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The worst thing about himself, Wei Wuxian knows, is that he wants. He's a greedy rat, selfish and demanding, and nothing is ever enough for him. Never has been.
He doesn't remember much from his first life, but he remembers this. He remembers wanting. So much. Too much. Everything. More than what he deserves.
He remembers wanting to feel warm on the cold nights on Yiling's streets, and when he'd found his little alleyway, hidden in the hustle of town, with a ratty blanket and box, finally providing him with warmth, he remembers wanting food. When he had food, because some shop-owner had been kind enough to give him a meat bun, he'd wanted his parents. His parents never came, but Uncle Jiang did. And when Wei Wuxian had Uncle Jiang and a warm room, with a bed (a whole bed for himself!) and good food, he'd still wanted more. He'd caused Jiang Cheng to give up his dogs, and even that hadn't been enough. He'd wanted Jiang Cheng to be his friend, for Shijie to like him. And when he had that, it still wasn't enough. He knew Madam Yu didn't like him, never had, not from the first day he'd stepped foot in Lotus Pier, and yet, he wanted her to not look at him the way she did, for her to bestow him with a smile, even if fake, even if once. But she never did. And Wei Wuxian knew that she didn't owe it to him, she'd allowed him into her home, let him eat food cooked in her kitchens, let her children talk to him, let her husband keep him there. Really, she'd done more than he deserved and yet, he still wanted more. He wanted her to not punish him even if for a day, to be proud of him even if for a moment. He never got that, but he always wanted it.
He's always been selfish, he knows that. He just hadn't known how selfish, till he met Lan Zhan. He'd wanted everything Lan Zhan would give him, and yet it never seemed enough. He'd wanted the intimacy that came with calling Lan Zhan by his birth name, and when he'd had that (no, he'd simply taken it, without regard, the right to refer to Lan Zhan with such effusive closeness that not even his own family used), he'd wanted Lan Zhan to look at him. When Lan Zhan looked at him, he wanted Lan Zhan to smile at him. After Lan Zhan had smiled at him once, Wei Wuxian never wanted Lan Zhan to smile for anyone but him.
Months passed, Wei Wuxian left the Cloud Recesses, and didn't spend as much time with Lan Zhan as he wanted to. Yet, their little encounters at discussion conferences kept him going. He knew Lan Zhan didn't like him, that he only tolerated Wei Wuxian at best because he was too polite. If Wei Wuxian would've been a good man, he'd have left Lan Zhan alone, knowing how much grief he caused the other, but Wei Wuxian was selfish. And so, he didn't. He knew Lan Zhan hated him, but Wei Wuxian wanted with his entire heart for Lan Zhan to not hate him. Even when Lan Zhan didn't know the whole truth, even when Wei Wuxian turned away from everything Lan Zhan stood for, even when Wei Wuxian broke every rule Lan Zhan lived by just by existing, and even when Wei Wuxian never explained his actions, or justified himself, so Lan Zhan could understand, Wei Wuxian wanted Lan Zhan to not hate him.
He really is so selfish, it knows no bounds. He wanted to save the Wen Remnants even when he knew Jiang Cheng couldn't support him. Wei Wuxian was the reason why Lotus Pier burned, why Jiang Cheng lost his parents, why Jiang Cheng lost his golden core when he distracted the Wen soldiers so Wei Wuxian could escape.. But, even that wasn't enough. He brought fire on Lotus Pier once again by rescuing the Wens. Really, so selfish, not even thinking of what he owed the Jiang even once. Wei Wuxian would never regret what he did, ever in his life, for saving the Wen had been the right thing to do. The fact that they had then become his family was only a blessing, but even without that, without having the familial connection, he would have never regretted standing up for justice. Wei Wuxian was proud of himself for upholding the vow he’d made, but that did not discount the fact that saving the Wen had caused problems for the Jiang. Wei Wuxian had done his best to remove his shidi from the equation by leaving the Sect, but the damage had already been done, at least in his eyes.
Wei Wuxian is the worst man Wei Wuxian knows. And then, he got even worse. Worst still, when he killed Jin Zixuan, his Shijie's husband (he was the reason his Shijie was a widow! Him!) and then when he let Wen Qing and Wen Ning and Granny and Popo and everyone else die. They died to protect him, to give him a life, but he couldn't even be grateful enough for that and then went ahead and died anyway. But, not before he was selfish once again and let his Shijie die for something he deserved. He left his A-Yuan alone to die as well, and he would have, had Lan Zhan not found him in time. More than anything else, it is these things that haunt Wei Wuxian the most. All the people who he loved, who died because of him. How A-Yuan is alive only because Lan Zhan had been there to save him.
Really, Wei Wuxian is horrible. An abhorrent, selfish, disgusting man. He doesn’t deserve a second chance, doesn’t deserve to come back to life, even for revenge, when so many others who died for him and because of him have no second chance. He most definitely does not deserve for Lan Zhan to love him so fiercely for so long that he has scars to prove it. He doesn't deserve for Lan Sizhui to greet him with his happy smiles and his respectful manners. Not when Wei Wuxian is the reason that Lan Zhan has scars, actual literal scars on his back (Wei Wuxian doesn't think he deserves even an iota of that loyalty) and definitely not when he is the reason that Lan Sizhui's entire biological family is dead.
Yet, he has them, and yet, like always, he still wants. More. More. More. Nothing is ever enough for Wei Wuxian. This is his worst sin, out of all. He's seen how his selfishness has cost people their entire lives, but even that hasn't been enough to teach him. Because despite everything, he still wants more. Truly, Wei Wuxian is the worst man Wei Wuxian knows. And he always will be.
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Moving into the Jingshi, the Cloud Recesses, is perhaps the most selfless thing Wei Wuxian has ever done, and in part, even that is extremely selfish. The Cloud Recesses is stifling for him, with the 4000 rules (four thousand!!) and the contempt of most of the elders. Even if Lan Qiren begrudgingly accepts him as a part of his family, even if Lan Xichen is genuinely trying to forge a bond with his new brother-in-law, fresh out of seclusion, and even if Lan Jingyi is positively ecstatic that Wei Wuxian now lives with him, it’s somehow not enough.
He may have Lan Qiren’s reluctant acceptance, but that is not the case with the other elders of the sect. They still turn their nose up when they see him. They have long memories and Wei Wuxian does not begrudge them that. But, it hurts. He literally died to pay for his sins, and even that has not been enough for people to forgive him. He knows it’s selfish (always selfish, selfish, selfish) to want this, to want forgiveness, a new start, when he is the reason why so many people will never see theirs. He understands that he deserves all the hate he gets. He absolutely does. But that does not make it hurt less.
And then, there is the rule. It takes Wei Wuxian a while to realize that such a rule exists. It's not like a lot of people interact with him in his new home, outside of his immediate family. So he doesn’t even realize something has changed till the one cook in the kitchen who has always greeted him with big smiles frantically turns away the second he sees him approaching three days in a row. And that’s when he learns of it. Interacting with Wei Wuxian is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.
It is a punch to the gut, just how unwanted he is. Wei Wuxian knows that he wants too much, but what he wants the most is a home. A place to call his own. Something he has not really had his entire life. At Lotus Pier, it had always been painfully obvious that he was an outsider. Madam Yu never let him forget. At the Burial Mounds, it had been better, but he wasn’t completely family, wasn’t a Dafan Wen. No matter how hard he tried, he could never have that shared history with the rest of the people he called family.
Marrying Lan Zhan had been the easy choice. Coming to Cloud Recesses had been not. Lan Zhan, the thoughtful husband that he is, had offered for them to make a home elsewhere, but where? Wei Wuxian has no home to speak of, and The Cloud Recesses has been Lan Zhan’s home forever. Where would they even go? So, to Cloud Recesses they go. And Wei Wuxian harbours a little hope in his heart, nurtures yet more want… Maybe, this time round, the Cloud Recesses will be his home too.
It is painfully obvious, very quickly, that it will not, not entirely. Wei Wuxian relishes in the peace and quiet of it, having spent almost his entire life in noise and chaos. It brings him peace he didn’t think possible. He likes it, he loves it. But, everything else is not. The rules keep suffocating him. So many of them. How is he even expected to abide by them all? Lan Zhan does his best to make things better. He overlooks when Wei Wuxian breaks the rules, even indulges him when it comes to it. But, Wei Wuxian is disappointed in himself nonetheless. He should be able to follow these rules, and if he cannot, he should train himself to do so.
Try as he might, he is unable to. No matter how hard he tries to be a good Lan, he can’t. There are too many rules, too many restrictions, too many expectations. He cannot fulfil them all, no matter how much he wants to. And there it is again. The want. The desire. He wants to be a good Lan, a member of the family. He wants to make his husband proud. But, as he soon learns, he cannot, again. Not where this is concerned anyway.
He knows, fundamentally, that the rules of the Cloud Recesses are entirely everything that he is not, can never be. Yet, it does not stop him from wanting. He hates the rules, sometimes he hates the Cloud Recesses too. Yet still, he cannot stop himself from wanting this, if only for his husband. And it hurts. It hurts so much that he is unable to do this, to give his husband this one happiness that he knows will mean the world to Lan Zhan. He knows that Lan Zhan loves him for who he is, as he is. He has never once questioned Lan Zhan’s love. He knows that Lan Zhan doesn’t expect him to follow the rules, that he will love Wei Wuxian just the same even if he breaks every single rule at the Cloud Recesses. But, he also sees the quiet pride in Lan Zhan’s eyes when he looks at Sizhui following the rules - when Sizhui never runs, when he declines alcohol, when he is always soft spoken and polite, not raising his voice, even when they aren’t in the Cloud Recesses. He knows that Lan Zhan raised Sizhui and it is natural for him to be proud of the man Sizhui has become, but a small part of Wei Wuxian wants Lan Zhan to look at him with that same pride reflected in his eyes because Wei Wuxian has successfully followed the Lan rules. He knows it is entirely fruitless after he learns of the rule because even if he somehow manages to follow all other rules as stifling as they are, impossible as it sounds, he can never follow that one particular rule made just for him, and his heart breaks.
_____________________________________________
It seems, nowadays, everything hurts Wei Wuxian. But, nothing hurts him more than being Wei-qianbei. In another life, he might’ve welcomed the title, worn it like a badge of honour. Sometimes, he still does. In the broad daylight, in front of others, outside the privacy of his own home, one that he is trying to make with Lan Zhan, the title leaves him warm and happy and accepted. He loves it.
But, when the same title is carried into his home, over quiet dinners with what is supposed to be his family, it hurts. Everything hurts. Nothing hurts more than A-Yuan. His sweet little A-Yuan who Wei Wuxian has loved since the moment he saw the child, who he has loved in two lifetimes, through death and pain and loss and grief. The one thing in the world that Wei Wuxian has always been sure of has been his love for the child he thinks of as his son.
When A-Yuan is Lan Sizhui, the Sect Heir of GusuLan, Wei Wuxian loves that he is addressed as Wei-qianbei. Feels honoured to be worthy of such a title being bestowed upon him. But, when A-Yuan is Lan Yuan, his child, in their home, where Lan Zhan is Fuqin, and yet, he is still Wei-qianbei, it feels like someone has ripped his heart out from his chest and left it lying on the floor. It feels like someone is removing his golden core, again, and he is helpless as he watches, unable to do anything to stop the pain, because he chose this.
Wei Wuxian is selfish and shameless, he admits, but even he is not shameless enough to think that he deserves to be called any variant of the term father by A-Yuan, even if A-Yuan has always been his son. He doesn’t have a face thick enough to even think that. He doesn’t want to be called Baba or A-Die or Papa. He just wants to be Xian-gege. He had been, once. He wants it again.
He isn’t entirely sure why A-Yuan refuses to call him that, and he is afraid to know the answer, so after a few attempts of asking A-Yuan to call him Xian-gege and all of them failing, he’s stopped asking. He doesn’t want A-Yuan to be pressured into anything he is not comfortable with and he fears that if he keeps asking, A-Yuan will give in just to appease Wei Wuxian and not because it's what he wants. A-Yuan has already had a lot of choices taken away from him. This will not be one more.
It doesn’t matter how much it hurts Wei Wuxian if A-Yuan is happy. That’s the only thing he ever wanted. For A-Yuan to be happy, for him to be healthy, have a good life, one that he deserves. One that Wei Wuxian would never have been able to give him, not at the Burial Mounds. One that Lan Zhan has. Wei Wuxian knows he’ll never be as good as Lan Zhan, not in anything, and most of the time, he’s proud of his husband for being such a distinguished cultivator, for being such an honourable man. For being Hanguang-jun. But, this is the one time he hates it. He hates that Lan Zhan was able to do for A-Yuan what he had wanted to do, so desperately, but had always known he wouldn’t be able to.
Is it any wonder that A-Yuan doesn’t think of him as a father? Even discounting all these years that Wei Wuxian has been dead (dead), what had he even done when he was with A-Yuan? He’d only given A-Yuan a home full of resentful energy, a half-filled stomach, a stone for a bed, ragged clothes that did nothing to stave off the cold. He hadn’t even been able to provide A-Yuan the basic necessities that every human deserved. No proper roof over his head, not enough food for a growing child, no woollen clothes to keep him warm. Wei Wuxian hadn’t been able to do the bare minimum, forget any luxuries such as toys or books or an education. He’d had an abundance of love for A-Yuan, he still does, but when has love ever been enough?
Wei Wuxian has always had a wealth of love for the people in his life, but it has never been enough. Nothing he's had to offer has been enough. He gave his heart to Lan Zhan before he even knew what it meant, even if he didn't know he had, that first night on the rooftop, his body to Jiang Cheng, when he cut his own golden core out to put into his, and his soul to all of them - Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng, Shijie, the Wen - when he took up demonic cultivation just to stay alive and then use it to protect them.
And yet, it hadn't been enough. Not for Lan Zhan who only thought his use of demonic cultivation as descent into unrighteousness. Not for Jiang Cheng who only saw his refusal to use his sword as a slight to the Jiang. Not for the Wen and his beloved Shijie who'd paid for everything with their lives.
Wei Wuxian knows love is never enough, and has experienced it enough times in his first life. And yet, it hurts him that love isn't enough, because he doesn't have anything else to offer. No money, no riches - for he is dirt poor on his own without his husband's support, and no name either - for the name Wei is tainted by the Yiling Patriarch.
Wei Wuxian has nothing, is nothing, but wholly love. And love has never been enough. If it wasn't enough for his martial siblings, who grew up with him, who knew him better than he knew himself, how could he expect it to be enough for his son, when he's been in his son's life for less than a year and his son has spent most of his life without him? Has grown up with no memory of the man who used to bury him like a radish, who tucked him to sleep every night, who he ran to whenever he wanted something, who he sought out when he was scared? Wei Wuxian feels like he has a lifetime worth of memories of his A-Yuan and they're still not enough. But A-Yuan? A-Yuan, Sizhui, has less than that. He has some obscure memories he's finally recovered, an interaction here, a hug there. It can't even begin to compete with the amount of memories Wei Wuxian carries close to his heart, guarding them like the most precious thing he has. So, then, how can he even expect anything from Sizhui? To Sizhui, Wei Wuxian is a stranger. A fun uncle, perhaps, who he'd met a handful times in his childhood and then promptly forgotten. Sizhui doesn't mourn the years he lost with his Wei-qianbei the way Wei Wuxian agonizes over every second he lost with his son.
Sizhui shouldn't be expected to either. Really, Wei Wuxian is nowhere qualified to be a father, and he'll never be as good a parent as Lan Zhan already is. It all makes sense in Wei Wuxian's mind, that Sizhui doesn't see him the way he wishes, but it's his heart that’s the problem. Always that damn, traitorous heart that wants more. Wants and wants and wants. Just like now, just like always.
Wei Wuxian just never learns. He's always selfish, always greedy, always wanting. So, it's no wonder when it comes to bite him in the ass. Truthfully, he's surprised it takes so long.
__________________________
It's a normal day in the Cloud Recesses when it happens. Wei Wuxian wakes up before mao shi, like he has been for a while, nightmares plaguing his sleep. Wei Wuxian doesn't sleep much these days, because when he sleeps, he dreams. He dreams of his shijie dying, of Wen Qing dying, of A-Yuan dying too. On the very bad days, his dreams show a reality where Lan Zhan didn't wait for Wei Wuxian, and he came back to Lan Zhan happily married to someone else.
Wei Wuxian always wakes up with a start, his breath leaving him in pants, his body drenched in sweat. Lan Zhan always knows how to calm him down, the amazing husband that he is. Wei Wuxian never tells his husband what his nightmares are. He’s afraid that talking about them out loud might make them come true and he doesn’t want to take any chances. Lan Zhan, thankfully, is endlessly patient when it comes to him and doesn’t ask for any details. Instead, he pulls Wei Wuxian closer and hums the melody he wrote for Wei Wuxian so long ago.
Wangxian as Wei Wuxian now knows it’s called (his husband is such a romantic and Wei Wuxian loves him for it), had seen him through his toughest nights at the Burial Mounds. It’s comforting that this one thing hadn’t changed in his new life. The song still calms him better than anything else. Today is one such night.
Today, Wei Wuxian dreamt of the Wen, the only family he’s had that loved him for who he is, completely & unconditionally. They were the only ones who saw his demonic cultivation and embraced it as a protection, which it was, instead of the crooked path everyone else saw. They were there for him during some of the roughest times of his life, always ready to help in any way possible. They had brought him his A-Yuan, his pride and joy. He would be forever grateful to them for all they’d done, for giving him a semblance of peace in those last days before the end. He didn’t know what he’d have done if not for them.
To see that same family, the one he loved so vigorously, die a painful death over and over, was gut wrenching - a painful reminder of his failure, of loss. He’d vowed to protect them all but had failed so miserably. Their screams still echoed in his ears, never to be forgotten, a constant reminder that he should have done better, should have been better. He had failed them once already, but to relive that failure every night broke his very soul. He would never fail them again, he’d sworn. By some miracle, by Lan Zhan’s miracle, A-Yuan was still alive. He had Wen Ning back too. And he would not let any harm come to them anymore. Not ever, even if he died a thousand deaths to make it happen. He would do it all without a single thought, without any regret.
With his vow renewed afresh after that nightmare, Wei Wuxian is in for a long day. He’s no stranger to this sinking feeling in his chest, long since accustomed to it, one of the few things he carried on from his first life. He’ll do his best to power through anyway. A-Yuan and A-Ning have been invited over for dinner, a little family tradition they’ve started recently, to share at least one meal in a week. With Lan Zhan and A-Yuan so busy with their duties, it is a little difficult, but they somehow manage.
“How are you, Xian-Ge?” A-Ning asks, making Wei Wuxian smile. He had finally gotten A-Ning to drop the formalities with him. They were brothers in all but blood and the title only seemed to increase the distance between them, a fact that Wei Wuxian despised.
“I’m good,” Wei Wuxian replied, “been meditating a lot.”
“Meditating?” A-Yuan echoed. “I was under the impression that meditation didn’t help you as a cultivation tool. Didn’t you tell me that?”
“I haven’t been meditating to cultivate my golden core, A-Yuan,” Wei Wuxian laughed.
“Do you miss your sister, Xian-Ge?” Wen Ning interjected.
“Of course I miss her, A-Ning,” Wei Wuxian replied, smiling. “It’s her birthday in a couple of days, isn’t it?”
A-Ning smiled, as wide as he could. His expression softened immediately at the implication of Wei Wuxian’s words, a fact that pleased Wuxian greatly. “The first one since I’ve been conscious,” he answered.
“And the first one since I’m alive,” Wei Wuxian completed. “We should do something for her, shouldn’t we?”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan answered. “Should honour Wen-daifu the way she deserves.”
“It’s Qing-Gugu’s birthday?” A-Yuan asked, startled. Every new piece of information about his family seemed to unlock a visceral reaction in him. The way Wei Wuxian himself had thirsted for the slightest knowledge about his own parents, he understood. Only, he hadn’t been as lucky as A-Yuan is. A-Yuan had him and A-Ning, both of whom were ready to talk about their family. Wei Wuxian had no one who he could turn to. And wasn’t that a pity? That someone in A-Yuan’s situation - a mere boy who had lost his family to the hateful bigotry of the world he lived in - was somehow luckier than him.
“It is,” Wei Wuxian stated. “She always wanted to eat tanghulu on her birthday, the one sweet she liked… but we never had any money to buy it,” he added wistfully. It had been another one of his regrets - not being able to do something as little as buying a sweet for the woman who he considered his elder sister.
“Will buy lots of it for her,” Lan Zhan stated, his tone broking no argument.
“Thank you, Han—Hanguang-Jun,” A-Ning expressed his gratitude. “That is very nice of you. Jiejie would love that.”
“Wei-qianbei,” A-Yuan stated, addressing him with the moniker he both hated and loved so much, “do you always meditate when you miss Qing-Gugu?”
“Not just your Qing-Gugu,” he told his little radish. “You know I have trouble sitting in one place, I always have. It’s why meditation doesn’t help me in cultivating a golden core because I can never concentrate long enough or hard enough… but… you have to understand, A-Yuan, your qianbei has lost a lot of family over the years. Sometimes, when it gets too much, I need to step away. Meditation helps with that.”
“I remember when we lived at the Mounds,” A-Ning offered. “How you would shut yourself in your cave when you missed Jiang-guniang or Lan-er-gongzi. No one would be able to get you out apart from A-Yuan.”
Wei Wuxian laughed. It was true. When it would get really difficult for him to go on, when shijie’s absence hurt him like the loss of a limb, or Lan Zhan’s memories haunted him like a ghost, ensnaring him in their clutches, making it difficult for him to think of anything or anyone else, he would often retreat to the safety of his cave. There was a small alcove, deep in the corner of the cave. Whenever Wei Wuxian went there, everyone in the settlement knew to leave him alone. Everyone, that is, apart from his little baby, who would always find him and bring him back because he wanted to play or eat food or go into town or even just for a hug or a snuggle because he missed his Xian-Gege so much. Wei Wuxian had been helpless every single time.
“We called you the Wei Wuxian Whisperer,” A-Ning continued, the stars in A-Yuan’s eyes widening at the title. “We could always count on you to get Xian-Ge to do your bidding. Whenever he refused to take his medicines or he spent too long working, Jiejie would send you and he’d just do whatever you asked in the next second.”
“Ahhh, well… couldn’t let my little radish down, could I?” Wei Wuxian laughed, trying to make light of the situation. He didn’t want their past relationship to be a burden of any sort on A-Yuan. He didn’t want A-Yuan to think that just because at one point the two of them had been so close, practically father and son, did not mean he expected a similar relationship now, with all these years between them. It was enough for him that A-Yuan had readily accepted Wei Wuxian as a part of his family.
A-Yuan smiled brightly at him and Wei Wuxian’s heart thawed. That smile. Just that brilliant smile on his son’s face was enough for him. He would spend his entire life in this limbo if it meant A-Yuan would smile at him like that. He would be content being Wei-qianbei, being Fuqin’s husband, and nothing else. It was enough that A-Yuan seemed to care about him and respect him. He didn’t need anything else. He had his husband, his sort of son, and his pseudo brother. Really, what else could he ask for?
The meal for the day was soup, like always, but it was layered with radishes, which was an extremely rare occurrence. They generally ate green leaves and potatoes. Wei Wuxian had grown to like the food, after it had been laden with a large amount of chilli oil, of course. The radishes brought back memories for him, especially with A-Ning around. How many times had he argued with Qing-Jie to plant potatoes instead of radishes only for her to never give in? He wished she was around now, to see him gorge himself on potatoes regularly. He’d get a kick out of her misery at his exuberance. He knew he would. But, Qing-Jie wasn’t here, would never be here… and that thought was too painful, like it always was. It was so difficult for him to process everything that had happened. For the world, more than a decade had passed. For him, it had been mere months. He was having trouble reconciling the world he’d left to the world he’d come back to. It would take some time, but he would get used to it. He had to. There was no other choice.
As he dug in, he saw that Lan Zhan was silently plucking all the radishes out of A-Yuan’s bowl and putting them in his own, piling A-Yuan’s soup with the leafy side dish. “I don’t like radishes,” A-Yuan said by way of explanation. “Fuqin is kind enough to not let me eat them.”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan murmured. “Sizhui should not eat food he does not like.”
“Of course he shouldn’t!” Wei Wuxian agreed. “Your Fuqin is the best, A-Yuan! I’m glad you had him to raise you, and that he didn’t force you to eat the vegetables you don’t like. But, you did eat some vegetables, didn’t you? How else would you have grown up so strong and wise?”
“Wei-qianbei is too kind,” A-Yuan replied. Wei Wuxian grinned, but a piece of his heart had shattered. He knew it was irrational and didn’t make sense, but emotions rarely did. To him, A-Yuan’s dislike for radishes only widened the chasm between them. Was it because he had been forced to eat too many of them as a child? Had their poverty and inability to grow anything other than radishes made A-Yuan dislike it? It was just another way in which he’d failed his son. He should really stop referring to Sizhui as that, shouldn’t he? He had not done anything a father should do for his son. Just loving him wasn’t enough. Would never be enough. Lan Zhan was A-Yuan’s father, and he had every right to be. He was wise and righteous and dependable unlike Wei Wuxian.
The conversation was stilted after that, with the Lan following their rule of no talking while eating, and Wei Wuxian not in the mood to talk after the disaster that had been his entire day. Throughout dinner, Wei Wuxian did his best to maintain his calm facade, to not let the others see how affected he was, not just by the nightmare last night, but also with whatever A-Yuan and A-Ning had talked about. Wei Wuxian was too overwhelmed with everything that had transpired and he was scared that if he thought too much about it, he would end up in a pool of tears right there in the middle of their meal on the floor. So, he kept his mouth shut and his head down, and focused on methodically chewing the rice and downing it with the soup. Chew. Drink. Repeat.
If the others noted his silence, they didn’t comment on it, and for that he was grateful. He wouldn’t be able to handle this at all. Thankfully, the rest of the meal passed without any fanfare and then, A-Yuan and A-Ning were saying their goodbyes for the night. Once Wei Wuxian closed the door behind them, he slumped against it, falling to the ground. And then, Wei Wuxian cried.
________________________
Any plans for Wen Qing’s birthday celebration were thrown out of the window when a missive arrived, requesting help urgently. It was a resentful spirit, so Wei Wuxian volunteered his services, agreeing to lead the juniors on the hunt. It would give him some time to spend with A-Yuan, who had been going on a lot of nighthunts recently, and that was an added incentive for Wei Wuxian to participate. So, off they went.
“Thank you for letting me accompany you,” he told A-Yuan.
“Of course,” A-Yuan replied. “I am happy that you volunteered. I really like spending time with you, Wei-Qianbei.”
“Aiyahhhh!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed. “Do you Lan have to be so sincere all the time? My heart can’t take it!”
A-Yuan chuckled. “You’ll get used to it,” he responded.
After a few minutes of companionable silence, A-Yuan asked, “It’s Qing-Gugu’s birthday today, is it not?”
When Wei Wuxian hummed in affirmation, he continued, “Shouldn’t you have stayed back then? You had plans with Ning-Shushu.”
“I can see A-Ning later, A-Yuan. When the missive came, I knew I had to go. A-Ning understands. And I’m sure Qing-Jie would have my head if I just let you go alone like this,” Wei Wuxian joked.
“This is just one resentful spirit, qianbei,” A-Yuan protested. “I could have handled it.”
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. And, if it’s an easy nighthunt, think of it as a picnic. Just you spending time with this qianbei of yours. We’ll have fun, won’t we?” Wei Wuxian cheered. It would be a quick and easy fix, and they might even get back home with time to spare for the tanghulu Lan Zhan had promised to buy them all.
But, nothing is easy in Wei Wuxian’s life, and this wasn’t either. They had sorely underestimated the threat and were now being outmanoeuvred by the spirit.
I know what you seek, the spirit whispered into the air. What you resent. So much resentment in your heart, Loazu, isn’t there?
“NO! There is no resentment!” Wei Wuxia cried.
Oh, but there is, the spirit answered. I have seen your heart, Loazu. I know what you crave.
“You don’t know anything!” Wei Wuxian spit out.
Is that so? The spirit taunted. Do you not wish for a home? For the son of your heart to recognize you as his father? For the rule to be abolished? What was it? Interacting with Wei Wuxian is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.
“Stop trying to manipulate me!” Wei Wuxian shouted, but it was no use. He knew that the spirit knew. It was true. His heart’s deepest desires, all out in the open. He looked at A-Yuan, who looked almost stricken at the spirit’s words. Wei Wuxian’s own desperation giving away the truth of those words.
How can you help me, Laozu, when you haven’t even been able to help yourself? The spirit asked. Leave. You cannot save me.
“I can!” Wei Wuxian cried. “I can and I will!”
Too late for that And then, the spirit lunged. Not at him, but at A-Yuan. Sizhui. His son.
Wei Wuxian jumped in the middle purely out of instinct. There was only one thought running through his head and that was to save A-Yuan, to not let him come to harm. He brought his flute to his lips and played a haunting melody, trying to block the attacks and succeeding partially. Sizhui wasn’t harmed, but he was. As the spirit finally came to rest, Wei Wuxian noted the blood that had started dripping from his nose. He suddenly felt light headed and swayed, falling to the floor.
He thought he heard Sizhui call for him, but he must’ve been dreaming, because the voice that sounded too much like his A-Yuan was crying out for Baba and not Wei-Qianbei. That wouldn’t be A-Yuan. Eager hands ran all over his face and he felt someone place his head on their lap, but he couldn’t see who. As he lost his consciousness, his last thought was that Qing-Jie would be very proud of him for saving their A-Yuan. With that knowledge, he felt better, and didn’t fight the darkness that overtook him.
____________________
When Wei Wuxian came to, he was back in the Cloud Recesses, at the Medical Pavilion by the looks of it. Those white walls and the pungent odour in the air were proof enough. Wei Wuxian had spent enough time in Wen Qing’s companionship, and even before, with the healers at Lotus Pier, to ever mistake that smell.
“Wa—water,” he croaked out, bringing the attention of Lan Zhan, who had been sitting close by on him.
“Wei Ying!” Lan Zhan exclaimed in a low voice, immediately moving closer and pulling him into a tight hug.
“Ah, I’m sorry I worried you, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian cried. “I didn’t mean to. It was just… A-Yuan… I had to… LAN ZHAN!” He shouted, remembering what had transpired just before he passed out. “A-Yuan! How is he? Is he okay? Where is he?” He fired questions one after the other.
“Sizhui is fine,” Lan Zhan replied. “Wei Ying suffered most damage. Sizhui has been here the entire time, but sent him away to sleep a few hours ago.”
“How long has it been then? Since we got back?” Wei Wuxian asked.
“Been two days. Sizhui would not leave, would not sleep. Xiongzhang had to force him today,” Lan Zhan explained. “But he is okay. Some minor cuts and bruises.”
“Oh, okay… what? What exactly happened?” Wei Wuxian questioned.
“Wei Ying lost consciousness after dispelling the spirit. Sizhui sent a signal flare. Saw it and fetched you immediately,” Lan Zhan told him.
“You drained a lot of your energy in fighting the spirit, Wei-gongzi,” Lan Rong, the head healer, said, entering the room. “It is a mercy that Hanguang-Jun was able to get to you in time. Any longer and your recovery might have been too long.”
Wei Wuxian was startled by the revelation but turned to Lan Zhan to express his gratitude. “Then this one is indeed extremely lucky! Thank you, Lan Zhan!”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan replied. “No need for thank you or sorry,” he repeated, as he always did. “Wangji is the lucky one to have Wei Ying.”
“LAN ZHAN!” Wei Wuxian cried out. “How many times do I have to tell you? Give me a warning. My poor heart really cannot take it!”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan dismissed his protests.
“You should rest for the next few days, Wei-gongzi. Take it easy. There is no need to exert yourself,” Lan Rong stated.
“I will,” Wei Wuxian promised. “Thank you, Lan-daifu.”
Lan Rong nodded and left, giving the couple privacy, but also likely, not wanting to interact with Wei Wuxian more than strictly necessary. They still had the rule after all. Wei Wuxian could imagine Lan Rong would punish himself by copying their rules for talking to him. It surprised him, how the rule crept up in such subtle ways when he was least expecting it. And what he hated more was that he still wasn’t used to it. After all these months, shouldn’t he be used to it? Shouldn’t he come to accept this as a part of his life? But he hadn’t been able to.
It was a small concession to make, to live with the rule, if it made his husband happy. He knew that Lan Zhan loved him, and if he said the word, would happily relocate, but this was his home. Having lost his home many times over, Wei Wuxian never wanted to be the reason that his husband lost his. If staying in Cloud Recesses meant putting up with the rule, he would. But, he couldn’t deny that having such a rule hurt. How could it not?
Some days, he couldn’t think of anything but the hypocrisy of it. The Lan hailed themselves the most righteous sect of all, but what was the righteousness in forbidding simply talking to someone? Especially after it had been proven that every allegation against him had been false? When it was proven that he hadn’t had a hand in Jin Zixuan’s murder, that he hadn’t cursed Jin Zixun, that everything he’d been blamed for was Jin Guangyao’s doing, and him a mere scapegoat? Why was it okay for him to use his cultivation to win them a war, but not otherwise? Why did they get to decide how he should live his life? Who gave them the right to control him like a puppet this way?
The hypocrisy of the Lan had always been rather obvious to him, clear even in his days as a teenager. He remembered, copying rules in the library as punishment, always questioning how so many rules contradicted each other. Do not argue with family, for it doesn’t matter who wins they said. Do not hold grudges they ordained. And yet, they also said Interacting with Wei Wuxian is forbidden. Was he not a part of their family by marriage? Were they not holding a grudge against him for things he didn’t even do? Shoulder the weight of morality they had engraved on their walls. And yet, had anyone ever accepted their part in the siege laid to his home that killed his entire family? That killed Sizhui’s family. Never.
Sometimes, the Cloud Recesses suffocated him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe under the weight of the rules. He picked and chose which ones to follow and which not, but still, seeing that wall everyday, seeing the rule everyday, made it difficult for him. He tried hard to hide his feelings of hurt and disappointment, but he suspected that Lan Zhan knew anyway. He knew that things had been tense between Lan Zhan and his uncle ever since the rule had come into existence, but despite his constant reassurances that he was fine and that Lan Zhan shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, Lan Zhan had not mended relations with Lan Qiren. He had stopped actively bringing up his distaste for the rule and his wish to see it removed, yes, but he had not forgiven his uncle for allowing the rule to exist in the first place.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t say he didn’t understand. Wasn’t he himself mad at Lan Qiren as well? Wei Wuxian might have been able to forgive Lan-Xiansheng any slight made against his person, but he would never forgive the man for the scars on his husband’s back, for the three of years of solitude his husband was forced to endure, for the three years the son of his heart grew up without his father. He couldn’t. So, he could understand why Lan Zhan wasn’t ready to forgive his uncle for this.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan called, pulling Wei Wuxian out of his thoughts. “Food,” Lan Zhan said once he was looking at his husband.
Wei Wuxian grinned and made to sit up, only now realising just how hungry he was, when Lan Zhan shook his head and gently pushed Wei Ying back on the bed. Then, Lan Zhan, the precious husband that he is, fed Wei Wuxian, gently guiding the spoon into his mouth and angling his head slightly to help him swallow the broth. Suffice to say, Wei Wuxian felt very loved in that moment.
After Lan Zhan finished feeding him, he said, “Wei Ying… Sizhui wishes to see you when you are amenable.”
“Of course!” Wei Wuxian agreed instantly. “Any time. I want to see him too. Make sure he’s okay.”
“I shall send for him,” Lan Zhan replied. It doesn’t even take a few minutes, and suddenly, Wei Wuxian is enveloped in a sea of white, desperate arms clinging to him tight.
“Baba,” A-Yuan cried. “I am so sorry! I should have been more careful!”
Wei Wuxian knew that his A-Yuan was saying something, but he hadn't heard a single word after Baba. His son had really called him that, hadn’t he? He looked up to see A-Ning staring at him with a soft smile on his face. On meeting his gaze, A-Ning gave a nod, answering his unspoken question. Yes, he’d heard right. A-Yuan had called him Baba.
“A-Yuan,” he began, trying his best to keep his voice steady, “what did you say?”
“I should have been more careful! I’m so sorry! You got hurt because of me!” A-Yuan replied. “I am so, so, so sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Wei Wuxian rebuffed immediately. He did want to talk about the moniker he was finally granted, but pacifying A-Yuan was much more important in the moment. “It wasn’t your fault, A-Yuan,” he repeated. “Don’t feel guilty. It was a nighthunt. Such things happen. There is no use in blaming yourself. Did you attack me? No. So whatever happened was not your fault!”
“But you jumped in, getting hit by an attack meant for me. One I should have seen coming but did not,” A-Yuan protested.
“As I should,” Wei Wuxian waved his concerns off. “You’re my little radish. You didn’t think I would just stand there and let you get hurt, did you?”
“Baba,” A-Yuan wept retchedly, hugging Wei Wuxian once more.
“Aiyahhhh, A-Yuan!” Wei Wuxian sighed, hugging him back, but also wanting to make things clear. He had somewhat gotten his bearings about him now, and could guess that A-Yuan’s insistence at calling him Baba might have more to do with what the spirit had said than his own wish. It would be just like him to feel guilty and try to make things better, especially after Wei Wuxian had taken a blow aimed at him.
“A-Yuan,” he repeated. “Listen to me, radish. Please.”
A-Yuan obediently pulled back, giving Wei Wuxian his complete attention.
“You do not have to feel guilty about anything, A-Yuan. I didn’t sacrifice anything for you. I didn’t step in because of the goodness of my heart. What I did was extremely selfish. I was acting on instinct, more than anything else. I know it’s been a while and you don’t remember it clearly, but I have always thought of you as my son, A-Yuan. How could I stand there and let my son get hurt?” He asked.
Not giving A-Yuan a chance to respond, he continued. “But, just because I feel this way doesn’t mean you do, too, A-Yuan. A lot of time has passed since then, and you have a family now, one that has stood by you. You don’t remember me as a father figure in your life, and that is completely okay. I don’t expect you to do so. Please don’t feel obligated to call me something other than what you wish, just because of what the spirit said, or because you think I got hurt while saving you. That’s not how this works. I’m your elder. It is my job to protect you, and I did just that. You don’t have to repay me by calling me Baba when you don’t want to.”
A-Yuan was looking absolutely devastated at his words, but Wei Wuxian persisted, knowing it was important to get it out in the open. He didn’t want to leave it be and then see things escalate. It would be better to nip it in the bud before he got too used to it. His complacency and his desire shouldn’t be a burden for his son to carry.
“That’s not why!” A-Yuan cried. “I didn’t call you Baba because of that. I called you Baba because that’s who you are. You’re my father, just as much as Fuqin is.”
“But, you’ve never… You always called me Wei-Qianbei, even when we were alone,” Wei Wuxian pointed out. “You never even called me Xian-Ge despite me asking you to!”
“Because I didn’t want to call you that,” A-Yuan replied. “I wanted to call you Baba, but you always insisted on Xian-Ge, and I thought that… well, I thought that you didn’t think of me as your son, so I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings.”
“I was the one who didn’t want to burden you with my feelings!” Wei Wuxian burst out.
“Wei Ying and Sizhui both did not want to hurt each other, and so they hid things,” Lan Zhan interrupted. “It was wrong, but the matter is settled. Sizhui wishes to call Wei Ying Baba. Does Wei Ying have a problem with that?”
“Absolutely not! I would love nothing more!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, hugging A-Yuan.
“I know one thing you would love more, Baba,” A-Yuan muttered into his embrace.
“Oh, yeah? What? Chilli oil?” Wei Wuxian teased.
“Abolishing the rule,” A-Yuan replied.
“A-Yuan… don’t,” Wei Wuxian sighed, not wanting to get into those matters.
“Baba, it’s not fair! That rule is not fair. It ostracises you from the rest of the clan. How will you ever make a home in a place where even talking with you is forbidden?” A-Yuan questioned. “All you want, more than anything else in the world, is to have a home. I know that now, Baba. You’ve lost so many homes already, and you had hoped the Cloud Recesses could be your home now, but that’s not the case, is it? The Elders always look down on you, the juniors are scared to interact with you because of the rule, Granduncle only accepts you grudgingly to keep Fuqin here. How can this be a home for you when you’re not accepted here? Baba deserves a home full of love and happiness. Not this compromise.”
“A-Yuan!” Wei Wuxian reprimanded. “Don’t speak on matters you don’t fully comprehend. The Cloud Recesses is my home. It’s my husband’s home. How can it not be mine?”
“The Cloud Recesses in not home,” Lan Zhan interjected. “Wangji’s home is Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan! Have a care for my poor, fragile heart!” Wei Wuxian cried.
“Wei Ying must be used to it by now,” Lan Zhan replied cheekily, making Wei Wuxian laugh. His husband was too funny.
“Sizhui is right,” Lan Zhan added a moment later, his tone losing any playfulness it had the minute before. “Wei Ying is not accepted in the Cloud Recesses the way he should be. Wen Ning is not allowed inside as much as he should be. The Cloud Recesses is creating a distance between Wen Ning and his family. That is not acceptable.”
“Lan Zhan, what are you even saying? Are you suggesting we move?” Wei Wuxian asked.
“Mn,” Lan Zhan replied.
“But how? You have duties. A-Yuan has duties! I’m not leaving either of you!” Wei Wuxian cried.
Lan Zhan tried to say something, but Wei Wuxian interrupted. “No. This is the end of this discussion. You can’t leave the Cloud Recesses, so I can’t either. We’ll just have to make more trips to Caiyi to see A-Ning, won’t we?”
A-Ning nodded in approval, a soft smile lighting his face. In that moment, with his husband and his son at his side, his brother smiling at him, Wei Wuxian finally felt absolute peace for the first time in his life.
________________________
In the end, it isn’t difficult. Lan Wangji convinces Wei Ying to move to Caiyi. It is near enough that Lan Wangji and Sizhui can attend to their duties, but far enough to let Wei Ying thrive. And thrive he does. Wei Ying has planted a small garden in the backyard of their modest home, just big enough to house the two of them and Sizhui, Wen Ning’s own home only a few minutes’ walk away.
In the morning, Lan Wangji wakes up first, as he always does, and let’s his husband sleep in while he cooks them breakfast and gives his sleeping husband a bath. The couple always breaks their fast together, Sizhui joining them often, before Lan Wangji and Sizhui make the trek up the mountain to the Cloud Recesses. Once they’re gone, Wei Ying practises his sword forms, building up his golden core. After he’s done with practise, he tends to the garden along with Wen Ning. In the afternoon, the two of them go into town for a meal and then spend time teaching kids the basics of cultivation and arithmetic. Once classes are done, Wei Ying sets up a stall to sell his talismans. Lan Wangji usually returns by the time Wei Ying is all sold out of his wares and then the two of them walk back home, telling each other about their day. They cook together, getting a meal ready in time for their son to join them. After a hearty dinner, they retire to their room, Wei Ying working on his inventions and Lan Wangji catching up on paperwork. They indulge in their everyday before going to sleep.
“Good night, xingan,” Wei Ying murmurs as they settle for bed.
“See you tomorrow, beloved,” Lan Wangji replies. And then, he falls asleep with his beloved in his arms, happy and content, their son only one door away. His brother is recovering and his Uncle has come to accept Wangji’s choice to live separately. Lan Wangji cannot ask for anything more. His life is finally perfect.