the last time they would meet each other. 

“Ever since then,” she remembered her humming under her breath, “He was everywhere when I least expected it. I took the bus to work, and I’d see him on his shift. We were in the same neighborhood, so sometimes, I saw him at the grocery store too. I invited him to dinner as a way for me to pay him back. And the rest is history.” 

Jaehee laughed, laying herself back on the pillow. “Gross. He was in love with you from the start.”

Her mother reciprocated, drawing the blanket higher up her daughter’s shoulders. Though Jaehee couldn’t see, she sensed the hint of warm sadness brewing within her mother’s voice.

“I guess now we’ll never know,” she remembered her saying, so quiet Jaehee couldn’t catch it. 

Back in the climax of the night, Jaehee tried to ruminate on what her parents had that morning they first met. The quickness of everything that happened, action connected to another action, until finally they were brought together by whatever warranted it – be it fate, coincidence, or whatever. What did they feel then, what caused it? 

And could Jaehee replicate it, at least one day?

All these thoughts swirled and weighed on her mind that evening until finally, she felt the first gentle wave of slumber wash over her. Eventually, she fell asleep, figuring that at least one day, she could have it without wanting it so badly. 

Eunji sat next to Jaehee at their lecture the following morning. They hadn’t seen each other since the party, and frankly, the blurred memory of what happened that night was something Jaehee would rather forget. Whenever she thought of her friend, she could still recall the bittersweet taste of her lips when she pulled her into a kiss – it was brisk, merely a quick peck, but for some reason, she kept reliving it over and over in her head. 

Perhaps it’s because it was her first; something she thought would have more importance, to be shared with a boyfriend she truly loved – there it is again, that stupid word – but for some reason, she was half-glad it was with someone she cared about and trusted, like Eunji. Now she knew what it felt like to be kissed, and for the singular, fraction of a moment – Jaehee gained the impulse to want to kiss her back and again. 

If I were a man, Jaehee thought to herself as Eunji asked her for a pen, I would’ve gone crazy over her. 

“How was Daesung?” She heard Eunji ask, snapping her out of her senses. Jaehee picked apart the careful tone Eunji was using – almost nonchalant from the way she didn’t look at her, merely glancing through her notes in front of her. Jaehee laughed.

“I’m sure he’s probably told you by now. It went alright. We grabbed coffee after the show, and I suppose he was perfectly decent.”

“But…”

Jaehee brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “But, I don’t know. I didn’t feel much besides that. I’m sorry, Eunji. He seemed lovely, though.”

“Not lovely enough to capture the heart of Jaehee Kang, though.” Eunji had the soft look of a smile on her, a tuned down version of the usual person she was. 

She snorted. “Don’t be so crass.”

“It’s okay, though! I didn’t set you guys up thinking you’d get into a relationship or anything – but I’m glad you thought he was nice. He thought the same about you.”

Jaehee raised an eyebrow. Only now was she aware that Daesung had probably formed an opinion on her from that evening, too. “Really?”

“Yeah – now, if you ever see him again, don’t tell him I said this, but…” Eunji looked around to see if anyone was listening, before leaning herself closer to Jaehee, the edges of their shoulders touching. Jaehee’s breath hitched. 

“You’re way out of his league,” she whispered, a tinge of mischief laced around her voice. “He thinks so, too. That’s why he’s decided to give up on you.”

Jaehee, finding this strange, raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re too good for him, is all I’m saying – but you know how men are.” No I don’t. “They get a little too intimidated by you, they back off. They find a girl less threatening to them. It’s all the same, even for someone seemingly nice like Daesung.” 

“Wow, that’s…” Jaehee paused, shaking her head. Something about that statement felt like a backhanded compliment, something she shouldn’t feel flattered by. “I… don’t really know what to say to that, but since I suppose I didn’t really want anything further from him…”

Eunji giggled a bit, slapping her gently on the pads of her shoulders. “It’s not your fault. It’s theirs, you know. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t men out there without some kind of inbuilt male pride in them. You just, well, have to dig in really deep for them.”

“Says a lot about them as a whole, don’t you think,” Jaehee joked.

“Exactly,” Eunji chuckled. “I’ve yet to find one of those, too. Or maybe I’ve just been surrounding myself with the wrong kinds of boys.”

“Your experiences are valid, though. Don’t worry about that.” Jaehee didn’t really talk to many boys besides curt conversations and suffocating small talk, so she didn’t know what it was like to replicate a close relationship with them to understand what kind of people they were. But, of course, there was the ever kind Joowon back in highschool – and she always considered him an exception. 

“If you think so, I will, too. Now – speaking of which.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re setting me up on another blind date again.”

“Ah, you got me there,” Eunji sighed, feigning a wounded expression. “I’m such a materialistic, predictable friend, aren’t I?”

“If you keep trying to get me with your friends,” Jaehee said lightly, “You might be.”

“No, but this time, it’s really a blind date. I don’t know them. I figured you might deserve one after putting you on something like that. If it helps, I have to go to one too. Suffer together.”

“It doesn’t sound very promising once you mention that I have to suffer with you,” Jaehee mused. The professor was probably running late at this point. It wasn’t the first time, so Jaehee wasn’t particularly worried – however, she needed the credits, so it was rather inconvenient. Especially if this conversation with Eunji was going to end with another uncomfortable experience, like it did with Daesung. 

However, once more, the thought and promise of her wanting to try something new blurred in her mind. She recalled how she felt the night previously, the immense surge of longing that erupted in her chest out of seemingly nowhere. Something that went against all the odds of her brain, what she thought she wanted, but what her emotions gave otherwise. Try, try, try again – that was her motto with each roadbump she came across, and every time she persevered. Who’s to say it wouldn’t be the same for her relationships?

“No, well, who knows,” Eunji said suggestively. “It might end up really well. And if not, at least you’ll never see him again, unlike with Daesung. I made sure they hit us up with people at another university.” 

“I suppose we’re at that age for it,” Jaehee sighed, shuffling her fingers through the pages of her notes. I know I said I would focus on my studies, but… 

“Alright. I’ll have another go at it. Even if you know how much blind dates disdain me.”

“It’s better I do it than your mom having to rope you up after university, I promise,” Eunji replied lightly, laughing shortly afterwards. “One of my friends already has her mom hogging her up with these older stuffy businessmen. Balding, even.” She let out a shudder.

Jaehee laughed politely, trying to ignore the silent ache that seared into her chest. She was used to this already – and it stifled as quickly as it came. She was lucky none of her friends in university knew of her situation back home; and she preferred to keep it that way, while she could. Her plans for her time here were very much direct. 

And in the meantime, she would entertain her friends, and herself, by throwing herself into the ring once more. 

Finally, the professor arrived – it was an older man, gray hairs and a silent air about him. Jaehee had to really listen to make sense of the words that left his mouth, but work was still work, at the end of the day. And because of it, she could finally focus. 

Her second blind date was in a completely different setting than the first. Even now, when Jaehee thinks about it, she can pinpoint the moment the entirety of her life changed from that second date. Back then, she was always promising herself things, then immediately giving in the moment after - and this was definitely one of those vital times Jaehee wished that she could've fought against, at least this once.

But anyway. The restaurant was cold, in a way that you could sense the icy touch of refinement the moment you stepped in. Jaehee let a shiver ooze through her shoulders as a waiter came by to take her coat for her – she supposed it would be odd if she kept it on, not suitable enough to fit in with these high-life types.

Jaehee had never really experienced this before. This stuffiness, this feeling of being so ostracized by the people around her. You might think that way when she surrounded herself with Binah’s friends, but at least their differences from her were warm and exciting, and they always made it a point to include her in their theatrics, no pun intended. And in a way, she always envied them for the freedom they weighed on their hands. The blissfulness of pursuing their dreams, of not worrying about whether or not they needed something tangible and stable to survive. 

This was entirely different, though. These people, glossy and shiny from the tables around her, were the type of people she was supposed to aspire to be. Making money, not thinking about where they would get their next meal – simply because food was a given. Sure, Jaehee made enough for herself to keep her afloat, to buy herself nice things, and the scholarship was enough to be grateful for; but something about the way her heels awkwardly clacked against the marble floor or the cool glow of the establishment’s chandeliers glistening over her skin, or even the way she could sense some ladies’ stares glancing on and off her – it all made her feel like shriveling up, back into the shell she was actively trying to break out from. 

Jaehee paused, gathering up a deep breath. Breathe, Jaehee. You can do this. It’s not even a big deal. If you did it once, you can do it again. 

For some reason, she pictured Zen in a place like this, which made her laugh. He would fit perfectly with one of the paintings adorned on the walls. The thought immediately soothed her nerves, allowing her to finally step into the agreed section of the establishment that her and her blind date agreed upon; close to the bar, near the windows. During the evenings, you could clearly catch the flutter of lights from the city, which was a view Jaehee enjoyed whenever she could, especially during her hikes. It briefly reminded her of that night with Eunji – but upon reflex, she shook it out of her system. 

Her eyes examined the tables, searching for the half-solace of a lone man somewhere, also searching for another. Within the section, she caught the eye of someone – a young man who certainly looked like the type to be doing these arrangements. She walked towards him in careful strides, readying herself up for battle. Meeting new people was always awkward, and in this setting, there was an added intensity to it. 

“Doyoung, right?” She said, blinking expectantly down at him. He immediately shot up from his seat, at least a head taller than her. He was broad-shouldered and looked like he went to the gym often – Jaehee could catch the curve of his biceps through the fabric of his button-up shirt, rolled up to his elbows. A well-cropped face, heavy eyes, and a strong disposition – surely, Eunji had leveled up with this one. 

“And you must be Jaehee Kang,” he smiled, unwavering. He offered his hand to her politely, and she returned, shaking it as if they were in some kind of professional setting. Doyoung laughed, in the way people laugh to relieve the tension of a situation. 

“Wow, when my friend hooked me up with another one of these blind dates, I didn’t know what to expect – but you’re seriously gorgeous.”

“Ha,” Jaehee hummed, sitting herself down across him. “Thank you.” She couldn’t find it in herself to try and compliment him back, so she merely persisted the smile on her face. 

“So I heard you’re from Youngwoo University?” She asked, nodding thanks at the waitress that stopped by to give them their menus. Expecting university students to be able to afford this place was an insane request, but she supposed someone with his demeanor could probably spend it comfortably.

“Yep. Though that’s probably nothing up against the ivy leagues,” he chuckled, sarcastically. Or at least she thought it was sarcastic.

“Youngwoo is rather prestigious, as well,” she grinned. “I wouldn’t worry about you not getting a job after graduation.” 

“That definitely wouldn’t be a problem, no. What do you major in?”

“Business. In my second year, as you can presume. And you?”

“Mass communication. On my third. Guess we go hand in hand, huh?” There was a sparkle in his tooth as he grinned out that statement, which made Jaehee try her hardest to bite back an eye roll. 

“I suppose. Erm… Do you have any companies in mind? I can guess you have the big names in your roster, like the Hangjin group, or C&R –” 

“I can dream!” Doyoung sighed. “It doesn’t hurt to be ambitious. It’s almost impossible to get into C&R these days though. The interviewees pile up to hundreds every year. And most of them are graduates, too.”

“I heard. But if you have a good enough resume and stay at the top of your game,” like she has , but of course she wouldn’t say that out loud, “It definitely heightens your chances for a good head start.”

Doyoung shook his head, still smiling. “You sound like my father, but anyways. You got your order already?”

“Ah, yes.” Jaehee closed her menu. She supposed she would simply order the cheapest thing she saw on the menu; which was some kind of chicken salad. She wasn’t really a picky eater, so it didn’t matter if she even chewed on a breadstick in this restaurant. 

After they made their orders – Doyoung picked something off the menu with a name Jaehee couldn’t repeat in her mind – his focus slipped back onto her, pressing his lips into a small line as he searched for something to ask her. Instead, Jaehee went ahead.

“So, do you work? Internships, part time jobs, or the like? Since you’re in your third year, after all.”

“No, not really. I mean, my program puts me on internships, but I don’t think there’s any use for it.”

“Because they don’t pay you? That, I can understand, but–”

“It’s more or less something to do with the fact that they’re not for the companies I want,” he said, stubbornly. “I’m just saying that if I worked this hard to get into Youngwoo, I might as well get better opportunities.” 

Jaehee took a sip of the water that was provided to them. It was cold, and went down her throat clearly. “I suppose. In my opinion, I think one should be grateful for whatever opportunity that presents itself before them. It’s a given that you’d want the best, but patience is always the key, as cheesy as that sounds.”

“But in this climate, waiting is more like wasting your time,” he scoffed. “I know that you have to work towards the best. I definitely have, so don’t I deserve to be given what I worked for?”

Silence soothed over the two, Jaehee absorbing his words. Was he just… expecting that kind of opportunity to fall right into his lap? He definitely was rich, if anything.  “But whatever. It doesn’t matter – my father actually works at a conglomerate group, you know. I’m not allowed to say which one, but with his help, I think I have a good chance of making it in.”

“I suppose so.”

“Enough about me, now,” Doyoung laid himself back on his chair, eyes scanning the people around them. “And enough about work and the future. Jeez, those words already make me annoyed. Why are you going out on blind dates, if you’re so ambitious?” 

“I thank you for assuming that of me, because it’s true.”

“Yeah, I definitely know your type.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jaehee raised an eyebrow. Was he calling her stuck up indirectly?

Doyoung realized this and shook his head, waving his hands. “No, no. Don’t misunderstand. I wasn’t calling you a bitch or anything–” he laughed as he said this “ – but you seem very… on edge. And I can tell that it’s your natural state of being, you know?” 

She shrugged. “I suppose when you’re in college, that can happen.” 

“Yeah, I get that. Now back to the question?”

This was already making her uncomfortable, even though she supposed it was a completely normal query to ask in these situations. She gulped, tapping her fingers on her thigh. 

“My friend put me up to it. And I suppose I needed something to pass the time.” 

“So dating is like a little hobby to you, then? Like crocheting, or… what are you into? Doing math problems?” He, for some reason, found this hilarious. Jaehee’s lips pressed into a thin line – by now, she already knew he was indirectly looking down on her. But she would entertain this, like a game she had to simply navigate through. At least for Eunji’s sake. 

“No,” Jaehee hummed. “I hike. I read. I do judo. It’s wrong to assume something of a person you’ve barely known for an hour.” 

“I was just joking, Jaehee, my apologies” he chuckled sourly. “But that’s very… cool. I don’t know a lot of girls who do judo. Or any martial art outside of taekwondo, actually.”

“You’ve been meeting the wrong kinds of girls, then,” she said, plainly. “Not that there’s anything wrong with girls who don’t do a sport.”

“No, there isn’t.” 

Another wave of awkward silence. Jaehee tried to avoid his gaze, the way it came onto her with a heaviness that she couldn’t shake off. So far? She hated this guy – he was almost a caricature of exactly why she hated the concept of going on blind dates. 

But no, no. She couldn’t back down now. She barely knew him the same way he barely knew her, and there was still more time to rectify her opinion of him in her eyes. First impressions could mean a lot, however…

“What about you, then?” Jaehee asked, when their appetizers came around. “Why are you going on blind dates? I can guess this isn’t your first.”

He ran a hand through his hair for a moment, the clinking of the distant utensils filling up the silence. “I don’t have time to find girls on my own, if I’m being honest with you, Jaehee.”

“Oh, I see.”

“And I know what you might think – how does a guy as well put together, perhaps as attractive as this, not have time to ask out a nice girl? And my answer to that would be… I simply do not like to waste time. I could, of course, find her on my own – you’re not the most well put girl I’ve seen, after all. But where’s the purpose in that if they’re not within my league?” Doyoung sat back on his chair again, clearly having more to say. 

“So that’s why I asked my friends, on the same level as me, to find some decent women I know would interest me. Ivy Leagues, honor students – like I heard you were – but not too headstrong. A nice little someone I can have on my arm every now and then, you know?”

Despite every word processing itself into her head as clear as day, Jaehee could not be even more confused. Her image of him jumbled around into different palettes, until it finally coagulated into one final opinion – he had a gigantic ego. A humongous one. And no amount of getting to know him better could make that die down. 

She couldn’t even hide the look of disdain on her face. And Jaehee, especially at that age, was never the type to sugarcoat facts. 

“In my opinion,” she began, coolly. “I think it’s rather odd for you to say that.”

“How so?”

“Do you simply… expect other people to do all the work for you? While you sit around and allow things to come to you so easily?” Her breaths were steady. When Jaehee was annoyed, her nervousness and all other thoughts seemed to shake away. 

“Now,” Doyoung laughed, “Listen–”

“I think it’s simply a foolish way of living. To evaluate others without a slightest bit of introspection into yourself. I think others would call that having a bit of self awareness , but I digress.” 

“Did you just call me and the way I live stupid?” He was grasping it now, his eyebrows raised in slight alarm.

“You said that yourself, not me.”

“You really are a stuck-up bitch,” Doyoung suddenly seethed through his teeth, chuckling and rubbing his temples. “Yeah, well, I can tell this isn’t going to work out, then.”

“Likewise. I have no interest in being a nice little someone.”

He clicked his tongue – did this guy ever stop fucking smiling? – before suddenly standing up from his seat. 

“What are you doing?” Jaehee asked, her voice low and careful. 

“I told you I’m not the type to waste my time. I know this isn’t going to work, so I’ll be on my way. Damn Jooyeon , I told her to set me up with someone proper this time.”

“You’re – you’re leaving? The food hasn’t even arrived yet.” Jaehee suppressed her temper, swallowing it under her breath. This was still not that kind of establishment to cause a scene – and she would never live herself down for losing composure. 

“You pay, since you’re clearly so much better than me,” Doyoung scoffed, turning around. Jaehee was about to say something else, standing up as well – but he had already taken off, opening his phone to call someone. 

The quiet after was dreadful. She slowly sat herself back down, trying to make sense of what just happened. Of course, she was fuming – the audacity of that guy, we didn’t even last an hour! – but what came shortly after was a shame, matched with confusion. How could she afford both meals? That would be enough to cost her food plan for a whole week!

But then, again, came the shame. Another failed date – another exhausted excuse of an interaction with a man. Was she really too much, too headstrong? What the hell was wrong with wanting to be independent and successful in this day and age? Did that make her more agreeable in the dating market, but only in a way that could make you some man’s accessory? 

Most of all, something in her hated Eunji for forcing her into this again. For kissing her, then throwing her into this confusing mix of understanding what men want and whether or not Jaehee was capable of giving it to them. This world really wasn’t for her, not in the slightest. Not when she had so many things to worry about – money and tests and internships, the future – she felt silly ever trying to keep her mind off of it by seeking out a relationship. 

That feeling that she craved for, surely, could wait. At least she got a bite size glimpse of it, through Zen. Through the magic of theater. At least she now knew what it could feel like, if she properly harvested the feeling. But she couldn’t subsidize a temporary surge of desire from her emotions over something she’s wanted ever since she was fourteen years old, rotting away in her uncle’s house, begging for some kind of release. Surely, she could –

“Jaehee…Kang?” Someone said, as if they weren’t sure it was her.

Snapped out of her daze, her head slowly raised, brushing the hair that fell over her face. She dreaded having to meet someone here that she knew, but the voice itself felt familiar. She just couldn’t pin the source.

However, when she met his eye, she immediately came to terms with it. It was the infamous ice prince, her silent rival slash acquaintance in class. 

And of course, she was meeting him here. Right after a failed blind date. Because at this rate, it felt like the universe was against her. 

“Soohyuk,” Jaehee sighed, trying to bring back normalcy into her voice. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Chapter Text

Jaehee did not know how to handle situations like this. At all. 

Soohyuk sat across from her with a cold-cut look on his face, flat and intimidating. Jaehee supposed she looked that way on the outside, too – and now both of them were expressionless as they waited on their food, like two robots being told to act like human beings.

Soohyuk had apparently seen this all go down. He was here on his own, apparently – which said more about him than anything else. “I overheard your voice,” he continued, plainly. “I thought it was you. Then it turned out to actually be you.”

He then proceeded to sit himself down in what was once Doyoung’s chair. He waved at the waiter – “I’ll be sitting with her.” – and eventually found themselves in this suffocating phase of awkwardness. 

It was true. The two of them had never spoken much prior to this. Jaehee tried to avoid his gaze, and it was apparent he was avoiding hers, too. It took a moment of shuffling feet, of twiddling thumbs, before one of them finally opened their mouth. The privilege landed on Jaehee.

“You’re alone?” She blurted, decidedly unwilling to phrase that as a question. She chastised herself for a moment, but it was Soohyuk’s turn to speak.

“Yes. Well, I had dinner with my father, but he had to leave early,” he explained pointedly, as if it was completely natural. “So now I am alone.”

“I see.” 

Another phase of silence. Then, “You do not strike me as someone who values…relationships,” he admitted. Straight to the point. Despite his cool tone, it was clear it took him a moment to try and gather this sentence out of him. Jaehee scoffed, shaking her head.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she pressed. “Don’t say I’m full of myself. The last man who sat in that seat said the same thing.”

Soohyuk pulled back a tuft of his dark hair, avoiding Jaehee’s stare. “It appears I’ve offended you, somehow,” he said. “That wasn’t my intention. What I meant to imply was the fact that you always seem very goal oriented in class. You’re direct and compact. You see things as they are, and are not afraid to face the facts in front of professors. I thought you would not be the type of person who would actively seek out things like romance or blind dates, similar to me.”

Similar to me, Jaehee repeated to herself. I’ve had enough people trying to say that to me. No one would understand, and I know that now. 

“You seem to say that because you have a false image of me in your head,” Jaehee finally replied. “An assumption based on merely watching me from afar. It’s rude to conclude that I would not want things every other woman would. I’m sorry if I failed to meet your expectations as a competitor.” The last bit was, of course, edging with sarcasm. 

“You’re being defensive,” Soohyuk acknowledged. “I understand. But you did not ‘fail to meet my expectations,’ as you put it. You are also basing an assumption about me and what my intentions are. I was simply proven wrong. And thus, I would like to be corrected.”

He held his hand out. Jaehee regarded him with suspicion, but she supposed he had a point. It was hypocritical of her to assume what he thought of her simply because of her soured mood. 

“In order for us to understand each other,” Soohyuk began, his tone kept utterly professional, “I would like for us to be friends. So that these misunderstandings do not happen again.”

“Are you asking me this because you pity me?”

“Not in the slightest. I could care less about what just happened, nor is it any of my business.” 

Jaehee thought about this for a moment. Though her mood had been utterly bothered by the mishap with her blind date, it was bizarre that Soohyuk had swirled in to offer this prospect of friendship like it was a business proposal. She supposed she would, indeed, take a similar approach if the situation ended up like this. 

But did she want to be friends with Soohyuk, personally? There was a use for it, surely. He was her equal academically, and everyone regarded them as such. Jaehee could use having someone to study with that could match her flow and pace, see eye to eye in places others couldn’t. And she knew nothing about him as a person except for the way he was now – odd yet direct, honest yet shy. 

Jaehee barely had any male friends. Navigating this was strange and difficult, especially without suspicion. It appeared Soohyuk himself noticed this, and he smiled faintly, his lips barely curling up.

He is quite pretty when he smiles.

“I do not have any other intention,” he reassured, “if that’s what you assume.” 

“I was not assuming anything,” Jaehee lied. “I’m just thinking.”

“My arm is quite tired, then,” he joked, his face somehow utterly still. “So I hope you will be able to think slightly faster.”

Jaehee laughed, half a scoff and half a chuckle. Soohyuk reciprocated, both of them shaking their heads. Finally, Jaehee took his hand and shook it curtly. His palm was cold to the touch, surprising her in its iciness. But eventually, they parted, sitting back. 

As if on time, their food was served. Or at least, Jaehee’s and Doyoung’s. She observed the waiter’s gaze, and wondered if they thought of this as weird. 

“And don’t worry about the bill,” he said, as they began to eat. “Think of it as compensation.”

“But you were not at fault for the earlier mishap,” Jaehee pressed, trying to maintain at least a sense of humility. “Do not worry yourself. I can afford it.”

“Not for that, but for making false assumptions about you. I insist. And – excuse me?” Soohyuk called, gesturing for the waiter to return. “A merlot, please. For two.”

“Of course,” the staff member nodded, before disappearing into another corner.

It was then Jaehee realized she no longer cared what the staff thought of her at this moment. At least if it guaranteed her free dinner and wine.

Jaehee, this time, decided not to tell the story to Binah. There was a swathe of shame imprinted on her skin when she walked back home from the night with Soohyuk. Binah was busy with her head in a book when she unlocked the door of their dorm, stepping in with slow steps. She didn’t even raise her head or acknowledge her once she entered.

But why exactly she felt guilty…she didn’t know. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong. She supposed the most she would be embarrassed about was the mishap with Doyoung, and the fact that she had failed in yet another romantic endeavor. Jaehee hated to chastise herself so viciously, and though the initial sparks of anger towards Doyoung had already died down, the remains were none other than the swirling, aching thoughts of humiliation and failure. 

What is wrong with me? She kept asking herself, eyes pointed at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Am I really a perfectionist in every single aspect? Why can’t I lower my standards just to gain a chance at being loved? Why can’t you feel it, at least once? Why– 

And then she thought of Eunji, how she would react. Jaehee recalled being annoyed at her, too, for being half responsible for these awkward situations she continuously kept finding herself in. But now she could only feel guilt, imagining and knowing the way Eunji would just shake this all off with a smile. That was how easy she took these things. Envy thrummed down Jaehee’s lungs the more she thought of it – but she ultimately decided that Eunji’s opinion was the least of her concerns. 

Jaehee pressed a hand to her cheek, warm from the wine. She did not have enough to get drunk – God forbid there be a repeat of that night at the party – but she still felt light on her feet, as if the entire evening had been a dream. Soohyuk had been kind, surprisingly so. Their conversation had started minimally, mostly niceties and questions about this and that, but ended in long, drawn-out dialogues of things that interested them. Politics, business, work. Jaehee wondered if she could bring up her recent fascination for theater in the heat of the moment – but he brought it up himself. 

“I hope you do not have a negative opinion on the arts,” Soohyuk had said, delicately cutting up the steak that was supposed to be Doyoung’s. “Because while I do believe it’s a useless thing to pursue as a career unless you have money, I am not against indulging in things such as literature – the classics, of course – the art scene, or theater. They are things that have outlasted the test of time, a constant. Which could be very useful in generating a profit all the same,” he finished, before taking a bite. 

“You have a very…characteristic approach, towards the subject,” she replied, trying to maintain her composure. A part of her wanted to laugh at his pretentiousness – but she figured it would be rude to do so. At least he’s honest, a voice echoed in her head. You lied to Daesung about how you enjoyed Tei’s Tea Leaf. So, really, do you have any right to judge him?

“I definitely do indulge in the arts,” she managed to say. “Honestly, more for pleasure rather than for knowledge and learning. I read fiction in my free time. Er… romance, mostly, but I enjoy drama and mystery as well. I only recently started going to plays and musicals, but they are also quite fun, if I’m being honest.” 

Soohyuk nodded as she spoke. Finally, he met her eye, his eyes almost a rain cloud grey from the way they gleamed underneath the restaurant’s lighting. 

“You’re very interesting, Kang Jaehee,” he finally muttered, his face cool. “Nothing that I expected.”

“I hope you mean that in a good way,” she chuckled, nervously running her hands across her sleeves. “I am not used to being evaluated on a spontaneous dinner like this.” 

There was a pause. Soohyuk took another bite of his steak, breaking his eye contact with Jaehee – and she remembered the way faint traces of a grin were imprinted on his mouth as he chewed, how still Jaehee felt in that moment. 

“Of course, in a good way, ” he reassured, before smiling humorously at her. And for the first time, it did not seem as if he was mocking her, or thinking that she was someone out of his league. Soohyuk did not seem intimidated, nor did he speak like he was looking down on her. 

“In fact,” the man added, “I believe you and I are much more alike than you think. And no, this is not an assumption–”

“But an observation,” Jaehee continued, sighing tiredly. “I’m aware. But I don’t quite like people who try to get closer to me by drawing out our similarities.”

“Oh, believe me, I am the same.”

“Then what are you doing,” she asked, quizzically raising an eyebrow, “if not saying that you and I are alike?”

“I’m not trying to get actively closer to you,” Soohyuk blinked. “I am simply stating the facts the way I see them. I may be proven wrong, of course, that is always a possibility. But I am not pursuing you– ah, sorry, I phrased that wrong.”

He coughed, shifting in his seat. “I meant to say I do not want to force a close kinship with you if you do not desire it. I simply requested that we get to know each other more on the basis of friendship.”

“Solely caused by the fact that you think we are similar people,” she continued, blankly. “So, in layman's terms, you don't have any ulterior motives. You just want to be friends.” 

“Apologies,” Soohyuk sighed. Was he always this formal?  “I am not used to such settings, I believe my intentions are getting muddled up. People I consider friends usually approach me first.”

People on campus say you befriend almost no one, she wanted to say, but decided against it. Instead she shrugged and ate her pasta.

The rest of the night had maintained that sense of cordiality. When it was time to leave, the two bid their goodbyes at the front of the restaurant. The evening street lights glittered across the street as cars swam by – Soohyuk was waiting for his chauffeur, and Jaehee had a bus to catch. For some reason, she had half expected him to offer to drop her, but he didn’t. And thank god for that , she thought to herself, pacing towards her bus stop. I don’t think I can handle any more talking tonight. 

But in a way, despite the wine and the flushed-out anger and the shame, she was satisfied. At least she had someone to talk to, she reminded herself now, getting ready for bed as she tossed her legs under the sheets. At least she didn’t eat dinner alone.

At least, at least, at least.

Jaehee saw Eunji on Monday, their first class of the week. Eunji’s bleach blonde hair had been tied into a high ponytail, streamlined bangs hiding her eyebrows. She had a small face with delicate eyes, silver eyeshadow highlighting her features. Though Jaehee had already been used to her appearance; the way she resembled the sun, glowing and pretty, she couldn’t help but notice it now, while she took her usual spot next to Jaehee.

“Good morning,” Jaehee greeted, though she half-mouthed it. The lecture hall was mostly silent despite most of the students already being present. She pinned this on the ‘first class of the week’ depression, and this was apparent from the heavy sighs, the shuffle of papers and low muttering. Soohyuk, too, had yet to arrive. And good for that. 

Eunji raised her eyebrows delightfully at Jaehee. “Hi!” she shout-whispered, her mouth pulling into a soft grin. “How was the date?”

Jaehee knew this was coming. In fact, she rehearsed the answer to this question the whole commute to class. “It went alright,” she lied, through her teeth.

“We had dinner and a decent conversation. He’s…a good man,” she added, knowing very well Eunji meant Daesung , not Soohyuk. But Jaehee didn't know what she was saying until the words left her mouth.  “I… Well, I think there's potential, somewhere. I think.”

Eunji's face lit up almost instantaneously. Suppressing a girlish squeal, she rocked herself closer to Jaehee. “Oh my God, Jaehee. I'm so happy that it went well!”

Jaehee laughed awkwardly, drawing a lock of hair behind her ear. She couldn't meet Eunji's eyes. There was a volatility in the way Jaehee was acting now; restrained bursts of anger fixed into the desire for politeness, for a subtle existence. “ Thank you.” 

“You're fucking welcome!” Eunji had exclaimed, almost a little too loud. Their professor had yet to arrive, hence why Jaehee was engaging in conversation, but other students were startled by this and turned to glare at her. 

“Sorry…” Eunji pleaded, before laughing it off. “You have no idea how worried I was for you.”

“Worried?” Jaehee repeated, blinking defeatedly. 

“Oh, don't get me wrong. I know you're, like, more than capable of handling your own shit. The night at the party was awesome, but considering your last experience with Doyoung…” she paused. “I had my doubts. I honestly thought the guy was going to be a dickhead somehow, or you'd be too good for him.” 

Now, this made Jaehee chuckle, because she couldn't be more right , but Eunji didn't have to know that.

“You don't have to worry about me,” Jaehee reassured. “Even if he was a… dickhead, I could have simply moved on with my life. Now… how was your blind date?” 

“Shitty,” her friend groaned, leaning her head on Jaehee's shoulder for comfort. Jaehee flinched as she felt her skin against her neck, heart racing. She supposed she just wasn't used to having someone close to her like this. 

“Which is why I'm so jealous. My date was just so boooring . He had the personality of a loaf of bread.” Eunji sighed, turning herself back to her place. Jaehee glanced at her watch – eight more minutes until the professor was supposed to arrive. Would he be late again, this time around?

“Well, what would you consider… your type, then, Eunji?” Jaehee suddenly found herself asking. “Something that wouldn't classify as having the personality of a loaf of bread.” She said this with a smile. 

Her friend bit her lip, trying to think. Jaehee tapped her pen rapidly against her open notes, trying not to stare at just how pink her mouth was. What lip gloss was she using? 

“Someone cute,” Eunji finally said. “I'm not into the edgy bad boy types, the assholes. I like men who have a good heart, but still have something going for them that separates them from the crowd.”

“My roommate would dub that description as pure boyfriend material ,” Jaehee chuckled lightly, making Eunji laugh in turn. 

“Well, yeah, something like that. I don't have a type per se. I just want someone genuine who can carry a conversation beyond surface level stuff. The guy last night…”

“Failed to?” Jaehee suggested. She nodded.

“Exactly. All he talked about was… his job. Himself. It was really boring.”

Jaehee thought back to the conversation she had with Soohyuk the previous night; they were both business-like, certainly suiting the definition Eunji could define as surface level. But Jaehee liked this… it was comfortable, secure. She could talk about things she knew as they came to her, rather than trying to muster the courage to come out of the shell she kept coming back to. 

Just as she thought their little discussion had ended, Jaehee flipping through her notes, Eunji spoke up.

“What about you, Jaehee?” Eunji asked, a playful eagerness in her eye. “What classifies as the amazing Kang Jaehee's 'type'?” 

She rolled her eyes – she counted on Binah to exaggerate things, but not Eunji. “I wouldn't call myself amazing.”

“You say that because you're so humble! Now 'fess up!”

Jaehee paused, then, drawing herself back. It seemed she backed herself into a corner with this question that she herself didn't know the answer to. Her type? That's easy… physically, it had to be Zen. Someone who surpassed both the boxes of feminine and masculine. Someone beautiful, by all accounts. She even booked tickets for his newest musical just to see him again. 

But emotionally? In the truest sense of romance? She still was caught in the muddle of what she wanted in the world of dating. If anything, she was too stuck trying to grasp at straws for an ounce of affection to formulate to  think of something like that. 

Jaehee figured she could create an answer from something she needed. Honesty didn't need to be her strong suit here, but it was Eunji. She had already lied about one thing, what would another do to a friendship she valued?

“My type is someone reliable,” she finally answered, returning to tap her pen against her notes again. “Someone I can depend on when I need it… supportive and caring, by all accounts. Someone who makes me feel… less alone, I suppose.” 

Jaehee didn't want to meet Eunji's eye as she remained silent. She guessed she had implied too much in that last bit; Someone who makes me feel less alone. She cringed from the realization. 

“Not that I'm lonely, or anything like that,” she added hastily, waving her hands. “Just… you know.”

“I do,” Eunji replied warmly. “You're just like me.”

“I am?” Relief spread across her body from this answer.

“Yeah. You don't have a type either,” she laughed. “In fact, what you want is the bare minimum in a relationship.”

“I–”

The door to the hall swung open promptly. It was on the side of the front, so everyone could see whoever it was that entered. Jaehee stopped to give glance-over, then looked again when she realized who it was.

Soohyuk . 

“If that were the case then,” she heard Eunji saying. “I'm guessing your blind date makes you feel safe. Like… hm… maybe you guys are really similar, so you feel like you can depend on him? I don't know, just a guess.”

Soohyuk was dressed in a black button-up shirt and black slacks. Surely, this all-noir get up would be considered comical by most, but it was an interesting fashion choice. Jaehee couldn't stop staring at him, then looking away when she could feel his eyes on her. His dark hair, which was swept back last night, fell neatly to frame his face, a few stray locks falling against his eyebrows. On campus, he was a tamer version of who he was under the restaurant's clandestine lighting and polished chatter, but just as frightening. 

“Uhuh,” Jaehee mumbled. “I suppose you're right.”

“That's what taking a Psychology course for extra credits can do to you. I– Jaehee?”

Why is Soohyuk heading towards us?

His seat was usually up front, closest to the professor. Being passionate about their classes warranted that kind of attentiveness. But Soohyuk surpassed his usual seat and headed for the aisle directed to where Jaehee and Eunji sat, and a sense of panic rose in her. 

What if he talks about last night? She thought, already drumming her pen against the paper in heavy rhythm. Oh, God. I can't let Eunji or anyone know about this. He's getting closer. Oh my God.

“Good morning, Jaehee,” Soohyuk greeted, cool as ever. His dark eyes flitted to Eunji, who seemed just as surprised as Jaehee was. “Kim Eunji, correct?”

“Ah… yes?”

“Good morning,” he nodded, half bowing, to which Eunji reciprocated awkwardly. Jaehee met his eyes warily. 

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

Eunji regarded Soohyuk, her eyes slowly drifting back to Jaehee expectantly. There were alarm bells ringing in Jaehee’s head – then she paused, assessed the situation. It’s probably not unlikely that he and I are on friendly terms, would it? Everyone always talks about how similar we are and how we regard each other as rivals. If Eunji has anything to say about it, we’ll talk about it eventually.

Then, Jaehee looked up at Soohyuk, smiling lightly. 

“Sure,” she spoke up, motioning to the free seat next to Eunji. “If you don’t mind.”

“No, no, I don’t,” Eunji motioned, picking up her books that she stacked on the seat. “Be my guest.”

Soohyuk put down his binded folder – black, too, almost like a suitcase from the way he held it – and slid himself into the seat. He said nothing else after this, swiftly taking out his things in a staccato rhythm. Jaehee glanced at him from the corner of her eye, Eunji suddenly silent. Just before she could manage to say anything else, to continue their previous conversation, their professor had finally walked in, shuffling into the front desk.

Jaehee sighed. Perfect timing. She just knew she had a lot of explaining to do later on. 

Word about Soohyuk’s new seating swam quickly around their department. Jaehee wanted to laugh – did nobody else have anything better to do than fuss about where someone sat in class? 

And before she knew it, rumors were brewing about the two of them. Some of them even involved Eunji into the mix, since he really sat next to her instead of Jaehee. Jaehee was working her shift at the library when she had been approached by a few watchful eyes and quick whispers brushing over her as she read through the archives at the front desk. 

Working part time at a library wasn’t hard work, especially when it was an on-campus job. She simply had to sort through books, log everything, keep track of who was borrowing what, and help those who needed it. It was a very monotonous, straight forward job that Jaehee enjoyed. And it paid just enough to support her needs that weren’t inclusive of her scholarship. 

However, this job also warranted a lot of unwanted meetings. Case in point, Soohyuk frequented the library a lot, and was another one of the many places they had their usual encounters. He didn’t really study here, Jaehee noted, but he often borrowed a lot of books for research. Today, though, his intentions were different.

“How may I help you?” Jaehee asked, her tone upped to sound extra polite. “Ah…Soohyuk, hello.” 

“Jaehee-ssi,” he acknowledged. “I am just returning some of the books I borrowed yesterday. Principles of Accounting, volume 1 and 2.”

“You – er – you finished it, already?”

“Yes,” he said, casually.

Trying her best not to leave her mouth agape – because really, this man was on a whole other level compared to her – she nodded, making note of it in their system. 

As she typed it down, she felt his eyes regarding her yet again. “What is it, Soohyuk?” she began, trying to cut to the chase.

“You seem to still be cautious around me,” he noted, mindlessly clicking a pen he had brought with him. “Is there anything I have done today that has made you uncomfortable?”

Jaehee’s fingers halted in their movement, slowly fixing her gaze onto him. “No, no. It’s just…”

“Yes?”

“You surprised me as well, Soohyuk-ssi,” she replied. “I’m trying to keep up. But you did nothing wrong, so don’t worry about it.”

She watched him for another moment, the way he stared at his hands as he leaned them against the table. After a beat, she went back to marking the books in the system as returned. 

“Your friend Eunji is quite the talker,” he said lightly, in the most innocent, matter-of-fact tone. Jaehee knew he didn’t mean this in a malicious manner, but it still got on her nerves nonetheless.

“She has a lot of friends,” she replied, almost defensively.

“Some of which consider themselves acquainted with me, as well,” he added. Jaehee noticed how his hair still maintained the neatness that it had since the morning. 

“Then you would be aware that they talk. Especially since you sat with us today.”

“A calculated move on my part. But others will misunderstand, that is expected.”

“What exactly are you trying to do?” Jaehee asked, keeping her voice as still as possible. Everything about Soohyuk was starting to feel suspicious. “A calculated move towards what?”

“Getting to know you,” Soohyuk replied, point blank. “As a friend. Is that… too far, on my account?”

“Just a little. You know, sometimes, you confuse me.” Jaehee sighed, brushed a lock of hair that escaped the ponytail she tied it in. “You say you only have pure intentions, and sometimes you come off as awkward and you apologise, but then you say that everything you do has a meaning behind it. Which one is it, Soohyuk-ssi?” 

She wondered if the other people in the library could hear her – she wondered if they would make this some big thing, much bigger than it already was. 

Soohyuk did not respond, and a heavy wave of silence washed in between them. She returned the library card over the desk and their hands brushed each other’s, to which Jaehee gingerly recovered from. His hands were still so cold.

“Sign here, please,” she requested promptly. And he did.

Just then, another person appeared behind him – a girl with a pixie cut, books in hand. Soohyuk took this as a cue to leave his spot. But from the corner of her eye she could still see him looming around the library; not like a prince, but a ghost.

It was after work when they talked again. She had a bag around her torso as she strode out from the library, and there he stood, smoking by the bus stop adjacent to the building. It was clear he was waiting for her – people like him didn't just take the bus . 

Soohyuk had a very different air to him when he had a cigarette in between his fingertips  – he seemed so much older, almost melancholically beautiful. The evening air was cold and crisp; fall was on the edge of ending. She brought the scarf she wore to her mouth as she paced towards him steadily. Jaehee was many things, but when it came to confrontations, she was far from a coward.

And as it seemed, Soohyuk wasn’t, either. He pulled the cigarette away from his lips, gently huffing out the smoke the closer she approached. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I often do. It’s a vice, I’m aware, but it helps me settle any… unsteady emotions I may have.” He paused, Jaehee finally standing by his side. She had a bus to take in around ten minutes – it was one stop to the dormitory, so she had time to wait. 

“I see. Now, why are you really here, Soohyuk-ssi?”

Another pause. He stiffened for a moment, and the act was so miniscule that only Jaehee could catch it. 

“I apologise, again, for acting the way I did. And I mean this.” 

Jaehee laughed, softly. “You said that last time, too.”

“I’m aware. When it comes to things of this sort… I seem to mess up often.”

“I… can see that.” She paused, before looking at him from the corner of his eye. “It’s alright. I do too.”

Soohyuk pressed the cigarette to his lips again. The smell was overwhelming, and she knew Binah was going to scold her for this when she got home. He exhaled again, and the smoke drifted carefully towards the bright beam of light exuding from the lamp post.

“If it matters to you, I will make it so that no one will misunderstand our friendship. I realise how rumours might affect you, though they don’t affect me.”

“If you did that, I would be grateful,” Jaehee said, lightly. “And, yes. I told Eunji it went well for that exact reason. I just… do not want to think about that at the moment.”

“About… dating?”

“Exactly. If I said it went horribly, I’ll be set up with someone else. People will keep approaching me. And I don’t want that right now. Not anymore. I plan to get my degree as soon as possible.”

“Graduate early, you mean?” There was intrigue laced in his voice, ash dripping down the cigarette butt. “Some people eager to get into the workforce tend to do that.” 

“If it all goes well,” she replied, “Then that’s the goal. What about you?”

“An ambitious goal, by all means,” Soohyuk noted. “You ought to give me a run for my money if you would like to accomplish that. As for me – I’m in no rush to get my degree. My father would like me to take a graduate degree as well, but there is no point in that.”

“If you can afford to, I don’t see why not. That's one thing you and I differ in,” she chuckled. “I want to get out of here and be independent as soon as possible. But you shouldn't have to. And…also, who’s to say I don’t already threaten your position in our rankings?”

“You are my equal. Everyone always says that about us.” He didn't seem to acknowledge the first topic. Fine by her. 

“And here you said that rumours don’t affect you,” Jaehee grinned, teasingly. He laughed – and really, he had a nice laugh. It was a breath of fresh air from the way his face always fixed itself into a frown, or the fact that he rarely held emotion when he spoke during their days in class. Just like the night before, she found this side of him refreshing.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t listen in on them. They can be outlandish, at times.” 

“That tends to be the nature of rumours. There are times I feel that we have barely aged out of high school in terms of maturity.”

“Gossip is long lasting,” he noted. “Especially when you have nothing else to do.”

“Precisely what I always think.”

They fell into another phase of silence. Though this time, it was more comfortable than the last. Soohyuk let out a final exhale of smoke before tossing the cigarette onto the brick, stomping out its embers with the soles of his oxford shoes. 

“It is nice, though,” he said. “It feels like I have a real friend.”

“What do you mean?”

“The fact that I am the only one who knows about… last night’s predicament,” he chuckled.

Jaehee raised an eyebrow. “Are you trying to blackmail me?” 

“Don’t flatter yourself. I don't know what it is with Korean society and friendships with the opposite gender, but I have nothing from you that I want besides your acquaintance.” 

“Ah, so you’re emotionally blackmailing me.”

“No, no. I am simply saying… It feels nice. Like I’m being let in on a secret only I know about.” There was a sparkle in his eye as he said this, a gaze of childish playfulness that reminded Jaehee that he was still a young man in college, after all, and not the image of adulthood that most assumed from him. It almost made something inside her squeeze itself. He considered her a real friend, and though that proclamation was strange, Choi Soohyuk himself was a very strange man. 

You are not like the rumours make you out to be, either, she wanted to say, but bit it down. Maybe we are, truly, very similar people. But I won’t give in entirely to that idea just yet.

“Feel free to indulge yourself, then,” Jaehee sighed. “If you can keep up the act, perhaps I can get a few answers wrong on the next exam on purpose.”

Soohyuk laughed dryly. “You would do that?”

“No. But it’s nice to imagine, isn’t it?”

Their friendship was simple yet peculiar, but it became a soft place for Jaehee to land on. There were seldom any people in the social circles she was involved in that were so eerily identical to her in terms of values, that every time they talked, they agreed on almost everything. And even in instances that they failed to, it was met with respect and understanding. To Jaehee, Soohyuk was a like-minded comrade in this jungle called university. 

Outside of classes, they often had lunch together, and sometimes hiked on the weekends. She had always been meaning to bring a friend with her to her hiking trips in Bukhansan National Park anyway, but Binah and Eunji hated the prospect of walking so early in the morning for hours. Thankfully, Soohyuk had made less of a fuss. 

“Fresh air and exercise is always vital to keep a focused mind,” he noted, which made Binah’s skin crawl. 

“He really is an ice prince,” Jaehee remembered Binah noting. “To the point that it almost scares me.” 

Meanwhile, her uncle called, occasionally, to check in on her as winter break approached. And while stains of her anger towards her family remained, she managed to placate it with civility and surface-level politeness. Her aunt in general didn’t want her to live away from them for reasons unknown – Jaehee bitterly assumed she just hated anything that would guarantee Jaehee’s happiness – so the idea of the scholarship covering living costs, too, was a save she was still thankful for. 

Things were finally starting to become normal, a routine . The reaction to her and Soohyuk’s friendship was eventually shrugged off, and romance was finally out of Jaehee’s life. However, both Binah and Eunji believed that that ‘date’ with Daesung still went well. Questions of when are you guys going out again? seemed to rise every now and then, but that was easy to shrug off with a simple “We’re both rather busy at the moment.”

“I hope you guys are still texting, at least,” Binah groaned. “You said he’s a good guy. I need you to have sex so badly that it actually hurts.”

“Wow, thank you, Binah,” she mumbled sarcastically.

“Don’t mess up this chance, will you? You don’t even know how lucky you are that you’re getting good dates in the first place.”

So, this brought her to this question that had been swimming in her head the longer she was having this meeting at a bar with Soohyuk. Does this count as a date?

The place was cozier than the restaurant with Daesung – which by now was around two months ago, at the height of November. Nonetheless, it still upheld a sense of high society that intimidated Jaehee. The bar thrummed with delicate live music on a small stage, a chipper voice singing One Note Samba as drinks and conversation carried on through the evening. 

Cylindrical-shaped lights in various shades of tan showered down the establishment, creating a very industrial-yet-modern theme. Jaehee and Soohyuk sat on red leather stools, talking animatedly through the music and laughing amongst themselves about their upcoming term exams.

Jaehee knew it was beyond her to spend even a second away from her notes during a time such as this. She was intentionally barely meeting up with friends, and even studied while working… but it was only a night. She could let loose for at least one evening, couldn't she? Especially when she was confident in her intellect? It was impossible for this to count as a 'date,' if that were the case. 

But frankly, Jaehee knew it was an excuse she made to herself. She couldn't refuse when it came to Soohyuk's invitations – it felt like she was studying while she hung out with him, so it was productive all the same. 

Right? 

A very typical conversation between the two of them spread out, as they seemed to battle out their knowledge through spitfire discussion and debates like it was natural. Jaehee didn’t hold back when it came to Soohyuk – and he didn’t, either. This was the main reason she enjoyed their friendship too much. 

Which, in retrospect, was probably how the conversation dwindled into the topic about their families. She can't remember what they were talking about prior – something about stocks going up and the upcoming election – as the wine they shared was settling into her skin. Jaehee felt warm and slightly dazed; her eyes glanced upon the bottle they were drinking. It was dry red, with a picture of a giraffe staring pointedly on the label. 

“What are your plans for winter break?” he had asked when their conversation died down, taking a sip. Soohyuk appeared as refined as ever – he was wearing a dark brown turtleneck that clung to his body with his signature black slacks, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He wore a trenchcoat earlier, but a staff member had taken it upon their arrival. She in turn wore a pale woollen dress that fell to her knees, the sleeves long enough to touch her wrists. She wore tights underneath, boots borrowed courtesy of Binah, who at this point treated her own wardrobe like a charity case for Jaehee. 

“I assume you will still be studying, but I'm sure your family will request for you. Will they not?” His formality had yet to slip away. Jaehee knew he came from wealth long before they even became acquainted, but the longer they got to know each other, the more obvious it was to her that while they were very similar, they also could not be more different. 

That was why she felt no harm in telling him bits and pieces about her – but not the full story. However, the wine was making her talk. 

“We aren't really on good terms with one another, so I don't exactly know if they'll request me or not,” Jaehee cracked a wry smile, playfully swiveling the wine on its glass. “But it doesn't matter. I do not want to spend my time off with them, anyway.” Brief memories of her last Christmas with them came to her – when she tried to wear her heart on her sleeve so she could experience what it was like to love someone. And failed. 

“I see,” Soohyuk eventually replied. Jaehee glanced up at him for a moment before she took another gulp. She raised the glass and stared at him through it, it's concave shape distorting his figure. This made her laugh under her breath.

“What will you be doing, Soohyuk-ssi?” 

“I am under my father's beck and call,” he explained. If he wanted to sound bitter, he surely didn't show it. “So I will be with him and my mother during the winter break.”

“What's the deal with your father?” Jaehee suddenly found herself asking, taking another sip. She was succumbing to the alcohol like the lightweight she was, and it was showing as bright as day from the way she rocked herself on the stool to the way she spoke. 

“You always talk about him, but you never elaborate on why he's always after you. Ah, let me guess,” she giggled, taking another sip. When she swallowed, she let out an airy gasp. “Are you a corporate heir? One of those big tycoon types that I always read about in novels? That would explain why you love the business world so much.” 

Soohyuk snorted into his glass, almost indulging in her drunkenness. “I surely would like to know the genre of the novels you read. But, unfortunately, not exactly in the way you think. My family is well off, yes, but not in that manner.”

“No?”

“No. It is because…well, my father is quite famous.” 

“If he were a CEO of some kind, he obviously would be,” she groaned impatiently. “Come on, tell me. What, is he a politician? A celebrity?” 

“No. Well, potentially,” he sighed, before slightly lowering his voice. “I don't like to talk about him, but since you are curious. He is a renowned lawyer. His law firm is often used by those corporate heirs, celebrities and politicians that you speak of.”

Jaehee swallowed her own spit. She was used to this, she believed – Y university had plenty of students with well off parents. Eunji herself came from a family of popular actors, but she didn't want to live that life herself. 

But still. 

“Wow, seriously?” she scoffed, laughing defeatedly. 

Soohyuk nodded curtly. “Have you heard of Attorney Minsung Choi?”

This made Jaehee run a hand through her hair, which she left untied as it spilled across her shoulders. She was speechless. “No way.” 

“Yes,” Soohyuk sighed. “I know.”

“You're seriously out of my league,” she slurred humorously, her words crashing in together. “My uncle works at a department store and my aunt is a housewife! Now, that usually wouldn't matter to me, but wow. We couldn't be more different.” 

Jaehee had no idea what she was saying. But in her mind, she was trying her hardest to focus on what was in front of her. The wine was better the more she drank it, so she took another gulp until she finished the rest of the glass. 

“Jaehee-ssi,” Soohyuk called, softly. “I – what do you mean I'm out of your league?” 

“Wha? When did I say that?” she snorted, rubbing the bridge of her nose, which lightly smeared her makeup. 

At this point, even Jaehee couldn't deny that she was drunk. She wondered if Soohyuk was, too. But then again, probably no one in university as lightweight as she was. 

“Just now.” Soohyuk finally noticed the way she was acting, traces of a smile curling the corner of his lips. 

“Well, no reason. I'm just saying that maybe you should feel damn lucky you have a father who wants you around all the time. I'm not – I'm not blaming you or anything – because how stupid would that be? – I just think it's inconsiderate.”

“How so?” His smile faded.

“For starters,” she rambled, her voice twisting into faux-triumph,  “I don't have parents! They're dead! Woohoo! And I wish that they were here to fuss over me everyday like your dad does, or like Binah's parents do. I lived with my uncle’s family, who I was nothing more than a burden to. I made my way into Y out of my sheer will to escape that household. And, my God, I would give anything to have what you have. Seriously."

When she finished, deafening silence crashed across their table, and tears suddenly filled Jaehee's honeyed eyes. She didn't know what the hell was wrong with her tonight. Blame it on the alcohol, sure, but in the first place, there were so many things going wrong. 

First of all, why was she saying all this to someone in college, when she promised that she wouldn't? Why was she here with Soohyuk when she should be studying? Why slack off when she was running out of time? 

She plopped open the wine bottle and poured herself another drink. Soohyuk watched her under half closed eyelids, and then took the bottle from her hand after she poured.

“Hey,” she grumbled under her breath. “I wasn’t finished.”

“You are intoxicated,” he said, coolly. In that stupid factual tone. 

“I can take care of myself.”

“I have no doubt that you do,” he sighed. “But as your friend , I advise you to watch your intake.”

“Why? I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” she regurgitated. “You just don’t want your ego bruised.”

“My ego is more than okay, thank you.” Soohyuk kept his fingers on the bottle, refusing to hand it over to Jaehee. However, he didn’t have an iron grip the way she did – being a black belt in judo still had its perks – and she managed to yank it from him. 

She finished pouring the drink, the curl of liquid arousing a pained look on Soohyuk’s solemn face. Finally, after a moment, he spoke up again. 

“I will not deny the fact that I am more privileged than you,” Soohyuk acknowledged, leaning his head against his hands as his elbows anchored on the table. “Yes, I am lucky that I have been given the countless things I have. I will not say that I don’t appreciate my parentage for making things easier.”

Jaehee scoffed. He ignored this and continued. 

“And I am sorry to hear about your parents. Your situation… is hard to navigate, from my point of view. Because of this, you have gained even more respect from me for your hard work. However, it would be selfish to assume that my own life is picture-perfect, as countless others assume.”

She watched him as he spoke. His dark gray eyes held hers with a fierceness that startled her, almost intimidated her immensely. Maybe he, too, was a little drunk. He took another sip and licked his lips.

“My father wants me to handle the finances of his law firm, to marry me off. I want to start my own company and live independently, to do business outside of Korea. What might seem like a simple squabble to you, is something that has been haunting me since my childhood. He always treats me like a puppet, willing to do anything as long as he says so. Because he has power over me, you see. Financially and legally.”

There was a seriousness to the way he spoke, yes, but Jaehee sensed a desperation, too. It cracked in the edges of his words. Not like he was helpless and at someone’s disposal, no – but like he was on the verge of rebellion, anger and frantic weariness wrapped into one. 

Jaehee did not want to say she misunderstood him. Here he was, a sad image of a rich man’s son who didn’t want to follow orders. A massive cliche, something she could especially identify when drunk. But he was restless, she knew. He was tired.

“We both want to escape, then,” she eventually mumbled, feeling another gulp of the bitter wine washing down her tongue. “To be independent from our guardians completely.”

She heard Soohyuk chuckle. “Yes, I suppose.”

“I guess that warrants a toast!” she sang, her soured mood dwindling back to playfulness. 

“No, I think we’ve both had quite enough,” he had said, lowering his glass. “Let’s get you back home. I think you would thank me for saving you from further embarrassment tomorrow.”

“Spoilsport.”

Soohyuk decided, this time, to drop her off at the dormitory with the help of his driver. It was late – the clock almost slivered to midnight. While that didn’t warrant the campus to be less lively, it was a Wednesday, and they had a curfew at nine. Because of this, the both of them had to be as eerily silent as possible. 

The chirp of crickets echoed through the bushes as they passed through the dark pavement. Jaehee suppressed a giggle as she tried to walk, Soohyuk holding her by the arm to keep her posture. The girls’ dormitory was decorated in a quaint manner, with generous gardens and benches to make the front look like a park. The actual building was more professional, with sleek colors and glass-gleaming designs. It looked like an establishment that belonged to a bank, rather than a place where frantic college girls lived their lives. 

Though it was cold, Jaehee felt unbelievably warm and bubbly. Her cheeks were dusted a deep pink, and when she stared up at Soohyuk, she could find traces of the color on his skin, as well. 

“Be quiet,” he warned, suddenly tense. It was apparent that he had never done this before. This was only one of the handful of times Jaehee did so herself. The party was one of them. 

But really, that was the last thing on her mind. Her mind was dripping out into all sorts of places; from the laughability of this situation to thinking faintly of how Binah would react. It was when Soohyuk went from grabbing her arm to wrapping it around his shoulder in one fell swoop.

This definitely straightened her posture, but also made her struggle due to their height difference. “You’re tall,” she commented lightly. “I think I’m going to be swept off the ground.”

“Do you even have an idea where the ground is, at this point?”

“I’m not an idiot,” she whined. “I know it’s below my feet. Stop being an asshole before I–”

“Shh!” He hushed. “A security guard might hear you.”

Eventually, they were finally at the entrance of the dormitory. She had the keys in her bag, which she shuffled around for loosely until Soohyuk had grown exasperated and taken it himself.

“I could’ve done it–”

“Yourself, I know,” he finished, tiredly. “But the last thing I want is for us to get caught and risk losing credits for this. I should have gotten us both home earlier.”

“Yeah, well, that’s your fault for not looking at the time.”

“And it’s yours, too, for rambling on too much and getting angry with me,” he said, busy looking for her keys. He pulled it out, trailing with a keychain of a doll from Tei’s Tea Leaf. “Is this it?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed under her breath, swiping it from his hands. Still freezing cold. 

She looked up at him in the blurriness of her vision; his hair had lost its neatness, more and more strands falling over his eyes. And then she smiled messily, taking back her bag from him. 

Jaehee still doesn’t know what warranted her to do what she did next. If you ask her now, the only thing she could answer was that it was the adrenalin, it was the alcohol, the half dark and the intimacy she found herself in. It was in the idea that what she felt in that moment was affection and immense thankfulness for having met someone as identical to her as Soohyuk.

Something that, back then, she truly and genuinely believed were the first hitches of romantic attraction. Something like the way she felt when she saw Zen, something like the fondness she had for Joowon, despite the way she had suffered when she was with him. It was a shiver of a strange emotion, a misconstrued feeling.

But when Jaehee was twenty-one years old, and knew nothing of things of this sort, it didn’t matter to her. 

“Thank you, Soohyuk,” she breathed, and with her hands shivering from the iciness of the evening air, she got up on her toes to hold his face. 

Just like that, when Jaehee was a sophomore in university, she had what would be considered her second kiss, but her very first with someone who was considered a man.

And though she wouldn’t realize it for years to come, that was, truly, when things started to turn to shit. 

Chapter Text

The following morning, their bumbling Business professor, Professor Park, arrived into the lecture hall with something to say. Now, this was a first for everyone – he usually stayed within the bounds of what was in the syllabus, a very forthright sort of teacher who didn't care to be too imaginative in his methods. Some struggled to follow along in his class because of this, but Jaehee preferred it when things were straightforward. They made it much easier to understand. 

“Alright,” he announced, his usual withering voice hardening, “Listen up.” 

The rest of the class were so bewildered by this – thinking something genuinely serious had happened – and grew silent. Jaehee, Eunji and Soohyuk's row included. 

Well, honestly, there wasn't much conversation occurring, anyway. Soohyuk arrived first this time, staring straight at her the moment she walked into the hall. They muttered a low, typical "good morning," and that was that.

Her head was still pounding miserably from last night's events. Binah let her take another pill that would take effect in the next hour – but she still sat feeling nauseous and groggy, the memories from last night haunting her. 

She could only remember it in brief images. First, she was laughing with Soohyuk. Then they were arguing. Over what, she couldn't recall. 

And then…

Good God, Jaehee cringed. Why do I always end up kissing someone when intoxicated? 

Her gaze carefully drifted to Soohyuk from the corner of her eye. His own focus seemed to be directly on the professor – maybe he forgot, or simply decided it was better off forgotten. She hoped it was the former. 

“SKY university is having a collaborative conference with Y next week, on Friday,” Professor Park explained pointedly. Jaehee noticed the trace of a Busan accent.

“The theme is entrepreneurship in South Korean youth, and some of the senior students in the business department will be speaking. You are all expected to attend, as other universities and people of importance from various enterprises will also be present.” A pause, the class breaking out into whispers. Jaehee, despite her sorry state, had suddenly been thrown back into reality. Now she was interested. 

Professor Park leaned coolly back against his desk, which – admittedly – looked odd coming from someone as old as him. 

“I'm sure you realize this will be a major opportunity to get acquainted with your future competitors in the market and make connections. If you care about your degree in the slightest, you will also be interested in the talks that will commence. And also, the board told me I had to tell you all this, because your attendance will be graded,” his voice lowered, sighs and groans exuding from the neighbouring seats, “when, honestly, I don't really care. Just don't let it interfere with your finals in December. But anyway. Continuing from your previous class…” 

“Damn,” she heard someone behind her mumble. “I had plans that day.”

Jaehee tried her best to pay attention. The prospect of the conference was exciting, and it would usually put her mind ablaze – because this was a huge opportunity, just as her professor suggested. She needed to create a plan of some kind. A way for her to impress them or to put herself out there, even when it was clear that's what everyone else was thinking.

But her head was buzzing. And it was, truly, a horrible idea to drink on a weekday. An even more horrible idea to drink with someone else. Someone like Soohyuk . 

Once again, she was brought back to the previous night, the flickering memories she had left of it. That kiss meant nothing to Jaehee… or at least she thought so, in retrospect. There was nothing she felt besides regret when she thought back to it – the way her mouth clumsily fell against his, the cold softness of his lips making her yelp. 

It was a quick peck, nothing too serious – she even drunkenly went “ Mwah !” for dramatic effect. But then she remembered his reaction. The way he looked at her like the entire world had spun on his feet. 

He rubbed his mouth with his sleeve. His entire face had turned red under the moonlight. And when he opened his mouth to speak, Jaehee blurted out an animated “Good night!” before clambering into the building, leaving him behind. 

She looked at him again, fearfully, as they sat in class, and wondered if he still had something to say. And the idea of him approaching her to talk about this filled her stomach with an immense dread, making her more nauseous than she already was. 

“Hey, you okay?” Eunji whispered next to her. Prof. Park was droning on, re-iterating a concept they had gone through in their last class. “You look sick.”

“I am,” Jaehee mumbled, rubbing her temples. She already took ibuprofen, and drinking water would make the nausea worse. Leaving class abruptly was also a bad idea – because nobody expects Jaehee Kang to do something like that, so why should she? 

But the more she felt Soohyuk's presence looming just a seat away from her, the more curiosity as well as fear burned into the back of her eyelids. What if this turned into a Joowon situation again? That, too, started with her holding his hand, a thing that came to her in the spur of the moment. 

What if she ended up pursuing Soohyuk for the hell of it all, only for everything to end up in flames? 

No. She couldn't. When she said romance was going to be out of the picture from now on, she meant it. And she couldn't risk the friendship she shared with Soohyuk again for something as stupid as this. He knew who she was now – pathetic and helpless, who couldn't even handle a few sips of wine. A child who had yet to grow up. 

How could she ever recover? 

It was the most humiliating thing she had ever done. Not even her getting caught by her aunt nor the blind date compared to the shame she felt now. 

“God,” she spat under her breath, leaning her head down over the table, her fingernails digging into her hair. 

I am never, ever drinking again. 

“You should go to the nurse if you don't feel well,” she heard Eunji soothing, running a hand in circles across her back. Her touch prickled faintly against her skin. 

“No. I'm fine. I just need to wait for the painkillers to kick in.”

“You must take another one for the nausea,” Soohyuk had suddenly suggested. 

His voice immediately tensed her up. But he was casual – or, well, as casual as Soohyuk could be. He was writing something down as he spoke.

“Do not try to hold it out if you are unable to. You are not only inconveniencing yourself, but you are also distracting us,” he said, lightly. 

Jaehee, honest to God, wanted to scream. But she held it in, swallowed, and pressed a tight smile against her lips.

“I suppose you're right. I wouldn't want to disturb you,” she said harshly, standing up from her seat to gather her things. Whether or not he remembers, I'm glad to see nothing's changed. 

People could usually come and go from Professor Park's lectures – because unlike the others from the extra courses she occasionally took, he cared less about anything that didn't concern the syllabus. And although it was embarrassing, and un-Jaehee Kang of her, her temper was flaring and so was her headache. 

 “I hate to request this of you, Eunji,” she sighed, “but could you–”

“I will give you my notes,” Soohyuk quipped. He still wasn't looking at either of them, his eyes facing forward and to his notebook. "Now, please, go and take care of yourself, alright?”

Jaehee thought she imagined it – because usually this sentence would sound unbearably sarcastic – but it was hard not to notice when she knew him for several months. His voice… had softened, the usual shrivel of iciness suddenly gone. 

He meant what he just said, didn't he? She pondered, hesitating for a moment. She was still annoyed with him – who was he to baby her? – but it showed that he cared , at least. Eunji seemed to stare at the two of them awkwardly, as if she had been caught in the middle of something.

Jaehee said nothing. She simply grabbed her things and left, trying to shrug off the strange sense of fear that was starting to rise up from her stomach.

Jaehee started to feel better during lunch. She usually ate alone in the cafeteria and studied; Binah had her own massive group of friends who ate at a different part of the campus – and while Jaehee was acquainted with most of them, some adopting her as their own and wouldn't mind if she joined them, there were times when their collective excitedness became far too overwhelming. And considering her current state, she'd rather not risk it.

Eunji, on the other hand, ate at random times of the day. And even when she had her meals at an acceptable time, she had people inviting her out to cafés and restaurants, rarely ever eating at the cafeteria. So whether she would pop up to eat with her was forever a guessing game.

And sometimes, of course, there would be Soohyuk. 

He was the bridge between the two extremes that were her only good friends on campus.  Soohyuk would sit across from her and eat in silence, just like Jaehee would. Sometimes he'd have a textbook with him and study, just like she did. It was nice, she supposed, to simply have the presence of someone familiar. To not feel alone .

Today, however, was not one of those instances.

She plopped herself down on one of the tables with her lunch – cold tteokbokki and a small carton of apple juice – and began to dig in. Her paranoia and the whirl of the situation with Soohyuk aside, she needed to think about the thing that should matter to her the most right now. And that was the conference. 

She would rarely get opportunities like this again. The Y almost never collaborated with other universities for events like these – expected, though, since they all were technically competitors in the same market. And SKY university , at that.

That would imply the presence of scouters, investors, higher ups. Even those she could potentially learn from, and her mind and heart fuzzed at the thought. This is just what I needed, she chimed, taking a large bite. It was cold, yes, but she was never a picky eater. 

She was focused now. All for the sake of her future – and for being able to afford tickets to Zen's shows every now and then. 

It was an embarrassing thing she kept a secret – yes, Binah knew of it, but not how intense it had gotten – alongside her countless minute guilty pleasures; but he felt like her distant, faraway solace in times that she needed a distraction.

She opened her phone as the thought occurred to her, scrolling through a newly-made fan site she had signed up to during those last two months. Zen, despite how new he was in the spotlight, seemed to garner a steady yet small fanbase that created a hub for themselves. In Jaehee's case, they were all like-minded individuals that shared the same opinions, from the perfect shape of Zen's eyes to the perfect tremble of his husky voice. 

Oh, and musicals, too.

Thanks to him and as well as Binah's influence, she was able to explore the scene a bit further as well. It was delightful as much as it was different from her usual pace; and she relished in it with ease. The sorrowful and well-enunciated songs sung constantly in her earphones on the way to class, on the way to work. She was listening to Zekyll & Hyde's Confrontation at 6 in the morning – simply because it was a good song – to the point where it made Binah hysterical. 

This, by all means, was a much healthier distraction than kissing men mindlessly when drunk. Especially when that man was someone you considered a friend.

As if she jinxed it, when she glanced up from her phone to grab another bite of her tteokbokki; there he was. Sitting there as still as stone. One hand scooping up a salad, the other on the back of a hardbound book's spine. 

She jolted for a moment as she took him in. Would he notice how her eyes seemed to bore into him? Would he care, if he didn't remember?

Jaehee chewed on her food, then snorted. This garnered Soohyuk's attention, his eyebrow raised.

“What's so funny?”

She shook her head. “Nothing. I just… I simply realized that we seem to eat across from each other a lot. Similar to when we first started talking.”

“That is false,” he noted blankly. “Our first conversation was during our freshman year's mid-term results. I said that you did a good job and introduced myself. Then we–”

“Discussed the paper, I know,” Jaehee finished, tiredly. “But you know what I mean. Our first… proper conversation? One that didn't involve school, or anything related to it.”

Soohyuk shrugged. “Then you should have elaborated.”

She rolled her eyes; but still, relief fell across her senses from the normalcy of his tone. If he didn't remember, maybe she could, too.

“Yes, I suppose–”

“Are we going to talk about the events of last night?” He cut in bluntly, eyes still on the contents of his book; small enough to fit in his palm, and Jaehee eyed the title. Maintaining your Financial Assets. Good God. 

I would prefer not to , Jaehee yearned to say, her blood running cold, the exact nausea she had felt earlier returning. But no, maybe he meant the less mind-numbing thing; the conversation that led to the argument, and the way she could recall anger, jealousy and guilt prickling into her skin. 

It took a while before Jaehee spoke again, flitting her light brown eyes up at him pointedly. “My memory of last night has only recently returned to me, but barely. I do remember… a bit, though.”

She felt like she was being interrogated, cross-examined. But she maintained her posture as much as she could, unwilling to back down. Jaehee still had no idea what exactly he was trying to refer to – was it whatever they talked about, the kiss, or some secret third thing? 

“Perhaps you could help me,” Jaehee offered. “Remember.”

“What else is there to recall?” Soohyuk urged. He still refused to look Jaehee in the eye. She knew this was her time to strike.

“You walked me home,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I don’t know how I made it back to my dorm. Do you, perhaps–”

Soohyuk slammed his book shut. It would’ve startled her, but she anticipated this reaction from him. 

“So, there was something that happened.”

“Yes.” His voice lowered. “There was.”

Silence. Jaehee had found herself this far – so why was she unable to continue? No, no, she would pursue.

“Well, that’s quite ominous.”

“Considering the subject matter – let me be frank, Jaehee, I have no idea how to address any of this.”

“I kissed you,” Jaehee finally stated, her tone firm, rock-hard. “Isn’t that right?”

Hesitation hiccupped in Soohyuk’s eyes. If it were anyone but Jaehee, they wouldn’t have caught the way his expression faltered, like he had been kicked in the gut. But he recovered, like she expected him to, and simply went, “Yes. You’re right.”

“Did you suddenly remember it as well?”

“No. I remember it quite clearly, actually. Which is why–” he coughed, into his book, before closing it with one hand. 

“Which is why I am trying to come to terms with the fact that for once, this is something I’m finding difficult to understand. Apologies if I cannot be as curt as you on the matter.”

Jaehee inhaled sharply. She did not know what to say next. Though she figured this would happen, one way or another… she failed to calculate what would happen if she came this far.

He, similarly, seemed to be just as confused. Soohyuk gulped, his Adam’s apple shifting in his throat.

“And that is why I would like to ask… if that would imply that we are… romantically involved with each other?”

Jaehee froze. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we kissed. You initiated it, which could mean you have feelings for me. And I… did not oppose it, so it could only mean one thing. That I have feelings for you, as well.”

His eyes almost seemed to pierce into her, taunting her despite its expressionlessness. She felt her skin light itself on fire – despite the cafeteria being well-conditioned, a layer of cold sweat formed on her back. Jaehee wanted answers, she wanted something ; but not this.  

Or, actually, she wasn’t so sure. Either way, she knew that she had to approach this carefully. To let him down easily, to disappoint this person that seemed so concrete about what he wanted out of this, that he simply came to the conclusion that there was something that existed between the two of them, something that could be good.

But as soon as she thought about it, she seemed to feel it, too. Jaehee liked Soohyuk; she enjoyed his company, and she felt a certain way when he showed the endearing parts of himself. When he wasn’t cold, when he laughed – or he was simply awkward, especially in situations like this. When he watched over her, showed her consideration or care without meaning to. She found him… cute, almost. 

This wasn’t like how she felt with Joowon, where there was no attraction seemingly present, beyond the desire of wanting to have someone. There was… something. That much, at least, was certain. 

“Jaehee! Soohyuk!” A voice seemed to shriek through the hall, breaking the silence that crackled in between the two of them. Eunji.

She scurried through the cafeteria, bag loosely slung across her shoulder. A smile hung across her face, considerably unaware that she interrupted such an awkward moment between the two. 

“God, I’m hungry. I’m lucky I saw you guys, or else I’d have to eat alone. Imagine how miserable that would be,” Eunji rambled on. “How are you holding up, Jaehee?”

“I’m feeling better, thank you.” Jaehee smiled, eyes flickering.

“I haven’t eaten here in a while.” Eunji noted, sighing as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She sat herself down next to Jaehee, plopping her bag on the table. “Do you guys usually eat together?”

“Yes, we do,” Soohyuk responded. The pages of the book in his hand played in between his fingertips, flipping them mindlessly. His gaze fixated elsewhere – this much, Jaehee noticed.

“What do you usually eat here, then?” Eunji’s gaze focused on what Jaehee was eating. “Tteokbokki?”

Jaehee nodded, taking a small bite. Somehow, doing such made her self conscious. “It depends on what the meal is. They alternate it every other day. Sometimes you can purchase the boxed ones. Those change every month.”

She looked slowly at Soohyuk. “Now that I think about it, I’ve never actually seen Soohyuk eat a meal here.” A small chuckle. “I don’t think his body is built for such things.”

“Is that so?” Eunji questioned, an eyebrow raised. After a moment, that confusion turned into amusement. Something that even Jaehee could pick up.

“I wonder why, Soohyuk.”

“I do not typically have anywhere else to spend my time before my next class,” he rused. “And I’d like to keep Jaehee company from time to time. She seems to be the very solitary type.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Eunji teased. Jaehee shifted in her seat, her mouth going dry. She took a large sip from her apple juice box, almost squeezing it dry. 

“As if you’re not,” Jaehee coughed. “I’d almost say you’re more solitary than I am. Like a lone wolf.” She cringed at the comparison as soon as it left her mouth. 

“I guess people change,” Eunji shrugged. 

“They do,” Soohyuk replied. His gaze didn’t leave Jaehee. “That is the naturality of human nature, to change. Which is why now, I believe I’m starting to learn something new.”

Jaehee’s eyebrow raised. She felt like her breath was about to give out, but she stood her ground. Soohyuk, after a beat, continued.

“That is, I suppose, to not categorise others. Or put them in boxes. Perhaps the person that they become is much more interesting than who you originally thought they were.”

Because of this, Jaehee lay woefully across her bed, limbs outstretched into a starfish formation. She had finished reviewing the units on her planner that she had decided to go through during the night. She would go through the rest tomorrow.

It now gave her time to think. Which was unfortunate, because when she was no longer focusing on the endless gears that whirred through her brain as she studied and reviewed, seeping, oozing thoughts of Soohyuk came back in. Her chest seemed to cave in, like a looming presence haunted her. That kiss… she couldn’t remember it. Not the exact moment it happened, anyway – but she could recall the prickliness of his skin, the way his hands clung to her elbows as she pulled his face against her own. The way his eyes widened in surprise, how his lips were still left slightly parted when she had pulled away. 

She remembered how cold the air was. How warm he felt against her. How warm she had become. It made her chest pound with the memory of it, the kind that made her stomach ache, like a precaution before nausea. This hour of the night always seemed to be devoted to her lamentations; and this night, Soohyuk’s question was the star of what was haunting her mercilessly.

Jaehee, once more, had just sworn that she wouldn’t care about this again. She had just given up, decided that trying to be like her friends – youthful, careless, with hearts practically unravelling at their sleeves – just wasn’t for her. Yes, she was lonely; but was she lonely enough to compromise herself with men she knew were not good enough for her? That made her feel nothing like how romance novels or musicals made her feel?

She knew better than to be desperate so openly. In fact, she had enough of it. Her goal was always to succeed, to live a life everyone (including herself) expected: one that was rooted in greatness. Nothing, not even these moments, could ever make her forget that.

But why, why was she dawdling on these strange, foreign emotions? For Soohyuk, for whatever this was between the two of them? It made her head hurt the more he stayed in the depths of her mind, like the devil that laid on her shoulder.

Is this… what having a crush is like? 

Binah walked in then, unlocking the door. Jaehee assumed Binah thought she was asleep, hence why she was being so careful as to not make any noise (and failing miserably).

Jaehee groaned. “Sorry!” Binah whisper-shouted.

“No, I’m still awake.” 

“Oh!” Her roommate yelped, lowering her bag. “Oh. Are you done studying?”

“Mm, perhaps.” 

“Poor thing,” Binah seemed to tease. “You sound exhausted.”

“I am exhausted, I think.”

"Exam season doesn't usually get you all worked up like this," her roommate hummed. "Then again. What do I know. I'm not a business student."

"You're right and wrong about that." Jaehee laughed, albeit faintly. "It's...uh... it's Soohyuk."

"Lee Soohyuk?" 

"Mhm."

"Yeah, your friend. Did something happen?" A pause. Her voice teeters on suspicion. "Did something happen?"

Jaehee buried her head in her pillow. That was enough of an answer for Binah to have a reaction. She gasped, a hand to her chest. "No way. Jaehee finally hooked up with someone. This is almost historical."

"What? No." She raised her head, almost in protest. "No, we didn't sleep together. I just... I kissed him." The mere confession of it sends a shiver down her spine. She was almost... embarrassed about it, really. 

Binah fully deflated. "Oh. Wow. Well, that's big news there. I mean, it's not like nothing could've ever not happened between the two of you, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like--" Binah sits herself down on her bed, untying her ponytail in one swift movement. Her hair was quite long, almost longer than Jaehee's. "A man, a woman. You guys hang out like two times a week. Being weird nerds or whatever it is you guys do. It was bound to happen anyways."

Jaehee frowned. Was that how everyone who percieved their friendship saw them as? A coupling waiting to happen? What was the point in having such expectations -- in fact, why couldn't they just be a man, a woman, and simply friends? Couldn't all three statements simply exist together?

Then again, she was the one who kissed him. She had no right to say any of that.

Binah crosses her legs, pulling off her socks. "What? Do you not like him and don't know how to break it to him, or something?"

Her head ducks back down to the soft fabric of her bedding. That was the very question she'd been trying to answer for the past several hours. In fact, for the past day. The very sensation of what it is to even like a boy was something that had been bothering her long before she even entered university, so how would she be able to understand it right now? 

However, if there was anything that Jaehee was sure about, it was that she had never felt the way she did with Soohyuk before. She never felt herself as easily identical as she was with him, no one who understood her as he did. She was... at ease, comfortable in a new, strange form. The only kind of comfortable that she only felt around her female friends. And maybe even more.

She thought him handsome. Cute, sometimes, even. In small, discreet moments. Though her heart never raced like described in her novels and soap operas, there was a sense of nervousness and intimidation that came from being around him. Was this not attraction?

"I think I do like him," Jaehee finally says, her mouth dry. She doesn't know if she fully means that or not, but when it comes to things like this, Jaehee quite literally knows nothing. "At least, I think so. I've never felt this way before."

Binah stands up, opens the bathroom door. "Then that's the only answer you need. Trust me, Jaehee. Dating isn't as complicated as you make it out to be when you don't overthink it." Her voice echoes from the linoleum. "It'll save you a lot of time in the long run."

____

The days following up to the conference were sometimes short, sometimes dreadfully long. Jaehee didn't really necessarily have to prepare anything , actually, alongside studying for finals, but she wanted to be prepared by researching the professors and alumni who were doing seminars, the questions she could form, the answers. She wanted to wring every advantage she could obtain out of this conference — even potential business prospects to insure her positions in internships, or even better, a job that she can take up immediately after graduation. Everything would be free game, and that was why she was so excited.

So excited that her previous lingering thoughts of Soohyuk had almost completely slipped away. She thought of her conversation with Binah and how she would approach it with him, but thankfully, his ambitions towards the conference were nearly identical to hers. In a way, there was a silent agreement to not talk about it until everything calmed down a bit. To which a small part of Jaehee hoped would never happen.

It was all too thrilling, this build-up, this cauldron of potential sizzling before her. If Jaehee wasn't the ambitious type before, she definitely was now. In fact, it felt like the two of them were the only ones in their class that weren’t dreading for this day to happen. 

When the day finally came along, her classmates all decided to meet outside at the gate of SKY. 

SKY was much bigger than YU, and much more suited to its "modern" feel than YU's long-winded reputation for maintaining traditionalism. It was all glass buildings covered in a tuna-fish gleam against the morning sun, the main one almost resembling a giant dome, with banners strewn up high to welcome the other students to their establishment. 

A small group of her classmates agreed to meet up at a shaded bench near the entrance. It would make it easier, they supposed, to redeem their passes to the event if they went together. Jaehee eventually found her way to them, spotting Eunji first and foremost, who waved wildly at her even from afar. 

After Eunji, her eyes searched for Soohyuk. He wasn’t there. She sighed, but she couldn’t figure out if it was in disappointment or relief. It all felt the same to her, anyway.

Eunji linked arms with her. “You made it!” she hummed. Jaehee politely rang her greetings to everyone in the group. 

“I’m a bit surprised you all made it earlier. Were you just waiting for me?”

“Yeah, but it’s alright.” Eunji turned her voice into a whisper. “Turns out Dongkyung is dating one of the senior students speaking later. But we don’t know who.”

“Oh,” Jaehee hummed. She couldn’t remember who Dongkyung was. “That’s… interesting.”

“Tell me about it.” Her arm was still around Jaehee as the group made their way into campus. “I mean, what’s with all the mystery, y’know? I’d get it if she were a freshman, but we’re adults. It’s no biggie.”

“I don’t believe who she dates has to be our business, though,” Jaehee found herself saying. “She’s allowed her own privacy.”

A pause. “Well, that’s just me.” She didn’t know why, but her throat felt like it was closing in. 

They eventually entered the main dome, immediately hit with cold air from within the establishment. The students inside were like a network of bees, not unlike their own university, bustling around in crowds, lounging around, looking for their next class. But there was a small stall as they entered with a poster dedicated to the conference, and they figured that would be their best bet to where they would go next.

“Hey there, good morning!” A chirpy young man sang, posted at the stall. “I’m guessing you’re here for the conferences happening today?” 

He wasn’t Korean appearance-wise, Jaehee didn’t think so, but his Korean was perfect. “Yep,” someone from the group had said on their behalf. “YU students. There’s six of us.”

“Alright, got it.” He shuffled down a basket that had a wad of ID passes stacked together. After a moment, he pushed a sheet of paper and a pen towards the group. “Could you guys just write your names and contact details down here?”

Once obtaining all their passes, they were directed the way to the Business admin department, a different building from where they entered, since there were so many branches of business that housed a handful of students. It felt like navigating a labyrinth, and Jaehee was half-glad she didn't have to go through this alone.

“You're right,” Eunji suddenly said. Her grip had loosened from her arm now, and she was holding her hand. Their fingers weren't intertwined, merely their palms clasped together. Like a child tugging their mother along.

“Excuse me?”

“I guess it wouldn't be right to pry,” Eunji eventually sighed. “I'm just… so used to knowing things about everyone, you know? I wouldn't be Eunji if I was behind the loop. God, I sound like a nosy bitch,” she seemed to laugh.

“Then again,” she continued, “I don't know a lot about you, and we've been friends for a while now. I guess that says something.”

“About…what?” Jaehee bit her lip. 

“That I don't need to know everything about a person for them to want me around, I guess?” Eunji swayed towards her, mindlessly knocking their shoulders together. “And I guess that's kind of comforting. To have a friend like that.”

Jaehee turned to face Eunji. For a moment, almost a split second, there was something in her friend's face that deflated. She wasn't sure if she imagined it or not.

“I–”

“I think that's the business department,” Eunji called out, pointing to the building closest to them. Sure enough, there was a plaque that marked the area as the place they were looking for. 

“Did you take a look at the seminar schedule? I think someone from our seniors goes first after the remarks,” someone in the group had said. 

“Ooh, we should hurry! I wanna get good seats,” Eunji urged excitedly, her hand releasing Jaehee's at last. 

Jaehee flexed her fingers before following them in. Somehow, her chest momentarily sank. It appeared she didn't want her to let go.

But nevertheless, they were here. At the event she’d been anticipating ever since it was announced. The initial loud chatter had become a low hush of voices, people conversing in small groups, shaking hands and exchanging business cards, mixed in with people excitedly trying out the small stalls of student-formed businesses that spread across the wide hallway, baked goods and bracelets, services to clothing. She hung her ID pass around her neck and followed the group further, the neck of people they were going through becoming even more narrow the closer they got to the entrance to the auditorium. 

“Eunji,” Jaehee found herself saying, “Have you seen–”

“Ow! What the hell?” 

“Oh, sorry,” she apologised instinctively, reaching for her own shoulder. The impact was abrupt, the collision more forceful than she had expected it to be. She supposed the person she slammed into felt similarly. 

But when she looked up, the previous regret swimming in her faded away. In fact, it quickly turned into alarm, then plain annoyance.

“No way,” he gasped, almost in disbelief.  “Kang Jaehee?” 

Oh, for heaven’s sake. 

“Doyoung,” she addressed, formally. “It’s… a surprise to see you here.”

Doyoung. The blind date that failed so miserably. The blind date that everyone – except Soohyuk – thought went well. 

“Tell me about it,” he laughed, rubbing the nape of his neck. “Are you here for the seminar? No, wait, no need to answer that.” He pointed at her pass, an easy smile on his damned face. 

Jaehee nodded. She had no need to be polite to him, or to press the conversation further. “Well, alright. I’ll see you around.”

“No, wait, listen.” He took a step forward, partially blocking her path. The group was nowhere to be found within this crowd – they'd probably gone ahead without her.

“I don't believe I have anything in particular to say to you,” Jaehee sighed, tiredly glaring up at him. “Now if you would excuse me–”

“Who's that, Doyoung?” 

A friend of his called for him. Or maybe an acquaintance. Jaehee didn’t really care. Either way, she saw this as an opening to leave, which she succeeded in. 

Once she finally, finally entered the auditorium, her breath seemed to catch up to itself. There was a clearing of people now, but the seats were filling up. She tried to spot Eunji and the faces from their group, searching for them row-by-row. This was eventually resolved by Eunji raising her hand, alerting her of their location (second row to the end of where Jaehee entered). 

As she walked to take over the seat her friend saved, Jaehee then found herself…gazing over the other seats, looking to see if Soohyuk was there. She didn't know what exactly warranted this, but it wasn't necessarily a bad, unwelcome feeling. There was simply a curiosity that needed to be quenched. 

But, still, she couldn't spot him. I wonder where he is? It isn't like him to be late. Wait, why am I worrying about him?

She sat herself down next to Eunji. “Where'd you run off to?” she asked, to which Jaehee shrugged and replied, “Got caught up in the crowd.”

“Ah! Sorry, I shouldn't have let go of your hand.”

Jaehee merely smiled. There was an empty spot between her and the other person that filled up the next seat, and was thankful a gap was present. She couldn't imagine the discomfort of being shoulder-to-shoulder with a complete stranger.

“Oh, you're sitting here, too?”

Jaehee wanted to evaporate right then and there. I spoke far too soon. Why, God, why, must you subject me to this?

Doyoung waved at his friend – the one now next to him – and took a seat. It’s like he had forgotten how he stormed out on her that night; before she could even say anything, he turned to her, a smirk on his lips.

“As I was saying, Jaehee-ssi,” he began, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for how I acted that night.”

“Excuse me?” She watched him for that moment, in clear disbelief. Jaehee, truth be told, had stopped thinking about him at least several days after that incident. He was a memory to cringe over, sure, and his face automatically pissed her off when she looked at it, but was it really something that she cared about anymore?

“You were right, as much as I hate to admit it,” Doyoung sighed, leaning himself back on his chair. “After that night, you had me thinking. You know, what if the way I treated my romantic prospects wasn’t really getting me anywhere? And that’s when it hit me.” 

“Romantic prospects?” Jaehee repeated.

“Yeah. Anyways, I shouldn't have said what I said in front of you. Women don't like the kind of guy who brags about, and I quote, 'having a pretty little something' on their arm. I know better now, and I don't blame you for reacting that way.”

Jaehee blinked. How long had it been since their blind date? Surely, it had only been a few months since then. Did he really change that much? She doubted it. His entire issue was his lifestyle, his mindset. That kind of thing was difficult to unlearn, especially under such a short span of time. 

“And you would be…?”

Jaehee swivelled her head the other way, almost remembering that she was sitting next to Eunji, who could clearly hear everything that was being said. Her heart slammed against her chest, palms momentarily sweating. She opened her mouth, tried to come with some gentle yet elaborate lie– 

And like God had left her to fend for the wolves, Soohyuk had appeared in front of them, coolly seating himself on the row before her. He seemed to be with his own group of people, some familiar, some not. But his face was unreadable, unnoticing of the situation that was beginning to unravel. “Soohyuk,” Jaehee called, breathless, almost desperate. “You're here.” 

This, clearly, caught him off guard. She didn't realize how she might've sounded until it already left her. Please don't misunderstand, Jaehee seemed to plead with her eyes. Help me. 

“Soohyuk,” Eunji used to say, her attention momentarily diverted. “We missed you this morning. Where were you?”

“I had to meet someone,” he explained, cut and dry. Soohyuk eyed Jaehee carefully, then Doyoung. She hoped he remembered him, she hoped it would click. 

“Ooh, mysterious,” Eunji teased. “Let me guess, you were talking to people that could most definitely get a word in for you at their company. You don't waste time, I'm sure of it.”

“Please, do pass over their business cards if you can,” Jaehee added humorously, albeit awkwardly. She wasn't the type to joke about this. “I'll be easier on you on our upcoming exams if so.”

“Very funny,” Soohyuk exhumed, sitting himself down. He shuffled in his pockets for a bit. 

“Anyways,” Eunji seemed to continue, “Jaehee, you were introducing me to–”

“Here,” Soohyuk stirred, a hand reaching in front of them in between the cracks of the seats. A business card tucked in between his fingers. “Obviously, it would be much better if you found her and talked to her personally, but I did put in a good word for you. Alongside myself.”

“You did.” Jaehee took the business card, black cardboard. The company was Sansang Group, Lee Minji, Head of Human Resources . 

“I did. She helps with internship programs in the company alongside her department.” 

“I was just joking.” Jaehee flipped the card back to him. 

“I know you were, but I already told her about you.” Soohyuk shrugged, and Jaehee caught the way his jaw clenched from the side. “No use running back now.”

“Wow,” Doyoung gasped, having read the credentials over Jaehee's shoulder. “Sansang Group? I heard it's really hard to get in, even as an intern. It's like the C&R of electronics.”

Jaehee snorted at the comparison before gathering herself. “I appreciate the gesture, Soohyuk. But I’m very much capable of talking to people on my own.”

He turned, then, to look her in the eye. “I didn’t do it because I thought you were incapable.” 

Silence. So silent, it was almost eerie. She felt a soft shove on her shoulder, from Eunji’s side. She could feel her eyes boring into her. Then, Doyoung cleared his throat. 

“Uh, anyways,” Doyoung managed to say, holding his hand out to Eunji. “I’m Doyoung. Nice to meet you. I met Jaehee on a blind date… some months ago?” A smirk. “But I don’t think she seems to remember.”

If it were socially acceptable and ethical to swing Doyoung from the leg and turn him upside down, Jaehee would not hesitate for a second. Instead she swallowed hard, wondering exactly why she dreaded for this moment as much as it did, and why her heart was practically leaping out of her chest. 

Eunji blinked at his open palm. She could see it now – the way the name registered, the story behind it. Then, the recognition. 

“No way,” Eunji gasped, her initial shock turned to a grin, “You’re the Doyoung?”

“Eunji–”

“ The Doyoung?” He laughed, almost questioning it himself. “I sound pretty popular.”

“Jaehee’s told me a lot about you!” She motioned between the two of them for a moment – from Jaehee to Doyoung – “Well, she doesn’t tell me a lot of anything, really, but that’s how she is. But she has mentioned how well you guys were doing!”

“Oh! Look at that!” Jaehee intervened, her tone raising, her skin feeling invariably hot. “I think they’re going to start. I’d like to pay attention now.”

All three pairs of eyes pierced into her. Doyoung intrigued, Eunji delighted, Soohyuk expectant. Of what exactly, she didn't know.

Perhaps it was for her to say something, anything, but the words seemed to leave her whenever she tried to think of them. Instead, she avoided them, opening her notebook as a woman came up on the auditorium’s stage, into the podium.

“Good morning, students and esteemed guests,” she began, her voice releasing a tremble of relief through Jaehee’s spine. Whatever inevitable confrontation was impending, she would have to think about it later. “How are we all doing?”