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Grass brushed against her ankles as she walked through the open field, tilting her head back a bit to feel the way the breeze cooled her skin. The sky was a pale blue, almost gray though the sunlight danced on her skin. Looking down at her hands, she stopped in her tracks. Laughter from behind, windchimes- faded like a memory or worn cloth, she spun around on her heel. A few meters away, a figure stood with her back facing her, fiery red hair blowing in the wind, uncontained and wild.
“Ulla?” Her words were so faint it might as well have been the breeze. Still though, she found herself taking a step, then another, then another until she was sprinting across the distance. Or until she was attempting to sprint across the distance. Her feet were heavy, as if lead had filled her bones and threatened to drag her down to the earth. Stumbling, Donella took in a breath and looked up. The woman was just a few meters away.
She pushed off the ground again and again, stride after stride but couldn't seem to get anywhere. Reaching out, so close yet so far- so close. “Ulla!” Outstretched fingers caught nothing but space, that giggle made her heart flutter and her lips pull into a smile. She was lighter than air but strangely trapped, floating away but tethered to a string.
‘Donnie!’ The other turned around and her eyes brightened the entire universe. No- actually, they were the universe. Everything Donella found herself lurching for, longing for- needing. Ulla smiled, lips stretching across her face and freckles crinkling- she smiled because she was happy to see her. And that made her walls absolutely crumble. ‘If we're gonna go we gotta go tonight, go tonight, go tonight.’ Bordering between an echo and a whisper, the shorter extended a hand.
Feeling her heart ache, she flung herself forwards and all the air and freedom disappeared. Plummeting, gravity took hold of her lead-filled body and dragged her down down down. There was nothing to hold onto, nothing to keep her from dropping as everything caught in her throat. The world fell away.
Gasping for breath but still feeling as if she were drowning, Donella pushed herself up in bed and threw the covers off without thinking. She shivered, wiping the sweat from her brow and wrapping her arms around herself. Rocking back and forth, her breathing was ragged and she coughed so hard it hurt. Her face burned, she pushed her fist into her right cheek as if she could somehow force the skin to lie flat once more. It didn’t work. Obviously. Her feet touched the cool floorboards and she got up, slipping on her clothes without much thought and heading out into the hallway. Entrapment, she needed to escape- needed a key. She walked quietly past the kid’s room, almost in a trance through her lab.
Something pulled her to the door, a wind blew past. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe. A distant echo, so faint it could have been mistaken as a memory. ‘ If we're gonna go we gotta go tonight, go tonight, go tonight.’ Shrugging on her jacket, Donella allowed her feet to take her around the building and into the alleyway. It was quiet. Her hands shoved into her pockets as she kicked a pebble with her toe
Sighing, her shoulders sagged in defeat. “She was,” Walking towards the brick wall covered with old ivy vines, the woman reached out and rested a hand on the dying plant, “She was,” Wrapping her fingers around it tighter, she found a foothold and her feet left the dirt. The vine was rough under her touch but firm and sturdy as it clung onto the rock, climbing desperately for the sunlight. It fought for survival against it all, the soil that lacked nutrients, the buildings that stifled the light. It fought so hard- and it failed.
Her other hand reached high, she pulled herself up. “ Sitting on the roof of her beat-up car,” Shifting her weight back, Donella hung a bit off the ground. The brick was almost completely covered by the leaves, she stared at the hidden surface as it faded away.
Ulla leaned against her despite the wagon bed being wide enough to accommodate the both of them. “ Half singing, half laughing, half going too far,” A subtle dance in her tone, almost laughter. They had taken the cover down for the night, deciding the view was far too pretty to pass up. Glancing down, the woman spread out the maps and scrolls across both their laps, eagerly pointing and discussing the next trials. That was it, that was their future- their key- their way out. “The music played over, with nothing to come,” Donella found herself smiling down at her, even more so when she looked up and practically beamed. That look told her everything, she was exactly where she was meant to be. She closed her green eyes, their foreheads pressed, and it all felt right.
The leaves came back into focus, even then a soft grin pulled onto her lips as if her features wanted to mold back into the before. “In a remix of memories, the loop of the... drum.” She blinked, wrinkled her nose a little as her mind pushed at the edges of her vision, “ Or bass line, or was it?”
Shaking her head, Demanitus, it couldn’t be happening. Ulla had- right she had taken her hands after, fiddling with her fingers as she mused about their journey and what life-threatening trial they’d have to face next.
A chill, no, a shiver ran down her spine, Donella felt this lump in her chest fading as that night flooded back. She could remember the way her hair tickled her cheek, how her head fit so perfectly in the crook of her neck. And it ached, and she ached and if she weren’t holding onto the vines maybe she’d be clenching her hands into fists with nails that threatened to break skin.
Gray strands of hair brushed her face, her scars, which made her jump a bit. A breeze blew upwards, towards the roof. Her gaze followed eagerly, ‘If we're gonna go we gotta go tonight, go tonight, go tonight.’ The moonlight grazed over her knuckles as she opened her fingers and reached upwards. The sky beckoned to her, new horizons and old promises. They were calling her back, calling her home. ‘If we're gonna go we gotta go tonight, go tonight, go tonight!’ It was a pull, she couldn't resist. After all, a moth would be forever tied to a flame- instincts beyond memories.
Higher and higher, the motion so ingrained in her even though she hadn’t practiced in years. “She was, she was,” A shaky breath, one foot hung in dead air as something inside her fell. Suddenly her lungs shrank, her arms shook. She turned towards the entrance of the alleyway. The light of a single streetlamp flickered over the wet road, “Everything I'm not, my whole universe,” The words left an empty space in their wake, like a hole in her heart had been torn out and each beat only reminded her of the agony of loss.
Her head leaned to the side and rested against the cool stone about midway up the wall. The brick pressed against her temple as her green gaze dropped to the distance below, “ When I was a footnote, a slim second verse,” Shuttering, her hand went to pull her jacket closer. She allowed herself to tip back a bit, only two points of contact fighting against gravity. It was almost a challenge, take me now or set me free.
“But she was the chorus, the hook and the groove,” Somehow, probably against her will, she smiled to herself and gently swayed to one side from where she was hanging- as if dancing. Finding the stars, the wind chill cut down to her bones and she pressed her fist against her chest. The steady beat of her heart pushed against her knuckles. It almost felt wrong- wrong for hers to keep pumping when it did so alone. Reality was cold. She gritted her teeth, the stiffened skin on her cheek tugged. “And without her there pushing, somehow I can't...”
Donella blinked and they were standing far from the ground on the tiles of the Dark Kingdom castle. Ulla’s skirt blew against her legs, she ran a hand through her hair and spun around to face her, almost screaming. ‘Stop saying can’t!’.
“ Move,” Tightening her grip, her foot found a place again and she continued onward. Her calloused hand gripped the ledge, then the other as she hoisted herself over the side and stood, “So I sit in the car that she left behind!”
Tilting her head back, both her hands pressed against her chest where Ulla’s head used to lay in the spot made for her and only her. Nothing could resemble the weight, the safety of her laying there. She cursed the cosmos, as if somehow hashing out her pain could dull the sting.
“ Sinking down in this void like a crater,” It ripped out of her, ripped out a part of her. Donella threw her arms to her side. “Getting lost in a world that I can't rewind,” Stopping in the middle of the rooftop, she stared up at the sky. The stars were duller due to smog, an emptiness in her chest. A breeze blew by, she couldn’t feel the chill as it swept her hair around her, willing her to spin along with it. There was the distant sound of ringing, bells or windchimes. She had to have been losing it, for a moment it sounded like her laughter, crisp and light and- and so close. “ It's too late and it's just getting later!”
Turning on her heel, she gritted her teeth and had to fight to keep from folding in on herself. After some struggle, some fight, she managed to keep her bones stacked on top of one another. Coming full circle, she gasped as the figure turned to her, her red hair caught up in the breeze as well. The younger girl stood there, smiling at her as if she had just thrown her schoolbag down on the rooftop, trapped in time like a bug encased in amber. Her eyes were glowing, this look that made her feel like someone. ‘If we're gonna go we gotta go tonight, go tonight!’
Donella approached, almost ran to her but couldn't bring herself to get close . Her feet brought her around. The other woman didn’t turn with her as she circled, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle a choked sob. She leaned a little at the waist, lowering herself in observation.
“ Why did I say no?!” Her eyes closed for a brief moment, and when she opened them there she was. The same Ulla that lived in her memories- as beautiful as the day she lost her. So close that maybe if she reached out she could pull her back, save her from the hands of fate and hold her once again.
‘If we're gonna go, we gotta go tonight!’ She turned, pointing off somewhere far before sprinting towards the edge. And everything keeping her together collapsed as Donella broke into a run after her.
“We had miles to go!”
‘Go!’ Ulla hopped up on the ledge, throwing her weight forwards with this confidence she could only marvel at. Her hand reached, outstretched towards the sky while the other hung back, trusting that it would be taken.
Clutching onto her as she had done time and time again, Donella’s heart threatened to jump out from her chest. She squeezed as if trying to challenge destiny itself- as if her grip and desperation were enough to rewrite what had happened because even then, even now as she felt the breeze tickle the scars on her cheek- as she stood on that rundown building in the slums, she couldn't hate her. She didn’t know how to and she didn’t plan on learning any time soon.
Her words were shouted, in a mix of warning, tragedy, and admiration. “You were mad to reach! Mad to drive!” Her voice broke, almost begging her to return exactly as she had been. “Mad!” They stood there, frozen in time as if nothing had changed. “Mad!”
“And so alive!” Donella cried out and gasped as the woman who taught her how to live turned towards her. Her smile was sad but it was her, the same crinkle of the eyes, the same freckles that dotted her cheeks like stars. And she knew it was a goodbye smile, something deep in her stomach knew as her gut twisted. With the wind, the image faded and she stared at her hand, clutching onto nothing- something that never was.
Her voice cracked in defeat as her fingers closed where her wrist would have been, trembling . “The space you left, the empty air,” Taking a step towards where she once was, she stopped right where her toe hit the ledge but couldn’t find it in herself to step up. She looked onward, the faint twinkling of a life so far away, and stretched her arm up as Ulla had. “ I reach! Reach!”
Watching as her palm quivered, Donella pulled it back and held it to her chest. Her knees bent, she leaned forwards at the waist like she was being torn apart, “ But you're not there!”
A sob, a scream, escaped her open lips, she pressed a cold hand to her collarbone and squeezed her eyes shut- blocking out the light. Stumbling backwards, her fingers combed back her hair at her temples as her chest heaved, “And time expands. The beat goes on. You were mad, mad!
Surprised at her own words, they knocked the wind out of her as she straightened and touched her lips as if she was surprised they created the sound. Her face felt hot, she blinked and found that tears were welling up. They had fallen and streaked over her cheeks without her noticing. “ And now you're…”
Everything stopped as quickly as it started, her anguish suddenly burned out. “She was…” One word threatened to crush her into nothing, “She was…” Was was was, past tense- no. Donella shook her head to try and rid herself of that sickening twisting under her skin. Clenching her eyes closed so hard her vision was speckled with stars, her arms held her tightly as she stumbled backwards in a circle to keep herself from collapsing. “Oh!”
‘Oh,’ Maybe it was just the wind but Ulla’s voice melded into her own. She was so near, almost there but almost was never enough. They could have been enough, they could have had it all if only she wasn’t so afraid. ‘Oh.”
“Over and over!” Donella pressed her palms to her ears, stumbling further back until she was standing in the middle of the rooftop once again. Throwing her hands to the side, she spread them wide as if begging, pleading to be struck down for Ulla was a fire- a flame that kept her warm, and she was a moth forever drawn to her light. She choked then gasped for air like she never tasted oxygen before. Her eyes opened, staring at the way that blue dress blew in the night air and the moonlight reflected off strands of her hair as she stood on the ledge.
A phantom breeze blew through. Donella shouted, almost accusatory as she stretched out her fingers towards the other. “Your words to me echo!”
And it was so terrible, grieving someone and never knowing if they felt the same. And it was so lonely, looking at her picture or remembering her voice in the night when the only thought that crossed her mind was, I think I miss you.
‘Go tonight, go tonight!’ Ulla turned around, reaching out a hand for her- she was reaching out for her. All this time, over all those years, as she lurched for adventure after adventure, she also extended her arm for her. ‘Oh!’
“Oh!” A pull guided her forwards, she practically stumbled on her feet. Something inside her pushed against her ribs, everything in her body wanting to advance. “Over and over,” Their fingers locked, she blinked and that teal barrier shone at her.
Ulla pressed herself against it, tears brimming from her blue eyes and passing over her freckled cheeks. ‘Please don’t leave me, Donnie! Please please please- I’ll let you back in. I’ll take it back please don’t- just let me heal your face please- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Just please don’t leave me!’ She had shrieked and Donella’s stomach twisted as she remembered turning towards the exit.
Guilt severed their connection, she pulled her hand away and stared at her- practically begging for forgiveness. The other woman smiled and stepped down, she found herself cupping her cheek- desperate to feel her warmth. Ulla leaned into her touch, her thumb petting her cheekbone. She grabbed onto her wrist but Donella couldn’t feel her warm fingers against her skin.
Sputtering, the tears blurred her vision. She blinked them away quickly, wanting to take in the other for as long as she could. “As I try to let go!” A step forwards, dissolving into sobs as her chest heaved and teeth gritted to try and stop the noise to no avail. She choked, sniffing and wiping at her eyes with her free hand. All she wanted was to be taken into her arms, to be held again- safe again- loved again. Somehow though, once she gained the composure to speak, her words were in stark contrast to how she sounded before. The desperation, the longing drained until there was- nearly nothing. Donella held her face with both hands in the most tender manner she could muster. Her palm quivered.
“There's a black hole. A vacuum in deep outer space,” She muttered and let her hand trace her jawline as her other arm hugged her own ribcage, “That swallows all matter. Without any trace. Where life is suspended,” Taking a step, the other moved along with her. “ In physics and time,” Her eyes rose to the stars, so far away- and yet somehow Ulla had made them feel within reach. They were so close- it wasn’t a distant fantasy it was an almost. Almost. “Every word you said, hangs like an unfinished... rhyme.”
Pulling away, it was too much. She never wanted to forget- couldn’t find it in herself to let go- but every moment that turned memory and every one day that turned never threatened to crush her with its weight. Her fingers raked through her gray hair, tangling in her locks as she turned away and tilted her head up. The stars twinkled mockingly. A near cry of anguish- frustration.
“So I sit in the vacuum you left behind,” Facing her in an almost accusatory fasion, heaving, Donella found herself once again closing the distance as if she were the tides and Ulla the moon. But she ran past, skidding to a halt at the step. “And I sift through each phrase for an ember!”
‘Go!’ Ulla’s voice echoed as if it were the simplest thing in the universe. It should have been, they should have just gone.
Donella bowed her head and shook it, leaning down- hunching over as the weight of the years, of the guilt and the regret, pulled her at the mercy of gravity. What she would give for a little more time, just to say sorry- just to tell her how much she truly loved her.
She didn’t think as her foot stepped on the ledge and she hopped up. One shoe rested back against the edge while her hand stretched out towards the stars. They burned a million miles away, twinkling coldly. Straining her muscles, her fingers fanned outwards towards the adventure that never was. “For a spark that will light! 'Cause I can't rewind,” Donella felt her weight pushing forwards, her toes keeping her from tipping completely off balance. One hand reached back, the faintest brush of Ulla’s grasp holding her in place- or maybe it was just the wind.
Falling from her face once again, tears merged at her chin and dripped to the ground. Her voice cracked with desperation, she could feel her throat going raw and the pain fueled her. “I unravel until I remember!”
It flooded back. Please- she almost begged the universe as she stared at the smoggy sky, searching for who knows what. Her arm was growing tired, fingers turning cold as she waited for some sort of sign, some sort of feeling.
And to her dismay there was nothing- she was lost and she couldn’t find home. The place and the person where she was safe, where she was understood, where she was human. She just wanted to go home. Stumbling backwards, her foot hit the stone, hard as she struggled to keep herself upright. Donella buckled in on herself.
“Sitting on the roof!” That phrase, all her regret falling into it as she choked. Falling down, she buried her face in her knees and her shoulders shook as she half cried half screamed in anguish. Her hands hit her shins, again and again, angry at it all.
“Of your beat-up car,” Gritting her teeth, she lifted her head to rub at her scars as they burned only to see Ulla walking over and sitting down next to her. Somehow all the rage left her, right then and there. Her skirt still poofed up as she sat down. It was so mundane, so her- and it hit her how deeply she cared- where even the most boring things were captivating because it was her.
Turning towards her, she leaned closer and her volume dropped. A whispered confession- words that never got to be heard. “When I was your orbit.” Ulla looked over at her, blue eyes sparkling in confirmation, a little nod. The gaze that could make her feel like the only person in the universe, in her universe. It was meant only for her. But it was gone, she was gone- her voice wavered.
“And you were my star.” She whimpered, chest heaved so hard she thought she may vomit. What she would give to go back. Lifting her eyes, Donella leaned closer and allowed their foreheads to press together. She searched for something, the slightest tingle of warmth- of electricity through her blood that reminded her how to live. Something- anything at all. Nothing. She couldn't feel her.
The way her Ulla’s would curve perfectly to accommodate the slope of her nose, how her breath ticked her face and made her feel alive- like the sun’s rays were shining on her even in the dead of winter. It was so cold- she was so cold.
“But now you're a black hole,” Her shoulders sank in defeat, choking on the realization as if it were suffocating. Opening her eyes, she blinked as the other grew fainter and fainter. Reaching out, her hand attempted to rest on her knuckles- desperate to feel something- any sort of spark at all. Even if it burned her- even if it hurt. The rough stone underneath her fingertips reminded her of the Library. A final smile, fainter than a reflection, before Ulla became nothing but moonlight. “And I am left numb.”
Wrapping her arms around her legs, she rested her cheek on her knee and sighed. Deflated, as if she had nothing left to give. “From the loop of these memories,”
The wind in their hair as they pushed the speed of the wagon, laughing without restraint or reservation. A sound that could only be born from complete and utter freedom and acceptance. It had been a long time since she was able to feel the air reach all the way down into her lungs. It had been so long.
“The loop of the,”
Ulla stared off at the horizon, taking her hand and linking their pinkies together. They could have gone, they could have packed up everything and left it all behind. The wedding, the kingdom, they could have been cut from it all. But instead there they were, two birds with clipped wings.
She lifted her head, the knee of her pant leg damp, “The loop of the,”
It was a foolish childhood dream. Maybe even as futile as a wish as the sky was adorned with thousands of streaks- shooting stars. It was dangerous, that’s what it was, to think they were destined for something great. How the mighty fall- how- she couldn't believe how much they had changed, so much yet somehow not at all.
Because in the calcium cage that sat in her chest, battered and hidden away, was still that little girl retelling those stories on the rooftops- who wanted to believe and to be believed in. They were still those girls, filled with hope and joy and trust- trust that they’d never be apart. They could conquer it all because it was given, constant, that they would have each other.
Life loved to spit on promises. Those girls- would they even recognize who they’d become? And then who would teach them, help them to mourn the future they envisioned for themselves?
“The loop of the,”
A shaky breath, barely enough to pass for a gasp. She debated just staying there, her jacket doing nothing to keep out the chill. It was so easy to sink down and give up the fight, to throw in the towel for gravity, and she was so tired. Maybe if she just closed her eyes for a bit, just to clear her head.
“Don?!” That voice called out. Somehow it cut through the buzzing in her head, the fog that came about after grief. It was real and it was there and it was- it was him. Donella lifted her head, the last bits of her strength allowing her to stand. She staggered and stumbled but she stood. Looking around, the sound came from below, an almost desperate cry. “Don, where are you?!” He must have woken up in the night again, poor thing had the more horrible dreams. She knew what that was like.
Glancing up at the stars, she stared at how they twinkled at her in question as if to ask where she went. Maybe the cosmos didn’t recognize her anymore. She wouldn’t either though she guessed it was mutual. Taking a step back, her shoulders sank as she turned towards the ivy wall. It was time to go down.