Work Text:
“Don’t you think we should go down?” The thatched roof created crossed impressions on her palm as she leaned on it. Straw pressed into her leg as distant voices called from within the home below.
“Ulla!” Her mother shouted followed by footsteps.
“What could she have done this time?” Her father seemed to groan as the adults quieted.
Donella looked ahead at the topic of the panic, seemingly worlds away from them. The girl was fluffing out a thick comforter and laying it down, sitting and patting the space next to her as an invitation. Standing, the motion was so rehearsed that now she barely had to think about where to place her feet on the slanted surface as she sat down next to her.
“Psh,” Ulla scoffed, reaching for her school bag and taking out the huge library book she had shoved inside. “If we go down now then we’ll miss it.” By the moonlight, she laid on her stomach and lightly waved her feet in the air, flipping it open and landing on the page predicting meteor showers. “We got hours to kill.”
By that time Donella had settled on her back with her head next to the pages, looking over at her with a little nod. “So what do we do while we wait? I doubt you brought any storybooks with you?”
“We don’t need those!” Her friend replied and reached out, gently tapping her temple. Her touch was light, Donella found herself grinning as she propped her head up with her elbow. When she smiled her cheek pressed into her palm. “They’re in there.”
A mocking groan and eye roll as she blew a stray strand of fading hair from her face. Ulla caught it before it fell again and proceeded to tuck the lock behind her ear. “What would you do without me?”
“Be incredibly bored all the time.”
Laughing, she rolled onto her back to look up at the starry night shining down on them. “Fine, you flatter me. Requests?”
“Tell me the part about the candles ,” Ulla replied and looked over as she put one hand underneath her head and glanced away.
"Uh-”
“Do not pretend you don't have it memorized, ”She teased, the start of a smile audible in the way her words pulled up, tugged along with the corners of her mouth. Her friend sighed heavily, pressing her lips together before nodding and closing her green eyes as she started to recite.
“The only ones for me are the mad ones. Mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time.”
The words traveled from her mind to her throat to her tongue effortlessly, slipping out into the world. Speaking from the head was easier than the heart, maybe the phrases had gravity on their side and didn’t have to fight and claw their way up her esophagus. A shuffling next to her that made Donella roll over and open her eyes.
Ulla jumped up, pointing at the blanket of deep midnight blue, “If we’re gonna go, we gotta go tonight…”
So she wanted a story then couldn't sit still through it? Classic in this way that made the taller’s stomach flutter, she continued with her tale. “The ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars…”
“Oh… If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight. Go tonight!”
And Donella couldn’t even be mad as she watched her. That was what it was to adore a dreamer. Sure she was wild and bright in the moment, so passionate like the very candles she wanted to hear about- but sometimes she was so far away. Sometimes the world in her head was more beautiful than anything she could recite to her.
“Go tonight!” Ulla shouted with more vindication and spun around, holding out a hand for her friend, “I'm in!”
Taking it firmly, she felt the way their fingers interlocked and palms molded for the other and she wondered how two things that seemed so different could fit together so well. “For what? ”
A squeal as she grabbed both of Donella’s hands and squeezed, “You and me, Donnie!” Her eyes were bright, this fire behind them that burned brighter than the night sky. “We are going to be something great! I can feel it!” She almost shouted, bouncing on her toes as her friend put two hands on her shoulders to calm her down.
“And you’re gonna feel it when you fall off and break your… everything.” The taller replied and waited for a second before her lips mirrored Ulla’s in that mischievous grin, “The world won’t know what hit em by the time we’re through. You and me.”
Extending her pinky, they linked their fingers quickly and shook once. “We’re taking the risk. We're the fools who will never learn.”
They nodded, foreheads inches from each other as they held their stares. It was a silent promise.
Her nose wrinkled a bit, shifting her freckles around as her expression changed. Pulling away, she almost sprinted towards the lip of the roof, Donella fast behind her as their feet bounded over the surface. Ulla stopped just as her toes threatened the open air, her arm extended to touch the stars as her friend took her other hand, offsetting her momentum and keeping her safe. “Pushed to the edge, out on the ledge.”
“Will you die out or burn, burn, burn?” Her fingers brushed over the bone on Ulla’s wrist before she pulled her back. The girl twirled a bit and her fiery red hair spun, picked up in a phantom breeze.
“Don't ask if you can.” She took a step forwards, standing up on her toes and tilting her head in challenge.
“No, that's a mistake girls make.” The appropriate response as Donella leaned down and nodded in agreement.
They spoke in unison, stepping back in sync as their feet returned to the blanket. “Cause those good old boys, they had their good old days.”
It felt so right, standing there shouting at the night sky, shoulder to shoulder. The moonlight reflected off her features, sitting on the bridge of her nose and bow of her lip. Donella stared as the sky was streaked with trails of light, trails of falling stars shot across out of view. The shower had started. Her chest swelled, so much so that the words were pushed out against gravity, against her doubts, “But now they're gone!” This freeing declaration, though she swore there was more to say as her voice stopped.
Ulla picked it up right where it fell, “And now their world,”
She had done it, mended the crack before it even had a chance to break. Looking down at her, she felt her face morphing into a softer smile. She practically glowed underneath the moonbeams, on an axis of her own. Something clicked as their thoughts worked in tandem and their voices merged into one. “Is ours to take!”
Turning to the side, Ulla stood on her toes and leaned into the other’s hands. Their foreheads pressed together, her voice was soft, fluttery petals falling from wilted flowers, like she was speaking for her and her alone. “We're mad to go. Mad to drive.”
“Mad to be alive.” She echoed with the same softness and squeezed her warm grasp gently. Maybe it was stupid to stare at her rather than the cosmic spectacle happening above them. But maybe it didn’t matter. Because in a few years they would be the spectacle. They were going to outshine it all. A tightness in her chest, tingling in her veins- she could feel it and Ulla’s enthusiasm made her truly believe it. “We're chasing stars.”
They were going to be something great.
“A thousand suns, the mad-”
Donella opened her mouth to join her, she softened her tone to accommodate their union, “Mad ones!”
Finally, they pulled away, spinning to face the sky as a wind blew around them and tossed their hair into the breeze. Ulla took in a breath and let it reach all the way down into her lungs. She was lighter than air. “We break the lock!” She punched her fist in the air with a little jump, the one not holding onto the other’s hand.
Donella hesitantly lined up their feet, lifting her chin, “We kick the door!” A laugh from her friend that sounded like wind chimes in the summer breeze. It made her feel lighter, freer, whole.
“Mad!”
“Mad!” She felt Ulla’s grasp tighten as she lifted their intertwined fingers up to the sky almost in victory, a celebration for many to come.
Once again, their words were in tune, voices meld into one. It was a declaration, an oath, a dream all in one. And it was theirs. “To reach for more!”
~~
“Ugh!” Groaning as she jumped and missed the ledge, a hand reached over and down for her to take. She did so, it was cold under her grasp but strong as Donella pulled her up onto the roof of the castle. One palm rested on her waist to keep her stable, time stopped for a moment. They both glanced at the touch, frozen, before she pulled away. Ulla could feel it, the divide that was wedging between them. Wedding bells would ring tomorrow but all they did now was pound ominously in her ears.
The distant calls of a future she couldn’t see. Funny how they could be mistaken as funeral chimes. A send-off for her past, for the girls they once were. The death of a life that never even started. This was where their paths diverged. Was it the right choice? She stared at the taller’s silhouette as she moved away, standing along the edge and staring down into the courtyard below. This was the next chapter, a new page- she never thought that would mean she couldn’t turn back. But it had hit her then, as they sat in her room drinking. It hit her so hard it knocked the air out and she needed to get somewhere she could breathe again.
A wind blew by, picking up her skirt. She was suffocating- a caged bird with her wings clipped. It was stifling, grief- the missing and mourning of people they would never be, of the dreams they envisioned for themselves. All this time she had been jumping back and forth, contemplating again and again what to do. She didn’t even say yes when he proposed, just nodded- thinking that maybe if she didn’t choose she wouldn’t have to give up anything.
But that was a stupid hope for stupid children and she wasn’t a child anymore. She was grown and she was getting married and it was too much! She wasn’t a wife! She wasn’t a mother! Why did she let this happen? Ulla hadn’t noticed but her arm had wrapped around her stomach and squeezed, her breath was coming in rapid short waves. The world was caving in, maybe she drank too much. A hand on her shoulder and it all seemed to fade away. She looked up, Donella was there. Sighing with relief as the other opened her arms, an offering- a path home, she melted into the hug and grabbed onto the back of her shirt tightly.
“I don’t want to get married,” Ulla whispered, the words tumbling out before she could even think about it when she was squeezed so tightly all the broken pieces of herself were pressed back together. “I don’t want to- I can’t! I can’t!”
“Never thought you’d be the one to get cold feet,” She teased, having to stop everything in her from agreeing then and there. This was the best future for Ulla, the one where she would be safe and happy and taken care of. She would have a nice husband and a good life. Dreaming was for children and- and maybe pinky promises were too. And their declaration? No more than some shouts to the void, lost. In the end, as all things came to, they burned out. “He’s a good guy. I know it’s scary but- hey you’ll still have me.”
A whimper escaped her before she could do anything to stop it. Ulla turned her face into Donella’s neck and gritted her teeth. This time gravity worked against her, she swallowed the words. ‘I want you. Only you. I want you.’ She couldn’t. Couldn’t use their friendship, couldn’t use her in some brazen act of self-discovery. It would be cruel. “What if I don’t?”
“What?”
“What if I don’t?!” She said it again, stronger this time as she pulled away. For a moment they were back at her childhood home, those green eyes staring at her in the moonlight. They were young, full of life once more. “We go out again, our plan! Everything we talked about before, Donnie.” Before they arrived in the Dark Kingdom, before she decided to stay to chance her fascination for a certain knight. But some sparks turned into flames that erupted and died out quickly, and some sparks burned constant and evermore.
“Ulla- you don’t know what you’re saying.” Her answer was yes! Yes, this was what she wanted! The words didn’t come, they tumbled back down.
“Just think about it,” Dream again, like they used to, “We make the rules, we make a vow to be mad!” She took Donella’s hands, running her thumbs over her knuckles.
“Mad!” She echoed before she was able to stop herself. Her chest swelled, almost bringing her to her tiptoes. There was life in this air, freedom.
Her blue eyes burned, staring and getting lost in the others as if there were no greater green in the entire world. “Girl, we’re what matter now.”
She mattered- they mattered! They weren’t just some empty words thrown into the void. They were real and they were going to carve out their place in this world. A squeeze of confirmation, desperate and sure.
Jumping in excitement, Ulla squealed and clutched her hands tightly, “Okay, first thing’s first, we have to go tell Quirin I'm not coming back!”
“What?!” Suddenly it hit her, as it always did. The anchor that pulled her back, the doubt that damped her dreams. She deflated but the other was always spinning around on her heel.
“If we’re gonna go, we gotta go tonight! Screw it! He'll figure it out.” She laughed and it felt like this mass that was once suffocating her lungs had left her. She could breathe again- she felt light again“ If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight. Where are my bags? ”
Donella put a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back before she could fly off too far. It was dangerous, to be left wild, “Just calm down, there's planning involved. What are we living on, where are we even going?”
A little shrug, “Well-”
“Ulla!”
“And two, Don! If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight! Go tonight.” She swayed a bit as she dragged her friend towards the opposite edge, staring at the wide unknown before them. Her hand reached out, like she could pluck the clouds straight out of the sky, fingers outstretched. That was their future, it was wind under her wings, she could feel it and it felt right. “Go tonight!”
“You’re drunk!” There was laughter in her voice as she pulled the shorter closer to make sure she didn’t fall over, but also a heaviness to the last syllable. She was drunk, not thinking straight or clearly. She- she didn’t mean whatever this was. And Donella felt the weight returning to her shoulders, she sighed softly. But Ulla just giggled in return and shoved her a bit, pushing her back and stepping towards her with the same grace she had when they were little. It was as if the hands of time turned.
"You’re drunk!” She teased and stuck her tongue out at her friend who returned the facial expression without missing a beat. “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight, go tonight. Go tonight!” Her eyes were eager, wide as she stared at her- begging for a way out- for her key.
“I am drunk, and I only have a wagon! We can't-”
“Stop saying ‘can’t’!” Ulla cried back because what happened? What happened to them? They were once so fearless, so determined- believing they could do anything, anything at all. There were never any can’ts, just wills. Who was this person standing in front of her now? How did she not notice when her Donnie stopped dreaming?
Irritation pricked at her for a split second. It’s not like she was the one who wanted to stay in onr spot so badly, it’s not like she hadn’t wanted to keep moving- “Stop telling me what to do!” Donella shouted and paused before she could continue, closing her mouth slowly she stepped away from her.
Ulla’s face fell, she reached out and her entire stature, which had blown up as quickly as she cooled down, shrank. “Wait- Donnie I’m sorry I just- I’ve thought about it I swear. Please- stay with me. Don’t leave.”
Standing at the edge, she paused before hesitantly turning around, a little nod. “You’re sure?” Another confirmation from the other, she let this bubbly sort of laugh escape from her lungs and hurried towards her. She didn’t even know she could make a noise like that, something that sounded so… hopeful. That’s what she did to her. Their fingers interlaced, a perfect fit.
Donella leaned down, “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight!”
Ulla stood on her toes, their foreheads pressing together, “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight.” Turning away from the taller, she made it so that they faced the unknown horizon. The distance blurred to them, full of mystery and promise. A final squeeze before she interlaced their fingers. They weren’t those kids anymore but maybe they could be. Lifting their joined hands up, a vow made somehow to the entire world and just between them. They were going to be great.
Together, just like that night on the rooftop, they swore. “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight.”
~~
“Go tonight,” They worked quickly, packing. Food and water were loaded onto the wagon, Donella sorted all the scrolls and journals with information that would help them on their journey into a backpack. She walked with a pep in her step, finally feeling like herself again. The girl on the rooftop who really truly allowed herself to hope and believe. She believed in them, she believed in the future she thought she was done mourning. “Go tonight.” It would be just the road ahead, a new adventure to be had- they were making history.
Ulla handed her the last of their bags, lifting them up over her head while she took them and placed them into the wagon. “Without any plan. Just the reins and the open air!”
“Yeah!” She found herself agreeing with this laugh of relief in her voice. They were back, they hadn’t been lost. Making sure everything was in place, she hopped down.
“Living for us!” They exclaimed as one.
Ulla bumped her affectionately with her hip before continuing. “Kicking up dust.”
“We just pick up and go, go, go!” For once Donella found herself jumping. Throwing her head back, her voice came from her chest, unable to contain her excitement which the other readily fed off of.
She shouted, hollered as if she were a child again, “Yeah!”
“It's never or now!” Opening her arms, she took a small step back and nodded as Ulla launched herself at her. They collide, arms around each other. Donella let her weight shift back on her heels as she spun around with the shorter in her arms, exactly where she was made to be.
“Never or now, yes!” Her words were almost growled, almost squealed with glee as she kicked her feet. She hadn’t felt this way in a long time, hadn’t felt like herself in a long time. But that was who she got to be with Don, unabashedly free.
Setting Ulla down, though she wanted to hold her forever- feel her weight against her holding all her broken pieces tight, she put both hands on her shoulders. Those blue eyes stared at her, paling the sky with their luminance. She was home.
“Time to take your foot off the brake,” They whispered to the other. Time to throw away the doubts, time to remember the people they once were- the people they had yet to become. Glancing over her shoulder, their gazes met in a silent and brief goodbye as Ulla ran off to hurry up the steps. Quirin was standing with Varian in his arms.
Her hands gently took the child from him, spinning her son around and pressing multiple kisses to his forehead and face. His hands rested on her cheeks as he cooed. “I’ll be back before you know it! Literally, because you are a baby.”
Standing by the wagon, she grinned to herself as she watched the woman as if she were the only light in the universe, the only star that burned. “Yeah, those good old boys, they had their good old days.”
Turning to the man, she flashed him a kind smile. Not the one that took over her face and threatened to squeeze out her other features, a good smile. Not her smile but that didn’t really matter. They embraced briefly, she handed back her son.
Donella’s lips flicked into a sly little grin as she continued, her hands resting where Ulla’s neck curved into her shoulders. She stood on her toes, leaning into the touch. A joined whisper, “But now they're gone. And now their world,”
Time stopped for them in that moment, a few seconds of uncounted existence to make up for the lost years. Her warm hands reached up, rested on her cool wrists. “Is ours to take.”
“Is ours to take,” The taller echoed before turning and stepping up onto the wagon. She reached out a hand and Ulla took it firmly.
“We're mad to go,” Pulling her up, their words melded together as she flicked the reins, “Mad to drive.”
“Mad!” The shorter reached over, took the leather straps and made her move them with more force, more confidence until they gained some actual speed.
Donella laughed, “Mad,” almost breathless as the town they knew, the town that trapped her, flew past like it was as real as a chalk drawing caught in the rain. The only thing in focus was her.
Caught in their own world, everything came so easily. “To be alive!” Laughing together, they could breathe again. Eventually, the wheels hit the open road, the clouds high in the sky as they raced the horizon line. “We're chasing stars. A thousand suns,” And they were going to end in victory, it was certain- it was known. They would win.
“The mad,” She breathed out as she glanced over to the woman sitting at her side. Ulla looked like herself again, her hair down and in blue. She looked wild, adventurous, the girl she was drawn to from day one. Where had she gone over the years? How did it take her so long to find her again?
“Mad,” Her lips stretched wide, cheeks scrunched and freckles formed new constellations as her skin shifted. She kicked her feet a bit in the air, the buzz of adventure racing through her veins.
They seemed to rejoice what they always knew on their quest for new knowledge. Through a thousand different lifetimes, a thousand different worlds and across a thousand miles, they would find each other. It was a promise. “Mad ones!”
~~
The woman’s eyes glowed with blue light, overtaken by the magic she once commanded. Hugo put his arm up to protect from the wind as gusts picked up. She rose, her son in tow with his head thrown back. Ulla was fading, his eyes gradually becoming engulfed in the brightness. The blond felt a shiver up his spine as he saw her expression, her grin was stretched wide but somehow still felt cold. Her gaze was lost, almost robotic and yet still filled with- he couldn’t tell what. Excitement? Passion? Power?
“Stripes! Stripes, can you hear me-“ He knew it was futile, his heart racing and catching in his chest as he was pushed back by the wind. The soles of his shoes scraped against the brick. “Stop it! You’re hurting him!”
But his cries fell on deaf ears, “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight. Go tonight, go tonight,” Her hands squeezed as they were moved closer. Dammit, Varian was a strong opponent and maybe she would have been proud in another lifetime. Maybe she would have been proud if she were still herself. All she felt now was rage, born from desperation. She had to do this. There was no other choice. “If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight. Go tonight.” She couldn’t spend another few decades in this place. Ulla could feel herself slipping, spending less and less time in full control to the point where she didn’t even know if she was in control now. Who was she anymore?
There were things in life she never thought she’d lose. Her family, Donella, and herself. Well, she hated to admit it but she was wrong about a lot of things. Too many things. Everything.
“Varian please!” Hugo cried and took a shaky step forwards, throwing all his weight into advancing. “Fight her please- come back to me I- I’m sorry! I never meant to hurt you! I- you’re right! I mess up everything- I’m an idiot! But you’re also wrong I-“ Could the other boy even hear him above the storm? His throat felt raw from shouting and probably from inhaling the dust that was being kicked up. “I never wanted to hurt you! I love you, Varian! Please come back to me.”
There was a shift. Ulla gasped and for a second her grip slipped enough for the boy to look up. One of his eyes returned to normal, he stared into those green ones and- and for a moment his gaze softened. Then, a scream escaped his lips, two voices from one mouth. His cry of agony and his mother’s shriek of anguish as she pulled harder. It wasn’t fair, it wasn't fair! Why did she do it? Why couldn’t she love her? And she didn’t know if she was asking herself or someone else.
Another cut through the chaos, so familiar that even in his anger Hugo turned around. Donella pressed herself against the barrier, slamming her fist into it. He never saw her look so desperate, so furious, so broken. “But we didn't go, didn't go, go that night.” She wasn’t shouting, her words already rising above the wind. Hugo always admired her for that, the power she held without having to yell. He hadn’t realized how quiet the scene was when he wasn’t screaming.
Her hands wavered, just the smallest amount. Glancing up, she blinked and there was clarity. “Donnie?” A cry that turned into a groan as her eyes were consumed once again and her figure faded.
The woman made a sound as if she were clicking her tongue, almost accusatory, almost guilt-ridden. “Did we?” Her voice broke when she remembered that night on the rooftop. The world was a little softer then, a little hazier and a little warmer and she didn’t know if it was because of the alcohol or Ulla. She had this gravity about her, filled up so much space in her life that she left behind an ache deep in her chest of regret.
“No we didn't go, didn't go. Go that night.” Her gaze was flickering, hands shaking as she lost her grip then gained it again. Varian made this horrible gasping sound that only sent the blond into more distress. She wrinkled her nose in concentration, squeezing her fists so tightly crescent indents were forming on her palms.
“Hugo!” Cut their losses, it was over- she stood watching the girl she once knew die again. Maybe only in image this time, only in memory, but still it was a second death. Donella sucked in a breath, pushed away her- whatever she was feeling. “Get your ass over here now! It’s too dangerous.” She was expecting some sort of hostility thrown her way, not that she didn’t deserve it. But the boy, her boy, just turned back at her with eyes brimming with tears.
“I’m not leaving him!”
“Oh for Demanitus’ sake, Hugo!” Hitting the barrier again, it almost rippled underneath her touch, the magic crackling and attempting to lurch towards her. “I can try to save him but I need you to-”
“You don’t understand, Donella!” One hand was grabbing onto Varian’s. It was so cold, almost like a dead man’s, but he felt the boy squeeze the tiniest amount and he knew he had to stay. “I’m not going to abandon him again I- I can’t fail him again!”
She felt it, heard the grief and the guilt and the regret in his voice. He was so young, much younger than herself when she ran out of the Library with the same tethers that refused to set her free. Nodding, she turned her attention away. “Get out of the boy, Ulla!” She snapped, pushing her shoulders back as if that could stop her falters from bubbling to the surface, it worked. Her eyes hardened as she continued. “He’s your son! Don’t do something you’re going to regret.”
“Ha!” That short sneer barely sounded like her own, her voice distorted in a manner nearly beyond comprehension.
Blinking in surprise, she struggled to continue. “You- you can’t possibly be so lost that-”
“Lost? Lost, Donnie? Who do you have to blame for that?” She snapped and her head twisted to one side in an inhuman manner. “No, we didn't go, didn't go. Go that night.”
“I mean, obviously! The whole thing went south! You always do this!” An eye twitch as she gritted her teeth. Her walls came down, snapped- cracked like a glass pane that splintered all on the surface before falling away. There was no logic and composure to hide behind, both her callused hands rested on the barrier and Donella felt herself screaming until her throat went raw. “You never take any fucking accountability for anything! The whole world revolves around you, doesn’t it? Per usual, Ulla’s only plan was running her mouth! ”
“And that’s my fault?!” She shrieked back and though her eyes were still blank her smile dropped and she stamped her foot in the air- almost like how she used to. “You never let me take the blame! Oh, but who let down who?"
“I was trying to protect you! Who let down who? ”
“I never asked you to protect me!” She thrashed her arms to the side, jerking Varian in an awkward manner before something in her made her stop. “I never asked- I never wanted- You don’t know what it was like! Everyone expecting this- expecting that- He wanted so much he wanted a home and he thought I could give it to him. And then he never let me do anything!” During this, her form gained opacity, she was slipping. “You and Quirin treated me like I was a baby! Who let down who? ”
“Don’t you dare compare me to him!” Donella practically spat at the other. Her voice was quivering, moisture in her eyes but she blinked it away, “I didn’t think you were fragile! I only stepped in when you were two seconds away from getting over your head- you’re the one who was too fucking stupid to learn how to stop! Who let down who? ”
“You always want to stop! You- You were the one who put on the brakes!” She was still faint but the lights in her eyes flickered and her lips pulled into a snarl. Varian’s feet got closer to the ground.
“I couldn’t let us run away!” She choked out knowing that it wasn’t really the reason. She was terrified that it was the wrong choice, that she was the wrong choice.
“You didn't have what it takes!” Ulla snarled but neither did she. Neither of them could do it, could commit. And when the future they saw for each other died, there were two pairs of bloodied hands.
“Oh, who let down who?”
“Who let down who?”
Her words echoed in her ears, years of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. Did they mean nothing? The night they watched the cosmos together? It was a wish, sure, but with thousands of shooting stars maybe Donella was naive enough to think one of them would stick. “Like you ever followed through on a single word you said!” All the empty ‘I love you’s, all the hollow ‘we’ll always be together’s.
“Well if you hated being around me so much then you should have just fucking left!” She turned her attention back to her new body, “I don’t need you! I don’t fucking need you!”
“I never hated you!” The words ripped at her throat and she tasted the metallic notes of blood, “I can’t believe you! I- For someone so smart you can be so fucking stupid! You think I hated you?” Everything came tumbling out, hot tears fell onto her cheeks and over the scars that were burning in the presence of the Library. “I loved you!”
That was it. Her eyes widened, the glow disappeared, and Varian fell to the floor into Hugo’s arms. The blond partially carried partially dragged the unconscious boy across the barrier, stumbling over chokes and sobs along the way. “What?” Her voice was soft, broken as she drifted closer to the ground. “I- you- you loved-” Suddenly everything that was so out of reach, everything that was just a stupid daydream could have been possible. Donella loved her but- she loved her but they ran out of time. She loved her but they didn’t say it. She loved her but they burned. Somehow that hurt more. Almost hurt more than never.
Her chest heaved in the same manner it did when she saw Varian and realized the world moved on without her. She was left behind, nothing. It was the same sort of grief because in a way it was the same kind of loss. The life that was ripped from her. Eyes landed on the two boys just past the taller’s shoulder. There was this burning in her neck as her feet stopped just above the ground. She jerked her head back, her entire body was on fire. It felt that way as she snarled, her eyes almost completely white as she rushed forwards and slammed into the barrier right where Donella stood. The woman didn’t move away as she groaned in frustration, an almost animalistic cry as she flung herself again and again as if her desperation alone could change fate.
“Ulla stop it! Stop it please!” She cried and pressed her palm against the barrier like it could somehow soften her impact. “Stop trying stop- stop it I don’t understand why you can’t ju-!”
“If we'd only go that night then I wouldn't be dead!” Her shoulder slammed into the barrier one final time. Being thrown back from the impact, she landed and the phantom breeze blowing her hair around faded along with the glow in her eyes. A sob and she felt- like herself again. Broken and battered but herself as she sat there and hugged her knees to her chest, burying her face in the fabric of her skirt as frustrated tears fell. She gasped, this sputtered horrible sound. “How could you?! You loved me and then you killed me and left me here! I- we could have lived!”
All her breath left her, a hammering in her ears as Donella took a small step back. “I-” Ulla lifted up her head, those blue eyes captured her. “I’m sorry.” She hated the way her voice quivered, how her knuckles seemed to ache with remnants of a spell long out of her control. Her scars burned and she pressed a hand to the raised skin she saw the other quickly glance away from. Her gaze hardened, “But I’m not the only one who should be.”
A nod as she stood, clenching fists to her side.
They both narrowed their eyes, a step forwards, “Tell me,”
"If you never cut my face!” Her fingertips dug into her skin, she had to resist the urge not to pick by gritting her teeth together. “Who let down who?”
“If you didn’t rip my soul from my body!” Glancing over the other’s shoulder, a terrible sort of longing extended its tendrils out of her stomach and squeezed her chest tightly. “Who let down who?”
But their downfall started long before that.
“If you didn’t marry him!”
“If you told me sooner I never would have married him!”
A pause, Donella opened her mouth but nothing came out for a few seconds. “What- what do you mean?” She whispered, clenching the hand against her face into a fist. Ulla laughed, this terrible dead sounding laugh that rang more hollow than ever.
“I loved you, you moron!”
Gasping, she stared down at the brick. Blinking, warm blood of the past dripped down her cheek and onto the stone below. Dust and grit rubbed against her palms and the air was filled with Ulla’s maniacal laughter. It was quiet now.
“If you had just told me-” Donella choked out to which the other scoffed. She looked back up in annoyance at it all.
“You never had an interest in anyone! I thought you didn’t want to date! Who let down who? ”
“Oh and you’re any better? You were always dating someone!”
Their voices rose, Ulla took a step forwards and leaned as if that would project her anger more, “You didn’t make a move!”
“You didn’t give me any reason to! Who let down who?” She was at the barrier, the very edge before her forehead would hit against it. Glaring down at her, the shorter stood on her toes to try and close the gap. Her brow was furrowed, eyes blazing with fury though not glowing.
“You pushed me away!” Ulla cried out, hating how two tears slipped from the corners of her eyes and fell back into her hair.
“You left me behind!” Donella choked and sniffed, wiping at her right cheek harshly. “You!”
“You!”
“You!”
They bickered and snapped and glared. It hurt how perfect they still seemed to fit even at odds, even after all this time- over all this distance. “You! You! You!”
~~
Shattering, the barrier splintered as if it were a window pane before thousands of pieces crashed and disappeared on the stone. She took a step forwards, brushing her hand over the green film in the air and marveling when her hand passed through. Looking up, the tension in her shoulders released as if her puppet strings snapped, a weight fell off. Donella ran, the air beneath her wings returning and breath filling her lungs as she closed the distance. Those few feet that once loomed before her, gone-
Collision, they fell backwards onto the stone holding onto each other as if they were lifelines. Ulla laughed and it was light, she never knew what it was like to miss something as mundane as wind chimes. She buried her face in Donella’s shoulder, taking in her scent and letting herself melt. The other’s cool hand rested at the back of her neck, keeping her close.
“Mad,” Something inside their chest swelled, filled up all the cracks and breaks and imperfections- and maybe they couldn’t fix things- maybe it had all gone to shit. But this? In this moment everything was right, they were home.
Ulla found herself clutching onto the back of her shirt as if the fabric was woven from the strings of time. What she would give to go back or to give them more. “Mad to go. Mad to drive! Mad!”
“Mad!” Donella echoed, her lips stretching though she didn’t plan on it. She grinned, even more so when the other pulled away and gently pressed their foreheads together. She felt how her breath tickled her nose. “Stay,” the plea fell from her lips effortlessly, without her even thinking about it. However, those blue eyes just softened at her, in pity, in regret, in sadness. Ulla shook her head.
“I can’t,” She whispered and kept going despite the other’s quiet protests. Their lips moved in sync, inches apart.
“To be alive. We're chasing stars, a thousand suns,”
“The mad,” Donella let her eyes close, one hand reaching to rest on Ulla’s jaw and gently pet her cheekbone.
“Mad,” Her voice was so soft, this part of herself rarely seen through her energy and chaos. Fire was so- hard to describe. Wild and destructive to warm and nurturing, she walked the line and the other was her safety net.
“Mad ones,” They breathed at the same time, moved at the same time. When Donella shifted her leg she knew exactly how to scoot closer. When Ulla arched her back she knew how to hold her by the waist, one hand rested there while the other guided her chin. Their lips touched, first brief and then stronger as the final walls fell.
Her face pulled into a grin that scrunched her freckled cheeks as she leaned in for more, almost intoxicated by the other’s pull. It was like the quiet of the wind on rooftops where burdens couldn’t reach them, like the rush of excitement and turn of wagon wheels as the world washed away, like watching the cosmos and being unable to focus.
They parted, lost in their own universe, in the gravity of the other. How could they not be when that space had been empty for so long? Not even empty, worse, as if there was a sinking black hole left behind that threatened to pull anything into it.
Their foreheads pressed together, tips of noses brushed. “We break the lock. We kick the door!” A secret, a promise, a vow made only to the universe and themselves.
“Mad,” She lifted her face slightly and found herself almost whimpering at how perfectly the curve of Ulla’s brow fit against the slope of her nose.
“Mad,” She echoed and her thumb gently passed over Donella’s collarbone as she let her eyes close.
Pulling away, the corners of their eyes crinkled as they gazed at each other. Joy and relief and sadness and regret all in one. “To reach for more.”
Taking her warm hand, she lifted it to her lips and pressed a kiss over her knuckles. Ulla giggled, as if she were a school girl again, and cupped her left cheek with her palm.
“We make the rules. We make a vow.” The air was getting heavier, they both knew what was coming now but it felt so good, almost like the old days, almost like nothing had changed. They couldn’t stop. But it got harder, harder for both of them to watch as Donella’s eyes pooled with tears and Ulla’s form faded- growing fainter and fainter. “To be mad.”
Flinging herself at her friend, she choked a bit into the hug. She was still there, maybe for now but then she’d be losing her again. A second mourning. Burying her face into her neck, the tickle of her red hair was so light she barely felt it, as if they were the brushes of butterfly wings. But she would never forget the feeling of Ulla’s arms around her no matter how faint, for that would be the equivalent of forgetting what home was.
They stayed like that for as long as they could, but time was a nasty opponent and few were lucky enough to win. They sure weren’t. “Girl, we're what matter now.”