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Piles of books cripple the circulation of fresh air even though the window is open and her head rests on the windowsill next to a box of fried chicken. The freshly painted walls and plants decorating the small space is another attempt from her girlfriend to cheer her up.
Nonetheless, the hollow feeling inside her chest doesn't dissipate. She secludes herself until unholy hours with only the red numbers on her clock as the only source of light.
She's a mess. Her outward appearance is a facade, one that she worked hard to fabricate to live her lies; the mirror across the bedroom reflected someone wearing a now wrinkled black jumpsuit, her smokey eyes a bit redden for sleeping with makeup on her skin. This is the real He Xuan, nothing but the image of a dumpster.
Things hadn't been easy for her, but still, she overworks herself to the bone.
Those red numbers on the digital clock catch her attention. He Xuan squints her eyes, and her heartbeat accelerates. The box of fried chicken she was eating flew like it was suddenly brought back to life, fluttering crispy skin and clumsy landing on wooden floors.
Fuck, the date with Shi Qingxuan was tonight, and it's almost past midnight.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Blindly she reaches for her cellphone, kicking some books out of her way. Of course, she's run out of luck, and her battery is dead, almost a foreshadowing of what's going to happen as soon as she can read all the messages on it.
Qingxuan isn't going to forgive her for standing her up. Not this time, not when this was the third time in a row. Qingxuan never screamed or gave her the cold shoulder. If anything, she ensured He Xuan didn't feel extra pressure, that she had everything handled, and gave her some space.
He Xuan knows she's praying for the impossible. Her hands feel clammy when the notifications flood her cell phone.
20 missed calls from Qingxuan
2 messages from Hua Cheng
10 messages from Xie Lian
It's past midnight, and her brain is running high on anxiety. He Xuan's mind isn't helping her case; a flood of dreadful thoughts creep as goosebumps crawl under her skin. Her fingers tremble but manage to unlock past the home screen; fingertips were hovering above the name of the person that she loves more than her own life.
How often has she failed to have a movie night with her girlfriend in the past month? How long was Qingxuan going to keep up the pretense that dating someone below her standards and social class was beneficial to her?
In Shi Wudu's words, "My sister was doing charity work ."
Maybe, if He Xuan didn't return her calls, she was doing Qingxuan a favor by removing herself entirely out of the picture. Her eardrums echo the throbbing beat of her heart, drumming faster than the waves of the ocean under a tropical storm. A single tear rolls down her cheek, the only sign of the spiteful thoughts inside of her mind. Feeling utterly miserable, she sought comfort from the only item her mom had left her before dying; the only piece of jewelry her mother could afford.
As her routine to shut her demons out, with her free hand, she goes to play with the golden tassels of the earrings —
Except for the tip of her finger that taps an empty earlobe—she keeps nicking at it, squeezing her earlobe as if by doing that magically, the missing earring will reappear.
But life has never granted her miracles, nor did what people call "Gods."
It wasn't there, so the rational part of her brain told her to look for it. Maybe it fell and was buried under the mountain of books inside her bedroom. She starts by moving a few things out of her way; her room was a mess; a double bed with an iron golden frame reflects the poor lighting inside, black sheets, and the evergreen walls with a few bony-fish skeletons posters surrounding her.
She clicks her tongue. "Why do I live like this? Isn't it enough to be buried in my parent's debts? Do I need to be buried under my garbage too?!" She slams some books against the walls.
Without knowing, she presses the button to dial Qingxuan's number. The phone rings three times before a very sleepy Qingxuan answers, with a gasping breath that sounds like a yawn as she says her name.
"He Xuan, why are you calling me back so late?"
Still absorbed in her thoughts. Now crawling around her room on all fours, she didn't notice her girlfriend trying to talk to her. So instead of replying to Qingxuan, she continues to mumble at herself.
"Stupid, you brainless idiot… why did you sleep with those on?"
"A-Xuan, are you there?"
"Not this, please. Punish me in any other way or form for letting her down, skin me alive if you need, make me fail all of my classes, but this." He Xuan keeps muttering, in hushed breaths, while her hands blindly look under her bed. "Someone up there hears my prayers, please…."
"Letting who down–What? He Xuan, it's nice to hear your voice but answer me!"
While Qingxuan waits for He Xuan to answer her, she gets more impatient by the second. It's past midnight, she's beyond irked after being stood up by the same person calling her, and now she's ignoring her, the audacity.
"It has to be somewhere–" He Xuan repeats like a broken record, not hearing the high-pitched screams coming from her cellphone.
"HE XUAN, I SWEAR TO GOD, ANSWER ME, OR I'M DRIVING THERE!!."
He Xuan is starting to hear voices now, and of all the ones her brain could fabricate while having a mental breakdown, it has to be Qingxuan's? He Xuan's broken sobs follow a myriad of scenarios in her head.
Why does it have to be Qingxuan saving her all the time? All He Xuan brings to the table are drawbacks, pushing the perfect life of her girlfriend into a cesspool of problems that don't fit her — sinking her further into the mess of He Xuan's life.
The last shred of normalcy is gone. Her mom passed away three months ago, not adding anything up to her score in the eyes of Qingxuan's family. It dragged her further away when she couldn't pay the hospital bills when the rent was due, and she was kicked out of their apartment.
Not to mention, she fainted in front of a table of wealthy kids while singing happy birthday, which prompted her boss to call Hua Cheng to come to get her.
If she can't pay her debts to her friends and, more importantly, her partner, who went to the extreme of secretly handing her out a scholarship. She is weak and unworthy of receiving any helping hands.
Hua Cheng slapped some sense to her that night, mixed with one of his so-called loans, which consists of helping her best friend pick up the best restaurants to take Xie Lian on dates as payment.
Someone screaming her name snaps her back to reality; it sounded like the high-pitched notes of her girlfriend's voice when she was shedding her last ounce of patience. That makes her finally look down, almost glaring at the cellphone on the floor; the screen shows a 30-minute call ongoing with – Qingxuan of all the people – is going to think she is losing her marbles.
He Xuan screams internally, Qingxuan will kill her; if anything she'll let her, it is better to die than to live remembering this day.
Why does she keep looking for that missing earring every time she wakes up? An earring that was long gone buried with her mother for months now. He Xuan smack her head with the mattress, trying to regain some consciousness before answering Qingxuan.
She takes in the air her lungs need to say her lover's name.
"Qingxuan, I- I can explain," she stutters, finally sitting on the floor. "I can explain, please don't break up with me."
She sounded weak and tired, the long-suffering nights of insomnia finally catching up.
"Xuan-Jiejie, what nonsense. As if I could. Wait for me, or else you're gonna be in trouble." Qingxuan answers, her voice a bit soft at the end.
////////////
"Qingxuan, where are you going dressed up so ridiculously? Not to mention it's midnight, don't tell me you are going to see her ."
Qingxuan glances down at her feet to see bunny slippers. It's a wild contrast to the white flowery dress that's embracing her body, but she's running short on time. Her girlfriend has a panic attack alone. So what if her shoes don't match her dress?
She clicks her tongue. "Relax, not everyone is like those tumors you call friends. No one will judge me for wearing cheaper bunny slippers instead of tacky Gucci ones. By the way, yes, that's where I'm going. He Xuan – that's her name – needs me."
"Whatever her name is, you shouldn't be driving this late." Shi Wudu stern's voice greets the unfriendly glare of his sister.
"He Xuan," she repeats the name more aggressively. "Last time I checked, you weren't my father, so excuse me, your royal asshole. Don't wait up for me–"
"Qingxuan!!" Shi Wudu grabs her wrist, fighting to take the key fob out of her hand. "That's what you've learned from that lousy girlfriend of yours; that unladylike behavior, where are your manners? now open your eyes, she's using you, money is all she needs…."
"Money, you say? It's funny because she's never once asked me for money even though she's working her ass off waitressing tables on the weekends and working full time at Xie Lian's flower shop while doing her thesis. So tell me how she's taking advantage of me?"
Qingxuan is struggling to keep her car keys inside her palm, and her long, almond-shaped nails are digging into her skin. "All you think about is money, you cold-hearted dick."
"You are naive, thinking people don't have underlying motives, that everyone loves you only because of your kindness, sister. I thought living with me all these years would have taught you and that flimsy brain of yours something." Shi Wudu leans closer before spitting more venom. "Stop doing charity for her."
Anger washes over Qingxuan's face. "I'm stupid for loving her. What's new? Let me go–"
"Glad we are on the same page." Shi Wudu smiles, his eyes glowing in the dark hallway. "If this isn't about her using you for your money, then why did you spend so much on those earrings? Shi Wudu asks, the grip of Qingxuan's wrist growing stronger. "Did she tell you to buy those? Is she finally showing her true colors, Qingxuan?"
"None of your fucking business, and ew! Why are you keeping tabs on me." Qingxuan bites back, fighting the hand on her wrist with all of her strength. "Creepy bastard, that's my money to spend, not yours."
" Now it's your money, I see. But who's the one working his ass off every day so you can keep doing whatever silly business you have with one of your pets?"
"Don't call my friends pets," she sputters before adding. "His name is Mu Qing, and he's a talented designer. I'm investing my money on his first collection, something your tacky ass would never understand."
"Insult me all you want. I'm doing this because I love you. I can't stand people using my dearest sister like their bank account." The grip on Qingxuan's wrist ceases; that same hand now cups one of her cheeks tenderly. "Please, listen to me. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm trying to protect you."
Her brother's words make her feel a sharp pang of guilt. She knows he has her best interest in mind, but still– Shi Wudu is provoking her, poking old wounds that should be healed. It took her years to fall in love again, to know how to trust someone else's intentions.
He Xuan came one day and demolished all of her walls. One by one, they fell, giving her time to dance around the idea of dating again. He Xuan never pushed, never asked for anything in return, except for being on time to eat the unlimited lunch buffet of that small and modest restaurant around the apartment complex. Qingxuanenjoys the shy smiles, the hidden details He Xuan tries to cover, pretending to be intimidating but revealing her real self here and there.
Qingxuan leans into the cold open palm of her brother. A long sigh escapes her lips. She hopes that someday she won't be swimming against the tides of trouble... But that won't happen tonight or tomorrow, and Qingxuan decides it's time to stop running after the waves and let the sea come after her and not lose sleep over the consequences of defying her brother. Besides, she was tired of the up-tight-ass attitude of Shi Wudu, and it was getting on her nerves lately. She wasn't a kid anymore or a damn damsel in distress that needed help.
So she gambles and takes the bull by the horns.
"Fuck you, talking all mighty as if you could be preaching all of that while dating Pei Ming," Qingxuan volleys back, slapping the hand that was cupping her cheek and stomping on her brother's barefoot A whine escapes Shi Wudu's throat. "I'm leaving. Suit yourself, you prick!" she finishes, storming out.
Shi Wudu yells her name, but Qingxuan answers him with her perfectly manicured middle finger; the squeaky sounds of her slippers hitting marble floors are all she can hear until the roar from the engine wakes her senses.
"He Xuan wait for me, love."
////////////
Qingxuan is fuming when the tune chimes in, and the front door finally opens. She is stretching her luck today, and Hua Cheng answered her text with the code to unlock the front door. Of course, that favor doesn't come free, yet, she steps in knowing very well the price of it. Searching blindly for a light switch, Qingxuan comes across piles of books and has to maneuver her way around them. The last time she came to her girlfriend's apartment was around a month ago, and by the looks of it, He Xuan's apartment has seen better times.
If anything, her girlfriend was always snubbing around the cluttered state of her bedroom. So definitely, something was amiss. Qingxuan wasn't playing the fool, and she knows why He Xuan sank into this state.
"Xuan-jiejie, your beautiful girlfriend is here!" Qingxuan says, a smile on her face while kicking some of the stuff out of her way. She navigates in what feels like an empty sea that's illuminated by the neon lights of the fish tank in the living room. She curses internally when her ankle hits one of the many book towers cluttering the trim area.
Biting her lower lip, she recklessly fetches her cellphone out of her purse, that's when her fingertips tap the black box inside of it; the earrings, the ones she took months to gather the courage to buy, ones that Qingxuan designed herself; to start anew, she was planning to say on their date tonight, to cheer for new beginnings.
And more importantly, to show He Xuan she wasn't going anywhere, that their relationship is more solid than ever.
"Ow!" she groans when her hip hits the dining table. With teary eyes, she manages to scream He Xuan's name.
The sound of the balcony door sliding and the festoon lights coming to life is enough of an answer for her to walk towards the only room of He Xuan's apartment that isn't cluttered by books. A faint smell of nicotine invades her surroundings once she sets foot inside. The balcony is decorated with a hanging chair on the corner, cushioned with simple colors, and Qingxuan is glad that the plants are alive, as some of the leaves brush her legs.
"Qingxuan, you didn't have to come. It's late. I'm sorry for being an inconvenience." He Xuan mutters before discarding the cigarette on her hand in the ashtray, setting that on the small coffee table made out of a pallet.
"Please, stop that, I'm here because you need me. Late or not, I'm always here for you. Besides, it's not like I'm on a curfew." Qingxuan nervously plays with her hair, rolling one perfectly curl around her finger.
"Does Shi Wudu knows you are here?" He Xuan asks, turning around to face Qingxuan. She extends a hand, and gladly Qingxuan takes that as a message to hug her and nest her face on He Xuan's chest.
"Yes, but the last thing I want to hear is his name, so can we cuddle for a bit before you tell me what's going on."
"There's a lot of things going on, Qingxuan, the least I want is to–"
Qingxuan presses her lips against He Xuan's to shut her, she doesn't want to hear more, a sense of urgency runs on her veins, her heart is beating so fast, like a hurricane winds ranging knocking out her senses; that she can't hear anything else besides He Xuan's soft whimpers.
The kiss is tenderly soft. There's no need to rush. Qingxuan can feel the smile drawing on He Xuan's face before the tip of her tongue teases He Xuan to open her mouth.
"Qingxuan, I'm sorry." He Xuan says, tightening the grip on Qingxuan's waist. "I don't know how to make up for you, I don't deserve you."
"You can start by kissing me properly and stop talking that nonsense. I'm here, so whatever happened, we could fix it together." Qingxuan is getting a bit impatient; being so close to someone as beautiful as He Xuan always short-circuited her brain. "Now, please, kiss me as you mean it. It's been days, He Xuan, and honestly, I'm trying my best to behave and not push you over those cushions and straddle your thighs."
He Xuan's eyes widen in surprise. She expected Qingxuan to slap her face and end their relationship. She was ready to take the jab; if anything, she expected Shi Wudu to make her life more tedious after hurting her sister.
Anything but Qingxuan's hand cupping her cheek, waiting for her answer with the most beautiful bright eyes. She's so enchanted by those green eyes, the way Qingxuan's mouth pouts so adorably, for a minute, all of her problems are gone only by staring at them. He Xuan feels safe and sound when Qingxuan is next to her, relaxed to the point of not noticing Qingxuan moving her hand to rummage inside her purse – it's until the prickling sensation, and the weight of an earring being clasped on her earlobe brings her back to reality.
"I- I know you don't like expensive jewelry," she stutters before adding. "Pay attention to me, He Xuan, stop staring at me like that, you're making me nervous." Qingxuan manages to fasten the earring with one hand, avoiding the embellished gaze of He Xuan's golden eyes. "Here, I hope you like it."
He Xuan turns around, the mirror door glasses reflect the earring hanging on her earlobe. Then she touches the golden ear thread followed by a trail of tiny pearls. In the end, everything comes together by a mermaid tail, shimmering like the sea in the sunlight.
"Qingxuan, you didn't have to…."
"Listen, from now on you will let me not only buy anything I want for you but also, the only way I'm forgiving you from falling asleep while I was waiting for you for hours–" Qingxuan hugs her from behind, leaning her head on He Xuan's shoulder. "And ruining our date is that you're gonna let me help you."
"Thank you, I don't know how I'll pay you back."
"Oh! I have a couple of ideas, baobei." Qingxuan kisses He Xuan's nape, making her girlfriend quiver. "Now, let's get inside so I can have a better look of you wearing your new earrings, with nothing but your bare skin."
"But there's one missing?" He Xuan asks, sliding the door open, strolling inside with a glued Qinxuan on her back.
"It's a pair, but the other one… you have to earn it," Qingxuan mutters while her hand unties the belt around He Xuan's waist.